Getting the news - my daughter's pregnant

Well, I will finish telling my story.  I  got contact with Alyssa mid November.  We talked on face book and through texts nonstop.  We had already built a relationship over letters for several years too. 

The beginning of December Chantel, my 20 year old niece, let us know that she had been finally diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis after almost 2 years of symptoms and doctors appointments.  Basically an incurable but treatable liver disease.  From what I understand the bile attacks the liver and she will be on medication for the rest of her life.  Chantel is more like my sister than my niece.  I just love her to death and would do anything to help her.   I wasn't prepared for something that dramatic at all, but at least we finally had a diagnosis.  It is so much easier to deal with the known than the unknown.

About a week and a half before Christmas I just felt like something wasn't quite right with Alyssa.  I suspected for some reason that she might be pregnant.  I have no idea why I felt like that.  We had not met in person and we live over 800 miles apart.  I should not be this connected with a child I have not seen in almost 18 years.

The Sunday before Christmas 2009 I get a text from Alyssa.  I don't remember the exact words, but it went something like:
Alyssa: Something is wrong
Me: What is it
Alyssa: something really wrong
Me:  You can tell me anything what is it?
Alyssa: I have taken 4 pregnancy tests since Thursday and they all came out positive
Me: Okay you're pregnant.  I love you and we will make it through this together. 

It didn't seem that complicated to me.  You're pregnant and let's deal with the situation at hand.

So my big Christmas present this past year was knowing that I was going to be a grandma.  I know I am very young to be a grandmother but I was a young mom too.  Alot of my friends are still having kids and I am a grandma, not a grandma by marriage, but  my daughter is having a baby.  Holy crap! When I am with my kids everyone assumes I am their older sister so I thought, this is going to be interesting to have a grandchild.

I probably understand more than anyone else how hard it is to raise kids when you are barely of legal age yourself.  But raising your child is so much less heartbreaking than placing for adoption and signing away all of your rights.  I have never met anyone that regrets they didn't place their child for adoption.  But there are a lot of  that regret placing their children.  I didn't want my daughter to feel this way with a decision that could not be changed.

I knew how hard Alyssa would have it with being single, still in high school, and living in such a conservative state as Utah is.  I was pretty sure she would constantly hear "the right thing for yourself and this child is to place it".  I found out later that the county she had the baby in has one of the highest rates of adoption rates in the country.  After hearing that I wanted to get her out of that area.  I thought Alyssa would be highly pressured to place here child.

I knew that there would be people that would turn their back on her and would talk behind her back.  I was pretty sure she would get the "look".  You know they look  at your belly and then your ring finger and look away.  They won't even look you in the eye.  I remember getting that look. Or a stranger will ask you if you are married and want to know the whole situation.

I knew Alyssa would need as much love and support as she could get.  I knew how much your self esteem can drop while you are pregnant too. It's not fun gaining weight and get your body totally stretched out, especially when you aren't married. I was so worried about her.  I knew she would be changing and growing up alot in the next 8 months. I just wanted to be there to love her and support her in every way possible.  I really think there was a reason why we reunited when we did.  Alyssa needed both of her moms at this time in her life.  She needed both of us to give her unconditional love and support.

Adoption loss

Today has been another hard day.  I've covered it up pretty well but the emotions are still there.  I picked up Casssie early from school because she had been crying so hard she felt like she was going to throw up.  I finally got out of her what was wrong this evening.   She was upset because she misses her sister Alyssa and nephew Owen so much.  I really don't know when we are seeing either of them again, and I don't want to make promises I can't keep.  We do talk to Alyssa alot on the phone and text all the time.  Alyssa is so sweet that she called Kenny on his birthday even though she was dealing with the grief of Owen turning 1 month old.  Cassie said she just wants to be with both of them and hates that they are in the stupid state of Utah.  She hates that our family will never really be complete.  We will probably never have a holiday where we don't have 1 or 2 people missing.  Even if the words aren't expressed we always know someone is missing in our family, at every vacation, every birthday, every Christmas.

Even though my kids have grown up with adoption, it is still a very raw emotion to deal with.  We didn't get the good part of adoption where a baby joins our family.  We have had our family ripped apart by adoption to the very core.  How do you explain to your kids that there is nothing wrong with them, that at the time for some stupid reason you thought it was best that strangers raise your child than that child stay with you? How do you explain to these children that you didn't know how horribly adoption would would affect them?  Not just the kids you kept but the child you placed too.  How do you ever fully get the trust of all your children when you feel like you have made the ultimate betrayal? 

I feel like I have no answers and only constant questions.  I hate how much the one decision I made to place my daughter has affected all of my children.

August 28 - Kens 14th birthday and owens 1 month birthday

Yesterday and today have been a bit rough emotionally.  I have dealt with the heartache and loss of adoption after placing Alyssa.  But it is so much harder in so many ways having Alyssa place her first child for adoption.  When I placed her I was naive as all birthmoms are about the emotional challenges of adoption.  But to know the emotions that have to be dealt with not just myself, but Alyssa, and my other kids is somedays overwhelming.  It is hard to keep the tears from coming.  To try to be strong enough for all of my kids.  I need them to know that they can rely on me no matter what happens.

I have my almost 5 year old nephew and 2 year old nephew for the weekend.  As I watch them play and was with them yesterday I felt so empty.  I love these two little boys like they are my own, but to know I will never have the relationship with Owen, my first grandchild, that I do with them is heartbreaking.  I will never get to babysit him over night when his parents need a weekend away.  Owen will never come to my house for the night and I won't get to spoil him like I do my nieces and nephews.   He won't come to me when he needs love and guidance.  I will never be able to just drop by and hang out and watch him grow.  I know Owen has an open adoption and his adoptive mom said we can come by anytime, but they do live 12 hours away.  It's different watching a stranger raise your grandchild than your own child.  What is my role in this relationship? 

When my niece Cheri turned 18, Alyssa was almost 14.  We all had dinner together as a family at a restraunt to9 celebrate Cheri becoming an adult.,  I think there was atleast 20 of us.  I was so happy to celebrate my nieces birthday but at the same time I remember feeling empty.  I wanted Alyssa there with us.  I wanted her to be celebrating with us, I wanted her to know our family and love them as much as I do.   Also I was thinking that I would never celebrate Alyssa's 18th birthday with her, I would never see all of the major milestones in her life.  I didn't know if she would ever forgive me for placing her, for abandoning her.    Shana, Cheri's mom, also got pregnant at 16, but she kept Cheri.  Our circumstances were the same but are decisions were very different.  I was thinking how much it hurt to not have Alyssa, I just wanted to go back in time.  I wanted to know my daughter as all mom's should know their children.  I wanted to be there for the small and large things in her life.

Today Kenny is 14 years old.  I am so happy to have him, he is one of the most beautiful boys ever created.  Well maybe I am a bit biased.  He now has dark brown hair, tan skin, and huge deep blue eyes with the longest, darkest eyelashes ever.  His eyes can make any woman jealous.  He will be a heartbreaker.  His eyelashes are so long he wants to cut them with scissors.  I definately am not allowing scissors that close to his eyes.  He is finally going through a growth spirt.  He has always been thin and muscular but now he is getting tall too.  He is extremely outgoing and always been a natural athlete.  He is also my most sensitive child.  Even as a teenage boy he can play for hours with his little cousins.  He tells me that he needs to be a good example for them.  Can I really ask for anything better than that?

Owen is 1 month old today, too.  He was born about a month early on July 28th.  He was born at 5 pounds 1 ounce and spent a week and a half in 2 hospitals.  He was the smallest baby I ever remember holding.  But he was perfect in every way.  When I saw Alyssa holding him I knew both of our lives were complete.  I don't want to ever forget that image. She is a natural mom.  As soon as he was born , she also knew she had been forever changed.  I tried with everything I could to convince her to keep.  I talked with her before he was born and after he was born.  I loved her too much to watch her go through with this heartache that I have been through.

 I couldn't believe that there were so many people telling her that the best thing for her and Owen was to place him for adoption.  If these people truly knew the emotions of a birthmom they would never have had pushed her for adoption.  Yes parenting as a single mom is hard.  But adoption is so much harder.  Either way you will be tied to the biological father forever.   I told Alyssa her and Owen could live with Jer and I for as long as she needed.  We are family after all.  But I also knew if she did that she would leave everything and everyone she knew.  That was a very hard decision for her to make.  She also knew she had promised her child to a couple and they had become her closest friends.  I think she loved then as family.  She didn't want to put them through so much pain either.  After Owen was 48 hours old she signed the papers.  She had about 10 hours of sleep in 3 days and barely ate anything in that time.  Her son was in the NICU, but the adoption agency thought she was in a good enough state of mind to sign the papers to terminate her parenting rights. 

The next day,  after she was released from the hospital she made a last minute trip from Utah to Southern California.  I think she was running away from her emotions and decisions that were just made.  Most woman that had a baby less than 3 days previous,  have stitches, and their milk is coming in don't think it's a great time to travel 600 miles one way.  It's obvious that she was in a great state of mind to sign away her parental rights, right?. I'm still upset that the agency didn't give her space.  They came to check in on her several times a day while she was in  the hospital to make sure she was still going to sign.  They even suggested that she didn't put the father on the birth certificate.  With how the adoption laws are it will be hard enough for Owen to get his hands on his original birth certificate.  Owen needs to know for himself who he is biologically related to.  Why would anyone in the adoption field tell a mother to not put the father on the birth certificate?

I am hoping tomorrow will be better, but right now I am just missing Owen alot. 

Identifying Information - part 2

I forgot to mention that Alyssa happened to get the mail the day the letter I sent got to her house.  My parents put their address label and Alyssa realized that even though the letter was addressed to her adoptive parents it was about her.  She opened it before her adoptive mom could.  She didn't have time to memorize the number but she memorized my name.  Whoops, sorry that really was not my intention at all.

I ended up writing Alyssa through the agency and told her we couldn't meet until after she graduates high school.  I came up with a bunch of excuses but I was crying so hard writing the letter that I almost couldn't see what I was writing.  I knew I would break her heart.  I wasn't sure if she would hate me.  We were just getting to know each other and I am refusing to meet her when she wants to, when we had already agreed on it.  I feel as if I had betrayed her on a very deep level.  I not only hurt her but I hurt my other 3 kids too.

Well Alyssa and I continue to write letters through the adoption agency.  It really sucks to have all her information but still not be allowed to do anything about it.  I'm not a criminal in anyway, I just want to get to know my daughter without an agency and other people reading my letters first.  Is anything wrong with that?

I always made sure that Alyssa had the pictures of me that were my profile pics on facebook.  I wouldn't contact her but I wanted to make sure she would recognize my profile if she ever came a crossed it.  Around the beginning of November Jeremy opened his facebook profile to the public without even telling me.  He knew that her birthday was coming up in February and he wanted to make it easy for her in case she wanted to have a glimpse into our lives without contacting us directly.

On November 15 I was at church.  I was talking after church to some old friends of my parents.  I could tell my husband was becoming very impatient.  He is not like that at all normally.   Well as we walked to the car my husband said, Chantel texted you.  He wouldn't tell me what she said.  He waited until I got in the car and handed me my cell phone.  Chantel had gone through almost 2 years of a medical mystery.  I figured she was finally diagnosed, and it must be really bad.  No that wasn't it at all, her text said, "Alyssa contacted me on facebook today and we are fb friends.  If you want me to remove her I will".  Oh my god I was shaking and started crying.  My husband said, she contacted all of us on facebook.   I had facebook on my phone.  Alyssa sent me a private message on facebook.  I couldn't figure out how to work my phone all of a sudden.  I always used facebook on my phone and now I couldn't figure it out when I really needed to.  I could only read the top of her message.  It said "Hey, this is Alyssa Mary. I just asked my mother now of her approval".   I couldn't get my phone to show the rest of the message. 

It was a 15 minute drive home and luckily Jeremy was driving.  On the way home I decided I had to allow her to have full contact with me on facebook.   I wasn't even sure what the rest of the message said.

The second I got home I jumped on my laptop.  The message Alyssa sent said:
"Hey, this is Alyssa Mary. I just asked my mother now of her approval as to adding you on facebook because I do not have much time to write to you and facebook and my phone is the best way to get a hold of me. So yeah. If you don't think this is your daughter, I was born February 27, 1992 at the Santa Teresa Community Hospital. My parents are Steve and Janet . I live in Utah. Please accept my friend request on here because this is the easiest way to keep in touch with me.
Love Always,
Alyssa Mary "
 
We were all excited.  Alex, Kenny and Cassie could finally have some semi-normal contact with their sister.  My family was able to start to get to know my oldest daughter.  We had waited almost 18 years for this.  I wanted to see Alyssa but I figured we would wait until the summer.  It wasn't long until we started texting too.  We got to know each other so much better.  Not only did we look a lot alike but we had a very similar sense of humor and personality.  We even had a shirt that was the same.  I didn't know she had it, and she didn't know I had it until she saw a pic of me on facebook with it on.  That was a little weird. 
 
I finally had almost normal contact with my daughter.  She had alot of questions for me.   There has been some times she has totally made me cry.  She had once told me that when she was little she wanted me to un-adopt her.  She was fine now but she couldn't understand why I didn't raise her when she was little.  That hurt alot but I am so glad she was comfortable enough to be honest with me.

Identifying information - part 1

Well after being in total shock of finally seeing my daughters adopted name I didn't know what to do.  Obviously I wouldn't contact her.  But I wanted more information.   After I got out of the shower I went in my room and closed my door for privacy, I felt like a little kid sneaking candy before dinner.   I knew my daughter had a facebook page and I just wanted to see it.  Damn she set it for private, but it has a picture of her.  I really found my daughter. 

I felt like I was on a search where my life depended on it.   I had been in contact with a few online adoption search groups and new ways to find people.  I wanted to know more about Alyssa's adopted parents.  After a few days I found her adoptive parents marriage certificate.  I knew both of her parents names including her adoptive mom's maiden name.  I even found out her grandparents names on her dad's side.  I had Alyssa's address and home phone number. 

During this time we still wrote letters through the adoption agency.  I never let it slip that I knew her name or her parents names.  Alyssa decided she wanted to meet spring break 2010.  She would be 18 by then and I definitely wanted to.  I was not going to miss meeting her.  I had hoped that I wouldn't disappoint her though.  All of my insecurities about myself really started to pop up, you know the am I get enough, smart enough, pretty enough, will she hate me?

I talked to other birthmoms and adoptive parents online and asked what they would do in the same situation.  All of the adoptive parents told me that I should write Alyssa's adoptive parents.  That adoptive parents really aren't scared of birthparents.  That if I was their child's birth mother they would welcome me into their home and want to get to know me better.  I felt so much releif from that.

By January 2009 I had asked the adoption agency for the forms to get non-identifying information.  I knew when Alyssa was born that I had signed a paper saying that once Alyssa was of legal age she could have my identifying information.   I had asked the agency to make sure that they had the form I filled out for my  identifying information.  They told me they didn't have the form filled out from me.  I was furious, how could they misplace that form?  I was calm and composed as I talked to them, angry on the inside though.  So I asked them to resend the form for identifying information.  Later that night I called up my mom and asked her ifshe remembers that I had signed a form to release my identification when Alyssa was of legal age.  She remembered I had signed it also.  I still have no idea where the original form I signed went to.

I filled both of them out and sent them back to the agency .  Within a week the agency called me and said you didn't feel out the question, "Why do you want contact with the adopted child"  I told her "I want contact because she is and always will be my biological daughter and I have always loved her.  Write down what ever you have to on that form"  I never had to give a reason to place my child for adoption, but to have open contact I have to have a reason.  That still doesn't make sense to me.

Beginning of May 2009  - By this time I had checked my daughters facebook everyday sometimes a couple times a day just to look a her face.  I still never contacted her on facebook and hadn't sent any identifying information to her.  The adoption agency called my at the beginning of May and said the non-identifying information had came in to the office.  I would need to come by and talk to a social worker to get it.  I set up the appt for a few days later. 

I walked into the adoption agency and talked to the social worker.  We talked for about 30 minutes and it was very easy going and relaxed.  When it was almost over I told the social worker that I had my daughters identifying information.  And he said, "you haven't contacted her".  I simply told him, no because I had been told I could go to jail for contacting her.  He then told me that the agency wouldn't prosecute and most adoptive parents wouldn't especially since they lived in Utah and I lived in California.  Well that was definitely my go ahead. 

Over the next day or two I wrote the adopted couple a letter basically saying that I want to meet them, before I meet my daughter Alyssa.  I wanted them to know that I was safe and normal, I had never been in jail and I am just a typical soccer mom.  I wasn't trying to take their daughter from them or anything.  I would be in Utah towards the end of June. And that was the last time I would be out that way for at least 6 months.

I emailed my parents the letter and asked them to mail it to Alyssa's parents.  I told my parents only put down their address on the envelope and not their names.  Alyssa knew her biological grandparents first names and also my brothers and sisters first names.  My parents took a few weeks to send the adoptive parents the letter.  I wanted her parents to get it  and have time to think over what they wanted.  I had assumed that they wanted to meet me as much as I wanted to meet them.  These were the people that had raised my daughter since she was a week old.  How could I not want to get to know them?

Well I hadn't heard back from them until I was actually in Utah towards the end of June.    They had sent a letter back to me through the agency.  They had all of my information, but they still chose to send the letter through the agency.  I guess they really wanted nothing to do with me.  My husband was at home and scanned the letter in and emailed it me.  They were not interested in meeting me at all.  And to top that off the adoptive mom asked me to send a letter to Alyssa telling her I could not see her the following spring break.  I needed to wait until June 2010.  It was only 2 months longer but it was a 2 whole months.  I had already been waiting over half my life for this.  I knew that would hurt my daughter.  I didn't want her to think I was having second thoughts about meeting her.

Finding out Alyssa's adopted name

After writing back and forth for a year Kara was almost 17, I think we annoyed the agency.  So many letters and we started sending pictures too.  Not just pictures but small 8x8 albums.  Between Dec 2008 and January 2009 Alyssa sent a photo album and letter.  A lot of times I just new when something was waiting at my house from Alyssa.  I just had a feeling. 

Well it was a Saturday and we were helping friends move.  I just new something came in the mail that was really important.  We ran home that afternoon, I made up some excuse, but really I just felt like something important was waiting.  On our porch was a small box from the adoption agency.  I was so excited!!!  I brought it in the kitchen and couldn't rip it open fast enough.  In it was a CD, letter, and the first photo album that Alyssa made me.  It had a few pictures of her.  And it had pictures of her adoptive parents and sister.  But the most important thing inside the front cover was a post it note that read "to the birth mother of Kara M******* W*** from the adoptive mom Janet L W***.  Oh my God the agency missed the post it note with all of the identifying information.  I have my daughters adoptive name.  I jumped in the shower because I needed to get cleaned up and clear my head.  As soon as I got in the shower I just fell to the ground and cried.  Almost 17 years without knowing my daughters adoptive name or her adoptive parents name.  What am I going to do with this information?  I was scared, I was thankful for finding her name, but I was still grieving my daughter's loss. 

I had been told if I ever contact her before she is of legal age I would go to jail.  I never even had a speeding ticket.  I couldn't risk that, I couldn't go to jail.  I had 3 other kids to take care of too. Would it hurt her if Alyssa knew I had this information and did nothing with it?  I was at a total loss.  I really wanted to just call her and to hear her voice.  Would I hurt her emotionally if I contacted her.  What if she really wanted nothing to do with me?   What if she hated me and just wanted contact with her siblings?  So many questions and no answers.

Right after this time I read more and asked questions on adoption groups.  One book that helped me was "The girls who went away" and "The baby thief"  The girls who went away was about true stories of birthmoms in the 60's and early 70's.  The baby thief is how adoption really started in the US.  Both are nonfiction and very informative.

Contact through letters

I have always wanted to meet Alyssa's adoptive parents.  I only looked at profiles of parents that were willing to be open and supportive.  That was one of the reason's I chose the parents for Kara that I did.   I assumed we would be one giant family eventually and support and love each other.  The most important person in the equation is Alyssa.  We all love her and want what is best for her.  Now that Alyssa is an adult I realize that her adoptive parents and I see don't see eye to eye about what is best for Alyssa.  I think allowing her the freedom to know all of her biological family is important for her as a person.  Yes I definitely think 18 is old enough to get to know your family especially since Alyssa has already dealt with so many things in her life.  Emotionally it is best to know your biological family as early in life as possible.  I know the old thinking is adopted children should leave their birth family and become one with the adoptive family.  Is that even possible to become one with a family when you don't know where you get your emotional and physical traits from?

So I talked about earlier in this blog about having letters every year until Alyssa turned 11.  When Alyssa was 15 I called up the adoption agency to see if they had any letters since I had moved the previous year and I hadn't received anything in 4 years.  I know I had called up the agency previously and let them know of the address change but for some reason my current address was not in their system.  But they did have one letter in their file for me.  I left work early and picked up that letter.  To anyone else it's just a letter, but to me this was the only tie to my first child.  The only thing I have received in 4 years.  I devoured every word.  I wanted more contact, more information, I wanted a picture at least.  After reading that letter several time I wrote back.  I was so excited the adoptive family didn't forget about me.  I felt like they wanted to include me in my daughters life.  I had 2 years of worrying about Alyssa, I had a feeling that things were just not right with her but I couldn't explain what it was.  It was something I couldn't even vocalize at the time.

So I wrote a letter back to Alyssa and her family.   Within a few weeks I received a letter back, not from the adoptive mom but from Alyssa!!!!!  The first time I ever got a letter back from her.  We started writing back and forth every few months for about a year or so.  My husband, other kids, and even my niece eventually started writing her. 

After about a year or so Alyssa asked me to write her every week.  I think her words were, "My goal is to write you every week, and you can make that your goal too."  As we wrote back and forth we got to know each other better.  We found out we had a lot in common.  We had very similar sense of humor and thinking on life.  All letters had to go through the agency and they read the letters.  They had to make sure we didn't put anything bad in these letters, like our actual names.  I was pretty sure Alyssa's parents read the letters I sent too.   I always wrote and made sure everything sounded rosie and happy.  I never wrote how much I missed her or what a deep loss it still was to have placed her for adoption.  I didn't want there to be any reason that someone would make us stop writing.

Since Alyssa was about 11 I started reading alot of books on adoption especially what it is like for the adoptive child and adoptive parents.  I wanted to find out for myself how they might feel.  I also joined a lot of online adoption groups.  I had joined several adoption search groups where there were adoptive parents, birth parents, and adopted children looking for their first families.  After reading thousands of searches and people venting I thought I had a glimpse into what Alyssa and her adoptive parents might feel like. 

I also found out what the laws were in California for adoption, placement, and searching.  Each state is drastically different.  California has a 3 day wait period where you can change your mind after placement.  Utah has no waiting period.  California law says once the adoptee is 18 they can sign a form to get their birth parents information as long as the birth parents have signed also.  Some states you have to go through a CI to find your birth parents.  Oregon opens up the records at 18 as long as the birth mom hasn't asked for them to remain sealed.

The agency that I went to told me California law was non-identifying information can be released upon request when the child turns 18 and identifying when the child is 21.  Well that is just a bunch of BS seriously.  They absolutely lied to me.  I was beyond angry.  Lie to me when I am 16, pregnant, and naive that's one thing, but don't think I'm stupid at 32.  We all have access to what the state laws are thanks to the internet.   I am damn good at searching. I knew if I just came to them and was confrontational that would be a problem.  My youngest daughter  wrote to Alyssa a without my prompting and told Alyssa that she wants to see her when Alyssa is 18.  Alyssa wrote back to Cassie and said something like., "That they couldn't meet for several years when Alyssa was 21".

I was pissed not only had they lied to me but now they have lied to all of my children.  Don't mess with an overprotective mother.  I don't care if I gave up my rights to parent Alyssa I still love her as if I raised her.  What is so wrong with meeting your family?  Your siblings?  Why would an agency that I trusted with my daughters life lie to me?

Well I wrote back to Alyssa in the next letter and told her word for word what the California law was. I think I even put the code for the law.  I knew the agency would read the letter.  I wanted them to know they couldn't mess with me or my children any longer.  I was done with being lied to.

Telling kids they have a sister

In 2001 I told my kids I raised they had a sister I placed for adoption.  In 2001 the kids were ages 3,5, and 7.   I wanted them to grow up really knowing they had a sister.  I didn't want them finding out from anyone else that they had a sister, I wanted to explain to them about Alyssa.  I didn't want them finding out when they were teenagers.  I didn't want them thinking that I could keep such a huge secret from them. 

So what I did was take the photo album I had of Alyssa and tell them that before they were born I had a daughter I gave to another family to raise.  I asked if they wanted to see pictures of their sister?  They were so excited.  Cassie my 3 year old wanted a sister so bad, she was beyond happy.  I told them we couldn't see Alyssa until she was 21.  I had been told by the agency that the law in California was no contact until the adoptee turns 21. 

There has been many ups and downs emotionally.  The kids I had raised have cried so many times because they couldn't understand why their sister was being kept away from them.  My 3 kids couldn't understand what was wrong with them that they weren't allowed to see her.  There have been too many tears to count.  Many nights I have had kids cry themselves to sleep while I just held them. 

There has been alot of anger towards me also.  Why did I take there sister away from them?  Didn't I love them enoiugh to keep their sister?  We all had wondered if Alyssa would even want contact with any of us.  No one at the agency even warned me what kind of reaction my future kids could have.  Why didn't anyone even talk to me about that?  No one even told me if I should tell them or keep it a secret.  I do think I did the right thing though by telling them when they were so young.

When I got letters from Alyssa I always showed the other kids but sometimes it took me a few days.  I just wanted to keep it to myself and cherish every word and not share for a bit. 

Recently Kenny my youngest son told me he almost hated me for placing his sister for adoption.  I just held him and let him cry.  I am glad he trusts me enough to tell me how he feels.  It hurt me that he felt that way but atleast he can get out his emotions.

We met Alyssa on her 18th birthday.  It was amazing to have all of my children finally together.  I think meeting in person and having full contact has helped all of us heal a little.  We live 800 miles from Alyssa so we can't see her as often as we want but I have seen her 5 times since February.  We have grown extremely close as a family. 

Meeting my husband

I met my husband when my daughter was 13 months old.  If I would have known how soon after she was born I would have met my husband I think I would have changed my mind about adoption.  I'm still trying to find a looking glass to see into the future.

I was still living in Southern California and decided to come up for a visit to Northern California to see my family.  This was just a few days after my18th birthday.  Well my little sister was 16 and still in high school.  I decided to go with her to drama class.  While I was in the class there was this cute guy with a crazy big mullet.  OMG yes huge mullet seriously.  He had dark blonde hair and blue eyes.  He started talking to me and I found out he had graduated high school but was visiting someone in this drama class.  Obviously security wasn't high at this school.  My little sister knew Jeremy and she told me he was cool.  He asked me out on  a date to see Aladdin, immediately.  Awwwweee how sweet and innocent right.  Well we went the movies and he held my hand.  I couldn't believe this cute guy was atracted to me.  What could he possibly see in me?

I decided after one day of meeting him that I was staying in Northern California. 

We were inseperable since that day.  We literally were together every moment we weren't working, going to school, or sleeping.  I told himn that I had a one year old daughter on our first date.  I was absolutely testing him.  If he couldn't deal with me being 18 and having a baby then he can move on and I would find someone else.  He was cool with it but I left out the fact that I placed her.  That part has always been hard to say.  Jeremy dropped me off at home and he met my parents and I think some of my siblings.  As I walked him out he asked, "so where is your daughter? "  I told him then that I placed her for adoption.  He dealt so well with it.  He definately scored a few points with me that day. 

In September I found out I was pregnant.  We definitely weren't trying but we hadn't used any protection a few times.  OMG I know  - no lectures needed.  Here I am 18 pregnant with my second child. Two babies with two daddies.  I knew I couldn't have an abortion and I definitely couldn't place this child.  I would have died literally to place this child also.  Jer's and my relationship was amazing.  We finally told our parents I  was pregnant when I was 16 weeks pregnant and we already knew I was having a boy.    We told Jer's parents and his mom was overwhelmingly understanding.  I could not have asked for more love and support.  I ended up telling her about Alyssa also the same day.  I'm sure that was alot to handle for her but I never received any judgements about it.

Next was telling my mom.  My sisters knew and several of them were there when I told my parents.  My mom did say she loved me supported me etc.  She took it better than I expected.  As i walked out of the house I told her that I had told Jer's mom about Alyssa.  My moms reaction was "Oh doesn't that sound a little whorish"  Mom way to go.  Build up my self esteem there.  

Jers parents wanted to meet my parents the following Sunday.  On the way to his parents house my mom asked me what do they want to talk to us about?  I honestly wasn't sure.  My mom made a comment, something like "they probably want to tell me what a slut my daughter is"  I know my mom loves each of us unconditionally but she doesn't always phrase things well.

The meeting between both of our parents went well.  Jer's parents just wanted to meet mine, that was all.  And we decided to get married the following Friday.  The day after Thanksgiving.  I know absolutely crazy and insane right?  Let's throw a wedding together in 5 days.  Next we had to call the family - we both have ginormous families.  We had basically immediately family only at the wedding, no friends at all, and there were about 40 people. 

Jer has proved over and over that I definitely made the right decision marrying him.  He started writing my daughter when she was around 16 or so.  He had always tried to give me space when it came to the adoption.  I think he was afraid to ask too much and make me start crying.  He never knew where my emotions were and what would make me sad.  The first time we met my daughter in person my husband and other kids came out too.  We traveled all the way from California to Utah.  He has even started to claim her as his too. 

Jumping ahead - Finding biological father

I am going to jump way ahead with my story. 

Yesterday my daughter got in contact with her biological grandfather on her father's side.  Alyssa has been against having contact with her biological fathers side since we reunited 9 months ago.  When we had only contact through letters when she was 15 or 16 she had asked about him.  I try to never lie to my kids so I told Alyssa about the Rob that I knew.  I did tell her that he has probably changed a lot.  I hadn't seen him since I was pregnant with her.  The Rob that I knew was not a stand up type of guy.  He liked to drink, smoke, do drugs.  He didn't graduate high school or hold a job.  He was 21 when I was 16 but he didn't drive and still lived with his parents.  I know I really picked a winner with her dad. 

I have told her many times that I would help her find her biological family when she is ready.  The day has came!!!  Even though I don't want contact with him or his family I want her to have contact.  I have assumed that people change over 19 years.  I had really hoped that he was stable maybe married and has more kids.  Well Thursday the 18th of August I found her biological grandfather.  I couldn't find Rob but I found someone from his family!  Luckily I'm pretty good on computers and figure out how to find people.

Alyssa called her grandfather yesterday.  From what she told me the conversation went something like " I'm trying to find your son Rob Jr."  his dad said "I haven't had contact with him for 6 years."  her reaction "Oh well I know someone that used to know him 18 years ago. Her name is Jeannette and she is my mom and I am their daughter and I am trying to contact him"  Wow she has guts! I am so proud of Alyssa for being that brave.  I am sure Rob's father was in horrible shock to say the least.  Luckily he is only 59 or 60 his heart can still take the news.  And then he told Alyssa that Rob had been in jail in Nevada and was released but he got a letter from an inmate friend of Robs in an Idaho jail.  So he might be in jail in Idaho. 

I am a bit sad for my daughter, she didn't necessarily want a full relationship with her father but it would be nice to know that he was stable.  Alyssa continued to tell her grandfather that she just had a baby 3 weeks ago and that Rob is now a grandfather and he was a great grandfather.  She asked if he had pictures of Rob.  He said he only had a few from when Rob was a kid.  But he would scan them in and send them to her through email.  At least she finally gets to see what the other half of her looks like.  I had no pictures of him at all to ever show her.   It looks like she might be able to have some sort of relationship with her grandfather. 

It was quite an emotional roller coaster for me yesterday and I'm sure for her too.  I am really frustrated that he couldn't change in 18 years and be the kind of person Alyssa would be proud to call dad.  I know we can't change other people and the world isn't perfect, but I want it to be perfect for my kids.

Things not to say to birthmoms

First I have to say that it is so healing to write down about the most traumatic and emotional event in my life, placing Alyssa for adoption.  I consider myself a lifemom not a birthmom.  I didn't just give birth to her and move on.  I never ever stopped loving her.  Adoption has left some major open wounds in my heart and soul. I can never really be the same person I was before I placed my daughter for adoption.

I know most people when thay find out I am a "birthmom" they try to say something nice to show they understand.  I'm sure they just don't know what to say.

There are a ton of things not to say. I am sure I will miss a few.  Here goes my list


1) Well atleast you didn't have an abortion.

Wow that one does sting. Deciding to terminate a pregnancy and giving your child to a couple that you hope can raise your child than you can financially are two very different things.

2) Well I could never give away my kid.

I didn't auction off my child to the highest bidder.  I gained nothing financially.  I tried to make the best possible decision for her.  I looked through a ton of profiles and chose the one I thought would be best to raise my daughter.

3) Didn't you love your daughter?

Yes I loved my daughter, the same way I love my children I raised.  I didn't place her for adoption to get rid of her I placed her with parents that I thought would raise her well and were much better off financially, a couple that was stable.

4)Well you did a good thing, you made a couple really happy.

The women that raised their children are bad for keeping them?  I didn't have kids to make other people happy, to help them complete their families.

5)While you're pregnant: I know someone who wants a kid or I would love to have your child. Since you don't want it.

No comment on that one.


6)You did the right thing.
 
Really? How do you know?  If I did the right thing why does it still hurt everyday?  Why do I want my daughter back? Is it really wrong to raise your own child?  Is it wrong for me to raise my other children?
 
The most comforting thing I found people to say is "I'm so sorry, that must be so hard.  I can't imagine what that is like.  If you ever want to talk I'm here" 
 
I'm not saying these things to start an argument, but for me these comments can be very hurtful.  I want to help educate people on what to say and how not to hurt birthmothers more.  These comments hurt more when we are having a harder day dealing with adoption.

Letting go...

So let's see where I've left off.  I left the hospital March 1st and after I got home and settled in I signed the relinquishment papers.  In California you have 72 hours to change your mind after the papers are signed.  My sister Anita was coming into town from Southern California and she wanted to say goodbye to my daughter.  I called up my social worker the next day to see if we could see Alyssa one more time.  She said yes since we were still in the 72 hour waiting period and my rights were not relinquished yet.  I got to see my baby one more time.  I was able to hold her and smell her and have her close to me.  Everything was right in my little world.  We left the agency and I was on an emotional high. 

I had some pictures taken so I decided to get them developed at longs 1 hour photo.  It was my mom, her best friend Diane, and me in the car looking at the developed pictures in the car.  We were sitting in the parking lot at night.  I just started crying like I never cried before.  I wanted my baby back now. I didn't drive so I wassn't in control of the car.  My mom held me as I cried and Diane said "let's get your daughter".  My mom didn't say anything she just looked at me and I interpeted it as "You can't, Alyssa is where she belongs."  I found out years later how hard the adoption was on Diane.  How much Diane didn't want me to place Alyssa.  I didn't ask for my daughter back I let the adoption go through. That was so hard. 

I went with Anita to Southern California when Alyssa was about a week old.  I stayed with my sister I think about a week or so .  I was still recovering from the delivery and it hurt so bad to travel as we drove the 6 hours to her house.  In June I moved in with my sister and stayed through the beginning of the following April.

I had many many many bad days.  No one warned me that I would have dreams and nightmares about my daughter.  I still have them after 18 years.  Some days I wake up with tears running down my face. 

I was surprised how hard it was emotionally when the adoption was finalized and she was sealed to her adoptive parents.  I felt like I completely lost her all over again. 

After i moved to Southern California I was being good and going to church.  I started dating again.  I let a few people know about my daughter.  My sister found out that I told someone I was dating about Alyssa, she said I shouldn't tell anyone except the person I am going to marry. Really got me thinking that I should cover up that I had a child.  I didn't look like I had a baby so it was easy to cover it up.

I over heard and alot of conversations about adoption and the whores birthmothers are.  How birthmothers just keep spitting out kids and that they don't care about their children.  Just keep placing babies for adoptions.  The first time I heard this my daughter was less than 6 months old.  I left the church I was at in tears.  I tried defending birthmoms but i was told "you just don't understand birthmoms thinking."  I was so stunned I didn't tell them I was a birthmother.  I wish that was the last time I heard people comment about birthmothers, but I've heard it too many times.

Birthdays are horrible while one family celebrates with their child we are left with complete loneliness and emptyness.  Not even knowing if your child is alive from one birthday to the next.

I did receive alot of letters from the new adoptive parents.  I was told that they were very open to all contact allowed and very intuned to the birthmothers needs.  The first year I got pictures every few months and then a letters up till she was a year and a half.  Then letters every year around my daughters birthday.  They kept up with their agreement for the first 11 years.  I got pictures until Alyssa was about 4 or 5 years old.  It was really nice to get updates.  Everytime after the high of getting letters there was a deep dark low.  It was missing my baby, wanting to see her, and wondering if she could ever forgive me for placing her.  I never thought I would see her in this lifetime.

Back to the beginning

Well lets see I'm not sure quite where to start.  I am a married mom of 3 or 4 kids.  That's a tough question.  I have had 4 kids but I placed my oldest daughter for adoption when she was just days old.  I have raised with my husband the other kids.  Their ages are 18,16,13, and 12. 

My blog is going to be about my adoption journey as a birthmother and now a birthgrandmother.  I hate the word "birthmother".  Like I only gave birth to her and walked away.  I have always loved her and I always will.  I love her the same as my other kids that I raised.  I had hoped by placing her for adoption I could give her 2 loving parents and a stable home. 

There was alot I did not know or understand about adoption when I placed her.  Alot of things know one explained to me.  I was always told that it would become easier.  That time heals wounds.  18 years later I am waiting for that time to come.  I'm waiting for when I stop missing my daughter so much.  I'm waiting for when the wounds will heal.  I know I have been told many times to just move on.  I did the best thing for her and now walk away.  Walk away??? Walk away from my child.   My flesh and blood?  My daughter that not only looks like me, acts like me, but even laughs like me.  Just walk away, I can't do that at all.  I love her unconditionally, my Alyssa.

So many times I have been heartbroken by adoption.  I chose her adoptive parents by a letter they wrote that told about themselves.  18 years ago birthmothers were not "good enough" to meet the couple they placed their child with.  I never knew their names or even what town they lived in.  I never even saw a picture of them.  What kind of agency thinks it is okay to NOT let a mother meet the couple that will raise her child?  Why was I not good enough to meet them?  Why didn't they want a relationship with me?  What is wrong with me? All of these questions and still no answer. 

I was due February 22, 1992.  My daughter was born on February 27, 1992.  65 hours of labor  2 hours of pushing I had a beutiful 7 pound 15 ounce baby girl.  I was beyond exhausted.  I wasn't sure while I was in labor if I even wanted to hold her.  It's not that I didn't love her.  I did!  I was afraid if I held her and saw her I couldn't let her go.  But damn after almost 3 full days of labor all I wanted to do was hold her.  I wanted her to know that she has always been loved.  I wanted to treasure my little time that I had with just her.  I didn't know if I would ever see her again.  Once I held her I didn't want to let her go, though.  How could I possibly place my daughter for adoption?  I held her and cried and loved her and held my little baby more.  I was in the hospital for 3 days recovering from the delivery.  The last day was so hard.  I had family and friends come see me and my daughter.  I did want to share her with my family but I also just wanted time to be her mom.  Time to talk with her and maybe in her heart she would know how much she is loved.  I knew she would never remember me.  But I also knew I would never forget her.  I knew I wanted to watch her grow.  I wanted to raise her more than anything in my life. 

As I lay in the bed wrestling with my decision before I checked out of the hospital.  I thought of so many things.  It didn't matter to me any longer if she had two parents to raise her.  I didn't care if we had a "white picket fence" home.  I wanted to bring Alyssa home.  I was so scared that she would follow my example and get pregnant young.  You always hear "oh well people saty you know why she turned out so bad look at her parents.  Single tennage mom, blah blah blah. I decided I would rather give her up and live with that decision than ever have her wrestle with the decision of placing her own child for adoption.  I thought I made a pact with God that she would never have to go through with a decision like this if I went through it.

Through my tears I asked my dad for guidance, and he said through his tears you know you need to let her go.  I felt like I lost my last support system.  My daddy was supposed to say "let us help you raise her, this was just a test."  I walked away never knowing if I would see my daughter again in this lifetime.

This was one of the two hardest things I have ever dealt with in my life.  The only thing harder was having Alyssa ,the daughter I placed for adoption, place her first child ,Owen, for adoption.  But that is for a future story.

Do I still think the best thing was to place my child for adoption? Absolutely not!  Yes I was a single mother and only 16 years old, but I still think I could have raised her well. There isn't a time machine yet so I have to live with my decisions.