Sunday and Reminiscing

I am leaving Sunday morning for Utah.  We should be home by Monday midday sometime if we stop for the night.  Alyssa will be picking me up from the airport with her car loaded and we will start our 12 hour drive to our house(her new home).  I can't wait to see her it almost two and a half months since we have seen each other. I know in reality that isn't a long time but for the two of us who see each other every six weeks over the last year it is a long time.  We do talk on the phone several times a day and text way too much ;).  I probably know almost as much of what is going on with my daughter as her closest friends.  I cherish our relationship.  It is definitely a mother/daughter relationship there are boundaries but she also knows I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her.  We might not agree on everything but there is respect.
 I have started to know some of Alyssa's friends too.  I love that she is comfortable enough introducing me to them and letting me know them.  Alyssa's friend's that have supported her through adoption loss  - her own and her son's have been amazing.  There are a few of her "friends" who mothers never taught them the meaning of friendship.  I know they have kicked her while she is down but she has forgiven them anyways. As a mom that is hard to watch to see people repeatedly hurt my daughter and then she allows them in her life.  I also know I do not have any control of that with any of my children.  She really does have some truly amazing friends that are always supportive of her and listen to her whenever she needs them.  I have learned to love those girls too (yes Jasmine especially you).

In a way I am glad that Alyssa has many friends that are adopted and they can lean on and support each other.   I know I do try to understand what it is like to be adopted but I will never truly know what it is like.  I will never have my family and heritage taken away, I will never have a falsified birth certificate.  I will never live between 2 worlds, the adopted and natural.  I am so glad adoptees of all ages who have started to speak up and blog.  I am glad they are able to get their feelings out.  Selfishly I am glad they have blogged because it has helped me to understand adoption from that perspective. 

And now back to your regularly scheduled program

I often see excuses made especially by adoptive parents on blogs why it was different for their children's parents to place.  There is always a rational excuse.  Examples: She was still in college, she lived in the dorms, she would have been a single mother, she would have had to go on state insurance, she wasn't ready, or my favorite it was destiny and God wanted me to have this child.

So often the reality is different but it is easier to make up an excuse then to realize your place, societies place, and an agencies place in the roll of adoption and a child losing its family and heritage.  I have even heard adoptive couples claim they did not break up a family when they chose to adopt.  When you are matched to a mother that is expecting a child and befriend her so you can raise her child you are breaking up a family. The child is not an orphan, the child has family.

  It is hard to think critically when you gain a child and don't have to deal with the loss. Yes adoptive couples do have losses they are usually infertile.  They fantasize about their own child.  But the point is, it is a fantasy child not a living breathing human being.  Not their flesh and blood,it is a fantasy.  Not being able to have a child and preying on women that can are two very different things.

I read a 2 blogs recently about family preservation. Here and here. 

Just some interesting thoughts and ideas about how we could do adoption differently.

NAR - Men bashing is not acceptable

I am going far off my normal topic.  I was at a baby shower on Saturday, my friend was becoming a grandmother for the third time.  I was sitting around talking with a group of women.  All of us were ages 30 to late 40's.  We had all been with our spouses for 10 to 20 years, we all were raising children from ages 4 to 19.  One woman started complaining about her husband in front of us and 3 of the kids present.  She was saying how she was sick for the last few week and her husband had gotten sick too.  He had a much milder cold than her.  She has gone to the ER and been on all kinds of medication.  She is still recovering but has to get back to her doctors for medication and such.  She complained that she had woken up early and her husband was rubbing her leg.  I thought wow how sweet, after 15 years of marriage and 2 kids he is still cares about her and wants to be close to her.  I was thinking sweet and romantic.  All of the sudden these other women were saying what a dog he was and how all men are alike and only think of sex.  They were talking about this in front of a 4 year old girl, my 13 year old daughter, and a boy almost 12 years old. 

First of all I don't think men are animals with one thing on their mind.  I don't want any of my children to be raised hearing that.  The men that they are talking about (their husbands) are all honest, hard working men that provide for their families and volunteer countless hours to different organizations to help children with disabilities.  They are caring and loving human beings, that happen to also have a sex drive.  Personally if my husband didn't find me attractive whether I am a size 0 or 14 I would be hurt by that.  He accepts me for my imperfections, which are many, my stretch marks, my wrinkles, my temper, he accepts and loves me for all of these things. 

I have not got together with this group of women in about a year and a half.  After listening to them for a few hours I realized probably why I no longer hang out with them.  I adore my husband and wouldn't sit around and bash him in front of other people especially any of our children. I think it is too important for my children to see the best in others.  No one is perfect, but we can always try to look for the best in others and build that part of them up.

After being at this baby shower I went to a different friend's 43rd birthday.  It was a totally different group of people.  I have hung out with this group a lot over the last year or so.  I am the baby in this group the age ranges from mid 30's to mid 50's.  Most of us have kids but a few have decided to be childless.  One thing I noticed about this group is that every single person is confident in themselves, their relationships, and they build up their spouses.  I would never hear the comment "all men are dogs"come from a single person in this group.  After this weekend I think I know which group of friends I will be around, which friends I will have my children around.  Even though it was just one comment, this sentiment has been spoken many times by the first group.  I don't want my boys to ever hear that by adults and feel belittled.  I don't want my daughters to expect that of men.  I want my daughters to see good nourishing relationships.  I want all of my children to see relationships where there is love, tenderness, and equalities.  I want them to know it is normal to hold hands, kiss and cuddle.  I'm not talking about full on make out sessions in front of our kids but a little kiss.

I would never allow my children to see a husband belittle his wife whether she was around or not why would it be acceptable for woman to belittle men and call them all dogs?

Friends and adoption

Over at Joy's Division  she wrote a really great post that got me thinking.  Her post was about reunited mothers wanting to be friends with their placed children.  She also wrote about how adoptive couples become friends with an expectant mothers hoping they will place.  Go read her article before you continue with this.  She is an adoptee, I love to read things from adoptees perspective.  It makes me understand my daughter better.  I hope it can eventually help and understand Owen better too. What Joy said hit home, sort of a punch in the gut, but it did hit home.

When Alyssa and I were just writing through the agency we got to know each other but we did both sugar coat a lot of things.  I knew the agency read every letter and so did her parents.  I also found out  so did her "counselor" at West Ridge Academy.  West Ridge is one of those schools you send your "bad teenager".  They help with drug addictions, bipolar, acting out, and adoption issues.  As we wrote each other I did say I felt like a friend or aunt.  I did not feel like that all.  I have always felt like her mom.  Why would I say that then?  I thought that is what I was supposed to say and I knew so many people were reading my letters before Alyssa saw it I didn't want to say the wrong thing.  I didn't want our contact stopped.  After we were reunited and did not have the interference of everyone else I told her that I had lied.  I do not feel like I am a friend or aunt.  I have always felt like her mother.  I wasn't sure how she would take it but she just responded back "I know". 

The other thing that Joy mentioned was adoptive couples becoming "friends" with expectant mothers that are looking at placing.  A friend helps you, supports you, loves you.  They don't become friends to take your child.  They do not guilt you into placing because they have loved you and supported you for a few months and they already bought everything for the baby.  Friends help boost your confidence and support you.  They hold you hand and love you while you are going through rough times.  Friends will help you and show you what they see in you. They will always build you up.  True friends are there for you and do not help themselves to your child. 

I have had many friends ask me why I didn't adopt my grandson.  After all we could afford it we are stable in a loving committed relationship.  Owen would be raised in his tribe with his heritage and people, Alyssa would see him as much as she wanted.  Why I did not do that is simple.  I wanted my daughter to raise her son, I wanted her to have the confidence to know that I knew she was enough to raise her own child.  It wouldn't matter if she relinquished her rights to me or anyone else she would still be having the same pain and heartbreak.  I love her with everything I have why would I do anything else to hurt her?

Moving

I have  some exciting news.  My oldest daughter Alyssa is moving in with us.  I'm flying out to Utah at the end of the month and Alyssa and I are driving to California together.  I'm excited, nervous, scared, can't believe it is happening.  My emotions are a little crazy right now.  We live in a 3 bedroom house so Alyssa will be sharing a bedroom with her little sister.  Alyssa has always had her own bedroom and living with her adoptive parents they have had extra bedrooms in the house.  We do not have any extra rooms.  I am sure it will be a bit of an adjustment for her. 

Alyssa lived in California until she was 16, she has only been in Utah for 3 years. She will only be living with us temporarily until she can make it on her own, at the most 6 months.  She wants to know her family so that is another reason that she wants to live in California.  She has friends in Southern California that she can see also.  We have talked about everything.  How she will fit in, what to do if one of us gets upset, conflicts, really everything.  I brought up to her that I understand if she doesn't sleep at the house every night.  She is sort of a gypsy soul.  I have noticed she likes to have a home base but doesn't necessarily want to be at the same place every night. I know I am much like that in a way too.  I would rather crash at my sisters house if we are up late talking than drive home.  I can sleep anywhere, a bed or a couch or a piece of the floor.

 We have talked about that I want to know where she is and when to expect her home.  That's not about control but if I expect her home at 2am but 5am rolls around and she isn't home I will worry.  I want to know where she is at just in case something ever happens to her I know where to look first.  I know to protect myself I always let at least 1 person know where I am going and what time to expect me back.  That way if anything ever happens to me someone will call the police if I can not be gotten a hold of.

We have talked about a lot of things how we both deal when we are stressed.  Neither of us are confrontational but I did let her know that if she sees me do things wrong to tell me, when I am calmed down.  All of my kids do that.  Once in a while I will yell and a curse word comes out of my mouth.  My kids will tell me later that it wasn't appropriate and I need to put a quarter in the attitude jar.

PAP profiles part 2

These posts are not about if Alyssa loves one parent more it is about being absolutely truthful and ethical with the information given to expectant parents looking at adoption.  I do know Alyssa loves all of her parents.  We each hold a very different place in her heart.  I don't think any of us she loves more than the other.  We each have different relationships with her.  Just like I have a different relationship with both of my parents, all 4 of my kids, and my husband.  I love them all but each hold a different part of my heart. 

I know now Alyssa's mom is an introvert that doesn't like to socialize and won't even talk on the phone unless the person is a very close friend. That is not the environment I wanted my daughter in.  This woman that praises love in every letter to me wouldn't even come to the door when she knew it was me. This woman wouldn't meet me before I met Alyssa.  I gave her a chance to know me, sit down, and talk but she refused.  Twice when I picked up Alyssa her mom refused to even come to the door to acknowledge me.  Not only did that hurt me but i saw how it affected our daughter.  It was as if my daughter was told in words I really don't care about you or your feelings.  I saw my daughter hurt by one of her parents.

 I knew Alyssa needed to be with very outgoing social people. People that reached outside of themselves. She needed a village to help raise her not just a church, that does not work well with our personalities. I do know Alyssa loves both parents that raised her and she has a special bond with her dad she says he is funny but from different things said he is very unemotionally supportive.  Not only of her but others in his family too.

I read their profile with new eyes recently. First it starts off "Dear birth parent" really????? I was expecting not a birth parent.   Next they talk about themselves referring to themselves by mom and dad. WTF was I thinking? In this letter it was the first step to make me think of myself as just a birth mom and them as the real parents. It doesn't say husband/wife but mom/dad. It also mentions how they often pray for the important blessing of another addition to our family. Did they ever think that to get this blessing a family had to be broken up?  Children do not come from a cabbage patch.

When Alyssa was 2 months old her parents wrote me and said they would continue to use the name "Alyssa" when writing to me but that isn't her given name. Now I see that and say yes that is her original given name, you changed it but it was her given name.

By the time Alyssa was a year and a half they moved about 5 hours south.  According to Alyssa they never really came back to visit the area where she spent the first year and a half of her life. So much for ties to the community.

Right after their oldest daughter turned 18 they moved again, this time 2 states and about 800 miles away. I wonder how much of a coincidence that was? Where they trying to run away from "the evil birth moms"? They have 2 of those evil woman in their life and both of their daughters want contact with their families.

Once Alyssa hit about 15 and the 2 of us started communicating I read more about adoption.  Adoption not from the viewpoint of the adoptive parents but from the adoptee.  I joined online groups about adoption.  If I was ever going to let Alyssa in my life I had to understand adoption from her point of view.  Even though she is over 18 she still needs me as one of her parents.  It was at this point that I started learning about sealed OBC and why it is so important to have access to your OBC and families.  I also found out that I could not get my daughter's OBC.  That came as a shock to me, I couldn't understand why I wasn't even able to have access to that.  I wanted to get it so if she ever wanted a copy she could have it. I also wanted it for a selfish reason, I just wanted to see in writing that I was listed at one point as her mom.  I wanted to see her name on an official record of birth.  I totally understand how selfish that is on my part.

 Within the last year Alyssa was talking to her other parents and mentioned she wanted to get her OBC.  Her dad said oh we have it in our file cabinet.  She had to let him know that they had their ABC she had another birth certificate that listed me and her natural father as her parents.  Small things like not realizing what an original and amended birth certificate is told me a lot about them as her parents.  I realized that they weren't in tuned to her or her sister that was adopted as adoptees.  Yes she is their child, but she will also always have other parents.  She will always be adopted into their family.  She will always have a different family and medical history than them. 

As parents to adoptees you have to do more and understand the struggles that adoptees can have.  You have to enlighten yourself.  You have to read and even read the painful things that adoptees write.  The painful thing as a parent to read is their truth.  I am so thankful there are so many adopteesadoptees have multiple parents, they have ancestries that are not the adoptive parents ancestry.  They do not take after the parents that raised them and have their physical or personalities traits.

 It can't be easy growing up and not seeing yourself mirrored in the people you call family.   It can't be easy to be told your mom loved you enough to abandon you to strangers place you for adoption.  I don't care if you met the adoptive parents for 5 minutes, 8 months, or just picked them after reading their profile they are still essentially strangers.  Would any parent that raised their children pick guardians in their will for their children after only knowing a couple for a few months?

As adoptees grow older and their personalities come out more there can be more conflict with parents.  I know as my daughter hit 12 and 13 that is when her parents and her really started having problems.  It wasn't that she was a bad child or teenager.  She wasn't ever allowed to truly feel or accept the loss of her family.  Her personality also conflicted with her parents.  They couldn't understand where she was coming from and she couldn't understand her parents personalities.  It was like water and oil.  They do all love each other, I am totally sure of that.  That does not replace the fact that their personalities do not mesh.  They do not see eye to eye on anything from religion to politics to even what foods to eat.

As my daughter has told me as an adoptee your role in life is to make others happy, make others a family.  Ignore your own pain and hurt and try to confirm to become what others want of you, become others the child others wanted if they could have had their own child.

PAP profiles - part 1

A few months ago Alyssa wanted to see the photo album I had of her.  I kept everything from the hospital, including her bracelet, every letter I received, the profile of her parents, and all pictures I had.  As she was going through the pictures she commented about how few I really had of her as a baby.  I have about 50 pictures of her in the first days of her life that my family and I took.  I have about 10 pictures from the foster family where she stayed for 3 days from the time she was released from the hospital until the 72 hours were up where I could change my mind.  I have about 50 from the time Alyssa was  a week old until she was about 4 that her adoptive parents sent me.

Alyssa saw the profile of her parents after reading it she made a comment about how she would have loved to be raised by the people in the profile.  She said the hobbies were right and the height, eye color, and hair color were right but nothing else really was.  I sort of already knew that, but it sucked to have the confirmation.  There was off handed things said in letters through out the years to indicate things weren't quite as said in their profile.  I do wonder if they were helped by the agency with their profile.  If there were rough drafts that the agency helped with.  Was there a basic outline to follow? 

I was looking for a very loving emotional supportive couple who had ties to the area.  A couple who took the meaning of family serious.  I was raised without really knowing my extended family.  I knew who they were we went to reunions but I would not say we were close at all.  I wanted all of my children close with their extended family.  I wanted my daughters parents to be extremely close with their siblings and their nieces and nephews.  I wanted her to have sleepovers with her cousins.  I wanted them to go on vacations together.  I wanted my daughter to grow up having her cousins as confidants, best friends, and each others cheer leaders.  I wanted a couple that was so involved in their community that they would not move.  I was very specific that I wanted the couple in the same home for 10 years with no intention of moving. 

There life was painted as a perfect family with a very close extended loving family with many family reunions every year.  It was said they were very involved in their community.  If they lived in Utah and said that I knew community meant church but in California it means neighborhood and the local area.  They had already commented earlier in their profile that they were involved with the church and their callings in the church.  Since they had a separate paragraph about being involved in the community I assumed they were.  This also made it appear that they were outgoing.

Their social worker and mine were the same - slight conflict of interest wouldn't you say? The social worker kept telling me what an amazing couple this was and how sweet and loving they were. Since I knew the social worker I totally trusted her opinion.    I had met with the SW weekly for months.  The SW also had met them, had long conversations with them, she had been in their home.  She had seen them parent their older (adopted) daughter.  And honestly the SW felt like a friend and I felt like she had mine and my daughters best interest at heart

The social worker added that they are open to communicating with a birth mother and are respectful of her needs.  What gets me now is they never say anything about openness being a need of the child.  I still don't think they realize that their now adult adopted children (tongue tied and I know I said that wrong) need openness with their other families.  It is like they never realized that their children have 4 very real parents.

As I try to figure out where I am at with this whole crazy adoption situation I have to go back to the beginning.  I started rereading my daughter's aparents profile.  First I have to wonder if there as an outline to follow.  Was there proofreads that the agency did and had them rewrite?  I will never know the answer to that.  Honestly I'm afraid for that answer.  I did expect them to be absolutely truthful after all they had 2 pages to tell about themselves, a woman is deciding who to parent their child based on this.  So even half truths or sugar coating things would be a grievous mistake and is the same thing as a lie.

As quoted from the eloquent The Adopted One   "Adoptive parents should be held to a higher standard simply because they are adopting someone elses child, the new adoptee has also just lost their entire family so yes - higher standard, end of story. Adoptive parents should not ever be given a pass or have excuses made for them when they do something that can impact the adoptee, either physical or emotional harm, they should be better than that or choose not adopt – the impact is too great."

When choosing parents for my daughter I was very adamant I wanted a very tight close knit family.  I wanted my child to grow up with cousins that were best friends, advocates, and each others cheerleaders.  I wanted her to know her adoptive family on a very deep level.  I wanted her to have people around her that she could confide in and trust.  I knew my child would need more than church but people from the community and close friends to help her.   I wanted my child's parents to have ties to the community.  I wanted to make sure that they had every intention to stay where they lived when my daughter was born.  I didn't want them to adopt their children and run.  I made sure that all couples had lived in their homes for at least 10 years.

I wanted the parents to be very loving towards each other.  I wanted them out going and social.  I wanted my daughter to see what makes a good marriage, how spouses love and adore each other.  I wanted a father for my daughter that doted on his wife.  I wanted her to have parents that were best friends.  All of these things were part of my criteria.  The agency at the time preferred the adoptive couple to have similar looks/features of the parents.  I was told it was best to have a child that looked like the adoptive parents that way society never questioned if the children were adopted.