For adoptees from a natural moms point of view on reunion.

Every single adoption situation is different.  I am not talking about foster care adoption, kinship adoptions, or international adoptions.  What I am talking about is what it is like for me with a domestic newborn adoption.  A mother with high potential that loved her child enough to give her up.  Yeah I hate that saying too, loved you enough to walk away.  Loved you enough to abandon you.  That saying definitely screws with your head.  How could you trust anyone when you are told if you are truly loved you will be left, abandoned.  It even screws with natural moms heads too.

Adoptees realize that most of your natural mothers loved you more than anything.  They were trying to do what was best.  Most of us didn't realize the full consequences for us, you, or your siblings.  There are a few land mines I want to point out to you.  First please don't tell your natural mom thanks for not aborting me.  For many of us that is not a decision that entered our mind ever.  I know not even for 1 day did I consider that, I loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was conceived.  Yes I was scared but never thought of having an abortion,

This road of reunion seems very uphill and unpaved.    It is scary for a lot of us.  Even us moms that have followed you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to get to know you.  It is still VERY scary.  One thing that does hurt is being told "thanks for giving me to this great family, I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else".  We want to know about your childhood and your adoptive family but take it slow.  When we are told thanks for giving me to this great family it sometimes feels like you are saying thanks for hurting, I appreciate it.  Of course we don't want you to be abused we do want you to have an amazing childhood with everything that money can buy.  We want you to feel wanted and loved.  Just take it a little bit slow.  We are like a deer  in head lights sometimes.

Sometimes it does feel easier to run far away and deal with the aspects of adoption with reunion.  We have buried many demons deep inside ourselves.  In reunion these things come unburied and out in the open.  I'm not talking about the child we buried in our past coming to haunt us.  That is not it at all.  It is the way we have coped with the loss of our child.  For some of us we buried ourselves in religion, others went into drugs and alcohol after relinquishment, some went really sexually active.  Obviously we weren't virgins but many of us only slept with a few men before we got pregnant.  Once we relinquished our parental rights we slept with many, many men.  We lost our self esteem.  There have been many of us that got in abusive/co-dependant relationships.  We do many things to cover up our pain.

I'm sure there are some women that have not fallen into these categories after relinquishment I just haven't meant any.  I do understand how finding religion and holding onto that tightly feels safe, you feel as if nothing can hurt you again. But so often it is just as bad a drug. 

Those of us that also suffered sexual abuse before we became natural parents have a whole other set of demons to deal with.  You don't know which of these categories your mom falls into until after you are in reunion.  My daughter did not know of my sexual abuse until 6 months after we "met" on face book.  I did not tell her but my sister did.  I didn't want my daughter to feel sorry for me.  It happened, it was on the past, and it is time to move on.  I felt as if I needed to be strong for my daughter in every aspect  of my life and if she knew about that I couldn't be strong for her.

This is a relationship like none other.  It is a mother child relationship and we do remember you but you don't have memories of us.  We don't have shared experiences.  We might be in different social classes too.  That can put a strain on the relationship.  You might be very conservative and your natural family can be very liberal.  This can be another obstacle. 

After my daughter had Owen we were talking one day about how I always stayed in touch through letters but her adoptive sister's natural mom didn't write many letters and they don't even know her adoptive sister had a birth name.  As we talked we discussed how sometimes it is easier to walk away from the pain than continually deal with the wound of a relinquished child.  A child you feel you will never know.  A child you feel you have no rights to get to know.  We also discussed that maybe her sister was named but the agency didn't allow the adoptive family to know her name.  This was 20 years ago.

Adoptees please also know that the mom you meet now as an adult is a very different person than the mom that relinquished you.  We have had to deal with a lifetime of pain.  That does change us.  I am not trying to say that adoptees don't feel abandoned or without pain.  We know you had no choice in this.  Just understand we hurt too.  We want acceptance, we want love.

My daughter had told me when she was younger that she didn't feel like she always had the right to write me.  She felt like she was invading my privacy.  I felt like I was invading her family and her when I wrote.  I felt like I was being intrusive.  Every letter I wrote I rewrote at least 5 times.  I was so afraid of saying anything wrong.  I was afraid that all contact would be cut off if everything wasn't sugar coated and happy.  

This can be an amazing relationship but take it slow.  Get to know each other.  Find your likes and dislikes.  Find out what you have in common and build on those things.  For me and my daughter being together in my house and  my town for a few days without outside distractions has built our relationship.  My daughter has seen how we function as a family and how she fits in.  She sees why she does things the way she does.  She sees where she gets her looks and personality from.  I hope she knows how much all of us love her.  She does have the love of many, from her adoptive family, my family, my husbands family, and her dad's family.  We wouldn't be  the same without her in our life.

I love you my Alyssa.

Lost generations

About 2 years ago I was on a yahoo search group for adoptees and natural families looking for each other.  Within the first couple of months there was a natural mom who found her 19 year old  twin daughters that she placed for adoption.  As she was reuniting with them she found out one of her daughters was pregnant and considering placing her child for adoption.  As I read it I thought about the tragedy of the whole situation.  I couldn't imagine the natural mothers pain.  I wanted to yell through my screen to go kidnap her daughter and don't allow the adoption to go through.  I know that sounds irrational but that is what I was thinking.   It is one thing to place your child, you are naive of the affects and feelings.  You are naive on how long the feeling of loss and loneliness will last.  You are naive about the self esteem problems after placement of being a natural mom.  You are also naive on how adoption will affect all of your children.  To know and feel everything and then watch your child go through the same thing.  I could not have imagined anything worse. 

I heard the same story over and over again,  adoptees becoming natural parents, or as one adoptee writes on her blog an abandoned abandoner.  The stories that I have heard and now experienced is the natural mother is against her child placing.  The adoptive parents are in support of their adoptive child placing.  I am not saying adoptive parents are bad this is just what I have seen.  I know it was like this with my daughter.  I was absolutely against the adoption.  That had nothing against the PAPs.  It was simple I did not want my daughter to ever have the loss of placing her first born.  I never wanted her to understand my pain on such a deep level.  I would rather she cut me out of her life entirely than to suffer for the rest of her life as a natural mom.  I never wanted anyone I love, especially my children, to understand this loss fully.  I couldn't imagine ever losing another person to adoption again.  I didn't thing it would be possible to handle the loss of adoption more than once in your life.

I was very mad at my daughter's adoptive parents, did they think that just because I was strong enough to place my child and live a really good life it didn't mean that my daughter should do the same thing.  I'm not as angry with them now.  But those were my feelings when my daughter was pregnant.

It's interesting Alyssa and I were talking when Owen was 6 weeks old and Cassie asked me what I would do if she ever got pregnant before she was married.  I just looked at her and told her I would love her, we are family and we would help her any way humanly possible.  Alyssa told me that she would never allow her sister to experience the pain of adoption.  She would do whatever it took so her little sister would not ever place her child. 

December 6 - Happy Birthday

Today is my nieces 23rd birthday.  She is a lot more like my little sister than my niece.  She was born when I was in 7th grade and 12 years old.  We really have grown up together.  She is amazing and smart.  She was always a leader and the kid that got straight A's.  She now owns her own business with her boyfriend, yes at 23 years old.  They have been together for 5 years. She is mildly very stubborn, I don't know where she gets that from ;).  She is absolutely beautiful too on the inside and out.  I just adore her and I am so glad she is part of my family and feels comfortable enough to talk to me about everything.  I love you so much Cheri!!!

It is also my nephews birthday today.  He is 15 years old and was lost to adoption.  15 years ago I was not out spoken against adoption.  I was still in the world of unicorn and butterflies of adoption.  I was for adoption and thought it was one of the best things for mother and child.  Obviously I have grown and changed alot.  I was the Lamaze coach when my nephew was born.  He was the third baby I saw being born other than my own kids.   I never spoke out to my brother's girlfriend about the loss that would be felt.   Neither my brother or his ex-girlfriend had another child after this one was placed. 

I don't know what my nephew looks like or where he lives.  I do not know his adoptive name neither does his natural mom.  I wonder about him alot.  I wonder what he is like and what is he doing.  I wonder if he is tall and thin like my brother.  Does he have blond hair and blue eyes like my brother or brown hair and brown eyes like his natural mom. I do want to meet him one day.  What is his personality like?  Does he have dyslexia like both of my brothers and one of my sons?  Is he the quiet trouble maker or calm and mellow.  Has he been to the emergency room recently for dumb teenage boy stuff.  Has he ever lit a rocket in his hand like his dad did around the same age?  Does he like fire works and anything that explodes?  Is he a practicing LDS teenager or has he gone more like his natural parents and stepped away from the church he was raised in?  Does he always have a book in his hand?  What doe he like to read?  What kind of grades does he have?  Is he great in math like his dad was?  Is he crafty and arty like his mom?

 I hope he looks for us.  Even if everyone isn't ready to meet him I sure am and I think my parents would love to know him too.  He is 9 months older then my second son and just 4 months older then another nephew.  John if you ever look for your natural family please know we love you and always have.  You have never been forgotten. 

I have been told that I don’t understand modern day adoption.  I have been told what I write about is all in the past.  So I guess now we do not change birth certificates.  Everyone has access to their OBC, right.  Adoptees are absolutely equal to every other US citizen.  PAP are not ever encouraged to be in the delivery room and that puts no pressure on expectant women to place their child. 

Our laws are still against expectant mothers.  Woman are still given papers to relinquish their children while they are in the hospital, while their child is in the hospital.  While they are still recovering from the delivery.  They are given the papers while PAP are outside of the room, in the hospital.  No that does not speak of pressure and coercion at all.  Obviously things have changed a lot.  It seems to be a lot more sly with coercion.  While woman are crying hysterically they are given papers to relinquish their child.  Yes that is happening today in our society.

Why is there not a waiting period after you sign the papers before your rights are relinquished in every state?  Why do dads have barely any legal rights to their children?  Why do case workers not always tell mothers that once the papers are signed they will not be able to get their child’s OBC?  That is told after the papers are signed.  Why are woman told not to put the fathers name on the OBC if they are planning to place their child for adoption?  Yes that does happen in 2010.  How are these children going to feel in 18 years or more when they find out their father is not on their OBC.  Will they question their moms honesty and wonder if their mom’s even know who their dad is? 

Four years ago I could  not buy a car in California in the evening because there was a too high of chance that I was making a decision when I was too tired.  Mothers are allowed to sign relinquishment papers in 2010 when they have slept 6 hours in the last 72 hours and had barely ate 400 of calories food in the last 3 days. 

I can not imagine a natural mother being okay with letting their adult child relinquish their parental rights.  I’m sure it happens but the natural mother that does allow  that has to be rare.  Most of us are not  okay with seeing our children experience the same pain as us.  Adoption agencies encourage natural mothers to sit on panels and share the great experience of adoption with other mothers.  As natural mothers we wouldn’t want our children to go through it but some natural mothers encourage our friends and other women?

I was also told Utah has great laws for parents giving up their rights.  Is that why adoption agencies actually bring expectant mothers to Utah because of the laws protecting or exploiting natural mothers? 

Maybe now a day’s  adoption are different because agencies do not sell babies?  There is no money exchanged ever for a child, right.   There are no receipts for children, no checks being written, and no loans taken out to buy a baby.  Obviously adoption is very different than 18 years ago.

While we are on the subject different races of children all sell for different prices?  Why? Why is one child worth more than others in the agencies and PAPs eyes?

I have been told that women will live in poverty when they keep their children.  Of course that is possible and it does happen. Does it make them bad parents?  I have known several women that started off as teenage moms.  That lived in poverty, they fought for everything they had.  They were amazing moms too.  And now they are lawyers and business owners.  Their kids could not have been prouder because they have seen what their mothers have overcame .  They have seen the struggles and accomplishments of their moms.  Is that a bad lesson to teach your children?

I have also been told if adoptive couples close the adoption they can still adopt another child through the same agency.  I’m sorry but wtf?  They have proven to an adoption agency they are liars and unethical but  the adoption agency still will allow them to adopt they just put a note in their file for future natural mom.  Obviously adoption is not at all about money right?  One set of natural parent and their families have been crushed when the adoption closes but the agency will still sell another child to the same couple. 

I do not mean to say that infertile couples are mean or abusive.  I absolutely know they are not.  I do know they just want a child of their own.  Most couples would be just as happy to have a child of their own naturally without adoption.  Adoption is about the child and not the adoptive parents.  But if adoption is about the child and there is only 1 infant child for every 30 to  40 couples trying to adopt why aren’t the same  couples looking into teenage/older child adoption through foster care?

Don’t those kids deserve a home just as much as a cute cuddly newborn?  Is it because you can see the loss and sadness that foster kids have,  where as all newborns cry the same.  You don’t see the loss in newborns eyes.  Everyone takes it as “your” child because you adopted the child as a newborn not an older child.  Yes adoption has changed so much in the last 18 years.

Reunion and the things I wish I would have known

I did read alot of books about reunion.  There was alot that was not in them.  Yes I understood that no reunion is perfect.  I understood "the honeymoon stage".  I understood that I may want my daughter around more than she wanted me around.  Or she would want more from me than I could give her.  I was prepared for those things. 

What I wasn't prepared for was the regrets and questioning that would come with it.  I do not regret meeting my daughter, I regret not raising her.  I do not regret talking with her every day.  I regret the previous 18 years of not being there for my daughter.  I do not regret getting texts from her.  I do not regret trying to understand adoption from her point of view.   Honestly to acknowledge and come to terms with how my decision to relinquish her actually hurts her, totally sucks.   It hurts me horribly, but I'm sure nothing like living with the knowledge "your mom loved you enough to abandon you".  I never had any intention to hurt her.   I do not regret seeing her as much as humanly possible now.  I was trying to do what I was told would be best.  I was told by church leaders and the adults around me and trying to do the best for her.   

I regret breaking the sacred bond that comes with being a mother.  I regret that she has a sealed birth certificate.  I regret that she does not know the stories of her families.  Yes I seriously think children should be kept with their mothers just because they are biologically theirs,tThat one "minor" factor.

I was told how she needed a mother and father.  Didn't occure to me that she already had that.  I was told that she would need a stay at home mom.  Kids do not need stay at home moms to be complete.   I was told that she would need material things.  Of course she would need material things but I wasn't told that she would need ME.  She needed the mother/child bond not to be broken.  She needed security and safety  from the only person she knew, that was me. 

Deep down I always knew adoption wasn't as great as it was made out to be.   But it was buried pretty deep down.  Once I met my daughter the questions I have had came screaming out.  Why was it okay to tell a 16 year old that God was using my body to bring a couple their child?  The child was not theirs.  God did not use my body as a vessel to supply any infertile woman with a child.  That is absolutely crazy.  Or how bout I wasn't capable to mother her?  Really????? I wasn't capable?  I needed support is what I needed.  Or from my bishop he told me that waking up so many times in the middle of the night I would want to hurt my baby, because I would do it alone.  Funny thing is I was the only one that ever got up with my kids when they were babies.  Just cause a man is sleeping in my bed doesnot make me less capable of getting up at night with my babies to nurse them.  What is a man going to do for a breatfed baby anyways?  They aren't going to nurse the baby, so I was married and still the only one getting up with them.  And guess what I didn't hurt them or get angry with them.

I was asked how I would support my daughter for the next 18 years?  I didn't know, I couldn't answer that.  How was I going to put my daughter through college?  My daughter's Aparents aren't putting her through college either.    So I guess neither of us should have been her parents, right.  Should they now relinquish their parental rights? 

When I was pregnant the next 3 times I didn't have those answers either.  But somehow we are managing on a daily basis.   I didn't have a college fund for each child before they were conceived.  I did not know how we would manage, we had no money when we had the next 3 kids.  Sometimes I didn't know how we would make it through the month.  Does that make me unfit to be a mother to them too? 

Last night was a bit rough.  Cassie and Kenny were both crazy emotional and they both needed me to spend time alone with them and comfort them.  No they were not upset about adoption but normal teenage angst.  I was having major stomach problems on top of it all.  I finally got everyone calmed down and went to sleep around midnight. 

This morning when I woke up everything was normal in fact better than normal.  Cassie woke up early and happy which is very rare for her.  It has been quite a good morning to say the least.  She usually despises mornings and is just awful to be around. 

This morning I was thinking how lucky Alyssa and I are even with this whole mess of adoption.  First of all not only has my husband totally accepted her as his own but she has accepted him.  He never thought of her as a ghost from my past that will come back to haunt us.  I never had to ask for his forgiveness for having a child before I met him.  He was just as excited as me when we finally met her.  He is so supportive of our relationship and all 4 kids having a great sibling relationship.  When the 6 of us are together you couldn't  tell which 3 kids are his biologically and which one is not. 

When Alyssa contacted her grandfather on her dad's side he immediately accepted her.  She has been in contact with her aunt, uncle, and even her father.  She has not met any of them in person but they have still accepted her.  Her dad is in jail and I'm not sure if she is totally ready to meet him in jail yet or not.  But he does live  the closest to her.  She is in Utah and he is in as she calls it Boise State.  Her grandparents on her dad's side live in New Mexico, her uncle lives in Oklahoma, I don't remember where her aunt lives right now

When Alyssa first got in contact with  her paternal side I told her do not give them my contact information.  Even 19 years later I did not want contact with her father because of how he was when I knew him. I had absolutely hoped he had changed and grew up.  I had hoped he would be a good functioning member of society.  I hoped for my daughter that he would be a great example to her.

I am still not in contact with her dad at all but she is and she writes him letters.  I am glad he writes her back and accepts her.  She is the only one of his 8 kids that is in contact with him.  Her Uncle Mike on his side has been awesome to her.  I am in contact with him also.  He is helping us find her family history.   I can trace my roots back to the 1600's and pretty easily come up with a family tree that has names, dates, kids, and spouses.  Her dad's family doesn't have that yet.  So he is helping us find names and dates of her great grandparents.  I figure we can work farther back after that.  We did find out that her great grandmother is full Cherokee Indian.  She also has Native American blood ties on her dad's father's side.  I just want  to help her find names. I think she deserves to have that.   She also is 1/4 Danish on my side.    She is definitely a mix of a little of everything.

Her family history is not the same as her adoptive parents.  They have their family history and stories so why should my daughter not just because she was adopted?  I think in ways it is more important for her to have it because her ties have been cut from her natural family.  She didn't grow up with stories of her ancestors.  She didn't grow up with  knowing any natural  family.  She deserved to have had these since birth so it is now time to start looking, after all she has waited almost 19 years.

I have found there to be both good and bad in this blog world.  I know I put myself out there by having this opened to the public.  I have also found some amazing womae, adoptees, natural moms, and adoptive moms through blogging.  I have seen a side of my oldest daughter that I wouldn't have seen without this blogging world.  I do love to read her words.  I try to see things in her perspective and make sure I take nothing personally.  It's her feelings and her views.

I found a good friend through this blogging world too.  I have been able to see adoption through adoptees point of view.  I am very grateful adult adoptees have been able to have the courage to express themselves through blogging.  I do know how scary it is to sometimes write my feelings down and hopefully not get beaten up for them.  I'm sure it is so much harder for adoptees than it is for me.  Adoption is about the adoptee.  I have seen the good, bad, and ugly through their personal experiences. 

Through the sadness and pain of adoption I have found a way to make a difference too.   I hope I can make a difference to even one person that won't see them selves as less than because of a metal bind on their left hand.    I won't give out the details yet.  It's not my idea, but Melynda's idea, and when she is ready to launch it I will write more about it.  I am definitely excited about it and can't wait to help her with this idea.