My great grandmother Nettie was born in 1899. According to all records her parents were married when all of their kids were born. According to family history the story is very different. Kattie and William were her parents she was one of their seven children.
Katie was born in 1872 She married a much older man, William, on Feb 21, 1891. Their first child was born on Apr 4, 1891. Katie was 19 years old and her husband was born in 1827, that makes him about 64 years old. Yes he seemed to be a dirty old man knocking up a sweet 19 year old right? After all he could be her grandfather. The reality of their marriage is very different. He was a widow and he had children older than Kattie. Kattie was dating one of his sons and Kattie ended up getting pregnant by his son. The son(boys being boys) was scared and ran off.
What would have happened in the 1950's, 1960's or even today? She would have been perfect prey for adoption agencies. She had no job skills, woman did not work outside of the home, I'm sure the small town was in an uproar. Can you imagine the gossip? We are talking small town Utah in 1891. I know how I felt in 1991 in big town California. I was embarrassed, hurt, ashamed. I felt like I had embarrassed my whole family. My best friend of 4 years was no longer allowed to associate with me even at church. I can not imagine Kattie's pain.
If I found the right son that knocked up Kattie he ran away to California (family story says William's son died before he found out Kattie was pregnant). William did the only honorable thing he could think of. He wanted his grandchild to have the family name. He married Kattie, himself. He wasn't a dirty old man but a man trying to do the best thing in a very hard situation. There was no DNA testing, no proof that his son actually got Kattie pregnant, just her words.
As I write this tears come to my eyes. What an honorable man. His concern was that his grandchild had a name, that his grandchild wasn't a "bastard". His grandchild would have a home and family. His grandchild would be given the love of both of his families. He made it so Kattie did not have to be an unwed mother in 1891. He couldn't make his son marry Kattie but he did make sure Kattie was taken care of. He made sure that the gossip hounds left Kattie alone.
By the time William died they had 7 children together. They had a child together just 11 months after this first child. All of their children were pretty close in age. Kattie married 2 more times after William died in 1900, she never divorced but buried 2 of her husbands. Kattie died in 1940, Kattie married her second husband in 1902 but this husband died in 1917. Graciously her third husband she married in 1930 and he out lived her by 4 years.
I would have loved to talk to this woman and have been able to hear her story in her own words. I would want to her how she feels we progressed as a society with adoption. I would love to compare our situations that were 100 years apart.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Friday, April 1, 2011
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
I could never do that
I was talking to Alyssa a few months ago. She was saying how her upstairs neighbor saw pictures of Owen and commented that she could never give away her children. This is a woman that smokes pot while her toddlers are in the same room as her, a woman that would do other harder drugs in front of her babies. This woman has 2 children. I have heard this sentiment many times myself. Yes those words hurt, especially coming from people who do not try to understand but pass judgement. When this comes from mothers that are not putting their children's needs in their own wants that really hurts us.
The other thing that I have noticed from many natural moms is so often they are the women that have such high potential as mothers. Woman that I see are the most amazing mothers to their raised kids. These mothers raise the bar for the rest of us. Woman that would sacrifice themselves for the best interest of their child. Or what they are convinced is the best thing for their baby. The women that are so careful during pregnancy that they worry about everything they put in their body. They do this because they love their child and want the best start for their child. agencies. We have all seen those advertisements "Are you scared, single, and pregnant? We can help" Every single mother married or not is scared as a parent. Even if you have other children each pregnancy is scary. You wonder how you are going to juggle everything. How are you going to be the best mom for each child. Will your other children feel less loved because of the new baby. What dynamics will be brought into the family? Can you really afford another child?
I have also noticed for me and many other natural moms that what we expect from adoptive parents is a very high standard too. When they do not meet those standards as parents to our children we are deeply hurt and it comes out as anger. I am talking more than meeting the basic needs of our children but being exceptional parents and meeting our children's emotional needs too.
My third child was my only planned pregnancy. I was on "light bed rest" mot of the pregnancy. I was excited for my child to be born but scared as hell too. I had not raised 2 children at the same time. How was I going to do everything for both children. How could I as a mother meet all of their needs? Can we really afford 2 children. Well no we could not live like the Jones' and afford 2 kids at all. We had to cut back on every extra expense. We had to be very careful what we bought. And of course it went through my head would my first born hate it that I had more children? Would she be hurt and upset when she found out and processed it?
You do take into account how will the next child affect your other children. Will you have enough time and energy for all of them? For me the money part isn't as important and the time the kids need from me. Money can come and go but it does not make great parents.
Why do people say "I couldn't give away my child"? For one I think they honestly can't imagine it at all. It is hard to put yourself in that woman's shoes that gave her child away. It is hard to find empathy within ourselves. For most of society it is unthinkable. I often wonder do they realize they way their words hurt?
The other thing that I have noticed from many natural moms is so often they are the women that have such high potential as mothers. Woman that I see are the most amazing mothers to their raised kids. These mothers raise the bar for the rest of us. Woman that would sacrifice themselves for the best interest of their child. Or what they are convinced is the best thing for their baby. The women that are so careful during pregnancy that they worry about everything they put in their body. They do this because they love their child and want the best start for their child. agencies. We have all seen those advertisements "Are you scared, single, and pregnant? We can help" Every single mother married or not is scared as a parent. Even if you have other children each pregnancy is scary. You wonder how you are going to juggle everything. How are you going to be the best mom for each child. Will your other children feel less loved because of the new baby. What dynamics will be brought into the family? Can you really afford another child?
I have also noticed for me and many other natural moms that what we expect from adoptive parents is a very high standard too. When they do not meet those standards as parents to our children we are deeply hurt and it comes out as anger. I am talking more than meeting the basic needs of our children but being exceptional parents and meeting our children's emotional needs too.
My third child was my only planned pregnancy. I was on "light bed rest" mot of the pregnancy. I was excited for my child to be born but scared as hell too. I had not raised 2 children at the same time. How was I going to do everything for both children. How could I as a mother meet all of their needs? Can we really afford 2 children. Well no we could not live like the Jones' and afford 2 kids at all. We had to cut back on every extra expense. We had to be very careful what we bought. And of course it went through my head would my first born hate it that I had more children? Would she be hurt and upset when she found out and processed it?
You do take into account how will the next child affect your other children. Will you have enough time and energy for all of them? For me the money part isn't as important and the time the kids need from me. Money can come and go but it does not make great parents.
Why do people say "I couldn't give away my child"? For one I think they honestly can't imagine it at all. It is hard to put yourself in that woman's shoes that gave her child away. It is hard to find empathy within ourselves. For most of society it is unthinkable. I often wonder do they realize they way their words hurt?
Friday, March 25, 2011
Related by birth
I just saw "Related by Birth", it was very good but a bit emotional. Make sure you have a box of kleenex by you.
If you'd like to screen "Related by Birth" there will be open access to the pre-release version of the movie from now until Sunday evening. Please feel free to pass along to friends you think would be interested. And Related By Birth would love to hear all feedback. Thank you.
http://www.rbbpreview.com/
face book site http://www.facebook.com/relatedbybirth?ref=ts
If you'd like to screen "Related by Birth" there will be open access to the pre-release version of the movie from now until Sunday evening. Please feel free to pass along to friends you think would be interested. And Related By Birth would love to hear all feedback. Thank you.
http://www.rbbpreview.com/
face book site http://www.facebook.com/relatedbybirth?ref=ts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Pics from the Alyssa's trip to California
Alyssa and Owen
Alyssa and Ian in San Francisco
Ian Alyssa Jer and I in San Francisco
Alyssa and me in San Francisco
Alyssa and I walking the beach at Pigeon Point
Alyssa walking in Santa Cruz
Kenny and Alyssa in a hat shop in San Francisco
Alyssa and Cassie making silly faces
The kids in San Francisco
Personalities and Hereditary
Growing up my mom very rarely wore make up, until she moved to Utah I would do her make up for her if she wanted to wear any. My mom usually kept her hair short, and never colored it. For work she dressed nice but if she wasn't working she dressed very casual. On Saturdays if she didn't have to go anywhere she would stay in pajamas most of the day. My mom has always been pretty big boned too. Her wedding ring is a size 8 and my wedding ring is a size 5.5. My mom has to add links to her watch to get them to fit wear as often tomes watches are big on my wrist. My mom even made me a bracelet watch for my birthday. She measured my wrist to get the exact size. After she made it she commented that she thought she mis-measured because no adult woman could possibly have that small of a wrist. The watch fit perfectly.
I on the other hand have colored my hair every 6 to 8 weeks for the last 7 years. I do not have grey hair at all but I was bored being a natural blond and wanted to cross over to the wild side of dark hair. I always wear make up even to run to walmart or go to the beach. I wear 4 inch heels on a daily basis even with jeans and a t-shirt. I usually am dressed up a bit even on the weekends. I do not do the mani-pedi thing though. I have never got a professional massage in my life. I adore the 1950's style with pencil skirt and sweater sets, the sexy secretary look. Even when I wear shorts I have on heels and a blouse.
I was talking to my dad last Friday and he was frustrated a bit with my 90 year old grandma (my mom's mom). She had to get a new hearing aid but refused to have the appointment before her hair appointment on Thursday morning. He couldn't understand why my grandmother would put off going to her doctors just because her hair wasn't done. I totally got it. I understood where she was coming from 100%. I probably would do the same thing if I was her. I have this thing where you always try to look your best all the time. Neither him or my mom could understood her but I could. I was not raised around my grandma. The most I saw her was once a year for two weeks. She was not a big influence on my life at all. But some how her attitude and dressstyle was passed down to me but skipped my mom.
Alyssa comes in my life and while we were writing when she was 15 we found out we had a lot in common. Both of us were obsessed with hair and make up. Alyssa even wanted to go to cosmetology school like I had wanted to at her age. We even wore the same colors of make up at the same time, burgundy eyeshadow with black eye liner and blackest black mascara. Alyssa is also hugely into the 1950's style. We are now the exact same clothes size and our shoes are only about a half size different. Alyssa has inherited a whole new closet when she comes to visit me. We have both been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years too. It has been interesting to say the least to see how much has been inherited personality wise.
I do have to say sometimes it throws me to see her and see someone that has my body. She has made the same comment about Cassie and myself. A couple of months ago Alyssa was noticing that Cassie and her stomach were identical. They are both thin, thin enough to see their rib cage and hip bones but neither have any muscle definition in their abs. All 3 of us have very long legs but short torsos. You can tell that Alyssa looks like she belongs with our family. She looks like us, and acts like us, she blends in so well. I just never expected it. I was obviously very naive before reunion.
I on the other hand have colored my hair every 6 to 8 weeks for the last 7 years. I do not have grey hair at all but I was bored being a natural blond and wanted to cross over to the wild side of dark hair. I always wear make up even to run to walmart or go to the beach. I wear 4 inch heels on a daily basis even with jeans and a t-shirt. I usually am dressed up a bit even on the weekends. I do not do the mani-pedi thing though. I have never got a professional massage in my life. I adore the 1950's style with pencil skirt and sweater sets, the sexy secretary look. Even when I wear shorts I have on heels and a blouse.
I was talking to my dad last Friday and he was frustrated a bit with my 90 year old grandma (my mom's mom). She had to get a new hearing aid but refused to have the appointment before her hair appointment on Thursday morning. He couldn't understand why my grandmother would put off going to her doctors just because her hair wasn't done. I totally got it. I understood where she was coming from 100%. I probably would do the same thing if I was her. I have this thing where you always try to look your best all the time. Neither him or my mom could understood her but I could. I was not raised around my grandma. The most I saw her was once a year for two weeks. She was not a big influence on my life at all. But some how her attitude and dressstyle was passed down to me but skipped my mom.
Alyssa comes in my life and while we were writing when she was 15 we found out we had a lot in common. Both of us were obsessed with hair and make up. Alyssa even wanted to go to cosmetology school like I had wanted to at her age. We even wore the same colors of make up at the same time, burgundy eyeshadow with black eye liner and blackest black mascara. Alyssa is also hugely into the 1950's style. We are now the exact same clothes size and our shoes are only about a half size different. Alyssa has inherited a whole new closet when she comes to visit me. We have both been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years too. It has been interesting to say the least to see how much has been inherited personality wise.
I do have to say sometimes it throws me to see her and see someone that has my body. She has made the same comment about Cassie and myself. A couple of months ago Alyssa was noticing that Cassie and her stomach were identical. They are both thin, thin enough to see their rib cage and hip bones but neither have any muscle definition in their abs. All 3 of us have very long legs but short torsos. You can tell that Alyssa looks like she belongs with our family. She looks like us, and acts like us, she blends in so well. I just never expected it. I was obviously very naive before reunion.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday March 13
Last Sunday Alyssa and Ian got up early and packed their things. They were going to spilt up the 12 hour drive into 2 days. We figured it usually takes 5 hours to go to Reno. We knew they would need to leave by 2 but we wanted to bring Ian to see a lighthouse. He had mentioned earlier in the week that he loved light houses. We drove about an hour or 2 out to Pigeon point light house. I had been once before and had enjoyed it. It is very secluded and relaxing.
We drove to the light house and went in where they had the history of the light house. We walked around the outside and the waves were just amazing. The rocks that jutted out from the water had sea lions on them. It was gorgeous. They have a small gift shop and we were talking to the lady that works there. We found out that just to the left of the light house there were stairs that lead down to a beautiful secluded beach.
Of course we had to explore this. It was a cool windy day so no one was around at all but the seven of us. We found on this beach a ton of sea shells, a tide pool, star fish, sea anemone, sea cucumber, muscles, and tons of rocks to climb. We explored this small beach for an hour. We decided to then go to a great dive bar/diner for lunch. It was called Whale city Bakery Bar and Grill. For us it was a little bit expensive but they have big proportions and great food. We finished eating right about 2. Alyssa headed to there hotel in Reno and we headed home. We said good bye at the restaurant. No tears just lots of hugs, I still wasn't ready for them to leave but it no longer tears out my heart so badly. Good bye seems to be easier because we are both more secure in our relationship. We know it won't be long til we see each other again. We talk every day and text a lot through out the day. Our family doesn't feel totally complete when she isn't with us but we know where we belong in each others lives. That has helped all of us a lot.
We have had many deep talks. She can understand why she was placed and I have understood the heartache for her to be adopted and not grow up in her family of origin. We have learned and grown because of each other. My whole family has accepted and welcomed her because she is and always has been part of our family. We have waited so many years to have her in our life. Some of the hurt will always be there but there is forgiveness too.
We drove to the light house and went in where they had the history of the light house. We walked around the outside and the waves were just amazing. The rocks that jutted out from the water had sea lions on them. It was gorgeous. They have a small gift shop and we were talking to the lady that works there. We found out that just to the left of the light house there were stairs that lead down to a beautiful secluded beach.
Of course we had to explore this. It was a cool windy day so no one was around at all but the seven of us. We found on this beach a ton of sea shells, a tide pool, star fish, sea anemone, sea cucumber, muscles, and tons of rocks to climb. We explored this small beach for an hour. We decided to then go to a great dive bar/diner for lunch. It was called Whale city Bakery Bar and Grill. For us it was a little bit expensive but they have big proportions and great food. We finished eating right about 2. Alyssa headed to there hotel in Reno and we headed home. We said good bye at the restaurant. No tears just lots of hugs, I still wasn't ready for them to leave but it no longer tears out my heart so badly. Good bye seems to be easier because we are both more secure in our relationship. We know it won't be long til we see each other again. We talk every day and text a lot through out the day. Our family doesn't feel totally complete when she isn't with us but we know where we belong in each others lives. That has helped all of us a lot.
We have had many deep talks. She can understand why she was placed and I have understood the heartache for her to be adopted and not grow up in her family of origin. We have learned and grown because of each other. My whole family has accepted and welcomed her because she is and always has been part of our family. We have waited so many years to have her in our life. Some of the hurt will always be there but there is forgiveness too.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Saturday March 12
Saturday morning Alyssa, Jer and I went to Best Buy to get Alyssa a new phone. She wanted a new phone number that her ex didn't have. She also wanted a Blackberry. As we looked around the sales associate asked if we needed help. Jer just said "My daughter is looking at getting a new phone" Alyssa and I just looked at each other. He doesn't have to claim her. He did not raise her and did not meet her until a year ago. He did start writing her letters about the time she was 16. It was the sweetest thing. I know Alyssa felt like she was accepted and loved. She did end up getting a new phone, of course a hot pink one.
My friends were having a party at their house in the afternoon. These friends have a get together at least once a month. They just make excuses to have people over. This weekends they were having a "Bring your own John" Basically they have a lot of friends named John so everyone was supposed to bring a friend named John. I know silly party but we love to get together with everyone. I didn't have any friends named John that could go so we took the "bring your own john" meaning differently. We decided to dress Ian as a pimp and Alyssa and I wore mini skirts and i wore my hooter tank top. I know our sense of humor is really off. But we thought it was funny and we asked my friend if it would be okay. I didn't want to offend anyone.
We had dinner and most people were drinking wine, personally I don't drink wine so we just hung out and talked. There were kids there from age 2 to 19 and adults of all ages. About 7:30 my kids wanted to go home but we weren't quite ready. Alyssa and Ian offered to drive home since we brought 2 cars. Wow that was really nice I'm not used to having another driver. So Jer and I stayed for about 2 hours more. The kids got some time alone without us parents. I know my raised kids do enjoy time alone with their big sister. I think it is important that they build their relationship without me involved.
We finally got back home about 9:30 and hung out and talked. We knew they would be heading back to Utah the next day and we all just wanted more time together. Even a week together isn't enough time for any of us.
My friends were having a party at their house in the afternoon. These friends have a get together at least once a month. They just make excuses to have people over. This weekends they were having a "Bring your own John" Basically they have a lot of friends named John so everyone was supposed to bring a friend named John. I know silly party but we love to get together with everyone. I didn't have any friends named John that could go so we took the "bring your own john" meaning differently. We decided to dress Ian as a pimp and Alyssa and I wore mini skirts and i wore my hooter tank top. I know our sense of humor is really off. But we thought it was funny and we asked my friend if it would be okay. I didn't want to offend anyone.
We had dinner and most people were drinking wine, personally I don't drink wine so we just hung out and talked. There were kids there from age 2 to 19 and adults of all ages. About 7:30 my kids wanted to go home but we weren't quite ready. Alyssa and Ian offered to drive home since we brought 2 cars. Wow that was really nice I'm not used to having another driver. So Jer and I stayed for about 2 hours more. The kids got some time alone without us parents. I know my raised kids do enjoy time alone with their big sister. I think it is important that they build their relationship without me involved.
We finally got back home about 9:30 and hung out and talked. We knew they would be heading back to Utah the next day and we all just wanted more time together. Even a week together isn't enough time for any of us.
My friend and I at the "Bring your own John Party"
Alyssa and Ian at the "bring your own John party"
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