A few weeks ago my youngest niece graduated from high school. A lot of the family came to her graduation. I sat by my sister (my nieces mom). After it was over we were waiting for everyone to leave the stands. All of a sudden I saw my sister talking to someone I didn't know and I see her pointing to me and Alyssa. Honestly I was a bit upset. I was thinking can't I just be a family? Does it have to be pointed out that I placed Alyssa? This wasn't the time to get into an adoption discussion. I didn't want to be looked as as a saint or a sinner. Then my sister came over and introduced me to her friend. It turns out that this woman placed her first child, a son, 5 years ago. We started talking about it. She explained that she was in an open adoption. So I asked when did you last see your son? She replied back when he was 15 months old. I was in shock, flabbergasted, almost stunned into silence. She explained that the family lives in the Midwest and she lives in California. I did say well it is easy to say you have an open adoption when you don't have to see your child's other mother in 4 years. It is easy to send out pictures once or twice a year.
We started talking about the pain of adoption and then she looked at Alyssa and said something to the affect of it does get easier over time. I asked her "does it really get easier or do you just learn to live with the pain?"
I find it interesting the term open adoption now a days. It means so many things to so many people. It could mean I never met the aparents but I get a letter every few years but no pictures(like mine was for years). It could mean I met the aparents and I was able to visit a few times. It could mean I am able to see my child once a year for an hour in public but never in the couples home. Or it could mean that the adoptive family and natural family act as one extended family and they do holidays and random get togethers every few weeks or months. Every adoptive couple (of domestic newborn) that I know claim to have an open adoption. A lot of natural parents say they had an open adoption but later the adoption closed.
I know open adoption can mean so many things. I always say that I had a closed adoption but I did know their names so maybe closed adoption is/was a wrong term. What term would we say for the parents want the birthmother to disappear in thin air and never share anything with her.
ReplyDeleteThis is very true...I feel like a lot of the agencies and counselors keep saying "Oh you can have an Open adoption it's so great!" but truly there are few states that recognize or legally enforce Open adoption where a promised agreement for updates, pictures, visits, etc. can happen. The only way I define "Open Adoption" is that I was able to choose the adoptive parents, I know their names, address, family backgrounds, etc. We willingly shared our histories and personalities and stories together and I have been invited to visit them in their home. I feel very fortunate in that we have had the same ideas of how we want our relationship to form. However there is no "legal" right for me to have any contact nor any law that requires them to maintain contact, send updates, etc. Time and circumstances can change, and I just have to trust that we will continue to respect our intent at the beginning and keep up communication. I am optimistic but I have also heard of other "modern day" adoptions where they close without warning or the adoptive parents' attitudes/wants change, and there is nothing a birthparent can do about it.
ReplyDelete