November 3 - Saying good bye to Owen

Over the last 18 years I have held my emotions together very well.  I have able to have a 17 year marriage, I have been raising 3 amazing kids.  And I am over half way through with Alex teenage years without any problems from him.  We will see what the other 2 kids bring me.  I have been a stay at home mom and have also worked full time during different times of my children's lives.  I have volunteered and continue to volunteer at my kids school even though I  work full time.    I have maintained long term friendships.  I have been relief society secretary at my church while also being a den leader and helping my husband do his cub master duties.  I am the person that everyone comes to with their problems, I should have been a counselor.

I had closed off my heart and the heart ache of adoption.  Even my husband rarely saw me cry about it.  That is what you are supposed to do right?  You are supposed to show the world you are healthy, happy, and you have moved on.  As Alyssa and I reunited my emotions slowly came out.  I couldn't cover up the wounds in my heart and fully let her in. 

When Alyssa had Owen on Wednesday the 28th I stayed at the hospital until she was moved out of L&D room and into the recovery room.  When I got back to my mom's house that night I broke and I broke hard.  I couldn't fall asleep until almost 2am.  This was after sleeping only about an hour the night before and driving from California to Utah.  I only slept until about 6am.  I knew what my oldest was going through and it killed part of my heart all over again.  Alyssa told me she wanted her 48 hours to be with Owen as much as possible.  She wanted to be his mom and not see any other woman try to take her place

She only had 48 hours before she had to sign the relinquishment papers.  Only 48 hours to be Owens mom and she didn't want to be bothered with too many people. Alyssa told me that she is only allowing certain people to see her and everyone is only allowed 1 hour.  My time period was 11am to noon.  My husband and I got there right on time and I got to hold Owen for the first time.  Owen was the tiniest baby I had held and he had a bunch of tubes and machines monitoring him.  I sat and talked with my daughter.  We connected like we never have.  I knew exactly what she was feeling, scared, heartache, fear, and loss.  She hated the hats they had at the hospital for Owen so I offered to find a preemie hat that would fit his tiny head. 

It took almost 2 hours to find 2 hats that were preemie sized.  I brought them back to her and had my husband wait in the waiting area.  I didn't want to interrupt her alone time with her son.  When I pulled back the curtain of the area she was sitting at in the NICU Alyssa was holding her son and crying.  While I was gone Alyssa's Amom and the social worker came to talk to Alyssa.  I guess they upset her and she yelled at both of them to leave.  It wasn't the time they were allowed to be there by her schedule.

I held my daughter and let her cry.  I tried to be strong for her, but I couldn't watch her cry and hold her son and not cry also.  After a little while Alyssa needed to go back to her room and she asked me to leave.   I kissed my girl good bye.  I knew this was the last time I would see her be just a mom not a natural mom. 

We text each other a few times that night and asked me not to come by on Friday.   She knew she would be released from the hospital on Friday and she also had to sign the  papers.   Thursday night I went for a long walk with my husband at my mom's house.  I think we walked for about 4 miles.  It calmed me enough so I could be there for my other kids too. While I was out walking my dad sent me a text saying how much he loved and cared about me.  Soon as I got back to his house I told him I wasn't sure if I should hug him or hit him.  I had almost calmed down when he sent that and it got me crying again.  I fell asleep around 2 am again.  I woke up by 6am but didn't sleep well at all. 

Friday I stayed around the Logan area.  My aunt was selling her house and my mom wanted me to say hi to her.  What better time to make small talk with my aunt who I usually only see once a year then when I am losing my grandson to adoption.  But you know what natural mom's are used to doing?  Putting our heart ache aside and making other people comfortable.  That is exactly what I did for two hours, just make small talk. 

We spent the rest of the day in town and I cried several times on both of my parents shoulders.   They hadn't seen me cry like this since I placed Alyssa.  I told them how angry I was with adoption, how I hated it, how unfair it was to all of my kids, and how I hated how unfair Utah's adoption laws were.

I had been texting Alyssa all day and she wasn't responding.  I was scared and worried about her.    I had told her to get a signed agreement for adoption that both LDSFS social worker signed and both A parents sign.  She had turned off her phone and didn't see my text until that night. She finally responded and let me know she was going on a mini trip the next day to Southern California for a week with her boyfriend.  She couldn't deal with even being in the same state while her baby was in the NICU, and she had signed away her rights.  So she did the only thing she could do, she ran.  Ran away from the heartache.

Owen's Amom sent me a message on face book letting me know what my daughter was doing the next day.  Again I fell asleep in the wee hours and woke a few hours later.  My heart was crushed when I woke up.  I couldn't bear crying on anyone elses shoulders.  I didn't want anyone feeling sorry for me.  I was angry, sad, and just hurt.  The wound that I had taken 18 years to slowly close up reopened with a vengeance.  I quickly got ready for the day and left my parents house out the back door without telling anyone I was going for a walk.  I just needed to be alone.  I needed to just cry but I was hoping a walk would clear my mind.  I had left around 7:30am and about 8:30 I sent my husband a text saying I'm on a walk leave me alone.  I walked about another 30 minutes when I sent him another text.  I told him I just couldn't tell my parents good bye.  I asked him to get the kids ready and just pick me up.  We had to leave for California, there was nothing left in Utah for me. 

Around 9:30 or 10:30 and walking 6 or more miles Jeremy picked me up.  Walking always clears my mind but it did nothing for me this time.

We started driving and Jer asked if i wanted to see Owen if that would help.  I had Owen's Amom phone number but I couldn't call her.  I didn't want to hear that I couldn't see Owen.  Jer made the phone call and left a message.  A little while later his Amom called back.  She would allow Jer and I to see Owen.

We went to see him around 12:30 or 1:00.  I told Owen that I loved him.  His Amom told me Owen could call me grandma instead of auntie like she originally suggested  just 2 days previous.  She has said that the adoption will always stay open and Owen will know all of his family.

Seeing Owen helped a little but I hated saying good bye.  One more good bye that shouldn't happen.  One more woman that is able to parent but she isn't good enough to because of her marital status.  Why is it that we give needy couples babies?  Shouldn't adoptions be about needy babies needing families when all else fails with their natural families? 

It's very late and I  am tired I hope this all makes sense.

BTW - The above picture is the last time I had seen Owen in the hospital, when his Amom allowed us to say good bye.

Nov 2 - How I told my kept children about their older sister

When Alyssa was 9 I was still getting yearly letters from her A parents.  I had not told Alex, Kenny and Cassie who were 7, 5. and 3 that they had an older sister.  Honestly I was just scared.  I knew I had to tell them but how?  They deserved the truth.  I didn't want another day to go by that they didn't know about her.  I have never been ashamed of Alyssa.  But how do you tell your kids that you love unconditionally that you allowed total strangers to raise their sister.  I would never leave my children with strangers for even a few hours but I have allowed strangers to raise my daughter?  How do you even explain that?

I couldn't imagine my raised kids waiting until Alyssa was 21 and then tell them about her, either. I wanted them to know that I wouldn't lie to them about anything. I am not that good at keeping secrets and neither is my family.   I wanted them to hear the truth from me and no one else. So I sat them down on my bed and I was terrified. No one ever told me when or how to tell my other kids.   I was even told by my counselor the only one that really needs to know is my doctor. Hmmm my kids and husband don't really need to know?  But the agency was an advocate of keeping the adoption even from my siblings.

Since they were so little I had to tell them on their level. I sat down with them and told them I needed talk to them about something very important. They can ask any questions they wanted to. I had to stay strong and not cry in front of them. I didn't want to scare them. I told them when I was about 16 years old I had a baby girl named Alyssa, that is now 9 years old. She lives with another family. I then asked if they wanted to see the pictures I had from her. I have a bunch of pictures from when she was born and I got a couple dozen pictures until she was about 4ish but after that all of the pictures stopped.  I told them they could look at the photo album as long as they wanted and whenever they wanted.

There weren't many questions that night, but there has been alot as they have got older. I have always tried to be strong in front of them and only give them the positive aspects of adoption. I didn't need to put my spin on it. They needed to make their own decisions without my opinions.

When Alyssa hit 12 and we didn't get a letter from her or her parents and my raised kids wondered why, I had no answers for them. As her 13th and 14th birthday passed and we didn't get anything I was at a loss to explain it. I honestly knew something was wrong with Alyssa from the time she hit 13, I just didn't know how to tell anyone. How can you say, My daughter that I haven't seen since she was a week old I feel like something is wrong with her. Hmmm, it sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. But as her natural mom I just felt like something wasn't right.

Once Alyssa hit 15 we started exchanging letters. It was at this point as we got to know her through non-identifying information in letters. Alot more questions came from my other kids. For a while we exchanged letters every few months and then she asked if we could exchange letters weekly. After abandoning my daughter to strangers how could I tell her no? Plus I really wanted as much contact as possible.

My raised kids had questions I couldn't answer that started me questioning closed adoption. They wondered what they had done so wrong that they couldn't have contact with their sister. What was her new name that her Aparents changed it to. What were her Aparents name? How did I know that their sister was really safe and happy? Sometimes they just cried themselves to sleep in my arms because they just wanted to meet her, talk with her on the phone, and just have a normal relationship. How many 10, 12, and 14 year olds do you know that cry them selves to sleep just because they want their family complete? They are the innocent victims in adoption.

I still wonder why no one ever told me how adoption could affect my future chidren.

November 1

Let me tell you what I think should change in adoptions. We do have good and bad in adoption. First of all adoption is a billion dollar industry, we have to understand that. Agencies need to bring in "babies" to sell to their clients. Yes agencies are involved with buying and selling babies. We can use nicer language, adoption appropriate language but when you give money and get something in return you are buying and selling. For the most part birth parents get no money or compensation for the loss of their child but that doesn't stop agencies from selling babies for up to $30,000. Agencies have to make sure the clients feel as if they are getting a guaranteed product. So how do agencies bring in babies?

Let me tell you how LDSFS works. They are connected to the LDS church. So at church we are told that if a woman is unmarried and can not marry the father than the woman should place her child for adoption. It is the right, loving thing to do. Now if a woman is a widow and is pregnant than she should keep her baby. If a woman gets divorced she should keep her baby. They are both still single moms. She is still raising a child by herself. But the woman who has had sex outside of marriage should be punished. What better punishment than placing your child for adoption. Let's rip part of the woman's soul out. That seems fair punishment for premarital sex and being fertile.

So let me go back. When a woman finds herself pregnant out of wedlock she is urged by her parents and bishop to at least go talk to the counselors at LDSFS. What could it hurt to look into all of the options for yourself. As long as you don't look into the option of abortion, that is. So you walk into LDSFS and see a counselor, usually someone with a psychology degree. They understand that you are scared and vulnerable, they understand how to use that against you. They start talking very friendly and asking questions, get to know you, try to become your friend, try to guide you to the right path. They tell you to just look at couples. They ask you what you can provide for your child and compare that to an older married couple. The counselor refers to you as a birth mother, not a mother. Really good psychology, if you call a woman a birth mother long enough she will think of herself as one. Next the counselor tells you if you really love your child you will do the right thing. The only honorable thing, give your baby a family, a mom and a dad. Wow, didn't it take 2 people to create that child, a mom and a dad? So you aren't giving a child a mom and dad they already have that. What you are doing is ripping apart one family to create another family.

Not once will they tell you about how you can raise the child by yourself. They will give you half of the statistics of adoption. They won't tell you that adoptees have a higher suicide rate. They won't tell you that adoptees have abandonment issue, even wet from the womb adoptees. Agencies never tell you that 2% of the US is adopted but up to 80% of the kids in reform boarding schools are adoptees. Agencies also don't tell you that 20% to 40% of women that place their children do not have other children. That just the act of placing your child for adoption can cause you to become infertile, unexplained infertility. The mind works in crazy ways.

Now lets get into the laws. Who writes the laws and speak for the triad? Adoptive parents and adoption agencies. We are told the laws are put in place to protect the birth mothers. Protect the birth mothers from their own flesh and blood? If you look at the states that have open records less than 1% of birth mothers put in a "do not contact waiver". So the laws aren't protecting the more than 99% of us but the less than 1%. If any birth mother does not want contact she can either sign a waiver to not have contact or tell her own child in person that she is not ready for contact at this time. We are talking about 2 adults. Are the laws really about the mother and child or more about protecting the adoptive parent? After all the adoptive parents are the one that paid for the child and the child was supposed to be "as if born to". If the child is as if born to they shouldn't be looking for their natural parents, ever.

Immediately after my daughter signed away her parental rights she asked the LDSFS worker when can she get Owen's original birth certificate? After all the adoption isn't final for at least 6 months. The worker told Alyssa that oh yeah, most birth mothers ask for the OBC after they sign but you can only get the OBC before you sign the papers. Even better my social worker never even told me I couldn't get my daughters OBC. If the social worker knows that natural mothers might want a copy of the OBC why doesn't she tell natural mothers the process before they sign away their rights?
Next every person has a right to their OBC, there should be an adoption certificate not an amended falsified birth certificate.

No parent should sign away their parental rights while their child is still in the hospital. Every natural mother should have at least 1 full day without pressure or visits from agencies or PAP to place their child. Every natural mother needs time to be with their child alone. I think woman need at least 10 days after birth before they are allowed to sign away their rights and they should be able to have a waiting period after they sign before there rights are fully taken away.

Every woman has a right and should be encouraged to breastfeed her child in the hospital. Yes it should be encouraged even. Isn't the best thing for every child to be breastfed? Aren't we told and encouraged as women to breastfeed? The excuse is always that the natural mother will bond too much with her child. Can a woman really bond any more with her child than carrying her child for 9 months and giving birth?

Halloween

So I decided to post daily for the month of November.  I figure with it being Adoption Month it would be the only time of the year we natural moms will really have a voice.  We need to come together and speak out against coerced and forced adoptions.  We need to protect families, and yes even a mother and child are a family.

First I have to say that Owen turned 3 months on Thursday.  I know my daughter wasn't able to see Owen on his 3 month birthday but she will be seeing him this week.  I still have a hard time knowing what to say to Alyssa now that she is a natural mom too.  I wanted to call her up Thursday so bad to talk to her.  I wanted her to know that she isn't the only one who remembered and cared.  I wanted her to know that his natural grandma remembered him too.  I also knew that if I mentioned him turning 3 months that it could bring her emotions to the surface and she might start crying.  Since we are 800 miles apart I couldn't just hold her and let her cry.  I didn't want to set her off with no one to lean on either.  So what did I do?  Nothing, I didn't mention it at all.  I wish I could do more to help her.  But what I really wish is that she didn't know this pain and heartache.
 
Losing a child is not something you ever get over, no other child will ever replace the one you lost to the machine of adoption.  Every pregnancy you will think back to your first.  Every newborn you hold will make you think of your first child.  It will be hard to open your heart up fully to your husband, family, friends, and future kids.  You will become super mom to your future kids to try to make up placing your first child.  You will try to give your other kids everything you couldn't give to your first.  You will try to prove to everyone, but especially yourself, that you would have been a great parent if just given the chance.

Adoption facts - foster care/international/domestic

Facts I've taken from another blog post:


2% of U.S. children are adopted. About 127,000 adoptions take place each year and about 127,000 children are waiting in foster care to be adopted, however, only 15% of U.S. adoptions are through foster care. 50% of children in foster care available for adoption wait over a year; 6% wait 3-4 years.

HOWEVER

Only about 26% of non-step-parent adoptions are through foster care.....About 74% of non-step-parent adoptions are private domestic or international. 11-24% of infertile couples will seek adoption and 80% of Adoptive Parents have adopted due to infertility. 43% of all U.S. adoptions are private/domestic infant and international adoption by parents who are not-related to the family of origin (42% of all U.S. adoptions are stepparent adoptions). 90% of children adopted internationally are under the age of five.........

Only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions is able to be met each year, despite the amount of children waiting in foster care, because there are not enough of the type of children wanted for adoption (babies?) available to to be adopted.

So you tell me, whose needs does adoption really meet?

According to the Adoption Institute: "A variety of factors, including increased access to contraception, the legalization of abortion and changed social attitudes about unmarried parenting, have caused the number of white infants placed for adoption in the U.S. to decline dramatically. Between 1989 and 1995, 1.7 percent of children born to never-married white women were placed for adoption, compared to 19.3 percent before 1973. Among never-married black women, relinquishment rates have ranged from .2 percent to 1.5 percent."

So when only 1.2% of the demand for adoptions in the U.S. each year can be filled because the type of children people want are not available, children in the private realm costing "donations" of an upward of $20,000 (source) PER child, and top adoption agency execs are making six figures (source, source)..... please explain to me how manipulative and misleading practices are no longer in existance in this day and age and how agencies who like to give their execs cushy salaries don't have a self-interest in being over-encouraging (to use a nice term) to a woman considered adoption, simply because they'll make money off of the fees an Adoptive Family is willing to pay.
I find it interesting that adoption in its current form is so heavily defended by claims that it provides homes for abused children and needy orphans....when clearly it isn't the "abused children and orphans" who are being sought out to be adopted when only 1.2% of the adoption demand is being filled despite thousands still languishing in foster care--26% of which are actually adopted.  What do the abused children have to do with anything when you're proof reading the "Dear Birthmother/incubator" letter you're planning on presenting to a pregnant woman?

“Regrettably, in many cases, the emphasis has changed from the desire to provide a needy child with a home, to that of providing a needy parent with a child. As a result, a whole industry has grown, generating millions of dollars of revenues each year . . .”   --United Nations, Commission on Human Rights, 2003.

References:

http://www.adoptioninstitute.org/FactOverview.html

I'm Legit

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZbKNJUyGQ0

I found the following information about this song:

The song 'I,m Legit' has been written to raise awareness about the
situation of closed birth records in the U.S. What I mean is the lack
of rights that an adult adopted person has to have access to their own
original birth certificate.

Both Darryl and I are adopted.I was adopted in the U.K where the
records were opened in 1976,which meant that I could gain access to my
original birth certficate and find out my birthmothers name.
Darryl does not have that right in fact their are only eight states
that allow access, including Alabama, Alaska, Delaware, Kansas, New
Hampshire, Oregon, Tennessee and, most recently, Maine.
In NJersey people have been trying for 29 years to change the
law,Adopted people who just want to know their birth name find out
family history,medical history.

The laws here stop adopted people getting this information stating they
are protecting the birthmothers,protecting their privacy and yet
birthmothers were never ever told that they would be protected nor did
most want to be. In fact 93% of birthmothers are happy to be reunited.
These mothers said they waited and mourned for the loss of their
children,many feeling pressured by either their families or society
that they were being selfish to keep their babies that their babies
would have a better life with two parents.

Adoption is a complex issue with all members of the triad dealing with
their own loss and grief.

Adopted people have the right to know where they come from,and it is a
genuine need to know.
Most people know their history,most people know their birth family's
name ,most people can look in the mirror and see who they look like.
Most people know about family diseases,and can fill out those forms in
the doctors office.

As an adopted person having children the need to know more about my
genetic family became overwhelming ,I had met my birthmother many years
previously,but as for finding my birthfather I have not been so lucky.
I still look on the streets for him,imagining what he looks like and
wondering not just about him but his relatives his parents his
children.

I know what it feels like to not know,I know what its like to grow up
looking for my birthmother on the street wondering why did she give me
up? what was my story?
This did not mean I didn't love my adopted parents that I wasn't
gratefull because I did love them and I was gratefull that they took me
out of foster care and gave me a loving home.
This is about searching for my truth for my rights as a human being so
that I may stand in the world like other people and tell you my name.
Adopted people have rights,we need to know our truth to help us live a
productive life.

visit

My oldest daughter and her boyfriend just came out to the Bay Area from Utah.  We got to spend 3 days together.  We don't always talk about things that are deep but we just enjoy each other.  We are building a relationship that is really honest.  We have been making up for years of being separated.  While Alyssa was down we were just talking in my room and her boyfriend commented on how much we are alike in our personalities.  I commented back of course we are a lot alike she is my daughter and you don't get just your looks from your biological parents but also your personality too. It is interesting that still in 2010 there are so many myths about adoption. 

It was awesome to see Alyssa again, but the pain of her leaving has hit me hard.  Whenever we say good bye it feels like the first time I signed the papers.  I just hit this overwhelming low.  I know we are going to see each other again within a few months but it still hurts.  I miss her so much and I hate the separation.  I hate not seeing her at least once a week.  It is going to be another year where I don't have all 4 of my kids, and of course my first grandson, with me for the holidays.  I know I am only the biological mom and I shouldn't want the holidays with all 4 of my kids, but I do anyways.

It's weird when Alyssa is at my house I sleep so much better.  I have all 4 of my kids home and I know they are safe. I guess I just have such a sense of peace.  Alyssa helps Cassie with her make up in the morning, it is so cute.  Of course my boys try to be quiet at 6am and not wake Alyssa up, but they do anyways. I miss not getting ready in the morning together.  Alyssa and I trading clothes,  talking, and all of the shopping too.  We both have our morning Diet Cokes which I find amusing since most of the world has a morning coffee.

The one major downer was we found out exactly why Alyssa's biological father is in jail.  That really sucked, I won't put it on my blog, only my daughter has that right to tell people when she is ready.  I really wished I would have made better decisions about who I slept with when I was 15 and 16 years old.

We are talking about the next time she visits we are going to work on getting her non-identifying information, identifying information from the agency, and try to start the process to get her OBC opened.  We both feel that those things are her right to have and it's time that they are released to her.  I don't understand why it takes so long to get the non-id.  When I received her non id from the agency it took about 6 months from the request til I had it in my hands.  How hard is it to fax or even mail 10 pieces of paper? It's crazy, I can get my tax refund back in 3 weeks from the IRS but from LDSFS they take 6 months to get non-id information.   I would think IRS is a lot busier and have alot more red tape than LDSFS.