I keep thinking should I post this on my private blog or keep it public. This is the hardest for me to write about our family reunion. It is about the perception of adoption through the eyes of a natural mom and an adoptive mom. Two woman that love each other but have opposite perspectives.
Jeremy's aunt was at the family reunion. The one that adopted her son last February. My views on adoption are hard to get past even for family. I hold family to a much higher standard than I do the general public. I do love Jeremy's aunt and uncle. They are very loving, good, honest people, they are Alex's Godparents. But I don't know if they will ever understand the pain of a natural mother or the pain that they can cause a child by adopting. I do know that they love their son's family. They do hold them in high regard, (not saint hood) they talk highly of the mom, her family, the dad, and his family. The B terms are used which just sends nausea through out my body, though.
I can start to see how much this baby looks like his mother. I commented to Jer's aunt (adoptive mom) that the baby looks just like his mom (I've only seen pictures of his nmom). For me it is hard to tell when babies look like their parents, but he is the spitting image jof his mom. And then I realized how that could sound offensive to her as an adoptive mom. I apologized because I don't want to hurt her. And she said, "Jeannette his b****mom is beautiful, I am so glad he looks like her".
At the reunion some of the cousins were asking about the adoption of this new baby, the journey etc. I was sitting at the table. I couldn't look away or get up. I was stuck there, struck still and silent. After the story was told I got up. Jer's aunt followed me a few minute later. She said, I know that what I said might have hurt you, I'm sorry. There is nothing wrong with her story, per say. To everyone else it is a gift, a miracle. To me knowing what adoption loss is, it hurts. She was aware enough to realize that it caused me pain. That to me said a lot about her and her maybe she will be open enough to realize later that adoption could cause her son pain.
We had talked about the written open adoption agreement compared to what she is doing. The agreement is for written updates and pictures but she is building relationships with her son's family. They can come over any time but a phone call is wanted first. She wants her son to know all of his family. All of her son's family lives locally, so having alot of visits isn't unheard of. She actually welcomes them. She even wants her son's dad to have visits and he will be out of jail in a few months. An adoptive mom that is going above and beyond what is promised is amazing to me. I'm so used to the opposite where adoptive parents promise the world but then do not follow through. We talked about how the general public does not understand open adoption and how important it will be for her son as he gets older. She understood that part. Adoption is not all about her, but her son also. I often see that adoptive parents promise open adoption and visits but the families live hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. It is easy to have an "open adoption with visits " when there is no chance of running into each other at the grocery store, library, park, or mall. When the adoptive and natural families live within 30 miles of each other and you keep it open with full relationships that is much harder. I consider a full relationship is when the natural extended family is welcomed over just as much as the child's extended adoptive family.
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