As adoptive parents in society you know other adoptive parents. As an adoptee you usually know other adoptees. As a natural mom there are groups that we can reach out to and find other natural moms. But what about the children that have a sibling placed for adoption? How often do they know other children that also have a sibling placed for adoption? All too often the raised children have not been told about the sibling that was placed for adoption. I know my kids were afraid to talk about it with their peers before we met Alyssa. They did not want to be the odd one out that didn't know what their sister looked like or even what her name was. How do you explain to other kids why your mom couldn't raise your sister but could raise you?
My 14 year old was talking to me a few months ago about a conversation he had with a friend at school. First of all I am so thankful that my son is comfortable enough to talk to people now about his sister. I've never told my kids that they could not talk about her or that she is a secret. I knew they would need to tell people and to open up to others about there experience in adoption, being the kids left behind. Growing up without their sister could not be easy on them.
He was talking to a friend about how his sister was placed for adoption but they now know each other and we are like a big family. His friend told him that he had a secret. This kid also had an older sibling placed for adoption. I don't know all the details about their conversation. Kenny did tell me that his friend is not in contact with the adopted sibling. They do not know where the sibling is. They did talk about the loss and pain. This other teenage boy told my son that he feels like adoption and abortion are the same thing. An abortion stops the pregnancy and kills what could have been while in adoption it is metaphoric, the baby doesn't die but it does kill the family and what should have been there. Kenny did agree with his friend.
As much as I hate that there are other kids that also suffer through living with adoption I am thankful Kenny has been able to open up to others. I'm thankful he reached out to this child and now they have someone that can understand them. I am glad that they now feel like they aren't the only ones dealing with this. I'm glad that they no longer feel alone. I'm glad that Kenny felt comfortable enough to share his story with his friend.
Wow...powerful truth in that young man's observation. I am going to have to spend time pondering that one.
ReplyDeleteI often wonder what this is like for my parented children...I know that Matthew is doing better with it than Luke, perhaps just because of age. Luke struggles with the fact his big sister doesn't want to know him and doesn't want to be a part of our family.
"This other teenage boy told my son that he feels like adoption and abortion are the same thing. An abortion stops the pregnancy and kills what could have been while in adoption it is metaphoric, the baby doesn't die but it does kill the family and what should have been there."
ReplyDeleteSo much insight for someone so young! And how true. Just further evidence adoption leaves its mark on more than just the mother and child but trails throughout the family.
"An abortion stops the pregnancy and kills what could have been while in adoption it is metaphoric, the baby doesn't die but it does kill the family and what should have been there"
ReplyDeleteWow. That's a smart kid. I think that for kept kids, it has got to be hard, especially when it is a closed adoption, or there is never any contact.
Of course, YOU did the right thing. You were honest from the beginning. So very important for the other kids, and for the adoptee, when they reconnect with their first family.
I know it is a very unknown territory for older siblings, like my own, who were kept from the truth. My siblings have said it would have been so much easier had they known about me their entire lives. There aren't too many support groups for people like my siblings.
Mama, That is what I always say about abortion vs. adoption. I think it is crazy that people actually agree with it. Someone who has not lived through it will not comprehend the similarities between the 2. They see adoption as "the ultimate gift" but in reality, who really gets the gift? Growing up as an adoptee, I know it is not the adoptee. Now being a first mom, I know it is not the first mom. That leaves one more corner to the triangle.
ReplyDeleteSometimes, I just think kids are so smart and psychic. While I suppose the chances of finding another kid out there who also has a lost adopted sibling, it seems rather unlikely. I bet they have lots in common, and glad that they are there to support each other.
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