Christmas

I do love Christmas, the family get togethers, fires, hot chocolate, church, the nativity.  I love all of it.  Growing up we had Christmas with just my immediate family.  When I was younger we always had 2 gifts for each of us kids under the Christmas tree. One was from Santa and the other was from the family.  But my parents had 7 kids so it always looked like a lot of stuff under there.  We usually also had one gift from my Grandma Von.  She would give us underwear, books, or something for our trousseau like silver wear and dish towels. Those gifts seemed useless when I was 12 years old.   My grandma was always practical. She was born during the depression so she always was thinking ahead.  I really do love her and when I got married those "useless" gifts seemed very practical. 
My Christmas traditions are a little different with my kids than what I grew up with.  We live close to alot of extended family so we get together with them as much as possible.  We start around Thanksgiving and spend one day making Tamales with Jer's mom's family.  We make about 10 to 12 dozen in one day.  My kids might not enjoy this right now but I hope one day they will look back and have good memories.  I hope once their great grandmother dies when they think of the smell of masa they think of her. I hope it will bring out memories of her and their other grandmother teaching them the proper tamale making methods.  I hope they will carry on this tradition with their kids. 

We have tried to keep Christmas family centered and not about the gifts only.  On Christmas Eve we try to go to a Catholic Mass around 5.  After Mass we head over to Jeremy's Aunt's house.  We have a traditional tamale dinner.  We always make red tamales with pork and have green tamales with chicken.  We  have home made refried beans and Mexican style rice.  As an appetizer there has to be homemade salsa and chips.  Just to be a little bit healthy we also have a big salad.  There are usually about 20 of us on Christmas Eve.  We exchange presents and sing carols.  Around 10 or 11 at night we head over to Jer's parents house.   About 10 years ago we started spending the night at Christmas Eve at their house instead of our own.  The kids really enjoy it and no longer want to spend Christmas at our house. 

 About midnight my husband and I go back to our house and get all of our presents.  Santa drops off his presents to the in-laws house - while we are gone..wink wink.  Christmas morning we get up and make hot chocolate and coffee.  We sit in the living room with my in-laws, kids, and my brother-in-law.  We take turns opening up one present at a time.  Since we do open up only one present at a time and we talk a lot this can take a few hours.  The very last thing is our stockings.  They are not allowed to be touched or even looked at what is inside until we have all of the presents opened.  After presents and stockings are cleaned up we eat fresh made Monte Cristo.  This is a once a year treat, mmm-mmm I love the Swiss and turkey melted together with strawberry preserves on top.  We sit around a while and just enjoy each others company.  The kids have really got to know their grandparents as people not just as grandma and grandpa.  I love to encourage the bond that has been built.  My in-laws are really like second parents to my kids they are alot closer than most grandparents are to their grandkids.

We sometimes play with the new toys all together especially if it is a board game.  About 1:00 or so we head over to my sister's house for the Anderson gathering.  This is not a quiet calm get-together like our other celebration.  We are loud and really silly.  There are close to 30 or more of us with my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and sometimes a few extended family members.  We don't exchange gifts with my family, there are just too many of us.  We get together to play games, eat, and enjoy each other.  We finally head home about 9 that evening.  We are totally exhausted by that time.

Usually we try to also get together with my family to go to San Francisco and go to the Oakland Temple sometime around Christmas, but never Christmas Day.  We are always up for any adventure my dad wants to take us on.  My dad loves to show the grandkid the world.  He is always up for hikes, days at the beach, or just looking around town. 

We also have a Christmas Day with my husband's dads family either the weekend before Christmas or after Christmas.  They are so much fun and very competitive.  My father in law is one of 8 kids and Christmas seems to be the only time we all can be together.  We make a full day of it.  Sometimes we bowl, shoot pool, play card games, or board games.  All that matters is everyone is involved that wants to be.  And then we eat. Oh boy can that family cook, everything is always home made and delicious.  We don't usually have a full gift exchange but a white elephant gift exchange.  This year the items have to be garden themed.  We spend months finding the right- most obnoxious - gift possible.  And to make it harder there is also a spending limit of about $20.

I do try to keep myself and my kids as busy as possible over Christmas.  Cassie came to me the other night and said mommy why can't we have Christmas with our sister and nephew.  When can we be a real family like everyone else?  How can I answer that?  I have tried my best to keep Christmas happy and make sure they have great memories.  I just held Cassie and let her talk.  I figured she needed to talk without any interferance but still know she is loved.  Sometimes we all just need to be held while we cry.

My kids -  if you ever read my blog please know I love each of you and you mean so much to me.  Merry Christmas

Christmas and loss

I feel the loss of adoption especially during Christmas but I never allow my kids to see how it affects me.  I don't think my grief should be put on them.  No matter how much I love the kids I raised and the life I have I still know someone (now two) are missing from our family get togethers.  That hurts and bring sadness to my heart, it hurts more than I usually allow myself to acknowledge.  Christmas is family centered with traditions and to know part of your family is missing that is hard.  For the persons to be missing is your first born daughter and grandchild words don't express the grief.  This mothers heart mourns for those two, for the lost years of my daughters, and for all the losses she will have with Owen.  I know it was my decision to place my daughter.  I know this is my fault.  But it does not make it easier.  The sadness and grief is still there.  I know I did the unthinkable by placing/abandoning my daughter for adoption.

I know it was supposed to get easier and after 18 years I am still waiting.  I'm waiting for the loss to go away and to be thankful for the gifts of adoption to be in my life.  It hasn't happened yet and I'm not sure when it will.  I don't see adoption a s a gift but just another burden.  I'm waiting for the healers salve to help me.

I know this will be the hardest Christmas for Alyssa.  The first Christmas of being a mom but not really being a mom in any one elses eye.  Christmas nativity with  Mary a young mom with a newborn babe.  Wondering about your own newborn babe?  I know all Alyssa will want is to be with her son but knowing she can't be there the whole day to nurse him, play with him, and put him to bed will hurt her beyond belief.  She will constantly think of him but try not to cry.  She will,  as most natural mothers do, pretend it doesn't hurt.  Wipe away the tears before they fall.  After the first Christmas you learn to cover up your feelings better to ignore what is happening around you.  Oh but that first Christmas hits so hard and so unexpectedly.  It seems as if everyone else has gone on with their life but you.  You wonder how your family can carry on act like nothing has happened.  I do remember that Christmas 18 years ago.

I know I have now learned to keep myself so busy and involved with a hundred things so my mind doesn't feel the pain in my heart.  It makes it easier to get through one more day if you don't have to think of what is really happening.

Adopted for the Life of Me

Adopted for the life of me on PBS.  I was finally able to watch this documentary last night.  My husband and I watched it as the kids were falling asleep, I needed a box of Kleenex.  Of course I knew the laws and the pain of adoption.  I do know how hard it is to get your OBC in most states.  Through search groups I have heard the pain of adoptees that just want to know more about their heritage, their history, who do they really come from, who do they look like?  These are basic human questions.

Adoption is a life long experience.  An elderly woman says I just want to know who I am before I die.  Darryl from Run DMC said "the information (sealed OBC) is part of who we are, our identity."
In New Jersey - Pam Hesagawa asks - "Who are we fighting?  The Catholic church, the state bar associate, lobbyist, ACLU, misinformation and dismissive attitudes.  Birth mother right to privacy from her own child." Pam also says "adoptees are part of a mother privacy not a part from it"

In 1982 one adoptee lived 6 blocks away from his natural mom.  6 blocks away and neither mother nor child knew, he was an adult at the time.  He found both his parents after they died.  He did end up meeting his only biological sister.  She had only had 4 things from her father when he died.  She gave her long lost brother 3 of them.  What a selfless caring person.  This stranger she never met until they were in their 60's she gave 3 of the only mementos she had of her dad to her brother.  It wasn't that they were of any monetary value but they met the world to the adoptee.  She validated him, she allowed him to call her father, their father, dad.  No jealousy, no dirty secret, just love.

One woman found out she was child number 5 from her mother. Wow, she was an adult and it looked like in her late 30's and she just found out she had 4 older siblings.  Can you even imagine that?

As I watched it one adult adoptee, he was in his 60's, found his moms gravestone and her friends.  She had him in her 30's.  He was her only child.  He wanted answers to the whys.  Why at her age couldn't she care for him.  Why did she get rid of him?  He seemed hurt by his mom  before he found her friends.  And then after piecing her life together and finding out about how she was abused he understood.  She was just protecting him.  She didn't want her son, her baby to be abused they way she had been.  He not only forgave her but he called her his hero.  This older man with salt and pepper hair went from anger to love just by knowing his history, his story.  He read poems that his mom kept.  He knew she thought about him, she loved him, and missed him, he knew he was wanted.

It was also interesting to see that in Kansas, a state that never sealed records, anyone can get their OBC.  They can see their birth name.  They can see their parents name.  There have never been problems with children coming back to haunt their natural families.  Natural parents did not need to be hidden from their children.  A CI is not needed to be the go-between.   Isn't it a lot easier to get your basic information if you have a name to start with.  Your medical information is much easier to find if you have your mothers and fathers names. 

I know not every reunion is great.  There can be pain and hurt for both the adoptee and natural parent.  But to look at someone and see yourself reflected back into them, that is awesome.  To get your medical information and know the diseases to look out for, for yourself and your children.  That is needed. 

I know I have a lot more medical information for myself and my siblings then I had almost 19 years ago when I placed my daughter.  We have since found out that my older sister has hemophilia, a mild form of it, she gets it from our dad's side.  My niece has a rare liver disease.  I did not hide these things from my daughter at birth but they were unknown at the time of her birth.  We also have found there are a lot of dairy, gluten, and meat allergies in my immediate family.   I did not know these things when I had my daughter.  My younger sister just recently found out she has a gluten allergy.  We also have found out that from my moms side we have a hereditary form of blood clots.  My little sister has had problems with high cholesterol since about the time Alyssa was born.  My sister was on track and field, was skinny but still had high cholesterol, it had nothing to do with her weight at all.  She had to be very careful with her fat content in food.  Since I placed my daughter my dad has been diagnosed with diabetes.

These are all things that my descendants need to know.  I do not know if my daughter and her adoptive parents were given her full medical history at the time of her birth. There are things I had told my social worker that my daughter was never told.  I had told my social worker that I was half Danish but one of the first things my daughter asked me when we started texting was "what was her heritage?  Where did our ancestors come from?"  She should have had that already.  What else was left out?  I do not know at all. 

One of the lines in the last 10 minutes of the show is "In the end sealed records did not protect anyone it just keeps them apart."  Sadly that is true too many times.

It's been a few days since I posted anything.  Alyssa came back from Hawaii with her boyfriend on Tuesday.  She really seemed to love it.  She was falling even more head over heels for her boyfriend.  They have been together for almost a year.  She was about 6 weeks pregnant when they started dating.  On Thursday 2 days after they got back to Utah he broke up with her, this is his third time breaking up with her in the past year.  She is totally heartbroken.  I hate not being able to comfort her.  It really sucks being so far away.    I would love for her to be able to fly out to California soon but I don't know if that will even be possible.  I remember when I was dating all of the times I was hurt when someone would break up with me.  It never really got easy.  I tried to pretend it didn't hurt but it still did. 

Alyssa has had quite a hard year, just one heartbreak after another.  She seems to take break ups as a personal rejection.  I know it seems easy to say for me because it isn't me going through it.  She deserves someone that loves her for her.  She needs someone crazy about her for her personality, for her kindness, for her unselfishness for her amazing inner strength.  She is so beautiful I think it is hard for guys to see past her looks and love her for herself.  They seem to want just eye candy and when they realize she is so much more than that they can't handle it. 

I hope one day she will see in herself everything I see in her.  I want her to never settle for less than she truly deserves.  I'm not talking about money I am talking about being with a person that will see the best in her and love her for those things.  Someone that will bring out the best in her and she brings out the best in them.  I want someone for her that doesn't want her to change in anyway.  Alyssa Mary I love you so much.  I hate you hurting in any way.

I was born in New York and raised in California.   My parents can trace our LDS roots back about 150 years.  My ancestors helped settle areas of Utah and Idaho.  My parents left the state of Utah about 40 years ago.  They are back living there now though.  My parents are liberal politically for Utah but conservative for California.  They have always taught us to be morally right, not legally but morally right.  Don't just follow the letter of the law but the spirit of the law .  Morality for them was not just about don't have premarital sex but about living in honesty.  You don't follow the letter of the law but you do the right thing even if it is more than what the law says to be right.


Living up to what they have taught also includes not passing judgement.  My dad always said it doesn't matter what people say it is their actions that matter.  Sometimes you have to stand outside of the crowd.  Yes you have to sometimes stand outside the crowd even at church.   Just because someone claims to be christian because they put it all over there blog or face book doesn't mean they are following a Christlike example. 


I do expect these things of other members of my church but too often I'm disappointed.  I have met some people who are life long friends that are like this, who are honest in all they do.  Some are LDS and some are not.  My husband and his family overall have the same values I was raised with.  My husband is Catholic, I'm not talking about the kind that goes once a year to church but the type that goes weekly and tries to also help the surrounding community.  The type that gives time and money to the needy.


I am no where close to perfect.  I do know that, I am sometimes too passionate, driven, stubborn.  I try to protect those that can't protect themselves.  So often when people find out I'm LDS they are shocked.  I often hear but you aren't judgmental or racist, you know how to have fun and enjoy the moment.  Or I hear but you don't have only Mormon friends, is that allowed?  I also hear a lot from friends of how weird Utah/Mormons are.  Yes when I visit Utah it seems weird to me also.  I'm used to liberal free thinking California not conservative Utah. I'm used to big cities and a broad mix of ideas and people. 


One thing I do not understand is how a state for family values can give fathers no right in adoptions. A state that has 80 to 90% of their politicians are LDS.   You would think that this state would hold itself more accountable.  You would think this state would have the best laws for adoption.  Not the best laws for adoptive parents.  I expect more empathy from LDS members and their leaders.  I was taught my church is about families, families first.  Is that only for married couples are family first?  Should families come first for all families even the ones created through premarital sex? 

In this great state of Utah a father has to do more than just prove he is the biological father through DNA he has to prove that he has supported the pregnant mother.  He has to register that he wants his rights honored.  How can his rights as a dad can be taken away so easily?  I do not understand that at all.  How when families are supposed to be first can fathers, who are supposed to be the head of the families, be cast aside so easily?

Infertility

We know why most, not all, people look into adoption is because they for one reason or another can't have kids of their own.  Some people are past prime when they start trying to have kids.  We now know that late 20's your fertility rate starts to decline.  For some reason not every bodies body can have a baby even in their early 20's and with all medical advances.  Some of us are very fertile, as my mom calls it Fertile Myrtle.  I do hav empathy for these families.   I have seen these struggles in people that I love and admire.  Do I think anyone deserves to suffer infertility?  No I do not.

In absence of being able to have their own child people choose adoption.  Adoption does give a wanting family a child.  It absolutely gives a family a baby to call their own, as if born to.   It gives a woman a new name, mom.  It gives her a child to raise, to hold, to love.  But it does not change her fertility.  She still will look at her child and see someone else's eyes, hair, skin. She will love the child of course but the baby will be wired differently than her own children would have been.  Even if you have a child from birth the child will think differently because he doesn't have your personality make up, just like he doesn't have your genetics.   Yes the child will have some things in common just like you have things in common with your friends even though you are not related.  You might find you both love the same music, TV shows, and have the same sense of humor.  Will your politics, religion of choice, and values be the same?  Will you have problems with that?  Will you feel less than, because you could give a child a home but not give birth to that child. 

Even if you raise a child from birth and you are the only mother and father they know it will not change the facts they are not totally yours.  The child will always have another family out there, another mother and father.  Adoption brings up a whole new set of questions and self esteem issues for the adoptive parents.  Will you wonder if your child will love you as much as they love their natural family?  Will there be jealousy?  Will you feel as if you are enough in society's eyes? Adoption does bring a new different set of questions and misgivings for all 4 parents.  It brings up problems for the natural parents not just the adoptive parents and it can bring up issues for the adoptee too.

Adoption does not get rid of your infertility.  If your child gets pregnant before marriage will it bring up your infertility issues, will you feel less than? Will you be jealous of your child?  Will you consider their child your grandchild?

Importance of Family

I am not going to talk about adoption on this post.  I know you are shocked right.  My parents have always taught us family first.  Nothing is more important than that and family will always be there for you no matter what.  I want to talk about my little sister Laurel and how she is teaching this to her kids. 

Laurel separated from her boyfriend 6 months ago, they were together for 5 year.  They have 2 great kids ages 2 1/2 and 5 years old.  Oh I just adore those two little boys.  They are so cute and have amazing imaginations.  My sister has the boys for Christmas and they live in Northern Oregon.  She doesn't have any extended family up there so she is going to drive 10 hours to be with the rest of the family for Christmas in California.  We do see her and her sons every couple of months.  She has gone out of the way to show her boys how important family is.  She doesn't tell them but shows them by example. 

She has already set up in her boys life teenagers and adults that her boys will trust and can turn to as they get older.  Her ex-boyfriends parents want to see their grand kids for Christmas time.  She could be the total brat and say well I have them for the Christmas.  Instead she told them she can visit with them either on the way to or from Oregon depending on their schedule.  She understood how important it is for her kids, their grand kids, to see and get to know each other.  It's not about the adults breaking up but the kids having family and feeling loved. Just because parents are separated does not mean that children should lose out on their heritage and bonds that came with family.  I am so proud about her decisions she is making for her sons.

Keary - A father fighting for his rights

I do not know this person personally and I do not have all of the details.  This father is from Oregon and so is his daughter.  He did not sign away his rights.  As a mother of 2 sons I have empathy.  A mothers rights  should never been taken away by a father to place a child for adoption.  A fathers rights should never be taken away either.  This child went  a cross state lines and was placed for adoption in Utah.  This is not an immediate adoption but the adoption took place at two months old.  The father helped to take care of her and wanted to raise her.

Below is his story.

My name is Keary Watson, and I am the proud father of a beautiful baby girl named Elizabeth Renee Watson.

She was born on August 11th 2010.
I want to start out by thanking you for taking the time to visit this site and taking the time to hear my story.I love my daughter dearly and will do everything in my power to have her home with me where she belongs.
My daughter Elizabeth has recently been placed with a family for adoption without my knowledge or consent.

Her mother, Rebecca Prestwich, made the terrible decision (because of strong pressure by her Mormon family)  to "sell" my daughter to a family within the LDS church in the state of Utah without my knowledge or consent. Rebecca has signed away her parental rights and placed Elizabeth with a wealthy adoptive family. She did this AFTER Elizabeth was two months old. As Elizabeth’s father I cannot comprehend how Rebecca could make the choice to sell our beautiful daughter away to strangers. These actions sadden my heart. I have always made Rebecca aware that I am Elizabeth's father and will always take care of my child. I cannot understand why she would have chosen this option but sadly she has.

I pray that Rebecca can live with the decisions that she has made and I seek comfort in knowing that I will correct the bad choice Rebecca has made and will never give up trying to do so.

It appears as though I have a bigger battle ahead of me to get Elizabeth back home than I ever imagined.

Over the last two weeks I have been made aware of A LOT of other cases similar to mine.
This is prevalent throughout the U.S. with many birth mothers doing this in the state of Utah because of laws that exclude birth fathers. I am fighting for my legal rights as her biological father to get my daughter back. I did NOT give up my daughter for adoption. I would NEVER give my daughter up for adoption.

I am her natural father and I am her recognized legal father on her birth certificate.

I have been a part of my daughter's life since the moment of conception and have continued to be her father in the fight to get her back home with me where she belongs.

Please help me to spread the word and what I am fighting for.
From reading other cases it is people like you who are helping make a difference. Again, I would like to thank you in advance for any help you give. Words cannot express my gratitude.

I am requesting donations to cover legal expenses, travel and accommodations in Utah where my daughter is being kept. Please visit the link if you can help.

http://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/08e22911a5dc42a39688c50f0549fe92

I would also like to ask everyone to take the time to write the Utah Attorney Generals office and the US Department of Justice about my case. The more people start talking about baby brokering/human trafficking by people abusing Utah laws - the more the authorities are going to look into it.

Thank you,
Keary Kase Watson.

Attorney General’s Office E-Mail: uag@utah.gov

 Justice Mr. Dustin Pead
US Department of Justice
185 South State Street, Suite 400
Salt Lake City, Utah.84111

Phone: 801-524-6924 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting              801-524-6924      end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Fax: 801-524-5682

Various Other Representatives :

lfowlke@utah.gov, react@reason.com, subscribe@reason.com, letters@reason.com, rmenlove@utah.gov, bcferry@utah.gov, jdraxler@utah.gov, fhunsaker@utah.gov, curtwebb@utah.gov, kwgibson@utah.gov, gdonneson@utah.gov, gfroerer@utah.gov, neilhansen@utah.gov, lshurtliff@utah.gov, bdee@utah.gov, rgreenwood@utah.gov, pray@utah.gov, coda@utah.gov, daagard@utah.gov, kgarn@utah.gov, jfisher@utah.gov, rogerbarrus@utah.gov, sherylallen@utah.gov, pauln@utah.gov, jgowans@utah.gov, cduckworth@utah.gov, jseelig@utah.gov, rbecker@utah.gov, christinejohnson@utah.gov, dlitvack@utah.gov, jdougall@utah.gov, rozmcgee@xmission.com, janicefisher@utah.gov, jbiskupski@utah.gov, lwiley@utah.gov, ronbigelow@utah.gov, nhendrickson@utah.gov, koryholdaway@comcast.net, markwheatley@utah.gov, priesen@utah.gov, csmoss@utah.gov, ehutchings@utah.gov, jdunnigan@utah.gov, lhemingway@utah.gov, toddkiser@utah.gov, jbird@utah.gov, wharper@utah.gov, tcosgrove@utah.gov, mwalker@utah.gov, karenmorgan@utah.gov, merlynnnewbold@utah.gov, greghughes@utah.gov, cwimmer@utah.gov, melbrown@utah.gov, gsnow@utah.gov, jmathis@utah.gov, ksumsion@utah.gov, cfrank@utah.gov, ssandstrom@utah.gov, bdaw@utah.gov, keithgrover@utah.gov, cherrod@utah.gov, sclark@utah.gov, blockhart@utah.gov, atilton@utah.gov, mikemorley@utah.gov, ppainter@utah.gov, bwinn@utah.gov, brad.king@ceu.edu, kaymciff@utah.gov, blast@utah.gov, bbowman@utah.gov, mnoel@kanab.net, dclark@utah.gov, surquhart@utah.gov

My crazy week

I have had quite a week with my kids.  Alyssa is in Hawaii with her boyfriend.  I have talked to her twice but not our normal multi-daily conversations.  I am missing her a lot.  I know she needs to get away to deal with the pain and loss of placing Owen.  Holidays are so hard when you have lost all of your natural family to adoption.

Cassie has been dealing with major drama at middle school.  She has a face book page, yes I know she is young but it was the only way a year ago to interact with her sister.  I have allowed her to keep it but I have all her settings on private. I know her passwords and I check it at least daily.  Sometimes I check it multiple times a day.  A week ago last Friday a girl put up some really inappropriate things on my daughters page.  I'm talking about cussing, calling names, everything.  It was really bad and I won't repeat it here.  I caught it within about 15 minutes of it being put on Cassie's wall.  I put a message on this girls wall.  It simply said what you wrote on my daughter's wall was very inappropriate and I will be bringing it to the principal on Monday. 

I was really hoping this girls parents would be checking her face book page so they knew what was going on.  My daughter goes to school in a great area in a really good neighborhood.  The only problem is there are a lot of older parents that aren't into new technology.  They don't know how to monitor their kids in cyberspace.  Probably about 1/4 of the kids have been raised by nannies more than their parents.

Well my daughters friends saw the post that was put up on Cassie's page.  They all defended my daughter.  The problem was they took it too far.  They were starting to respond back with mean things.  I wanted the problem to be handled appropriately by adults.  So I commented on the original post and just told everyone that it would be handled on Monday.  What was written was wrong but not to do anything to this other child.  Really picking on the other girl will help no one.  I was afraid everything would be blown out of proportion by middle school drama. 

What was really sweet was Alyssa commented too.  She handled it very maturely but protected her little sister too.  Later Alyssa told me sometimes it sucks being over 18 and having to be legally responsible for your actions.  Oh baby I get that.  All I wanted to do was protect my lil one from a mean drama filled middle school brat but I had to be the adult and treat this other kid the way I would want my daughter treated. 

First thing Monday morning my husband and I went to the principal.  She saw the posting and was not very happy about it.  She said what was done was considered cyber bullying and I could go to the police also.  I did not want to bring it that far.  I thought the appropriate thing to do was let the school and parents deal with it. 

It ends up that the things written was through the girls Ipod.  Her Ipod was stolen a month before at the school.  So someone did write those things through this girls account but we don't know who did it.  The girls parents were embarrassed that this happened at all.  I do totally get that. I would be humiliated if someone thought my kids were picking on anyone else.   I would be embarresed that I wasn't watching what my kids put in cyber world. 

That was Mondays and last weekends craziness.

My husband does out side sales, each Christmas I bake desert trays for his top 15 - 20 customers.  I spend several weeks staying up all hours baking.  I usually start baking at 7pm, after dinner is made and I'm off of work.  Several nights this week I was up until past midnight baking.  So far I have made 11 trays of desserts.  Now my kids are asking for dessert trays for their friends and some of their teachers.  Who needs sleep right?

My husband got  a cold a week ago.  Luckily he takes care of himself and doesn't complain much.  He hardly ever takes time off of work and this is no different.  He takes cold medicine and he is on his way with life.  It seems that Alex, Kenny, and Cassie are getting colds too.  They need a lot of attention when they aren't feeling well. 

Cassie has started to hear alot of rumors about herself these past few weeks.  None are true but it still is hard on her emotionally.  I think there are a lot of us who know how cruel other teenagers can be, especially girls are to each other.

Cassie had a heart to heart with Kenny last night.  They are 2 grades apart but only a year and a half apart in age.  He is in high school and is mature and responsible in her eyes.  I call them my twins because they are so much alike in their personality.  They think alike and usually do their evil plans together too.  They are either fighting with each other or plotting against some one.

Kenny came to me last night and said,  "Mom Cassie is getting picked on (I already knew that) and I want to put something up as my face book status.  I need your approval."  He showed me what he wanted to write.  Basically it said that his lil sister has had rumors spread about her none of it is true and he wants it to stop.  Wow how many teen age boys would do that for their little sister.  I asked him to change the wording slightly but overall it was okay.  He wasn't asked to protect her, he wanted to.  He didn't want his lil sis to be hurt and he felt it was appropriate to make it known on a public forum.  Cassie said it is a little weird that her brother loves her so much.  She said our family is odd because we like to be together and we always do things for each other.  She told me it's weird normal families don't show they love each other like we do.  We talk about everything too, nothing is off limits.

Yes as my niece tells me,  we are "special".

For adoptees from a natural moms point of view on reunion.

Every single adoption situation is different.  I am not talking about foster care adoption, kinship adoptions, or international adoptions.  What I am talking about is what it is like for me with a domestic newborn adoption.  A mother with high potential that loved her child enough to give her up.  Yeah I hate that saying too, loved you enough to walk away.  Loved you enough to abandon you.  That saying definitely screws with your head.  How could you trust anyone when you are told if you are truly loved you will be left, abandoned.  It even screws with natural moms heads too.

Adoptees realize that most of your natural mothers loved you more than anything.  They were trying to do what was best.  Most of us didn't realize the full consequences for us, you, or your siblings.  There are a few land mines I want to point out to you.  First please don't tell your natural mom thanks for not aborting me.  For many of us that is not a decision that entered our mind ever.  I know not even for 1 day did I consider that, I loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was conceived.  Yes I was scared but never thought of having an abortion,

This road of reunion seems very uphill and unpaved.    It is scary for a lot of us.  Even us moms that have followed you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to get to know you.  It is still VERY scary.  One thing that does hurt is being told "thanks for giving me to this great family, I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else".  We want to know about your childhood and your adoptive family but take it slow.  When we are told thanks for giving me to this great family it sometimes feels like you are saying thanks for hurting, I appreciate it.  Of course we don't want you to be abused we do want you to have an amazing childhood with everything that money can buy.  We want you to feel wanted and loved.  Just take it a little bit slow.  We are like a deer  in head lights sometimes.

Sometimes it does feel easier to run far away and deal with the aspects of adoption with reunion.  We have buried many demons deep inside ourselves.  In reunion these things come unburied and out in the open.  I'm not talking about the child we buried in our past coming to haunt us.  That is not it at all.  It is the way we have coped with the loss of our child.  For some of us we buried ourselves in religion, others went into drugs and alcohol after relinquishment, some went really sexually active.  Obviously we weren't virgins but many of us only slept with a few men before we got pregnant.  Once we relinquished our parental rights we slept with many, many men.  We lost our self esteem.  There have been many of us that got in abusive/co-dependant relationships.  We do many things to cover up our pain.

I'm sure there are some women that have not fallen into these categories after relinquishment I just haven't meant any.  I do understand how finding religion and holding onto that tightly feels safe, you feel as if nothing can hurt you again. But so often it is just as bad a drug. 

Those of us that also suffered sexual abuse before we became natural parents have a whole other set of demons to deal with.  You don't know which of these categories your mom falls into until after you are in reunion.  My daughter did not know of my sexual abuse until 6 months after we "met" on face book.  I did not tell her but my sister did.  I didn't want my daughter to feel sorry for me.  It happened, it was on the past, and it is time to move on.  I felt as if I needed to be strong for my daughter in every aspect  of my life and if she knew about that I couldn't be strong for her.

This is a relationship like none other.  It is a mother child relationship and we do remember you but you don't have memories of us.  We don't have shared experiences.  We might be in different social classes too.  That can put a strain on the relationship.  You might be very conservative and your natural family can be very liberal.  This can be another obstacle. 

After my daughter had Owen we were talking one day about how I always stayed in touch through letters but her adoptive sister's natural mom didn't write many letters and they don't even know her adoptive sister had a birth name.  As we talked we discussed how sometimes it is easier to walk away from the pain than continually deal with the wound of a relinquished child.  A child you feel you will never know.  A child you feel you have no rights to get to know.  We also discussed that maybe her sister was named but the agency didn't allow the adoptive family to know her name.  This was 20 years ago.

Adoptees please also know that the mom you meet now as an adult is a very different person than the mom that relinquished you.  We have had to deal with a lifetime of pain.  That does change us.  I am not trying to say that adoptees don't feel abandoned or without pain.  We know you had no choice in this.  Just understand we hurt too.  We want acceptance, we want love.

My daughter had told me when she was younger that she didn't feel like she always had the right to write me.  She felt like she was invading my privacy.  I felt like I was invading her family and her when I wrote.  I felt like I was being intrusive.  Every letter I wrote I rewrote at least 5 times.  I was so afraid of saying anything wrong.  I was afraid that all contact would be cut off if everything wasn't sugar coated and happy.  

This can be an amazing relationship but take it slow.  Get to know each other.  Find your likes and dislikes.  Find out what you have in common and build on those things.  For me and my daughter being together in my house and  my town for a few days without outside distractions has built our relationship.  My daughter has seen how we function as a family and how she fits in.  She sees why she does things the way she does.  She sees where she gets her looks and personality from.  I hope she knows how much all of us love her.  She does have the love of many, from her adoptive family, my family, my husbands family, and her dad's family.  We wouldn't be  the same without her in our life.

I love you my Alyssa.

Lost generations

About 2 years ago I was on a yahoo search group for adoptees and natural families looking for each other.  Within the first couple of months there was a natural mom who found her 19 year old  twin daughters that she placed for adoption.  As she was reuniting with them she found out one of her daughters was pregnant and considering placing her child for adoption.  As I read it I thought about the tragedy of the whole situation.  I couldn't imagine the natural mothers pain.  I wanted to yell through my screen to go kidnap her daughter and don't allow the adoption to go through.  I know that sounds irrational but that is what I was thinking.   It is one thing to place your child, you are naive of the affects and feelings.  You are naive on how long the feeling of loss and loneliness will last.  You are naive about the self esteem problems after placement of being a natural mom.  You are also naive on how adoption will affect all of your children.  To know and feel everything and then watch your child go through the same thing.  I could not have imagined anything worse. 

I heard the same story over and over again,  adoptees becoming natural parents, or as one adoptee writes on her blog an abandoned abandoner.  The stories that I have heard and now experienced is the natural mother is against her child placing.  The adoptive parents are in support of their adoptive child placing.  I am not saying adoptive parents are bad this is just what I have seen.  I know it was like this with my daughter.  I was absolutely against the adoption.  That had nothing against the PAPs.  It was simple I did not want my daughter to ever have the loss of placing her first born.  I never wanted her to understand my pain on such a deep level.  I would rather she cut me out of her life entirely than to suffer for the rest of her life as a natural mom.  I never wanted anyone I love, especially my children, to understand this loss fully.  I couldn't imagine ever losing another person to adoption again.  I didn't thing it would be possible to handle the loss of adoption more than once in your life.

I was very mad at my daughter's adoptive parents, did they think that just because I was strong enough to place my child and live a really good life it didn't mean that my daughter should do the same thing.  I'm not as angry with them now.  But those were my feelings when my daughter was pregnant.

It's interesting Alyssa and I were talking when Owen was 6 weeks old and Cassie asked me what I would do if she ever got pregnant before she was married.  I just looked at her and told her I would love her, we are family and we would help her any way humanly possible.  Alyssa told me that she would never allow her sister to experience the pain of adoption.  She would do whatever it took so her little sister would not ever place her child. 

December 6 - Happy Birthday

Today is my nieces 23rd birthday.  She is a lot more like my little sister than my niece.  She was born when I was in 7th grade and 12 years old.  We really have grown up together.  She is amazing and smart.  She was always a leader and the kid that got straight A's.  She now owns her own business with her boyfriend, yes at 23 years old.  They have been together for 5 years. She is mildly very stubborn, I don't know where she gets that from ;).  She is absolutely beautiful too on the inside and out.  I just adore her and I am so glad she is part of my family and feels comfortable enough to talk to me about everything.  I love you so much Cheri!!!

It is also my nephews birthday today.  He is 15 years old and was lost to adoption.  15 years ago I was not out spoken against adoption.  I was still in the world of unicorn and butterflies of adoption.  I was for adoption and thought it was one of the best things for mother and child.  Obviously I have grown and changed alot.  I was the Lamaze coach when my nephew was born.  He was the third baby I saw being born other than my own kids.   I never spoke out to my brother's girlfriend about the loss that would be felt.   Neither my brother or his ex-girlfriend had another child after this one was placed. 

I don't know what my nephew looks like or where he lives.  I do not know his adoptive name neither does his natural mom.  I wonder about him alot.  I wonder what he is like and what is he doing.  I wonder if he is tall and thin like my brother.  Does he have blond hair and blue eyes like my brother or brown hair and brown eyes like his natural mom. I do want to meet him one day.  What is his personality like?  Does he have dyslexia like both of my brothers and one of my sons?  Is he the quiet trouble maker or calm and mellow.  Has he been to the emergency room recently for dumb teenage boy stuff.  Has he ever lit a rocket in his hand like his dad did around the same age?  Does he like fire works and anything that explodes?  Is he a practicing LDS teenager or has he gone more like his natural parents and stepped away from the church he was raised in?  Does he always have a book in his hand?  What doe he like to read?  What kind of grades does he have?  Is he great in math like his dad was?  Is he crafty and arty like his mom?

 I hope he looks for us.  Even if everyone isn't ready to meet him I sure am and I think my parents would love to know him too.  He is 9 months older then my second son and just 4 months older then another nephew.  John if you ever look for your natural family please know we love you and always have.  You have never been forgotten. 

I have been told that I don’t understand modern day adoption.  I have been told what I write about is all in the past.  So I guess now we do not change birth certificates.  Everyone has access to their OBC, right.  Adoptees are absolutely equal to every other US citizen.  PAP are not ever encouraged to be in the delivery room and that puts no pressure on expectant women to place their child. 

Our laws are still against expectant mothers.  Woman are still given papers to relinquish their children while they are in the hospital, while their child is in the hospital.  While they are still recovering from the delivery.  They are given the papers while PAP are outside of the room, in the hospital.  No that does not speak of pressure and coercion at all.  Obviously things have changed a lot.  It seems to be a lot more sly with coercion.  While woman are crying hysterically they are given papers to relinquish their child.  Yes that is happening today in our society.

Why is there not a waiting period after you sign the papers before your rights are relinquished in every state?  Why do dads have barely any legal rights to their children?  Why do case workers not always tell mothers that once the papers are signed they will not be able to get their child’s OBC?  That is told after the papers are signed.  Why are woman told not to put the fathers name on the OBC if they are planning to place their child for adoption?  Yes that does happen in 2010.  How are these children going to feel in 18 years or more when they find out their father is not on their OBC.  Will they question their moms honesty and wonder if their mom’s even know who their dad is? 

Four years ago I could  not buy a car in California in the evening because there was a too high of chance that I was making a decision when I was too tired.  Mothers are allowed to sign relinquishment papers in 2010 when they have slept 6 hours in the last 72 hours and had barely ate 400 of calories food in the last 3 days. 

I can not imagine a natural mother being okay with letting their adult child relinquish their parental rights.  I’m sure it happens but the natural mother that does allow  that has to be rare.  Most of us are not  okay with seeing our children experience the same pain as us.  Adoption agencies encourage natural mothers to sit on panels and share the great experience of adoption with other mothers.  As natural mothers we wouldn’t want our children to go through it but some natural mothers encourage our friends and other women?

I was also told Utah has great laws for parents giving up their rights.  Is that why adoption agencies actually bring expectant mothers to Utah because of the laws protecting or exploiting natural mothers? 

Maybe now a day’s  adoption are different because agencies do not sell babies?  There is no money exchanged ever for a child, right.   There are no receipts for children, no checks being written, and no loans taken out to buy a baby.  Obviously adoption is very different than 18 years ago.

While we are on the subject different races of children all sell for different prices?  Why? Why is one child worth more than others in the agencies and PAPs eyes?

I have been told that women will live in poverty when they keep their children.  Of course that is possible and it does happen. Does it make them bad parents?  I have known several women that started off as teenage moms.  That lived in poverty, they fought for everything they had.  They were amazing moms too.  And now they are lawyers and business owners.  Their kids could not have been prouder because they have seen what their mothers have overcame .  They have seen the struggles and accomplishments of their moms.  Is that a bad lesson to teach your children?

I have also been told if adoptive couples close the adoption they can still adopt another child through the same agency.  I’m sorry but wtf?  They have proven to an adoption agency they are liars and unethical but  the adoption agency still will allow them to adopt they just put a note in their file for future natural mom.  Obviously adoption is not at all about money right?  One set of natural parent and their families have been crushed when the adoption closes but the agency will still sell another child to the same couple. 

I do not mean to say that infertile couples are mean or abusive.  I absolutely know they are not.  I do know they just want a child of their own.  Most couples would be just as happy to have a child of their own naturally without adoption.  Adoption is about the child and not the adoptive parents.  But if adoption is about the child and there is only 1 infant child for every 30 to  40 couples trying to adopt why aren’t the same  couples looking into teenage/older child adoption through foster care?

Don’t those kids deserve a home just as much as a cute cuddly newborn?  Is it because you can see the loss and sadness that foster kids have,  where as all newborns cry the same.  You don’t see the loss in newborns eyes.  Everyone takes it as “your” child because you adopted the child as a newborn not an older child.  Yes adoption has changed so much in the last 18 years.

Reunion and the things I wish I would have known

I did read alot of books about reunion.  There was alot that was not in them.  Yes I understood that no reunion is perfect.  I understood "the honeymoon stage".  I understood that I may want my daughter around more than she wanted me around.  Or she would want more from me than I could give her.  I was prepared for those things. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the regrets and questioning that would come with it.  I do not regret meeting my daughter, I regret not raising her.  I do not regret talking with her every day.  I regret the previous 18 years of not being there for my daughter.  I do not regret getting texts from her.  I do not regret trying to understand adoption from her point of view.   Honestly to acknowledge and come to terms with how my decision to relinquish her actually hurts her, totally sucks.   It hurts me horribly, but I'm sure nothing like living with the knowledge "your mom loved you enough to abandon you".  I never had any intention to hurt her.   I do not regret seeing her as much as humanly possible now.  I was trying to do what I was told would be best.  I was told by church leaders and the adults around me and trying to do the best for her.   

I regret breaking the sacred bond that comes with being a mother.  I regret that she has a sealed birth certificate.  I regret that she does not know the stories of her families.  Yes I seriously think children should be kept with their mothers just because they are biologically theirs,tThat one "minor" factor.

I was told how she needed a mother and father.  Didn't occure to me that she already had that.  I was told that she would need a stay at home mom.  Kids do not need stay at home moms to be complete.   I was told that she would need material things.  Of course she would need material things but I wasn't told that she would need ME.  She needed the mother/child bond not to be broken.  She needed security and safety  from the only person she knew, that was me. 

Deep down I always knew adoption wasn't as great as it was made out to be.   But it was buried pretty deep down.  Once I met my daughter the questions I have had came screaming out.  Why was it okay to tell a 16 year old that God was using my body to bring a couple their child?  The child was not theirs.  God did not use my body as a vessel to supply any infertile woman with a child.  That is absolutely crazy.  Or how bout I wasn't capable to mother her?  Really????? I wasn't capable?  I needed support is what I needed.  Or from my bishop he told me that waking up so many times in the middle of the night I would want to hurt my baby, because I would do it alone.  Funny thing is I was the only one that ever got up with my kids when they were babies.  Just cause a man is sleeping in my bed doesnot make me less capable of getting up at night with my babies to nurse them.  What is a man going to do for a breatfed baby anyways?  They aren't going to nurse the baby, so I was married and still the only one getting up with them.  And guess what I didn't hurt them or get angry with them.

I was asked how I would support my daughter for the next 18 years?  I didn't know, I couldn't answer that.  How was I going to put my daughter through college?  My daughter's Aparents aren't putting her through college either.    So I guess neither of us should have been her parents, right.  Should they now relinquish their parental rights? 

When I was pregnant the next 3 times I didn't have those answers either.  But somehow we are managing on a daily basis.   I didn't have a college fund for each child before they were conceived.  I did not know how we would manage, we had no money when we had the next 3 kids.  Sometimes I didn't know how we would make it through the month.  Does that make me unfit to be a mother to them too? 

Last night was a bit rough.  Cassie and Kenny were both crazy emotional and they both needed me to spend time alone with them and comfort them.  No they were not upset about adoption but normal teenage angst.  I was having major stomach problems on top of it all.  I finally got everyone calmed down and went to sleep around midnight. 

This morning when I woke up everything was normal in fact better than normal.  Cassie woke up early and happy which is very rare for her.  It has been quite a good morning to say the least.  She usually despises mornings and is just awful to be around. 

This morning I was thinking how lucky Alyssa and I are even with this whole mess of adoption.  First of all not only has my husband totally accepted her as his own but she has accepted him.  He never thought of her as a ghost from my past that will come back to haunt us.  I never had to ask for his forgiveness for having a child before I met him.  He was just as excited as me when we finally met her.  He is so supportive of our relationship and all 4 kids having a great sibling relationship.  When the 6 of us are together you couldn't  tell which 3 kids are his biologically and which one is not. 

When Alyssa contacted her grandfather on her dad's side he immediately accepted her.  She has been in contact with her aunt, uncle, and even her father.  She has not met any of them in person but they have still accepted her.  Her dad is in jail and I'm not sure if she is totally ready to meet him in jail yet or not.  But he does live  the closest to her.  She is in Utah and he is in as she calls it Boise State.  Her grandparents on her dad's side live in New Mexico, her uncle lives in Oklahoma, I don't remember where her aunt lives right now

When Alyssa first got in contact with  her paternal side I told her do not give them my contact information.  Even 19 years later I did not want contact with her father because of how he was when I knew him. I had absolutely hoped he had changed and grew up.  I had hoped he would be a good functioning member of society.  I hoped for my daughter that he would be a great example to her.

I am still not in contact with her dad at all but she is and she writes him letters.  I am glad he writes her back and accepts her.  She is the only one of his 8 kids that is in contact with him.  Her Uncle Mike on his side has been awesome to her.  I am in contact with him also.  He is helping us find her family history.   I can trace my roots back to the 1600's and pretty easily come up with a family tree that has names, dates, kids, and spouses.  Her dad's family doesn't have that yet.  So he is helping us find names and dates of her great grandparents.  I figure we can work farther back after that.  We did find out that her great grandmother is full Cherokee Indian.  She also has Native American blood ties on her dad's father's side.  I just want  to help her find names. I think she deserves to have that.   She also is 1/4 Danish on my side.    She is definitely a mix of a little of everything.

Her family history is not the same as her adoptive parents.  They have their family history and stories so why should my daughter not just because she was adopted?  I think in ways it is more important for her to have it because her ties have been cut from her natural family.  She didn't grow up with stories of her ancestors.  She didn't grow up with  knowing any natural  family.  She deserved to have had these since birth so it is now time to start looking, after all she has waited almost 19 years.

I have found there to be both good and bad in this blog world.  I know I put myself out there by having this opened to the public.  I have also found some amazing womae, adoptees, natural moms, and adoptive moms through blogging.  I have seen a side of my oldest daughter that I wouldn't have seen without this blogging world.  I do love to read her words.  I try to see things in her perspective and make sure I take nothing personally.  It's her feelings and her views.

I found a good friend through this blogging world too.  I have been able to see adoption through adoptees point of view.  I am very grateful adult adoptees have been able to have the courage to express themselves through blogging.  I do know how scary it is to sometimes write my feelings down and hopefully not get beaten up for them.  I'm sure it is so much harder for adoptees than it is for me.  Adoption is about the adoptee.  I have seen the good, bad, and ugly through their personal experiences. 

Through the sadness and pain of adoption I have found a way to make a difference too.   I hope I can make a difference to even one person that won't see them selves as less than because of a metal bind on their left hand.    I won't give out the details yet.  It's not my idea, but Melynda's idea, and when she is ready to launch it I will write more about it.  I am definitely excited about it and can't wait to help her with this idea.

november 30

I'm doing 2 posts today.  I forgot to post one yesterday.  But this first post is the conversation my 12 year old daughter and I had.

This morning the news mentioned Jaycee Dugard missing for close to 18 years.  I looked at Cassie and said wow can you imagine your child being kidnapped for 18 years?  She said, Yeah mom I can, look at Alyssa.  She was missing from our life for 18 years.  There was 4 years we didn't even know if she was alive.  Most of her life we didn't know if she was happy or sad or if she even felt loved.  We didn't know if she was being abused or even felt safe.

Adoption in so many ways does feel like a kidnapping.  I understand that it is not the same but it feels similar. 

When you place a child you don't get condolences or sympathy, you are expected to get over it, you do not get support from family and friends.  If you are lucky you might have someone in your life that lets you talk about it for the first year, but after the first year you really should be over the loss of adoption, or so says society.  There is no support and people pretend it never happened.  In all respects you are expected to move on and just get over the loss of adoption.  It doesn't happen for the natural moms or adoptees we will never be over the loss of each other.

Good bye November Adoption Be-wareness month is over.  I will still be blogging but I'm not so sure about daily blogging.  I will continue blogging for natural mothers but most importantly for adoptees that have lost their families, their origins, for adoptees that feel alone and abandoned. 

Jeannette

November 29- Open adoption

If you are looking to place with an open adoption there are some things you might want to think about

First what do you consider open?  What does the PAP consider open?  How different are your opinions?  Have the PAP signed an agreement stating what they are willing to do to maintain an open adoption?  That should be done before your rights are signed away.

My daughters adoption was considered open in some people's eyes because I got pictures for a few years and letters yearly.  No identifying information was ever exchanged.  Would you consider that opened?  Is that the kind of adoption you want?

Are all visits, agreed upon? If you want to see your child weekly or monthly for the next 18 years that should be included in  an agreement.  If you are told that you can stop by anytime you are having a rough day and miss your child that needs to be included.

Have you been referred to as a birth mother while you are pregnant by the agency or PAP?  You are NOT a "birth" mother until you sign away your rights.  After you sign you are a natural mother, don't allow the agencies terms to be placed on you.  PAL belittles natural mothers and their children.  That is one of the way agencies convince you to place.  They make you think of yourself as this child's birth mother not the mother.  Once they have conquered that wall the rest is easy.  If you have it in your head that you are only a "vehicle" to make someone else parents, than they have made their money.  They know that you now are a very easy prey. 

When you are in labor make it very clear who can see you and when while you are in the hospital.  If you change your mind about when people can see you they need to respect that.  Do not let an agency camp out at the hospital.  If an agency representative is in your room more than once a day they should be asked by the hospital staff to leave.  Agencies have been known to use the camping out method to put pressure on women to sign away their rights
Every PAP couple should be using the proper term of mother not the agency term of "birth mother".  If the PAP have not spent the time and energy finding out what it is really like for a natural mother and adoptee then they have no business looking into adopting a child.  The same amount of time and energy that is placed on finding a baby should be equal to the time and energy spent on really finding out what it is like to be an adoptee or first mother. Do more research than just listening to the agency and their panel.  The panel is hand picked by the agency.  They only tell a very small part of the whole experience. 

Have the PAP promised the moon and stars?  If the PAP have promised so much prebirth is it because they are desperate for a baby and will say anything?  Have they taken you out to dinner and got to know you?  Have they become your closest friend and confident?  If you were not pregnant would they be in your life?  Would they want anything to do with you if you were not pregnant and considering placing with them?

Did you know that according to Bethany Christian Adoption Agency services 80% of their open adoptions close within the first few year?  Would you ever consider having a surgery with an 80% chance of death? Of course not, why would you risk at least an 80% chance of no contact with your child?  Will you be okay knowing that the adoption closed?  Would you be okay not knowing if your child was alive, dead, happy, sad, or abused?

Why haven't adoption agencies put in place legally binding open adoption agreements?  That is simple adoption is about making money.  Its a muli-billion dollar industry.  The ones paying are the PAP the goal is too make adoption easier on the PAP. 

I have been told that the highest rate of adoption is in Utah County.  Shouldn't Utah have the best laws for the protection of mom, dad, and baby?  Utah has the best laws for PAP.  On top of that Utah has a society stuck in the 1950 or 1960 time period.  If you are pregnant and single you are expected to place.  Most of the country is okay with single parenting, but not Utah. 

My daughter's good friend got pregnant this past year. She lives in Utah, and wants to single parent.  She had just in the first 3 months of her pregnancy many people including at the hospital try to refer her to LDSFS.  Why would a hospital even mention adoption to any woman that is considering to single parent.  Isn't that a place to help people medically?  They are not there to judge or give their moral opinions.  Do you see why I think it is hard to single parent when you have everyone around you tell you that you can't,  You are not enough, you need a ring on your finger.  You really are not given a choice.  I think we would all be in an uproar if the case was this girl was being coerced at the hospital and by well meaning adults to have an abortion but because it's adoption and the loving choice we are okay with it as a society.

Thanksgiving weekend

We made it through Thanksgiving.  We headed over to my in-laws house about 11am on Thursday.  I was helping with the cooking.   I made some of the best mashed potatoes I ever head.  On the way over to dinner I started tearing up and then had to stop the tears from falling.  I didn't want my kids to see and I didn't want anyone to worry about me.  After all there isn't anyone that can change the facts.  And really unless you are a natural mom or adoptee you really can't understand the pain. 

I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving.  I know that helped her so much.  Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa.  She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen.  I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper.  I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day.  I really hope that continues.

Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque.  Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great.  My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws.  My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind.  She can understand me like few people can.  Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great.   She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.

On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down.  Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family.  My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going.  There are no pretenses.  The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility.  No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.  

On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary.  We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids.  I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend.  We just did some small shopping together.  It was really fun.

 I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone.  We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives.  She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too.  That really made my weekend.  Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away.  As her natural mom I do sometimes a lot of times feel like I am less of a mom.  Alyssa told me, "You know mom just because you didn't change my (expletive) diapers 8 times a day doesn't make you any less of my mom."   Have I said that I love her so much.  I could never have asked for a better daughter. 

Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales.  Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday.  We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family.  We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year.  Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.

Today we tried going back to church.  We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born.  I couldn't make it through.  It's just not something I can handle right now.  And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back.  Not when my emotions are this close to the surface.  I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time.  Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.

I want more

2 years ago I would have done anything to know Alyssa's adopted name.  I thought if i just knew that and her Aparents name it would be enough.  A little over a year ago I thought I would be fine with being able to be friends with Alyssa on face book.  Once we were friends on face book I thought maybe just talking on the phone would be enough.  Once we talked on the phone I thought maybe meeting in person just once would fill up the whole in my heart.  Now I am saying if I could just have one holiday with my daughter that is all I want. 

Today is just rough, I want more I guess.  I know it is selfish to want my daughter with me when it's just as important to her Aparents that she is with them.  I cried a few times today just because the pain is pretty raw today.   I know I'm supposed to be thankful but I'm not feeling it. 

From the adoptees I know personally it is the same for them.  One of Alyssa's friends who is adopted asked me to help her find her natural mom.  She said she didn't want to meet or anything just wanted to know her natural mom's name.  that's all just wanted her mom's name.  She now has her natural mom's name and wants more.  She wants to know what her natural mom looks like.  Once she knows where her mom is and what she looks like will she want a relationship with her natural mom?  Will it be enough for her?

November 23

I am going to make this very short.  Last night Kenny got cut on his hand at the Boy scout Court of Honor. HE is the only kid that I know that can hurt himself at a place where they are giving out awards and food.   We took him to the ER and he got glued instead of stitches.  He also had to get a tetanus shot.  He is totally worn out today.  Those shots are more painful than the cut itself.

 As we were headed over to the ER after we got the bleeding reduced.  I thought I should let Alyssa know what was going on.  I am afraid that she feels left out of our lives since she lives so far away.  I sometimes feel as if I don't include her enough in family things and let her know what is going on.  Mom guilt is so much fun.

Last night I was thinking that it would have been really nice for Alyssa to be at my house since Alex and Cassie were home alone getting ready for bed.  Alyssa handles Cassie so well, where as Alex being a 16year old boy has no maternal instinct.

November 22

I am a bit down today not only is Owen almost 4 months old but I have another Holiday season without all of my kids.   My sisters and nieces have asked me if Alyssa is going to be joining us for Thanksgiving or Christmas.  I have to tell them no not this year.  I know she doesn't want to hurt her aparents.  I truly do understand that plus she gets paid more to work the holidays.  I know I am being absolutely selfish for wanting my daughter and grandson for the holidays, but I still want to see them.  I'm tired of always putting every one's needs in front of my own when it comes to adoption and wanting time with my daughter. 

 I am beyond frustrated at LDSFS.  A few weeks ago my daughter asked for her non-identifying  and identifying information from them.  She was told she could not get her identifying information.  She wants proof that she has gone through the right process to get her OBC.  So we started the process first with non id, then id, then last we will try to get her OBC.  So she calls up her closest LDSFS in Utah.  They did not ask her what state she was born in.  They did not ask what state the adoption was finalized in.  They just told her she was not allowed to get her identifying information.  Without knowing what state she was born in and the adoption finalized in how can they tell her what she is allowed and not allowed to have.  I called up my local LDSFS in California and told them what Alyssa was told in Utah.  They said have her call up a LDSFS again and ask to talk to someone else.  She is allowed to get her identifying information. 

Last week LDSFS called up my daughter to pick up her non-identifying information.  My daughter asked them how she can get her OBC.  The lady at LDSFS actually told her that her original OBC gets destroyed when the adoption is finalized.  Really?  What kind of people work at adoption agencies?  If they are misleading adoptees after they turn 18 how can we trust them as natural mothers to have our best interest at heart?  My daughter who knows the facts about adoption laws is being mislead.  What are they telling all of the other adoptees wanting to search? 

I keep reading that very few adoptees actually search and want to know their natural families.  Is that really true or is it they are given the wrong information from agencies so they won't search?  This is the agency that we trusted to help us make the most difficult decision of our life and now when we have adult children they lie to them. 

November 21 - open adoption

According to our culture there is now open adoption.  The kinder gentler version of adoption.  What do you consider open adoption? I consider open adoption when a natural family can see the child when they ask to.  The child can get to know their family.  I do not consider it open if the Aparents have to check there schedule and get back to you.  When my nieces or other family members want to see me I don't check my schedule and then tell them I will let them know later when we can get together.  They call me and we usually get together that day or within 3 days at the most after.  Why? Because I am not putting them off or avoiding them.  I want to see them as soon as possible.  If adoption is "the loving decision".  Shouldn't it be a two way street?  Should it always be the natural mother making the ultimate sacrifice?  Shouldn't the Aparents put aside some of there fear and jealousy and make a sacrice too?

My daughters adoption was considered open because we exchanged letters annually through  the adoption agency.  We did not ever exchange identifying information, no names, address, or pictures for the first 15 years.  I did receive pictures of my daughter until she was about 4.  No other family members were allowed in the pictures.  They did not receive pictures of me, that was against the rules according to LDSFS.

According to NCFA there should not be laws to allow natural parents to see there children.  According to NCFA open adoption is okay but circumstances change after adoption and PAP should not be obligated to keep there promises to natural parents according to this article https://www.adoptioncouncil.org/images/stories/documents/461-468_PM0000_CH43.pdf

National Council for Adoption is not an advocate for natural parents or adoptees, it is an advocate for adoptive parents only.  I was absolutely surprised by this article.  So basically the article says if the adoptive parents change there minds about openess once the adoption is finalized then the natural family is screwed and just deal with it. 

Now if something happens between myself and my kids and I want to see my grand kids I have the legal right as a grandparent unless I am deemed unfit by law.  There is such a thing as grandparents right and visitation can be legally enforced.  But for a child that is adopted out of the family we have no legal rights to see our flesh and blood no matter what was promised preadoption.  We can be woman of the year but still deemed unfit to see our own flesh and blood by the adoptive couple.

How many kids do you have?

About 6 weeks ago we went to a reunion at my husbands Elementary school. He went to a Catholic Elementary school from K to 8th grade.  Every year they have a big carnival festival every year and they have a place for the alumni to reunite.  So there I am a nice quiet Mormon girl at a Catholic school reunion.   My husband was talking to old friends that he hasn't seen for years.  Our kids are wandering around being bored and alternatively playing hide and go seek.  He was talking to old friends, people he sees only every few years.  They asked how many kids we have.  He answered 3.  I was seriously hurt to my core.  I wasn't angry I was just devastated.  After I asked him why he didn't say 4?  Which of my 4 kids did he leave out?  Because I have 4 kids.  He said he wasn't sure how to answer that when he was asked.  But he said if it meant so much to me, and it is true after all, then he will say we have 4 kids. One simple question and so many answers.

We are on a bit of uncharted territory, no one tells you any of this.   No one really tells you about reunion and reuniting as a family.  The most I was ever told was that we might never meet, that my daughter probably would have no desire to meet me.  But I could get identifying information when my daughter turned 21 if the laws did not change and my daughter signed a consent form. 

Usually at our house we don't sit down and discuss adoption or how many kids we have.  A lot of things have changed over this last year.  First of all the biggest is we are reunited and we are all crazy about this long lost daughter, sister, niece, cousin.  Second thing was we lost another person to adoption. My daughter now knows the pain of being an adoptee which she always lived with but now a natural mother too.  That in itself is a huge change. 

When we were just writing letters Jeremy started writing my daughter.   I never asked him to he just did it.  Since we have reunited my husband has treated my daughter as if she were his.  He is very gentle, a little quiet, but a great sense of compassion.  He always knows right from wrong and does what is morally right.  He never brings up adoption unless I do.   He sometimes doesn't see me eye to eye on everything but when it comes to adoption he doesn't debate it.  Adoption is way too personal for me.  The thing that took away part of my heart and soul.  The thing that has taken away my daughter and grandson that is the one thing I will not debate.

Genetics

I was talking with Alyssa yesterday and she was telling me how her boyfriend's mom was commenting how thin Alyssa was.  I have met this woman she has seen that I am on the small side but Alyssa's Aparents are bigger than I am.  Alyssa just looked at her and said I take after my real mom.  I know some people will be offended by her term of real mom.  But each person is allowed to choose how they refer to all of their parents.

I don't know about any other natural moms but Alyssa and I both lost our baby weight within a few weeks after placing our first child for adoption.  Alyssa is about a size 4 only 3 and a half months after having Owen.  Shoot I lost about 5 to 7 pounds after she placed Owen.  That is just the way our bodies deal with high stress.  Surrendering a child is extreme high stress.  I deal with the death of a family member better than I deal with the loss of my first child and grandchild to adoption.    A death is expected. we  know everyone will die.  Losing a family member to adoption is tragic you never expect to lose any family members to adoption.  You don't expect laws to try to break ties to ancestors and descendants.

I know people expect you to look like your parents including your adoptive parents but you have no genetic linkage to your adoptive parents.  You look as much like them as any genetic stranger.  So often when people have met Alyssa and realize how much she looks like me and that we have the same mannerism they are surprised.  After all I didn't raise her so how can she take after me?  How is it possible that we are so in tuned to each other?  It's very simple.  There is and always will be a bond between mother and child.  We know things instinctively about each other and we are wired the same way because genetically she is half me.

November 18 - Adoption - Falsified documents

Is adoption as it is today justified, right or moral? I don't believe it is.  In adoption, a child's birth certificate is replaced by a falsified birth certificate - an amended birth certificate.  Even my daughter at a very young age couldn't understand why her aparents were listed on her birth certificate.  They adopted her they never gave birth to her they do not share her DNA, linage, or her family.   A child can see that it isn't right, how as adults do we justify it?  A child's name is changed, the parents are changed,  sometimes the birth date is changed, and even the city and county can be changed.  Can we get anymore false of a document?

 If you believe that that practice is honorable then by all means, continue to believe in adoption.  I do not approve that any birth certificate is  sealed  by our government because another set of parents wanted to parent a child. The same goal can be accomplished by guardianship which does not seal and falsify a child’s birth certificate. Nor does Guardianship destroy  any ongoing visitation, contact,  and relationship building with the child’s extended natural family. Adoption tries to destroy these bonds.

Falsified birth certificates changes an adoptee’s identity and that is an immoral intended consequence of adopting a child. Provide a home with parents, but keep the child’s birth identity intact!  Guardianship by a caring couple only after all other possible solutions to the child’s care are exhausted.   The only humane thing in adoption is to keep all natural ties.  I know it is hard on the adoptive couple.  After all they want a child.  They didn't want an extended family.  But no child is a blank slate.  Every single child has parents,  has ancestors, is already wired with their looks and personality.  I know the concern is "but what if the natural parents bond too much with their child?"  Of course they will bond.  They have bonded for 9 months before the child was adopted.  I am still bonded with my daughter even though we were separated for 18 years.  That does not mean a child will not learn to bond with adoptive parents too.  Do we bond with more than 1 sibling?  Do we bond with more than one aunt, uncle, friend, grandparent?  Then a child can bond with multiple parents too.

A child's birth certificate should NEVER be sealed and NEVER falsified and those are consequences to the adoptee of the adoption process. This affects the identity of the adoptee forever, and that of their children and subsequent generations.  It is very hard to do a  genealogical search and find documents to prove lineage once an adoption takes place. An adoptee’s lineage is sealed upon adoption. That is immoral, unjust, unethical as if the adoptee is an owned person.  The child by law is no longer part of his, family, tribe, or ancestors.  The child has been bought and now belongs to a whole new family.  Yes I consider when you pay for and get a receipt you have bought a child.   I know the positive adoption language is adopt but it really is the same thing.