Thoughts wandering

I know it has been a while since I posted.  For some reason I get busy with the 3 kids I am raising and talking/texting with my oldest daughter daily plus work and scouts and all of the fun stuff in life. 

Sometimes I feel so abnormal being a "birthmom".  I know how society sees us.  When you are pregnant you are looked on as an angel that is giving a couple a great gift.  Then after you have the child and place you are considered the devil.  I have often heard "How could you do that?  Didn't you love your daughter?  Shouldn't you just get over the adoption? Well atleast you can get on with your life now."  Seriously you do not just get on with your life.  You might cover up your feelings but you never get on with your life.  Adoption just doesn't touch your life it runs over your like a Mac truck. 

I did the whole counseling thing with LDSFS, I did do the birthmom groups too, I was in one of the first birthmom groups started in the Bay Area by LDSFS.  My counselor was 25 unmarried and never had kids.  I went to her a bout 3 times times a week for about 4 months, then weekly for the first year to year and a half, and then sporadically after that.   I can tell you I get alot more with other birthmoms that have gone through this experience 18 to 50 years out from adoption.  They understand, they get it.  They understand that you don't get on with your life, you don't forget, there is still hurt, pain, anger, and it is okay.  No one expects or dreams of being a birthmom as a little girl.

Even years after reunion there is still self doubt.   I was reading on line about a birthmom that is 16 years into reunion and she is just getting to the point in her relationship with her biological son that she doesn't feel like he is going to cut off all communication.  I get that totally.  I still expect Alyssa to cut off total communication everyday, I am surprised every time she calls even though she calls daily and sometimes several times a day.  I have asked her if she ever wants to cut off the relationship with me that she keeps the communication with her sibling.  I can deal with the rejection of adoption but I don't think they can.  She always says "yeah right mom like I am really going to cut off communication now that we found each other."  I think  we were definitely separated too long.

I was just reading on one of my birthmom forums and a lifemom of 18 years posted this "Yes, it does get easier in time, but it never truly goes away. It gets put on the back burner, and certain things (certain songs, poems, pregnant women, whatever) can trigger 'episodes.'
I myself have three kids, ages 15, 7, and 4. They help fill the gap, but they can never replace the baby I lost, as you seem to know already"

My goal before I die is to change adoption laws.  Why do we allow woman to sign life altering paperwork 24 hours after giving birth?  Woman should not be allowed to sign it until at least 7 days after and there needs to be a waiting period to change your mind.  I know alot of people won't agree because they say woman have had 9 months to decide.  Really?  They have held that child for 9 months?  No they carried that child for 9 months never holding and seeing there own child.  Your emotions and feelings totally change after you give birth and have held your own child for the first time.  What does it hurt to give a woman time to decide if the best thing for their child is to place it for adoption? 

Why can't an adult get their original birth certificate if they are adopted?  Why doesn't adoption agencies tell birth parents that not only will the child have a very hard time getting their OBC (original birth certificate) but so will the birth parents?  I didn't find out until Alyssa was 15 that I couldn't get her OBC.   I find it very interesting that Native Americans have more rights than any other American when it comes to adoption rights.  Why can we not all have the same rights when it comes to adoption?

Baby's go through such a traumatic experience being adopted.  They know who their mother is by scent, by their voice, by their heartbeat.  Just because they can not talk does not mean they do not feel.  Their is an attachment disorder that a lot but not all adoptees have.  I know society does not like to acknowledge it because then adoption wouldn't be looked upon as such a great thing and our laws would need to be changed to acknowledge the loss a child goes through.  It is not just foster kids but normal adoptees that come from a good birthmom and are raised by exceptional people.  It has nothing to do with the parenting but the basic primal wound of being taken away from their mother.