Tahoe time

I hadn't seen Alyssa since October and we were both having a hard time with that.  She finally had off 3 days in a row so we decided to meet up in Tahoe.  Tuesday night we headed up from the Bay Area to Tahoe.  We had about a 4 hour drive,  Alyssa was leaving from Utah Wednesday morning and driving the 8 hours to Tahoe.  She was bringing her new boyfriend for us to meet.  Wednesday during the day we went up to "the village"  to look around and do some window shopping.  The kids went sledding and we played card games while we waited for Alyssa to show up. 

She finally arrived around 5:30 Wednesday.  It happened to be her boyfriends birthday too.  We had homemade chili that was amazing.  My husband makes great turkey chili, Alyssa even grabbed the recipe so she could make it at home.  As a surprise for Ian, Alyssa's boyfriend, I had made a small cake for his birthday. He was shocked that we would do that.  He is such a great guy.  He is definitely the type of person I have wanted my daughter to date.  He constantly puts her needs ahead of his owns, he opens doors for her, he listens to her, he validates her opinions, he makes her feel  special and wanted.  I know it is new in their relationship but he is the type of person I want in my daughters life.  He does have tattoos and piercings but those things don't reflect the person, at least in my eyes.  He was so happy to just hang out with us.  We didn't do anything crazy or go out and discover new places.  We hung out, talked, laugh, and played card games, went in the spa, and enjoyed being together.  Ian just easily played games with Kenny and Alex as Alyssa and I just talked.  He didn't try to make sure she was paying attention to him, there was no jealousy from Ian when she sat by her brothers.  It was relaxing and we were instantly comfortable around each other.

I will admit I was nervous about meeting this new boyfriend.  I was worried he wouldn't like us.  I was worried that he would be horrible for her.  I was worried that he couldn't fully understand and accept my daughter as a natural mom. I was worried that he wouldn't understand our relationship after all I am only her "birth mom". To a lot of people not touched ran over by adoption they think us natural moms should disappear out of our children's life.

 How many 18 or 19 year old men can understand and support a natural mom?  How many are willing to listen to the pain, hear us talk, and not turn away.  I have found 2 men at just 18 years old that have the maturity to try to understand our pain.  The first was my husband and the other one is Ian.  He is not perfect on every level but neither is Alyssa, but they seem to be good for each other.  I can tell he truly cares about my daughters feelings.  I really adore him.  Even if they do not work out as a couple I see them having a very strong friendship.  He has only seen pictures of Owen but he accepts Owen as my daughters son.  Ian doesn't see Owen as a child that will come back to haunt her but  just as my daughter's son. 

Alyssa's last boyfriend was always all over her physically when I was around.  It was as if he was claiming ownership.  Ian was very aware that we are her parents and to show us respect by giving Alyssa distance physically.  He would hold her hand but not try to make out with her in front us.  He seemed just as happy to sit by Jeremy as he was to sit by Alyssa.  I see a glimpse of  Alyssa being naturally happy when she is around Ian.  I don't see her trying to be happy but really being relaxed and happy.  I have wanted this for her for so long.  I teasingly asked Ian where was he a year ago. 

We had a blast Wednesday night and Thursday we went back to the village.  Jer worked by answering phones and doing emails.  Luckily for him the Starbucks has free internet.  Ian, Kenny, Alex, and Cassie went ice skating while Alyssa and I talked.  Us girls went window shopping too.  The day was very relaxing.  After we got back to the cabin the 3 younger kids went sledding.  It was more ice than snow though.  Ian had fell earlier ice skating and got his knee swelling pretty well.  He was okay just a bit sore. 

That night for dinner we had spaghetti and then went to the spa again.  Everyone over 18 went in the spa while the teenagers went to play video games.  After we got back home we made smores.  Oh so yummy, there is something about mountains and snow that makes me want to make smores.  Alyssa asked if she can sleep in my bed that night.  So Cassie, Alyssa, and I shared a bed.  It was so sweet to have both of my daughters with me.  They both love to cuddle while they sleep too.

Friday morning we cleaned up to get ready to leave to go to our separate homes.  Alyssa and I kept getting side tracked and talked alone while we were supposed to be packing.  Cassie, Alyssa, and I cried for a bit too.  We never seem to have enough time together.  We had to get some family pictures so we drove over to the lake and went to my husband's grandfather's cabin.  I have wanted to take her her for so long.  Every year we have family pictures taken on the rocks at Lake Tahoe but Alyssa has always been missing.  We finally got them taken.  Alyssa almost instantly recognized the spot where we took the pictures.  When she was stalking me on facebook, before we met, I had set my profile picture as one of Jer and I on the same rocks. 

It looks like I am going to be going out to Utah the beginning of March to spend a few days there and then we are going to drive out to California together.  Ian and Alyssa will be in California with us for a week.  I can't wait  to see them again. I will also be able to see Owen when I go out to Utah in March.  I can't wait to see that adorable little boy.  I can't wait to see my daughter hold her son again. 

Adoption Study going around the blogosphere

Adoption statistics for mothers who place a child for adoption

Significantly, unwed mothers who choose adoption do better than mothers who choose to be single parents:

• They have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty and receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.
• They delay marriage longer are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce.
• They are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• They are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

Source: McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them? Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb., 1988), pp. 25-32

Adoption statistics for adopted children

Adopted children do as well as or better than their non-adopted counterparts, according to a 1994 study by the Search Institute, a Minneapolis-based public policy research organization providing leadership, knowledge and resources to promote healthy children, youth and communities. This study, the largest examination of adopted adolescents yet undertaken, concludes:

• Teens who were adopted at birth are more likely than children born into intact families to live with two parents in a middle-class family.
• Adopted children score higher than their middle-class counterparts on indicators of school performance, social competency, optimism and volunteerism.
• Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use and theft.
• Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own judgment, self-directedness, positive view of others and feelings of security within their families
.
• On health measures, adopted children and children of intact families share similarly high scores, and both those groups score significantly higher than children raised by single parents.
• Seven percent of children adopted in infancy repeated a grade, while 12 percent of children living with both biological parents repeated a grade.
• Compared with the general child population, children placed with adoptive couples are better off economically.

Data indicates that adopted children:

• Do better in educational attainment than single parent children and children raised by grandparents.
• Enjoy a quality of home environment superior to all the other groups.
• Have superior access to health care compared to all other groups

The above Study has gone around the blogosphere promoting adoption.  Can you really see anything bad about it?  Come on obviously adoption is great for everyone. Shoot it is so great I have no idea why everyone doesn't place all of their children for adoption. The adoptee is much brighter and well rounded then if they lived with their natural family.  Obviously adoptive parents surpass natural parents.  I will not speak for adoptees because several have already explained why the adopted children seem to do better than natural children.  I can easily explain the side of the natural mother though. 

Lets take the first point:

They have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty and receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.

Well if you do not have to worry about daycare, feedings, and normal mother duties and the reason why you placed is because of money wouldn't you have aspirations of high education?  A lot of times natural moms have to throw them selves into something to survive such a loss.  For a lot of natural moms the goal is work, education, marry, and then get pregnant.  We try to do those things as fast as possible but each will take a significant amount of time.  Where as immediately after you have a baby you start paying for things so you have to get to work and not necessarily be going to school or see a viable way to continue your schooling.   Of course most parents that keep instead of place will live in poverty temporarily and receive some sort of public assistance.   If they had all financial needs taken care of they would never think of placing.  Does poverty/poor mean bad parents though?

Second point:

They delay marriage longer are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce.

Duh of course they delay marriage longer.  Since the mother is no longer tied to the father legally she will more likely delay marriage longer.  She will not be looking for a father figure for her child.  I can tell you exactly why women are less likely to divorce after relinquishment, you feel as though placing your child will be used against you.  Almost any fate in life is easier to deal with than losing another child. 

Third point:

They are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

Well when you are having a hard time looking for work around child care needs and you take off time for doctors appointments and sick babies you are more likely to lose your job.  Having a child out of wedlock is terrifying after you have placed.  You are so scared and afraid.  Any fate is better than another unplanned pregnancy.  I wonder if this "study" also has taken into account the number of women that are infertile after placement?  That would lower the percentage of women having out of wedlock babies after placement too.  

Fourth point:

They are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

I did find the study below and it goes totally against the above study.  I wonder if 24% of woman suffer from depression when they are single mothers.  12% of natural mothers needing inpatient treatment as the study below indicates.  I think the above statement is a bunch of BS.  I can tell you comparatively I have suffered much more negatively than my sister who kept.  We grew up in the same family, we were raised the same way, we even had our first child at the same age.

“While only an insignificant proportion of birth mothers had been diagnosed with a mental health problem before adoption (three percent), in the time between the parting and contact, 24 percent had psychiatric diagnosis mainly for depression, with half of them having inpatient treatment."This is from the most comprehensive follow-up survey of first mothers after surrender, one done published by the British Association for Adoption & Fostering, the leading UK-wide membership organization for all those concerned with adoption, fostering and child care issues

And then there is this study below that I'm sure not one adoption agency would touch.

Google “suicide and adoption” and what pops up is an entry from Pediatrics, “Adoption as a Risk Factor for Attempted Suicide during Adolescence.”[2] The main conclusion of the three authors? Adolescents who live with adoptive parents are more likely than their peers to attempt suicide. The researchers at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine looked at more than 6,500 students in grades seven through twelve and found that nearly eight percent (7.6) of those who were adopted had attempted suicide in the past year, compared with only three percent of their peers. They were also more likely to receive psychological counseling, nearly seventeen percent (16.9) of adopted youth compared with eight percent  (8.2) of the non-adopted.

This week

We have kept awfully busy.  Kenny and Cassie have had 2 concerts, Jer had one evening work meeting, Jer had 2 scout meetings this week, and I have had one major meeting.  Put that on top of the normal school, work, and running kids around everywhere and I am ready for a day off. 

Cassie's concert was the major fundraiser of the year for her orchestra.  I had been in charge of keeping track of the money for tickets, donations, silent auction, and the giving tree.  This concert was not done at the school but downtown at a major venue.  The kids felt like professionals.  Friday was the concert so volunteers and the students arrived around 1:30.  We had to set up the instruments, silent auction, and t-shirt sells.  As the kids were practicing they still seemed to be rambunctious teenagers.  While the different groups practiced us volunteers had to corral the other kids and keep them quiet and calm as possible.  Then at 6:30 the kids changed into their all black matching orchestra attire.  As they came back in there demeanour started to change.  They quieted down as they became more nervous.  They watched as their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and friends slowly came in.  Everyone was dressed up.  We had people that were in the building for other reasons come up to see when the performance started after they heard these kids practice.  We ended up selling close to 700 tickets.

The intermediate, advanced, and chamber students started the concert at 7:30pm.  They were absolutely amazing.  I am so glad my kids have been involved with this amazing program.  I truly appreciate the time their teacher has put into with our kids.  I have known this teacher for 4 years and he is the best teacher I ever met in my entire life.  I seriously have never met a better teacher and I am so glad my kids have had him for so many years. 

Yesterday we had a baby shower for my mother-in-laws god daughter.  Of course I could not say no to helping with this also. It was so cute and fun.  After that we had tickets to the hockey game.  I did not go because we were one ticket short for the family.  Mid day, as if we did not have enough going on Ken had his concert.  His was a much smaller one at the high school.  He enjoyed laying.  He absolutely loves the viola.

Today I have spent most of the day adding up the final sales.  I have to have spreadsheets finished and all money in the right accounts by Tuesday.  This coming Tuesday we are headed up to Tahoe for 3 days.  We are meeting Alyssa and her new boyfriend there.  We are all super excited and tomorrow night we have to spend the evening packing.  Well after the scout meeting we will be packing. 

Put yourself in my shoes

I am trying to write this eloquently but the words are not coming to me right now.  I hope I can convey what I feel without anger and bitterness.  I have often wondered about adoptive parents.  Since I am not one and would never adopt a newborn I can not speak for them.

 I am totally against prospective adoptive parents being in the hospital when a child is born.  The child is not theirs.  It adds to the pressure of mothers to place when adoptive parents are in the hospital and take claim to the child before the child is placed for adoption.  Every mother and child deserves the time to bond.  Every mother deserves time (more than 48 hours) with her child.  The mother should not have to put the adoptive couples feelings ahead of her own especially right after delivery.  The adoptive couple is not paper pregnant, the child did not grow in their hearts.  Adoptive parents should not take claim to the child before the mother and father signs surrender papers.  This includes referring to themselves as "the parents", thanking the mother for the "gift" hours after birth, and not giving the mother room to make the decision to surrender. I understand the adoptive couple wants the child and see the child as theirs, but the child is not theirs and the mother deserves the respect and space to fully make the decision without pressure.  Surrendering a child will affect the mother and child for the rest of their lives, allow them peace to make the decision.  Leave the mother a way out so she doesn't feel obligated to place.  Is having respect and love for the mother of your prospective child that hard?  Is putting another persons feelings ahead of your own that difficult?

 I want to know how adoptive parents come to terms if they know the main reason a child is being placed is because of lack of money from the mother.  If they know the mother could make a good parent given a few resources? Adoption is not the answer to infertility.  Adoption does not change the fact that the child will never truly be ONLY the adoptive parents child, the child will always have other parents.  Adoption does not make the child look and act like the adoptive parents.  Adoption does not replace what a biological child would have been.

Children should be adopted when they are orphaned and no one from their family can or are willing to take care of them.  When a woman decides without coercion to place then and only then should a woman place. 

I wonder how often adoptive parents look fully into all aspects of adoption.  Would they read books like Primal Wound?  Or is it easier not to read those books?  Would they read The Girls Who Went Away?  Would they read studies about the suicide and depression rate after surrender by natural mothers?  Would they read studies about higher suicide rate in adoptees during teenage years?  Or is the only thing important is the fact that they can cover up their infertility by raising someone else's child?  How many adoptive parents even know what an Original Birth Certificate is?  How many adoptive parents would truly help their child get their OBC?  Not just words but action in getting their child's OBC.

I personally have never been contemplated suicide over adoption.  There have been times I did not know how I would make it through another day living with being a natural mom.  The thing that truly got me through was I wanted to be able to tell Alyssa my truth.  I didn't want her to think I was weak or that she ruined me.  Also since I did have my other children so fast after her I couldn't leave them, I couldn't let them grow up without me.  I do understand the reason why natural moms commit suicide, I understand their lows, I understand not wanting to hurt one more moment, I understand not being able to wait until your child is 18 or 21 to tell them your truth and to get to know your child.  I understand the pain that is caused by relinquishment.  I understand that it never truly goes away.  Do adoptive parents understand this?  Have they ever considered suicide because of infertility?  How many infertile couples that do not adopt have either partner committed suicide directly because they could not parent their own child? 

According to  Triseliotis, John, Julia Feast, & Fiona Kyle, The Adoption Triangle Revisited (2005), p. 91. “While only an insignificant proportion of birth mothers had been diagnosed with a mental health problem before adoption (three percent), in the time between the parting and contact, 24 percent had psychiatric diagnosis mainly for depression, with half of them having inpatient treatment."

 I understand that society and especially adoptive parents sees it as well you (as natural parents) should be comforted because you eased the adoptive couples pain.  You allowed them to be parents.  Someone that is ready and wanting to be parents.  I have heard besides you can have more kids.   While that may be true it is not always.  According to different reports up to 40%  of natural mothers do not have more children after relinquishment.

I hope more PAP read about adoption.  Not the bright glorious side or the saving a baby from poverty side. I hope more PAP read fully about adoption. The side agencies don't want them to find out about. If PAP coupes actually read these blogs that talk about natural mothers and adoptees pain and tried to understand it from the other 2 parts of the triad would they adopt?  Or would they put blinders on?  It is easier not to see others pain.  It is easier to think but my situation is different.  My child will be different, my child's natural parents won't hurt for that long.  Covering up the pain or being silent about the pain does not make the pain any less sever.

Pressure and coercion

Please read this first.  It is a very well written blog by Robin.  She always writes well and gets me thinking.  She is a mom from the BSE/EMS.  We both lost our children through adoption but about 20 to 30 years apart (I think).  It is so sad that even today, almost 19 years after I placed Alyssa  with our freedom and "open minded"  society that when an unmarried woman gets pregnant in her teens to early 20s she is pressured to place her child.  I am sure that the person giving the advice to place is doing from their heart.  They do not realize how it will fully affect a woman and her child for the rest of her life.  If adopters and society truly knew how the loss of your child through adoption affects both mother and child through out their lives adoption rates would go down even more. 


 Isn't it amazing that when your hormones are going crazy, when your fertility is high, when you have the most energy that is when it is best for your body to be pregnant and take care of toddlers.  Even as early as 27 years old your fertility rate starts to decline.  According to some studies by the time you are 30 your fertility rate goes down by 90%.  Our society looks down on woman when they allow nature to happen.  When women are too young, do not have a full college education and have not put in 10 years into their careers we as a society don't think they should have babies.   We think of young moms as welfare moms.  Moms that will never have anything, babies having babies.  I still hear that I am a baby having babies.  My kids are teenagers and I'm only 35.  Most of my kids friends parents are 50 or older.(Did that even make sense to you?  I hope so.)   Some of us do need a hand up and help from our community but that does not mean that we are worthless or stupid or not good enough for our own children.  I remember when I was 4 to 6 months pregnant with Alyssa my older "caring" brother looked at me said "Why would you do this to yourself?  You are going to get fat, ugly, and no man will ever want you once you have this baby"  Amazing family support, there.  Yes brother I used a turkey baster and did this all by myself, I also stole sperm from an unwilling guy.  Isn't it great that girls can get themselves in "that" situation alone.

What people don't always think about is that is actually the best time fertility wise to get pregnant is when you are young, when you do have the energy.  It is much harder to get pregnant once you wait for the ideal time.  I will tell you by the time I am 45 I will have all of my kids grown with the youngest being 22.  My full education can wait until then.  My desires to climb the corporate ladder can wait.  My children are much more important than monetary things.  Nothing can replace them.  We do not have the biggest house but we do manage.  The kids do not have their own horse, when they turn 16 we do not buy them a car, they are not given everything their hearts desires.  They have learned to manage with the necessities.  I have learned to cook well so we don't eat out.  I have learned to save money well.  I have only had a pedicure once my whole life and never have I gone and gotten a massage at a spa.  Do I feel deprived?  Absolutely not those things are not a big deal to me.


I was talking to Alyssa yesterday and we had talked about her good friend that is 4 months pregnant.  Since this girl, L, found out she was pregnant adoption has been brought up a lot to her.  She wants her baby, she wants to raise him/her.  She is this child's mom.  The society she lives in, Utah,  does not see her as good enough.  Why isn't she good enough?  Simply she doesn't have a ring on her finger and a degree.  A piece of metal is making people judge her.  Who has the right to pressure to a woman to place her child?  If these people who are her family and friends truly loved her they would be supporting her.  They would try to help her.  She would not be handed PAP literature.  She would not be given business cards and "dear birthmom" letters by PAPs and their friends.  She would not have been told that she won't make a good parent, that she will ruin this baby and her life.  She would not have been told that someone would love to raise her child.  She would love to raise her own child.  She is this child's mom.  She would not be advised to just go to LDSFS to see all of her options.  All of her options? Really?  Do they advise on getting an abortion?  No they give half truths only. They show studies on how the adopted fair so much better than the non adopted but they do not give studies showing higher suicide rates in teens that are adopted.   
L has been told that she will need help to raise her child and her family wont help.  Duh of course she will need help.  Don't we all?  I have a good supportive family that has helped me raise my 3 kids.  I call on my mom for advice.  She is the one I go to when I wonder if the kids need to go to the doctor, if they need stitches, or I am just over reacting.  Jer's parents are amazing.  I consider his mom my kids second mother.  She fills in for me when I can't.  They go to her house after school.  When she leaves for vacation the first thing she wants to do when she is back home is see my kids.  We lived with Jer's parents the  first year of Alex life and we lived with them about 6 years ago for 1 year while we saved up for a house.  It isn't uncommon for the kids to want to spend the night at her house once every few weeks.  We have dinner with them several times a month. 

When I need a babysitter I rely on my sisters and nieces too.  My kids and their older cousins have formed a bond that is more like close friends than just cousins.  My kids know they can talk to their cousins when they need advice.  I have told my daughter and sons that if there is a time that they are ready to have sex but do not feel comfortable coming to me or their dad they can go to their cousin Cheri or Chantel to help them get on birth control and get condoms.  Shoot I would rather them use a condom than get an STD.  If they can't come to me they need to go to someone that loves them and will help them.   Someone that will give them good advice.  I expect my kids to be there to help with their youngest cousins.  My kids babysit and play with their younger cousins.  We are building a bond between them so these little 2 and 5 year olds have support from their older teenage cousins.  They will have examples to look up to.  This is how families and society should work, we help each other.

L is going to cosmetology school and working.  She is trying to improve her circumstances.  She is living with the baby's dad in an apartment.  To a lot of people in her community that is still not good enough.  They are not married and fully settled down they don't seem really responsible.  Besides she can just have another baby later.  My heart aches for her.  I know the pressure she will receive and has received.  If I could take her into my home and teach her to be a mother I would but there is 800 miles separating us.  I will do what I can to help her.  I never want her to know the loss my daughter and I live with every day.  I feel sorry for L's mom that she doesn't see the worth in her own daughter.  As my dear friend Melynda puts it  "she needs a  place where young expectant mothers can come to be relieved of the societal pressures to place for adoption and instead be taught of their true worth in the eyes of God.  They will learn that God is crazy about them and would never want one of His precious daughters to suffer the lifetime agony only a first mother knows."

I found this quote on someone's blog but I don't remember where I found it, I apologize for stealing it.  "I want people to know that having a young mom is better than losing your mom. People who can’t have children have no right to separate a child from her mother, family and heritage." 

I have so much more to write but my life is waiting so I better finish this post now.

Open adoption questions posted by O Solo Mama

These questions were posted on another blog by O solo Mama.  I'm going to answer these questions completely honestly.  I'm sure that it will rub some people the wrong way but I need to be true to myself and how I really feel.  Here are the original questions

1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
Why do people suck at it?  I don't think people come in realizing that adoption is a lifetime commitment to the natural parents and the child.  You don't just take on a new child but there whole family too.  Just like in a marriage you don't just marry one person but bring their whole family into your own.  You can't expect the natural parents to go away after a certain amount of time, I know this is sometimes expected.  The commitment you made to adopt a child is the commitment you keep for the rest of your life.  I am sure it is hard to realize that your decision to adopt, what made you a parent, tore apart another family. I'm sure it is hard to see the pain and hurt in the natural families eyes.  And there is also insecurity on the adoptive parents.  Having the natural parents around reiterates that the child has other loving parents.  That the child will never fully be just part of the adoptive family.  That the child has another family also that loves them unconditionally.  It has to bring the insecurities out.  It forces you to realize that you are still infertile and are raising someone elses child.

2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
Open adoption does not prolong suffering.  Live for years not knowing what your child looks like, what their personality is like, what their name is.  That is literally living in Hell.  Live for years not knowing if your child is happy, sad, hurt, or even alive.  Live for years feeling like something is deeply wrong with your child but not having any contact for years to verify these feelings or to ease the feelings.  That is what it is like to live in a closed adoption.  Seeing your child and having contact while not easy at any level is less painful.  It's important for the child to fully know their natural parents.

Who helps the first parent?  I have found I have had to seek help myself the agency did not do anything to help.  I would not go to the agency I placed with for help.  They give half truths about adoption and do not acknowledge the true pain in adoption.  I have read books, seeked supportive people, reading blogs have helped.  Being involved with search and reunion groups helps. 

If I had real help during my pregnancy there would be no need for adoptive parents.  If I wasn't going to LDSFS to look at "all" of my options I would have kept.  If I wasn't called a birthmom weekly for months, if I wasn't repeatedly told that I was carrying a child for a worthy family, if I did not believe those lies and had true support I would have kept.   There would not have been a need for adoptive parents.  What most natural moms don't realize is when you have a child you are insecure and scared.  I felt unprepared for all of my kids to come into this world.  The questions the agency asks about financial well being, how are you going to provide everything including a college education.  I still can't answer all of them.  I do not have a college fund ready to go to cover four years of college for each child, some months are still very hard financially.  Does that mean I should place all of my children?

3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
Our society is very uncomfortable with multiple parents especially with natural parents.  We are supposed to go away and not point out our loss and pain.  To acknowledge us as parents in some peoples eyes makes adoptive parents not the "real" parents.  Adoption is a legal way to get a child it is not natural.  Acknowledging that children have multiple parents is the truth.  Just because a child has 4 parents when there are step parents involved does not change the facts that they can love all of 4 their parents.  I have 4 children, I do not love one child more than the others.  Each take a separate spot in my heart.  Each of them are individual and different. 

4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
This is the absolute hardest question.  To be honest to myself is not politically correct.  If I could do things over would I?   Absolutely I would have never placed her.  I think that is such a huge mistake in my life and hers.  When she is with me, her siblings, and my husband it is natural and feels how things should be.  Alyssa is too old to "take back"  it is now her choice to decide who she wants a relationship with.  Do I want to take her back, truthfully the answer is yes. 

5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
I think we both help with this situation.  Both parents have to respond to this.  I do not know how the adoptee feels and I always was worried how Alyssa would feel especially since I was unmarried when I got pregnant with Alex and they are only 2 years apart.  She could answer this question much better than I.  I'm sure there was hurt for me to have another child so fast.  She says there wasn't but I'm sure there had to be. I can't really imagine she wasn't ever hurt by that.

6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I do not know any natural moms could not deal with an open adoption.  I think it is harder on the adoptive parents.  Fully open adoption should be the standard.  I'm talking more than just pictures and letters but a true relationship.  I'm talking about an extension to the family.


7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?
No simply absolutely no.  Alyssa's biological father is a pedophile.   I see in that situation where the child can be in danger than to the 1 person the adoption should be closed but not to the rest of the family.  Alyssa does have a relationship with her bio dad through letters since he is in jail.  Alyssa is friends with her grandfather and aunt(on her dads side) through facebook.  She also is in contact with her uncle and they text each other.  He has helped her find some of her family history.  I'm sure having contact with her dads family helps her find herself in ways she didn't know was missing.  I know seeing pictures of her dad's family has helped.  She understands better where she comes from.  I truly can not wait til she meets her dad's family in person. 

This week has been going pretty good.  Alyssa seems to be very happy over all.  Yesterday we were talking on the phone and she called me mommy.  I love that she calls me mom usually but she has never said mommy to me.  It was so sweet, innocent, and personal. 

Alyssa is seeing Owen tomorrow also.  I'm so excited for her.  I can't wait to see the pics of her and Owen together. 

And if it at all possible we are going to meet up in about 2 weeks.  We haven't seen each other since October and I miss her.  I miss seeing the interaction of all my kids together.  I miss getting ready in the morning together.  I miss having her borrowing my clothes.  I miss seeing her wake up in the morning without make-up on.  I miss our late night talks.  I miss the way she teases her brothers and sister. 

Alyssa is also doing great with the break up between her and her ex now.  Every relationship we learn something about ourselves.  It helps us grow and improve.  She has learned what she is willing to put up with and she realizes her personal worth.  She also realized that she deserves to be treated well and restrictions should not be put on her by her boyfriend.  She has realized that her opinion does count.  She realizes that there are things a lot more important than money. 

I am so very proud of her and the decisions she is making in her life.  She has had a very rough year and I know 2011 can only get better.  I love you my lil Alyssa.

More than just a name

I named my daughter Alyssa Mary.  Her adoptive parents knew her name when they brought her into their home at 1 week old. They did change her name.  Why did they change it?  I'm not sure I totally understand.  I think for them it was such a small thing that they never considered not changing it.  After all newborns are clean slates, right.  They have no memory and no feelings.  I'm sure it was just that they finally had a child and they wanted to choose the name, they had no attachment to me or the name I gave our daughter.  For me it was huge.  I never considered that they would change her name when I signed the papers.  I assumed that you don't change a child's name.  I already felt not good enough to raise my child and now even the name I gave her was not good enough.   I carefully thought and picked out her name.  I loved the name Alyssa and her middle name is part of my mom's name.  I wanted her to have part of her history and that is why I named her after my mom.  I knew her last name would change that was obvious but I never expected her name to totally change.

For 17 years all I knew my daughter as was Alyssa.  It has only been in the last 2 years that I knew her adoptive name of Kara.   In one of the first letters that I received the Aparents told me they had changed her name but I had no idea to what they changed it to.  It has been a hard adjustment to call my daughter Kara.  In my phone I have her name listed as Alyssa, when I send her a letter I still write Alyssa on the card.  When we talk I usually say Kara.  More often than not I will just call her honey.  It is just easier for me, and I call all of my kids honey, sweetie, or babe. 

When Owen was 3 days old after we left Utah on the long drive back to California Alyssa and I were texting.  She was having a very rough time.  Her milk was coming in, she had gone from a B cup to a large D cup, I know how painful that is.  She had barely slept at all in a week and having stitches while driving 600 miles is very uncomfortable to say the least.  On top of the physical problems she was dealing wit the loss of her son and he was still in the NICU.  We were texting about Owen and his name.  His name that Alyssa gave him is Owen Foster.  Foster is my grandfather's middle name and my son's Alex name.  That was a big deal for me to have my first grandchild to be named after my grandfather and my son.   For my daughter to want my family/her original family in her son's name meant more than words could express.

As we were talking I said that she would always think of her son as Owen after all that is and always will be his first given name.  That is the name that she wanted him to have.  I told Alyssa in my head I think of Alyssa as my daughter my first born but every time I her Kara it reminds me that she isn't my daughter she is J & S daughter.  Alyssa told me she understood she thinks of Owen as her son but Tanner is J & T son.  (If you were wondering both Owen's and Alyssa's adoptive mom's names start with J ).

While we were texting she said that I could call her Alyssa from now on.  She understands how important it is to call your child by their original name.  That was such a big deal for me to acknowledge the name that I gave her was okay.  It was as if we had came full circle.  I hope Owen and his Aparents will understand how important it is for Alyssa to acknowledge her son as Owen.

Adoption Books

Doe anyone have good adoption books they would recommend?  Not how to adopt or what a great blessing adoption is but the nitty gritty about the laws and why we have adoption, how the views of society affect woman in an unplanned pregnancy, the lasting affects of adoption on the natural family and the adoptee. 

I have read The girls Who Went Away. loved that book it was the first book that I read that actually told what it was like to place a child.  Granted these women had no choice in adoption but their feelings post adoption, their grief, their hurt was the same as mine.  I felt a bond and connection to the women in this book. 

Another one that I read was Baby Thief: The untold story of Georgia Tann.  I read that book and it was well written and made me understand our adoption laws better it also made me sick.  I couldn't believe I put my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such a corrupt and seedy system.  A system made to cover up illegal past adoptions.  A system that made it okay to seal and falsify birth certificates.  A system that has in its goal to tear apart families. A system based on money exchanged for a child. 

I want to read a few books recommended by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. The first one recommend is Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade.  And the other book I want to read also recommended by Amanda is The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered .  I have not read Primal Wound but that will be in the next group I get from the library.  I do want to read Birthmark also but I will probably have to buy it from Amazon or a used book store since my library does not carry it.

I grew up middle class in a very big family.  I am child number 4 of 7 kids.  There was only 12 years between the youngest and oldest kids.   My parents seemed to constantly had babies.  There were times that some of us would feel unloved or left out.  I don't think it is possible to make 7 children feel loved and adored 100% of the time.  I have a hard time with my 4 kids letting them know they are always loved, wanted, and adored 100% of the time. 

I was always embarrassed by having so many kids in the family.  Where ever we would go people would just watch us and count the number of kids.  It was as if we were a phenomenon.   I guess we were, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of my friends had at the most 2 siblings and they considered that a rather big family.  So we definitely stuck out a bit.  My parents owned their home but we didn't have a lot of frivolous extras either.  I'm not saying that is a bad thing, we just did not have the name brand clothes or eat out a lot.  We always had the basic necessities met.  We used to get ice cream about once a month and McDonald's was a privilege and we only had that about once every 3 to 6 months or so. 

 When I was little I remember my parents telling us a story.  It was about a rich couple that wanted a child and a poorer family with lots of kids.  The rich couple offered a huge amount for just one child.  After all this poor family had too many they could just let one go and then they would have plenty of money to pay for all of the needs of every child and send every child to college.  All they had to do is let the rich couple have one child.  Sounds simple and easy right.  Let one child go for the betterment of all.  Of course the poor family could not let even one child go, they loved each child unconditionally and there family would not be the same without each person.   My parents told us this story to remind us how important each of us were to them.  How they could never replace us and no amount of money would make up for the loss of us.

This story keeps coming back to me lately.  How could my parents love us and never want to let one of us go but it was okay for me to let my only child go, my first born child?  Did I not as a mother have the same love and feelings for my child that they had for each one of us?  I just keep thinking of this story lately how it absolutely relates to adoption.  Infertile richer couple just wanting one child and will pay a poorer couple for just one of their children. 

I was told during my pregnancy that Alyssa was not meant to be my child that I was just supposed to carry her for another couple.  I would have my turn to raise my own child but it would not be this one.  After being told this enough times you get to actually believe it.  19 years ago I really did not feel that I was meant to raise my daughter.  I believed at the time that fate was leading me to choose adoption.  That I would be condemned if I raised her.  As a 35 year old woman I look back and can't believe I actually believed that BS.  I actually thought that my daughter wasn't really mine.  She had my DNA, she was of my flesh, she was and is my daughter but was destined to be with another family.  Who tells a mother that?  Who actually tries to convince a woman that she isn't meant to raise her own child?

I am feeling like blogging again.  I am starting to feel better, I get to that point that the whole adoption crap is overwhelming.  It is so personal and sometimes all consuming.  I do feel as if we are fighting Goliath with our laws and perceptions.  How do you fight against government, religion, and society all in one?  How do you stop feeling overwhelmed and learn to take things into a positive direction?  I realized I needed to step back for a bit and just enjoy the holidays and not feel overwhelmed.  I feel the fire growing in my belly saying it is time to renew my fight to point out the things that our wrong in adoption.  I also see that we need to change one person and law at a time.  I know that it will take a lot of our voices to get the change done.

The day after Christmas we celebrated Christmas with my husband's dads family.  There were close to 40 of us together and we spent the whole day from about 10am to 10pm just enjoying each others companies, eating, playing cards, and bowling.   

While I was making gravy I was talking to my husbands Aunt M.  She is about 10 years older than me and is looking into adoption.  She has tried for 20 years to get pregnant and nothing has worked.  A few years ago she started looking into foster care adoption.  Even that did not work out for her.  Now she is looking into private adoption.  M has known for about 4 years about Alyssa.  In the past 6 months we have had some very intense conversations.  Not anger at all just deep intense personal conversations.  M is Alex's Godmother.  She is one of the few people that I would absolutely trust my children with.  There are family members on my side that I would not leave my kids alone with for even an hour.  But M is different she is my husband's aunt by marriage and is so loving and caring.  I consider her a part of my family even if she isn't blood related to either my husband or I.  Her husband is amazing and uber smart.  He knows a little bit about everything.  But he never makes you feel inferior either.  He is also very gentle and caring and a bit adventurous too.  He is the type of person that can fix anything. 

M was telling me about this woman that is pregnant and due in February and considering placing her child for adoption with them.  I was a bit nervous about talking to M about it.  I want her to have a child but to take someone elses and raise it as her own.  I didn't want this pregnant woman to feel as my daughter and I have felt about adoption.  I didn't want this woman to be taken advantage of.  I don't think in any way that M would take advantage of her but I was worried about the agency.  M was telling me about this woman, H the expectant mom.  H is either 24 or 25(I can't remember) and has an almost 2 year old daughter.  She has been in and out of jail since she was 14 and has only raised her daughter for one month of her life.  I'm trying to not make judgements here obviuosly there were family issues if H started to get in trouble with the law at age 14.  Most kids from a loving nurturing family do not end up in juvenile hall at such a young age.  I do feel sorry for her that she hasn't had an amazing happy life.  By 25 you should be getting your stuff together and see your future.  You should be starting to accomplish goals.  You shouldn't still be spending time in jail. 

I feel sorry for H to have to be in that situation to be considering placing her child for adoption.  I talked to M about keeping the sibling bond to make sure that the children know each other.  Through adoption the parents give up the right to raise the child but the bond between siblings should be cherished and never be broken.  Siblings need each other on a very deep level.  I have seen it in my own 4 children how much they need and love each other. Even though my daughter was separated from the other 3 for 18 years. 

I talked to M more about what it was like to be a natural mom and shared with her things I share with very few people.  I talked to her about giving space in the hospital about the heartache of adoption and some other things.  We talked about how if she does adopt this child that this child needs to know his natural mom and respect her.  If you don't have a love and respect for your natural biological parents it is very hard to love yourself completely.  We both ended up  crying a bit.  She has helped me to see the potential adoptive couples point of view and I helped her see the natural mothers point of view.  I know so often adoptive couples are only introduced to a few selected natural parents by the agency.  The mothers that are very happy and positive and think adoption is grand.  I think for her to know me as someone that has moved on and had a good life but still has the deep loss of adoption, someone who hasn't forgotten the pain she sees the other side of adoption.  She understands it is not all grand and amazing.  Adoption is a tragedy in so many ways.

I do worry about this mother H I know the struggles she will have if she places this child.  I know the heartache she will have.  I know M will not promise H anything she will and can not follow through with.  For that I am grateful.  But for this little child we will need to continue to fight the adoption laws.  Even though he will know his natural family growing up it should be his right to have access to his OBC.   Nothing should stand in his way to get it. 

Goodbye 2010

I haven't posted in a week.  Life has definitely been catching up with me.  I've had my parents from Utah come into town and my sister from Portland came to town with her two little ones.  We have kept busy with a lot of family time.  I also had to squeeze in work for several hours on a few days.  We were able to visit with old friends too on New Years Eve.  On top of those things I also had a cold and a migraine sneak up on me.  I had to pass along my cold to everyone else in the family too.

2010 was an absolute crazy year.  Constant travel from California to Utah every six weeks or so made it a bit exciting.  I hate traveling those 12 hours by car, there is only so much desert I want to see in my life time.  Amazingly enough I finally met my Alyssa in person after being apart for 17 years and 51 weeks.  She has grown so much in this past year alone.  She has gone from a fun loving teenager to a very mature adult.  She has taken the hard road to get the maturity but I have seen so much change in her. 

I got my fourth tattoo this year and Alyssa got her first professional tattoo, honey no more do it yourself tattoos.   Our tattoos match and are very simple just two hearts intertwined on our shoulder.  One is blue which is my favorite color and the other heart is green which is her favorite color.  It was her idea to get them so we will always have something to tie us together.

I never thought the loss of adoption would "touch" my life again, well more like a train wreck into my life.  I do not ever want to be tested to see how much inner strength I have.  I might fail that test if it comes up again. 

Beginning of 2010 I taught Sunday School to the 8 year olds every Sunday.  By the time August came along I had asked to be released and I have only attended church twice since August.   I'm just not ready to go back to a place that supports adoption so highly.  As of right now there is still too much hurt and I feel betrayed.

I am hoping for a much calmer 2011.  One that doesn't have the extreme highs and lows that 2010 has brought us.  I am hoping to make a small difference in adoption this year.  I hope I can help one mother and child stay together and fight the uphill battle of the adoption industry.  Or maybe open up even one persons eyes on the reality of adoption.  The toll adoption takes on the adoptee and the natural mother.  Adoption doesn't temporarily affect a mother but permanently changes her and rips apart a family.  Adoption also takes a huge toll on an adoptee even adoptees that go to great loving families.