Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was amazing.  For the first time ever I had all of my kids together.  It was L-O-U-D and they were rambunctious, there was laughter and even a little bit of arguing.  But I had all of my kids.  I missed Owen incredibly though.  Our little family will not be complete without him.  He is so loved and he will always be part of our family even though he isn't with us.  I wonder how Allysa's other parents are dealing without having her with them for the holidays?  I know what it is like not to have one of your children with you.  To celebrate holidays as a family but have your loved one missing, it does hurt.  I'm sure they are feeling what I have felt over the last 19 years.

One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving.  Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them.  She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids.  She had a card for Allysa too.  My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears.  Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma.  When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family.  Jer's family has shown me other wise.  His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.

I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family.  My husband's family has accepted her.  They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened.  You know what?  They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.

Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now.  Do not believe the industries lies.  They are there to make a profit.  You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year.  He will accept and love both of you.  His family will love the both of you too.  You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can.  Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.

To my kids

Sunday was a really bad, horrible, awful parenting day.  My emotions were out of wrack and I handled every situation with my kids badly horribly.  Usually I try my best, sometimes (or a lot of times) I mess up.  Sunday I just didn't care.  I wanted things to go exactly how I wanted them.  I didn't want to deal with anyone elses emotions, wants, or needs.  I just totally was out of line.  I did yell, I am a very confrontational person I do not keep things inside when I am upset.  If I am upset with you and I keep it inside it is because you are not worth my effort to get upset with.  You are not worth my time.

I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly.  I got everyone pissed off and angry with me.  Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days.  I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids.  Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run.  She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return.  If she did I wouldn't blame her either.

There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things.  Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married.  I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again.  What if she doesn't want me anymore?  These are my problems, my emotions not hers.  She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear.  Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart. 

Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding.  Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly.  It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family".  I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way.  It still hurts.  I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad.  Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain. 

I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday.  I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me.  Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much.  I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too.  I will try harder.  I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much. 

Love Always,
Mama

2 great posts

I was navigating adoptoland on the internet today.  I found 2 really great posts.   I admit it I love to read what adoptees have to say about adoption.  For me to understnd my daughter and grandson I have to understand adoption from their viewpoint.  I have to go out of my comfort zone and my pain to look at how adoption has affected them.  How adopion has hurt hem and caused them pain.  I truly think all adoptions on some level are rooted in pain.  I don't care if you are "the good happy adoptee"  to get to be adopted you had no rights and your parents abandoned you.  That is the ugly truth. 

The first post by Iadoptee I do not have permission to link.  I tried to ask her permission but for some reason blogger is acting up.  I hope I don't upset anyone by linking to her. iAdoptee

The other adoptee is Joy.  I love her writing and how she is so protective of the next generation of adoptees.  She doesn't apolagize for it at all, she has gusto and confidence.

Fast Forward

Yesterdays post basically covered one year of our reunion. I left off at September 2010.  In December 2010 Allysa went to Hawaii with her boyfriend and 2 days after they got back he broke up with her.  She called me upset and crying.  They had been together close to a year.  I was sad for her that her heart was broken but I was not upset that they broke up, honestly.  I couldn't tell her that at the time but I thought it was a very good thing for her emotionally.  Since then she has dated a lot. There has been a couple special guys but there also has just been a lot of dating men and she has figured out what she won't accept and what she does want out of a relationship. 

In January 2011 we met her boyfriend Ian and got to spend a weekend with them in Tahoe.  In February Allysa turned 19 that week her ex-boyfriend started stalking her again and Owen's adoption was finalized.  In March I got to see Owen again at the celebration of his forever family.  I do not know how people celebrate tearing apart families.  To me that is incomprehensible.  I do not care if you adopted through foster care, internationally, or wet from the womb infant adoption.  You are still celebrating with family and friends that your child was in a position to lose their first family. 

Last May Allysa moved in with us.  Her relationship with her parents seem to be improving slowly. I know Allysa makes a lot of effort on her part to keep in contact with them.   My house is louder now, there is more laughing, playing, and some days fighting.  I do not know any siblings that are as close in age as my kids are that do not fight.  They also have each other's backs.  No one is allowed to hurt one of my kids or the others will make amends.  They will not physically fight but they will stand up for each other.  And they are absolutely funny together.  They have a way to crack each other up, sometimes it seems there is a special bond between these 4 kids.

I thought I had a job lined up for Allysa when she moved out here but it was postponed.  She searched months and months for a decent job that was full time.  She has ended up working 3 part time jobs.  They all fell into her lap at the in September and October.

Allysa recently (about 6 weeks ago) starting dating a guy.  They have fallen head over heels and are  in a whirlwind romance.  He comes from a good family, his parents are still married and seem happy. He also has  an education (yes that is a big deal).  Allysa usually falls for what I call "the lost puppy".  These guys have some potential if they weren't doing A(drugs),B(gangs), or C(lazy).  They usually have lost one parent or had very bad parenting.  The family dimensions that these men have came from are really messed up to say the least.  Allysa seems to always be the one to try to fix these men. 

And now to make sure we do not have a dull moment ever, Allysa and this new guy decided they want to get married in June 2012. Allysa has picked out her wedding dress, her colors, and decided to get married in Tahoe but have 2 receptions.  One in Utah with her adoptive family, and one in my hometown with my family and friends.  I'm sure I will be at both receptions.  Allysa's adoptive parents, my husband and I, and Allysa are paying for the wedding.  And the best news ever is that Owen gets to be the ring bearer.  His parents have already agreed to it.

Fast Forward

It is coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary in about a week and a half.  How have I been married that long?  How is it possible?  Today November 15, 2009 was my first contact with Allysa via facebook. 

In the last 2 years everything has changed.  We have grown so close.  We have endured more than I ever thought possible. Allysa has grown and changed so fast too.  I want to slow down.  I want to be able to enjoy these moments.

December 20th, 2009 I found out Allysa was pregnant (barely a month after our first real contact).  I worried, and celebrated this with her.  I encouraged and loved her.  we started to build our relationship.  We talked on the phone for the first time in January 2010.  Allysa's mom did not want us to talk on the phone so we waited a few months after the initial facebook contact.  It took me 18 years to truly hear my daughter's voice. 

February 2010 we met in  person.  I was able to spend days with my daughter.  It was more amazing than I could imagine.  I finally had all of my children together.  We were in the same room!!!  They got along great.  Everyone was on their best behavior too!

By this point Allysa had told me that she was going to LDSFS to make a decision.  How she went from I will never place my child, I know the damage it does to making an adoption plan in a few short months made my head spin.  Her decision had a lot to do with the parents that I chose for her. 

In April I saw Allysa one more time.  Her boyfriend and her were in Southern California.  They were supposed to come to Northern California for a week but they ended up spending about 18 hours here instead.  This boyfriend was all about manipulation and being cruel.  I could write a separate blog just about him.  Allysa was head over heels for him, after all he would accept her in her condition, he wouldn't raise this baby, but he would accept her being pregnant.  He ended up being mentally abusive to her.  All of the signs were there and this relationship terrified me. 

By May 2010 she had chosen parents for her son.  It is sad how easily mother's are manipulated.  How we are asked to "just look at a few profiles", then asked to compare what we can give compared to any of these couples.  How we are not given the knowledge how to raise our child.  How we might be told about welfare, but only how bad it is.  How we will stand in line at soup kitchens if we raise our child.  How we are never asked to look outside of ourselves even to the father and his family.  Owen's grandfather (dad's father)is senior vice president in Canada to one of the largest food companies in Canada.  Yet it was never looked into if they would be able to keep Owen in the family.  Owens paternal grandparents didn't even have any knowledge of Owen until about 2 weeks before he was born.  Owen is also their first grandchild.  It was never encouraged to look for help from the father, not when a married couple could raise this child.

May 2010 my sister and I saw Allysa graduate high school.  We were asked through Allysa not to sit by Allysa's parents.  They didn't want to see us at all.  Owens PAPs were there also and were welcomed to sit by Allysa's parents but not me, I'm a home wrecker.  I had wanted Allysa to have her graduation dinner with her parents.  I thought they deserved that right.  I thought they should celebrate this with her.  Instead they decided to not have a family dinner to celebrate.  I knew Allysa was disappointed.  She wanted to have a dinner with them.  I decided since they did not have plans and would not celebrate I was going to take Allysa out to sushi.  We had dinner with my sister, me, Allysa, and Allysa's boyfriend.  Allysa handled her disappointment very well.  She also found out that day that she was to cover up her pregnancy from her grandparents and she had been expected to wear her graduation robe anytime her grandparents were around the day that she graduated.  Nothing like making your child feel more ashamed of herself. 

At the end of June I came out to Utah for a family reunion and we were able to spend some time together.  While I was in Utah Allysa started showing a few signs that she might start in preterm labor.  I tried to warn her but there was no one close to her who had kids that could sit down and teach her about pregnancy.  She was so closed off, at this point her life consisted of her boyfriend, PAPS, her parents, and working. 

Mid July Allysa went into early labor and started dilating.  She was in labor for at least 6 hours before she went into the hospital.  They were able to stop her and put her on bed rest plus give her some steroids to help Owen's lungs develop. 

July 28th they induced Allysathem when she was hurting and confused.  She talked to them about how she was raised.

It was just a few weeks after Owen was born that I started blogging.  I needed a way to not let go, to not literally just die.  I needed to figure out this glory of adoption.  I needed to understand better how to survive this the second time around.  I couldn't unknow my truth, I couldn't return to the fog.  I couldn't go back to LDSFS for their counseling again.  I couldn't sit on anymore boards promoting adoption (I did that after Allysa was born, I was the perfect beemommie).  I needed to write and get out my emotions.  I needed to know that there were others like me.

This post is getting extremely long, I will continue it in a second post.

Just thinking

This morning I went in and looked in the girls room.  They both love to sleep in and are pretty grumpy when you wake them up.  I just let them sleep as long as I can on weekends.  I quietly opened their door and just watched them sleep.  Such peace comes into my heart to watch these 2 sisters.  They think it is creepy that I watch them sleep but I can't help myself.  They look so peaceful, like 2 beautiful angels. 

My boys are early risers and are up usually by 6am and in the family room playing video games.  This is their quiet time just to do nothing.  I try to keep the house quiet until about 10am on weekends.  None of us are happy when the girls get woken up too early.  It takes a while for them to be able to communicate easily after they wake up.

I almost missed this.  It has taken 19 years to have my kids together.  Will it be another 19 years before we have Owen with us too?  Will his heart turn to his mother's like Allysa's has?  Will he feel the tug of his family?  Will he want his heritage, his ancestors, his family? I wish I could have a glimpse into the future.

Family pictures and the craziness

Saturday my mother-in-law wanted family pictures taken professionally.  She had planned this about 2 weeks in advance.  My brother-in-law and his girlfriend were coming up from Southern California for the weekend.  We haven't had pictures taken s a family in 5 years.  The kids have grown and changed plus Allysa and E(brother-in-law's girlfriend) were not in the last pictures.  It was time for new pictures.  We only had to coordinate 14 people's schedules.

Last Thursday night my mother-in-law hadn't been able to get a hold of the photographer she wanted to use.  I went to the mall and made an appointment at the photo studio.  I made the appointment for 7pm.  Allysa was working all day from 9am to 4pm.  I knew the very earliest she could be home, showered,  and ready for pictures was 6pm.  I told my mother-in-law about Allysa's schedule and the time she would be available.

Friday M (my mother-in-law) finally gets a hold of her photographer.  The photographer is available only at 4:30 and 5:30.  Obviously that wouldn't work.  I tried to tell M that it wouldn't work, Jer tried talking to her.  The response we got was well Allysa can just hurry.  Since she has been working for 7 hours she should already look good for pictures.  I'm frustrated as hell.  I got to tell Allysa about the time change.  She is not close to happy.  She told me to take the pictures without her (Damn she is so much like her mom).  I refuse to have family pictures without her.  After 19 years of never having family pictures with all of my children I was not about to let this happen again. 

I go back and try to explain to M and she very nicely (because she really is sweet) just says well we can take them at 5:45, I'm sure Allysa can be available by then.  I felt like I was hitting my head against a brick wall.  Was anybody listening?  6pm is the very earliest Allysa would be available, not 5:30 or 5:45.


M also decided that everyone should wear white shirts.  White stains easy, we do not own many white items of clothing.  Saturday about noon we went shopping because Cassie had absolutely no white shirts.  By this time Allysa and I had text back and forth and she had no idea how she was going to get there 15 minutes earlier Let alone 30 minutes earlier than she expected.   I was stuck in the middle between my daughter and M. 

And in this all I found out that my brother in law and E were not informed of us having family pictures until they arrived the night before.  Of course they did not pack any white shirts.  The lack of communication was making for one long day. 

Allysa realized that the only thing she could eat at the family meal after we took pictures was beans and rice.  My in-laws planned a nice tamale dinner but Allysa couldn't eat any of it.  She was freaking out about that too.  She just wanted to be able to eat what everyone else had.  She was tired of her allergies and M cooking for everyone but her.  Tamales are great but when you sit there and smell them and know you can't eat them it really sucks.  I made a vegan tamale pie that was big enough for everyone to have and Allysa wouldn't feel totally left out. But  I didn't know about Allysa's feelings about dinner until about 5pm.  I had to quickly find a good recipe and start cooking before pictures and try not to get dirty. Did I say that I am supposed to cook this on the stove but all of the burners were being used?  Let's add one more thing onto my stress level.

The photographer shows up early!!!! Shoot me now seriously, just get me out of this chaos.  She showed up about 5:10 ready to take pictures.  We decided on the 2 locations to take pictures at the house and each family went individually and then we were to do the group shot last. 

Allysa busted ass and made it by 5:45.  She was stressed, PMS-ing, in a foul mood but she was there.  We took the pictures quickly and then did the finishing touches for tamale dinner. 

Jer's aunt shows up for dinner.  Allysa does not get a long very well with her.  Allysa is open, wild, loud, and says things before she thinks (just like her mom.)  Jer's aunt is very conservative and her feathers are easily ruffled.  Having Jer's aunt there just about put Allysa's emotions over the edge.  After the first time Allysa and this aunt met Jer got a phone call from this aunt about Allysa being inappropriate. 

Allysa, her boyfriend,  and her siblings decided to eat outside.  It was cold and dark but they decided they didn't want to deal with anyone.  By this point I was so tired and drained emotionally I couldn't eat and just went upstairs to lay down and cry.  I couldn't handle making peace with everyone.  I was tired of making excuses and to soothe every one's emotions.  I had spent 2 days trying to deal and cope with everyone and make everyone at peace.  I couldn't handle sitting down and making small talk at that moment.  It was just easier to be alone.

The next day I found out from Allysa that part of the reason she was so upset was because Owen couldn't be in the picture.  Oh how I love the blessings of adoption.  It always adds another element to our everyday life.

Was/IS adopted

4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”

I know I am very slow at getting these out.  It is crazy how busy with life you get when you work full time and have 4 kids and everyone is running in different directions.  I haven't had the time and energy to devote to my little ol' blog here.

The actual adoption did happen in the past but it is not something that goes away.  My daughter and grandson are adopted out of my family.  They are currently not listed as related to me or each other.  The adoption of both of them is still on going.  The issues of adoption still affect my daughter.  As Owen grows older the issues of adoption might affect him too.  Each of them will always be adopted into their families where they were raised.

Own Child

3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.

Overall I agree with this statement.  I know everyone is shocked, right.  I think adoption should be talked about in adoptive families very openly.  Children should understand their story and it should be talked about with them from the beginning.  Children should have adults that they can go to that they trust that they can talk to.  These adults should be someone other than their parents.  Adoptees feelings should always be acknowledged.  I just don't like the word "own" in general when referring to children.  I own my car, my house, my clothes, I just do not own my children. 

Adoption should never be portrayed as you are less than because we adopted you or you are special and chosen because we adopted you.  When you are out in public or with others it should never be pointed out this is my kid and that one we adopted.  It should simply be these are my children.

People that have only known me for the last 2 or 3 years know I have 4 kids.  I do not go into detail.  I do not say but I gave up my oldest daughter.  I have 4 kids, period, the end, no explanation necessary.  People that have known me for 15 years (especially people I am not close with) only knew that I had 3 kids and now they know about Allysa and our story. 

A few weeks ago I was in mixed company.  I was at my husband's work picnic.  He works for his families business.  I was there sitting and talking with my husband's aunts and a few of my husbands coworkers and their spouses.  Of course my husband's aunts know about both Allysa and Owen.  I was not ready to go in the long explanation of our story with relative strangers/my husband's coworkers.  This one person asked, "How many kids do you have?"  At first I was slightly uncomfortable because of the aunts being there and knowing I had 4 kids but only raised 3 of them.  Would they be upset with me for not being completely honest?  For not acknowledging Allysa's other parents?  Allysa wasn't around so I didn't have to acknowledge her, she would never find out what I had told these people.  But in my soul I can't NOT acknowledge all 4 of my children.  I just said I have 4 kids, 2 boys and 2 girls, and then their ages. 

I think it should always be up to the child/adoptee to be the one to initialize the conversation with people about their adoption. We as parents do not need to put there adoption status out there for the world to know.  We need to protect our children from the ugliness of the world.  The judgement of people about adopted children.