Wild Ride weekend

It has been quite a wild ride this weekend.  My emotions were a little erratic.  Friday Cassie had her orchestra performance and it was the first big one Allysa was able to see.  I had seen Iadoptees post on Thursday but discussed it with Allysa before I put it on my facebook wall.  Anything to do with adoption I discuss with Allysa before I put it on my wall.  I don't want it to bother her so I just get her approval first.  I do not have separate facebook accounts for the different parts of my life.  My things are out there for everyone to see.  My facebook has family, friends, adoption community, and even a few fb gamers (yes I am one of those dorks). 

About 15 minutes after I put up Iadoptees post I saw that a facebook friend had put it up on her wall.  I had no idea this person was attached to adoption in anyway.  She had wrote that she is an adoptee.  A short time later she had a comment on the link by a member of her adoptive family.   I was so hurt and sad for her.  She tried to speak out and she was shut down.  We in the adoption blog world are used to being attacked and dismissed but most people are not used to it.    My heart broke for her.  I wanted to go write to this family member of hers and tell them how it feels to lose part of your family through adoption but I stayed quiet.  This was not my battle to fight and I was not adopted so I can not say how that feels like. 

I let it go and enjoyed Cassie's performance.  It was so nice to have Allysa sit by me and enjoy this with her.  Cassie loved having her (almost) whole family there to watch her.  This is what she has always wanted to have.  She calls it her real family, having ALL of her siblings together. 

Saturday morning I woke up at 5:30am with a migraine.  Not a good way to start off a busy day.  This is the second Saturday in a row to start off that way.  I was able to get it under control by noon and went over to my sister's house and we did our annual baking together. It was so nice to be with part of the family and just hang out.  No pressure or anything just hang out and bake for a bit while we caught up with each other's lives.  Allysa hung out with her cousins that were around.  I watched her for a few minutes sitting on the ground by the Christmas tree with a box of Lego's dumped on the ground while she held her 6 year old cousin and played with him.  It looked like a picture perfect Christmas.  I went upstairs for a few minutes and let my tears come, how I wished Allysa could enjoy the same moments with her son.  She was so tender with him and in the moment.  It looked like it was just the two of them and the world stopped around them.  Why in normal families get togethers are the older aunts, uncles, and cousins allowed to be alone in a room with the younger children so they can build there relationships, but in adoption us mothers who have given the ultimate "gift" (yuck) are deemed unworthy to even have a 30 minutes alone in the same room with our own children.  Rebecca this is not directed at you at all.  All adoptive parents should take your direction and lead.  You are what every adoptive parent should try to emulate. 

By that night I was going to a Christmas party at a friends house.  I was really looking forward to dressing up and seeing some really amazing friends.  I have been hanging out with a group of about 5 couples for 2+ years now.  They are all good solid people.  Most of us have been married 18 to 22 years.  Some have kids and some do not.  The environment is always relaxing, I think we are all pretty liberal and come from many very different religions.  We can always talk, relax, and just enjoy each other's company.  Everyone knows I have 4 kids but most of them don't know I placed Allysa, our reunion, and all of our drama.  They just know I have 4 kids and 1 grandson. 

I started talking to one of the husbands in the group and he asked about my religion. I told him I grew up Mormon but left the church about a year and a half ago.  Of course he asked why.  I joked well how much time do you have this is a long story.  This is my usual way of answering the question.  Most people don't probe any farther but we have built up a good relationship and see each other a lot.  So he said I have hours and I would love to hear about it.  I told him about losing Allysa

The next day we didn't do a whole lot.  We slowly worked on chores and got a Christmas tree.  Allysa and her fiancee made a really good cauliflower and potato soup for dinner.  She has turned into such an amazing cook.  Believe me it is not easy to cook vegan and soy free without food always tasting disgustingly healthy, she has learned to make food taste delicious.  That evening we got bundled up, each of us had either a thermos of coffee or hot cocoa.  I also brought a purse full of candy canes.  We headed down town to Christmas in the Park.  This is 2 acres of a park turned into Christmas land.  There are over 200 different Christmas trees decorated from all kinds of organizations. There are also about 40 to 50 different Christmas scenes set up with animated figures.  We try to go every few years and I wanted to show Allysa.  I want her to see some of our family traditions.  We spent almost 2 hours in downtown walking around, talking, and watching everything.  I thought to myself the only thing that would make this more complete is a light snow falling (and Owen).  Within 5 minutes we passed under a bubble machine that made it look like snow was falling.  It was magical.  Allysa decided to catch the snow with her tongue, she then realized it was bubbles and not snow.  Bubbles do not taste as good as snow. 

We came home and wanted to watch the movie Elf but it was too late on a school night.  Cassie got bent out of shape over that.  Of course it then turned into a little argument but overall a really good day.