I had another post written but I will save that for tomorrow.
I just received the best most precious present I ever received. Alyssa mailed me pictures of herself growing up. The last picture her aparents sent me she was when alyssa was about 4 and then Alyssa sent me current pictures of herself from the time she was about 15/16 and beyond when we were in contact through letters only. So I have about 10/12 years of no pictures and having no idea what she looked like for all of those years.
It means so much to me that she cares and loves me enough to send those pictures. I am beyond thankful right now to finally see what my daughter looked like growing up. She was a mix of both her dad and I. She got the best from both of us. I am just so thankful I can't even express my grattitude.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
November 11 - waiting on a woman
I sit here and wait for my Alyssa to call me. We talk several times a day, but I never call her. She always calls me when she is driving. Why don't I call her? I feel like I am invading her privacy if I call. I feel as if I'm not worthy to call her. What if her amom gets mad if she sees that I am calling. After all natural moms were supposed to disappear into nothingness and I am still here. I'm still the reminder that Alyssa was never fully her daughter, that she has 2 moms. I'm the reminder of Alyssa's amom's infertilities. I don't want Alyssa to feel pulled between her to worlds so I sit and wait. Always trying to be patient and understanding. Wait to know how she is doing today, what her plans are, what she wants for her future, when she gets to see Owen. I just wait for my phone to ring. I answer it no matter what time it is 5:30am or 2pm, 10pm or 2am. I keep it beside me on my night stand when I sleep. I long for those calls. I long to hear her voice. I long to know her thoughts and feelings. I long to know how she sees her future.
I'm still afraid that each call will be the last. After all how can she forgive me for abandoning her to strangers. Strangers that love her but never fully understand her. Strangers that don't understand how she ticks and why she does things the way she does. Strangers that are not her people, her relatives, her tribe. Strangers that took her "as if born to", but she wasn't. She was born to me and her nfather Rob, She is a Pierce and Anderson.
On November 15th, 2009 Alyssa contacted me through face book. This was the first contact that was not through an agency, that read everything we wrote to each other. Our private thoughts and love read over by an agency, Alyssa's counselor, or parents and then finally if it was deemed worthy then Alyssa. They had to make sure we wouldn't give out too much information, too much truth about how much we missed each other. We weren't allowed to tell each other how much this adoption process hurt both of us. Me as a parent who made the decision and her as an innocent victim of adoption. We started off slowly almost a year ago by just IM through face book for a week and then texting until January. I received the first phone call in January, the first time I heard my first born's voice. Then meeting in person in February. Since February we have seen each other every 6 weeks or so. We mostly texted but talked a few times a week until she had Owen. Since she has had Owen we talk daily up to 4 times a day. We talk about everything and nothing.
So I keep myself busy and my phone always besides me waiting to hear from my oldest child.
I'm still afraid that each call will be the last. After all how can she forgive me for abandoning her to strangers. Strangers that love her but never fully understand her. Strangers that don't understand how she ticks and why she does things the way she does. Strangers that are not her people, her relatives, her tribe. Strangers that took her "as if born to", but she wasn't. She was born to me and her nfather Rob, She is a Pierce and Anderson.
On November 15th, 2009 Alyssa contacted me through face book. This was the first contact that was not through an agency, that read everything we wrote to each other. Our private thoughts and love read over by an agency, Alyssa's counselor, or parents and then finally if it was deemed worthy then Alyssa. They had to make sure we wouldn't give out too much information, too much truth about how much we missed each other. We weren't allowed to tell each other how much this adoption process hurt both of us. Me as a parent who made the decision and her as an innocent victim of adoption. We started off slowly almost a year ago by just IM through face book for a week and then texting until January. I received the first phone call in January, the first time I heard my first born's voice. Then meeting in person in February. Since February we have seen each other every 6 weeks or so. We mostly texted but talked a few times a week until she had Owen. Since she has had Owen we talk daily up to 4 times a day. We talk about everything and nothing.
So I keep myself busy and my phone always besides me waiting to hear from my oldest child.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
November 10 - Is adoption ever ok? Yes when a child is in need of parents
You might think I am absolutely against adoption. I am not, under all circumstances. If you have a mother that decides to place her child even though she has full support to raise her child then adoption is fine. There is no coercion, it is an adult making a decision. If a child is in foster care and their is no chance of reunification then adoption is okay. After all it is about a child needing parents not about parents needing a child. If a child is orphaned and has no living relatives that can raise him then adoption is okay.
But PAP matching is absolutely unacceptable. There is one thing to choose the parents and meet them and tell them you are looking into adoption but totally different for them to come to the appointment and ultrasound and be there at the birth. That puts too much pressure on the mother. How does she decide against the adoption last minute if the PAP are there? How does she hurt them and tell them that especially if they have become "friends"? How does the mother even get time alone with her child with the PAP coming in and out of the room with their friends and family?
I have seen and know of several very acceptable adoptions. I have a friend who does foster care to adopt. She has had several kids in her care who were in need of long term care. Some of the kids were able to be placed back with their parents. Yes it was hard on my friend after caring for these kids for 6 months or longer but it is about what is best for the child. She started fostering a newborn. This newborn was born with drugs in her system, the mom was homeless, and the mom walked out of the hospital without her daughter with no forwarding information. In this case was adopting the child OK? Absolutely, because it is about the needs of the child, not the needs of the PAP.
Next is my husbands grandmother she had 3 kids of her own and was a foster parent in the '60's. She had no intent on ever adopting. At one point she had a baby at 6 months old and when he was 2 and a half he was still with her. There was no hope of reunification with the mother or father of this child. They had raised him and they were the only parents he knew so they adopted him when he was around 3 years old. Did they know his natural parents names. Absolutely, they even offered to help him look for his natural parents when he was 13. He wasn't ready, he didn't want to look for them at that point. They never covered up any facts for him, yes he did have an ABC but they never lied to him about who his parents were and they were even in support of him finding his natural parents when he was barely a teenager. Why would they do that? Why when they had raised him? Because adoption is about the child and not the parents. This couple even in the 1970's realized that.
How do we get around ABC? How about having guardianship instead of adoption until we fix the laws. That works in families all of the time. Even in my family this has happened. My sister had her son when she was 16. By the time my nephew was 3 my sister had divorced her husband (my nephews step dad). She had lived with my parents but for her own reasons decided she couldn't parent her son. So my parents took over the parenting of their grandson. They did not adopt him. He still has his OBC, he still can see his mom and his dad. He has not lost his culture, his people, his family, he knows where he fits in. He can asks questions and know the stories of HIS ancestors.
One of my friends has a sister who could no longer parent her 3 kids due to mental problems. At the time the kids were about ages 5, 3, and newborn. Now they could have adopted out the baby after all he was marketable on the adoption market but he did have breathing problems. The other 2 kids were autistic. So you have my friend who had no children of her own all of the sudden become a parent to 2 autistic preschoolers and one baby that they had to give breathing treatments to every few hours around the clock. Did I also tell you that she was only living in a 1 bedroom apartment? Yes the easy decision was to adopt them out to someone who was better prepared to parent them. But my friend understood that these 3 kids, her niece and nephews, would lose alot more than they would gain through adoption. They would not only lose their parents but their siblings also. Now these kids are 16, 14, and 11. They do not call their aunt anything but Nina, they call their uncle Unc, and their grandparents they call papa and grandma. It is very simple. They haven't seen their mother in years but they know who she is they have seen pictures of her. They know where they get there looks from. They know where they get their personality from. They know where they fit into the family. They are told about all of their mom's good qualities, they are told stories of her growing up and how she loves them but she is too sick to take care of them. My friend has guardianship of these kids only. They lost nothing but just gained an aunt, uncle, and grandparent that put their needs aside to take care and raise these 3 children.
But PAP matching is absolutely unacceptable. There is one thing to choose the parents and meet them and tell them you are looking into adoption but totally different for them to come to the appointment and ultrasound and be there at the birth. That puts too much pressure on the mother. How does she decide against the adoption last minute if the PAP are there? How does she hurt them and tell them that especially if they have become "friends"? How does the mother even get time alone with her child with the PAP coming in and out of the room with their friends and family?
I have seen and know of several very acceptable adoptions. I have a friend who does foster care to adopt. She has had several kids in her care who were in need of long term care. Some of the kids were able to be placed back with their parents. Yes it was hard on my friend after caring for these kids for 6 months or longer but it is about what is best for the child. She started fostering a newborn. This newborn was born with drugs in her system, the mom was homeless, and the mom walked out of the hospital without her daughter with no forwarding information. In this case was adopting the child OK? Absolutely, because it is about the needs of the child, not the needs of the PAP.
Next is my husbands grandmother she had 3 kids of her own and was a foster parent in the '60's. She had no intent on ever adopting. At one point she had a baby at 6 months old and when he was 2 and a half he was still with her. There was no hope of reunification with the mother or father of this child. They had raised him and they were the only parents he knew so they adopted him when he was around 3 years old. Did they know his natural parents names. Absolutely, they even offered to help him look for his natural parents when he was 13. He wasn't ready, he didn't want to look for them at that point. They never covered up any facts for him, yes he did have an ABC but they never lied to him about who his parents were and they were even in support of him finding his natural parents when he was barely a teenager. Why would they do that? Why when they had raised him? Because adoption is about the child and not the parents. This couple even in the 1970's realized that.
How do we get around ABC? How about having guardianship instead of adoption until we fix the laws. That works in families all of the time. Even in my family this has happened. My sister had her son when she was 16. By the time my nephew was 3 my sister had divorced her husband (my nephews step dad). She had lived with my parents but for her own reasons decided she couldn't parent her son. So my parents took over the parenting of their grandson. They did not adopt him. He still has his OBC, he still can see his mom and his dad. He has not lost his culture, his people, his family, he knows where he fits in. He can asks questions and know the stories of HIS ancestors.
One of my friends has a sister who could no longer parent her 3 kids due to mental problems. At the time the kids were about ages 5, 3, and newborn. Now they could have adopted out the baby after all he was marketable on the adoption market but he did have breathing problems. The other 2 kids were autistic. So you have my friend who had no children of her own all of the sudden become a parent to 2 autistic preschoolers and one baby that they had to give breathing treatments to every few hours around the clock. Did I also tell you that she was only living in a 1 bedroom apartment? Yes the easy decision was to adopt them out to someone who was better prepared to parent them. But my friend understood that these 3 kids, her niece and nephews, would lose alot more than they would gain through adoption. They would not only lose their parents but their siblings also. Now these kids are 16, 14, and 11. They do not call their aunt anything but Nina, they call their uncle Unc, and their grandparents they call papa and grandma. It is very simple. They haven't seen their mother in years but they know who she is they have seen pictures of her. They know where they get there looks from. They know where they get their personality from. They know where they fit into the family. They are told about all of their mom's good qualities, they are told stories of her growing up and how she loves them but she is too sick to take care of them. My friend has guardianship of these kids only. They lost nothing but just gained an aunt, uncle, and grandparent that put their needs aside to take care and raise these 3 children.
Monday, November 8, 2010
November 9 - My PHD in adoption or my life in adoption
When Alyssa hit about 14/15 I decided I needed to do something about my grief and learn more about adoption. I never heard of any other nmoms feeling the way I did towards my daughter that I hadn't seen in years. I never heard of other moms continue to love their children and want to know them.. I never heard of moms still grieving years later. The media and Hollywood portrays birthmoms as crazy, psycho, serial killer, drug addicts, prostitutes, or saints. I wasn't any of those things. I did have sex before I got married and more than one time. But so has 99.99% of all of my friends. I have never done drugs, been to jail, or locked up in the loony bin.
Where do I fall into adoption land? I wanted to know that question. I also wanted to know what it is like to adopt, I wanted to know what it was like to be adopted, I wanted to know do other nmoms feel like me. I have always loved to read. I started reading books at first from the church book store. They don't have many on adoption but they have alot on how to adopt. I didn't care about how to adopt. I'm way past that point. I wanted to know about the aftermath of adoption. I even went to LDSFS and asked the counselor for books about adoption and how it affects the adoptee. He had told me he didn't know of any.
I signed up to groups on yahoo and google for birthmoms, search groups, and just plain old adoption triad groups. I found out alot on adoption and how the adoptee feels. Not all of it was great. Even adoptees from great families had issues. Wow, I never knew that. I seriously never knew that at all. I know adoptees in my personal life but that was not something anyone ever shared with me. I started getting books recommended from online friends. I read 6 to 10 books a year on adoption. I read up on Georgia Tann and the beginnings of modern US adoption. I've read about the current rules for European Nations on adoption. I read about what it is like to be adopted. I read a books about what adoptees want their adoptive parents to know. I read about reunions. I've read about what it is like to raise an adopted child. So for the last almost 4 years I have been doing this. I still do this, I'm reading 2 books right now. I feel like I'm getting a PHD on adoption.
Why you might wonder? Why would I torture myself like this. First of all my daughter that I placed for adoption is obviously adopted. I need to be the best parent for her. I know she has adopted parents too. But I needed to know of any issues or concern before she was ready to talk, so I could better understand her. Isn't that what all good parents do? We look into our kids problems and find ways to help them. I wanted to know what it has been like for her adoptive parents. I wanted to know if my feelings were normal.
I have read about some amazing Aparents who welcome their child's Nparents with open arms. Not only welcome the Nparents but helped search for them. Aparents who are exceptionally gracious and loving. Who understand that there will always be a bond between Nmother and child. The best thing for a child, even adult child is to build that bond. It doesn't take away from the bond between the child and Aparents but brings more love and acceptance into the adoptees life. Aparents who aren't jealous of Nparents. That is what I had hoped my daughters aparents were like. I assumed they were like that. After all they had written me for 11 years, they were good Christians, they went to church every Sunday, and went to the temple. They loved her unconditionally.
As I started to get into adoption blogland I found alot of sugar happy adoption blogs. Mostly from Aparents but a few Nmothers too. I don't dissuade those feelings of other Nmoms, because I was like that too at one point. I know that is how they feel right now. I was even asked to sit on a birthmom board. I had been on the sugar high. That is okay because it is much easier to live in the sugar happy place then come down for that sugar high and look at all the demons. Look at the things wrong with adoption and make them right. How do you fight a billion dollar industry? Not only look at the demons but that you help create that in your adult child. You are the one that placed your baby for adoption you are the ones that gave your child separation anxiety. You gave your child abandonment issues. That is an incredibly hard pill to swallow. I have had so many tears over that. Especially when my daughter told me a few months after reunion that she has abandonment issues. I know that was my fault, even if I didn't know that would happen when I placed her. It was still my actions that hurt my daughter, my first born.
I understand also the Amoms happy blogs after all they got their child out of the deal. Their child will learn to love them. They will be the only real mom their child knows. God helped in getting their child after all. It couldn't be money greasing the wheel help get their child. To actually say yes we paid for our child and put someone else through immense grief for the rest of their lives. Yes that is what God wants. That would be too hard to say. So they just say God helped me "get" my baby. Ohhh my favorite term for adopt is "get a baby". Yes god took a sacred love between a mother and child and tore it apart so another women could raise that child. And then God took a birth certificate, sealed it, and reissued another birth certificate, a false birth certificate, a lie. Yes God has his hand in all of that. No my God that I have worshipped does not do that. People do that. People playing God do those things.
Was the reunion between my daughter and I as I imagined? No, not at all, it was better, we are closer than I could have imagined, we talk several times a day, and we completely understand each other. She is smart, beautiful, caring, generous, hard working, funny, I can laugh and cry with her. We just get each other. We can read each other and almost know what the other is thinking.
What about her aparents? No they still aren't ready for me to be in her life. I have picked up Alyssa from her aparents house when her amom was home and her amom wouldn't even come to the door to meet me. Yes she knew it was me at the door, but she wasn't ready to meet me. I guess that is her insecurities, but it still hurts. I gave them my daughter to raise and 18 years later they can't meet me in person and hold a conversation.
One more blessing of adoption.
Where do I fall into adoption land? I wanted to know that question. I also wanted to know what it is like to adopt, I wanted to know what it was like to be adopted, I wanted to know do other nmoms feel like me. I have always loved to read. I started reading books at first from the church book store. They don't have many on adoption but they have alot on how to adopt. I didn't care about how to adopt. I'm way past that point. I wanted to know about the aftermath of adoption. I even went to LDSFS and asked the counselor for books about adoption and how it affects the adoptee. He had told me he didn't know of any.
I signed up to groups on yahoo and google for birthmoms, search groups, and just plain old adoption triad groups. I found out alot on adoption and how the adoptee feels. Not all of it was great. Even adoptees from great families had issues. Wow, I never knew that. I seriously never knew that at all. I know adoptees in my personal life but that was not something anyone ever shared with me. I started getting books recommended from online friends. I read 6 to 10 books a year on adoption. I read up on Georgia Tann and the beginnings of modern US adoption. I've read about the current rules for European Nations on adoption. I read about what it is like to be adopted. I read a books about what adoptees want their adoptive parents to know. I read about reunions. I've read about what it is like to raise an adopted child. So for the last almost 4 years I have been doing this. I still do this, I'm reading 2 books right now. I feel like I'm getting a PHD on adoption.
Why you might wonder? Why would I torture myself like this. First of all my daughter that I placed for adoption is obviously adopted. I need to be the best parent for her. I know she has adopted parents too. But I needed to know of any issues or concern before she was ready to talk, so I could better understand her. Isn't that what all good parents do? We look into our kids problems and find ways to help them. I wanted to know what it has been like for her adoptive parents. I wanted to know if my feelings were normal.
I have read about some amazing Aparents who welcome their child's Nparents with open arms. Not only welcome the Nparents but helped search for them. Aparents who are exceptionally gracious and loving. Who understand that there will always be a bond between Nmother and child. The best thing for a child, even adult child is to build that bond. It doesn't take away from the bond between the child and Aparents but brings more love and acceptance into the adoptees life. Aparents who aren't jealous of Nparents. That is what I had hoped my daughters aparents were like. I assumed they were like that. After all they had written me for 11 years, they were good Christians, they went to church every Sunday, and went to the temple. They loved her unconditionally.
As I started to get into adoption blogland I found alot of sugar happy adoption blogs. Mostly from Aparents but a few Nmothers too. I don't dissuade those feelings of other Nmoms, because I was like that too at one point. I know that is how they feel right now. I was even asked to sit on a birthmom board. I had been on the sugar high. That is okay because it is much easier to live in the sugar happy place then come down for that sugar high and look at all the demons. Look at the things wrong with adoption and make them right. How do you fight a billion dollar industry? Not only look at the demons but that you help create that in your adult child. You are the one that placed your baby for adoption you are the ones that gave your child separation anxiety. You gave your child abandonment issues. That is an incredibly hard pill to swallow. I have had so many tears over that. Especially when my daughter told me a few months after reunion that she has abandonment issues. I know that was my fault, even if I didn't know that would happen when I placed her. It was still my actions that hurt my daughter, my first born.
I understand also the Amoms happy blogs after all they got their child out of the deal. Their child will learn to love them. They will be the only real mom their child knows. God helped in getting their child after all. It couldn't be money greasing the wheel help get their child. To actually say yes we paid for our child and put someone else through immense grief for the rest of their lives. Yes that is what God wants. That would be too hard to say. So they just say God helped me "get" my baby. Ohhh my favorite term for adopt is "get a baby". Yes god took a sacred love between a mother and child and tore it apart so another women could raise that child. And then God took a birth certificate, sealed it, and reissued another birth certificate, a false birth certificate, a lie. Yes God has his hand in all of that. No my God that I have worshipped does not do that. People do that. People playing God do those things.
Was the reunion between my daughter and I as I imagined? No, not at all, it was better, we are closer than I could have imagined, we talk several times a day, and we completely understand each other. She is smart, beautiful, caring, generous, hard working, funny, I can laugh and cry with her. We just get each other. We can read each other and almost know what the other is thinking.
What about her aparents? No they still aren't ready for me to be in her life. I have picked up Alyssa from her aparents house when her amom was home and her amom wouldn't even come to the door to meet me. Yes she knew it was me at the door, but she wasn't ready to meet me. I guess that is her insecurities, but it still hurts. I gave them my daughter to raise and 18 years later they can't meet me in person and hold a conversation.
One more blessing of adoption.
November 8 - my next 2 babies
About a year and a half after I had Alex we wanted another baby. It wasn't long before I was pregnant. Seems I don't have a problem getting pregnant. This was my 3rd pregnancy and first one planned. I started having problems with the pregnancy even before I even found out I was pregnant. My doctor at my first appointment said "this pregnancy doesn't look viable". Wow I was crushed but I was still pregnant so I was going to do whatever was humanly possible to stay pregnant. I had a lot of spotting and cramping through out the whole pregnancy. Tons of doctor appointments too. I couldn't cook, clean, or even lift up Alex. Kenny turned out totally fine. He was born August 28, 1996. I had 2 and a half hours of labor and he was born weighing 8 pounds 6 ounces.
As Kenny got his personality I realized he was strong, defiant, stubborn, playful, but had the most tender heart.
After placing my daughter for adoption and then having 2 boys I just assumed I wasn't meant to raise a daughter. People would ask if we were gonna try to have a daughter. They didn't know I had already placed my daughter just 4 and a half years earlier. I always answered that my body could only produce boys, I couldn't have girls. It too hurt to much to tell the truth.
When Kenny was almost a year we decided we were going to wait until he was about 5 years old and then have 2 more kids. I like the idea of kids being close together in age.
Well about 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. I was not happy, this was not a blessing. I cried and they were not happy tears. I had not lost any of my pregnancy weight. I had 4 pregnancies in 6 years, that was way too much on my body. I couldn't handle another high risk pregnancy either. I would have this baby a month after I turned 23. I was due May 8th, 1996.
The first ultrasound came back and said I was having a girl. I absolutely did not believe it. I couldn't have a girl, a daughter. I couldn't deal with the implications of getting a second chance with a daughter. This pregnancy was actually easy, i did not bleed at all through it, I had braxton hicks towards the end but no cramping through out the whole pregnancy. I definitely had the 5 months of morning sickness but I was used to dealing with that.
I was induced on April 27, 1996. I had 2 hours of labor and when I realized it was time for her to be born I wanted to jump off the bed. Giving birth and especially to a daughter terrified me. She was born almost 2 weeks early and she weighed 7 and a half pounds. I held her and just loved her. I know this sounds weird but having her healed a part of me but also made me realize that I could have raised my daughter. I would never have taken Alyssa away from the parents she knew at 6 years old but that didn't mean I didn't want to know more about her.
I know I have given Cassie extra attention and love to try to make up for what I missed out with Alyssa .I feel as if I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could parent my daughter and do a good job.
I come from a family of workaholics and over achievers in the business world. But I personally don't care about my job. I work so i have enough to provide for my kids. The only thing important is that my kids feel loved and cared for. After leaving Alyssa this past May when she graduated high school, my sister Shana and I were headed to the airport and she said you know you are the best mom out of all of us girls. I just looked at her and said I had to be I had to make up for placing my daughter. I had to prove to everyone that I am a good mom. If I wasn't nothing else would matter.
As Kenny got his personality I realized he was strong, defiant, stubborn, playful, but had the most tender heart.
After placing my daughter for adoption and then having 2 boys I just assumed I wasn't meant to raise a daughter. People would ask if we were gonna try to have a daughter. They didn't know I had already placed my daughter just 4 and a half years earlier. I always answered that my body could only produce boys, I couldn't have girls. It too hurt to much to tell the truth.
When Kenny was almost a year we decided we were going to wait until he was about 5 years old and then have 2 more kids. I like the idea of kids being close together in age.
Well about 2 weeks after that I found out I was pregnant. I was not happy, this was not a blessing. I cried and they were not happy tears. I had not lost any of my pregnancy weight. I had 4 pregnancies in 6 years, that was way too much on my body. I couldn't handle another high risk pregnancy either. I would have this baby a month after I turned 23. I was due May 8th, 1996.
The first ultrasound came back and said I was having a girl. I absolutely did not believe it. I couldn't have a girl, a daughter. I couldn't deal with the implications of getting a second chance with a daughter. This pregnancy was actually easy, i did not bleed at all through it, I had braxton hicks towards the end but no cramping through out the whole pregnancy. I definitely had the 5 months of morning sickness but I was used to dealing with that.
I was induced on April 27, 1996. I had 2 hours of labor and when I realized it was time for her to be born I wanted to jump off the bed. Giving birth and especially to a daughter terrified me. She was born almost 2 weeks early and she weighed 7 and a half pounds. I held her and just loved her. I know this sounds weird but having her healed a part of me but also made me realize that I could have raised my daughter. I would never have taken Alyssa away from the parents she knew at 6 years old but that didn't mean I didn't want to know more about her.
I know I have given Cassie extra attention and love to try to make up for what I missed out with Alyssa .I feel as if I needed to prove to myself and everyone else that I could parent my daughter and do a good job.
I come from a family of workaholics and over achievers in the business world. But I personally don't care about my job. I work so i have enough to provide for my kids. The only thing important is that my kids feel loved and cared for. After leaving Alyssa this past May when she graduated high school, my sister Shana and I were headed to the airport and she said you know you are the best mom out of all of us girls. I just looked at her and said I had to be I had to make up for placing my daughter. I had to prove to everyone that I am a good mom. If I wasn't nothing else would matter.
Sunday, November 7, 2010
My Alex my second blessing
So I was 7 months pregnant and just told that my baby was not growing right. I followed doctors orders and on May 3rd at about 9:30pm I started into labor. I knew my labor would be incredibly long, after all with Alyssa just 2 years before I had 65 hours of labor. I was hoping for only 48 hours of labor. The only difference between the 2 was I was keeping Alex and I knew I was placing Alyssa. I knew as soon as I had her, my time with her would be over. I could no longer be her mom and I didn't know where she was going. I had not even met the people that were going to adopt her. But she would be better of than with a 16 year old single mom that had 3 months of high school left.
5 hours after I started into labor I had an 8 pound 8 ounce baby boy. He wasn't small at all like my doctor thought. He was actually perfect in every way. I had gained 20 pounds in 2 months but it was well worth it. I didn't want him out of my site. I know this is crazy but I was so afraid someone would either trade him with another baby or something would happen to him if I wasn't there beside him.
5 hours after I started into labor I had an 8 pound 8 ounce baby boy. He wasn't small at all like my doctor thought. He was actually perfect in every way. I had gained 20 pounds in 2 months but it was well worth it. I didn't want him out of my site. I know this is crazy but I was so afraid someone would either trade him with another baby or something would happen to him if I wasn't there beside him.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Wedding November 26 and second pregnancy
My sister and me she was my made of honor. Her other arm had a cast on it and she was trying to pinch my butt.
We decided to get married the day after Thanksgiving. I found the dress and my mom made my bouquet with silk flowers on a lace fan. It turned out beautiful, but my mom finished my bouquet about 3am the night before the wedding. My sister Laurel was my made of honor and Jer's brother was his best man.
My family called Jeremy, troll, because he had the craziest hair. My dad compared him to the troll dolls with the jewelry in the belly button. My family should have scared every guy off. It was so bad that my nieces would call Jer, uncle troll. Yes we are relentless when it comes to teasing. I still don't know why he didn't run away years ago.
Well tucked into my bouquet my mom put in gummy trolls. You couldn't tell as I walked down the aisle but they were in there hidden in the flowers. What a sense of humor, right. You know at everyones first weding that is where you should be making jokes. I was annoyed at the time but now it is hillarious, I have quite a story to tell.
We didn't have any friends at the wedding just family and there were about 40 people. We did the reception at the beginning of January. The wedding was perfect for me it was small and about us getting married not about having the favors, food, and all the craziness. In almost 3 weeks from today we will be married 17 years so it worked out well for us.
When I was about 22 weeks pregnant I started to have problems. I woke up one morning to more than just spotting. I went into the doctor and they couldn't find any problems. I took it easy for a week no heavy lifting and I thought everything was fine. For the rest of the pregnancy I had spotting and cramping. I was constantly going into the doctor for problems. At 7 months after another sonogram I was told that my baby wasn't growing right. He was very small for his gestation. I was put on a high calorie diet. I was terrified I didn't want to lose this baby too. I would gain as much weight as needed if it meant I had a healthy baby.
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