Similarities and differnces

Alyssa and I were talking the other day and she was commenting how much she looks like my lil sister.  I see similarities but I don't really see they look a lot alike.  Ofcourse Alyssa moves  like us,  she talks like us, shakes her head the same way we do, she has the same mannerisms.  But I have a hard time seeing how much she look like us.  I finally realized why.

My family 1979/1980
Back row: My dad holding Charlyn, Mom holding Jason, My oldest brother ray in brown, Anita in lavender dress, and Shana in the blue dress. Beside my mom is Laurel in the dark green dress and I am in the red dress.

I grew up in a very big family.  Six of us seven kids had blond hair and blue eyes. My youngest sister has green eyes and dark hair.  If she didn't come as a set of twins a lot of people would question if she was the mail mans.  Her twin brother had blond hair and blue eyes though.   I was always embarrassed with having such a big family.  We lived in California not Utah and everywhere we went people would stare at us and count the number of kids. Even people that knew us would get confused at which kid each of us were.  I hated being called by my sisters name or just referred to by "The Smith kids".  I was Jeanette I was different than them.  From a very young age I tried to see the differences and see what made us individual.   I think I still have that perception I see similarities between all of us but I also notice the differences more than anything. 

Alyssa being adopted never knowing her family, she looks for the similarities.  She is much better at noticing peoples similarities than I am.  She notices everyone's voice, face shapes, the deep dimples, eye colors, nose shapes, even the body build of all of us. 

To see more pictures you can go to http://myfamilyofadoption.blogspot.com/2011/06/family-pics-similarities.html?zx=7cba15b8dc758639

Food the new adventure

My family has so many food allergies it is absolutely ridiculous.  I have an allergy to animal fats.  I can not eat pork, steak, or even dark meat on chicken without getting sick.  I also have  a mild allergy to milk.  I did not grow up with these allergies but they came on after I had Cassie.  Kenny and Cassie have very sensitive stomachs and have trouble with spices.  Going out  to eat is very hard so I have learned to cook for every one's dietary needs.  My younger sister has an allergy to gluten and dairy.  I have 2 nephews that are highly allergic to dairy.  My mom can have no animal fats of any kind including all meats and dairy.  My mom's allergies came on when she hit late 40's to early 50's.  Kenny had a milk allergy until he was3 years old and then all of a sudden he could have dairy after 3.

When Alyssa started getting sensitive to dairy and dark meats after she had Owen I was not surprised at all.  I had warned her that it could happen but it might not.  I thought it was best for her to know it was possible to get an adult onset food allergies.

I have only used chicken and turkey for our meats in the last 12 years.  I do not use a lot of dairy in my cooking so I didn't think I would have to change up our cooking that much. We are finding out that Alyssa  has an allergy to soy also.  It seems that soy is in everything out there.  We are experimenting and trying new recipes.  I'm trying to find foods that all 6 of us can eat and enjoy.  I do have to say though without being able to go out to eat at restaurants and fast food the food budget goes way down.  I have loved making pizza from scratch but Alyssa can't have that at all so we aren't using that recipe anymore.  If anyone has some good vegetarian recipes that do not use soy or tofu I am more than willing to experiment.

Likeness

My oldest son Alex is my quiet, shy reserved child.  He does not like being the center of attention.  He is very smart and always a good student.  He gets embarrassed very easy. The other three kids are loud and energetic and like attention.  It is almost a compettitionwho can be the silliest, funniest craziest kid between the three.

Over the last 2 years my husbands family has commented how much Alex looks, moves, and even acts like Alex's great Uncle that died about 10 years before Alex was born when this Uncle was only about 21 years old.  I never met my husband's uncle.  I do not have any frame of reference for how he acted, moved, or looked like.  This Uncle was child number 8 so there wasn't a lot of pictures of him that I have seen.  Talking to my husbands family has helped me understand how to raise, love, and nurture Alex.  Alex has started to hear stories of his uncle and about his personality.  It has helped Alex embrace himself and love himself more.  It has helped Alex to fit in our family even though his 3 siblingss atre loud and he is quiet and reserved.

Alex is so similar to his uncle that an aunt commented to me that she recently saw a picture of Alex and just the way he stood, held his hands, and even the expression on his face looked so much like his uncle that it took her breath away. 

It has got me thinking about open adoption.  If adoption is really about the child and open adoption is such a great thing why don't adoptive couples open the adoption fully to both sides of their children's natural families.  Why don't they incorporate the families into their own?  Get together for holidays, birthdays, etc?  I'm not just talking about natural parents, but aunts, uncles, and cousins.  Let the children know all of their families.  Wouldn't that help the children understand themselves and their personalities more? It couldn't be a short term thing it would have to be a long term and the natural families would have to be incorporated into the lives of the adoptive family.  It would have to be more like a marriage between the families.

I am sure the adoptive couple would see the hurt that adoption causes to a natural family.  They would have to be strong enough to understand that adoption does cause pain.  Adoption does break up families, that adoption is not, and can never be, a best-case scenario. It relies upon the worst-case scenario having already come to fruition. (quote taken from this blog)

I have encouraged Alyssa to seek out relationships  with her dads side of the family because I know it is important for her.  It helps her to discover and understand more about herself.  So far Alyssa's dad's side is very welcoming to her.  She is in contact with all of his siblings and her grandparents.  She has not met them in person yet because they are spread out a crossed the country. I would love it if Alyssa could be in contact with her other siblings from her dad.  Alyssa having contact with her dad's side is not about me but all about her and helping to find herself.  It is about her having the family connections that we nonadopted take for granted.

I am going to put up on my private blog pictures of Alex and his great-uncle that he looks so much alike.

Too much alike

I am finding it a little too eerie how similar Alyssa and myself are.  She has my drive, ambition, and competitiveness.  What I didn't expect is how much we dress alike.  My parents used to always wear the same color of shirts by accident.  Mom would get dressed, go to work wearing a plum colored color sweater and my dad would be wearing a plum colored shirt.  That happened several times a week.  I always thought it was because they had been married for so long (over 40 years now).

Alyssa and I try to work out every day for at least 30 minutes.  We will either go to the gym to do cardio and weights or we go for a hike.  We have pink, black, teal, lime green, black,. white, zebra print, orange, and brown workout outfits.  You would think that their was enough things that we would never be wearing the same colored outfit.  At least 5 times a week we will wear the same colors or the same style of clothes (like the same work out skirts). I will be getting ready and then look at Alyssa and she is wearing the same color of outfit as I am.  It looks like we planned it but we never do.  A lot of times we will even do our hair the same.

I am wondering has anyone else had similar experience?

What about the adoptive parents?

I may never know what it is truly like to be an adoptee but I am starting to understand one aspect of it.  Over the last year and a half and especially over the last month I have gotten "What about her parents?, How do they feel?, Aren't you hurting them?"  I wonder when a couple adopts do they get the same thing?  Do they hear "But what about the newborns parents?  How are they?  Are they OK? Are you hurting them?" Are adoptive parents asked "Isn't this newborn attached to their natural/original/b mother?  Isn't that the only mother they know?"  Of course those questions are never asked of adoptive parents. They are instead congratulated and praised.

The first time I was asked "What about the adoptive parents?" was from my aunt on the day I reunited with my daughter on her 18th birthday.  She told me how she would be hurt if she had raised a daughter from birth and then a birthmom waltzed in and wanted a relationship with HER daughter. 

Recently many family and friends have asked me how do Alyssa's parents feel about Alyssa moving in with us.  If Alyssa hears the question she just replies, "my parents are fine with it" and just looks at me and says "you are fine with it right mom."  If she isn't around I go into more intellectual and try to explain how adoptees have 4 parents.  I explain that my relationship with Alyssa have nothing to do with her relationship with her other parents. 

But somehow especially when this comes from my family and very close friends that I love it is so hurtful.  I expect them to be more understanding what I have been to through, what Alyssa has been through, and what my other kids have been through. 

I am starting to understand how adoptees feel when they are asked what about your parents?  Won't their feelings get hurt?  How do they feel about about search/reunion?

Alyssa's coming home part 2

It seemed like forever but we finally left the state of Utah.  Can I tell you how much I hate that state?  My ancestors came to Utah to settle there.  I always felt like it was a second home when I was younger.  But now with this adoption fiasco with the laws written so horribly, I hate it.  The state where fathers have no rights for their own children.  Another state that keeps OBC sealed from the people that should have it.  The state that adoption agencies love.  It is the state that my daughter's adopters ran to when there oldest adoptee came of age.  In Utah I see so much hate if you do not follow "the rules" of how everyone is supposed to dress, talk, act.  If you go away from the rules you are less than, you are undeserving even of your own flesh and blood.  i was so happy to leave and have my oldest with me.  I felt more myself than I ever have, I felt free.

i was prepared for the long drive with 5 hour energy drinks and my drug of choice - diet coke.  i figured driving would not be a problem.  I should be very alert. I was so wrong.  My body was ready to crash by 9pm.  We stopped every few hours for potty breaks and gas refills.  We were both getting very tired and there was no moon that night and very few cars on the road.  We finally arrived in Tahoe around 1am.  We brought in the necessities and immediately went to sleep.  We were both crazy exhausted. 

We woke up by 6am and were ready to hit the road by 7am.  Only 4 more hours of driving and we would be home.  We stopped twice on the way home once for diet coke and the other time for a bathroom break.  My husband planned to get the family together to welcome us home about noon but that got changed to meeting at my sisters house and everyone arriving about 2or a little after.  By that time I was in no mood for socialization but I did socialize anyway.  I really wanted to go home and go to sleep. 

Cassie and Alyssa asked to go home around 5pm so I dropped them off and gave them some time to be alone for about an hour or so.  The 6 of us finally all got home together around 6:30 or 7.  It is  so nice to have all my kids living under one roof and not trying to squeeze in a year of catching up into a few days of visiting.

Bringing Alyssa home has been the best gift I could ever have, not just for me but for all 4 of my kids, for my husband, and for our extended family.

Trip bringing Alyssa home - trying to leave the state of Utah

Before the details leave my brain I wanted to write them down.  The plan was for me to fly out to Utah on Sunday May 29th and we would drive Alyssa's car to California.  I did not want her to drive alone for those 12 hours.  The 26th Alyssa's car started having problems so she took it to the dealership.  The problem was a piece of her car needed to be recalled and it was going to take 30 to 45 days to get the part.  That through a wrench into our plans.  I booked a car for us to rent from Utah and drive to California.  I used a debit card not a credit card. I figured it had the visa logo so it should work the same.

I woke up early on Sunday and got ready, we left the house by 8:15am even though my flight wouldn't leave until 11am.  I knew we would be driving about 45 minutes to the airport and I did not want any glitches.  I would much rather be early and wait around then miss my plane.   I made it through security without a problem and waited about an hour before my plane was set to depart.  I was traveling alone so I just played a few games of sudoku while I waited to board. 

About 10:40 I boarded and found a seat right by the window.  The plane wasn't totally full so no one was sitting directly beside me.  I read a magazine while we took off.  I hate taking off, for me it is the scariest part of the plane ride.  I was doing fine emotionally until about half way through the plane ride.  I started thinking about when i placed her how alone I felt and how it was interesting for her to move in with me by her choice and I am alone and getting her.  There were happy and sad tears at the same time.

When I finally landed I made sure I was cleaned up.  Alyssa, Jasmine, and Colton met me at baggage claim.  I met Jasmine when Alyssa was in labor with Owen.  She is Alyssa's true friend.  Not only best friend but loving true friend.  I adore this young woman. Words just do not express how much I love her.  She is an adoptee too and I know that has connected Alyssa and her in a very special way.  Jasmine and I have also been able to connect and talk deeply.  I think it helps that I can understand the loss that is in adoption.  Even in the best of adoptions there is a loss. 

Alyssa was dating Colton when we were communicating through letters only.  They have remained friends but have started dating again.  It was really cool to meet him.  Colton brought me flowers too.  I thought that was just the sweetest thing ever.

My plane arrived at 1:30and I was hoping to leave Utah by 3pm but we ran into trouble.  When I went to pick up the car from Budget they said I had to have an actual credit card because I was not returning the car where I picked it up from.  I could give them a utility bill as proof of address instead of an actual credit card.  Freaking serious!!!!  Who carries a utility bill on them to go to the airport?  And the bill had to be faxed to them it could not be sent by email.  Of course no manger was on site so I could not get anyone to intervene.  After a while the lady called her manager and he allowed my husband to email him the utility bill.  If they did not get the utility bill by the end of the day then I would be charged with stealing a car.  I have never even got a speeding ticket so stealing a car is crazy.  Luckily about 4 or 5 hours into our trip the manager finally received the email.  We had sent it about 8 or 10 times just to make sure it was received.  The first few times he could not open the PDF attachment. 

By the time I got the car and started driving it was close to 3.  The 4 of us went to Carl's Jr.  I hadn't eaten all day and I was starving.  I drove the rental with Jasmine and Alyssa and Colton were in the car that they drove to meet me at the airport in.  that car was filled with Alysa's boxes of things to come to California.  At Carl's Jr we also moved everything to the rental.  I had fry sauce for the first time ever too.  I think it is a Utah thing, it comes with the fries instead of ketchup. 

After eating and joking around we dropped Jasmine off to where her car was because she had to go to work.  Then we stopped by Alyssa's aparents house to get her cat and a few things.  I waited in the car while Alyssa and Colton went in.  I have no desire to see Alyssa's amom and she has no desire to see me.  I did not want to invade amom space by coming into her home. 

It wasn't long before Alyssa and Colton had everything they needed.  We next dropped Colton off at his car and we were finally on our way out of Utah.  I drove while Alyssa blasted the music.  She was the DJ.  We talked but nothing deep which was fine for the both of us.  By the time we left Utah it was 5pm.  2 hours later than I had hoped.  Luckily I planned to stop in Tahoe for the night to sleep.  I only had to drive 8 hours.