Almost a year

This morning we got Alyssa to the airport.  She barely slept but got enough caffeine in her to be quite hyper.  Last night was rough on her.  I could see her try to be strong and then watch as her emotions started to catchup with her.  It was a lot about Owen but she is still and always will be dealing with her own adoption and consequences of it.  She has quite a burden to carry being both an adoptee and natural mom. 

Last night we went shopping for gifts for Owen.  I knew it would be hard for her but I forgot how hard.  Not even knowing your child shoes size, clothes size, his weight, and height, the basics that every mom should know is s hard.  You come fully face to face on what you are missing.  Every first mom that I know of grieves.  Even the first moms that are in great adoptions and do not regret their decision still grieve over he milestones. 

I worry about her especially as July 28 approaches.  I can remember so vividly the pain of her first birthday brought me.  I remember just wanting to die.  I was not suicidal but I was so low emotionally I really couldn't care if I lived another moment.  I'm sure she has these feelings now too.  I hate knowing exactly what she will feel.  Not I can imagine how hard this is but I know how she feels.  I wish I could take this burden from my daughter.  If there was a way to carry this for her I would.  But all I can do is be here for her and let her talk when she wants.

Alyssa will be in Utah until the 2nd and she only feels she has one person out there she can truly talk to and open up to.  If any of you can please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she makes it through this first milestone that would be so appreciated.