I have been told that I don’t understand modern day adoption.  I have been told what I write about is all in the past.  So I guess now we do not change birth certificates.  Everyone has access to their OBC, right.  Adoptees are absolutely equal to every other US citizen.  PAP are not ever encouraged to be in the delivery room and that puts no pressure on expectant women to place their child. 

Our laws are still against expectant mothers.  Woman are still given papers to relinquish their children while they are in the hospital, while their child is in the hospital.  While they are still recovering from the delivery.  They are given the papers while PAP are outside of the room, in the hospital.  No that does not speak of pressure and coercion at all.  Obviously things have changed a lot.  It seems to be a lot more sly with coercion.  While woman are crying hysterically they are given papers to relinquish their child.  Yes that is happening today in our society.

Why is there not a waiting period after you sign the papers before your rights are relinquished in every state?  Why do dads have barely any legal rights to their children?  Why do case workers not always tell mothers that once the papers are signed they will not be able to get their child’s OBC?  That is told after the papers are signed.  Why are woman told not to put the fathers name on the OBC if they are planning to place their child for adoption?  Yes that does happen in 2010.  How are these children going to feel in 18 years or more when they find out their father is not on their OBC.  Will they question their moms honesty and wonder if their mom’s even know who their dad is? 

Four years ago I could  not buy a car in California in the evening because there was a too high of chance that I was making a decision when I was too tired.  Mothers are allowed to sign relinquishment papers in 2010 when they have slept 6 hours in the last 72 hours and had barely ate 400 of calories food in the last 3 days. 

I can not imagine a natural mother being okay with letting their adult child relinquish their parental rights.  I’m sure it happens but the natural mother that does allow  that has to be rare.  Most of us are not  okay with seeing our children experience the same pain as us.  Adoption agencies encourage natural mothers to sit on panels and share the great experience of adoption with other mothers.  As natural mothers we wouldn’t want our children to go through it but some natural mothers encourage our friends and other women?

I was also told Utah has great laws for parents giving up their rights.  Is that why adoption agencies actually bring expectant mothers to Utah because of the laws protecting or exploiting natural mothers? 

Maybe now a day’s  adoption are different because agencies do not sell babies?  There is no money exchanged ever for a child, right.   There are no receipts for children, no checks being written, and no loans taken out to buy a baby.  Obviously adoption is very different than 18 years ago.

While we are on the subject different races of children all sell for different prices?  Why? Why is one child worth more than others in the agencies and PAPs eyes?

I have been told that women will live in poverty when they keep their children.  Of course that is possible and it does happen. Does it make them bad parents?  I have known several women that started off as teenage moms.  That lived in poverty, they fought for everything they had.  They were amazing moms too.  And now they are lawyers and business owners.  Their kids could not have been prouder because they have seen what their mothers have overcame .  They have seen the struggles and accomplishments of their moms.  Is that a bad lesson to teach your children?

I have also been told if adoptive couples close the adoption they can still adopt another child through the same agency.  I’m sorry but wtf?  They have proven to an adoption agency they are liars and unethical but  the adoption agency still will allow them to adopt they just put a note in their file for future natural mom.  Obviously adoption is not at all about money right?  One set of natural parent and their families have been crushed when the adoption closes but the agency will still sell another child to the same couple. 

I do not mean to say that infertile couples are mean or abusive.  I absolutely know they are not.  I do know they just want a child of their own.  Most couples would be just as happy to have a child of their own naturally without adoption.  Adoption is about the child and not the adoptive parents.  But if adoption is about the child and there is only 1 infant child for every 30 to  40 couples trying to adopt why aren’t the same  couples looking into teenage/older child adoption through foster care?

Don’t those kids deserve a home just as much as a cute cuddly newborn?  Is it because you can see the loss and sadness that foster kids have,  where as all newborns cry the same.  You don’t see the loss in newborns eyes.  Everyone takes it as “your” child because you adopted the child as a newborn not an older child.  Yes adoption has changed so much in the last 18 years.

Reunion and the things I wish I would have known

I did read alot of books about reunion.  There was alot that was not in them.  Yes I understood that no reunion is perfect.  I understood "the honeymoon stage".  I understood that I may want my daughter around more than she wanted me around.  Or she would want more from me than I could give her.  I was prepared for those things. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the regrets and questioning that would come with it.  I do not regret meeting my daughter, I regret not raising her.  I do not regret talking with her every day.  I regret the previous 18 years of not being there for my daughter.  I do not regret getting texts from her.  I do not regret trying to understand adoption from her point of view.   Honestly to acknowledge and come to terms with how my decision to relinquish her actually hurts her, totally sucks.   It hurts me horribly, but I'm sure nothing like living with the knowledge "your mom loved you enough to abandon you".  I never had any intention to hurt her.   I do not regret seeing her as much as humanly possible now.  I was trying to do what I was told would be best.  I was told by church leaders and the adults around me and trying to do the best for her.   

I regret breaking the sacred bond that comes with being a mother.  I regret that she has a sealed birth certificate.  I regret that she does not know the stories of her families.  Yes I seriously think children should be kept with their mothers just because they are biologically theirs,tThat one "minor" factor.

I was told how she needed a mother and father.  Didn't occure to me that she already had that.  I was told that she would need a stay at home mom.  Kids do not need stay at home moms to be complete.   I was told that she would need material things.  Of course she would need material things but I wasn't told that she would need ME.  She needed the mother/child bond not to be broken.  She needed security and safety  from the only person she knew, that was me. 

Deep down I always knew adoption wasn't as great as it was made out to be.   But it was buried pretty deep down.  Once I met my daughter the questions I have had came screaming out.  Why was it okay to tell a 16 year old that God was using my body to bring a couple their child?  The child was not theirs.  God did not use my body as a vessel to supply any infertile woman with a child.  That is absolutely crazy.  Or how bout I wasn't capable to mother her?  Really????? I wasn't capable?  I needed support is what I needed.  Or from my bishop he told me that waking up so many times in the middle of the night I would want to hurt my baby, because I would do it alone.  Funny thing is I was the only one that ever got up with my kids when they were babies.  Just cause a man is sleeping in my bed doesnot make me less capable of getting up at night with my babies to nurse them.  What is a man going to do for a breatfed baby anyways?  They aren't going to nurse the baby, so I was married and still the only one getting up with them.  And guess what I didn't hurt them or get angry with them.

I was asked how I would support my daughter for the next 18 years?  I didn't know, I couldn't answer that.  How was I going to put my daughter through college?  My daughter's Aparents aren't putting her through college either.    So I guess neither of us should have been her parents, right.  Should they now relinquish their parental rights? 

When I was pregnant the next 3 times I didn't have those answers either.  But somehow we are managing on a daily basis.   I didn't have a college fund for each child before they were conceived.  I did not know how we would manage, we had no money when we had the next 3 kids.  Sometimes I didn't know how we would make it through the month.  Does that make me unfit to be a mother to them too? 

Last night was a bit rough.  Cassie and Kenny were both crazy emotional and they both needed me to spend time alone with them and comfort them.  No they were not upset about adoption but normal teenage angst.  I was having major stomach problems on top of it all.  I finally got everyone calmed down and went to sleep around midnight. 

This morning when I woke up everything was normal in fact better than normal.  Cassie woke up early and happy which is very rare for her.  It has been quite a good morning to say the least.  She usually despises mornings and is just awful to be around. 

This morning I was thinking how lucky Alyssa and I are even with this whole mess of adoption.  First of all not only has my husband totally accepted her as his own but she has accepted him.  He never thought of her as a ghost from my past that will come back to haunt us.  I never had to ask for his forgiveness for having a child before I met him.  He was just as excited as me when we finally met her.  He is so supportive of our relationship and all 4 kids having a great sibling relationship.  When the 6 of us are together you couldn't  tell which 3 kids are his biologically and which one is not. 

When Alyssa contacted her grandfather on her dad's side he immediately accepted her.  She has been in contact with her aunt, uncle, and even her father.  She has not met any of them in person but they have still accepted her.  Her dad is in jail and I'm not sure if she is totally ready to meet him in jail yet or not.  But he does live  the closest to her.  She is in Utah and he is in as she calls it Boise State.  Her grandparents on her dad's side live in New Mexico, her uncle lives in Oklahoma, I don't remember where her aunt lives right now

When Alyssa first got in contact with  her paternal side I told her do not give them my contact information.  Even 19 years later I did not want contact with her father because of how he was when I knew him. I had absolutely hoped he had changed and grew up.  I had hoped he would be a good functioning member of society.  I hoped for my daughter that he would be a great example to her.

I am still not in contact with her dad at all but she is and she writes him letters.  I am glad he writes her back and accepts her.  She is the only one of his 8 kids that is in contact with him.  Her Uncle Mike on his side has been awesome to her.  I am in contact with him also.  He is helping us find her family history.   I can trace my roots back to the 1600's and pretty easily come up with a family tree that has names, dates, kids, and spouses.  Her dad's family doesn't have that yet.  So he is helping us find names and dates of her great grandparents.  I figure we can work farther back after that.  We did find out that her great grandmother is full Cherokee Indian.  She also has Native American blood ties on her dad's father's side.  I just want  to help her find names. I think she deserves to have that.   She also is 1/4 Danish on my side.    She is definitely a mix of a little of everything.

Her family history is not the same as her adoptive parents.  They have their family history and stories so why should my daughter not just because she was adopted?  I think in ways it is more important for her to have it because her ties have been cut from her natural family.  She didn't grow up with stories of her ancestors.  She didn't grow up with  knowing any natural  family.  She deserved to have had these since birth so it is now time to start looking, after all she has waited almost 19 years.

I have found there to be both good and bad in this blog world.  I know I put myself out there by having this opened to the public.  I have also found some amazing womae, adoptees, natural moms, and adoptive moms through blogging.  I have seen a side of my oldest daughter that I wouldn't have seen without this blogging world.  I do love to read her words.  I try to see things in her perspective and make sure I take nothing personally.  It's her feelings and her views.

I found a good friend through this blogging world too.  I have been able to see adoption through adoptees point of view.  I am very grateful adult adoptees have been able to have the courage to express themselves through blogging.  I do know how scary it is to sometimes write my feelings down and hopefully not get beaten up for them.  I'm sure it is so much harder for adoptees than it is for me.  Adoption is about the adoptee.  I have seen the good, bad, and ugly through their personal experiences. 

Through the sadness and pain of adoption I have found a way to make a difference too.   I hope I can make a difference to even one person that won't see them selves as less than because of a metal bind on their left hand.    I won't give out the details yet.  It's not my idea, but Melynda's idea, and when she is ready to launch it I will write more about it.  I am definitely excited about it and can't wait to help her with this idea.

november 30

I'm doing 2 posts today.  I forgot to post one yesterday.  But this first post is the conversation my 12 year old daughter and I had.

This morning the news mentioned Jaycee Dugard missing for close to 18 years.  I looked at Cassie and said wow can you imagine your child being kidnapped for 18 years?  She said, Yeah mom I can, look at Alyssa.  She was missing from our life for 18 years.  There was 4 years we didn't even know if she was alive.  Most of her life we didn't know if she was happy or sad or if she even felt loved.  We didn't know if she was being abused or even felt safe.

Adoption in so many ways does feel like a kidnapping.  I understand that it is not the same but it feels similar. 

When you place a child you don't get condolences or sympathy, you are expected to get over it, you do not get support from family and friends.  If you are lucky you might have someone in your life that lets you talk about it for the first year, but after the first year you really should be over the loss of adoption, or so says society.  There is no support and people pretend it never happened.  In all respects you are expected to move on and just get over the loss of adoption.  It doesn't happen for the natural moms or adoptees we will never be over the loss of each other.

Good bye November Adoption Be-wareness month is over.  I will still be blogging but I'm not so sure about daily blogging.  I will continue blogging for natural mothers but most importantly for adoptees that have lost their families, their origins, for adoptees that feel alone and abandoned. 

Jeannette

November 29- Open adoption

If you are looking to place with an open adoption there are some things you might want to think about

First what do you consider open?  What does the PAP consider open?  How different are your opinions?  Have the PAP signed an agreement stating what they are willing to do to maintain an open adoption?  That should be done before your rights are signed away.

My daughters adoption was considered open in some people's eyes because I got pictures for a few years and letters yearly.  No identifying information was ever exchanged.  Would you consider that opened?  Is that the kind of adoption you want?

Are all visits, agreed upon? If you want to see your child weekly or monthly for the next 18 years that should be included in  an agreement.  If you are told that you can stop by anytime you are having a rough day and miss your child that needs to be included.

Have you been referred to as a birth mother while you are pregnant by the agency or PAP?  You are NOT a "birth" mother until you sign away your rights.  After you sign you are a natural mother, don't allow the agencies terms to be placed on you.  PAL belittles natural mothers and their children.  That is one of the way agencies convince you to place.  They make you think of yourself as this child's birth mother not the mother.  Once they have conquered that wall the rest is easy.  If you have it in your head that you are only a "vehicle" to make someone else parents, than they have made their money.  They know that you now are a very easy prey. 

When you are in labor make it very clear who can see you and when while you are in the hospital.  If you change your mind about when people can see you they need to respect that.  Do not let an agency camp out at the hospital.  If an agency representative is in your room more than once a day they should be asked by the hospital staff to leave.  Agencies have been known to use the camping out method to put pressure on women to sign away their rights
Every PAP couple should be using the proper term of mother not the agency term of "birth mother".  If the PAP have not spent the time and energy finding out what it is really like for a natural mother and adoptee then they have no business looking into adopting a child.  The same amount of time and energy that is placed on finding a baby should be equal to the time and energy spent on really finding out what it is like to be an adoptee or first mother. Do more research than just listening to the agency and their panel.  The panel is hand picked by the agency.  They only tell a very small part of the whole experience. 

Have the PAP promised the moon and stars?  If the PAP have promised so much prebirth is it because they are desperate for a baby and will say anything?  Have they taken you out to dinner and got to know you?  Have they become your closest friend and confident?  If you were not pregnant would they be in your life?  Would they want anything to do with you if you were not pregnant and considering placing with them?

Did you know that according to Bethany Christian Adoption Agency services 80% of their open adoptions close within the first few year?  Would you ever consider having a surgery with an 80% chance of death? Of course not, why would you risk at least an 80% chance of no contact with your child?  Will you be okay knowing that the adoption closed?  Would you be okay not knowing if your child was alive, dead, happy, sad, or abused?

Why haven't adoption agencies put in place legally binding open adoption agreements?  That is simple adoption is about making money.  Its a muli-billion dollar industry.  The ones paying are the PAP the goal is too make adoption easier on the PAP. 

I have been told that the highest rate of adoption is in Utah County.  Shouldn't Utah have the best laws for the protection of mom, dad, and baby?  Utah has the best laws for PAP.  On top of that Utah has a society stuck in the 1950 or 1960 time period.  If you are pregnant and single you are expected to place.  Most of the country is okay with single parenting, but not Utah. 

My daughter's good friend got pregnant this past year. She lives in Utah, and wants to single parent.  She had just in the first 3 months of her pregnancy many people including at the hospital try to refer her to LDSFS.  Why would a hospital even mention adoption to any woman that is considering to single parent.  Isn't that a place to help people medically?  They are not there to judge or give their moral opinions.  Do you see why I think it is hard to single parent when you have everyone around you tell you that you can't,  You are not enough, you need a ring on your finger.  You really are not given a choice.  I think we would all be in an uproar if the case was this girl was being coerced at the hospital and by well meaning adults to have an abortion but because it's adoption and the loving choice we are okay with it as a society.

Thanksgiving weekend

We made it through Thanksgiving.  We headed over to my in-laws house about 11am on Thursday.  I was helping with the cooking.   I made some of the best mashed potatoes I ever head.  On the way over to dinner I started tearing up and then had to stop the tears from falling.  I didn't want my kids to see and I didn't want anyone to worry about me.  After all there isn't anyone that can change the facts.  And really unless you are a natural mom or adoptee you really can't understand the pain. 

I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving.  I know that helped her so much.  Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa.  She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen.  I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper.  I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day.  I really hope that continues.

Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque.  Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great.  My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws.  My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind.  She can understand me like few people can.  Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great.   She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.

On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down.  Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family.  My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going.  There are no pretenses.  The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility.  No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.  

On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary.  We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids.  I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend.  We just did some small shopping together.  It was really fun.

 I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone.  We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives.  She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too.  That really made my weekend.  Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away.  As her natural mom I do sometimes a lot of times feel like I am less of a mom.  Alyssa told me, "You know mom just because you didn't change my (expletive) diapers 8 times a day doesn't make you any less of my mom."   Have I said that I love her so much.  I could never have asked for a better daughter. 

Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales.  Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday.  We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family.  We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year.  Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.

Today we tried going back to church.  We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born.  I couldn't make it through.  It's just not something I can handle right now.  And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back.  Not when my emotions are this close to the surface.  I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time.  Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.