Dec 6 birthdays

Today is my oldest nieces birthday, she turned 24 December 6.  I know my sister had a very difficult time when she had Cheri.  Shana was just 16 years old and still going to high school.  She did end up graduating with all A's and B's.  She married Cheri's dad and had 2 more children.  She ended up being a single mom with 3 kids by the time she was 25 years old.  She always worked, and worked very hard.  As the years went by it was rare that she even got child support, she was the sole provider of her children.  She did remarry when her youngest was about 6 and Cheri was about 12.  She didn't always know how she would pay for everything but she made it work.  Did she struggle? Yes she did.  Was she a good mom? Absolutely.  Would my niece have been better off if she was adopted?  I truly don't think so. 

My sister did fight to keep her daughter.  She fought my mom, her doctor, members of her church.  She had to prove to everyone wrong about their ideas of single young mothers.  We talked about this a few years ago, she told me she would not have lived if she would have placed Cheri.  That is the one thing that would have broke her.  It is not selfish or unloving to parent your children even as a single mom.  Cheri, I am so glad your mom made the decision she did.  I'm glad you are my niece and I have been able to watch you grow up.

And to the other birthday today.  It is my nephew John Robert, he was born Dec 6, 1995.  He is my brother's child.  I have not seen him since he was a few days old.  My brother was about 16 and so was his girlfriend.  This was the only child that either of them had.  He was placed for adoption.  I do not know all the details of why or how everyone feels about it.  It is a subject we don't talk about. I did talk to John's mother about a year and a half ago.  Her life has been a bit chaotic since she placed and she feels it was the best for him to be placed.  How John feels, I do not know.  I don't even know what his name was changed to.  My brother and I do not discuss this at all.   I do think of him and wonder what he is like.  I wonder if he looks more like my family or his moms family.  Is he tall and thin like his dad.  Does he play music?  I hope he is okay. I hope he hasn't struggled, I hope he is happy and knows he is loved.  I wonder if he wants contact with us?  I do want to meet him.  I do want to look into his eyes.  I was there when he was born and I would have loved to watch him grow up.

I do not know what city or state he is in but I wonder if I have seen him passing by.  He is 8 months older than my Kenny.  I wonder how they would get along if they have similar interest.  We live in a city of about a million people, do my sons and John have friends in common?  John if you ever happen upon this post I would love contact with you.  I"m sorry we didn't fight harder to keep you in the family.  I do love you and think of you often. 

Dirty Little Secret

I just read 2 good blogs with comments.  The first is FMF and the second is Living Life.   Go read them and then come back.   This might take a while.  Of course both of these are written by mothers and not adoptees.  Adoptees have made some very good comments so we can understand it from their perspective too.  One adoptee blogged about this too at what the hell am I supposed to call this.

About a year ago my daughter and I were talking about what it is like to be adopted.  How she feels about it, what her perspective is.  She had said no one would choose to be pulled between two families for eternity.  Belonging to both families but neither family at the same time.  She is quite wise for her 19 years, if I do say so myself.

I had thought recently how nice it would be if we could all get together for the holidays.  Not nice as in wow you are amazing let's be one happy family but nice as in it would be good for our daughter to not feel pulled between both families.  We share one grandchild, and hopefully we will share more grand kids in the future.  We will be attending our daughter's wedding in June so it would be best to learn to get along and maybe even like each other. It would be nice for her not to feel torn between us.  My daughter has never had to keep her parents as a DLS from me.  I have tried to encourage her to keep the communication lines opened.  They will always be her parents.  I know she will always love them.  I know sometimes she has had to keep me as a DLS, she can't always tell them about our interactions (before she moved in).  They seemed to feel betrayed because we have a relationship.  I have came to their door to pick up Allysa and they have refused to come to the door because they knew I was there.  Yes that hurt, who wouldn't be hurt by that but that is what they have to deal with.  I can't put Allysa in the middle of our feelings we were the adults and made a decision about her life, her adoption.  We as her parents have to deal with the aftermath (and to me that includes dealing with each other).

A couple months ago I was out Ken's Boy Scout Court of Honor.  This is the the meeting that happens every 3 months that parents, family members, and friends are invited to.  The boys receive their merit badges and new ranks.  A fellow parent came up to me and introduced herself to Allysa.  This parent said something along the lines of "You must be Jeannette's daughter, it is so nice to finally meet you."  I could tell Allysa was happy.  She realized that she wasn't a DLS of mine.  She was loved and wanted and she realized I wasn't ashamed of her.  My friends and acquaintances knew about her even if Allysa had never met them. 

If you are a mother who surrendered please don't allow your child to be a DLS.  I know it is hard to come out of our closet.  We don't want everyone to know about our decision to surrender.  I know how hard it is and the judgement that you feel from others.  But it is worth it for your relationship with your child.  No one wants to be a DLS.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving was amazing.  For the first time ever I had all of my kids together.  It was L-O-U-D and they were rambunctious, there was laughter and even a little bit of arguing.  But I had all of my kids.  I missed Owen incredibly though.  Our little family will not be complete without him.  He is so loved and he will always be part of our family even though he isn't with us.  I wonder how Allysa's other parents are dealing without having her with them for the holidays?  I know what it is like not to have one of your children with you.  To celebrate holidays as a family but have your loved one missing, it does hurt.  I'm sure they are feeling what I have felt over the last 19 years.

One really cool thing happened on Thanksgiving.  Jer's grandmother was handing out Christmas cards with money in them.  She was giving them out to each of her grand kids and great grand kids.  She had a card for Allysa too.  My eyes watered up, I held in my joy and my tears.  Allysa was accepted without question by Jer's grandma.  When I was pregnant with her I was told how no man would ever accept her, no family would want me and my daughter to marry into their family.  Jer's family has shown me other wise.  His grandma is 80myears old and hard core Catholic but she accepts my daughter without question.

I think it is much easier to accept a toddler than a 19 year old daughter that has returned to her natural family.  My husband's family has accepted her.  They love her. The one thing that I was told would not ever be possible has happened.  You know what?  They would have accepted me with my one year old daughter 18 years ago as much as they accept us now.

Oh how I wish I could go back to my 16 year old self and tell her what I know now.  Do not believe the industries lies.  They are there to make a profit.  You can raise your child, you will find the man of your dreams in just over a year.  He will accept and love both of you.  His family will love the both of you too.  You can raise this beautiful baby just as well as a married older couple can.  Oh my 16 year old self I wish you knew what I know now.

To my kids

Sunday was a really bad, horrible, awful parenting day.  My emotions were out of wrack and I handled every situation with my kids badly horribly.  Usually I try my best, sometimes (or a lot of times) I mess up.  Sunday I just didn't care.  I wanted things to go exactly how I wanted them.  I didn't want to deal with anyone elses emotions, wants, or needs.  I just totally was out of line.  I did yell, I am a very confrontational person I do not keep things inside when I am upset.  If I am upset with you and I keep it inside it is because you are not worth my effort to get upset with.  You are not worth my time.

I have waited 19 years years to parent all of my children and I just screw it up, not just a little bit but majorly.  I got everyone pissed off and angry with me.  Everyone but my husband, he has a way to love me through my bad days.  I forget I have to be so careful with Allysa, I didn't parent her, things set her off differently than the other kids.  Allysa does not confront when she is upset she puts her walls up and is ready to run.  She did not leave but I know she was so close to she wanted to just leave me and never return.  If she did I wouldn't blame her either.

There have been so many changes so fast that I just exploded over small things.  Part of the problem (my issue) is Allysa getting married.  I am happy and excited for her but I feel like I am losing my little girl, my baby all over again.  What if she doesn't want me anymore?  These are my problems, my emotions not hers.  She has done nothing to make me think she doesn't want me in her life but it is my biggest fear.  Letting go again and preparing myself for it does tear me apart. 

Saturday we found out that Owen and his parents won't make it to the wedding.  Yes, that hurt, it hurt incredibly.  It was just one more time to say "you aren't our family".  I know it wasn't meant that way but it still feels that way.  It still hurts.  I'm sure they have valid reasons but we can still hurt and feel sad.  Just like if Allysa had decided to parent they would have been sad and be hurt over that and they would feel pain. 

I don't think Allysa has fully forgiven me for getting so upset on Sunday.  I am sure she feels resentment and pain towards me.  Allysa if you read this please know that I love you so much.  I'm sorry for failing you, I'm sorry for failing your siblings too.  I will try harder.  I know I am the farthest thing from perfect but I do love each of you incredibly much. 

Love Always,
Mama

2 great posts

I was navigating adoptoland on the internet today.  I found 2 really great posts.   I admit it I love to read what adoptees have to say about adoption.  For me to understnd my daughter and grandson I have to understand adoption from their viewpoint.  I have to go out of my comfort zone and my pain to look at how adoption has affected them.  How adopion has hurt hem and caused them pain.  I truly think all adoptions on some level are rooted in pain.  I don't care if you are "the good happy adoptee"  to get to be adopted you had no rights and your parents abandoned you.  That is the ugly truth. 

The first post by Iadoptee I do not have permission to link.  I tried to ask her permission but for some reason blogger is acting up.  I hope I don't upset anyone by linking to her. iAdoptee

The other adoptee is Joy.  I love her writing and how she is so protective of the next generation of adoptees.  She doesn't apolagize for it at all, she has gusto and confidence.

Fast Forward

Yesterdays post basically covered one year of our reunion. I left off at September 2010.  In December 2010 Allysa went to Hawaii with her boyfriend and 2 days after they got back he broke up with her.  She called me upset and crying.  They had been together close to a year.  I was sad for her that her heart was broken but I was not upset that they broke up, honestly.  I couldn't tell her that at the time but I thought it was a very good thing for her emotionally.  Since then she has dated a lot. There has been a couple special guys but there also has just been a lot of dating men and she has figured out what she won't accept and what she does want out of a relationship. 

In January 2011 we met her boyfriend Ian and got to spend a weekend with them in Tahoe.  In February Allysa turned 19 that week her ex-boyfriend started stalking her again and Owen's adoption was finalized.  In March I got to see Owen again at the celebration of his forever family.  I do not know how people celebrate tearing apart families.  To me that is incomprehensible.  I do not care if you adopted through foster care, internationally, or wet from the womb infant adoption.  You are still celebrating with family and friends that your child was in a position to lose their first family. 

Last May Allysa moved in with us.  Her relationship with her parents seem to be improving slowly. I know Allysa makes a lot of effort on her part to keep in contact with them.   My house is louder now, there is more laughing, playing, and some days fighting.  I do not know any siblings that are as close in age as my kids are that do not fight.  They also have each other's backs.  No one is allowed to hurt one of my kids or the others will make amends.  They will not physically fight but they will stand up for each other.  And they are absolutely funny together.  They have a way to crack each other up, sometimes it seems there is a special bond between these 4 kids.

I thought I had a job lined up for Allysa when she moved out here but it was postponed.  She searched months and months for a decent job that was full time.  She has ended up working 3 part time jobs.  They all fell into her lap at the in September and October.

Allysa recently (about 6 weeks ago) starting dating a guy.  They have fallen head over heels and are  in a whirlwind romance.  He comes from a good family, his parents are still married and seem happy. He also has  an education (yes that is a big deal).  Allysa usually falls for what I call "the lost puppy".  These guys have some potential if they weren't doing A(drugs),B(gangs), or C(lazy).  They usually have lost one parent or had very bad parenting.  The family dimensions that these men have came from are really messed up to say the least.  Allysa seems to always be the one to try to fix these men. 

And now to make sure we do not have a dull moment ever, Allysa and this new guy decided they want to get married in June 2012. Allysa has picked out her wedding dress, her colors, and decided to get married in Tahoe but have 2 receptions.  One in Utah with her adoptive family, and one in my hometown with my family and friends.  I'm sure I will be at both receptions.  Allysa's adoptive parents, my husband and I, and Allysa are paying for the wedding.  And the best news ever is that Owen gets to be the ring bearer.  His parents have already agreed to it.

Fast Forward

It is coming up on my 18th wedding anniversary in about a week and a half.  How have I been married that long?  How is it possible?  Today November 15, 2009 was my first contact with Allysa via facebook. 

In the last 2 years everything has changed.  We have grown so close.  We have endured more than I ever thought possible. Allysa has grown and changed so fast too.  I want to slow down.  I want to be able to enjoy these moments.

December 20th, 2009 I found out Allysa was pregnant (barely a month after our first real contact).  I worried, and celebrated this with her.  I encouraged and loved her.  we started to build our relationship.  We talked on the phone for the first time in January 2010.  Allysa's mom did not want us to talk on the phone so we waited a few months after the initial facebook contact.  It took me 18 years to truly hear my daughter's voice. 

February 2010 we met in  person.  I was able to spend days with my daughter.  It was more amazing than I could imagine.  I finally had all of my children together.  We were in the same room!!!  They got along great.  Everyone was on their best behavior too!

By this point Allysa had told me that she was going to LDSFS to make a decision.  How she went from I will never place my child, I know the damage it does to making an adoption plan in a few short months made my head spin.  Her decision had a lot to do with the parents that I chose for her. 

In April I saw Allysa one more time.  Her boyfriend and her were in Southern California.  They were supposed to come to Northern California for a week but they ended up spending about 18 hours here instead.  This boyfriend was all about manipulation and being cruel.  I could write a separate blog just about him.  Allysa was head over heels for him, after all he would accept her in her condition, he wouldn't raise this baby, but he would accept her being pregnant.  He ended up being mentally abusive to her.  All of the signs were there and this relationship terrified me. 

By May 2010 she had chosen parents for her son.  It is sad how easily mother's are manipulated.  How we are asked to "just look at a few profiles", then asked to compare what we can give compared to any of these couples.  How we are not given the knowledge how to raise our child.  How we might be told about welfare, but only how bad it is.  How we will stand in line at soup kitchens if we raise our child.  How we are never asked to look outside of ourselves even to the father and his family.  Owen's grandfather (dad's father)is senior vice president in Canada to one of the largest food companies in Canada.  Yet it was never looked into if they would be able to keep Owen in the family.  Owens paternal grandparents didn't even have any knowledge of Owen until about 2 weeks before he was born.  Owen is also their first grandchild.  It was never encouraged to look for help from the father, not when a married couple could raise this child.

May 2010 my sister and I saw Allysa graduate high school.  We were asked through Allysa not to sit by Allysa's parents.  They didn't want to see us at all.  Owens PAPs were there also and were welcomed to sit by Allysa's parents but not me, I'm a home wrecker.  I had wanted Allysa to have her graduation dinner with her parents.  I thought they deserved that right.  I thought they should celebrate this with her.  Instead they decided to not have a family dinner to celebrate.  I knew Allysa was disappointed.  She wanted to have a dinner with them.  I decided since they did not have plans and would not celebrate I was going to take Allysa out to sushi.  We had dinner with my sister, me, Allysa, and Allysa's boyfriend.  Allysa handled her disappointment very well.  She also found out that day that she was to cover up her pregnancy from her grandparents and she had been expected to wear her graduation robe anytime her grandparents were around the day that she graduated.  Nothing like making your child feel more ashamed of herself. 

At the end of June I came out to Utah for a family reunion and we were able to spend some time together.  While I was in Utah Allysa started showing a few signs that she might start in preterm labor.  I tried to warn her but there was no one close to her who had kids that could sit down and teach her about pregnancy.  She was so closed off, at this point her life consisted of her boyfriend, PAPS, her parents, and working. 

Mid July Allysa went into early labor and started dilating.  She was in labor for at least 6 hours before she went into the hospital.  They were able to stop her and put her on bed rest plus give her some steroids to help Owen's lungs develop. 

July 28th they induced Allysathem when she was hurting and confused.  She talked to them about how she was raised.

It was just a few weeks after Owen was born that I started blogging.  I needed a way to not let go, to not literally just die.  I needed to figure out this glory of adoption.  I needed to understand better how to survive this the second time around.  I couldn't unknow my truth, I couldn't return to the fog.  I couldn't go back to LDSFS for their counseling again.  I couldn't sit on anymore boards promoting adoption (I did that after Allysa was born, I was the perfect beemommie).  I needed to write and get out my emotions.  I needed to know that there were others like me.

This post is getting extremely long, I will continue it in a second post.