Gift to Owen

I forgot to put in the last post about the gift we brought Owen.  I am not a seamstress in any way but I wanted to make Owen a few blankets and some burp cloths.  I then used the scraps from Owens blanket plus bought extra girlie fabric and made Alyssa a lap blanket.  After that I made a card for Owen on the front it said "Together Forever".

I wanted Owen to look back and know that he will always be part of us.  If he asks questions we will help him.  I never want him to feel unloved or unwanted.  I wanted him to know he had roots, that he came from somewhere.  I never want him to feel lost.   I don't remember word for word what I wrote in the card but it went something like

"My dear little one,

We have always loved you and we always will.  You will always be part of our family no matter what.  You are a P -, an A - , and a H (last names of biological family).  You have great history in your family, your moms family came a  crossed to Utah in handcarts during some very hard times, your dads side is very smart and they are very good business men.  The same blood that runs in these people also run in your veins.  You are bone of our bone and flesh of our flesh.

We will always love you,
Grandma Nettie and Mama Kara

PS - The blanket I made for you I also made a blanket for your mama out of the scraps.  Maybe when you are holding onto this blanket your mom will be wrapped up in hers thinking of you."

My Crazy week part 3

We got ready for the day and I found out the top of my dress that was supposed to be stitched came undone.  We did not have a safety pen so we went to the store to find one.  I didn't think it would be cool to have my bra hanging out no matter how flat chested I am.  We also stopped by my daughters work to see "the ladies" (the mentally and physically handicapped ladies that are at the residential home where she works).  That was so much fun, I finally got to meet the people my daughter always talks about.  I also got to see my daughters other best friend Jasmine, who I absolutely love.  We made it to the church right on time and made a pact not to cry.  I was still hurting alot from my stomach ache but I figured I would make the best of it.  As we walked in I felt like we were on display.  I am sure no emotion would have came off as right for this event.  If we were too happy then we obviously had no bond or feelings toward Owen, if we were sad then we would ruin there day. 

They had a family tree made out of poster board and all family members placed their thumb onto a stamp pad and put on their thumb print on this hand drawn tree.  Alyssa chose green, which is her favorite color and I chose blue which is my favorite color.  She signed her name as Mama Kara and I put mine as Grandma Nettie (Nettie is my nickname from when I was about 5 years old).

Alyssa saw that Steven's sister was there.  Steven is Owens natural dad and he has never met Owen, Steven lives in Canada now with his own parents.  His sister lives in Salt Lake.  Alyssa Steven's sister did not get along while Alyssa was pregnant.  In a way I do understand.  Steven broke up with Alyssa and 3 days later Alyssa "claimed" to be pregnant.  Any sister would be protective of her brother when an ex comes back days later and claims to be pregnant.  The only thing was that Alyssa really was pregnant and not just claiming it.  It didn't help that Steven didn't tell his parents until Alyssa was 7 and a half months along that she was even pregnant with his child.  Alyssa's Aparents never made contact with Steven's parents either.  I finally threatened Steven when Alyssa was about 6 months pregnant that he could tell her parents or I would.  I even let him know I had their home phone number in Canada.  Let's just say I am a good detective and can track most people down if I need to.

As son as Alyssa saw L (Steven's sister) they embraced.  I don't know what was said between them but it seemed to me that everything was forgiven from both sides.  L was having a bit of a hard time dealing with the loss of her nephew too.  They both started tearing up, of course I did too.  People came up to Alyssa and thanked her for completing their family and what a great gift that was. 

We couldn't help it and we both started crying ugly blotchy crying.  We went to the bathroom to clean up.  This was only within the first 5 minutes of us arriving.  A few minutes later my parents and my nephew came in.  Of course I hugged them and just let my daddy hold me and comfort me.  I needed him to be there. They had never met Owen or either set of adoptive parents before.  My mom got to hold Owen for the first time ever and feed him a bottle.  You can tell she loved it but I think she tried to distant herself emotionally so she wouldn't become too attached. 

A few minutes later Alyssa's Aparents came in with her adoptive sister.  I have only met Alyssa's amom once and that was at the hospital when Alyssa had Owen.  They were nice and shook my hand.  Then Alyssa introduced me to her sister Kristen, who is also high-functioning autistic.  this was the introduction "Hey Kristen do you want to meet my real mom"  (Oh I wanted to crawl under the table. I knew Alyssa was hurting and this was her way to hurt them back.  Why is she so much like me when I was her age?)  Then Alyssa asked her amom - Hey when are you going to find Kristen's real mom?  It is about time since Kristen has been asking for 3 years.  Guess what they didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.  I know shocking huh.  I did not put Alyssa up to ask that, I was as surprised as them.  i knew where her hurt was coming from though.

I as able to hold Owen for about 5 minutes but I could tell Alyssa wanted to hold him so badly.  She was able to for about 30 minutes.  He even fell asleep on her.  As he fell asleep his head was on her heart.  Every time he slipped down and couldn't hear her heart as well he cried a little til she repositioned him and he was back listening to her heart.  He then fell back asleep.  I do not know if he usually falls on peoples chest or not.  Owen seemed to be fascinated with Alyssa, he just stared at her and listened as she talked.  I loved seeing her with Owen.  She had her natural smile back, where she is at peace.  A couple of tears fell from my eyes but they were happy tears. 

A little bit later Owens amomAmom did allow Alyssa almost half of an hour holding Owen. 

Alyssa went to talk to someone for a few minutes and I felt my eyes start to burn.  I could feel the tears starting to well up and I wanted to leave before anyone could see me.  I didn't want to make Alyssa cry.  I walked out as fast as I could in my 3 inch heels and went to the bathroom.  I let myself cry, you know that deep almost hyper ventilating cry.  Thank God no one came in the bathroom to comfort me.  I didn't want to see anyone and I would have just felt bad for bothering anyone.  After a few minutes I got it under control but my hands were still shaking uncontrollably.  I am sure my eyes were still red too.  My awful stomach ache didn't help anything.  I went by my dad and he held me we were about 4 feet from Owens adoptive dad.   I quietly told my dad that I made it through this adoption crap once I don't know if I am strong enough to do it again.   Owens Adad was shooting daggers at me.  I'm sure he felt as if I was ruining his day.  Now I feel really bad for him. 

Alyssa went to take pictures with Owen and his Amom.  My hands were shaking so hard I could not take a picture so I asked my dad too.  Owens amom was holding him and Alyssa was beside them.  Owen kept trying to reach for Alyssa and go to her.  That broke my heart.  It seemed to me that Owen knew who Alyssa was.  I felt like it might be a long time before I see Owen again.

We left right after that.  Alyssa asked me to drive.  As I started to drive she had a mild panic attack so I had her lay her seat back and just try to relax.  Also I went through McDonald's to get her some food because she had not eaten that day.  We went through the drive through and as they gave us our food they had asked if we needed anything else.  I replied do you have anything with alcohol in it?  Luckily they had a good sense of humor and they just said well how bout rubbing alcohol. 

Relaxing and food did help Alyssa a lot.  We got back to her house and just collapsed on the couch.  Neither of us talking but both in our own world.  My stomach ache was starting to send pain up into my shoulder blade.  Freaking sucked!  This happens almost every time my body tries to get used to higher elevation.  After about 30 minutes of collapsing Alyssa decided we should watch, "Dinner for Shmucks" so we went into the bedroom and laid under the covers.  By the time the movie was over most of my stomach pain had left. 

We decided to recolor my hair a dark brown again.  I seem to be always changing my hair color. Everyone else was gone for the day working so it was really nice to just be alone.  In the middle of coloring my hair the bathroom from the floor above overflowed long enough to start raining into my daughter's bathroom.  It didn't stop for about 10 minutes.  We took all of the towels we could find in the house to clean up the mess.  They only own about 5 towels total.   I have to say by this point I actually thought it was funny.  Come on what else do you have to throw at us God?  We can take, you haven't completely broke us yet. 

The guys came home about 9ish from work that night and decided it would be nice to go see their parents.  Ian's dad is married to Brandon's (Kristen's boyfriend's) mom.  We went over there until about 2am.  We sat and talked, while the guys played darts. 

I knew the next day Owen was getting a blessing at church and we were invited.  I wanted to see him but wasn't sure if I could make it through one more thing.  Alyssa does not go to church and I stopped attending once Owen was placed for adoption.  This was going to be hard on a lot of levels.

My crazy week part 2

I do not think most adoptive couples are heartless but I don't think anyone other than serial killers are really heartless.  I know we all do things for a reason.  I know adoptive couples only want a child, and mostly they would prefer their own.  I truly get that they desperately want a child, I also think that agencies prey on mothers as much as they do prospective adoptive couples.  If either of us were told the whole truth of adoption and how it feels for the 2 groups that lose the most we would unite and all be for family preservation first. 

Adoption is about money for the agencies but in some cases it is desperately needed.  Is it needed in all cases, absolutely not.  I do wish every PAP would be given the books Primal Wound, The Girls Who Went Away, and Baby Thief,  to just name a few of my favorite adoption books, before they were even allowed to adopt.  I wish couples would understand how adoption was started in this country and why we have 60 plus year old laws and falsified birth certificates.  I think there would be more empathy to all sides.  If PAPS were given Primal Wound they would realize that adoption can hurt children.  The simple act of separating children from their mothers causes hurt, pain , and loss.  Children should not be grateful for the separation, and telling a child you were loved enough for your mom to place you only lets them know that if they are truly loved they will be abandoned.

To continue on with my story.  Work was more than insane on Thursday and Friday.  I do all of the accounts payable and receivable for a small company plus I answer all emails and deal with a lot of the customers.  My job is basically to make everyone happy and make sure everything is complete.  Thursday and Friday I ran into many problems with my job. But I did leave with everyone happy including both of my bosses.  I hate ending my day with any type of problems, so this was really good.

I left work got kids from school, dropped Kenny at the middle school to volunteer with the orchestra, Cassie went to a dance, and I went home to grab my suitcase and finish packing.  We left my house by 5:45 and headed to the airport.  My husband dropped me off by 6:45 and I was through security and at my gate by 7:15.  I think that was my fastest time ever.  I went out to Utah by myself, but my husband and a dear friend kept my spirits up by texting me while I waited at the gate. 

My plane took off right on time at 8:30.  I sat by a woman just a few years younger than me and we talked for a while.  She was asking about my husband and kids, just chit chatting.  We got into religion and I mentioned that I'm Mormon and my husband was Catholic.  She was blown away that we could be of two separate religions but have a marriage work for 17 years.  I told her we always go to church as a family and we respect each others religions.  Both of our religions are family oriented and we worship the same God. 

She asked what I was doing going out to Utah I told her I was visiting my daughter and grandson.  As we talked more she asked when my daughter moved out to Utah.  I told her a few years ago.  She asked if Alyssa's dad had custody when she was younger.  I said no and then let the whole story spill.  It wasn't anger but sadness and loss.  I was not bashing just told the facts that my daughter who I placed just placed her son and we were going to celebrate the sealing to his adoptive parents.  This woman who never had a child, just looked at me and said "wow that must be so hard, no wonder you are so thin, the stress just eats away the pounds."  So true and this woman had a tear in her eye.  It is weird in society to find empathy from people that have not experienced the loss of adoption.  It was really nice too.  I admit I cried a little.   If you knew me in person I do not cry often unless it has to do with my children.  I'm the person that everyone reaches out to so I can help them.  I do not reach out to ask for help.

I got off the plane and Alyssa and her friend met me at the baggage claim.  Alyssa hid behind a trash can so I couldn't see her kind of like hide-n-go-seek, but I saw her best friend Kristen with her cute little pregnant belly.  I hugged her and then gave Alyssa a hug.  We talked nonstop all the way to her house.  I got to see their first place and stay with them.  She lives in a house that has been split into apartments and she is sharing the basement apartment with Kristen and the 2 men in their lives. 

We sat up and talked until about 2am.  We finally crashed but I woke up by 8:30am and started reading my book "Inconceivable".  I also woke up with a horrible stomach ache.  Whenever I go to a high elevation I get horrible pains in my stomach and get super bloated.  My body is used to the elevation of sea level and where my daughter lives the elevation is 4500 feet.  Stress also upset my stomach.  I was hurting so bad I could not stand up straight at all.  Yes it looks like it is going to be a great day, all the stars are lined up right.

Alyssa started texting her Amomtexted Owens Amom to see what time where we should meet and when.  11am was supposed to be the sealing and 1:30pm was a celebration of the sealing.  Owens Amom responded back that there wasn't a point of us going to the temple we would not be allowed inside anyways.  They would be hurrying after to get to the church for the celebration so we wouldn't have time to even take pictures.  It felt as if they were saying you aren't family so don't come.  I called up my parents who were on the way down, who never met the adoptive couple, and said it doesn't look like we are invited. I don't want you to be uncomfortable.  My mom is very anti-social she is more of a wall flower.  After that text from Owens amom we were very hurt, not angry just hurt, and I did need a hug from my dad and to see my mom.  They had also brought my 14 year old nephew and I was supposed to watch him while they were in the temple.  My nephew is smart but he is also high functioning autistic.  He probably would just play video games while they were in their sessions but I knew my mom wouldn't be totally comfortable with that if he was left alone with no adult supervision near by.  I honestly thought I was doing the right thing by calling my mom and dad knowing how much they hate being social and the problem with my nephew.  It definitely didn't seem like Owen's amom wanted us around for their family sealing.

Going private

I need to put my blog private for a while.  If you would like to continue reading just send me your email and I will add you as a reader.  I will be going private on Friday. 

Jeannette

Happy thoughts of the day

I just had to put up a few funny things that have happened over the last couple of days.  We were driving back to my house Sunday from Utah, I was the first driver and we stopped at Elko to fill up the tank. And it was snowing, I have never driven in snow and I did not feel safe so we also switched drivers.  I stayed by the car to fill up the tank as Alyssa and Ian went inside to use the bathroom and get food.  I finished filling up the tank and Alyssa came to the car.  I then went to the bathroom and passed Ian while he ordered his food.  As I passed I said "Hi Honey".  I call everyone honey or sweetie that I care about.  It is not sexual at all, it is a term of endearment.   The people at the counter gave me a very weird look.  I thought that was strange.  Why are they looking at me like that?  I later mentioned to Alyssa about the weird look I got from the workers at the sandwich shop.  Alyssa said oh, "well when I was in there with Ian I gave him a hug and kissed him."  Then you walked in immediately after and called him honey.  I guess that did seem a little weird to the workers.  Maybe I should have explained to the workers that Ian is not the next Hugh Hefner.  To top it off I colored my hair while we were in Utah and now Alyssa's and my hair color are very similar too.  Most everyone has assumed we are sisters, which Alyssa proudly corrects then and says no that is my mama.

Last night Alyssa had to look for something in the house and she didn't want to.  So she complained uggh I have to burn calories to do that.  I do not want to, too much effort.  About 30 minutes later Cassie wanted to play video games with Ian but she had to open a drawer and move things around to find the game she wanted.  She looked at me and asked if I would move the video games and show her which ones were in there so she could choose the right one without moving.  I told Cassie no I will not do that, go look for it yourself if you want to play a game.  She said "But mom that is too hard and would require effort"  I just looked at Ian and said wow you would think that my 2 daughters were raised together. 

Just had to share those things.

My crazy week part 1

What a week, I hope to never relive such a tough week again, I really don’t know if tested if I would live through it. There has only been a 2 other times in my life that I have felt so low and just wanted to die. If you are going to respond to this post with anything insensitive please walk away now. I can’t deal with it I am at my breaking point.

The 26^th my daughter started getting crazy texts from her ex that was definitely harassing/stalking. He didn’t stop for hours. My daughter was working when he was texting her. She repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and he kept on with his crap. She ended up driving home when her shift was over and had a panic attack. She had to pull over and just try to calm herself down. Of course on Sunday the 27th was Alyssa's birthday.

On Wednesday I was on face book and I saw a status update from Owens adoptive mom saying “As of yesterday Owen is officially our son. We were able to finish the paperwork in court yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone who has helped along the way. We will be sealed on Saturday and blessing him on Sunday. We are so blessed to have this sweet little boy in our lives and count ourselves privileged to be his parents. Thank you Thank you Thank you.” Wow to get that as a facebook status instead of a phone call, it was as if my daughter was a mere acquaintances and bystanders in this.  I knew my daughter did not know.  I talk to Alyssa several times a day and if she knew she would have told me.  Of that I am sure.  So what should I do?

I knew Alyssa does not have internet at her house and she does at work.  So she might see it at work and have no one to support her or hopefully she doesn't see it at all.  I couldn't risk her seeing it at work with no support. So I texted her boyfriend let him know what was going on and asked him does he want to tell her in person or does he want me to call her I just wanted to make sure he was home with her.  I didn't want her to be alone and hurting.   I knew she would feel cheated and heart broken to see this on face book. I knew it would deeply hurt her. She assumed Owens adoptive mom would call her own parents and fill them in on the news but Owens natural mom was left to read it on face book. It is such a deep hurt and slap in the face.   This couple had promised my daughter that she would be part of their family that they were joining each other but now from our point of view it seems so different.  We made it through Wednesday and we were still alive

My next trial was Thursday and I was not prepared for this in the slightest.  Before I tell you what happened you have to understand that adoption does affect us mothers on such a deep level. It affects every decision we make with our raised children. I was talking with Kenny Thursday night who is 14. I found out he had a girlfriend which is weird because he rarely keeps things from me especially about a new girlfriend.  I told him I liked her but her parents will not allow her to have a boyfriend and they shouldn't do things behind her parents back.  He took it as I didn’t like his new gf so he left the house. Yes he just walked out and left. He texted me and said I was making him choose between his gf and me. When all I said was I don’t like it that his gf won’t tell her parents they are together. I just texted him and said I love you please come home. He replied no. So I went to look for him and found him. It made him run. I am freaking out on the inside but calm on the outside. I asked my husband to just bring my baby home but be gentle and don't scare him.

A few minutes later my 14 year old came in and we talked. I told him how it scared me when he left I didn’t know where he was or if someone would kidnap him it was at night and very dark. I told him I already had one child that I did not know for years if she was alive or dead, happy or sad, I can’t live through that again. We both cried, hugged, and apologized.

And to top all of this off I have been working more hours than normal at my job and things have been chaotic over there.
A few weeks ago we had received a card in the mail announcing that the adoptive parents of Owen were celebrating their forever family on Saturday the 5^th. I was flying in to see Owen and to be there for Alyssa. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know how extremely hard.

I will continue this on my next post.

What makes a mom?

"Conception, nine months of pregnancy and 3-36 hours of labor do not a mother make - motherhood requires a lifetime of service."
"You do have instant love for a baby when they are first born, but that love grows beyond belief when you take care of them. Each diaper you change, each bottle you feed, each sleepless night rocking your baby, trying to comfort them. Your love grows stronger and stronger. Just because your adoptive mom adopted you does not mean she has any less love for you than my mom, who carried me in her womb, or I for my five children. It is the selfless service that you render to your child that makes you love them so much. I'm sure you have noticed this in your visits with your son."

I have seen these comments on blogs by parents that never had a child die or lost a child to adoption.  These are by parents that never adopted and are not looking into adoption.  It makes me wonder if people think the love you have for a child subsides because you are not in contact with them, you are not raising them or if  the child dies at birth.  From my experience my love for Alyssa is no different than my love for my other children.  I only changed her diaper for a few days, I never breast fed her, and I did not raise her.  Yet i still love her the same as if i had done those things.

My grandmother lost her son over 60 years ago.  He would have been about 65 if he lived.  He was born full term but only lived for a few hours.  My grandma and I were visiting his grave about 10 years ago and she cried.  She still loves and mourns him. Does anyone truly believe that this woman loves her son any different than her other 4 children just because she never changed his diaper and she did not raise him?  My other grandma also lost a child, a daughter when the baby was just days old.  15 years ago my grandma could barely say the name "Kathy" when talking about this child without crying.  Do you truly believe because she never raised this child that the love is any less?

Is it really the selfless service that makes you love your children so much?  I am not saying adoptive parents do not love their children the same way as a natural parent does.  I am saying that just because a natural parent does not raise a child does not mean that the natural mother loves a child any less than the adoptive parents.  It seems that as a society we forget that.  We try to ignore the natural parent and make them less than.  I often see the same thing happen to adoptees.  Society wants them to be solely loyal to the adoptive family because they put in the time and money to the child.  To acknowledge that an adoptee wants and loves the natural family seems to be a very hard concept.  I do not understand why that is so hard to comprehend.