I just wanted to dissect the PAL that I found here
Before I get into each section I wanted everyone to see it. My next few posts will be about PAL. After reading this it leaves me wondering who the positive adoption language is for?
"Words are very powerful. Positive adoption language aims to end the negative stereotypes and misconceptions regarding adoption, while educating others that all families look different and form in different ways. Here are some keys to positive adoption language.
1. The adoptive parents are the “real” parents. The real parents are the grown-ups who will take care of the child every day and for the rest of their lives. When referring to who gave birth to the child, simply say birth parent or birth woman. A biological father is not referred to as the real father, but the biological one.
2. We often hear biological parents of children referred to as the “natural” parents. This negatively implies that there is something unnatural about being an adoptive parent. Biological parents should simply be referred to as biological parents.
3. Adoptive families do not refer to their own children as an adopted child, a natural child, or my own child (meaning biological or by birth). All children in families are the parent’s own children.
4. Adoption is an event that happened in a child’s life when the child joined his or her family. Using positive adoption language, notice use of verb tense. The child “was” adopted indicates that the event is past tense and already happened. To say that a child “is” adopted implies the process is still ongoing. This is not true. We would simply say, “George was adopted.”
5. When speaking about adoption, it is important to note that birth parents make an adoption plan to place the child in a home to be cared for and raised. The child who was adopted was not “given away” or “unwanted.” The child should know he or she is loved and an adoption plan was created for them to live in a forever family.
6. Children born to unmarried parents are simply referred to as that. Using positive adoption language, the child is would never be referred to as “illegitimate.” Every human being is a true miracle and has a legitimate place on the Earth.
7. Children who were adopted and later seek out their biological parents should not be referred to as “trying to track down their real parents.” The child is “searching” for biological parents. If they meet, it is not a “reunion,” but instead referred to as “making contact.”
8. A child adopted from another country is not a “foreign” child. The word foreign implies that it does not belong. Instead, the child is from abroad.
9. Using positive adoption language, we would never refer to a child as “adopted,” just as we would never say an “IVF” baby, a failed contraception baby, or a c-section baby.
10. Adoption is a private matter between a child and his or her family. All families form in different ways, are all equally beautiful, and should be respected as such."
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
Thursday, October 20, 2011
I spoke too soon
I received a phone call this afternoon from LDSFS. They had a copy of Allysa's OBC and her adoption decree in her adoption file. Since Allysa already knows who I am they just sent over the file by email. We now have a copy of her OBC!!!! We do not have to go to court or do anything else. I guess it helps to be the squeaky wheel.
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
my beloved agency....
About a month ago Allysa and I went to LDSFS. We are trying to get her adoption file opened and see if they are able to also help to get her OBC. I hadn't heard back so last Thursday I called. I was told the person (the SW) I needed to talk to wouldn't be in until Monday morning. I didn't hear back on Monday, so I called yesterday around 4. The person still was not there. I finally received a call back this morning. She has been trying to get a hold of the adoption lawyer but has heard nothing. Basically how it was explained is the agency can not pull it's own files from Salt Lake City. They have to have a lawyer request it. But the lawyer is on retainer through the agency. Are you still following me? A lawyer that is not on payroll but retained has to ask for the paperwork from the agency's headquarters.
Basically after a month we are still at square one with the agency. I remember when I was pregnant if I had a question or concern I would get a call back immediately. But now that it has been 19 years since I placed, and they have received money from 2 families that adopted my descendants, I'm put on the back burner. It makes me feel so warm and loved all over....blah.(I don't think I could feel more used). At least I know now that they were really after, a new born infant. Now that Allysa is an adult and we are asking questions and wanting documents we are less than. We are not important as a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, we are the aftermath.
Basically after a month we are still at square one with the agency. I remember when I was pregnant if I had a question or concern I would get a call back immediately. But now that it has been 19 years since I placed, and they have received money from 2 families that adopted my descendants, I'm put on the back burner. It makes me feel so warm and loved all over....blah.(I don't think I could feel more used). At least I know now that they were really after, a new born infant. Now that Allysa is an adult and we are asking questions and wanting documents we are less than. We are not important as a woman experiencing an unplanned pregnancy, we are the aftermath.
Monday, October 17, 2011
I almost missed this
First of all I am so grateful for the connection Allysa and I have. I do not know how to explain why I was lucky enough to be in a good no make that a great reunion. I do not know why we were both ready to meet at the same time. I do not know why adoption didn't totally break both of us. I do know I am so lucky and grateful for what we do have. I am glad to be known as mom, not bmom, not nmom, just mom.
Yesterday was just an easy day. We all worked on cleaning the house. I made some freakin good egg rolls for dinner. They were chicken and avocado eggrolls with a southwest twist. Everyone was so happy and then we played the game apples to apples. It was just silly and fun.
When Cassie should have been going to bed her and Allysa decided to turn on some music and have a dance party. I ddin't have the heart to tell them to turn it off and stop dancing. Instead I just watched my two daughters. I could see the love they had for each other. I could see how quickly they have bonded. I could see both Cassie's and Allysa's wounds slowly healing from the loss that was their childhood. The loss of not having each other as they gre up.
As I watched my two daughters being silly all I could think was how I came so close to missing this. We might have missed out on years together but we have the present and the future. We will still fight for adoption reform but we have each other as we do it. We will fight together to get Allysa's OBC. I would fiight for these things without my daughter's help but it is so nice to do it together. To be beside each other. I love to watch her being silly. I love to be able to calm her fears. I'm grateful for each moment we have together.
Yesterday was just an easy day. We all worked on cleaning the house. I made some freakin good egg rolls for dinner. They were chicken and avocado eggrolls with a southwest twist. Everyone was so happy and then we played the game apples to apples. It was just silly and fun.
When Cassie should have been going to bed her and Allysa decided to turn on some music and have a dance party. I ddin't have the heart to tell them to turn it off and stop dancing. Instead I just watched my two daughters. I could see the love they had for each other. I could see how quickly they have bonded. I could see both Cassie's and Allysa's wounds slowly healing from the loss that was their childhood. The loss of not having each other as they gre up.
As I watched my two daughters being silly all I could think was how I came so close to missing this. We might have missed out on years together but we have the present and the future. We will still fight for adoption reform but we have each other as we do it. We will fight together to get Allysa's OBC. I would fiight for these things without my daughter's help but it is so nice to do it together. To be beside each other. I love to watch her being silly. I love to be able to calm her fears. I'm grateful for each moment we have together.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Families and Acceptance
Last week my mother-in-law took Allysa out shopping and to dinner. My mother-in-law has known about Allysa since my husband and I got married. I never kept Allysa a secret from her. We never talked about it a lot but it did come up occasionally. My younger kids brought up Allysa to their grandma more than I did. Allysa is not my mother-in-laws biological grand daughter but is now counted in the fold.
About 2 weeks ago Allysa and my mother-in-law starting to a make a date to go to dinner and shopping. Allysa was really excited, she had never done anything like this with any grandparent. My mother-in-law wanted to get to know Allysa better, plus she always takes the grand kids individually to do things.
Their date, last Thursday, went better than expected. They had dinner and shopped for several hours. My mother-in-law and Allysa both love to shop. Allysa came home with new coat (she hasn't had one that fit her for several years) and a new pair of jeans. Allysa got something even more special than those 2 gifts. Allysa is starting to know what it is like to be accepted and loved fully by a grandmother. She is starting to understand what family really means and what it means to be loved in spite of your faults and imperfection.
My mother-in-law has drank the kool-aid. She has told me many times that as long as a child is loved it doesn't matter who raises them. She has even said that the only adoptees that really want to search are the ones that had a bad child hood. She has said that most b$rth moms aren't like me, they are really messed up, they are into drugs and are abusive. For her to have those view points about adoption but still love Allysa is a big deal to me. She still accepts Allysa as my daughter. She is accepting Allysa as part of her family, her grand daughter. For me that means a lot. Our views might be polar opposite when it comes to adoption but we both love all 4 of my children and my husband intensely.
In a way I do understand her point of view. She was raised by her parents that took in foster children in the 1960's. She saw the worst of the cases at a very young age. For her all adoptions and her foster care situation is one in the same. She has seen first hand the results of kids being severally abused. She also has a niece and a nephew (through marriage) that was adopted into her family. In my mother-in-laws family they have a lot of kinship adoptions too. If a family member does not want to or can't raise a child then the child/ren goes to a family member to be raised. Those have been her experiences with adoption. My experience with adoption is very different.
About 2 weeks ago Allysa and my mother-in-law starting to a make a date to go to dinner and shopping. Allysa was really excited, she had never done anything like this with any grandparent. My mother-in-law wanted to get to know Allysa better, plus she always takes the grand kids individually to do things.
Their date, last Thursday, went better than expected. They had dinner and shopped for several hours. My mother-in-law and Allysa both love to shop. Allysa came home with new coat (she hasn't had one that fit her for several years) and a new pair of jeans. Allysa got something even more special than those 2 gifts. Allysa is starting to know what it is like to be accepted and loved fully by a grandmother. She is starting to understand what family really means and what it means to be loved in spite of your faults and imperfection.
My mother-in-law has drank the kool-aid. She has told me many times that as long as a child is loved it doesn't matter who raises them. She has even said that the only adoptees that really want to search are the ones that had a bad child hood. She has said that most b$rth moms aren't like me, they are really messed up, they are into drugs and are abusive. For her to have those view points about adoption but still love Allysa is a big deal to me. She still accepts Allysa as my daughter. She is accepting Allysa as part of her family, her grand daughter. For me that means a lot. Our views might be polar opposite when it comes to adoption but we both love all 4 of my children and my husband intensely.
In a way I do understand her point of view. She was raised by her parents that took in foster children in the 1960's. She saw the worst of the cases at a very young age. For her all adoptions and her foster care situation is one in the same. She has seen first hand the results of kids being severally abused. She also has a niece and a nephew (through marriage) that was adopted into her family. In my mother-in-laws family they have a lot of kinship adoptions too. If a family member does not want to or can't raise a child then the child/ren goes to a family member to be raised. Those have been her experiences with adoption. My experience with adoption is very different.
Saturday, October 8, 2011
I'm not a saint I'm not a whore
Last night my husband and I went to his alumni reunion. At his elementary/Jr high school (K - 8) they have an annual reunion for all alumni during their fall festival. My husband went to a private Catholic school. It was the same school, his dad, aunts, uncles, and brothers went to. It is a very small community parish. We go every year and even our kids seem to enjoy it. They have live music, silent auctions, games, foods, and even carnival rides. Last night Allysa had to work and Cassie had a school dance so it was just my husband and our sons. As we talked to people that he knew they would ask about kids etc. We just said we had 4 kids, their ages, and 2 boys and 2 girls. We didn't go into details other than that. I had my walls down. I was not going to go into my story, it was no one's business and at a Catholic private school with devout catholics was not the place to go into our story. I knew I would be either glorified or demonized, I'm not either I am just a person.
After about an hour my son's had gone off and rode the carnival rides, I decided to look at the silent auction stuff, and my husband continued with small talk with people he knew when he was younger. After I spent about 20 minutes looking at the silent auction I went back to my husband. He was talking to an older lady that was about 60 to 70 years old. I knew that she was a mother to one of his friend. There was live music going, a lot of people talking and it was dark out. As I got closer and I heard a few phrases in the conversation I realized they were talking about Allysa moving in with us. I did not want to discuss this, not here, not now, not with a complete stranger. I wasn't prepared for this. I was caught completely off guard, I just wanted to run.
I did something completely immature. As I stood beside my husband and this woman put me on the spot I lightly kicked my husband in the foot. It was my signal to him that we need to stop this conversation now. This woman looked at me with all of her 60+ years of life experience and said what a great thing it waas to place my daughter. That took the breath away from me. I was pissed, hurt, ready to cry. I looked at her in the eye and told her it was something I have regretted every singe day of my life. I regret for myself for my daughter, for my husband, and for my other children. She looked at me and said, well how old were you at the time and do you really think you could have raised her. I answered back that if I wasn't convinced that I couldn't have raised her I would have raised her, there would be no adoption. I never answered about the age thing. It would have just played into this ladies bias. AllI could think was I was no more prepared one year and 3 months later when I got pregnant with my second child. I had 3 more months of education and that was it. I went from being 16 when I got pregnant with Allysa to 18 when I got pregnant with Alex. I know the big difference I was married when Alex was born.
She continued on. She wasn't ready to let up, our story was fascinating to her. To me my story is not fascinating it is MY life. A decision that I made 19 years ago I have to live with every day, my kids have to live with every day. This lady then said what an amazing thing it is that we took in this young woman and accepted her. That OUR children accepted her. We were being put upon a pedastol for loving my first child, for my other kids to love their sister. Only in adoption world would we be on a pedastal for loving my first born, for accepting her, for allowing her to live with us, to help support our 19 year old child. I'm not on a pedastal for raising my other children though.
By the time this conversation was done(It felt like hours but was only about 30 minutes) I was ready to cry. I wouldn't allow this woman to see it though. I went in not expecting or preparing myself to talk about adoption. It was the farthest thing from my mind. When I talk about my children to people in peson I NEVER point out the differnces in the child I placed and the 3 I raised I just simply say my 4 children. I'm very private in person about adoption. Before I ever talk about it I feel the person out. How receptive are they, what is their role in adoption, how will they feel about me after I talk about this. I never jump into a conversation about adoption head first. I would rather walk away and people not know my real story than be a saint or sinner in a person's eyes.
Adoption is not an abstract concept in my life it is a part of my life, my children's life, and my grandson's life. Adoption hasn't touched my life more like it has hit me with a 10 pound hammer. I really was not mad at my husband for talking about this, I was upset to be put on the spot by this lady. Even my husband when the conversation was done understood better why I do not share our story with many people.
After about an hour my son's had gone off and rode the carnival rides, I decided to look at the silent auction stuff, and my husband continued with small talk with people he knew when he was younger. After I spent about 20 minutes looking at the silent auction I went back to my husband. He was talking to an older lady that was about 60 to 70 years old. I knew that she was a mother to one of his friend. There was live music going, a lot of people talking and it was dark out. As I got closer and I heard a few phrases in the conversation I realized they were talking about Allysa moving in with us. I did not want to discuss this, not here, not now, not with a complete stranger. I wasn't prepared for this. I was caught completely off guard, I just wanted to run.
I did something completely immature. As I stood beside my husband and this woman put me on the spot I lightly kicked my husband in the foot. It was my signal to him that we need to stop this conversation now. This woman looked at me with all of her 60+ years of life experience and said what a great thing it waas to place my daughter. That took the breath away from me. I was pissed, hurt, ready to cry. I looked at her in the eye and told her it was something I have regretted every singe day of my life. I regret for myself for my daughter, for my husband, and for my other children. She looked at me and said, well how old were you at the time and do you really think you could have raised her. I answered back that if I wasn't convinced that I couldn't have raised her I would have raised her, there would be no adoption. I never answered about the age thing. It would have just played into this ladies bias. AllI could think was I was no more prepared one year and 3 months later when I got pregnant with my second child. I had 3 more months of education and that was it. I went from being 16 when I got pregnant with Allysa to 18 when I got pregnant with Alex. I know the big difference I was married when Alex was born.
She continued on. She wasn't ready to let up, our story was fascinating to her. To me my story is not fascinating it is MY life. A decision that I made 19 years ago I have to live with every day, my kids have to live with every day. This lady then said what an amazing thing it is that we took in this young woman and accepted her. That OUR children accepted her. We were being put upon a pedastol for loving my first child, for my other kids to love their sister. Only in adoption world would we be on a pedastal for loving my first born, for accepting her, for allowing her to live with us, to help support our 19 year old child. I'm not on a pedastal for raising my other children though.
By the time this conversation was done(It felt like hours but was only about 30 minutes) I was ready to cry. I wouldn't allow this woman to see it though. I went in not expecting or preparing myself to talk about adoption. It was the farthest thing from my mind. When I talk about my children to people in peson I NEVER point out the differnces in the child I placed and the 3 I raised I just simply say my 4 children. I'm very private in person about adoption. Before I ever talk about it I feel the person out. How receptive are they, what is their role in adoption, how will they feel about me after I talk about this. I never jump into a conversation about adoption head first. I would rather walk away and people not know my real story than be a saint or sinner in a person's eyes.
Adoption is not an abstract concept in my life it is a part of my life, my children's life, and my grandson's life. Adoption hasn't touched my life more like it has hit me with a 10 pound hammer. I really was not mad at my husband for talking about this, I was upset to be put on the spot by this lady. Even my husband when the conversation was done understood better why I do not share our story with many people.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
High School Drama
This past week has been full of heartbreaks and drama for each of my kids. I know you might be shocked but none of this had to do with adoption. I'm sure everyone thinks I eat sleep, and breath adoption but our lives our so much fuller than that.
Alex has been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years and she broke up with him a week ago last Saturday. He is beyond heartbroken. He has cried a lot and started to open up to us about everything. The reason why Alex and his gf broke up is because she was interested in a girl. Honestly I think the break up is good for both of them. Neither of them have dated anyone else ever. I would love it if they both dated other people and then if they choose to get back together in 6 months they have had experience with other relationships. Alex's gf found out after they broke up that the girl she liked isn't interested in her. Now she wants to get back together with Alex. I know I have no say if they are together or not. I just have to be there to pick up the broken pieces.
A week ago last Thursday Kenny started holding a girls hand. They had been friends that hung out in the same group and she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before. The ex-boyfriend started threatening Ken that he would kick his @$$ the next day at school. I got involved at this point and the next day (Friday morning) called the principal. The boys did not fight but Ken and this girl are hanging out every day. The ex boyfriend is extremely jealous and is getting in Kens and this girl's face all week. Most of the group that Kenny has hung out with since the beginning of last school year is upset with him. He has also been upset and cried over everything at school. He is trying to deal with everything but he goes back and forth between overwhelmed, crying, and really angry.
Next was Cassie of course it has to do with boy drama. Cassie is really pretty, blond hair and blue eyes but she is on the small side. The problem is she isn't a typical dumb blond. She is silly and goofy. She also can be a bit naive. One guy liked her and wanted to ask her out but he said she was too weird. She is the kid that doesn't always try to fit in. She will skip down the hallway on the way to class. At 13 she hasn't lost a lot of her little kid antics. Her personality hasn't caught up to her looks. I don't want her to grow up faster than she is ready but she just wants to fit in.
And last is Allysa - her ex boyfriend has tried to contact her. She blocked him on facebook quite a while ago. When he started texting her and harassing her at the end of February she changed her phone number. She has done everything in her power to cut off all contact from him. They had been together a year and broke up last December. So Friday night/Saturday morning he contacted her through her blog. He just happened to break up with his current gf days before he tried to get a hold of Allysa. Allysa freaked out. Not only was this guy 10 years older than her (they started dating when she was 17 and he was 27), he drank all the time even had a shot of whiskey with his morning coffee, and he was very controlling of her. He puts her in a panic attack just from her knowing he is trying to get a hold of her, literally.
All of my poor kids are on an emotional roller coaster. But they have all been there to support and hold each other. they have talked, cried, and laughed together. I just wish all of these things wouldn't happen all at the same time. Can one crisis/drama be done with completely before the next one starts? I think we are all emotionally at our end. This next week has to be better, right?
Alex has been with his girlfriend for almost 2 years and she broke up with him a week ago last Saturday. He is beyond heartbroken. He has cried a lot and started to open up to us about everything. The reason why Alex and his gf broke up is because she was interested in a girl. Honestly I think the break up is good for both of them. Neither of them have dated anyone else ever. I would love it if they both dated other people and then if they choose to get back together in 6 months they have had experience with other relationships. Alex's gf found out after they broke up that the girl she liked isn't interested in her. Now she wants to get back together with Alex. I know I have no say if they are together or not. I just have to be there to pick up the broken pieces.
A week ago last Thursday Kenny started holding a girls hand. They had been friends that hung out in the same group and she had broken up with her boyfriend the day before. The ex-boyfriend started threatening Ken that he would kick his @$$ the next day at school. I got involved at this point and the next day (Friday morning) called the principal. The boys did not fight but Ken and this girl are hanging out every day. The ex boyfriend is extremely jealous and is getting in Kens and this girl's face all week. Most of the group that Kenny has hung out with since the beginning of last school year is upset with him. He has also been upset and cried over everything at school. He is trying to deal with everything but he goes back and forth between overwhelmed, crying, and really angry.
Next was Cassie of course it has to do with boy drama. Cassie is really pretty, blond hair and blue eyes but she is on the small side. The problem is she isn't a typical dumb blond. She is silly and goofy. She also can be a bit naive. One guy liked her and wanted to ask her out but he said she was too weird. She is the kid that doesn't always try to fit in. She will skip down the hallway on the way to class. At 13 she hasn't lost a lot of her little kid antics. Her personality hasn't caught up to her looks. I don't want her to grow up faster than she is ready but she just wants to fit in.
And last is Allysa - her ex boyfriend has tried to contact her. She blocked him on facebook quite a while ago. When he started texting her and harassing her at the end of February she changed her phone number. She has done everything in her power to cut off all contact from him. They had been together a year and broke up last December. So Friday night/Saturday morning he contacted her through her blog. He just happened to break up with his current gf days before he tried to get a hold of Allysa. Allysa freaked out. Not only was this guy 10 years older than her (they started dating when she was 17 and he was 27), he drank all the time even had a shot of whiskey with his morning coffee, and he was very controlling of her. He puts her in a panic attack just from her knowing he is trying to get a hold of her, literally.
All of my poor kids are on an emotional roller coaster. But they have all been there to support and hold each other. they have talked, cried, and laughed together. I just wish all of these things wouldn't happen all at the same time. Can one crisis/drama be done with completely before the next one starts? I think we are all emotionally at our end. This next week has to be better, right?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)