Dirty Little Secret

I just read 2 good blogs with comments.  The first is FMF and the second is Living Life.   Go read them and then come back.   This might take a while.  Of course both of these are written by mothers and not adoptees.  Adoptees have made some very good comments so we can understand it from their perspective too.  One adoptee blogged about this too at what the hell am I supposed to call this.

About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted.  How she feels about it, what her perspective is.  She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity.  Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time.  She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.

I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays.  Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families.  We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future.  We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us.  My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me.  I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened.  They will always be her parents.  I know she will always love them.  I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in).  They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship.  I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there.  Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with.  I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption.  We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).

A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor.  This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to.  The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks.  A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa.  This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you."  I could tell Allysa was happy.  She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine.  She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her.  My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them. 

If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS.  I know it is hard to come out of our closet.  We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender.  I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others.  But it is worth it for your relationship with your child.  No one wants to be a DLS.