november 30

I'm doing 2 posts today.  I forgot to post one yesterday.  But this first post is the conversation my 12 year old daughter and I had.

This morning the news mentioned Jaycee Dugard missing for close to 18 years.  I looked at Cassie and said wow can you imagine your child being kidnapped for 18 years?  She said, Yeah mom I can, look at Alyssa.  She was missing from our life for 18 years.  There was 4 years we didn't even know if she was alive.  Most of her life we didn't know if she was happy or sad or if she even felt loved.  We didn't know if she was being abused or even felt safe.

Adoption in so many ways does feel like a kidnapping.  I understand that it is not the same but it feels similar. 

When you place a child you don't get condolences or sympathy, you are expected to get over it, you do not get support from family and friends.  If you are lucky you might have someone in your life that lets you talk about it for the first year, but after the first year you really should be over the loss of adoption, or so says society.  There is no support and people pretend it never happened.  In all respects you are expected to move on and just get over the loss of adoption.  It doesn't happen for the natural moms or adoptees we will never be over the loss of each other.

Good bye November Adoption Be-wareness month is over.  I will still be blogging but I'm not so sure about daily blogging.  I will continue blogging for natural mothers but most importantly for adoptees that have lost their families, their origins, for adoptees that feel alone and abandoned. 

Jeannette

November 29- Open adoption

If you are looking to place with an open adoption there are some things you might want to think about

First what do you consider open?  What does the PAP consider open?  How different are your opinions?  Have the PAP signed an agreement stating what they are willing to do to maintain an open adoption?  That should be done before your rights are signed away.

My daughters adoption was considered open in some people's eyes because I got pictures for a few years and letters yearly.  No identifying information was ever exchanged.  Would you consider that opened?  Is that the kind of adoption you want?

Are all visits, agreed upon? If you want to see your child weekly or monthly for the next 18 years that should be included in  an agreement.  If you are told that you can stop by anytime you are having a rough day and miss your child that needs to be included.

Have you been referred to as a birth mother while you are pregnant by the agency or PAP?  You are NOT a "birth" mother until you sign away your rights.  After you sign you are a natural mother, don't allow the agencies terms to be placed on you.  PAL belittles natural mothers and their children.  That is one of the way agencies convince you to place.  They make you think of yourself as this child's birth mother not the mother.  Once they have conquered that wall the rest is easy.  If you have it in your head that you are only a "vehicle" to make someone else parents, than they have made their money.  They know that you now are a very easy prey. 

When you are in labor make it very clear who can see you and when while you are in the hospital.  If you change your mind about when people can see you they need to respect that.  Do not let an agency camp out at the hospital.  If an agency representative is in your room more than once a day they should be asked by the hospital staff to leave.  Agencies have been known to use the camping out method to put pressure on women to sign away their rights
Every PAP couple should be using the proper term of mother not the agency term of "birth mother".  If the PAP have not spent the time and energy finding out what it is really like for a natural mother and adoptee then they have no business looking into adopting a child.  The same amount of time and energy that is placed on finding a baby should be equal to the time and energy spent on really finding out what it is like to be an adoptee or first mother. Do more research than just listening to the agency and their panel.  The panel is hand picked by the agency.  They only tell a very small part of the whole experience. 

Have the PAP promised the moon and stars?  If the PAP have promised so much prebirth is it because they are desperate for a baby and will say anything?  Have they taken you out to dinner and got to know you?  Have they become your closest friend and confident?  If you were not pregnant would they be in your life?  Would they want anything to do with you if you were not pregnant and considering placing with them?

Did you know that according to Bethany Christian Adoption Agency services 80% of their open adoptions close within the first few year?  Would you ever consider having a surgery with an 80% chance of death? Of course not, why would you risk at least an 80% chance of no contact with your child?  Will you be okay knowing that the adoption closed?  Would you be okay not knowing if your child was alive, dead, happy, sad, or abused?

Why haven't adoption agencies put in place legally binding open adoption agreements?  That is simple adoption is about making money.  Its a muli-billion dollar industry.  The ones paying are the PAP the goal is too make adoption easier on the PAP. 

I have been told that the highest rate of adoption is in Utah County.  Shouldn't Utah have the best laws for the protection of mom, dad, and baby?  Utah has the best laws for PAP.  On top of that Utah has a society stuck in the 1950 or 1960 time period.  If you are pregnant and single you are expected to place.  Most of the country is okay with single parenting, but not Utah. 

My daughter's good friend got pregnant this past year. She lives in Utah, and wants to single parent.  She had just in the first 3 months of her pregnancy many people including at the hospital try to refer her to LDSFS.  Why would a hospital even mention adoption to any woman that is considering to single parent.  Isn't that a place to help people medically?  They are not there to judge or give their moral opinions.  Do you see why I think it is hard to single parent when you have everyone around you tell you that you can't,  You are not enough, you need a ring on your finger.  You really are not given a choice.  I think we would all be in an uproar if the case was this girl was being coerced at the hospital and by well meaning adults to have an abortion but because it's adoption and the loving choice we are okay with it as a society.

Thanksgiving weekend

We made it through Thanksgiving.  We headed over to my in-laws house about 11am on Thursday.  I was helping with the cooking.   I made some of the best mashed potatoes I ever head.  On the way over to dinner I started tearing up and then had to stop the tears from falling.  I didn't want my kids to see and I didn't want anyone to worry about me.  After all there isn't anyone that can change the facts.  And really unless you are a natural mom or adoptee you really can't understand the pain. 

I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving.  I know that helped her so much.  Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa.  She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen.  I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper.  I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day.  I really hope that continues.

Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque.  Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great.  My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws.  My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind.  She can understand me like few people can.  Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great.   She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.

On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down.  Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family.  My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going.  There are no pretenses.  The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility.  No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.  

On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary.  We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids.  I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend.  We just did some small shopping together.  It was really fun.

 I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone.  We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives.  She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too.  That really made my weekend.  Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away.  As her natural mom I do sometimes a lot of times feel like I am less of a mom.  Alyssa told me, "You know mom just because you didn't change my (expletive) diapers 8 times a day doesn't make you any less of my mom."   Have I said that I love her so much.  I could never have asked for a better daughter. 

Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales.  Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday.  We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family.  We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year.  Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.

Today we tried going back to church.  We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born.  I couldn't make it through.  It's just not something I can handle right now.  And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back.  Not when my emotions are this close to the surface.  I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time.  Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.

I want more

2 years ago I would have done anything to know Alyssa's adopted name.  I thought if i just knew that and her Aparents name it would be enough.  A little over a year ago I thought I would be fine with being able to be friends with Alyssa on face book.  Once we were friends on face book I thought maybe just talking on the phone would be enough.  Once we talked on the phone I thought maybe meeting in person just once would fill up the whole in my heart.  Now I am saying if I could just have one holiday with my daughter that is all I want. 

Today is just rough, I want more I guess.  I know it is selfish to want my daughter with me when it's just as important to her Aparents that she is with them.  I cried a few times today just because the pain is pretty raw today.   I know I'm supposed to be thankful but I'm not feeling it. 

From the adoptees I know personally it is the same for them.  One of Alyssa's friends who is adopted asked me to help her find her natural mom.  She said she didn't want to meet or anything just wanted to know her natural mom's name.  that's all just wanted her mom's name.  She now has her natural mom's name and wants more.  She wants to know what her natural mom looks like.  Once she knows where her mom is and what she looks like will she want a relationship with her natural mom?  Will it be enough for her?

November 23

I am going to make this very short.  Last night Kenny got cut on his hand at the Boy scout Court of Honor. HE is the only kid that I know that can hurt himself at a place where they are giving out awards and food.   We took him to the ER and he got glued instead of stitches.  He also had to get a tetanus shot.  He is totally worn out today.  Those shots are more painful than the cut itself.

 As we were headed over to the ER after we got the bleeding reduced.  I thought I should let Alyssa know what was going on.  I am afraid that she feels left out of our lives since she lives so far away.  I sometimes feel as if I don't include her enough in family things and let her know what is going on.  Mom guilt is so much fun.

Last night I was thinking that it would have been really nice for Alyssa to be at my house since Alex and Cassie were home alone getting ready for bed.  Alyssa handles Cassie so well, where as Alex being a 16year old boy has no maternal instinct.

November 22

I am a bit down today not only is Owen almost 4 months old but I have another Holiday season without all of my kids.   My sisters and nieces have asked me if Alyssa is going to be joining us for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I have to tell them no not this year.  I know she doesn't want to hurt her aparents.  I truly do understand that plus she gets paid more to work the holidays.  I know I am being absolutely selfish for wanting my daughter and grandson for the holidays, but I still want to see them.  I'm tired of always putting every one's needs in front of my own when it comes to adoption and wanting time with my daughter. 

 I am beyond frustrated at LDSFS.  A few weeks ago my daughter asked for her non-identifying  and identifying information from them.  She was told she could not get her identifying information.  She wants proof that she has gone through the right process to get her OBC.  So we started the process first with non id, then id, then last we will try to get her OBC.  So she calls up her closest LDSFS in Utah.  They did not ask her what state she was born in.  They did not ask what state the adoption was finalized in.  They just told her she was not allowed to get her identifying information.  Without knowing what state she was born in and the adoption finalized in how can they tell her what she is allowed and not allowed to have.  I called up my local LDSFS in California and told them what Alyssa was told in Utah.  They said have her call up a LDSFS again and ask to talk to someone else.  She is allowed to get her identifying information. 

Last week LDSFS called up my daughter to pick up her non-identifying information.  My daughter asked them how she can get her OBC.  The lady at LDSFS actually told her that her original OBC gets destroyed when the adoption is finalized.  Really?  What kind of people work at adoption agencies?  If they are misleading adoptees after they turn 18 how can we trust them as natural mothers to have our best interest at heart?  My daughter who knows the facts about adoption laws is being mislead.  What are they telling all of the other adoptees wanting to search? 

I keep reading that very few adoptees actually search and want to know their natural families.  Is that really true or is it they are given the wrong information from agencies so they won't search?  This is the agency that we trusted to help us make the most difficult decision of our life and now when we have adult children they lie to them. 

November 21 - open adoption

According to our culture there is now open adoption.  The kinder gentler version of adoption.  What do you consider open adoption? I consider open adoption when a natural family can see the child when they ask to.  The child can get to know their family.  I do not consider it open if the Aparents have to check there schedule and get back to you.  When my nieces or other family members want to see me I don't check my schedule and then tell them I will let them know later when we can get together.  They call me and we usually get together that day or within 3 days at the most after.  Why? Because I am not putting them off or avoiding them.  I want to see them as soon as possible.  If adoption is "the loving decision".  Shouldn't it be a two way street?  Should it always be the natural mother making the ultimate sacrifice?  Shouldn't the Aparents put aside some of there fear and jealousy and make a sacrice too?

My daughters adoption was considered open because we exchanged letters annually through  the adoption agency.  We did not ever exchange identifying information, no names, address, or pictures for the first 15 years.  I did receive pictures of my daughter until she was about 4.  No other family members were allowed in the pictures.  They did not receive pictures of me, that was against the rules according to LDSFS.

According to NCFA there should not be laws to allow natural parents to see there children.  According to NCFA open adoption is okay but circumstances change after adoption and PAP should not be obligated to keep there promises to natural parents according to this article https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/images/stories/documents/461-468_PM0000_CH43.pdf

National Council for Adoption is not an advocate for natural parents or adoptees, it is an advocate for adoptive parents only.  I was absolutely surprised by this article.  So basically the article says if the adoptive parents change there minds about openess once the adoption is finalized then the natural family is screwed and just deal with it. 

Now if something happens between myself and my kids and I want to see my grand kids I have the legal right as a grandparent unless I am deemed unfit by law.  There is such a thing as grandparents right and visitation can be legally enforced.  But for a child that is adopted out of the family we have no legal rights to see our flesh and blood no matter what was promised preadoption.  We can be woman of the year but still deemed unfit to see our own flesh and blood by the adoptive couple.

How many kids do you have?

About 6 weeks ago we went to a reunion at my husbands Elementary school. He went to a Catholic Elementary school from K to 8th grade.  Every year they have a big carnival festival every year and they have a place for the alumni to reunite.  So there I am a nice quiet Mormon girl at a Catholic school reunion.   My husband was talking to old friends that he hasn't seen for years.  Our kids are wandering around being bored and alternatively playing hide and go seek.  He was talking to old friends, people he sees only every few years.  They asked how many kids we have.  He answered 3.  I was seriously hurt to my core.  I wasn't angry I was just devastated.  After I asked him why he didn't say 4?  Which of my 4 kids did he leave out?  Because I have 4 kids.  He said he wasn't sure how to answer that when he was asked.  But he said if it meant so much to me, and it is true after all, then he will say we have 4 kids. One simple question and so many answers.

We are on a bit of uncharted territory, no one tells you any of this.   No one really tells you about reunion and reuniting as a family.  The most I was ever told was that we might never meet, that my daughter probably would have no desire to meet me.  But I could get identifying information when my daughter turned 21 if the laws did not change and my daughter signed a consent form. 

Usually at our house we don't sit down and discuss adoption or how many kids we have.  A lot of things have changed over this last year.  First of all the biggest is we are reunited and we are all crazy about this long lost daughter, sister, niece, cousin.  Second thing was we lost another person to adoption. My daughter now knows the pain of being an adoptee which she always lived with but now a natural mother too.  That in itself is a huge change. 

When we were just writing letters Jeremy started writing my daughter.   I never asked him to he just did it.  Since we have reunited my husband has treated my daughter as if she were his.  He is very gentle, a little quiet, but a great sense of compassion.  He always knows right from wrong and does what is morally right.  He never brings up adoption unless I do.   He sometimes doesn't see me eye to eye on everything but when it comes to adoption he doesn't debate it.  Adoption is way too personal for me.  The thing that took away part of my heart and soul.  The thing that has taken away my daughter and grandson that is the one thing I will not debate.

Genetics

I was talking with Alyssa yesterday and she was telling me how her boyfriend's mom was commenting how thin Alyssa was.  I have met this woman she has seen that I am on the small side but Alyssa's Aparents are bigger than I am.  Alyssa just looked at her and said I take after my real mom.  I know some people will be offended by her term of real mom.  But each person is allowed to choose how they refer to all of their parents.

I don't know about any other natural moms but Alyssa and I both lost our baby weight within a few weeks after placing our first child for adoption.  Alyssa is about a size 4 only 3 and a half months after having Owen.  Shoot I lost about 5 to 7 pounds after she placed Owen.  That is just the way our bodies deal with high stress.  Surrendering a child is extreme high stress.  I deal with the death of a family member better than I deal with the loss of my first child and grandchild to adoption.    A death is expected. we  know everyone will die.  Losing a family member to adoption is tragic you never expect to lose any family members to adoption.  You don't expect laws to try to break ties to ancestors and descendants.

I know people expect you to look like your parents including your adoptive parents but you have no genetic linkage to your adoptive parents.  You look as much like them as any genetic stranger.  So often when people have met Alyssa and realize how much she looks like me and that we have the same mannerism they are surprised.  After all I didn't raise her so how can she take after me?  How is it possible that we are so in tuned to each other?  It's very simple.  There is and always will be a bond between mother and child.  We know things instinctively about each other and we are wired the same way because genetically she is half me.

November 18 - Adoption - Falsified documents

Is adoption as it is today justified, right or moral? I don't believe it is.  In adoption, a child's birth certificate is replaced by a falsified birth certificate - an amended birth certificate.  Even my daughter at a very young age couldn't understand why her aparents were listed on her birth certificate.  They adopted her they never gave birth to her they do not share her DNA, linage, or her family.   A child can see that it isn't right, how as adults do we justify it?  A child's name is changed, the parents are changed,  sometimes the birth date is changed, and even the city and county can be changed.  Can we get anymore false of a document?

 If you believe that that practice is honorable then by all means, continue to believe in adoption.  I do not approve that any birth certificate is  sealed  by our government because another set of parents wanted to parent a child. The same goal can be accomplished by guardianship which does not seal and falsify a child’s birth certificate. Nor does Guardianship destroy  any ongoing visitation, contact,  and relationship building with the child’s extended natural family. Adoption tries to destroy these bonds.

Falsified birth certificates changes an adoptee’s identity and that is an immoral intended consequence of adopting a child. Provide a home with parents, but keep the child’s birth identity intact!  Guardianship by a caring couple only after all other possible solutions to the child’s care are exhausted.   The only humane thing in adoption is to keep all natural ties.  I know it is hard on the adoptive couple.  After all they want a child.  They didn't want an extended family.  But no child is a blank slate.  Every single child has parents,  has ancestors, is already wired with their looks and personality.  I know the concern is "but what if the natural parents bond too much with their child?"  Of course they will bond.  They have bonded for 9 months before the child was adopted.  I am still bonded with my daughter even though we were separated for 18 years.  That does not mean a child will not learn to bond with adoptive parents too.  Do we bond with more than 1 sibling?  Do we bond with more than one aunt, uncle, friend, grandparent?  Then a child can bond with multiple parents too.

A child's birth certificate should NEVER be sealed and NEVER falsified and those are consequences to the adoptee of the adoption process. This affects the identity of the adoptee forever, and that of their children and subsequent generations.  It is very hard to do a  genealogical search and find documents to prove lineage once an adoption takes place. An adoptee’s lineage is sealed upon adoption. That is immoral, unjust, unethical as if the adoptee is an owned person.  The child by law is no longer part of his, family, tribe, or ancestors.  The child has been bought and now belongs to a whole new family.  Yes I consider when you pay for and get a receipt you have bought a child.   I know the positive adoption language is adopt but it really is the same thing.

Should not have looked at facebook today

Okay be warned I am on a rant right now.  I was just quickly on facebook and someone posted "If you know of anyone looking to place a baby for adoption pass this link on". 

This is an LDS Family I grew up with.  I am friends with the mom on face book, her kids are just a couple years younger than myself.  One of her sons for whatever reasons want to adopt through LDSFS.  I of course clicked on the link.  And it is on the www.itsaboutlove.com website.  First of all can you get a worse name than that?  It's about love  - WTF?  It's not about love at all.  It's about someone wanting a child, anyone's child.  They don't care about race, sex ethnicity, they want anyone's child. They don't care that a child already has a natural family, they don't care that adoption will break up generations forever. They don't care that a mother will go the rest of her life mourning her child lost to adoption.  They don't care that the child will go through their life feeling abandoned by the natural parents. And that child will expected to be grateful to the rescuers.  They care that they get a child and nothing else matters.  Seriously nothing else matters but that.  This couple even got a special photo shoot for their "birth mother" profile.  I think I might seriously vomit over that one.  Let's pull the heart strings of some girl that doesn't feel like she has another option, she doesn't feel good enough to parent her own child.  A girl that walks into LDSFS to try to get help to raise her child but instead she is convinced she can't parent.  BTW - did I tell you that this couple lives outside Salt Lake City  What better place to adopt then Utah.  The state where natural parents have zero rights and adoptive parents have all of the rights.

Below is the first statement on their site.

"We are honored to have the opportunity to introduce ourselves to you and we hope you will feel our love and sincerely pray that the Lord's guidance will be present throughout this process. We are thankful for the opportunity to adopt and would love to have an open adoption. Please feel free to view pictures and learn more about us anytime at our blog"

I am sure they are sincere that they want someone's child.   They can't have their own but do they say what open adoption means to them at all?  Study after study proves that if you want to adopt now a days then you have to say you want an open adoption.  It draws in the natural mom of a promise. A promise that the natural mom has no legal recourse if the adopters close the adoption.   How long are they willing to keep the adoption opened?  Do they consider pictures and letters open?  And don't bring The Lord into adoption, adoption is about a need from adopters it has nothing to do with God.

"About us:
We met through, JoJo's (Joanne’s) brother-in-law who was Cory’s LDS mission companion in South Carolina. We wrote letters back and forth for almost two years and developed a strong friendship. After Cory returned from his mission we started dating. Shortly after we started dating we both began to develop a deeper love for each than we had ever experienced. We knew that our love for each other would never end and that we desired to become a forever family. After dating for almost a year, Cory purposed to JoJo in the middle of an ice pond with a pink ring pop. We were married in the Mount Timpanogos Temple where we were sealed as a forever family. We have always enjoyed the presence of children and have desired to have a family of our own. Thankfully, through the miracle of adoption, we will be able to make our dream a reality."

Oh look perfect family he was a  great and loyal servant of the Lord, he took 2 years out of his life to be a missionary.  See he is unselfish.  Oh isn't that sweet. Miracle of adoption?  What miracle of adoption?  What is a miracle is that any young girl in Utah County especially is able to walk away from the hospital with their child.   It would be a miracle if any girl would be given the full facts about adoption all the way through reunion. 

Shoot I want boobs and a flat stomach that doesn't have stretchmarks covering it.  Maybe through the miracle of plastic surgery I can have that too.  Nope plastic surgery just like adoption isn't a miracle but merely a modern invention that fills our own personal needs and desires. 

Next comes their love for each other:

"JoJo’s Thoughts About Cory:
Cory is a sports fanatic and loves to watch and play football, baseball, basketball and any other sport. He loves the water and enjoys camping and doing things outdoors. Cory also enjoys spending time with his many younger cousins, nieces and nephews and his family. He is the second oldest of five kids and considers his older brother to be his best friend. Cory and his brother are often found taking their cousins to ball games and playing football with them. We are both very close to his family and extended family and spend most Sundays with them playing games.
Cory is a very easy going and a loving person who would give up anything to help another person. He is a hard worker and is great with children. One of his favorite things to do is help his younger cousins become better athletes. He enjoys serving others, especially the disabled adults with whom he works. He loves to help them succeed and accomplish their goals. Cory is extremely loving and supportive in every aspect of his life, and his dedication to serving others is illustrated in his boundless and deep affection that he shows the people he helps. He is filled with a peaceful and strong sense of duty that will serve him well as a father.
Cory is in his senior year in his exercise science program, and is planning on becoming a physical therapist. He loves to learn new things about the human body and sharing his knowledge with others. He enjoys sports and would like to continue to help athletes recover from their injuries."

"Cory’s Thoughts About JoJo:
JoJo really enjoys playing board games and spending time with family. She is the youngest of four children, and her older sister has always been her best friend. All of JoJo’s siblings are married and together we have five nephews, one niece and two babies on the way. JoJo enjoys going on walks and being outdoors. She also loves the rain and likes to sit on the porch swing and watch the rain fall. She loves to travel and go on yearly vacations and looks forward to visiting her family in New Mexico, twice a year. Her favorite two things to do on our weekly date, is to play miniature golf and watch our local baseball team play ball.
JoJo is an incredible person. She has a big heart and is concerned for everyone. She is selfless and very service oriented. She is constantly looking for opportunities where she can lighten someone's burden. One of the things that stands out the most with JoJo is how open she is in dedicating her time, emotion, and energy in working one on one with others. She is extremely friendly and has no trouble relating and getting along with almost any body.
JoJo works as a Campus Coordinator at a little college in American Fork, Utah. She loves working closely with teenagers and strives to set a good example for them. JoJo is also in school and has two semesters left in her nursing program. JoJo’s goal in becoming a nurse is deepened with knowing that she will have extra knowledge and ability to care for her children. She loves learning about psychology and the human body and likes to share and use what she has learned because she has a great desire to help others. JoJo will be an attentive and loving mother, it shows in the ways that she takes care of her family, her friends, and in her joy and love of life. I fully support her desire to become a stay at home mother. "

See what a perfect family and now all you need to do as a scared single pregnant woman to give them an "unwanted" child. Doesn't it sound like they are saying see we are more worthy than you.  Yes they both work and go to school but they would make better parents than a single woman working and going to school. 

"We are humbled to have the opportunity to adopt and are grateful to you for your courage and selflessness. With three of our cousins joining our family through adoption, we have seen personally how adoption can bless a family and we are anxious for that blessing to come into our home.
JoJo has always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom and to teach her children through a loving example. We feel that by teaching through example, we will be able to develop a strong relationship with our children and will be better able to help them learn responsibility and love. We feel that a home filled with love makes a happy family and we look forward to establishing one of our own.
We have just about every ethnicity represented in our family and are joyful to have the opportunity to adopt any child. We feel that there are never too many people to love a child and would prefer an open adoption if that is desired. We would like to establish a strong relationship, open communication, and a true friendship.
Thank you for allowing us this opportunity to share a little bit about ourselves with you. We pray that your heart will be filled with comfort and love"

Courage and selflessness??? What about the PAP courage and selflessness?  Isn't wanting another person's child slightly selfish?  How adoption can bless a family?  You mean tear apart 3 different families so far to help your family grow.  Hmmm that does sound like a blessing for them only.  Another thing implied is because you are a single mom at the moment is you can never be a stay at home mom and you won't be a loving example.  Single moms can't have a home filled with love?  In exchange for your child we will allow you to have a friendship with us and "open communication".  What if the woman wanted to keep her child would they still be friends with her or is the whole relationship built upon the wants and needs of the adopters?  Could this couple be filled by helping keep a family in tact or is it all about their needs on having kids to raise?

November 17 - My Niece Chantel

This was posted by my niece, she was diagnosed with a disease one year ago.  I wanted to share her story on my blog.

Life After DiagnosisLiving With PBC(Primary Biliary Cirrhosis)

By Chantel

I remember those days and I remember them well. Growing up I was always a healthy eater and extremely active. I was always the one would choose an apple as a snack unlike my brother who would go for the fruit rollups in the pantry. It was moments like those that my parents would always use me in their "junk food lectures" as their perfect example. "Who do you think will live longer, you or Chantel?" They would always ask one of my brothers and the correct answer is…ding, ding, ding..."Your sister." That's right, I was going to live longer and healthier because I was making the right choice. It was moments these that made me believe I was truly invincible and nothing would ever bring me down.

I remained overall a healthy eater throughout my middle school and high school days. I even kept up a healthy exercise thanks to dance and cheerleading. Those days seemed amazing, nothing could harm me. Life after high school and into the real world was years away. I had lots of friends, was with the "in crowd", I had a wonderful family, and I did my best to make sure my high school days would be one I would never forget.

Me and my cousin Cheri Mutz

After high school I followed my parent's wishes and went straight to college at West Valley College in Saratoga with the plan to transfer to a university somewhere preferably away from home. My major would be English literature and hopefully someday I would become a high school English teacher. I had at least my next five years all planned out and all I had to do was turn those plans into actions. My first semester of college was amazing; I still had amazing friends, had good grades, and was doing everything I needed to do. I had so many good times during those first few months of college and had few things to worry about.
My second semester of college started sooner than I could've imagined. I was taking five classes and was working a full time job to pay for my tuition. One night about half way through the semester my legs started getting really itchy. I would scratch at it but the itch wouldn't go away so I would scratch harder and before I knew it I had red dots all over where I was scratching. The itching kept me up for about an hour until I finally was able to doze off. Every night was like this for about a week and then out of nowhere it just stopped. I figured it must have been irritation from my soap or lotion so I quickly replaced them both with sensitive skin products. About a month later the itchiness came back and this time lasted a bit longer than a week. I related it to my menstrual cycle and pushed it of like it was no big deal. The next month it came back only this time it wasn't going away. After putting up with it for about three weeks I told my parents. We changed everything in the house (detergent, lotions, etc) to sensitive skin products and made sure I stayed away from anything we cleaned the house with. Nothing helped and it was getting worse by the day. I was getting to the point where I was literally scratching my skin raw; I was creating rashes and cuts into my skin and would find anything sharp and pointy to relieve the itching. I would use combs, rulers, and even the metal part of my phone charger with hopes that something will dig into my skin far enough to make the itching go away. Finally I made an appointment with my doctor.
My first doctor's visit was very basic, he made sure I tried to get rid of the irritated skin on my own and decided to run several blood tests. I got the results back about two weeks later and everything was normal except for my Liver Function Tests (LFT). There are three main parts to this test ALT, ALP, and GGT; all were elevated to over 100 (the normal range is around 40). He let me know it was nothing to worry about but we will have to keep it monitor on it for a few weeks. So every week I would go in for blood work and every week was a different result. The first few trips the counts just kept getting higher and one time they dropped a few numbers. My doctor believed that whatever it is must be going away on its own but we will still have to watch my LFT's for about two more weeks. Even though my test were getting better the itching was just getting worse, instead of it just being my legs and feet it was spreading throughout my body. From my head to my toes I would scratch all day and it would keep my up all night. I decided to see a dermatologist and hopefully get some answers but all I got was "it's your hot showers, just have colder ones and moisturize after and that should do it". Which I'm sure as you can probably have guessed it didn't do much but left me missing my hot showers.
A week later I went in for another blood test and the results weren't as good as the last one. My LFT's shot up from 150 to the 200's and it was at that time that my doctor admitted to me he had no answers. He transferred me to a liver specialist over at a local hospital. She was a very sweet woman and an amazing doctor. No matter what I asked she was always able to answer my questions and "dumb it down" for me since I don't speak doctor. While I was there I had two ultra sounds and a liver biopsy as well as my normal blood tests about every two to three weeks. The liver biopsy was the worst out of every test I had to take there. The biopsy itself wasn't that bad but the infection afterwards was far from pleasant. I was hospitalized just four days after the biopsy and remained in the hospital for three days due to the reduced number we found in my white blood cell count. Through every test we eliminated several diseases (lupus, any hepatitis, HIV, cancer) but never found what I had. My LFT's now made their way to the 300 range and were continuing their mission to keep rising. I also started developing another wonderful symptom to add onto the itching, fatigue. No matter the number of hours I would sleep I'd always fill tired and exhausted which eventually made me have to cut back on many things I had always been able to do. My liver specialist transferred me over to another specialist at Stanford hospital and it was at that moment I decided I would have to change my college plans around.
I recently got accepted into ISU [Idaho State University] and was on my way to getting closer to my Teaching degree. I had it planned out to where I would live, what car I would drive, and what classes I would be taking. My hard decision came in those few months when I decided to throw the plan of moving to Idaho out the window. My health was in no good condition to be moving so far away from my family, my main support throughout this whole struggle. The new specialist I was assigned to was at Stanford hospital and I knew I couldn't afford flying out every month. I had to stay and I knew that even though it was a difficult choice it was for my best. So I stayed and applied for my third fall semester at West Valley College but didn't give up my hopes on transferring to another university.

Playing with my brothers

My new specialist was Tami Daugherty at Stanford Medical Center. She was a tall slender woman with gorgeous red curls that helped shaped her face, not at all what I had envisioned for a Stanford doctor. Even though she wasn't at all what I expected on looks, she was everything and more in as a professional doctor.
As soon as she got my case she went straight to work on tests. We did several blood tests to eliminate more things and got me signed up to do a MRI. I went back the following month with the same news that I had got at my last specialist, higher LFT's and no clue with that's going on with my body. She assured me that she still had plenty of other things to test for, so more blood work and an ultra sound was ordered.
The next visit we found out my LFT's were now moving into the 450's and still everything came back normal. She let me know that she believed I had an autoimmune disease I'm just not testing positive for it, which is completely possible.
That same visit she looked at me and asked, "Are you okay? You look exhausted. How much sleep have you been getting?" The look of pain, stress, and exhaustion must have been screaming from every expression on my face. I was falling behind on my studies because my body never had enough energy. The anxiety from the itching made every muscle in my body tense and the itching was beginning to feel more like a sharp pain instead of just a regular itch. My body literally was become a torture chamber to my mind and I felt like if anyone touched me I would just scream. I informed my doctor that I had at least ten hours of sleep the night before and twelve hours the night before that. Dr. Daugherty gave me a concerned look and gave me a prescription for a pill called ursodiol and informed me that it won't do any harm to my body but what it does is it breaks down the bile in my liver. She directed me to take on pill three times a day for a month and hopefully my LFT's will change for the better.
I came back a month later and to my surprise my LFT's dropped from the 450's to 375. This was a dramatic change and was significant enough for Dr. Daugherty to give me what I had been searching for during the past year and a half, a diagnosis. I was diagnosed with Primary Biliary Cirrhosis (PBC) but she was quickly to inform me that I do not have cirrhosis even though it's part of the diseases name.
PBC is an autoimmune disease where the body breaks down the bile ducts in the liver to the point where bile can no longer pass through to other parts of the body. Over a period of time after having so much bile build up it will be too much for the liver to handle and will cause liver tissue damage and that is the final stage of PBC, the stage where cirrhosis hits. The disease is mainly diagnosed with people between the ages of 35-60 and nine times out of ten are women. Like any other autoimmune disease there is no cure for it only ways to manage it and that is done through ursodiol. My doctor also let me know that I will have a liver specialist for the rest of my life and we will have to make sure I don't get the other diseases that come with PBC. More than likely down the road I will need a liver transplant but was told not to worry about that right now because that is years down the road.
The whole time she was explaining the disease to me I felt every emotion a human being could possibly feel all at once. I was happy, sad, mad, frustrated, scared, worried, devastated, excited, but mainly I was relieved that I finally had a diagnosis. I informed my family and since the next day was Thanksgiving I didn't think much of the disease and went on with life as normal.
It wasn't until that following day when I was at work alone when the diagnosis really it me. It was the first time I let myself think about the future and what could happen. The emotion came running through my veins all at once, I cried the whole eight hours at work and continued until I fell asleep that night.
That entire weekend I didn't want to do anything but lay around the house all day close to my mom. She held me the whole time and never once asked any questions, I think she already knew that no words had to be said that weekend. Sunday evening dragged around and that night in bed I told myself I can't go around feeling sorry for myself for the rest of my life. I had school to get through and a life that I would regret if I didn't live it.

Me and my family

I finished the semester but knew it was my weakest semester I had yet. The following semester came and quickly turned into my hardest struggle. The whole time I was mad that everyone around me was healthy and they didn't know how lucky they truly were. None of my friends had to take pills, worry about what medication they took, do emergency room runs, cancel plans because of fatigue, or worry about prescription refills. They never had to be scared about showing their legs in the summer because everyone will see the bruises, scabs, and scars you carved into your skin with your very own nails. They didn't wake up in mornings and see blood spots all over their sheets because they scratched the scabs off while they were asleep. I envied every person around me and it caused me to lose focus on my goals and what really mattered. Somehow I managed to get decent grades but I knew that I could've done better in all of my classes. I was depressed but made sure nobody around me knew it, not even my family or boyfriend because I didn't want them to know about my pain or even worse talk about it.
The summer after my third year of college I found PBCers.org. An online group filled with people struggling with the same disease I have. I have met several people on it and even though they are all much older than me they understand the hardships I go through. They know what it's like to get hours of sleep and still be exhausted throughout the day or the extra caution I have to go through with my body on a daily basis. They let me vent with them about my hard times and always tell me that there is life after being diagnosed. A member of the group recommended everyone to read an amazing article called "The Spoon Theory". I have to admit that everyone needs to read it, whether you know someone with a disease or disability, have one yourself, or just want a good read. I understand now how many spoons I have, how I have to use my spoons, and when I need to save them or borrow one.
This year will be my one year diagnosis with PBC. This year represents the hardest and best year of my life. I went from being mad at the world and asking "why me" on a daily basis to enjoying the world and asking "why not me". This past year I have cried myself to sleep on numerous occasions. I have been frustrated at people when they say those five annoying words, "But you don't look sick". I have cried with my family and boyfriend after admitting to them how scared I am. I lost insurance and had to do everything in my power to stop the tears from running down my cheek when I was rejected from getting it back for having a preexisting condition. I've found people who can understand me and have helped me figure out how to take care of my body and cope with the disease. I had to explain to my friends no bar hoping on my 21st birthday and not be surprised when they didn't understand. Never in one year have I ever had as many extreme highs or extreme lows as I have had in this past year.

My brothers and me at Tulume, Mexico

This semester I'm taking a class on intercultural communications and our first speech we were assigned was about who we are. Part of the speech had to be on where we wanted to be in the future. It was that part that had me thinking the hardest. My future is very different than every student in my class. I know I'll need a liver transplant and always need different tests. My risks for liver cancer are higher than most as well as having complications when I'm ready for children. I realized after thinking about my future for quite some time that the only thing I want from it is to one day be healthy again.
I am a firm believer that everything happens for a reason no matter how good or bad the situation is. Even though I might not know the reason right now, I have no doubts that one day I will understand why I got PBC. I don't know if I will be the longest one to live out of my siblings or even my parents. But I do know that no matter how short or long my life is it will be lived to its fullest potential no matter what lies ahead in my future.

November 16 -Jer's family

Well this year I have finally came out and told most of Jer's family about Alyssa.  Jeremy has a super close extended  family.  They have always accepted me for who I am.  They are not judging in any ways.  They are examples of how good christians should be. 

Last Christmas we told Jeremy's cousin who is Cassie's god father.  I have felt awful from keeping such a huge secret from his family.  First of all I wasn't sure of their reaction.  But mostly I was afraid of the questions.  The why?  How could you?  Where is your daughter?  Did you meet her parents?  What is her adopted name?  Have you heard from her recently?  All the questions I couldn't answer for 17 years.  Holiday get togethers are hard enough on me, I am always on the verge of breaking, what if someone asked me about her and I broke?  what if I couldn't keep in the emotions.

Jer's first cousin that we told took it great.  We didn't tell anyone else until this past August.  We shocked Jer's older brother.  I had a pic on my phone of Alyssa and Jer showed his brother.  Jer said well this is Jeannette's oldest daughter she placed for adoption, oh and Jeannette's a grandma.  No we are not teasing.  Yes I am serious.  His reaction was of total shock.  He couldn't even talk.

Next we told Jer's other cousin Stacy.  She was amazing.  We talked to her for hours that day about it. She gave me total acceptance and love.  She told her mom.  The only thing Jer's aunt said was why didn't you tell me earlier.  You are our family.  Can I just say he has an amazing extended family.

Next we told another aunt of Jer's.  Sandy was great.  She said you didn't have to share with me but thank you for trusting me.  Sandy's best friend was with her.  I found out then that her best friend was adopted.  Sandy understood the struggles with adoption from her best friend's point of view.  Her best friend told me that she never looked for her nmom because she was afraid of the rejection.  I was the first nmom that she knew of that had accepted her child back with open arms.

At a halloween party Jeremy told another cousin.  Donny took it great.  He was shocked but took it very well.   Donny has a younger sister who is adopted.  I wasn't sure how his family would take that I, a natural mom, was in my daughter's life.   Would they feel threatened?  No not at all, he was actually very happy for me.

We still have more of Jer's family to tell.  I don't want to tell them over the phone, by email, or over facebook.  I will wait till we see each person and I will tell them individually.

Jeremy's one aunt has known for almost 4 years.  Easter when my daughter was 15 his aunt was telling me about her struggle with infertility.  I started to tear up as she told me they were looking into adoption.  I knew they would never promise a natural mom anything they would not follow through with.  I also knew they could love a child not their own as if the child was.  I had always hoped that my daughter had Aparent that were similar to my husband's aunt and uncle.  When I told her about Alyssa, his aunt just had empathy for me.  She talked to me and told me how hard it must be for me to watch her struggle with infertility while I had placed my daughter for adoption.

She has now tried for almost 20 years to get pregnant.  She is one of the most truly honest and amazing women that I know.  She has always put other people in front of herself, she is easy to talk to, she is strong but vulnerable.  She can joke one minute but be serious the next.  I have always felt close to her since the day we met.  She is also Alex's godmother.  Jer's aunt is only about 10 years older than him. 

Several of Jer's family members have told me, "your daughter is part of our family, she is part of you, and we want to meet her"  and several have asked if she was coming out for Christmas this year because they wanted to see her and get to know her.  I could not have asked for a better family to marry into.

November 15 - Yesterday

I  did not have time to write at all yesterday.  I left my house by  noon yesterday and didn't get back home until after 9:30. My sister, Shana, has a trade show coming up today.  It is her first one she is doing and she is a bit nervous.  She doesn't know how many people are coming.  We spent the day helping with goody bags, setting up promotional clothing, ironing the clothes, typing up raffle prizes,  just being plain old busy.  I can't wait to hear later tonight how her trade show went.  We did alot of extra stuff so the next trade show will be alot easier too.

My sister Shana has 4 kids from the ages 22 to 5 years old.  She got pregnant with her first daughter when she was 16, obviously not married.  She really did fight to parent her daughter.  My mom wanted her to place Cheri, but She finished high school and got married to Cheri's dad.  She did not go to college but worked her butt off waitressing and then getting into accounting.  She had a son 2 years after she had her daughter.  3 years later she had another daughter and very soon after divorced her husband.  She did not have the best marriage and had to overcome alot of obstacles. She had several years of being a single mom with no child support.  She worked really hard, and was able to make it through, without getting any government support.  When her youngest daughter was about 5 or 6 Shana remarried.

Shana still continued to work hard.   The way she shows her kids love is to provide for them.  She is an amazing mom and tries to be there for all of her kids.  About 5 years after she married her second husband she had another child.  She still only had a high school education but not long after she had child number 4 she started her own promotional apparel company.  Shana has always been a hard worker, there has been times she has worked 12 to 16 hours a day for 7 days a week for months on end.  If she worked that hard for other people than she can do amazing things for her own company.  She is doing great as a business owner even in our economy as it is today.  She works hard and makes her customers happy.  She seems to be much happier working for herself.

Shana and I have talked about adoption and both of us are for family preservation.  Shana went with me to Alyssa's high school graduation last May.  Shana and I talked with Alyssa about trying to parent Owen.  We talked to her about not placing Owen, that it isn't easy to be a single parent but Alyssa would have our families full support and help.  Alyssa wasn't the easiest to talk to at the time.  She would shut down, put up a wall, make jokes, and change the subject.  Her defense mechanisms are just like Shana's and mine.  At least we understood her very easily. 

I'm sure Alyssa was getting confused to say the least.  From her afamily she was getting "adoption, adoption, adoption", from the baby's dad she was getting either adoption or abort.  From her friends even those that recently placed they were telling her adoption.  And now here we come in who have barely recently known her as a person and we are telling her to parent.  Not only to parent but that we will help her.  We the family that abandoned her in the first place. 

I think, atleast for me, you have very different feelings from the time you place to the time your child is an adult.  You learn so much including the pain that stays with you, adoption is NOT the loving option, the child is not better off with strangers as you were told.  You find alot more studies showing how adoption is worse in alot of cases for adoptees.  But mostly you are not told how many generations adoption will affect.  How many generations will feel the loss and sorrow of adoption.

November 13 - should have been

I know I am rambling but I'm thinking about Alyssa and Owen and that sacred bond between the two that has tried to be severed by the laws of the land. The sacred bond between her and I that had tried to be severed by laws, by a piece of paper.  I am hurt and angry by the should have been. 

She should have kept her name and  her original and unaltered birth certificate.  She should be best friends with her cousins Chantel, Cheri, and Brittany.  She should know the inside jokes and the ins and outs of our family.  She should have met all of her grandparents on both sides.  She should have met all of her aunts and uncles.  She should have grown up with Grandma Anderson's chocolate chip oatmeal raisnin cookies which we have every Christmas.  She should have been involved on all the birthday cake fights.

 But mostly she should have grown up and seen herself reflected back in her family.  She should have seen me as her mirror image, her mom.  She should never have wondered where and how she fits in.  My daughters should have had the fights growing up over cassie stealing Alyssa's clothes or being spied upon while she kissed her boyfriend good night.  The fights of Alyssa being annoyed over her little sister being around too much.

We should not be making up for 18 years of lost time.  She should have gone on the long RV trips with her Grandpa Denny while he pointed out all the wild life.  She should have gone to Yellowstone so many times with grandpa and grandma that she rolls her eyes when they mention let's go see buffalo.  She should not have weekend glimpses of how it should have been.  The glimpses she gets when she visits her hometown, the town where she was born. 

She should have been one of the nieces that froze all of Aunt Laurel's bra's in the freezer when they had a sleepover.  She should have seen Laurel's mad reaction when Laurel found out she had no bras, clean or dirty, that had not been drenched in water and then frozen.  Alyssa has missed so much with her original family.  I wonder if we will ever stop feeling like this.  I wonder if I will ever stop thinking of the should have beens.

November 12 - Thankful

I had another post written but I will save that for tomorrow. 

I just received the best most precious present I ever received.  Alyssa mailed me pictures of herself growing up.  The last picture her aparents sent me she was when alyssa was about 4 and then Alyssa sent me current pictures of herself from the time she was about 15/16 and beyond when we were in contact through letters only.  So I have about 10/12 years of no pictures and having no idea what she looked like for all of those years. 

It means so much to me that she cares and loves me enough to send those pictures.  I am beyond thankful right now to finally see what my daughter looked like growing up.  She was a mix of both her dad and I.  She got the best from both of us. I am just so thankful I can't even express my grattitude.

November 11 - waiting on a woman

I sit here and wait for my Alyssa to call me.  We talk several times a day, but I never call her.  She always calls me when she is driving.  Why don't I call her?  I feel like I am invading her privacy if I call.  I feel as if I'm not worthy to call her.  What if her amom gets mad if she sees that I am calling.  After all natural moms were supposed to disappear into nothingness and I am still here.  I'm still the reminder that Alyssa was never fully her daughter, that she has 2 moms.  I'm the reminder of Alyssa's amom's infertilities. I don't want Alyssa to feel pulled between her to worlds so I sit and wait.  Always trying to be patient and understanding.  Wait to know how she is doing today, what her plans are, what she wants for her future, when she gets to see Owen.  I just wait for my phone to ring.  I answer it no matter what time it is 5:30am or 2pm, 10pm or 2am.  I keep it beside me on my night stand when I sleep.   I long for those calls.  I long to hear her voice.  I long to know her thoughts and feelings. I long to know how she sees her future.

I'm still afraid that each call will be the last.  After all how can she forgive me for abandoning her to strangers.  Strangers that love her but never fully understand her.  Strangers that don't understand how she ticks and why she does things the way she does.  Strangers that are not her people, her relatives, her tribe.  Strangers that took her "as if born to", but she wasn't.  She was born to me and her nfather Rob, She is a Pierce and Anderson.

On November 15th,  2009 Alyssa contacted me through face book.  This was the first contact that was not through an agency, that read everything we wrote to each other.  Our private thoughts and love read over by an agency, Alyssa's counselor, or parents and then finally if it was deemed worthy then Alyssa.  They had to make sure we wouldn't give out too much information, too much truth about how much we missed each other.  We weren't allowed to tell each other how much this adoption process hurt both of us.  Me as a parent who made the decision and her as an innocent victim of adoption.  We started off slowly almost a year ago by just IM through face book for a week and then texting until January.  I received the first phone call in January, the first time I heard my first born's voice.  Then  meeting in person in February. Since February we have seen each other every 6 weeks or so.  We mostly texted but talked a few times a week until she had Owen.  Since she has had Owen we talk daily up to 4 times a day.  We talk about everything and nothing.

So I keep myself busy and my phone always besides me waiting to hear from my oldest child.

November 10 - Is adoption ever ok? Yes when a child is in need of parents

You might think I am absolutely against adoption.  I am not, under all circumstances.  If you have a mother that decides to place her child even though she has full support to raise her child then adoption is fine.  There is no coercion, it is an adult making a decision.  If a child is in foster care and their is no chance of reunification then adoption is okay. After all it is about a child needing parents not about parents needing a child.  If a child is orphaned and has no living relatives that can raise him then adoption is okay.

But PAP matching is absolutely unacceptable.  There is one thing to choose the parents and meet them and tell them you are looking into adoption but totally different for them to come to the appointment and ultrasound and be there at the birth.  That puts too much pressure on the mother.  How does she decide against the adoption last minute if the PAP are there?  How does she hurt them and tell them that especially if they have become "friends"?  How does the mother even get time alone with her child with the PAP coming in and out of the room with their friends and family?

I have seen and know of several very acceptable adoptions.  I have a friend who does foster care to adopt.  She has had several kids in her care who were in need of long term care.  Some of the kids were able to be placed back with their parents.  Yes it was hard on my friend after caring for these kids for 6 months or longer but it is about what is best for the child.  She started fostering a newborn.  This newborn was born with drugs in her system, the mom was homeless, and the mom walked out of the hospital without her daughter with no forwarding information.  In this case was adopting the child OK? Absolutely, because it is about the needs of the child, not the needs of the PAP. 

Next is my husbands grandmother she had 3 kids of her own and was a foster parent in the '60's.  She had no intent on ever adopting.  At one point she had a baby at 6 months old and when he was 2 and a half he was still with her.  There was no hope of reunification with the mother or father of this child.  They had raised him and they were the only parents he knew so they adopted him when he was around 3 years old.  Did they know his natural parents names.  Absolutely, they even offered to help him look for his natural parents when he was 13.  He wasn't ready, he didn't want to look for them at that point.  They never covered up any facts for him, yes he did have an ABC but they never lied to him about who his parents were and they were even in support of him finding his natural parents when he was barely a teenager.  Why would they do that?  Why when they had raised him?  Because adoption is about the child and not the parents. This couple even in the 1970's realized that.

How do we get around ABC?  How about having guardianship instead of adoption until we fix the laws.  That works in families all of the time.  Even in my family this has happened.  My sister had her son when she was 16.  By the time my nephew was 3 my sister had divorced her husband (my nephews step dad).   She had lived with my parents but for her own reasons decided she couldn't parent her son.  So my parents took over the parenting of their grandson.  They did not adopt him.  He still has his OBC, he still can see his mom and his dad.  He has not lost his culture, his people, his family, he knows where he fits in.  He can asks questions and know the stories of HIS ancestors.

One of my friends has a sister who could no longer parent her 3 kids due to mental problems.  At the time the kids were about ages 5, 3, and newborn.  Now they could have adopted out the baby after all he was marketable on the adoption market but he did have breathing problems.  The other 2 kids were autistic.  So you have my friend who had no children of her own all of the sudden become a parent to 2 autistic preschoolers and one baby that they had to give breathing treatments to every few hours around the clock.  Did I also tell you that she was only living in a 1 bedroom apartment?  Yes the easy decision was to adopt them out to someone who was better prepared to parent them.  But my friend understood that these 3 kids, her niece and nephews, would lose alot  more than they would gain through adoption.  They would not only lose their parents but their siblings also.  Now these kids are 16, 14, and 11.  They do not call their aunt anything but Nina, they call their uncle Unc, and their grandparents they call papa and grandma.   It is very simple.  They haven't seen their mother in years but they know who she is they have seen pictures of her.  They know where they get there looks from.  They know where they get their personality from.  They know where they fit into the family.  They are told about all of their mom's good qualities, they are told stories of her growing up and how she loves them but she is too sick to take care of them.   My friend has guardianship of these kids only.  They lost nothing but just gained an aunt, uncle, and grandparent that put their needs aside to take care and raise these 3 children.

November 9 - My PHD in adoption or my life in adoption

When Alyssa hit about 14/15 I decided I needed to do something about my grief and learn more about adoption.  I never heard of any other nmoms feeling the way I did towards my daughter that I hadn't seen in years.  I never heard of other moms continue to love their children and want to know them..  I never heard of moms still grieving years later.  The media and Hollywood portrays birthmoms as crazy, psycho, serial killer, drug addicts, prostitutes, or saints.  I wasn't any of those things.  I did have sex before I got married and more than one time.  But so has 99.99% of all of my friends.  I have never done drugs, been to jail, or locked up in the loony bin. 

Where do I fall into adoption land?  I wanted to know that question.  I also wanted to know what it is like to adopt, I wanted to know what it was like to be adopted, I wanted to know do other nmoms feel like me.  I have always loved to read.  I started reading books at first from the church book store.  They don't have many on adoption but they have alot on how to adopt.  I didn't care about how to adopt.  I'm way past that point.  I wanted to know about the aftermath of adoption.  I even went to LDSFS and asked the counselor for books about adoption and how it affects the adoptee.  He had told me he didn't know of any.

I signed up to groups on yahoo and google for birthmoms, search groups, and just plain old adoption triad groups.  I found out alot on adoption and how the adoptee feels.  Not all of it was great.   Even adoptees from great families had issues.  Wow, I never knew that.  I seriously never knew that at all. I know adoptees in my personal life but that was not something anyone ever shared with me.  I started getting books recommended from online friends.  I read 6 to 10 books a year on adoption.  I read up on Georgia Tann and the beginnings of modern US adoption.  I've read about the current rules for European Nations on adoption.  I read about what it is like to be adopted.   I read a books about what adoptees want their adoptive parents to know.  I read about reunions.  I've read about what it is like to raise an adopted child. So for the last almost 4 years I have been doing this.  I still do this,  I'm reading 2 books right now.  I feel like I'm getting a PHD on adoption.

Why you might wonder?  Why would I torture myself like this.  First of all my daughter that I placed  for adoption is obviously adopted.  I need to be the best parent for her.  I know she has adopted parents too.  But I needed to know of any issues or concern before she was ready to talk, so I could better understand her.  Isn't that what all good parents do?  We look into our kids problems and find ways to help them.   I wanted to know what it has been like for her adoptive parents.  I wanted to know if my feelings were normal.

I have read about some amazing Aparents who welcome their child's Nparents with open arms.  Not only welcome the Nparents but helped search for them.  Aparents who  are exceptionally gracious and loving.  Who understand that there will always be a bond between Nmother and child.  The best thing for a child, even adult child is to build that bond.  It doesn't take away from the bond between the child and Aparents but brings more love and acceptance into the adoptees life.  Aparents who aren't jealous of Nparents.  That is what I had hoped my daughters aparents were like.  I assumed they were like that.  After all they had written me for 11 years, they were good Christians, they went to church every Sunday, and went to the temple.  They loved her unconditionally. 

As I started to get into adoption blogland I found alot of sugar happy adoption blogs.  Mostly from Aparents but a few Nmothers too.  I don't dissuade those feelings of other Nmoms, because I was like that too at one point.  I know that is how they feel right now. I was even asked to sit on a birthmom board.  I had been on the sugar high. That is okay because it is much easier to live in the sugar happy place then come down for that sugar high and look at all the demons. Look at the things wrong with adoption and make them right.   How do you fight a billion dollar industry?  Not only look at the demons but that you help create that in your adult child.  You are the one that placed your baby for adoption you are the ones that gave your child separation anxiety.  You gave your child abandonment issues.  That is an incredibly hard pill to swallow.  I have had so many tears over that.  Especially when my daughter told me a few months after reunion that she has abandonment issues.   I know that was my fault, even if I didn't know that would happen when I placed her.  It was still my actions that hurt my daughter, my first born. 

I understand also the Amoms happy blogs after all they got their child out of the deal.  Their child will learn to love them.  They will be the only real mom their child knows.  God helped in getting their child after all.  It couldn't be money greasing the wheel help get their child.  To actually say yes we paid for our child and put someone else through immense grief for the rest of their lives.  Yes that is what God wants.  That would be too hard to say.  So they just say God helped me "get" my baby.  Ohhh my favorite term for adopt is "get  a baby".  Yes god took a sacred love between a mother and child and tore it apart so another women could raise that child.  And then God took a birth certificate, sealed it, and reissued another birth certificate, a false birth certificate, a lie.  Yes God has his hand in all of that.  No my God that I have worshipped does not do that.  People do that.  People playing God do those things.

Was the reunion between my daughter and I as I imagined?  No, not at all,  it was better, we are closer than I could have imagined, we talk several times a day, and we completely understand each other.  She is smart, beautiful, caring, generous, hard working, funny, I can laugh and cry with her.  We just get each other.   We can read each other and almost know what the other is thinking.

What about her aparents?  No they still aren't ready for me to be in her life.  I have picked up Alyssa from her aparents house when her amom was home and her amom wouldn't even come to the door to meet me.  Yes she knew it was me at the door, but she wasn't ready to meet me.  I guess that is her insecurities, but it still hurts.  I gave them my daughter to raise and 18 years later they can't meet me in person and hold a conversation.

One more blessing of adoption.

November 8 - my next 2 babies

About a year and a half after I had Alex we wanted another baby. It wasn't long before I was pregnant. Seems I don't have a problem getting pregnant. This was my 3rd pregnancy and first one planned. I started having problems with the pregnancy even before I even found out I was pregnant. My doctor at my first appointment said "this pregnancy doesn't look viable". Wow I was crushed but I was still pregnant so I was going to do whatever was humanly possible to stay pregnant. I had a lot of spotting and cramping through out the whole pregnancy. Tons of doctor appointments too. I couldn't cook, clean, or even lift up Alex. Kenny turned out totally fine. He was born August 28, 1996. I had 2 and a half hours of labor and he was born weighing 8 pounds 6 ounces.

As Kenny got his personality I realized he was strong, defiant, stubborn, playful, but had the most tender heart.

After placing my daughter for adoption and then having 2 boys I just assumed I wasn't meant to raise a daughter. People would ask if we were gonna try to have a daughter. They didn't know I had already placed my daughter just 4 and a half years earlier. I always answered that my body could only produce boys, I couldn't have girls. It too hurt to much to tell the truth.

When Kenny was almost a year we decided we were going to wait until he was about 5 years old and then have 2 more kids. I like the idea of kids being close together in age.

Well about 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. I was not happy, this was not a blessing. I cried and they were not happy tears. I had not lost any of my pregnancy weight. I had 4 pregnancies in 6 years, that was way too much on my body. I couldn't handle another high risk pregnancy either. I would have this baby a month after I turned 23. I was due May 8th, 1996.

The first ultrasound came back and said I was having a girl. I absolutely did not believe it. I couldn't have a girl, a daughter. I couldn't deal with the implications of getting a second chance with a daughter. This pregnancy was actually easy, i did not bleed at all through it, I had braxton hicks towards the end but no cramping through out the whole pregnancy. I definitely had the 5 months of morning sickness but I was used to dealing with that.

I was induced on April 27, 1996. I had 2 hours of labor and when I realized it was time for her to be born I wanted to jump off the bed. Giving birth and especially to a daughter terrified me. She was born almost 2 weeks early and she weighed 7 and a half pounds. I held her and just loved her. I know this sounds weird but having her healed a part of me but also made me realize that I could have raised my daughter. I would never have taken Alyssa away from the parents she knew at 6 years old but that didn't mean I didn't want to know more about her.

I know I have given Cassie extra attention and love to try to make up for what I missed out with Alyssa .I feel as if I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could parent my daughter and do a good job.
I come from a family of workaholics and over achievers in the business world. But I personally don't care about my job. I work so i have enough to provide for my kids. The only thing important is that my kids feel loved and cared for. After leaving Alyssa this past May when she graduated high school, my sister Shana and I were headed to the airport and she said you know you are the best mom out of all of us girls. I just looked at her and said I had to be I had to make up for placing my daughter. I had to prove to everyone that I am a good mom. If I wasn't nothing else would matter.

My Alex my second blessing

So I was 7 months pregnant and just told that my baby was not growing right.  I followed doctors orders and on May 3rd at about 9:30pm I started into labor.  I knew my labor would be incredibly long, after all with Alyssa just 2 years before I had 65 hours of labor.  I was hoping for only 48 hours of labor.  The only difference between the 2 was I was keeping Alex and I knew I was placing Alyssa.  I knew as soon as I had her, my time with her would be over.  I could no longer be her mom and I didn't know where she was going.  I had not even met the people that were going to adopt her.  But she would be better of than with a 16 year old single mom that had 3 months of high school left.

5 hours after I started into labor I had an 8 pound 8 ounce baby boy.  He wasn't small at all like my doctor thought.  He was actually perfect in every way.  I had gained 20 pounds in 2 months but it was well worth it. I didn't want him out of my site.  I know this is crazy but I was so afraid someone would either trade him with another baby or something would happen to him if I wasn't there beside him.

Wedding November 26 and second pregnancy

My sister and me she was my made of honor.  Her other arm had a cast on it and she was trying to pinch my butt.

So we had to call my brothers and sisters let them know I'm getting married ASAP, we called my aunt that lived about 6 hours away and we called my grandparents who couldn't come.  We called Jer's brothers, his one brother was studying for a major test in college.  After we called he was so shocked he stopped studying. Jer's parents called his aunts and uncles.  Jer's dad has 7 siblings, yes they are Catholic.  I didn't know what his aunts and uncles were told. 

We decided to get married the day after Thanksgiving.  I found the dress and my mom made my bouquet with silk flowers on a lace fan.  It turned out beautiful, but my mom finished my bouquet about 3am the night before the wedding.  My sister Laurel was my made of honor and Jer's brother was his best man.

My family called Jeremy,  troll,  because he had the craziest hair.  My dad compared him to the troll dolls with the jewelry in the belly button.  My family should have scared every guy off.  It was so bad that my nieces would call Jer, uncle troll.  Yes we are relentless when it comes to teasing.  I still don't know why he didn't run away years ago.

Well tucked into my bouquet my mom put in gummy trolls.  You couldn't tell as I walked down the aisle but they were in there hidden in the flowers.  What a sense of humor, right.  You know at everyones first weding that is where you should be making jokes.   I was annoyed at the time but now it is hillarious, I have quite a story to tell.

We didn't have any friends at the wedding just family and there were about 40 people.  We did the reception at the beginning of January.  The wedding was perfect for me it was small and about us getting married not about having the favors, food, and all the craziness.  In almost 3 weeks from today we will be married 17 years so it worked out well for us.

When I was about 22 weeks pregnant I started to have problems.  I woke up one morning to more than just spotting.  I went into the doctor and they couldn't find any problems.  I took it easy for a week no heavy lifting and I thought everything was fine.  For the rest of the pregnancy I had spotting and cramping.  I was constantly going into the doctor for problems.  At 7 months after another sonogram I was told that my baby wasn't growing right.  He was very small for his gestation.  I was put on a high calorie diet.  I was terrified I didn't want to lose this baby too.  I would gain as much weight as needed if it meant I had a healthy baby.

great husband

I just had to put up a quick post.  I have such an amazing husband.  Alyssa bought a used laptop last week and she couldn't get the internet to work.  We are 800 miles apart and we can't  just take over and set up the internet for her.  I couldn't figure out how to talk her through it over the phone.  So he is  now patiently walking her through how to set up internet on her lap top.  He is so patient.

You know what else is amazing is he thinks of my daughter as his own.  When anyone asks how many kids we have he now just says 4, no explanation, just "We have 4 kids".  No we did not raise her, but he loves her as if he was her natural dad.  Can I possibly ask for a better man?  Besides can a person have too many people that love them and would do anything for them?

I love you so much honey!!! I made a great decision 17 years ago.

November 5 - Meeting Jeremy and getting married - April to November 1993

Let's go back in time to April 1993. I was living with my sister Anita in Anaheim but Shana came to visit and was heading back to San Jose. I missed my parents so I hitched a ride with Shana back home.
My little sister Laurel was still in high school so I went with her one day to her drama class. There was a guy there that had graduated the year before. We started talking and just clicked. He had dark blond super curly hair, tanned skin, and blue eyes. Jer and I immediately went on our first date to see Aladdin.
After the movie we went out to McDonald's and just talked. He was caring, smart, articulate, a little stubborn, and so cute. I told him about my daughter Alyssa and she was 13 months old. I left out the small part that I placed her for adoption. For some reason saying I placed my daughter for adoption was so hard to say.

We couldn't be separated when he wasn't at school or working we were together. I moved back to San Jose, that was an easy decision. After I think about 2 dates he had dropped me off at my house. I invited him in and introduced him to my crazy family. Believe me 6 brothers and sisters, 2 brother-in-laws and 5 nieces and nephews could scare anyone off. I walked him out to his car after meeting everyone and he wasn't terrified. The only question he asked was where is your daughter? I told him I placed her for adoption. He looked at me with compassion and said I'm so sorry, I wanted to meet her. I melted right then. He passed a major test of mine.

He didn't pass my parents test yet because I was LDS and he was Catholic. I wasn't supposed to marry outside of my church. I was always told marrying anyone from a different religion would be so hard on the marriage. But I was falling for this man and I couldn't stop myself.  I had never dated someone so caring and kind.

Fast forward to September 1993, we were inseparable I had started my first semester of college and just got a job working as a secretary for an accountant. I also found myself pregnant.
I went to planned parenthood to get the pregnancy test done and it came out positive. I was excited, scared but excited. Jer looked at me when I told him I was pregnant and asked why I was smiling. I couldn't explain it but I felt at peace and knew I would make it through this and have a child.

I was 18, pregnant for the second time, and never been married. I was no better off than the first time I was pregnant. I knew 2 things, the first was I was not even going to walk into LDSFS and I would find a way to keep this child. I wasn't sure if I would get married or not but I wouldn't place this child is all I knew. I would fight for him. I knew I couldn't live through another adoption, I am not that strong.

We continued dating I went to my doctors and everything looked fine with this pregnancy. Morning sickness was a bitch. Throwing up every morning sucked. I didn't tell my parents I was pregnant yet, but luckily my mom was a workaholic and wasn't around much. I didn't gain weight at all, I actually lost. I was 16 weeks along and had the first ultrasound done, I was having a boy. We still hadn't told either of our parents. I was scared of my parents reaction.

I think it was the night after the ultrasound we told Jer's mom. She was sitting at the computer playing solitaire and Jer said I have something to show you, mom. She said what did you get a speeding ticket? Um no and he handed her the ultrasound This was about November 15th, I was due May 5th.

She had the best reaction ever. She looked at us and held Jer first and then brought me into it. She said you know before we got married we had a pregnancy scare also. It will be alright. Just like that she accepted it without judgement only love for her son and I. She told Jeremy's dad.

We talked for a while longer just her and I. I told her about Alyssa, she automatically accepted that too. We threw a lot at her that night.

Jeremy's parents wanted to meet with my parents. The next day we told my parents I was expecting. I was terrified, I've messed up twice, I felt like I was an embarrassment. My parents just took it but what could they say. As I was leaving I told my mom that Jer's mom knew about Alyssa. My mom's reaction was," isn't that a bit whorish?" What could I even say to that?

That Sunday after church my parents and I drove over to Jer's parents house. My mom asked what do they want to talk to us about? I wasn't sure, and I told her that. My mom who usually is pretty cool said, "They probably want to talk to us about our daughter being a whore." Wow, yeah thanks for that.

We all sat down together and talked. We talked about if we should get married, Jer and I definitely wanted too. So the next question was when. We talked about before the baby was born, or maybe wait til after, Jer's dad jokingly said hey we are all going to be in Tahoe this weekend why don't you just do it then? Jer and I went in a room alone together. Decisions decisions decisions.

We decided why wait to get married? Really it won't change how we feel about each other if we have 2 people at the wedding or 200 people.

We went out and told both of our families. We shocked them, again. We had to find a place to get married in Tahoe, we had to tell all of our families, and I had to get a dress. All this had to be done within 3 days. We were leaving Wednesday night for Tahoe so really 72 hours to put this together. I look back now and laugh at it.

Next blog will be our wedding