I almost missed this

First of all I am so grateful for the connection Allysa and I have.  I do not know how to explain why I was lucky enough to be in a good no make that a great reunion.  I do not know why we were both ready to meet at the same time.  I do not know why adoption didn't totally break both of us.  I do know I am so lucky and grateful for what we do have.  I am glad to be known as mom, not bmom, not nmom, just mom. 

Yesterday was just an easy day.  We all worked on cleaning the house.  I made some freakin good egg rolls for dinner.  They were chicken and avocado eggrolls with a southwest twist.  Everyone was so happy and then we played the game apples to apples.  It was just silly and fun. 

When Cassie should have been going to bed her and Allysa decided to turn on some music and have a dance party.  I ddin't have the heart to tell them to turn it off and stop dancing.  Instead I just watched my two daughters. I could see the love they had for each other.  I could see how quickly they have bonded.  I could see both Cassie's and Allysa's wounds slowly healing from the loss that was their childhood.  The loss of not having each other as they gre up.

As I watched my two daughters being silly all I could think was how I came so close to missing this.  We might have missed out on years together but we have the present and the future. We will still fight for adoption reform but we have each other as we do it.  We will fight together to get Allysa's OBC.  I would fiight for these things without my daughter's help but it is so nice to do it together.  To be beside each other.  I love to watch her being silly.  I love to be able to calm her fears.  I'm grateful for each moment we have together.

Families and Acceptance

Last week my mother-in-law took Allysa out shopping and to dinner.  My mother-in-law has known about Allysa since my husband and I got married.  I never kept Allysa a secret from her.  We never talked about it a lot but it did come up occasionally.  My younger kids brought up Allysa to their grandma more than I did.  Allysa is not my mother-in-laws biological grand daughter but is now counted in the fold. 

About 2 weeks ago Allysa and my mother-in-law  starting to a make a date to go to dinner and shopping.  Allysa was really excited, she had never done anything like this with any grandparent.  My mother-in-law wanted to get to know Allysa better, plus she always takes the grand kids individually to do things. 

Their date, last Thursday, went better than expected.  They had dinner and shopped for several hours.  My mother-in-law and Allysa both love to shop.  Allysa came home with  new coat (she hasn't had one that fit her for several years) and a new pair of jeans.  Allysa got something even more special than those 2 gifts.  Allysa is starting to know what it is like to be accepted and loved fully by a grandmother.  She is starting to understand what family really means and what it means to be loved in spite of your faults and imperfection.

My mother-in-law has drank the kool-aid.  She has told me many times that as long as a child is loved it doesn't matter who raises them.  She has even said that the only adoptees that really want to search are the ones that had a bad child hood.  She has said that most b$rth moms aren't like me, they are really messed up, they are into drugs and are abusive.  For her to have those view points about adoption but still love Allysa is a big deal to me.  She still accepts Allysa as my daughter.  She is accepting Allysa as part of her family, her grand daughter.  For me that means a lot.  Our views might be polar opposite when it comes to adoption but we both love  all 4 of my children and my husband intensely. 

In a way I do understand her point of view.  She was raised by her parents that took in foster children in the 1960's.   She saw the worst of the cases at a very young age.  For her all adoptions and her foster care situation is one in the same.  She has seen first hand the results of kids being severally abused.  She also has a niece and a nephew (through marriage) that was adopted into her family.  In my mother-in-laws family they have a lot of kinship adoptions too.  If a family member does not want to or can't raise a child then the child/ren goes to a family member to be raised.  Those have been her experiences with adoption.  My experience with adoption is very different.

I'm not a saint I'm not a whore

Last night my husband and I went to his alumni reunion.  At his elementary/Jr high school (K - 8) they have an annual reunion for all alumni during their fall festival.  My husband went to a private Catholic school.  It was the same school, his dad, aunts, uncles, and brothers went to.  It is a very small community parish.  We go every year and even our kids seem to enjoy it.  They have live music, silent auctions, games, foods, and even carnival rides.  Last night Allysa had to work and Cassie had a school dance so it was just my husband and our sons.  As we talked to people that he knew they would ask about kids etc.  We just said we had 4 kids, their ages, and 2 boys and 2 girls.  We didn't go into details other than that.  I had my walls down.  I was not going to go into my story, it was no one's business and at a Catholic private school with devout catholics was not the place to go into our story.  I knew I would be either glorified or demonized, I'm not either I am just a person.

After about an hour my son's had gone off and rode the carnival rides, I decided to look at the silent auction stuff, and my husband continued with small talk with people he knew when he was younger.  After I spent about 20 minutes looking at the silent auction I went back to my husband.  He was talking to an older lady that was about 60 to 70 years old.  I knew that she was a mother to one of his friend.  There was live music going, a lot of people talking and it was dark out.  As I got closer and I heard a few phrases in the conversation I realized they were talking about Allysa moving in with us.  I did not want to discuss this, not here, not now, not with a complete stranger.  I wasn't prepared for this.  I was caught completely off guard, I just wanted to run.

I did something completely immature.  As I stood beside my husband and this woman put me on the spot I lightly kicked my husband in the foot.  It was my signal to him that we need to stop this conversation now.  This woman looked at me with all of her 60+ years of life experience and said what a great thing it waas to place my daughter.  That took the breath away from me.  I was pissed, hurt, ready to cry.  I looked at her in the eye and told her it was something I have regretted every singe day of my life.  I regret for myself for my daughter, for my husband, and for my other children.  She looked at me and said, well how old were you at the time and do you really think you could have raised her.  I answered back that if I wasn't convinced that I couldn't have raised her I would have raised her, there would be no adoption.  I never answered about the age thing.  It would have just played into this ladies bias.  AllI could think was I was no more prepared one year and 3 months later when I got pregnant with my second child.  I had 3 more months of education and that was it.  I went from being 16 when I got pregnant with Allysa to 18 when I got pregnant with Alex. I know the big difference I was married when Alex was born.

She continued on.  She wasn't ready to let up, our story was fascinating to her.  To me my story is not fascinating it is MY life.  A decision that I made 19 years ago I have to live with every day, my kids have to live with every day. This lady then said what an amazing thing it is that we took in this young woman and accepted her.  That OUR children accepted her.  We were being put upon a pedastol for loving my first child, for my other kids to love their sister.  Only in adoption world would we be on a pedastal for loving my first born, for accepting her, for allowing her to live with us, to help support our 19 year old child.  I'm not on a pedastal for raising my other children though.

By the time this conversation was done(It felt like hours but was only about 30 minutes)  I was ready to cry.  I wouldn't allow this woman to see it though.  I went in not expecting or preparing myself to talk about adoption.  It was the farthest thing from my mind.  When I talk about my children to people in peson I NEVER point out the differnces in the child I placed and the 3 I raised I just simply say my 4 children.  I'm very private in person about adoption.  Before I ever talk about it  I feel the person out.  How receptive are they, what is their role in adoption, how will they feel about me after I talk about this.  I never jump into a conversation about adoption head first. I would rather walk away and people not know my real story than be a saint or sinner in a person's eyes. 

Adoption is not an abstract concept in my life it is a part of my life, my children's life, and my grandson's life.  Adoption hasn't touched my life more like it has hit me with a 10 pound hammer.  I really was  not mad at my husband for talking about this, I was upset to be put on the spot by this lady.  Even my husband when the conversation was done understood better why I do not share our story with many people. 

High School Drama

This past week has been full of heartbreaks and drama for each of my kids.  I know you might be shocked but none of this had to do with adoption.  I'm sure everyone thinks I eat sleep, and breath adoption but our lives our so much fuller than that. 

Alex has been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years and she broke up with him a week ago last Saturday.  He is beyond heartbroken.  He has cried a lot and started to open up to us about everything.  The reason why Alex and his gf broke up is because she was interested in a girl.  Honestly I think the break up is good for both of them.  Neither of them have dated anyone else ever.  I would love it if they both dated other people and then if they choose to get back together in 6 months they have had experience with other relationships.  Alex's gf found out after they broke up that the girl she liked isn't interested in her.  Now she wants to get back together with Alex. I know I have no say if they are together or not.  I just have to be there to pick up the broken pieces.

A week ago last Thursday Kenny started holding a girls hand.  They had been friends that hung out in the same group and she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before.  The ex-boyfriend started threatening Ken that he would kick his @$$ the next day at school.  I got involved at this point and the next day (Friday morning) called the principal.  The boys did not fight but Ken and this girl are hanging out every day.  The ex boyfriend is extremely jealous and is getting in Kens and this girl's face all week.  Most of the group that Kenny has hung out with since the beginning of last school year is upset with him.  He has also been upset and cried over everything at school.  He is trying to deal with everything but he goes back and forth between overwhelmed, crying, and really angry.

Next was Cassie of course it has to do with boy drama.  Cassie is really pretty, blond hair and blue eyes but she is on the small side. The problem is she isn't a typical dumb blond.  She is silly and goofy.  She also can be a bit naive.  One guy liked her and wanted to ask her out but he said she was too weird.  She is the kid that doesn't always try to fit in.  She will skip down the hallway on the way to class.  At 13 she hasn't lost a lot of her little kid antics.  Her personality hasn't caught up to her looks.  I don't want her to grow up faster than she is ready but she just wants to fit in. 

And last is Allysa - her ex boyfriend has tried to contact her.  She blocked him on facebook quite a while ago.  When he started texting her and harassing her at the end of February she changed her phone number.  She has done everything in her power to cut off all contact from him.  They had been together a year and broke up last December.  So Friday night/Saturday morning he contacted her through her blog.  He just happened to break up with his current gf days before he tried to get a hold of Allysa.  Allysa freaked out.  Not only was this guy 10 years older than her (they started dating when she was 17 and he was 27), he drank all the time even had a shot of whiskey with his morning coffee, and he was very controlling of her.  He puts her in a panic attack just from her knowing he is trying to get a hold of her, literally.

All of my poor kids are on an emotional roller coaster.  But they have all been there to support and hold each other.  they have talked, cried, and laughed together.  I just wish all of these things wouldn't happen all at the same time.  Can one crisis/drama be done with completely before the next one starts?  I think we are all emotionally at our end.  This next week has to be better, right?

Nowhere Boy

My husband bought "Nowhere Boy"a few weeks ago.   I knew Allysa wanted to watch it but we had not had time to see it together.  Trying to find 2 hours where we both had the patience to watch a movie and we both had time to watch it is nearly impossible.  Allysa loves the Beetles, I could care less about them.  I grew up listening to country and 80's music.  I never cared for the Beetles at all, honestly.  My husband loves the Beetles, he was raised on that kind of music. 

I have rarely sat through a movie and not been completely restless.  This movie was so well acted and written that I had to pay attention. I actually watched it twice, I rarely watch a movie more than once.

This will be a spoiler, if you haven't seen the movie you might want to watch it first before you continue reading. 

John Lennon was raised by his aunt and uncle.  He was not formally adopted but the movie has so much to do with adoption.  As we watched the characters Allysa and I saw ourselves in them.   John's Aunt Mimi is a very strict rigid woman.  She cared more about appearances than anything else.  She loved John but did not know how to express it to him.  She was never able to be the mom he needed.  She provided him with food, clothes, money but he needed more from her.  He needed her to openly love him.

John met his mother, Julia, when he was about 15 or 16.  She was fun, carefree, and openly showed her love to him.  She showered him with kisses, hugged him, and danced with him.  She was also bipolar, which was portrayed so well in this film, she was not demonized.   Julia had 2 younger daughters with her husband Bobby.  The girls looked up to John and adored him.  Bobby loved Julia with all of his heart but he was also very protective over her.  He was afraid that John would trigger her depression.

Julia made John promise that he wouldn't tell his aunt about them meeting.  Julia taught John to play the banjo.  They listened to music and danced together.  They truly just loved each other.  Julia lived within walking distance of where John and his aunt lived.  It was easy for John to sneak over and see his mom.

After a while John started questioning himself, his role, Julia.  Why was he raised by his aunt when his mom lived so close?  How could Julia walk away from him by the time he was 5?  Where does he fit in?  He did have a lot of anger, hurt, and questions.  Honestly, who wouldn't be a bit angry? 

There is a tug of war in John's heart between his aunt that took him in, loved him, and raised him and his mom who loves him in her own way.   We find out that John's mom lost a daughter to adoption when John was a baby/toddler.  Salvation Army took the baby.  After finding that out I saw Julia in a different light.  She had lost 2 of her 4 children.  How many of us would that have driven over the edge?  How many of us would be stable emotionally after losing our first 2 children? 

The only point I really got mad at Julia is when John started to stay the night at Julia's.  He is taking over one of his sister's rooms.  Julia comes in, tucks him in, and kisses him good night.  He asks his mom "How long can I stay here?"   She doesn't answer him.  I wanted to yell and scream at her.  He just wants to know he belongs and you love him as much as your 2 youngest daughters.  Grrrr!  After this Julia goes down stairs and her husband Bobby and her fight over John.  Bobby says that the aunt needs John, john is all she has.  Julia yells at Bobby "I need John, I am his mom".  Such an emotional scene.  It was very triggering as a mom who lost her first child to adoption.

Julia wasn't your stereo typical 1950's mom.  She was a  non-conformist, she taught John that life isn't only about fitting in and doing what you're supposed to do.  She teaches him music; to play, appreciate and live music.  She teaches John to follow his own path, to do as his heart desires.  Aunt Mimi taught John about hard work and discipline.  It took both of these woman to form him into John Lennon of The Beetles.  He has his aunts discipline and his mom's love of life. 

Emotions about OBC

I was prepared for long lines yesterday and not getting any answers.  I was expecting to re-explain to a lot of people what we wanted and why we wanted it.  I wasn't expecting the emotions that it left behind.  It is not my birth certificate.  I could get mine in a few weeks and less than $20, so why am I upset.  I am pissed because I played a part in this.   I played a part in my daughter NOT being allowed her birth certificate.  How did I not think far enough ahead about how these things would affect my daughter?

I saw Allysa getting mad that she has to jump through hoops top get HER birth certificate.  How do you explain to anyone why they should not have their birth certificate?  How do you look someone in the eye and say "denied"?  I truly don't have the answers for her.  I can't understand how my state, or any state, can hold a birth certificate hostage.  Who are they protecting?  They are not protecting me, her father, or her adoptive parents.  This has nothing to do with reuniting.  This has to do with 2 things.  A) She wants her original birth certificate.  The one that shows her original name with her original parents.  B) If she can prove that she is 1/8 Cherokee and that her grandmother was a tribal member she has a greater chance of getting a scholarship.

We could put off reason A for getting her OBC but reason B we can not she needs help in getting a scholarship.  The only proof that says she is Rob's daughter is her OBC.  That is the piece of paper that connects her back to her grandmother.  When will our state realize that having access to OBC's are not about reunion or "disrupting some one's life".  It is about your own identity.  Seeing that you are biologically related to others.  It is about your family histoy. It is more than just a piece of paper.

OBC day 1

This morning we started off with the normal routine.  I got ready with the boys and brought them to school , out of the house by 6:45 and everyone dropped off by 7:30.  Allysa came with us though.  We needed to be at the court office down town by 7:30am.  The court office opens at 8am but the lines start forming early.  I was told that we would need to start with the self help court office and they would point us in the right direction.  They would let us know what papers, etc needed to be filled out. 

After finding parking for only $6 for the day we went to the end of the line.  We got into line about 7:40 but we were still about the 20th in line.  Exactly at 8am the doors opened and we went through security.  FYI  - I found out that you can not bring cameras into a court house, I did not know that.  We waited inside in line for about 30 minutes and then we were being helped. 

The lady asked what we were there for and I said, "She is adopted and wants to get her OBC because we found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian   We can not get death certificates for her great grandmother, or find out about her family without proof of who she really is"  Her response was I think those are sealed.  I told her yes they are and we will need a court order to unseal it but we need to know the first step.  I then told her that I am Allysa's natural mom, so the court will not be protecting her from me or visa versa.  She responded that she did not know what to do but she would see what she could do to help.  She then went on her computer for about 10 minutes to look some things up.  We were told that not many people ever come in to get help with opening their OBC.

She came back with a pamphlet and a form for us to fill out and phone numbers to call in Sacramento.  The title of the pamphlet and was "Do you want to look in an adoption file or get a copy of an Adoptee's original birth certificate."  The first line on this is How:Ask the court to let you read a confidential(secret)adoption file or get a certified copy of an adoptee's original birth certificate.  I found it interesting that the word secret was actually used.

We are filling out a form that says "request to see Adoption File and court order" after all 3 pages are filled out we send it to the Probate Clerk's Office in our county.  The next step is waiting to see if the paperwork is stamped Allowed or Not Allowed.  On the paperwork it says this can take up to a year. We are filling out the information today and sending it off by this weekend. 

We also went to LDSFS to get paperwork filled out for her to get her full adoption file.   Neither Allysa or I do very well in LDSFS.  There is something about that place that leaves us both empty and hurt.  It is just an office like any other but with pamphlets everywhere about adoption.  There is also one pamphlet for addiction.  I guess that one is for after you place and you are left empty and then turn to alcohol and drugs.  (I'm teasing on the reason why they have that pamphlet).

When we told the counselor at LDSFS that we needed Allysa's OBC and full adoption file so she can prove her heritage she asked what is an OBC.  Really, we had to tell her what an OBC stands for,  shouldn't they know adoption lingo?

The rest of the day Allysa and I have had alone just to relax.  With 6 of us living together I usually do not get alone time with any of my kids.   This sure ended up being a nicer day than planned.