I was talking to Alyssa a few months ago. She was saying how her upstairs neighbor saw pictures of Owen and commented that she could never give away her children. This is a woman that smokes pot while her toddlers are in the same room as her, a woman that would do other harder drugs in front of her babies. This woman has 2 children. I have heard this sentiment many times myself. Yes those words hurt, especially coming from people who do not try to understand but pass judgement. When this comes from mothers that are not putting their children's needs in their own wants that really hurts us.
The other thing that I have noticed from many natural moms is so often they are the women that have such high potential as mothers. Woman that I see are the most amazing mothers to their raised kids. These mothers raise the bar for the rest of us. Woman that would sacrifice themselves for the best interest of their child. Or what they are convinced is the best thing for their baby. The women that are so careful during pregnancy that they worry about everything they put in their body. They do this because they love their child and want the best start for their child. agencies. We have all seen those advertisements "Are you scared, single, and pregnant? We can help" Every single mother married or not is scared as a parent. Even if you have other children each pregnancy is scary. You wonder how you are going to juggle everything. How are you going to be the best mom for each child. Will your other children feel less loved because of the new baby. What dynamics will be brought into the family? Can you really afford another child?
I have also noticed for me and many other natural moms that what we expect from adoptive parents is a very high standard too. When they do not meet those standards as parents to our children we are deeply hurt and it comes out as anger. I am talking more than meeting the basic needs of our children but being exceptional parents and meeting our children's emotional needs too.
My third child was my only planned pregnancy. I was on "light bed rest" mot of the pregnancy. I was excited for my child to be born but scared as hell too. I had not raised 2 children at the same time. How was I going to do everything for both children. How could I as a mother meet all of their needs? Can we really afford 2 children. Well no we could not live like the Jones' and afford 2 kids at all. We had to cut back on every extra expense. We had to be very careful what we bought. And of course it went through my head would my first born hate it that I had more children? Would she be hurt and upset when she found out and processed it?
You do take into account how will the next child affect your other children. Will you have enough time and energy for all of them? For me the money part isn't as important and the time the kids need from me. Money can come and go but it does not make great parents.
Why do people say "I couldn't give away my child"? For one I think they honestly can't imagine it at all. It is hard to put yourself in that woman's shoes that gave her child away. It is hard to find empathy within ourselves. For most of society it is unthinkable. I often wonder do they realize they way their words hurt?
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
Related by birth
I just saw "Related by Birth", it was very good but a bit emotional. Make sure you have a box of kleenex by you.
If you'd like to screen "Related by Birth" there will be open access to the pre-release version of the movie from now until Sunday evening. Please feel free to pass along to friends you think would be interested. And Related By Birth would love to hear all feedback. Thank you.
http://www.rbbpreview.com/
face book site http://www.facebook.com/relatedbybirth?ref=ts
If you'd like to screen "Related by Birth" there will be open access to the pre-release version of the movie from now until Sunday evening. Please feel free to pass along to friends you think would be interested. And Related By Birth would love to hear all feedback. Thank you.
http://www.rbbpreview.com/
face book site http://www.facebook.com/relatedbybirth?ref=ts
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Pics from the Alyssa's trip to California
Alyssa and Owen
Alyssa and Ian in San Francisco
Ian Alyssa Jer and I in San Francisco
Alyssa and me in San Francisco
Alyssa and I walking the beach at Pigeon Point
Alyssa walking in Santa Cruz
Kenny and Alyssa in a hat shop in San Francisco
Alyssa and Cassie making silly faces
The kids in San Francisco
Personalities and Hereditary
Growing up my mom very rarely wore make up, until she moved to Utah I would do her make up for her if she wanted to wear any. My mom usually kept her hair short, and never colored it. For work she dressed nice but if she wasn't working she dressed very casual. On Saturdays if she didn't have to go anywhere she would stay in pajamas most of the day. My mom has always been pretty big boned too. Her wedding ring is a size 8 and my wedding ring is a size 5.5. My mom has to add links to her watch to get them to fit wear as often tomes watches are big on my wrist. My mom even made me a bracelet watch for my birthday. She measured my wrist to get the exact size. After she made it she commented that she thought she mis-measured because no adult woman could possibly have that small of a wrist. The watch fit perfectly.
I on the other hand have colored my hair every 6 to 8 weeks for the last 7 years. I do not have grey hair at all but I was bored being a natural blond and wanted to cross over to the wild side of dark hair. I always wear make up even to run to walmart or go to the beach. I wear 4 inch heels on a daily basis even with jeans and a t-shirt. I usually am dressed up a bit even on the weekends. I do not do the mani-pedi thing though. I have never got a professional massage in my life. I adore the 1950's style with pencil skirt and sweater sets, the sexy secretary look. Even when I wear shorts I have on heels and a blouse.
I was talking to my dad last Friday and he was frustrated a bit with my 90 year old grandma (my mom's mom). She had to get a new hearing aid but refused to have the appointment before her hair appointment on Thursday morning. He couldn't understand why my grandmother would put off going to her doctors just because her hair wasn't done. I totally got it. I understood where she was coming from 100%. I probably would do the same thing if I was her. I have this thing where you always try to look your best all the time. Neither him or my mom could understood her but I could. I was not raised around my grandma. The most I saw her was once a year for two weeks. She was not a big influence on my life at all. But some how her attitude and dressstyle was passed down to me but skipped my mom.
Alyssa comes in my life and while we were writing when she was 15 we found out we had a lot in common. Both of us were obsessed with hair and make up. Alyssa even wanted to go to cosmetology school like I had wanted to at her age. We even wore the same colors of make up at the same time, burgundy eyeshadow with black eye liner and blackest black mascara. Alyssa is also hugely into the 1950's style. We are now the exact same clothes size and our shoes are only about a half size different. Alyssa has inherited a whole new closet when she comes to visit me. We have both been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years too. It has been interesting to say the least to see how much has been inherited personality wise.
I do have to say sometimes it throws me to see her and see someone that has my body. She has made the same comment about Cassie and myself. A couple of months ago Alyssa was noticing that Cassie and her stomach were identical. They are both thin, thin enough to see their rib cage and hip bones but neither have any muscle definition in their abs. All 3 of us have very long legs but short torsos. You can tell that Alyssa looks like she belongs with our family. She looks like us, and acts like us, she blends in so well. I just never expected it. I was obviously very naive before reunion.
I on the other hand have colored my hair every 6 to 8 weeks for the last 7 years. I do not have grey hair at all but I was bored being a natural blond and wanted to cross over to the wild side of dark hair. I always wear make up even to run to walmart or go to the beach. I wear 4 inch heels on a daily basis even with jeans and a t-shirt. I usually am dressed up a bit even on the weekends. I do not do the mani-pedi thing though. I have never got a professional massage in my life. I adore the 1950's style with pencil skirt and sweater sets, the sexy secretary look. Even when I wear shorts I have on heels and a blouse.
I was talking to my dad last Friday and he was frustrated a bit with my 90 year old grandma (my mom's mom). She had to get a new hearing aid but refused to have the appointment before her hair appointment on Thursday morning. He couldn't understand why my grandmother would put off going to her doctors just because her hair wasn't done. I totally got it. I understood where she was coming from 100%. I probably would do the same thing if I was her. I have this thing where you always try to look your best all the time. Neither him or my mom could understood her but I could. I was not raised around my grandma. The most I saw her was once a year for two weeks. She was not a big influence on my life at all. But some how her attitude and dressstyle was passed down to me but skipped my mom.
Alyssa comes in my life and while we were writing when she was 15 we found out we had a lot in common. Both of us were obsessed with hair and make up. Alyssa even wanted to go to cosmetology school like I had wanted to at her age. We even wore the same colors of make up at the same time, burgundy eyeshadow with black eye liner and blackest black mascara. Alyssa is also hugely into the 1950's style. We are now the exact same clothes size and our shoes are only about a half size different. Alyssa has inherited a whole new closet when she comes to visit me. We have both been obsessed with Marilyn Monroe for years too. It has been interesting to say the least to see how much has been inherited personality wise.
I do have to say sometimes it throws me to see her and see someone that has my body. She has made the same comment about Cassie and myself. A couple of months ago Alyssa was noticing that Cassie and her stomach were identical. They are both thin, thin enough to see their rib cage and hip bones but neither have any muscle definition in their abs. All 3 of us have very long legs but short torsos. You can tell that Alyssa looks like she belongs with our family. She looks like us, and acts like us, she blends in so well. I just never expected it. I was obviously very naive before reunion.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Sunday March 13
Last Sunday Alyssa and Ian got up early and packed their things. They were going to spilt up the 12 hour drive into 2 days. We figured it usually takes 5 hours to go to Reno. We knew they would need to leave by 2 but we wanted to bring Ian to see a lighthouse. He had mentioned earlier in the week that he loved light houses. We drove about an hour or 2 out to Pigeon point light house. I had been once before and had enjoyed it. It is very secluded and relaxing.
We drove to the light house and went in where they had the history of the light house. We walked around the outside and the waves were just amazing. The rocks that jutted out from the water had sea lions on them. It was gorgeous. They have a small gift shop and we were talking to the lady that works there. We found out that just to the left of the light house there were stairs that lead down to a beautiful secluded beach.
Of course we had to explore this. It was a cool windy day so no one was around at all but the seven of us. We found on this beach a ton of sea shells, a tide pool, star fish, sea anemone, sea cucumber, muscles, and tons of rocks to climb. We explored this small beach for an hour. We decided to then go to a great dive bar/diner for lunch. It was called Whale city Bakery Bar and Grill. For us it was a little bit expensive but they have big proportions and great food. We finished eating right about 2. Alyssa headed to there hotel in Reno and we headed home. We said good bye at the restaurant. No tears just lots of hugs, I still wasn't ready for them to leave but it no longer tears out my heart so badly. Good bye seems to be easier because we are both more secure in our relationship. We know it won't be long til we see each other again. We talk every day and text a lot through out the day. Our family doesn't feel totally complete when she isn't with us but we know where we belong in each others lives. That has helped all of us a lot.
We have had many deep talks. She can understand why she was placed and I have understood the heartache for her to be adopted and not grow up in her family of origin. We have learned and grown because of each other. My whole family has accepted and welcomed her because she is and always has been part of our family. We have waited so many years to have her in our life. Some of the hurt will always be there but there is forgiveness too.
We drove to the light house and went in where they had the history of the light house. We walked around the outside and the waves were just amazing. The rocks that jutted out from the water had sea lions on them. It was gorgeous. They have a small gift shop and we were talking to the lady that works there. We found out that just to the left of the light house there were stairs that lead down to a beautiful secluded beach.
Of course we had to explore this. It was a cool windy day so no one was around at all but the seven of us. We found on this beach a ton of sea shells, a tide pool, star fish, sea anemone, sea cucumber, muscles, and tons of rocks to climb. We explored this small beach for an hour. We decided to then go to a great dive bar/diner for lunch. It was called Whale city Bakery Bar and Grill. For us it was a little bit expensive but they have big proportions and great food. We finished eating right about 2. Alyssa headed to there hotel in Reno and we headed home. We said good bye at the restaurant. No tears just lots of hugs, I still wasn't ready for them to leave but it no longer tears out my heart so badly. Good bye seems to be easier because we are both more secure in our relationship. We know it won't be long til we see each other again. We talk every day and text a lot through out the day. Our family doesn't feel totally complete when she isn't with us but we know where we belong in each others lives. That has helped all of us a lot.
We have had many deep talks. She can understand why she was placed and I have understood the heartache for her to be adopted and not grow up in her family of origin. We have learned and grown because of each other. My whole family has accepted and welcomed her because she is and always has been part of our family. We have waited so many years to have her in our life. Some of the hurt will always be there but there is forgiveness too.
Saturday, March 19, 2011
Saturday March 12
Saturday morning Alyssa, Jer and I went to Best Buy to get Alyssa a new phone. She wanted a new phone number that her ex didn't have. She also wanted a Blackberry. As we looked around the sales associate asked if we needed help. Jer just said "My daughter is looking at getting a new phone" Alyssa and I just looked at each other. He doesn't have to claim her. He did not raise her and did not meet her until a year ago. He did start writing her letters about the time she was 16. It was the sweetest thing. I know Alyssa felt like she was accepted and loved. She did end up getting a new phone, of course a hot pink one.
My friends were having a party at their house in the afternoon. These friends have a get together at least once a month. They just make excuses to have people over. This weekends they were having a "Bring your own John" Basically they have a lot of friends named John so everyone was supposed to bring a friend named John. I know silly party but we love to get together with everyone. I didn't have any friends named John that could go so we took the "bring your own john" meaning differently. We decided to dress Ian as a pimp and Alyssa and I wore mini skirts and i wore my hooter tank top. I know our sense of humor is really off. But we thought it was funny and we asked my friend if it would be okay. I didn't want to offend anyone.
We had dinner and most people were drinking wine, personally I don't drink wine so we just hung out and talked. There were kids there from age 2 to 19 and adults of all ages. About 7:30 my kids wanted to go home but we weren't quite ready. Alyssa and Ian offered to drive home since we brought 2 cars. Wow that was really nice I'm not used to having another driver. So Jer and I stayed for about 2 hours more. The kids got some time alone without us parents. I know my raised kids do enjoy time alone with their big sister. I think it is important that they build their relationship without me involved.
We finally got back home about 9:30 and hung out and talked. We knew they would be heading back to Utah the next day and we all just wanted more time together. Even a week together isn't enough time for any of us.
My friends were having a party at their house in the afternoon. These friends have a get together at least once a month. They just make excuses to have people over. This weekends they were having a "Bring your own John" Basically they have a lot of friends named John so everyone was supposed to bring a friend named John. I know silly party but we love to get together with everyone. I didn't have any friends named John that could go so we took the "bring your own john" meaning differently. We decided to dress Ian as a pimp and Alyssa and I wore mini skirts and i wore my hooter tank top. I know our sense of humor is really off. But we thought it was funny and we asked my friend if it would be okay. I didn't want to offend anyone.
We had dinner and most people were drinking wine, personally I don't drink wine so we just hung out and talked. There were kids there from age 2 to 19 and adults of all ages. About 7:30 my kids wanted to go home but we weren't quite ready. Alyssa and Ian offered to drive home since we brought 2 cars. Wow that was really nice I'm not used to having another driver. So Jer and I stayed for about 2 hours more. The kids got some time alone without us parents. I know my raised kids do enjoy time alone with their big sister. I think it is important that they build their relationship without me involved.
We finally got back home about 9:30 and hung out and talked. We knew they would be heading back to Utah the next day and we all just wanted more time together. Even a week together isn't enough time for any of us.
My friend and I at the "Bring your own John Party"
Alyssa and Ian at the "bring your own John party"
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Friday March 11
Last Friday was a lot of fun. I only worked until noon so we had most of the day together. Alyssa had wanted to get a new tattoo during the day so early in the week she set up an appointment for Friday. She had a do-it-yourself tattoo on each hip one was an "x" and the other hip had an"o". I think she did these when she was about 15. She also has a small heart on one wrist (another do it yourself). She has wanted to cover up her hip X and O tattoos with a nicer tattoo for a while now. Ian also wanted to get a tattoo done. She has saved up her money so she can do this. She didn't want to get a meaningless tattoo that she wouldn't like in a few years.
My friend has an ex boyfriend who is a professional tattoo artist. My thinking is if you are going to get inked, go to a professional that you have seen their art work. Ian already had 6 or 7 tattoos. Alyssa has one professional tattoo already. Alyssa wanted to get Owens hand print and footprint on her hips as a cover up of the X and O. The hip can be very painful because you are tattooing directly on the bone. Alyssa has no extra fat there either. Sean - the tattoo artist did a great job and finished within about an hour. Alyssa is also very ticklish and just to the side of the hipbone the tattoo started tickling as he used the tattoo gun. I held Alyssa's hand and Ian held her feet so she would move as little as possible.
Ian wanted his parents signature tattooed on him also. We were done by 4:30 or 5 with the tattoos. I did not get any tattoos done on myself. Jeremy set up a together a small party with a few friends and some of our immediate family for that evening after work. We headed over to the get together. I think there was about 30 people there and only about half of my family showed up. We hung out and Alyssa got to meet some of my friends. My friends heard all about Alyssa but they never met her.
Alex's girlfriend even came over until about 11. She is very rarely allowed to go to any friends house at all, so she was super excited. She adores Alyssa and wants to hang out anytime Alyssa is in town. Kenny found his Uncle's old Sega Genesis in the attic and started playing the "old school" video games. Kenny and Ian also found an old laser tag set from the late eighties to early nineties in the attic. They had to go around the house shooting each other and playing hide and go seek. Those guys are so much alike it is not even funny. Kenny really looks up to Ian. Overall we had an amazing day. The last of our friends and family left around midnight. Wow another late night. We were absolutely exhausted and I was so glad we did not have work or school the next morning.
My friend has an ex boyfriend who is a professional tattoo artist. My thinking is if you are going to get inked, go to a professional that you have seen their art work. Ian already had 6 or 7 tattoos. Alyssa has one professional tattoo already. Alyssa wanted to get Owens hand print and footprint on her hips as a cover up of the X and O. The hip can be very painful because you are tattooing directly on the bone. Alyssa has no extra fat there either. Sean - the tattoo artist did a great job and finished within about an hour. Alyssa is also very ticklish and just to the side of the hipbone the tattoo started tickling as he used the tattoo gun. I held Alyssa's hand and Ian held her feet so she would move as little as possible.
Ian wanted his parents signature tattooed on him also. We were done by 4:30 or 5 with the tattoos. I did not get any tattoos done on myself. Jeremy set up a together a small party with a few friends and some of our immediate family for that evening after work. We headed over to the get together. I think there was about 30 people there and only about half of my family showed up. We hung out and Alyssa got to meet some of my friends. My friends heard all about Alyssa but they never met her.
Alex's girlfriend even came over until about 11. She is very rarely allowed to go to any friends house at all, so she was super excited. She adores Alyssa and wants to hang out anytime Alyssa is in town. Kenny found his Uncle's old Sega Genesis in the attic and started playing the "old school" video games. Kenny and Ian also found an old laser tag set from the late eighties to early nineties in the attic. They had to go around the house shooting each other and playing hide and go seek. Those guys are so much alike it is not even funny. Kenny really looks up to Ian. Overall we had an amazing day. The last of our friends and family left around midnight. Wow another late night. We were absolutely exhausted and I was so glad we did not have work or school the next morning.
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