The path

The Path
by Jeannette Anderson
September 23, 2010

I wake again with the heartache in my soul
I'm scared I'm uncertain I have so many doubts
Should I hold on tighter or should I let go
I have started to learn what it is to be a mom
To parent, to love, to be overwhelmed,
to want more for your children than you ever had

I thought I let go 18 year before
 I signed those papers no longer allowed to call her mine
No longer a mom no longer a parent
She was no longer my child
She would grow up calling someone else mom
Could they love her as much as I do?
Would they help her become what she was meant to be?
Would they try to hinder her dreams
make her become what they think she should be?

I 've realized now you can never truly let go
of your heart and soul,
You can never let go of your first born child
I thought I was giving her everything I could not
Two parents to love her and guide her to the right path
Now I'm not quite as sure

I realized all she wanted was to know
who she was and where she came from
She just wanted to be complete
To know where she gets her beauty from
to know why she laughs the way she does
She just wanted both of her mothers love
Why was that so hard for both of us to understand?

Now 18 years later I tried to get her on another path,
the easier path to follow the one that is easier to walk along
I never wanted her on this path I told her it is too hard, steep and rough
I begged and pleaded with her to no avail
But now we are on this path together now trying to help one another through
I knew this one would leave her bloodied and broken
What mother would want that for her daughter?

I try to support her, I try to love her sometimes the pain is so hard to bear
I have tried to pick up the pieces of her shattered heart
We are now both known by the world as birthmothers
She seems so broken and I don't know what to do
I have been down this path for so long but
 I am still lost just like her
Maybe we can find our way out together
Help each other to heal

I never thought I would be on this path with my oldest daughter by my side
There is so much to learn, So much to forgive, but somehow we will

Last day Friday September 17th

Friday was so much fun in the morning.   Cassie woke Alyssa up so Alyssa could do Cassie's make up.  Cassie told me it made her feel like they were really sisters.  After everyone else left for school Alyssa and I got ready for the day.  We are both very girly and like to take our time getting ready.  We decided to go to a vintage store in Willow Glen.  We were there probably close to an hour just looking at all the great clothes.  Our taste is very similar.  We didn't buy any clothes but had so much fun looking.  I had to pick up Ken early from school because he had a wedding rehearsal for his cousin Stacy's wedding at 3pm.  Alyssa and I picked up Ken and dropped him off at Jer's aunts house.  Jeremy's cousin Tony and Uncle Don got to meet Alyssa. 

After that we picked up Jer and went to Taco Bravo for a late lunch.  We had to drive to the SF airport which takes almost an hour.  After a few minutes Alyssa started crying.  I was trying to be strong but she got me crying too.  We held each other all the way to the airport.  We even made Jer make an extra loop so we wouldn't say goodbye yet.  When we finally got out at the airport we kept hugging and even Jer teared up as he told our daughter good bye.

My family was finally complete and almost whole I didn't want to let my baby go, not all over again. I was not ready to say goodbye.  It feels like I only get my daughter for brief moments before she is gone again.  I am always scared she won't want me in her life.  What if she decides she doesn't need me?  These thoughts go through my head every day.  Even when Alyssa calls I always wonder if it will be the last call I get from her.  I love you so much baby girl.

Day 3 Thursday September 16th

We decided we needed some time at the beach.  Cassie, Alyssa, and I went to Santa Cruz for a few hours.  We had lunch at Betty's Burgers.  Mmm yummy the best turkey burgers ever made.  Cassie had a milk shake and Alyssa and I had burgers.  We went to the pier and I think we went into every store possible and then we watched the sea lions for a while.  OMG we saw more sea lions that day than I have ever seen there in my life.  I swear we just watched them for at least 30 minutes maybe closer to an hour.  And then we saw one totally poop, that totally grossed me out.  Seriously it will be quite a while before I go in the ocean. 

We then laid out on the beach for a short while.  I had to get back to San Jose to pick up Alex and Kenny from school.  Chantel my niece was waiting at my house to see her cousin too. 

That night Alyssa wanted to go to San Francisco.  We got stuck in so much traffic that it took 2 hours to get there.  We did see a transvestite prostitute.  I think that was the highlight of Alyssa's trip.  We walked around Pier 39.  I stepped back and just watched my kids interact.  It was amazing they acted like they grew up together.  They all have quite a love for one another.  I just wanted to stop time, I knew this was our last night together.   I was not ready to have to let my daughter go. 

I hate that we live so far apart.   I really wish her adoptive parents would have stayed in Salinas.  When she was born they only lived 45 minutes away from me.

Alyssa's visit Day 2 - September 15th

Well this week while Alyssa is in town I worked for about an hour in the morning after I dropped off the boys at high school.  I got home about 9am just as Alyssa woke up.  I wanted to see the photo album that Alyssa had made of Owen for his first month.  She showed me his little album and as we looked at his pictures we both cried.  It feels like just as I got my daughter back in my life I lost my grandson.  Too many ups and downs. 

One weird thing we both realized we do is when we are about to cry we bite our bottom lip to try to stop the tears.  We have a lot of the same mannerisms.  I expected her to look a bit like me but to have my mannerisms and laugh like me is completely unexpected.

Alyssa decided she wanted to get another photo album for Owen.  We both got ready for the day and went to the store.  We found a really cute album, window shopped at one store, and then went to lunch at Burrito Factory.  I had to show my daughter really good Mexican food.  We had to pick up all the kids from school so Alyssa came along for the ride.  One of my sons friends is gay and came onto Alyssa.  I found it pretty funny but Alyssa did not.  All of the guys that were with my boys were slightly drooling over Alyssa but they were almost afraid to talk to her. 

That evening we had my sisters family over for dinner and also my husband's cousin, Stacy.  It was very relaxed but as always when any of my family get together it was loud and a bit crazy. Alyssa fit in perfectly.  We may not be normal but with Alyssa in our lives it feels complete.

Jeremy's entire family that I have told has accepted my daughter.  Even his aunts have asked if they could meet her.  I am so lucky to have my husband's family.  Most of his family did not know I even had a daughter until very recently.  Stacy, Jer's cousin, said something like,  I have another girl cousin.  There has been no judgements by his family at all.

Alyssa's visit - Day 1

Last week on Tuesday September 14th, Alyssa came to visit us.  This is the first time she came out to San Jose by herself and stayed more than 18 hours with us.  I was so excited but really nervous.  The last time I saw Alyssa she was at the hospital holding her son, Owen,  and crying.  She was a mom not a birthmom, she hadn't signed away her rights.  I was really hoping against hope that she wouldn't.  Now she is a birthmom just like me, the one thing I never wanted either of my daughters to be.  Alyssa and I have made a pact that Cassie will never become a birthmom.  Cassie will never go through what her sister and I had to go through.  Cassie has told me no matter what happens in her life she will never place her child for adoption.  

Jeremy and I met Alyssa at the San Francisco airport.  Alyssa really is one of the most beautiful women I know.  Maybe I am slightly prejudiced.  She got off the plane wearing white shorts and a blue with white polka dot top.  I couldn't move fast enough to get over and just hug my daughter.  I had a bouquet of a dozen light pink roses for her.  We drove back to my home, the first time my oldest daughter had seen it ever.  She lives in a huge house with her adoptive family in Utah and I live in a 3 bedroom modular home.  I was so nervous, what would she think of me?  What if she looked at my home compared to what she grew up in and thought "Thank God I never lived here".  When she saw our house she looked around and said, "wow this is so cute".

We dropped Jeremy off and Alyssa and I went shopping for about an hour.  It was so fun just to have some time alone with my daughter.   We then went over to Jeremy's parents house and had dinner with them.  Jeremy's mom, Mary, makes the best taco salad.  We had that for dinner and brownies and ice cream for dessert.  I love that Jeremy's parents are so accepting of my daughter that they wanted to meet her.  We sat around and talked until about 8pm and then we went home.  I had all 4 of my kids home for the first time ever. 

It was a little bit hard for my other 3 kids because they had to go to school while their sister was in town.   We talked for a little while but then we all went to bed.  I couldn't believe I had all my kids home finally.

Alex adoption heartache

My Alex is 16 years old and a sophmore in high school.  He is such a gentle loving person.   He very rarely gets angry and keeps quiet about his emotions.  He was never a kid that got ever got in trouble, I think he has been grounded 3 times, at the most.  He ususally doesn't express to me when something is wrong.  He is the type of person to watch things and just step back.  He doesn't make last minute decisions, he always thinks things out.  He is really smart, he has dyslexia but still manages to get all A's and B's.

This morning I was driving him to school and the song Temporary Home by Carrie Underwood came on.  Alex started to sing along but his voice didn't seem right.  His hair is so long that I couldn't see his eyes.  After the song ended I turned off the radio and asked him what was wrong.  It took him a few minutes to put into words what was wrong.  Once he was able to talk he said he was upset about Owen and Alyssa.  It just hurts he told me.  My 16 year old son that is now taller than me was crying so much that tears were coming down all the way to his chin.  I held his hand as I drove the last 15 minutes to school.  As he got out of the car his eyes were bright red but he no longer had tears falling down his cheeks.  I wanted to just hold him but he was at high school and that would be embarresing.

I know Alex was upset because not only was he not raised with his sister and he deals with the loss of that everyday.  But he was upset because he was never even able to hold his first nephew.  H e wasn't able to say goodbye to Owen to tell him how much he is loved.  Alex has asked me if he will ever be able to hold and play with Owen.  I can't tell him yes, I just tell him I don't know.  I honestly don't know and don't want to promise him things I can not control.  I know it is supposed to be an open adoption with Owen, but I am always afraid that it can become closed to us.  After all we are only Owen's birthmom's birthfamily.  We are only related by blood, we have absolutly no rights to see him or be part of his life. 

When Alex was a little boy I could kiss his owie and make him better. I can't make this one better. I can be there for my kids, let them cry while I hold them, but there is nothing I can do to make them better when it comes to adoption. I know I have to be the strong one. I have to let them know that we will come through this as a family, but I can't make it better. I wish I could take away the pain. I wish I could change the adoption decision that I made.

I don't say I wish I hadn't placed Alyssa for adoption because I am trying to hurt her adoptive family. It really has nothing to do with them or how they raised her. It is because of the pain that it has caused my family, my nieces, nephews, myself, my husband, and all 4 of my kids. I wish someone anyone would have told me how much adoption would affect my children I had after Alyssa.


I know Alyssa tried to make the best decision possible for Owen.  I know she loves him more than she loves anyone else in this world.   She loves him more than even she thought was possible when she was pregnant.  To hold your own flesh and blood is indiscribable.  To let that same child go barely 2 days later almost broke her.  I know it was so hard for her since Owen was still in the NICU when she signed away her rights.  She was released more than a week before he was. 
 
We left Utah the day after she signed away her rights.  Alyssa was leaving the state too so I knew she didn't need us there any longer.  For us it was very hard to be in Utah knowing that she was no longer Owen's mom.  Alyssa was now just another birthmom.  We live in this world where we aren't a real mom, we don't have our child with us to raise, we sign away all rights to our child, but we can't deny to ourselves that we had a child either.  Birthmom simply will never describe me or Alyssa.  Birthfamily doesnot describe us either, we are simply family.  I am a mom to 4 kids and a grandmother to one.

Old blog - repost

About a year ago I was on an online adoption site that had random questions for birthmoms to answer on their sites.  The question that was asked was, "What one thing about open adoption would you tell your past self, if you could".  Even though I was not in an open adoption I considered it a semi open adoption.
Below is my answer:

There is actually 2 things I would do differently.
The first thing is I would allow myself to grieve more and not just try to move on with my life. By the time my daughter was a year old I no longer talked about her. I tried to cover up that I ever had her. I assumed this was how you are supposed to deal with adoption. 17 years ago there was no example of how to be a birthmom. Adoption has changed so much in this short time.

The second would be to write to my daughter and her adoptive parents more when she was younger. I always assumed that writing my daughter was for my benefit and not for her. I really didn’t think she would need more for anything. I now found out that she really needed to know about me and she needed to know that she was wanted and loved. I gave her up because I loved her and wanted her to have more than I could have at the time. I wish I could have gotten to know her better when she was little.