I am rereading the book "the girls who went away". This was the first honest book about adoption that I have ever read. I love that it is not sugar coated just completely honest. You don't get over losing your first child to adoption. Sadly there are a lot of things about adoption that has not changed in over 40 years. It used to be that you did not have rights at all and you were sent away. Now there is a nicer form of adoption out there called coercion.
You are told for months how you can't possibly parent a child by yourself. How a child needs 2 parents - any 2 parents but you. Now at least for me when I found myself pregnant in June of 1991, 2 months after I turned 16, my self esteem was very low. If I had high self esteem I wouldn't be having sex with a guy that was 5 years older than me. I never for one second considered abortion, I am definitely pro choice just not for me. There was a baby inside of me I couldn't abort it. This was my child, and I loved her instantly more than anything else in my world, I would do whatever I had to for my daughter. I never thought of myself as the type of girl to get knocked up. Come on, I knew who the father was. We had been dating since February and he was 20 years old, almost 21. When you are 15, 4 months of dating is forever. I look back now and wonder what the hell was I thinking, seriously. I figured everybody would find out eventually so might as well tell everyone ASAP. I waited about 3 days and told my parents while we were on vacation in Utah. My siblings all found out too. When you come from a big family, I'm child 4 of 7, everyone finds things out fast. I wasn't to tell my cousins or grandparents. I was now the embarrassment.
I was on track to finish high school a year early, only about 3 months after I had my baby I would be finished with high school. I had one job and started looking for a second job. It wasn't long and I was going to high school, I had a night class, and I was working 2 part time jobs. I also did some Saturday schools to help me finish high school as fast as possible. I even went to summer school. I was going to keep my baby no matter what. I did all of these things while being pregnant and having 5 months of horrible morning sickness. I'm not talking about oh I feel nauseous, but I puke my brains out every single day sometimes several times a day for 5 months. Oh I love pregnancy, not.
My mom started talking adoption at the beginning of the pregnancy. I listened quietly but basically ignored her. I got myself into this situation I was going to get myself out and my baby out. I wasn't going to be a statistic. I would figure out a way to provide for my daughter.
In September I broke up with Rob, the baby's dad. I realized he was starting to get very controlling over me. He would tell me what to wear, how I should look, and if I didn't look right to him he would tell me how embarrassing I was. I know nice, huh? It really bothered me that he was still doing drugs, smoking, drinking, and he didn't work, oh and to top it off he still lived with his parents. I was working my ass off and he was doing nothing at all. And he still hadn't told his parents I was pregnant. I felt like he wanted to screw me but didn't have the balls to admit that I was pregnant to his parents. I felt like the dirty secret. My child was never ever going to feel like that. I thought my child was his second child but now 18 years later I find out she was actually his 4th child. All kids were with different woman. Yes I know I could pick them, right.
I ended the relationship with him but he lived about 2 blocks from my high school. There was a few times that he showed up at my high school waiting for me. I told him I needed space. I didn't want to piss him off. I was 5'4" 120 pounds and he was 5'10" to 6 foot tall ( I don't remember his exact height anymore) and 200 pounds. I wasn't going to piss him off, besides I never knew what drugs he was on.
My best friend at the time called up his mom and told her I was pregnant. I didn't really hear from his family after that. But in November 1991 I got an audio tape mailed to me by Rob. On it he had said how he was going to kidnap me and my child. No one was ever going to keep us apart. I would never see my family again either. Yes I was scared and in protection mode. I realized now that I should have got a restraining order and pressed charges for stalking and sex with a minor. But I didn't even know my rights then. I didn't even know what a restraining order was. No one ever told me about these things.
My mom started in more about adoption, protect my child. I finally agreed in December. I was due in February. I just gave up and gave in to all the pressures. Why didn't LDSFS ever tell me my rights and show me my other legal options, I don't know. I think they are so geared for adoption being the only right choice that they don't give you all the options. They don't show you the ways you can raise the child by yourself. My parents definitely were for adoption. When I went to my bishop he pushed for adoption too. I was told, It's what is best for the child, stop thinking about yourself, your child doesn't need you,your child needs two parents, you can't do it by yourself, your too young. I don't know many 16 year old girls that can handle that pressure when they totally alone. My parents never said I couldn't have help from them if I kept my daughter, but they never said they would help me either.
So of course I gave in what I else could I do? I had my beautiful 7 pound 15.5 ounce baby girl on February 27th. I had been in labor for 3 days. I spent over 2 hours of pushing. I held her and had her in my room as much as possible. I had such a rough delivery that they kept me in the hospital for 3 days. This was at a time that they usually kicked you out after 24 hours. I tore so bad that they had to stitch me up for over 30 minutes. No it wasn't a cesarean either, I had her naturally and almost drug free. I did take Tylenol while I was in labor and on the third day of labor I was so exhausted they gave me a shot so I could sleep for about 2 hours before I had to push.
I honestly had no idea if I wanted to see my baby, but after I gave birth I didn't want to do anything but hold her. I knew I would only be her mom for a very short time and I wanted her to know she was loved and wanted. Part of me didn't want anyone else to come and interrupt the time with my daughter but the other half of me felt selfish for not giving my parents and sisters more time with my daughter. I was not ready to let her go, I wasn't ready to place her and say goodbye. What if I never see her again. How can any other woman love my child as much as me, her real mother? I just wanted someone to rescue me and my baby. I don't want to go through with this any longer. I didn't want to leave the hospital with out my only child. The hardest thing was to go home empty handed. I hadn't signed away my rights yet but I wasn't allowed to bring my child home either. Adoption is a weird twisted world.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Sunday, October 17, 2010
First reunion part 3
Sunday February 28th we also hung out with my daughter, Alyssa. She came to my aunts house and met my parents, my aunt, my uncle, and my 13 year old nephew. To me it felt like this is how it should have been from the beginning. Alyssa with her natural family.
The night before I was talking with my Aunt Kay about Alyssa and us meeting. My aunt, who is closer in age to Alyssa's A parents than to me, was saying how hard it must be on her A parents to have me in Alyssa's life. After all they adopted her. They have raised her for 18 years. They are her "real" parents. I tried to tell my aunt this is about Alyssa knowing both families, knowing her heritage, knowing her biology. There is a connection that only I can give Alyssa. There are questions only I can answer for Alyssa. These are things her A parents can't give her.
I find it so interesting that as a natural mom I was supposed to do what was best for my daughter. If I truly loved her I would give her 2 parents. I would give her the stability of a stay at home mom. I would give her the stability of well-off parents. But it doesn't work that way for adoptive parents. It seems that adoption is more about ownership. My daughter's A parents didn't give her their blessing and support to have a relationship with me. All research shows that it is best for adopted children to have relationships with there natural parents. I have never been to jail, done an illegal drug in my life, I haven't even had a speeding ticket but I am dangerous to my daughter? The worst thing about me is I am liberal when it comes to politics. I know that is scary bad, right. I understand they love our daughter and want to protect her, but from who? How I see it, if they haven't formed a bond and connection with her after 18 years than it has nothing to do with me. My daughter and her natural family having a relationship does not hurt her relationship with the parents that raised her.
During the morning Alyssa, her siblings, my husband, and I hung out in town. There is not a lot to do in rural Utah on a Sunday. That afternoon and evening we also hung out with Alyssa's boyfriend. That night we went to my mom's house about 2 hours away from Alyssa. Alyssa's A parents wanted her to have time with them so the 4 days we were in town after 18 years of being apart we had to let her have a day with them. It made me feel selfish for wanting all 4 days with her, to get to know my daughter in person. She spent most of Monday with her boyfriend if I remember right, but I guess as long as she wasn't with her natural family it was okay. I was glad my parents house wasn't too close to my daughters A parents house. It made it so I wouldn't try to visit my daughter when I wasn't welcomed too.
On Tuesday we went back down to see Alyssa. We spent the day with just the 6 of us hanging out most of the time. We had so much fun just goofing off and being totally silly. I couldn't believe how much all 4 kids were alike. Well my oldest son Alex is definitely the quiet one of the group. He is my thinker, always thinks about what he is going to say and what he is going to do. Of the 4 kids if you had to guess which one was raised by different parents you would guess him. The other 3 kids have such similar personality, it is pretty interesting.
Than we had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry in front of my kids. Every time we got in the car (we took 2 cars since each only fit 5 people) I started to cry. I just let my emotions out for a minute. I didn't want to say good bye again. What if we never saw each other again? What if Alyssa really didn't want me now? What if she rejected me? I felt as if I deserved to be abandoned by her after all I allowed her to be adopted. We said goodbye at a Costco parking lot, no tears, or as little as possible. I had to be brave for all 4 kids. I'm not that brave or strong, but I did hold it together as best as I could.
As we got to the airport I got a text from my daughter that she wanted me to come back. Her boyfriend had broken up with her and she needed me. Damn it!!! Seriously of all days to break up with her that day had to be the worst. I couldn't change my plane ticket either. I felt like such a horrible mother. I abandoned my baby girl again when she needed me so badly. Her boyfriend was supposed to come out to the Bay Area with her over Spring Break to visit me. So now that changed her plans of seeing me in about 6 weeks for about a week. I promised her she could still come out to my area for Spring Break even without him. Next was to make those weeks fly by so we can have a week together.
I did cry alot over the next few weeks. It is so hard to be 800 miles away from my daughter but we did text all the time. It helped to make the time pass faster.
The night before I was talking with my Aunt Kay about Alyssa and us meeting. My aunt, who is closer in age to Alyssa's A parents than to me, was saying how hard it must be on her A parents to have me in Alyssa's life. After all they adopted her. They have raised her for 18 years. They are her "real" parents. I tried to tell my aunt this is about Alyssa knowing both families, knowing her heritage, knowing her biology. There is a connection that only I can give Alyssa. There are questions only I can answer for Alyssa. These are things her A parents can't give her.
I find it so interesting that as a natural mom I was supposed to do what was best for my daughter. If I truly loved her I would give her 2 parents. I would give her the stability of a stay at home mom. I would give her the stability of well-off parents. But it doesn't work that way for adoptive parents. It seems that adoption is more about ownership. My daughter's A parents didn't give her their blessing and support to have a relationship with me. All research shows that it is best for adopted children to have relationships with there natural parents. I have never been to jail, done an illegal drug in my life, I haven't even had a speeding ticket but I am dangerous to my daughter? The worst thing about me is I am liberal when it comes to politics. I know that is scary bad, right. I understand they love our daughter and want to protect her, but from who? How I see it, if they haven't formed a bond and connection with her after 18 years than it has nothing to do with me. My daughter and her natural family having a relationship does not hurt her relationship with the parents that raised her.
During the morning Alyssa, her siblings, my husband, and I hung out in town. There is not a lot to do in rural Utah on a Sunday. That afternoon and evening we also hung out with Alyssa's boyfriend. That night we went to my mom's house about 2 hours away from Alyssa. Alyssa's A parents wanted her to have time with them so the 4 days we were in town after 18 years of being apart we had to let her have a day with them. It made me feel selfish for wanting all 4 days with her, to get to know my daughter in person. She spent most of Monday with her boyfriend if I remember right, but I guess as long as she wasn't with her natural family it was okay. I was glad my parents house wasn't too close to my daughters A parents house. It made it so I wouldn't try to visit my daughter when I wasn't welcomed too.
On Tuesday we went back down to see Alyssa. We spent the day with just the 6 of us hanging out most of the time. We had so much fun just goofing off and being totally silly. I couldn't believe how much all 4 kids were alike. Well my oldest son Alex is definitely the quiet one of the group. He is my thinker, always thinks about what he is going to say and what he is going to do. Of the 4 kids if you had to guess which one was raised by different parents you would guess him. The other 3 kids have such similar personality, it is pretty interesting.
Than we had to say goodbye. I tried not to cry in front of my kids. Every time we got in the car (we took 2 cars since each only fit 5 people) I started to cry. I just let my emotions out for a minute. I didn't want to say good bye again. What if we never saw each other again? What if Alyssa really didn't want me now? What if she rejected me? I felt as if I deserved to be abandoned by her after all I allowed her to be adopted. We said goodbye at a Costco parking lot, no tears, or as little as possible. I had to be brave for all 4 kids. I'm not that brave or strong, but I did hold it together as best as I could.
As we got to the airport I got a text from my daughter that she wanted me to come back. Her boyfriend had broken up with her and she needed me. Damn it!!! Seriously of all days to break up with her that day had to be the worst. I couldn't change my plane ticket either. I felt like such a horrible mother. I abandoned my baby girl again when she needed me so badly. Her boyfriend was supposed to come out to the Bay Area with her over Spring Break to visit me. So now that changed her plans of seeing me in about 6 weeks for about a week. I promised her she could still come out to my area for Spring Break even without him. Next was to make those weeks fly by so we can have a week together.
I did cry alot over the next few weeks. It is so hard to be 800 miles away from my daughter but we did text all the time. It helped to make the time pass faster.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Adoption laws and ammended birth certificates
But can laws really change reality? Especially when documents are falsified and original birth certificates are forever sealed from the very party it pertains to? All FOR a price. Wouldn't it be more truthful to stop amending birth certificates all together? To make sure every American has a truthful unsealed birth certificate that accurately acknowledges TRUE parentage and heritage for each person born ~ that should be an unconditional right to every citizen. It seems like common sense. Laws should be passed to ensure this right.
So let's get into the nutty-gritty of adoption. Children are bought and paid for by well meaning adoptive parents. Yes I do understand most are infertile and just want a child. I can guarantee if they did not have enough money to pay for a child the agency would turn them down immediately. Adoption agencies do collect money and pay staffers, and some of them get paid very well. Laws are put in place to protect the adopters and the agency.
My daughter that I placed knows the amount her A parents paid for her. Seriously, I am not making this crap up. I have found out it isn't totally uncommon for a child to not only know how much they cost but have seen the cancelled check or receipt. Nothing like seeing your value in a piece of paper right? When my daughter told me how much they paid (I seriously never knew the amount until she told me) I told her was something like, "Shoot I didn't get any of that. All I got was saggy boobs and stretch marks." Okay so I was a bit shocked and I am a smart ass. Sorry about that one.
We do not have a certificate of adoption instead there is an amended birth certificate and the original birth certificate is sealed. Why do we change the OBC? Is it so adopters can pretend they are the ones that gave birth? Is it really to protect the life mom? I can guarantee no one told me my daughter's OBC would be sealed and changed. In fact I was told as soon as she turned 21 as long as I signed a paper saying she could have my information, all would be given to her. They did leave out the fact that it would cost her, though. You know adoption is about money after all. But this awesome, amazing, caring, adoption agency I worked with lost that paperwork. I found out when my daughter was almost 17 that they had no record of me ever signing it. Can you say pissed of life mom?
When I filled out paperwork at the same time asking for my daughters identifying info to be released to me at age of consent. I did not fill out the part that said "Why do you want this information". I received a call a few days later saying I did not fill it out properly and they need a reason for me wanting her information. My mind said "You want a reason, hell I'll give you a reason, how bout a foot up your @$$." But the good, sweet, calm me said, "well honey, because I am and always will be Alyssa's natural/life mom, please put down any answer that will allow me to have this information"
Honestly I had assumed there was an adoption certificate. Why wouldn't there be? Adoptive parents are adopting and the child has biological parents too. Okay so I was naive and 16 and obviously everything was not fully explained to me.
How many life moms are really told everything? Are we told that the OBC will be sealed and our child might never be able to get it unsealed even if it means that they die of a genetic disease. No of course not. I was not told that I would never be able to get my daughters OBC either. Hell, I found that nifty fact out when she was 16. I was never told that my daughter's first name would be changed. Who would change a person's first name, we aren't talking about a puppy but a human being. I understood the last name but the first name seriously?
Are we told that some adoptive kids would dream of having there natural mom and then wake up and we still aren't there? Are we told that our kids would want to be unadopted. My daughter has good solid adoptive parents. They aren't abusive in any way. They do love her unconditionally. That does not mean she doesn't want her natural mother.
There were things I wanted the PAP to have requirements of. Like I wanted them to have ties and involved in the community. The PAP's said in their letter they were very involved in the community. Well after reunion I showed my daughter the prospective birth mom letter they wrote. She laughed when she saw they wrote they were involved in the community. My daughter told me I don't remember them being involved in the community. I have a long list of not quite truths involved in what I had requested for Prospective adoptive parents and what the reality was, but that will be another blog.
When my daughter was about 16 I was very involved with adoption issues. I found out a lot of life moms were given copies of the papers they signed placing their children for adoption. I never got any copies that I remember. I kept everything from that time, though. I asked my mom thinking that she had them. She told me, "No we never got copies of that. You don't get copies of the signed paperwork placing your child for adoption." Well, I now find out that, that is a lie. I should have a copy of it, but it was never given to me. I know I should definitely feel grateful for adoption right?
Of course there is hurt and anger when you have been lied to and manipulated. I have been lied to about my child for 18 years. I know it is okay for rape victims and abuse victims to be hurt and angry. For some reason society doesn't see a reason life moms and adoptees should be angry or hurt. After all the life mom was able to get on with her life and the adoptee was no longer a bastard. Hmmm nice, thank you society for letting me know how I should feel.
So let's get into the nutty-gritty of adoption. Children are bought and paid for by well meaning adoptive parents. Yes I do understand most are infertile and just want a child. I can guarantee if they did not have enough money to pay for a child the agency would turn them down immediately. Adoption agencies do collect money and pay staffers, and some of them get paid very well. Laws are put in place to protect the adopters and the agency.
My daughter that I placed knows the amount her A parents paid for her. Seriously, I am not making this crap up. I have found out it isn't totally uncommon for a child to not only know how much they cost but have seen the cancelled check or receipt. Nothing like seeing your value in a piece of paper right? When my daughter told me how much they paid (I seriously never knew the amount until she told me) I told her was something like, "Shoot I didn't get any of that. All I got was saggy boobs and stretch marks." Okay so I was a bit shocked and I am a smart ass. Sorry about that one.
We do not have a certificate of adoption instead there is an amended birth certificate and the original birth certificate is sealed. Why do we change the OBC? Is it so adopters can pretend they are the ones that gave birth? Is it really to protect the life mom? I can guarantee no one told me my daughter's OBC would be sealed and changed. In fact I was told as soon as she turned 21 as long as I signed a paper saying she could have my information, all would be given to her. They did leave out the fact that it would cost her, though. You know adoption is about money after all. But this awesome, amazing, caring, adoption agency I worked with lost that paperwork. I found out when my daughter was almost 17 that they had no record of me ever signing it. Can you say pissed of life mom?
When I filled out paperwork at the same time asking for my daughters identifying info to be released to me at age of consent. I did not fill out the part that said "Why do you want this information". I received a call a few days later saying I did not fill it out properly and they need a reason for me wanting her information. My mind said "You want a reason, hell I'll give you a reason, how bout a foot up your @$$." But the good, sweet, calm me said, "well honey, because I am and always will be Alyssa's natural/life mom, please put down any answer that will allow me to have this information"
Honestly I had assumed there was an adoption certificate. Why wouldn't there be? Adoptive parents are adopting and the child has biological parents too. Okay so I was naive and 16 and obviously everything was not fully explained to me.
How many life moms are really told everything? Are we told that the OBC will be sealed and our child might never be able to get it unsealed even if it means that they die of a genetic disease. No of course not. I was not told that I would never be able to get my daughters OBC either. Hell, I found that nifty fact out when she was 16. I was never told that my daughter's first name would be changed. Who would change a person's first name, we aren't talking about a puppy but a human being. I understood the last name but the first name seriously?
Are we told that some adoptive kids would dream of having there natural mom and then wake up and we still aren't there? Are we told that our kids would want to be unadopted. My daughter has good solid adoptive parents. They aren't abusive in any way. They do love her unconditionally. That does not mean she doesn't want her natural mother.
There were things I wanted the PAP to have requirements of. Like I wanted them to have ties and involved in the community. The PAP's said in their letter they were very involved in the community. Well after reunion I showed my daughter the prospective birth mom letter they wrote. She laughed when she saw they wrote they were involved in the community. My daughter told me I don't remember them being involved in the community. I have a long list of not quite truths involved in what I had requested for Prospective adoptive parents and what the reality was, but that will be another blog.
When my daughter was about 16 I was very involved with adoption issues. I found out a lot of life moms were given copies of the papers they signed placing their children for adoption. I never got any copies that I remember. I kept everything from that time, though. I asked my mom thinking that she had them. She told me, "No we never got copies of that. You don't get copies of the signed paperwork placing your child for adoption." Well, I now find out that, that is a lie. I should have a copy of it, but it was never given to me. I know I should definitely feel grateful for adoption right?
Of course there is hurt and anger when you have been lied to and manipulated. I have been lied to about my child for 18 years. I know it is okay for rape victims and abuse victims to be hurt and angry. For some reason society doesn't see a reason life moms and adoptees should be angry or hurt. After all the life mom was able to get on with her life and the adoptee was no longer a bastard. Hmmm nice, thank you society for letting me know how I should feel.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
Reunion Day part 2
We did not have any problems with our plane, we arrived right on time but it seemed like it took forever to get our rental car and luggage. I was sure Alyssa would not show up. I was sure she didn't really want to meet me. We planned to be in Utah for 4 days but we only planned lunch with Alyssa on day 1. I wanted her to have as much space as she possibly needed.
We met at The Olive Garden, Alyssa chose the place. We arrived and she wasn't there yet. I was disappointed. We asked for a table for 7 just in case her and her boyfriend did show up. We sat down and waited a bit longer. They were probably only 15 minutes late but it seriously felt like hours. By this time I was ready to just cry. I figured she was afraid to tell me she backed out. I absolutely felt like damn, another disappointment with adoption.
And then I saw her. Jer saw her first, OMG my daughter was really here. She really wanted to see me. OMG OMG OMG!!!! I jumped up immediately, and a bus boy got in my path. Seriously, I had waited 17 years and 51 weeks and this guy is in my way. I'm usually patient but DAMN move out of my way or you might not live.
I went up and hugged her and she told me , "you can't cry". Okay my emotions are insane but I need to hold it together longer. I wouldn't allow her to see my cry if she couldn't handle it. After that I hugged her boyfriend and it looked to me as if his eyes were slightly teary. The lunch was such a blur. We were talking nonstop and just watching my baby girl, my oldest daughter. She looks so much like my sister laurel and me. She has toe thumbs just like me and our personalities are so similar. After we were finally done eating she decided she wanted to hang out longer. We went to her boyfriends house and hung out, went in the spa, and just talked until about 5 or 6. Alyssa's A parents wanted time with her on her birthday too. Okay I had to say good bye. I wasn't ready, I needed more time with her but I couldn't be selfish. She needed time with her other family too. I get a few hours only, I know I was so torn. I couldn't let anyone see me hurt or cry. I had to be brave as always. Put everyone's feelings in front of my own. I could tell she wasn't ready to say good bye either. A very selfish part of me was glad she wanted more time with us too.
I went to my aunts house to spend the night. My aunt only lives about 30 minutes away from my daughter. How crazy is that? We talked with my aunt for a while and tried to sleep. Alyssa had decided to see us the next day also. I couldn't believe she really wanted more time with our crazy family.
We met at The Olive Garden, Alyssa chose the place. We arrived and she wasn't there yet. I was disappointed. We asked for a table for 7 just in case her and her boyfriend did show up. We sat down and waited a bit longer. They were probably only 15 minutes late but it seriously felt like hours. By this time I was ready to just cry. I figured she was afraid to tell me she backed out. I absolutely felt like damn, another disappointment with adoption.
And then I saw her. Jer saw her first, OMG my daughter was really here. She really wanted to see me. OMG OMG OMG!!!! I jumped up immediately, and a bus boy got in my path. Seriously, I had waited 17 years and 51 weeks and this guy is in my way. I'm usually patient but DAMN move out of my way or you might not live.
I went up and hugged her and she told me , "you can't cry". Okay my emotions are insane but I need to hold it together longer. I wouldn't allow her to see my cry if she couldn't handle it. After that I hugged her boyfriend and it looked to me as if his eyes were slightly teary. The lunch was such a blur. We were talking nonstop and just watching my baby girl, my oldest daughter. She looks so much like my sister laurel and me. She has toe thumbs just like me and our personalities are so similar. After we were finally done eating she decided she wanted to hang out longer. We went to her boyfriends house and hung out, went in the spa, and just talked until about 5 or 6. Alyssa's A parents wanted time with her on her birthday too. Okay I had to say good bye. I wasn't ready, I needed more time with her but I couldn't be selfish. She needed time with her other family too. I get a few hours only, I know I was so torn. I couldn't let anyone see me hurt or cry. I had to be brave as always. Put everyone's feelings in front of my own. I could tell she wasn't ready to say good bye either. A very selfish part of me was glad she wanted more time with us too.
I went to my aunts house to spend the night. My aunt only lives about 30 minutes away from my daughter. How crazy is that? We talked with my aunt for a while and tried to sleep. Alyssa had decided to see us the next day also. I couldn't believe she really wanted more time with our crazy family.
Alyssa and me - is there any similarities?
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| We were all a little camera happy |
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| My whole fanily finally together |
Both of my daughter's - my oldest and youngest children
Our first reunion - Alyssas 18th birthday part 1
I think it was in December that Alyssa hinted a few times that she wanted to meet for her 18th birthday. Her adoptive mom in the last letter she sent in June did tell me that our daughter was very fragile emotionally and couldn't handle meeting me, that it would interfere in her education in high school. As I got to know our daughter more I realized she wasn't this fragile weak person. She was wanting and needing emotional security but definitely not what I would consider fragile. She was funny and silly and we had so much in common. We just understood each other on a very deep level. There was definitely something we needed from each other. I need her in my life just as much as I need my raised kids, my husband, and the rest of my family.
I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel but I personally think Alyssa's adoptive mom was worried I would be the big bad "birth"mom (totally hate that word) and take "their rightful" daughter away. That is just personally how I feel. It might be right it might be wrong. I think it has to do a lot more with her A parents insecurities than it does with me as a person.
In January I asked Alyssa what she wanted for her birthday. She said all I want is to meet my real family. She wanted to see in person who she really comes from. Where her physical and personality traits come from. She wanted to see what her siblings looked like. What did they have in common. That had been denied to her for 18 years. 18 years seems to be cruel and unusual punishment in and of itself, especially for a person that did not ask to be born or to be adopted. How could I possibly say no to her? How could I keep the distance between us any longer? How can I deny my other raised children the same thing. For years all they have wanted was to see and get to know their sister.
We all wanted to no longer have to have all communication through an agency. To have every letter written looked over by a social worker, by Alyssa's adoptive parents, and later I found out by her school counselor too. To have our lives filtered through a dirty un-needed rose colored glasses, it is very unnatural and intrusive. I have always told my raised kids that when it was legal I would find their sister. I had been on adoption groups for several years. I needed to know what it was like to be an adoptee, the good the bad the ugly. I needed to know what it was like for the adopter. I also needed to know what it is like for a raised children knowing they have a sibling somewhere. I made sure myself and my raised kids were prepared for this meeting. I had hoped Alyssa's A parents had done the same for themselves and Alyssa too. Raising an adopted child is very different than raising your own biological child.
I honestly probably would have made up a reasonable excuse not to see Alyssa for her birthday if she wasn't pregnant. Like it was too expensive, it did cost $2000 for us to see her, but it's only money, right. I did ask her to let her A parents know we were coming out for her birthday. At this point Alyssa's A parents still had no contact with me by phone or email. I knew my daughter needed extra support since she was an unmarried pregnant teenager in high school and in a very conservative community.
I was sure she would be pressured into going to LDSFS. The LDSFS that I knew from 18 years ago was very good at telling you why someone else would be better at raising your own child than you would. They would point out all of the flaws you have at raising your OWN child. Baby brokers/adoption agencies never tells you that marriage and money are a very temporary things. I was single for less than 2 years after I had Alyssa. Now my husband and I make more than Alyssa's adoptive parents. Like I said money and marriage are very temporary. My sister that kept her child, who was an unmarried teen, did marry her daughters father and stayed married for almost 7 years. Well they divorced, she did finish highschool at 17, and she now owns her own business. Not too bad for a teenage mom with no future, huh? And I never once heard her kids say mom you should have placed us for adoption, we would both be better off.
Leading up to Alyssa's birthday my raised kids and myself were very nervous. I do not know Alyssa's true feelings about us meeting rather she was excited or nervous. I don't want to speak for her, she can definately do that on her own. My husband was a great support through all of this. He is Alyss's step dad but treats her the same as our other children.
I was sure something would happen and the plane would crash or our flight would be cancelled. Or maybe we would get to Utah and Alyssa decide she wasn't ready yet. For 18 years laws got in the way of truly knowing my daughter. I just knew something would stop our trip. I did and still do feel incredibly guilty that my kids did not grow up all together. It is not normal or natural on any level.
Tomrrow I will continue writing about our first meeting.
I'm not saying this to be mean or cruel but I personally think Alyssa's adoptive mom was worried I would be the big bad "birth"mom (totally hate that word) and take "their rightful" daughter away. That is just personally how I feel. It might be right it might be wrong. I think it has to do a lot more with her A parents insecurities than it does with me as a person.
In January I asked Alyssa what she wanted for her birthday. She said all I want is to meet my real family. She wanted to see in person who she really comes from. Where her physical and personality traits come from. She wanted to see what her siblings looked like. What did they have in common. That had been denied to her for 18 years. 18 years seems to be cruel and unusual punishment in and of itself, especially for a person that did not ask to be born or to be adopted. How could I possibly say no to her? How could I keep the distance between us any longer? How can I deny my other raised children the same thing. For years all they have wanted was to see and get to know their sister.
We all wanted to no longer have to have all communication through an agency. To have every letter written looked over by a social worker, by Alyssa's adoptive parents, and later I found out by her school counselor too. To have our lives filtered through a dirty un-needed rose colored glasses, it is very unnatural and intrusive. I have always told my raised kids that when it was legal I would find their sister. I had been on adoption groups for several years. I needed to know what it was like to be an adoptee, the good the bad the ugly. I needed to know what it was like for the adopter. I also needed to know what it is like for a raised children knowing they have a sibling somewhere. I made sure myself and my raised kids were prepared for this meeting. I had hoped Alyssa's A parents had done the same for themselves and Alyssa too. Raising an adopted child is very different than raising your own biological child.
I honestly probably would have made up a reasonable excuse not to see Alyssa for her birthday if she wasn't pregnant. Like it was too expensive, it did cost $2000 for us to see her, but it's only money, right. I did ask her to let her A parents know we were coming out for her birthday. At this point Alyssa's A parents still had no contact with me by phone or email. I knew my daughter needed extra support since she was an unmarried pregnant teenager in high school and in a very conservative community.
I was sure she would be pressured into going to LDSFS. The LDSFS that I knew from 18 years ago was very good at telling you why someone else would be better at raising your own child than you would. They would point out all of the flaws you have at raising your OWN child. Baby brokers/adoption agencies never tells you that marriage and money are a very temporary things. I was single for less than 2 years after I had Alyssa. Now my husband and I make more than Alyssa's adoptive parents. Like I said money and marriage are very temporary. My sister that kept her child, who was an unmarried teen, did marry her daughters father and stayed married for almost 7 years. Well they divorced, she did finish highschool at 17, and she now owns her own business. Not too bad for a teenage mom with no future, huh? And I never once heard her kids say mom you should have placed us for adoption, we would both be better off.
Leading up to Alyssa's birthday my raised kids and myself were very nervous. I do not know Alyssa's true feelings about us meeting rather she was excited or nervous. I don't want to speak for her, she can definately do that on her own. My husband was a great support through all of this. He is Alyss's step dad but treats her the same as our other children.
I was sure something would happen and the plane would crash or our flight would be cancelled. Or maybe we would get to Utah and Alyssa decide she wasn't ready yet. For 18 years laws got in the way of truly knowing my daughter. I just knew something would stop our trip. I did and still do feel incredibly guilty that my kids did not grow up all together. It is not normal or natural on any level.
Tomrrow I will continue writing about our first meeting.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Thoughts wandering
I know it has been a while since I posted. For some reason I get busy with the 3 kids I am raising and talking/texting with my oldest daughter daily plus work and scouts and all of the fun stuff in life.
Sometimes I feel so abnormal being a "birthmom". I know how society sees us. When you are pregnant you are looked on as an angel that is giving a couple a great gift. Then after you have the child and place you are considered the devil. I have often heard "How could you do that? Didn't you love your daughter? Shouldn't you just get over the adoption? Well atleast you can get on with your life now." Seriously you do not just get on with your life. You might cover up your feelings but you never get on with your life. Adoption just doesn't touch your life it runs over your like a Mac truck.
I did the whole counseling thing with LDSFS, I did do the birthmom groups too, I was in one of the first birthmom groups started in the Bay Area by LDSFS. My counselor was 25 unmarried and never had kids. I went to her a bout 3 times times a week for about 4 months, then weekly for the first year to year and a half, and then sporadically after that. I can tell you I get alot more with other birthmoms that have gone through this experience 18 to 50 years out from adoption. They understand, they get it. They understand that you don't get on with your life, you don't forget, there is still hurt, pain, anger, and it is okay. No one expects or dreams of being a birthmom as a little girl.
Even years after reunion there is still self doubt. I was reading on line about a birthmom that is 16 years into reunion and she is just getting to the point in her relationship with her biological son that she doesn't feel like he is going to cut off all communication. I get that totally. I still expect Alyssa to cut off total communication everyday, I am surprised every time she calls even though she calls daily and sometimes several times a day. I have asked her if she ever wants to cut off the relationship with me that she keeps the communication with her sibling. I can deal with the rejection of adoption but I don't think they can. She always says "yeah right mom like I am really going to cut off communication now that we found each other." I think we were definitely separated too long.
I was just reading on one of my birthmom forums and a lifemom of 18 years posted this "Yes, it does get easier in time, but it never truly goes away. It gets put on the back burner, and certain things (certain songs, poems, pregnant women, whatever) can trigger 'episodes.'
I myself have three kids, ages 15, 7, and 4. They help fill the gap, but they can never replace the baby I lost, as you seem to know already"
My goal before I die is to change adoption laws. Why do we allow woman to sign life altering paperwork 24 hours after giving birth? Woman should not be allowed to sign it until at least 7 days after and there needs to be a waiting period to change your mind. I know alot of people won't agree because they say woman have had 9 months to decide. Really? They have held that child for 9 months? No they carried that child for 9 months never holding and seeing there own child. Your emotions and feelings totally change after you give birth and have held your own child for the first time. What does it hurt to give a woman time to decide if the best thing for their child is to place it for adoption?
Why can't an adult get their original birth certificate if they are adopted? Why doesn't adoption agencies tell birth parents that not only will the child have a very hard time getting their OBC (original birth certificate) but so will the birth parents? I didn't find out until Alyssa was 15 that I couldn't get her OBC. I find it very interesting that Native Americans have more rights than any other American when it comes to adoption rights. Why can we not all have the same rights when it comes to adoption?
Baby's go through such a traumatic experience being adopted. They know who their mother is by scent, by their voice, by their heartbeat. Just because they can not talk does not mean they do not feel. Their is an attachment disorder that a lot but not all adoptees have. I know society does not like to acknowledge it because then adoption wouldn't be looked upon as such a great thing and our laws would need to be changed to acknowledge the loss a child goes through. It is not just foster kids but normal adoptees that come from a good birthmom and are raised by exceptional people. It has nothing to do with the parenting but the basic primal wound of being taken away from their mother.
Sometimes I feel so abnormal being a "birthmom". I know how society sees us. When you are pregnant you are looked on as an angel that is giving a couple a great gift. Then after you have the child and place you are considered the devil. I have often heard "How could you do that? Didn't you love your daughter? Shouldn't you just get over the adoption? Well atleast you can get on with your life now." Seriously you do not just get on with your life. You might cover up your feelings but you never get on with your life. Adoption just doesn't touch your life it runs over your like a Mac truck.
I did the whole counseling thing with LDSFS, I did do the birthmom groups too, I was in one of the first birthmom groups started in the Bay Area by LDSFS. My counselor was 25 unmarried and never had kids. I went to her a bout 3 times times a week for about 4 months, then weekly for the first year to year and a half, and then sporadically after that. I can tell you I get alot more with other birthmoms that have gone through this experience 18 to 50 years out from adoption. They understand, they get it. They understand that you don't get on with your life, you don't forget, there is still hurt, pain, anger, and it is okay. No one expects or dreams of being a birthmom as a little girl.
Even years after reunion there is still self doubt. I was reading on line about a birthmom that is 16 years into reunion and she is just getting to the point in her relationship with her biological son that she doesn't feel like he is going to cut off all communication. I get that totally. I still expect Alyssa to cut off total communication everyday, I am surprised every time she calls even though she calls daily and sometimes several times a day. I have asked her if she ever wants to cut off the relationship with me that she keeps the communication with her sibling. I can deal with the rejection of adoption but I don't think they can. She always says "yeah right mom like I am really going to cut off communication now that we found each other." I think we were definitely separated too long.
I was just reading on one of my birthmom forums and a lifemom of 18 years posted this "Yes, it does get easier in time, but it never truly goes away. It gets put on the back burner, and certain things (certain songs, poems, pregnant women, whatever) can trigger 'episodes.'
I myself have three kids, ages 15, 7, and 4. They help fill the gap, but they can never replace the baby I lost, as you seem to know already"
My goal before I die is to change adoption laws. Why do we allow woman to sign life altering paperwork 24 hours after giving birth? Woman should not be allowed to sign it until at least 7 days after and there needs to be a waiting period to change your mind. I know alot of people won't agree because they say woman have had 9 months to decide. Really? They have held that child for 9 months? No they carried that child for 9 months never holding and seeing there own child. Your emotions and feelings totally change after you give birth and have held your own child for the first time. What does it hurt to give a woman time to decide if the best thing for their child is to place it for adoption?
Why can't an adult get their original birth certificate if they are adopted? Why doesn't adoption agencies tell birth parents that not only will the child have a very hard time getting their OBC (original birth certificate) but so will the birth parents? I didn't find out until Alyssa was 15 that I couldn't get her OBC. I find it very interesting that Native Americans have more rights than any other American when it comes to adoption rights. Why can we not all have the same rights when it comes to adoption?
Baby's go through such a traumatic experience being adopted. They know who their mother is by scent, by their voice, by their heartbeat. Just because they can not talk does not mean they do not feel. Their is an attachment disorder that a lot but not all adoptees have. I know society does not like to acknowledge it because then adoption wouldn't be looked upon as such a great thing and our laws would need to be changed to acknowledge the loss a child goes through. It is not just foster kids but normal adoptees that come from a good birthmom and are raised by exceptional people. It has nothing to do with the parenting but the basic primal wound of being taken away from their mother.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Owen is 2 months old
Wow my little Owen I can't believe you are 2 months old already. How did these months past by so fast? Your momma Kara sends me pictures atleast once a week of you. You are starting to fill out and it looks like you are getting some personality too. I miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again. I am hoping we might come out in February. I have been thinking of you and your momma nonstop today. I even talked to your mom twice on the phone today. I love you so much little one. You are so very loved and wanted by so many.
Love always,
Grandma Nettie
Love always,
Grandma Nettie
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