Thanksgiving weekend

We made it through Thanksgiving.  We headed over to my in-laws house about 11am on Thursday.  I was helping with the cooking.   I made some of the best mashed potatoes I ever head.  On the way over to dinner I started tearing up and then had to stop the tears from falling.  I didn't want my kids to see and I didn't want anyone to worry about me.  After all there isn't anyone that can change the facts.  And really unless you are a natural mom or adoptee you really can't understand the pain. 

I did talk to Alyssa and she got to see Owen for an hour on Thanksgiving.  I know that helped her so much.  Just being able to see him is a huge deal and gift to Owen and Alyssa.  She took the most beautiful picture of herself and Owen.  I now have that picture saved on my phone as the wallpaper.  I have to admit I was a little jealous that she got to at least see Owen on Thanksgiving Day.  I really hope that continues.

Thanksgiving at my in-laws is perfect and very picturesque.  Every one is dressed nice and the food is beyond great.  My younger sister and her friend were visiting from out of town so they joined me at my in-laws.  My sister's presence just eases my heart and mind.  She can understand me like few people can.  Especially someone that has never placed a child for adoption. She tries to understand without making excuses about why adoption is great.   She doesn't try to belittle my feelings or say I understand, but..... I hate it when I hear that but from other people.

On the way to have dessert with my family I did have a mini break down.  Just too many emotions going on but I pulled it together by the time I saw my family.  My family is a lot more relaxed and easy going.  There are no pretenses.  The meal is as just likely to end with a cake fight or civility.  No my family doesn't drink they are just a bunch of silly crazy people.  

On Friday was my husband and mine 17 year anniversary.  We didn't do anything big to celebrate we just spent time with his family and our 3 kids.  I did go shopping at 9am with my brother-in-law's girlfriend.  We just did some small shopping together.  It was really fun.

 I think I talked to Alyssa about 4 or 5 times that day on the phone.  We had a few deep conversations and just enjoyed talking to each other about our daily lives.  She had told me that she missed me over the holidays too.  That really made my weekend.  Alyssa at times has a hard time talking about her feelings with me, I sometimes think if I ask too many questions I will push her away.  As her natural mom I do sometimes a lot of times feel like I am less of a mom.  Alyssa told me, "You know mom just because you didn't change my (expletive) diapers 8 times a day doesn't make you any less of my mom."   Have I said that I love her so much.  I could never have asked for a better daughter. 

Saturday we spent the day making about 15 to 20 dozen pork and chicken tamales.  Every year between Thanksgiving and the first 2 weeks of December is Tamale Saturday.  We freeze them all and then have Tamale dinner on Christmas Eve with Jer's Mexican side of the family.  We also make sure there is enough leftover to have for dinner several times through out the year.  Even all of the kids helped out making the tamales this year.

Today we tried going back to church.  We have only been 2 or 3 times since Owen was born.  I couldn't make it through.  It's just not something I can handle right now.  And Owen is 4 months today, probably not the best day to try to go back.  Not when my emotions are this close to the surface.  I was able to go after I placed Alyssa but not this time.  Not after living through the loss, heart ache, and splitting apart families twice.