Oh Baby

A few days ago I read an amazing post  at adoption truth.  When I grow up I want to be just like her :) .

Happy Birthday Little One

Today Owen turns one year old.  He will always be my oldest grandchild.  No one will take his place, he will always have that title.  Just like his  mom will always be my oldest child.  I worry about both of them.  They both carry the burden of being adopted.  They did not make that choice it was made for them by the adults around them.  The only choice they have is to live with it and slowly process it over the rest of their lives. 

I am hoping for today that several hours Alyssa and Owen will have some time together to just be mother and son.  I'm hoping she can be with him and he will feel the eternal love his mother has had and always will have for him.

Almost a year

This morning we got Alyssa to the airport.  She barely slept but got enough caffeine in her to be quite hyper.  Last night was rough on her.  I could see her try to be strong and then watch as her emotions started to catchup with her.  It was a lot about Owen but she is still and always will be dealing with her own adoption and consequences of it.  She has quite a burden to carry being both an adoptee and natural mom. 

Last night we went shopping for gifts for Owen.  I knew it would be hard for her but I forgot how hard.  Not even knowing your child shoes size, clothes size, his weight, and height, the basics that every mom should know is s hard.  You come fully face to face on what you are missing.  Every first mom that I know of grieves.  Even the first moms that are in great adoptions and do not regret their decision still grieve over he milestones. 

I worry about her especially as July 28 approaches.  I can remember so vividly the pain of her first birthday brought me.  I remember just wanting to die.  I was not suicidal but I was so low emotionally I really couldn't care if I lived another moment.  I'm sure she has these feelings now too.  I hate knowing exactly what she will feel.  Not I can imagine how hard this is but I know how she feels.  I wish I could take this burden from my daughter.  If there was a way to carry this for her I would.  But all I can do is be here for her and let her talk when she wants.

Alyssa will be in Utah until the 2nd and she only feels she has one person out there she can truly talk to and open up to.  If any of you can please keep her in your thoughts and prayers as she makes it through this first milestone that would be so appreciated.

A little someting extra

We went into Vancouver a few times over the week. We had to go to Gas Town and do the tourist thing. My mother-in-law was so sweet and got gifts for all of the immediate family. She spent most of the day looking for the perfect gift for each person. She has always been thoughtful in that way. As she went through and we looked together for certain peoples things she kept listing everyone including my brother-in-laws girlfriend but didn't say anything about Alyssa. It hurt a bit. I figured Alyssa wouldn't know that my mother-in-law got things for everyone else. I didn't say anything at all, I didn't want to be pushy or anything.

Two days later we went hunting for a Murchie's Tea shop. My sister-in-laws loves tea and consider Murchie's the best of all tea. There is not a store front in the states and it is a special treat my mother-in-law has always got for the girls in the family. We searched out and found the closest Murchie's. I knew Alyssa loves tea and I wanted to find her a cute mug or something to go with it. I found a really good tea called Coconut Chai tea. I am not a big fan of tea and I loved the smell of this. I know she would love it too. This came in a loose leaf tea so I found a tea pot that came with an infuser to hold the loose leaf.

I finished paying while my mother-in-law found gifts at the tea shop. All of a sudden she looks at me and said "I totally forgot to get Alyssa anything" We looked around for a few minutes longer and found a perfect tea cup for Alyssa. I did start to tear up a bit. I was so happy that she had even thought of my daughter, that Alyssa was included as a member of the immediate family.

Point Roberts Vacation

Entering Canada about 15 hours into our drive



This is the view we saw from our condo.  I love the sand bars.



This is an eagles nest in one of the trees right acrossed from the beach.



Hanging out at one of the cousins houses. 





Cassie and me walking along the street beside the beach. 

 We got home from vacation on Monday night.  It was the most relaxing vacation I think I ever had. We got away from everything, Internet, phone calls, work, absolutely everything.  We were able to see my husband's Canadian family which we haven't seen in 10 years. There were many days we stayed at the beach just walking and playing.  The weather wasn't that hot at all.  It averaged about 70 degrees.  We have decided we are going back next summer.  It was so nice to have a no obligation vacation.  We weren't worried about being anywhere at a certain time.  We did not even do much sight seeing we just played and walked a lot.

Vacation time

We have planned for a year to go to Vancouver in Canada.  We haven't been up there since 2001.  I miss going there.  I miss the beach, sandbars, and the condo literally being within feet of the beach.  My husband's family lives up there.  His grandparents were born and raised in Canada, it wasn't until after they married that they moved to California.  We don't see this part of the extended family often but we always start up right where we left off. My husband comes from the nicest, most down to earth people there are.  I am honored to now be one of them through marriage. 

The only downfall is Alyssa is not going with us.  She has to work which I totally understand and I am glad she is so responsible.  Also her best friend is coming to California while we are gone.  They get to explore together as young woman both Santa Cruz and San Francisco.  Alyssa can show her friend a few of the fun things to do and see locally.  I am glad they have that friendship but I am sure going to miss Alyssa.  I love her friend too.  I think she is one of the kindest people that are out there.  I feel like she is my third daughter.  It sucks that I will miss seeing her when she comes in town. 

I want Alyssa to come with us so bad.  I want to introduce Jeremy's extended family to ALL of my children.    I want to go on vacation and it be the 6 of us.  I know I sound extremely selfish.  After all I am lucky to have a great relationship with Alyssa.  I am able to have her live with us.  We do have a relationship that most natural moms and adoptees would envy but I want more.  I want her to go on vacation with us.  To explore with us.  I want her to see the things my other children have.   I just want to see her excitement about discovering new places.   Ten days apart is going to be rough on the both of us I think.

graduation time

A few weeks ago my youngest niece graduated from high school.  A lot of the family came to her graduation.  I sat by my sister (my nieces mom).   After it was over we were waiting for everyone to leave the stands.  All of a sudden I saw my sister talking to someone I didn't know and I see her pointing to me and Alyssa.  Honestly I was a bit upset.  I was thinking can't I just be a family?  Does it have to be pointed out that I placed Alyssa?  This wasn't the time to get into an adoption discussion.  I didn't want to be looked as as a saint or a sinner. Then my sister came over and introduced me to her friend.  It turns out that this woman placed her first child, a son, 5 years ago.  We started talking about it.  She explained that she was in an open adoption.  So I asked when did you last see your son?  She replied back when he was 15 months old.  I was in shock, flabbergasted, almost stunned into silence.  She explained that the family lives in the Midwest and she lives in California.  I did say well it is easy to say you have an open adoption when you don't have to see your child's other mother in 4 years.  It is easy to send out pictures once or twice a year. 

We started talking about the pain of adoption and then she looked at Alyssa and said something to the affect of it does get easier over time.  I asked her "does it really get easier or do you just learn to live with the pain?" 

I find it interesting the term open adoption now a days.  It means so many things to so many people.  It could mean I never met the aparents but I get a letter every few years but no pictures(like mine was for years).  It could mean I met the aparents and I was able to visit a few times.  It could mean I am able to see my child once a year for an hour in public but never in the couples home.  Or it could mean that the adoptive family and natural family act as one extended family and they do holidays and random get togethers every few weeks or months.  Every adoptive couple (of domestic newborn) that I know claim to have an open adoption.  A lot of natural parents say they had an open adoption but later the adoption closed.