Yesterday (September 10) we had a family reunion. The first one we had in about 5 years. It was for my husband's grandmother's side (Gran). Gran had an identical twin sister. They did everything together including marrying best friends, moving from Canada to California, and having 8 kids each. Gran's sister, best friend, confidant, died when her oldest child was 14 and the youngest was a baby. Since the death the two families have remained very close. Now we have a reunion every few years that we refer to as the CS feud (CS are the initials for both families last names).
Now I still don't remember every one's names in this big extended family. There was 50 of us there and only about half of the families were able to come. I was talking to Jer's Aunt Sandy and she said Dee's son she placed for adoption is here. Now Dee and I have never discussed adoption ever. We never confided to each other that we both lost our first child to adoption just 6 years apart. I had heard rumors that she had placed her son but I never talked to her about it. I was always afraid that if I talked to her that it would be too painful for both of us.
I went over to Dee and we talked to each other as mothers of loss. We talked about the hurt, pain, our children's loss. We talked about it all. I found out her son and her have been in reunion for a year. She has known all of his information for years but it wasn't ready for contact until he was 24. She said it hurt to have his information but he had denied her contact. He wasn't ready. For 6 years she was in this non reunion limbo. We talked about even saying the number of children we have is hard. It is hard because of how other people accept us as mothers of our first children.
Dee had said that Scott (her placed son) grew up within 30 miles of her and her family. When they were in the limbo her niece even went to Blockbuster where he worked just see see what he looked like. She did not contact him or reveal who she was, she just went in as a customer. She just wanted to see her cousin and be in his presence.
Interestingly when I was talking to Sandy she said "Scott looks just like Dee" I responded of course he does, are you shocked that you like like your parents? It is only in adoption that we are surprised that children look like their natural parents."
I had always wanted to find where my daughter worked once she turned 18 and go visit her there, just as a customer. I dreamed of being able to talk to her as a person - not as the mother who gave her to strangers and all that comes with that role.
ReplyDeleteThen I saw pictures of her as an adult and realized I could never do that. If she ever saw me, she would realize she is a carbon copy of me, right down to the freckle on her left check.
Love what you said to Sandy. Adoption is such an inside out, upside down experience, isn't it?