I am rereading the book "the girls who went away". This was the first honest book about adoption that I have ever read. I love that it is not sugar coated just completely honest. You don't get over losing your first child to adoption. Sadly there are a lot of things about adoption that has not changed in over 40 years. It used to be that you did not have rights at all and you were sent away. Now there is a nicer form of adoption out there called coercion.
You are told for months how you can't possibly parent a child by yourself. How a child needs 2 parents - any 2 parents but you. Now at least for me when I found myself pregnant in June of 1991, 2 months after I turned 16, my self esteem was very low. If I had high self esteem I wouldn't be having sex with a guy that was 5 years older than me. I never for one second considered abortion, I am definitely pro choice just not for me. There was a baby inside of me I couldn't abort it. This was my child, and I loved her instantly more than anything else in my world, I would do whatever I had to for my daughter. I never thought of myself as the type of girl to get knocked up. Come on, I knew who the father was. We had been dating since February and he was 20 years old, almost 21. When you are 15, 4 months of dating is forever. I look back now and wonder what the hell was I thinking, seriously. I figured everybody would find out eventually so might as well tell everyone ASAP. I waited about 3 days and told my parents while we were on vacation in Utah. My siblings all found out too. When you come from a big family, I'm child 4 of 7, everyone finds things out fast. I wasn't to tell my cousins or grandparents. I was now the embarrassment.
I was on track to finish high school a year early, only about 3 months after I had my baby I would be finished with high school. I had one job and started looking for a second job. It wasn't long and I was going to high school, I had a night class, and I was working 2 part time jobs. I also did some Saturday schools to help me finish high school as fast as possible. I even went to summer school. I was going to keep my baby no matter what. I did all of these things while being pregnant and having 5 months of horrible morning sickness. I'm not talking about oh I feel nauseous, but I puke my brains out every single day sometimes several times a day for 5 months. Oh I love pregnancy, not.
My mom started talking adoption at the beginning of the pregnancy. I listened quietly but basically ignored her. I got myself into this situation I was going to get myself out and my baby out. I wasn't going to be a statistic. I would figure out a way to provide for my daughter.
In September I broke up with Rob, the baby's dad. I realized he was starting to get very controlling over me. He would tell me what to wear, how I should look, and if I didn't look right to him he would tell me how embarrassing I was. I know nice, huh? It really bothered me that he was still doing drugs, smoking, drinking, and he didn't work, oh and to top it off he still lived with his parents. I was working my ass off and he was doing nothing at all. And he still hadn't told his parents I was pregnant. I felt like he wanted to screw me but didn't have the balls to admit that I was pregnant to his parents. I felt like the dirty secret. My child was never ever going to feel like that. I thought my child was his second child but now 18 years later I find out she was actually his 4th child. All kids were with different woman. Yes I know I could pick them, right.
I ended the relationship with him but he lived about 2 blocks from my high school. There was a few times that he showed up at my high school waiting for me. I told him I needed space. I didn't want to piss him off. I was 5'4" 120 pounds and he was 5'10" to 6 foot tall ( I don't remember his exact height anymore) and 200 pounds. I wasn't going to piss him off, besides I never knew what drugs he was on.
My best friend at the time called up his mom and told her I was pregnant. I didn't really hear from his family after that. But in November 1991 I got an audio tape mailed to me by Rob. On it he had said how he was going to kidnap me and my child. No one was ever going to keep us apart. I would never see my family again either. Yes I was scared and in protection mode. I realized now that I should have got a restraining order and pressed charges for stalking and sex with a minor. But I didn't even know my rights then. I didn't even know what a restraining order was. No one ever told me about these things.
My mom started in more about adoption, protect my child. I finally agreed in December. I was due in February. I just gave up and gave in to all the pressures. Why didn't LDSFS ever tell me my rights and show me my other legal options, I don't know. I think they are so geared for adoption being the only right choice that they don't give you all the options. They don't show you the ways you can raise the child by yourself. My parents definitely were for adoption. When I went to my bishop he pushed for adoption too. I was told, It's what is best for the child, stop thinking about yourself, your child doesn't need you,your child needs two parents, you can't do it by yourself, your too young. I don't know many 16 year old girls that can handle that pressure when they totally alone. My parents never said I couldn't have help from them if I kept my daughter, but they never said they would help me either.
So of course I gave in what I else could I do? I had my beautiful 7 pound 15.5 ounce baby girl on February 27th. I had been in labor for 3 days. I spent over 2 hours of pushing. I held her and had her in my room as much as possible. I had such a rough delivery that they kept me in the hospital for 3 days. This was at a time that they usually kicked you out after 24 hours. I tore so bad that they had to stitch me up for over 30 minutes. No it wasn't a cesarean either, I had her naturally and almost drug free. I did take Tylenol while I was in labor and on the third day of labor I was so exhausted they gave me a shot so I could sleep for about 2 hours before I had to push.
I honestly had no idea if I wanted to see my baby, but after I gave birth I didn't want to do anything but hold her. I knew I would only be her mom for a very short time and I wanted her to know she was loved and wanted. Part of me didn't want anyone else to come and interrupt the time with my daughter but the other half of me felt selfish for not giving my parents and sisters more time with my daughter. I was not ready to let her go, I wasn't ready to place her and say goodbye. What if I never see her again. How can any other woman love my child as much as me, her real mother? I just wanted someone to rescue me and my baby. I don't want to go through with this any longer. I didn't want to leave the hospital with out my only child. The hardest thing was to go home empty handed. I hadn't signed away my rights yet but I wasn't allowed to bring my child home either. Adoption is a weird twisted world.
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