Open Mike - short post

Last night Alyssa sang in at an open mike performance at a local cafe.  It was amazing to be able to watch her to hear her.  She has such an amazing voice, but I am a little biased.  There were about 10 performers and they each did one or two songs, some were covers and some they had written.  Every one was really good and you could tell they just loved music. 

 I am so gad I got this chance, and to think I could still be missing out on her life.  We can't go back and change the past but we can forgive and start anew with each other.  I love you Allysa and I am so proud of you.

The positives of the weeks

Right now I want to focus on the positives before getting into any negatives.  Alyssa came home from Utah 2 and a half days early, with a little help from her Auntie.  I was so excited, we picked her up from the airport yesterday morning.  She was able to see Owen twice while she was in Utah.  Her and I made it through Owen's first birthday, separately but we made it through. 

Last night she was the only kid home.  The boys were at their grandma's spending the night.  They are volunteering for a bible camp that their grandma is in charge of.  It was easier for her to have them spend the night at her house.  Cassie spent the night at one of her best friends house and she is at Girls Camp for the rest of the week.  Alyssa and I were just laying down and talking and then she asked "Mama is it OK if I just sleep in your bed tonight with you? Will dad be upset if he gets kicked out?"  All of my kids have always came into my bed if they need extra love, reassurance, or had a bad dream.  Alyssa has seen this happen.  After this week she needed the extra mama love.

We were laying in bed and talking about adoption and other things.  All of a sudden Alyssa said, "Um..oh" I replied back, "What were you gonna say?" She said. "Well I was going to say thanks for not giving me up for adoption, then I realized you had, I just forgot".  We talked some more and she had said how comfortable she is and how much she feels like she belongs with us that she forgets we didn't always have each other, she forgets we weren't always together.

Don't get me wrong my house is not all peaceful and quiet where the kids don't fight and argue.  They all do argue with each other.  All 4 kids do sometimes argue, jobs do not always get done, we do sometimes yell,  just like any other family. My kids may argue with each other but also will kill for each other, I can guarantee that.  They can tease and make fun of each other but no one else is ever allowed too.  They have each other's backs.  Those 4 kids are so close.

Oh Baby

A few days ago I read an amazing post  at adoption truth.  When I grow up I want to be just like her :) .

Happy Birthday Little One

Today Owen turns one year old.  He will always be my oldest grandchild.  No one will take his place, he will always have that title.  Just like his  mom will always be my oldest child.  I worry about both of them.  They both carry the burden of being adopted.  They did not make that choice it was made for them by the adults around them.  The only choice they have is to live with it and slowly process it over the rest of their lives. 

I am hoping for today that several hours Alyssa and Owen will have some time together to just be mother and son.  I'm hoping she can be with him and he will feel the eternal love his mother has had and always will have for him.

Almost a year

This morning we got Alyssa to the airport.  She barely slept but got enough caffeine in her to be quite hyper.  Last night was rough on her.  I could see her try to be strong and then watch as her emotions started to catchup with her.  It was a lot about Owen but she is still and always will be dealing with her own adoption and consequences of it.  She has quite a burden to carry being both an adoptee and natural mom. 

Last night we went shopping for gifts for Owen.  I knew it would be hard for her but I forgot how hard.  Not even knowing your child shoes size, clothes size, his weight, and height, the basics that every mom should know is s hard.  You come fully face to face on what you are missing.  Every first mom that I know of grieves.  Even the first moms that are in great adoptions and do not regret their decision still grieve over he milestones. 

I worry about her especially as July 28 approaches.  I can remember so vividly the pain of her first birthday brought me.  I remember just wanting to die.  I was not suicidal but I was so low emotionally I really couldn't care if I lived another moment.  I'm sure she has these feelings now too.  I hate knowing exactly what she will feel.  Not I can imagine how hard this is but I know how she feels.  I wish I could take this burden from my daughter.  If there was a way to carry this for her I would.  But all I can do is be here for her and let her talk when she wants.

Alyssa will be in Utah until the 2nd and she only feels she has one person out there she can truly talk to and open up to.  If any of you can please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she makes it through this first milestone that would be so appreciated.

A little someting extra

We went into Vancouver a few times over the week. We had to go to Gas Town and do the tourist thing. My mother-in-law was so sweet and got gifts for all of the immediate family. She spent most of the day looking for the perfect gift for each person. She has always been thoughtful in that way. As she went through and we looked together for certain peoples things she kept listing everyone including my brother-in-laws girlfriend but didn't say anything about Alyssa. It hurt a bit. I figured Alyssa wouldn't know that my mother-in-law got things for everyone else. I didn't say anything at all, I didn't want to be pushy or anything.

Two days later we went hunting for a Murchie's Tea shop. My sister-in-laws loves tea and consider Murchie's the best of all tea. There is not a store front in the states and it is a special treat my mother-in-law has always got for the girls in the family. We searched out and found the closest Murchie's. I knew Alyssa loves tea and I wanted to find her a cute mug or something to go with it. I found a really good tea called Coconut Chai tea. I am not a big fan of tea and I loved the smell of this. I know she would love it too. This came in a loose leaf tea so I found a tea pot that came with an infuser to hold the loose leaf.

I finished paying while my mother-in-law found gifts at the tea shop. All of a sudden she looks at me and said "I totally forgot to get Alyssa anything" We looked around for a few minutes longer and found a perfect tea cup for Alyssa. I did start to tear up a bit. I was so happy that she had even thought of my daughter, that Alyssa was included as a member of the immediate family.

Point Roberts Vacation

Entering Canada about 15 hours into our drive



This is the view we saw from our condo.  I love the sand bars.



This is an eagles nest in one of the trees right acrossed from the beach.



Hanging out at one of the cousins houses. 





Cassie and me walking along the street beside the beach. 

 We got home from vacation on Monday night.  It was the most relaxing vacation I think I ever had. We got away from everything, Internet, phone calls, work, absolutely everything.  We were able to see my husband's Canadian family which we haven't seen in 10 years. There were many days we stayed at the beach just walking and playing.  The weather wasn't that hot at all.  It averaged about 70 degrees.  We have decided we are going back next summer.  It was so nice to have a no obligation vacation.  We weren't worried about being anywhere at a certain time.  We did not even do much sight seeing we just played and walked a lot.