Alex adoption heartache

My Alex is 16 years old and a sophmore in high school.  He is such a gentle loving person.   He very rarely gets angry and keeps quiet about his emotions.  He was never a kid that got ever got in trouble, I think he has been grounded 3 times, at the most.  He ususally doesn't express to me when something is wrong.  He is the type of person to watch things and just step back.  He doesn't make last minute decisions, he always thinks things out.  He is really smart, he has dyslexia but still manages to get all A's and B's.

This morning I was driving him to school and the song Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood came on.  Alex started to sing along but his voice didn't seem right.  His hair is so long that I couldn't see his eyes.  After the song ended I turned off the radio and asked him what was wrong.  It took him a few minutes to put into words what was wrong.  Once he was able to talk he said he was upset about Owen and Alyssa.  It just hurts he told me.  My 16 year old son that is now taller than me was crying so much that tears were coming down all the way to his chin.  I held his hand as I drove the last 15 minutes to school.  As he got out of the car his eyes were bright red but he no longer had tears falling down his cheeks.  I wanted to just hold him but he was at high school and that would be embarresing.

I know Alex was upset because not only was he not raised with his sister and he deals with the loss of that everyday.  But he was upset because he was never even able to hold his first nephew.  H e wasn't able to say goodbye to Owen to tell him how much he is loved.  Alex has asked me if he will ever be able to hold and play with Owen.  I can't tell him yes, I just tell him I don't know.  I honestly don't know and don't want to promise him things I can not control.  I know it is supposed to be an open adoption with Owen, but I am always afraid that it can become closed to us.  After all we are only Owen's birthmom's birthfamily.  We are only related by blood, we have absolutly no rights to see him or be part of his life. 

When Alex was a little boy I could kiss his owie and make him better. I can't make this one better. I can be there for my kids, let them cry while I hold them, but there is nothing I can do to make them better when it comes to adoption. I know I have to be the strong one. I have to let them know that we will come through this as a family, but I can't make it better. I wish I could take away the pain. I wish I could change the adoption decision that I made.

I don't say I wish I hadn't placed Alyssa for adoption because I am trying to hurt her adoptive family. It really has nothing to do with them or how they raised her. It is because of the pain that it has caused my family, my nieces, nephews, myself, my husband, and all 4 of my kids. I wish someone anyone would have told me how much adoption would affect my children I had after Alyssa.


I know Alyssa tried to make the best decision possible for Owen.  I know she loves him more than she loves anyone else in this world.   She loves him more than even she thought was possible when she was pregnant.  To hold your own flesh and blood is indiscribable.  To let that same child go barely 2 days later almost broke her.  I know it was so hard for her since Owen was still in the NICU when she signed away her rights.  She was released more than a week before he was. 
 
We left Utah the day after she signed away her rights.  Alyssa was leaving the state too so I knew she didn't need us there any longer.  For us it was very hard to be in Utah knowing that she was no longer Owen's mom.  Alyssa was now just another birthmom.  We live in this world where we aren't a real mom, we don't have our child with us to raise, we sign away all rights to our child, but we can't deny to ourselves that we had a child either.  Birthmom simply will never describe me or Alyssa.  Birthfamily doesnot describe us either, we are simply family.  I am a mom to 4 kids and a grandmother to one.