November 11 - waiting on a woman

I sit here and wait for my Alyssa to call me.  We talk several times a day, but I never call her.  She always calls me when she is driving.  Why don't I call her?  I feel like I am invading her privacy if I call.  I feel as if I'm not worthy to call her.  What if her amom gets mad if she sees that I am calling.  After all natural moms were supposed to disappear into nothingness and I am still here.  I'm still the reminder that Alyssa was never fully her daughter, that she has 2 moms.  I'm the reminder of Alyssa's amom's infertilities. I don't want Alyssa to feel pulled between her to worlds so I sit and wait.  Always trying to be patient and understanding.  Wait to know how she is doing today, what her plans are, what she wants for her future, when she gets to see Owen.  I just wait for my phone to ring.  I answer it no matter what time it is 5:30am or 2pm, 10pm or 2am.  I keep it beside me on my night stand when I sleep.   I long for those calls.  I long to hear her voice.  I long to know her thoughts and feelings. I long to know how she sees her future.

I'm still afraid that each call will be the last.  After all how can she forgive me for abandoning her to strangers.  Strangers that love her but never fully understand her.  Strangers that don't understand how she ticks and why she does things the way she does.  Strangers that are not her people, her relatives, her tribe.  Strangers that took her "as if born to", but she wasn't.  She was born to me and her nfather Rob, She is a Pierce and Anderson.

On November 15th,  2009 Alyssa contacted me through face book.  This was the first contact that was not through an agency, that read everything we wrote to each other.  Our private thoughts and love read over by an agency, Alyssa's counselor, or parents and then finally if it was deemed worthy then Alyssa.  They had to make sure we wouldn't give out too much information, too much truth about how much we missed each other.  We weren't allowed to tell each other how much this adoption process hurt both of us.  Me as a parent who made the decision and her as an innocent victim of adoption.  We started off slowly almost a year ago by just IM through face book for a week and then texting until January.  I received the first phone call in January, the first time I heard my first born's voice.  Then  meeting in person in February. Since February we have seen each other every 6 weeks or so.  We mostly texted but talked a few times a week until she had Owen.  Since she has had Owen we talk daily up to 4 times a day.  We talk about everything and nothing.

So I keep myself busy and my phone always besides me waiting to hear from my oldest child.