Nov 2 - How I told my kept children about their older sister

When Alyssa was 9 I was still getting yearly letters from her A parents.  I had not told Alex, Kenny and Cassie who were 7, 5. and 3 that they had an older sister.  Honestly I was just scared.  I knew I had to tell them but how?  They deserved the truth.  I didn't want another day to go by that they didn't know about her.  I have never been ashamed of Alyssa.  But how do you tell your kids that you love unconditionally that you allowed total strangers to raise their sister.  I would never leave my children with strangers for even a few hours but I have allowed strangers to raise my daughter?  How do you even explain that?

I couldn't imagine my raised kids waiting until Alyssa was 21 and then tell them about her, either. I wanted them to know that I wouldn't lie to them about anything. I am not that good at keeping secrets and neither is my family.   I wanted them to hear the truth from me and no one else. So I sat them down on my bed and I was terrified. No one ever told me when or how to tell my other kids.   I was even told by my counselor the only one that really needs to know is my doctor. Hmmm my kids and husband don't really need to know?  But the agency was an advocate of keeping the adoption even from my siblings.

Since they were so little I had to tell them on their level. I sat down with them and told them I needed talk to them about something very important. They can ask any questions they wanted to. I had to stay strong and not cry in front of them. I didn't want to scare them. I told them when I was about 16 years old I had a baby girl named Alyssa, that is now 9 years old. She lives with another family. I then asked if they wanted to see the pictures I had from her. I have a bunch of pictures from when she was born and I got a couple dozen pictures until she was about 4ish but after that all of the pictures stopped.  I told them they could look at the photo album as long as they wanted and whenever they wanted.

There weren't many questions that night, but there has been alot as they have got older. I have always tried to be strong in front of them and only give them the positive aspects of adoption. I didn't need to put my spin on it. They needed to make their own decisions without my opinions.

When Alyssa hit 12 and we didn't get a letter from her or her parents and my raised kids wondered why, I had no answers for them. As her 13th and 14th birthday passed and we didn't get anything I was at a loss to explain it. I honestly knew something was wrong with Alyssa from the time she hit 13, I just didn't know how to tell anyone. How can you say, My daughter that I haven't seen since she was a week old I feel like something is wrong with her. Hmmm, it sounds sort of crazy doesn't it. But as her natural mom I just felt like something wasn't right.

Once Alyssa hit 15 we started exchanging letters. It was at this point as we got to know her through non-identifying information in letters. Alot more questions came from my other kids. For a while we exchanged letters every few months and then she asked if we could exchange letters weekly. After abandoning my daughter to strangers how could I tell her no? Plus I really wanted as much contact as possible.

My raised kids had questions I couldn't answer that started me questioning closed adoption. They wondered what they had done so wrong that they couldn't have contact with their sister. What was her new name that her Aparents changed it to. What were her Aparents name? How did I know that their sister was really safe and happy? Sometimes they just cried themselves to sleep in my arms because they just wanted to meet her, talk with her on the phone, and just have a normal relationship. How many 10, 12, and 14 year olds do you know that cry them selves to sleep just because they want their family complete? They are the innocent victims in adoption.

I still wonder why no one ever told me how adoption could affect my future chidren.