I could never do that

I was talking to Alyssa a few months ago.  She was saying how her upstairs neighbor saw pictures of Owen and commented that she could never give away her children.  This is a woman that smokes pot while her toddlers are in the same room as her, a woman that would do other harder drugs in front of her babies.  This woman has 2 children.  I have heard this sentiment many times myself. Yes those words hurt, especially coming from people who do not try to understand but pass judgement.  When this comes from mothers that are not putting their children's needs in their own wants that really hurts us. 

The other thing that I have noticed from many natural moms is so often they are the women that have such high potential as mothers.  Woman that I see are the most amazing mothers to their raised kids.  These mothers raise the bar for the rest of us.  Woman that would sacrifice themselves for the best interest of their child.  Or what they are convinced is the best thing for their baby.  The women that are so careful during pregnancy that they worry about everything they put in their body.  They do this because they love their child and want the best start for their child.  agencies.  We have all seen those advertisements "Are you scared, single, and pregnant? We can help" Every single mother married or not is scared as a parent.  Even if you have other children each pregnancy is scary.  You wonder how you are going to juggle everything.  How are you going to be the best mom for each child.  Will your other children feel less loved because of the new baby.  What dynamics will be brought into the family?  Can you really afford another child? 

I have also noticed for me and many other natural moms that what we expect from adoptive parents is a very high standard too.  When they do not meet those standards as parents to our children we are deeply hurt and it comes out as anger.  I am talking more than meeting the basic needs of our children but being exceptional parents and meeting our children's emotional needs too.  

My third child was my only planned pregnancy.  I was on "light bed rest" mot of the pregnancy.  I was excited for my child to be born but scared as hell too.  I had not raised 2 children at the same time.  How was I going to do everything for both children.  How could I as a mother meet all of their needs? Can we really afford 2 children.  Well no we could not live like the Jones' and afford 2 kids at all.  We had to cut back on every extra expense.  We had to be very careful what we bought.  And of course it went through my head would my first born hate it that I had more children?  Would she be hurt and upset when she found out and processed it?

You do take into account how will the next child affect your other children.  Will you have enough time and energy for all of them?  For me the money part isn't as important and the time the kids need from me.  Money can come and go but it does not make great parents. 

Why do people say "I couldn't give away my child"?  For one I think they honestly can't imagine it at all.  It is hard to put yourself in that woman's shoes that gave her child away.  It is hard to find empathy within ourselves.  For most of society it is unthinkable.  I often wonder do they realize they way their words hurt?

Related by birth

I just saw "Related by Birth", it was very good but a bit emotional.  Make sure you have a box of kleenex by you.

If you'd like to screen "Related by Birth" there will be open access to the pre-release version of the movie from now until Sunday evening. Please feel free to pass along to friends you think would be interested. And Related By Birth would love to hear all feedback. Thank you.

http://www.rbbpreview.com/
face book site http://www.facebook.com/relatedbybirth?ref=ts

Pics from the Alyssa's trip to California

Alyssa and Owen

 Alyssa and Ian in San Francisco

 Ian Alyssa Jer and I in San Francisco

 Alyssa and me in San Francisco

 Alyssa and I walking the beach at Pigeon Point

 Alyssa walking in Santa Cruz

 Kenny and Alyssa in a hat shop in San Francisco

 Alyssa and Cassie making silly faces

The kids in San Francisco

Personalities and Hereditary

Growing up my mom very rarely wore make up, until she moved to Utah I would do her make up for her if she wanted to wear any.  My mom usually kept her hair short, and never colored it.  For work she dressed nice but if she wasn't working she dressed very casual.  On Saturdays if she didn't have to go anywhere she would stay in pajamas most of the day.  My mom has always been pretty big boned too.  Her wedding ring is a size 8 and my wedding ring is a size 5.5.  My mom has to add links to her watch to get them to fit wear as often tomes watches are big on my wrist.  My mom even made me a bracelet watch for my birthday.  She measured my wrist to get the exact size.  After she made it she commented that she thought she mis-measured because no adult woman could possibly have that small of a wrist.  The watch fit perfectly. 
I on the other hand have colored my hair every 6 to 8 weeks for the last 7 years. I do not have grey hair at all but I was bored being a natural blond and wanted to cross over to the wild side of dark hair. I always wear make up even to run to walmart or go to the beach.  I wear 4 inch heels on a daily basis even with jeans and a t-shirt.  I usually am dressed up a bit even on the weekends.  I do not do the mani-pedi thing though.  I have never got a professional massage in my life.  I adore the 1950's style with pencil skirt and sweater sets, the sexy secretary look.  Even when I wear shorts I have on heels and a blouse.

I was talking to my dad last Friday and he was frustrated a bit with my 90 year old grandma (my mom's mom).  She had to get a new hearing aid but refused to have the appointment before her hair appointment on Thursday morning.  He couldn't understand why my grandmother would put off going to her doctors just because her hair wasn't done.  I totally got it.  I understood where she was coming from 100%.  I probably would do the same thing if I was her.  I have this thing where you always try to look your best all the time.  Neither him or my mom could understood her but I could.  I was not raised around my grandma.  The most I saw her was once a year for two weeks.  She was not a big influence on my life at all.  But some how her attitude and dressstyle was passed down to me but skipped my mom.

Alyssa comes in my life and while we were writing when she was 15 we found out we had a lot in common.  Both of us were obsessed with hair and make up.  Alyssa even wanted to go to cosmetology school like I had wanted to at her age.  We even wore the same colors of make up at the same time, burgundy eyeshadow with black eye liner and blackest black mascara.  Alyssa is also hugely into the 1950's style.  We are now the exact same clothes size and our shoes are only about a half size different.  Alyssa has inherited a whole new closet when she comes to visit me.  We have both been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years too.  It has been interesting to say the least to see how much has been inherited personality wise.

I do have to say sometimes it throws me to see her and see someone that has my body.  She has made the same comment about Cassie and myself.  A couple of months ago Alyssa was noticing that Cassie and her stomach were identical.  They are both thin, thin enough to see their rib cage and hip bones but neither have any muscle definition in their abs.  All 3 of us have very long legs but short torsos.  You can tell that Alyssa looks like she belongs with our family.  She looks like us, and acts like us, she blends in so well.  I just never expected it.  I was obviously very naive before reunion.

Sunday March 13

Last Sunday Alyssa and Ian got up early and packed their things.  They were going to spilt up the 12 hour drive into 2 days.  We figured it usually takes 5 hours to go to Reno.  We knew they would need to leave by 2 but we wanted to bring Ian to see a lighthouse.  He had mentioned earlier in the week that he loved light houses.  We drove about an hour or 2 out to Pigeon point light house.  I had been once before and had enjoyed it.  It is very secluded and relaxing. 

We drove to the light house and went in where they had the history of the light house.  We walked around the outside and the waves were just amazing.  The rocks that jutted out from the water had sea lions on them.  It was gorgeous.  They have a small gift shop and we were talking to the lady that works there.  We found out that just to the left of the light house there were stairs that lead down to a beautiful secluded beach.  

Of course we had to explore this.  It was a cool windy day so no one was around at all but the seven of us.   We found on this beach a ton of sea shells, a tide pool, star fish, sea anemone, sea cucumber, muscles, and tons of rocks to climb.  We explored this small beach for an hour.  We decided to then go to a great dive bar/diner for lunch.  It was called  Whale city Bakery Bar and Grill.   For us it was a little bit expensive but they have big proportions and great food.  We finished eating right about 2.  Alyssa headed to there hotel in Reno and we headed home.  We said good bye at the restaurant.  No tears just lots of hugs, I still wasn't ready for them to leave but it no longer tears out my heart so badly.  Good bye seems to be easier because we are both more secure in our relationship.  We know it won't be long til we see each other again.  We talk every day and text a lot through out the day.  Our family doesn't feel totally complete when she isn't with us but we know where we belong in each others lives.  That has helped all of us a lot. 

We have had many deep talks.  She can understand why she was placed and I have understood the heartache for her to be adopted and not grow up in her family of origin. We have learned and grown because of each other.  My whole family has accepted and welcomed her because she is and always has been part of our family.  We have waited so many years to have her in our life.  Some of the hurt will always be there but there is forgiveness too. 

Saturday March 12

Saturday morning Alyssa, Jer and I went to Best Buy to get Alyssa a new phone.  She wanted a new phone number that her ex didn't have.  She also wanted a Blackberry.  As we looked around the sales associate asked if we needed help.  Jer just said "My daughter is looking at getting a new phone"  Alyssa and I just looked at each other. He doesn't have to claim her.  He did not raise her and did not meet her until a year ago.  He did start writing her letters about the time she was 16.  It was the sweetest thing.  I know Alyssa felt like she was accepted and loved.  She did end up getting a new phone, of course a hot pink one.

My friends were having a party at their house in the afternoon.  These friends have a get together at least once a month.  They just make excuses to have people over.  This weekends they were having a "Bring your own John"  Basically they have a lot of friends named John so everyone was supposed to bring a friend named John.  I know silly party but we love to get together with everyone.  I didn't have any friends named John that could go so we took the "bring your own john" meaning differently.  We decided to dress Ian  as a pimp and Alyssa and I wore mini skirts and i wore my hooter tank top.  I know our sense of humor is really off.  But we thought it was funny and we asked my friend if it would be okay.  I didn't want to offend anyone.

We had dinner and most people were drinking wine, personally I don't drink wine so we just hung out and talked.  There were kids there from age 2 to 19 and adults of all ages.  About 7:30 my kids wanted to go home but we weren't quite ready.  Alyssa and Ian offered to drive home since we brought 2 cars.  Wow that was really nice I'm not used to having another driver.  So Jer and I stayed for about 2 hours more.  The kids got some time alone without us parents.  I know my raised kids do enjoy time alone with their big sister.  I think it is important that they build their relationship without me involved. 

We finally got back home about 9:30 and hung out and talked.  We knew they would be heading back to Utah the next day and we all just wanted more time together.  Even a week together isn't enough time for any of us. 

My friend and I at the "Bring your own John Party"

Alyssa and Ian at the "bring your own John party"

Friday March 11

Last Friday was a lot of fun.  I only worked until noon so we had most of the day together.  Alyssa had wanted to get a new tattoo during the day so early in the week she set up an appointment for Friday.  She had a do-it-yourself tattoo on each hip one was an "x" and the other hip had an"o".  I think she did these when she was about 15.  She also has a small heart on one wrist (another do it yourself).  She has wanted to cover up her hip X and O tattoos with a nicer tattoo for a while now.  Ian also wanted to get a tattoo done. She has saved up her money so she can do this.  She didn't want to get a meaningless tattoo that she wouldn't like in a few years.

 My friend has an ex boyfriend who is a professional tattoo artist.  My thinking is if you are going to get inked, go to a professional that you have seen their art work.  Ian already had 6 or 7 tattoos.  Alyssa has one professional tattoo already.  Alyssa wanted to get Owens hand print and footprint on her hips as a cover up of the X and O.  The hip can be very painful because you are tattooing directly on the bone.  Alyssa has no extra fat there either.   Sean - the tattoo artist did a great job and finished within about an hour.  Alyssa is also very ticklish and just to the side of the hipbone the tattoo started tickling as he used the tattoo gun.  I held Alyssa's hand and Ian held her feet so she would move as little as possible.

Ian wanted his parents signature tattooed on him also.  We were done by 4:30 or 5 with the tattoos.  I did not get any tattoos done on myself.  Jeremy set up a  together a small party with a few friends and some of our immediate family for that evening after work. We headed over to the get together. I think there was about 30 people there and only about half of my family showed up.  We hung out and Alyssa got to meet some of my friends. My friends heard all about Alyssa but they never met her.

Alex's girlfriend even came over until about 11.  She is very rarely allowed to go to any friends house at all, so she was super excited. She adores Alyssa and wants to hang out anytime Alyssa is in town. Kenny found his Uncle's old Sega Genesis in the attic and started playing the "old school" video games.  Kenny and Ian also found an old laser tag set from the late eighties to early nineties in the attic.  They had to go around the house shooting each other and playing hide and go seek.   Those guys are so much alike it is not even funny.  Kenny really looks up to Ian.  Overall we had an amazing day.    The last of our friends and family left around midnight.  Wow another late  night.  We were absolutely exhausted and I was so glad we did not have work or school the next morning.

Thursday March 10

My husband goes to Monterey at least once a week for work.  We had access to 2 passes to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Jeremy drove Ian and Alyssa down to the aquarium and Jer finished up his work in that area.  I think they had 3 or 4 hours at the aquarium and Cannery Row alone and then Jer picked them up and headed back home with them.  If you are ever in Monterey you have to see the aquarium.  It has everything from sardines, jellyfish, sea horses, sharks, sting rays, and sun fish.  It is fun for babies to grandparents. We used to go several times a year when the kids were little but now we only go about once a year.  If you like clam chowder in a sourdough bowl they have the most amazing chowder right on the wharf.  I knew they would have a great time together in Monterey.  It is always fun discovering a new town together.  They both love the beach, so how could they not have a blast.

They came home by 3 and after I picked up the other kids from school we went over to see Jer's parents.  Jeremy's mom made us home made white sauced enchiladas.  She can cook so well.  We also had refried beans(not out of the can) and Mexican rice.  Kenny decided we needed to get out the bubbly (Martinelli's apple cider).  We sat around talked and just relaxed.  For dessert Cassie and I made an apple cake.  By the time we finished eating we were all so stuffed we could barely move.

We couldn't have asked for a better evening.  My in-laws have been totally accepting of Alyssa.  They might not understand adoption totally but they have accepted Alyssa as my daughter.  They do come from a totally different generation.  They are from the generation where once you place your child for adoption the child should be forgotten.  For them to come around to accept Alyssa is huge.  My father-in-law isn't very emotional but he does always give Alyssa a hug when she leaves.

Answer to a Question

I thought it would be easiest to answer this as a post here

"I am curious about how you reunited with your daughter and how long it took for
you to have the close relationship that you do. Is there a spot on your blog
that you can tell me to read about to catch up on your story?"

The adoption was what I considered semi closed. I never met the adoptive parents, all I had to go by was a sheet of paper that described the couple and their interest.  All correspondence went through the agency.  No identifying information was passed between either party for the first 16 years.  My daughter wrote me for the first time when she was 15.  Before this all I ever received was letters from the amom, yearly.  4 years I went without any correspondences at all.  I received one letter when Alyssa was 11 and nothing until she was 15.  Alyssa and I started writing at first every few months starting when she was about 15.  It wasn't long before she asked me to write her every week.  All letters still went through the agency with no identifying information shared. 

Alyssa sent me a small scrapbook and in it was a post it note that the agency did not see.   This post it note contained her adoptive name and her adoptive mom's name.  I received this a few months before Alyssa turned 17.  To say I was on cloud 9 was an understatement.  It took me almost 6 months to send a letter directly to the adoptive parents.  I just wanted to meet them in person but that was declined. 

I finally met Alyssa only a year ago.  I met her on her 18th birthday.  I do not have any idea why we are so close and other natural moms are not. It might have helped that neither of us went in with any expectations.  I accepted her for who she was, and she did the same with me.  We are so much alike we have been able to read each other easily since the day we met.  I have seen where she needed help and supported her without judgements.  I know that is what she has needed most.  From what I have seen she loves her aparents but they are not close, they love her for who they want her to be not the person who she is. 

I think they way we talk to her is very different.  If there is something important to discuss I only talk to her in person, where her aparents will only text her.  This is my opinion only.  Alyssa's amom would have been a great mom to her own children but Alyssa is hard wired so differently than her aparents that the relationship has aways been a bit rough.  I absolutely believe they love her as much as they can.

As Alyssa has met our family she has seen people that are just like her not only in looks but in personality too.  Alyssa has always been the black sheep of her adoptive family.  For her to find where she belongs has pulled her closer to me and our family.

Wednesday March 9

Alyssa wanted to meet a friend in San Mateo that she hadn't seen in 2 years.  Her friend used to live in Utah but since moved out to California.  It was nice for me because I could work a bit longer too.  We planned to meet in San Francisco that evening.  Alyssa loves San Francisco.  It is such a different lifestyle than she is used to.She grew up in small towns and seclusion while San Francisco is the exact opposite.  We walked around Pier 39, looked at shops, and just relaxed.  The kids goofed off a bit too.  We found a shop that sold all kinds of crazy hats, so all of the kids had to try on a ton of hats. 

I asked Alyssa if she had heard from J.  Yes she did.  J was pissed that Alyssa took down her blogger account.  She said now I can't know what your thoughts are.  Oh no what a tragedy right.  I suggested Alyssa open up her blog that J knows about and just put in happy thoughts.  We all know even when we are going through hard times there are still great things that happen to us.  Our lives are never all good or all bad.  And then she should have a private blog on the side that she can tell her full story at.
I don't know if she is going to take my advice or not.

We found a really good pizza place at Pier 39 called Luigi's.  We had a meatless pizza for the girls and a meat filled pizza for the boys.  We also shared a thing of garlic bread covered in mozzarella cheese. It was so good.  We walked along to the end of the Pier and took some silly pictures. As we walked back to the cars everyone was just laughing.  Ian and Kenny were skipping in a circle around us.  I looked over at Jer and he whispered to me "this just feels right".  Yes it did.  It was as if almost all the stars were lined up in the universe.  Owen was not with us but I am sure one day he will be also. 

We walked over by Boudin's sourdough shop.  Alyssa was leaned over the rail a little bit and a guy walked by and said "Nice bootie"  I laughed and yelled back "Don't talk to my daughter that way"  He looked at me and replied  "I'm sorry I didn't realize that was your daughter, I'm so sorry"  I don't get offended very easy, I wasn't at all offended by this young man.  I actually thought it was pretty funny.  Alyssa just looked at me and laughed.  I love it that we have the sense of humor.  It is so nice to acknowledge in public that Alyssa is my daughter.

We headed back home after this and talked for a few minutes, but it wasn't long before we totally crashed.  Most days we stayed up til midnight or so.  Alyssa would come into my bed and we would just talk.  Nothing important or deep, just about what are plans were the next day and things like that.

After I finish writing about our week together I will be posting pictures.

Tuesday March 8

I knew I had to go to work on Tuesday, I figured it also gave Ian and Alyssa some alone time.  I left for work and they were still sleeping.   I knew I was only going to work short days this week, I just had to make sure all the necessary things were taken care of.  I only worked until about 1pm.  I came back home and Alyssa and Ian had gone back to Santa Cruz.  I was really glad that they got away together.  Alyssa had text me asking if some of the family could come over for dinner.  I started contacting some of my family to come over for dinner.  We were going to have home made tamales, refried beans, and Mexican rice.  I might be white but I can cook some amazing Mexican food, thanks to my mother-in-law. 

About 2 I here Alyssa and Ian, they hadn't left the house until 11 so I was surprised they had came back so fast.  Ian decided that he wanted to come back and enjoy time with the family.  He really wanted me to join them at the beach but there wasn't time for that.  We just hung out while I cooked dinner and waited for everyone to show up.  It is so relaxing to be with them both.

My sister Shana and her family came over and we had a really great time.  About 8:30 while we just sat around and talked Owens amom (J) sent Alyssa a text saying they needed to talk when she got back to Utah.  Alyssa just said that if it was about her blog she was sorry if anything hurt her.  The next text and said they needed to temporarily close the adoption until Alyssa could be happy and deal with the adoption.  They only want Owen to see adoption as a blessing and if Alyssa is ever sad Owen will not see adoption as a blessing. 

J then said that we should have came to the Temple and she didn't understand why we didn't come.  That totally confused us because just 2 messages back was her text saying not to come to the temple meet at the church for the luncheon.  It wasn't like we misunderstood over a phone call but it was written in a text.  J then text Alyssa saying she was upset with me because I had told my parents not to go to the temple.  I asked my niece who knows my moms insecurities and asked if she would have done it differently.  She had said she would have done the exact same thing.  My mom is very uncomfortable in new situations like that and my mom would not had gone with out me.  My mom was having trouble with going even knowing I was there.  Alyssa was pissed off to say the least and totally hurt.  One week after the adoption is final and it is closing.  J had promised Alyssa everything under the sun.  J lives within about 20 minutes of Alyssa too.  They could easily run into each other at a store.

J with Owen and Alyssa

Alyssa closed her blog that night.  It seems to me that J was having a very hard time after the temple.  She had seen how close Alyssa and I were, she also saw that Owen kept trying to go to Alyssa even when J was holding him.  I honestly think that hurt her the most.  Owen hadn't seen Alyssa since December but he still kept reaching for her.  I know J would let Alyssa see Owen if I was out of the picture, I think she fears Owen needing Alyssa the way Alyssa needs me.  I told Alyssa she should just go back to Utah and cut off ties with me, that way she can stay in Owen's life.  I just want her to be able to see Owen and stay in contact with him.   I want her to be able to watch him grow up.  I never want her cut out of his life.  I know J is saying temporary closed adoption because if she says it is closed then she can't adopt another child.  Alyssa told me she would never cut off ties to me, she couldn't do that.  I do know that by the time Owen was 3 months old J started looking into adopting another child.  She is 40 and has almost ran out of time to adopt another child because of her age. 

Alyssa and I stayed up until about midnight, it was a very emotional evening.  We didn't cry but we were still drained.  We were not going to let that ruin our week together. 

Monday March 7

I did not expect to be home until Monday and I already had the day off so I decided to spend the day with Alyssa and Ian.  I wanted to take Ian to Santa Cruz and I knew Alyssa loved that place.  My husband planned on meeting us there for lunch.  There is a great burger place a couple blocks up from the beach called "Betty's Burgers".  Alyssa wanted to bring Ian there, they have the best burgers I have ever had.  Well, I only eat the turkey and veggie burgers but they are amazing.  We walked along the boardwalk and went to the pier.  It was just a perfect day, the sun was out but the wind was blowing pretty well too.  Ian and Alyssa simply loved it. We even were able to see a lot of sea lions. 

Alyssa was dressed up so she did not go down onto the sand but Ian and I did.  We just sat in the sand and watched the waves, simply beautiful and relaxing.  There was no one else on the beach either. 

After lunch Jer and I let Ian and Alyssa have a few minutes alone on the pier.  I told Jer that this would have been perfect to take Owen, a few tears spilled out but I made sure I was put back together before Alyssa saw.  Neither Alyssa nor I are big criers, we love to tease and joke around but hate to cry.  Neither of us get very stressed about things either, we just deal and move on. 

We came back home between 4 and 5.  Jeremy made home made pizza for dinner.  It was so good, I love home made pizza.  Jer and the boys went to scouts while the girls and Ian hung out at the house.  It was great to just relax with them.  We stayed up late and just talked, nothing serious, no adoption topics or anything like that.  We just relaxed and talked until 11 or midnight.  It was just....normal.

My Crazy week part 4 - Sunday March 6

We woke up and we knew church wasn't until1pm.  Alyssa decided she couldn't make it through seeing her son at church with all of his adoptive family celebrating all over again.  1 day was hard enough but doing it the second time was too rough on her.  I wanted to see him but I would do whatever Alyssa decided she needed to.   
We decided to just start driving to California.  We passsed the exit to the church about the time the blessing started.  We just continued driving.  I took the first leg of the trip driving.  About 2:30 Owen's amom text alyssa saying we missed you and hope you are ok.  Alyssa text back saying "mom and I couldn't make it through the blessing also. "  I thought that might cause problems because now I could be blamed.  Now it was my fault for pulling Alyssa away from going to church and seeing her son.  Owens amom texted back and said well I hope you can come to peace with your decision about adoption.

We continued to drive Ian and I switched off, but he drove the most and the very worst parts.  We hit a terrible snow storm over donner's Pass and Ian made it through.  I was terrified and so glad he was used to driving in those conditions. 

After 12 hours of driving we made it home.  I still didn't fall asleep til 2am, my mind was working to hard and just thinking too much.  I was done with tears.  I had let out my pain already and now we were just going to enjoy this week together.  The way we mourn isn't dwelling on the pain and hurting but feel the pain and still enjoy the moment.  We had a week to just be together and have most of our family together.

Gift to Owen

I forgot to put in the last post about the gift we brought Owen.  I am not a seamstress in any way but I wanted to make Owen a few blankets and some burp cloths.  I then used the scraps from Owens blanket plus bought extra girlie fabric and made Alyssa a lap blanket.  After that I made a card for Owen on the front it said "Together Forever".

I wanted Owen to look back and know that he will always be part of us.  If he asks questions we will help him.  I never want him to feel unloved or unwanted.  I wanted him to know he had roots, that he came from somewhere.  I never want him to feel lost.   I don't remember word for word what I wrote in the card but it went something like

"My dear little one,

We have always loved you and we always will.  You will always be part of our family no matter what.  You are a P -, an A - , and a H (last names of biological family).  You have great history in your family, your moms family came a  crossed to Utah in handcarts during some very hard times, your dads side is very smart and they are very good business men.  The same blood that runs in these people also run in your veins.  You are bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh.

We will always love you,
Grandma Nettie and Mama Kara

PS - The blanket I made for you I also made a blanket for your mama out of the scraps.  Maybe when you are holding onto this blanket your mom will be wrapped up in hers thinking of you."

My Crazy week part 3

We got ready for the day and I found out the top of my dress that was supposed to be stitched came undone.  We did not have a safety pen so we went to the store to find one.  I didn't think it would be cool to have my bra hanging out no matter how flat chested I am.  We also stopped by my daughters work to see "the ladies" (the mentally and physically handicapped ladies that are at the residential home where she works).  That was so much fun, I finally got to meet the people my daughter always talks about.  I also got to see my daughters other best friend Jasmine, who I absolutely love.  We made it to the church right on time and made a pact not to cry.  I was still hurting alot from my stomach ache but I figured I would make the best of it.  As we walked in I felt like we were on display.  I am sure no emotion would have came off as right for this event.  If we were too happy then we obviously had no bond or feelings toward Owen, if we were sad then we would ruin there day. 

They had a family tree made out of poster board and all family members placed their thumb onto a stamp pad and put on their thumb print on this hand drawn tree.  Alyssa chose green, which is her favorite color and I chose blue which is my favorite color.  She signed her name as Mama Kara and I put mine as Grandma Nettie (Nettie is my nickname from when I was about 5 years old).

Alyssa saw that Steven's sister was there.  Steven is Owens natural dad and he has never met Owen, Steven lives in Canada now with his own parents.  His sister lives in Salt Lake.  Alyssa Steven's sister did not get along while Alyssa was pregnant.  In a way I do understand.  Steven broke up with Alyssa and 3 days later Alyssa "claimed" to be pregnant.  Any sister would be protective of her brother when an ex comes back days later and claims to be pregnant.  The only thing was that Alyssa really was pregnant and not just claiming it.  It didn't help that Steven didn't tell his parents until Alyssa was 7 and a half months along that she was even pregnant with his child.  Alyssa's Aparents never made contact with Steven's parents either.  I finally threatened Steven when Alyssa was about 6 months pregnant that he could tell her parents or I would.  I even let him know I had their home phone number in Canada.  Let's just say I am a good detective and can track most people down if I need to.

As son as Alyssa saw L (Steven's sister) they embraced.  I don't know what was said between them but it seemed to me that everything was forgiven from both sides.  L was having a bit of a hard time dealing with the loss of her nephew too.  They both started tearing up, of course I did too.  People came up to Alyssa and thanked her for completing their family and what a great gift that was. 

We couldn't help it and we both started crying ugly blotchy crying.  We went to the bathroom to clean up.  This was only within the first 5 minutes of us arriving.  A few minutes later my parents and my nephew came in.  Of course I hugged them and just let my daddy hold me and comfort me.  I needed him to be there. They had never met Owen or either set of adoptive parents before.  My mom got to hold Owen for the first time ever and feed him a bottle.  You can tell she loved it but I think she tried to distant herself emotionally so she wouldn't become too attached. 

A few minutes later Alyssa's Aparents came in with her adoptive sister.  I have only met Alyssa's amom once and that was at the hospital when Alyssa had Owen.  They were nice and shook my hand.  Then Alyssa introduced me to her sister Kristen, who is also high-functioning autistic.  this was the introduction "Hey Kristen do you want to meet my real mom"  (Oh I wanted to crawl under the table. I knew Alyssa was hurting and this was her way to hurt them back.  Why is she so much like me when I was her age?)  Then Alyssa asked her amom - Hey when are you going to find Kristen's real mom?  It is about time since Kristen has been asking for 3 years.  Guess what they didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.  I know shocking huh.  I did not put Alyssa up to ask that, I was as surprised as them.  i knew where her hurt was coming from though.

I as able to hold Owen for about 5 minutes but I could tell Alyssa wanted to hold him so badly.  She was able to for about 30 minutes.  He even fell asleep on her.  As he fell asleep his head was on her heart.  Every time he slipped down and couldn't hear her heart as well he cried a little til she repositioned him and he was back listening to her heart.  He then fell back asleep.  I do not know if he usually falls on peoples chest or not.  Owen seemed to be fascinated with Alyssa, he just stared at her and listened as she talked.  I loved seeing her with Owen.  She had her natural smile back, where she is at peace.  A couple of tears fell from my eyes but they were happy tears. 

A little bit later Owens amomAmom did allow Alyssa almost half of an hour holding Owen. 

Alyssa went to talk to someone for a few minutes and I felt my eyes start to burn.  I could feel the tears starting to well up and I wanted to leave before anyone could see me.  I didn't want to make Alyssa cry.  I walked out as fast as I could in my 3 inch heels and went to the bathroom.  I let myself cry, you know that deep almost hyper ventilating cry.  Thank God no one came in the bathroom to comfort me.  I didn't want to see anyone and I would have just felt bad for bothering anyone.  After a few minutes I got it under control but my hands were still shaking uncontrollably.  I am sure my eyes were still red too.  My awful stomach ache didn't help anything.  I went by my dad and he held me we were about 4 feet from Owens adoptive dad.   I quietly told my dad that I made it through this adoption crap once I don't know if I am strong enough to do it again.   Owens Adad was shooting daggers at me.  I'm sure he felt as if I was ruining his day.  Now I feel really bad for him. 

Alyssa went to take pictures with Owen and his Amom.  My hands were shaking so hard I could not take a picture so I asked my dad too.  Owens amom was holding him and Alyssa was beside them.  Owen kept trying to reach for Alyssa and go to her.  That broke my heart.  It seemed to me that Owen knew who Alyssa was.  I felt like it might be a long time before I see Owen again.

We left right after that.  Alyssa asked me to drive.  As I started to drive she had a mild panic attack so I had her lay her seat back and just try to relax.  Also I went through McDonald's to get her some food because she had not eaten that day.  We went through the drive through and as they gave us our food they had asked if we needed anything else.  I replied do you have anything with alcohol in it?  Luckily they had a good sense of humor and they just said well how bout rubbing alcohol. 

Relaxing and food did help Alyssa a lot.  We got back to her house and just collapsed on the couch.  Neither of us talking but both in our own world.  My stomach ache was starting to send pain up into my shoulder blade.  Freaking sucked!  This happens almost every time my body tries to get used to higher elevation.  After about 30 minutes of collapsing Alyssa decided we should watch, "Dinner for Shmucks" so we went into the bedroom and laid under the covers.  By the time the movie was over most of my stomach pain had left. 

We decided to recolor my hair a dark brown again.  I seem to be always changing my hair color. Everyone else was gone for the day working so it was really nice to just be alone.  In the middle of coloring my hair the bathroom from the floor above overflowed long enough to start raining into my daughter's bathroom.  It didn't stop for about 10 minutes.  We took all of the towels we could find in the house to clean up the mess.  They only own about 5 towels total.   I have to say by this point I actually thought it was funny.  Come on what else do you have to throw at us God?  We can take, you haven't completely broke us yet. 

The guys came home about 9ish from work that night and decided it would be nice to go see their parents.  Ian's dad is married to Brandon's (Kristen's boyfriend's) mom.  We went over there until about 2am.  We sat and talked, while the guys played darts. 

I knew the next day Owen was getting a blessing at church and we were invited.  I wanted to see him but wasn't sure if I could make it through one more thing.  Alyssa does not go to church and I stopped attending once Owen was placed for adoption.  This was going to be hard on a lot of levels.

My crazy week part 2

I do not think most adoptive couples are heartless but I don't think anyone other than serial killers are really heartless.  I know we all do things for a reason.  I know adoptive couples only want a child, and mostly they would prefer their own.  I truly get that they desperately want a child, I also think that agencies prey on mothers as much as they do prospective adoptive couples.  If either of us were told the whole truth of adoption and how it feels for the 2 groups that lose the most we would unite and all be for family preservation first. 

Adoption is about money for the agencies but in some cases it is desperately needed.  Is it needed in all cases, absolutely not.  I do wish every PAP would be given the books Primal Wound, The Girls Who Went Away, and Baby Thief,  to just name a few of my favorite adoption books, before they were even allowed to adopt.  I wish couples would understand how adoption was started in this country and why we have 60 plus year old laws and falsified birth certificates.  I think there would be more empathy to all sides.  If PAPS were given Primal Wound they would realize that adoption can hurt children.  The simple act of separating children from their mothers causes hurt, pain , and loss.  Children should not be grateful for the separation, and telling a child you were loved enough for your mom to place you only lets them know that if they are truly loved they will be abandoned.

To continue on with my story.  Work was more than insane on Thursday and Friday.  I do all of the accounts payable and receivable for a small company plus I answer all emails and deal with a lot of the customers.  My job is basically to make everyone happy and make sure everything is complete.  Thursday and Friday I ran into many problems with my job. But I did leave with everyone happy including both of my bosses.  I hate ending my day with any type of problems, so this was really good.

I left work got kids from school, dropped Kenny at the middle school to volunteer with the orchestra, Cassie went to a dance, and I went home to grab my suitcase and finish packing.  We left my house by 5:45 and headed to the airport.  My husband dropped me off by 6:45 and I was through security and at my gate by 7:15.  I think that was my fastest time ever.  I went out to Utah by myself, but my husband and a dear friend kept my spirits up by texting me while I waited at the gate. 

My plane took off right on time at 8:30.  I sat by a woman just a few years younger than me and we talked for a while.  She was asking about my husband and kids, just chit chatting.  We got into religion and I mentioned that I'm Mormon and my husband was Catholic.  She was blown away that we could be of two separate religions but have a marriage work for 17 years.  I told her we always go to church as a family and we respect each others religions.  Both of our religions are family oriented and we worship the same God. 

She asked what I was doing going out to Utah I told her I was visiting my daughter and grandson.  As we talked more she asked when my daughter moved out to Utah.  I told her a few years ago.  She asked if Alyssa's dad had custody when she was younger.  I said no and then let the whole story spill.  It wasn't anger but sadness and loss.  I was not bashing just told the facts that my daughter who I placed just placed her son and we were going to celebrate the sealing to his adoptive parents.  This woman who never had a child, just looked at me and said "wow that must be so hard, no wonder you are so thin, the stress just eats away the pounds."  So true and this woman had a tear in her eye.  It is weird in society to find empathy from people that have not experienced the loss of adoption.  It was really nice too.  I admit I cried a little.   If you knew me in person I do not cry often unless it has to do with my children.  I'm the person that everyone reaches out to so I can help them.  I do not reach out to ask for help.

I got off the plane and Alyssa and her friend met me at the baggage claim.  Alyssa hid behind a trash can so I couldn't see her kind of like hide-n-go-seek, but I saw her best friend Kristen with her cute little pregnant belly.  I hugged her and then gave Alyssa a hug.  We talked nonstop all the way to her house.  I got to see their first place and stay with them.  She lives in a house that has been split into apartments and she is sharing the basement apartment with Kristen and the 2 men in their lives. 

We sat up and talked until about 2am.  We finally crashed but I woke up by 8:30am and started reading my book "Inconceivable".  I also woke up with a horrible stomach ache.  Whenever I go to a high elevation I get horrible pains in my stomach and get super bloated.  My body is used to the elevation of sea level and where my daughter lives the elevation is 4500 feet.  Stress also upset my stomach.  I was hurting so bad I could not stand up straight at all.  Yes it looks like it is going to be a great day, all the stars are lined up right.

Alyssa started texting her Amomtexted Owens Amom to see what time where we should meet and when.  11am was supposed to be the sealing and 1:30pm was a celebration of the sealing.  Owens Amom responded back that there wasn't a point of us going to the temple we would not be allowed inside anyways.  They would be hurrying after to get to the church for the celebration so we wouldn't have time to even take pictures.  It felt as if they were saying you aren't family so don't come.  I called up my parents who were on the way down, who never met the adoptive couple, and said it doesn't look like we are invited. I don't want you to be uncomfortable.  My mom is very anti-social she is more of a wall flower.  After that text from Owens amom we were very hurt, not angry just hurt, and I did need a hug from my dad and to see my mom.  They had also brought my 14 year old nephew and I was supposed to watch him while they were in the temple.  My nephew is smart but he is also high functioning autistic.  He probably would just play video games while they were in their sessions but I knew my mom wouldn't be totally comfortable with that if he was left alone with no adult supervision near by.  I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by calling my mom and dad knowing how much they hate being social and the problem with my nephew.  It definitely didn't seem like Owen's amom wanted us around for their family sealing.

Going private

I need to put my blog private for a while.  If you would like to continue reading just send me your email and I will add you as a reader.  I will be going private on Friday. 

Jeannette

Happy thoughts of the day

I just had to put up a few funny things that have happened over the last couple of days.  We were driving back to my house Sunday from Utah, I was the first driver and we stopped at Elko to fill up the tank. And it was snowing, I have never driven in snow and I did not feel safe so we also switched drivers.  I stayed by the car to fill up the tank as Alyssa and Ian went inside to use the bathroom and get food.  I finished filling up the tank and Alyssa came to the car.  I then went to the bathroom and passed Ian while he ordered his food.  As I passed I said "Hi Honey".  I call everyone honey or sweetie that I care about.  It is not sexual at all, it is a term of endearment.   The people at the counter gave me a very weird look.  I thought that was strange.  Why are they looking at me like that?  I later mentioned to Alyssa about the weird look I got from the workers at the sandwich shop.  Alyssa said oh, "well when I was in there with Ian I gave him a hug and kissed him."  Then you walked in immediately after and called him honey.  I guess that did seem a little weird to the workers.  Maybe I should have explained to the workers that Ian is not the next Hugh Hefner.  To top it off I colored my hair while we were in Utah and now Alyssa's and my hair color are very similar too.  Most everyone has assumed we are sisters, which Alyssa proudly corrects then and says no that is my mama.

Last night Alyssa had to look for something in the house and she didn't want to.  So she complained uggh I have to burn calories to do that.  I do not want to, too much effort.  About 30 minutes later Cassie wanted to play video games with Ian but she had to open a drawer and move things around to find the game she wanted.  She looked at me and asked if I would move the video games and show her which ones were in there so she could choose the right one without moving.  I told Cassie no I will not do that, go look for it yourself if you want to play a game.  She said "But mom that is too hard and would require effort"  I just looked at Ian and said wow you would think that my 2 daughters were raised together. 

Just had to share those things.

My crazy week part 1

What a week, I hope to never relive such a tough week again, I really don’t know if tested if I would live through it. There has only been a 2 other times in my life that I have felt so low and just wanted to die. If you are going to respond to this post with anything insensitive please walk away now. I can’t deal with it I am at my breaking point.

The 26^th my daughter started getting crazy texts from her ex that was definitely harassing/stalking. He didn’t stop for hours. My daughter was working when he was texting her. She repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and he kept on with his crap. She ended up driving home when her shift was over and had a panic attack. She had to pull over and just try to calm herself down. Of course on Sunday the 27th was Alyssa's birthday.

On Wednesday I was on face book and I saw a status update from Owens adoptive mom saying “As of yesterday Owen is officially our son. We were able to finish the paperwork in court yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone who has helped along the way. We will be sealed on Saturday and blessing him on Sunday. We are so blessed to have this sweet little boy in our lives and count ourselves privileged to be his parents. Thank you Thank you Thank you.” Wow to get that as a facebook status instead of a phone call, it was as if my daughter was a mere acquaintances and bystanders in this.  I knew my daughter did not know.  I talk to Alyssa several times a day and if she knew she would have told me.  Of that I am sure.  So what should I do?

I knew Alyssa does not have internet at her house and she does at work.  So she might see it at work and have no one to support her or hopefully she doesn't see it at all.  I couldn't risk her seeing it at work with no support. So I texted her boyfriend let him know what was going on and asked him does he want to tell her in person or does he want me to call her I just wanted to make sure he was home with her.  I didn't want her to be alone and hurting.   I knew she would feel cheated and heart broken to see this on face book. I knew it would deeply hurt her. She assumed Owens adoptive mom would call her own parents and fill them in on the news but Owens natural mom was left to read it on face book. It is such a deep hurt and slap in the face.   This couple had promised my daughter that she would be part of their family that they were joining each other but now from our point of view it seems so different.  We made it through Wednesday and we were still alive

My next trial was Thursday and I was not prepared for this in the slightest.  Before I tell you what happened you have to understand that adoption does affect us mothers on such a deep level. It affects every decision we make with our raised children. I was talking with Kenny Thursday night who is 14. I found out he had a girlfriend which is weird because he rarely keeps things from me especially about a new girlfriend.  I told him I liked her but her parents will not allow her to have a boyfriend and they shouldn't do things behind her parents back.  He took it as I didn’t like his new gf so he left the house. Yes he just walked out and left. He texted me and said I was making him choose between his gf and me. When all I said was I don’t like it that his gf won’t tell her parents they are together. I just texted him and said I love you please come home. He replied no. So I went to look for him and found him. It made him run. I am freaking out on the inside but calm on the outside. I asked my husband to just bring my baby home but be gentle and don't scare him.

A few minutes later my 14 year old came in and we talked. I told him how it scared me when he left I didn’t know where he was or if someone would kidnap him it was at night and very dark. I told him I already had one child that I did not know for years if she was alive or dead, happy or sad, I can’t live through that again. We both cried, hugged, and apologized.

And to top all of this off I have been working more hours than normal at my job and things have been chaotic over there.
A few weeks ago we had received a card in the mail announcing that the adoptive parents of Owen were celebrating their forever family on Saturday the 5^th. I was flying in to see Owen and to be there for Alyssa. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know how extremely hard.

I will continue this on my next post.

What makes a mom?

"Conception, nine months of pregnancy and 3-36 hours of labor do not a mother make - motherhood requires a lifetime of service."
"You do have instant love for a baby when they are first born, but that love grows beyond belief when you take care of them. Each diaper you change, each bottle you feed, each sleepless night rocking your baby, trying to comfort them. Your love grows stronger and stronger. Just because your adoptive mom adopted you does not mean she has any less love for you than my mom, who carried me in her womb, or I for my five children. It is the selfless service that you render to your child that makes you love them so much. I'm sure you have noticed this in your visits with your son."

I have seen these comments on blogs by parents that never had a child die or lost a child to adoption.  These are by parents that never adopted and are not looking into adoption.  It makes me wonder if people think the love you have for a child subsides because you are not in contact with them, you are not raising them or if  the child dies at birth.  From my experience my love for Alyssa is no different than my love for my other children.  I only changed her diaper for a few days, I never breast fed her, and I did not raise her.  Yet i still love her the same as if i had done those things.

My grandmother lost her son over 60 years ago.  He would have been about 65 if he lived.  He was born full term but only lived for a few hours.  My grandma and I were visiting his grave about 10 years ago and she cried.  She still loves and mourns him. Does anyone truly believe that this woman loves her son any different than her other 4 children just because she never changed his diaper and she did not raise him?  My other grandma also lost a child, a daughter when the baby was just days old.  15 years ago my grandma could barely say the name "Kathy" when talking about this child without crying.  Do you truly believe because she never raised this child that the love is any less?

Is it really the selfless service that makes you love your children so much?  I am not saying adoptive parents do not love their children the same way as a natural parent does.  I am saying that just because a natural parent does not raise a child does not mean that the natural mother loves a child any less than the adoptive parents.  It seems that as a society we forget that.  We try to ignore the natural parent and make them less than.  I often see the same thing happen to adoptees.  Society wants them to be solely loyal to the adoptive family because they put in the time and money to the child.  To acknowledge that an adoptee wants and loves the natural family seems to be a very hard concept.  I do not understand why that is so hard to comprehend.