For adoptees from a natural moms point of view on reunion.

Every single adoption situation is different.  I am not talking about foster care adoption, kinship adoptions, or international adoptions.  What I am talking about is what it is like for me with a domestic newborn adoption.  A mother with high potential that loved her child enough to give her up.  Yeah I hate that saying too, loved you enough to walk away.  Loved you enough to abandon you.  That saying definitely screws with your head.  How could you trust anyone when you are told if you are truly loved you will be left, abandoned.  It even screws with natural moms heads too.

Adoptees realize that most of your natural mothers loved you more than anything.  They were trying to do what was best.  Most of us didn't realize the full consequences for us, you, or your siblings.  There are a few land mines I want to point out to you.  First please don't tell your natural mom thanks for not aborting me.  For many of us that is not a decision that entered our mind ever.  I know not even for 1 day did I consider that, I loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was conceived.  Yes I was scared but never thought of having an abortion,

This road of reunion seems very uphill and unpaved.    It is scary for a lot of us.  Even us moms that have followed you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to get to know you.  It is still VERY scary.  One thing that does hurt is being told "thanks for giving me to this great family, I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else".  We want to know about your childhood and your adoptive family but take it slow.  When we are told thanks for giving me to this great family it sometimes feels like you are saying thanks for hurting, I appreciate it.  Of course we don't want you to be abused we do want you to have an amazing childhood with everything that money can buy.  We want you to feel wanted and loved.  Just take it a little bit slow.  We are like a deer  in head lights sometimes.

Sometimes it does feel easier to run far away and deal with the aspects of adoption with reunion.  We have buried many demons deep inside ourselves.  In reunion these things come unburied and out in the open.  I'm not talking about the child we buried in our past coming to haunt us.  That is not it at all.  It is the way we have coped with the loss of our child.  For some of us we buried ourselves in religion, others went into drugs and alcohol after relinquishment, some went really sexually active.  Obviously we weren't virgins but many of us only slept with a few men before we got pregnant.  Once we relinquished our parental rights we slept with many, many men.  We lost our self esteem.  There have been many of us that got in abusive/co-dependant relationships.  We do many things to cover up our pain.

I'm sure there are some women that have not fallen into these categories after relinquishment I just haven't meant any.  I do understand how finding religion and holding onto that tightly feels safe, you feel as if nothing can hurt you again. But so often it is just as bad a drug. 

Those of us that also suffered sexual abuse before we became natural parents have a whole other set of demons to deal with.  You don't know which of these categories your mom falls into until after you are in reunion.  My daughter did not know of my sexual abuse until 6 months after we "met" on face book.  I did not tell her but my sister did.  I didn't want my daughter to feel sorry for me.  It happened, it was on the past, and it is time to move on.  I felt as if I needed to be strong for my daughter in every aspect  of my life and if she knew about that I couldn't be strong for her.

This is a relationship like none other.  It is a mother child relationship and we do remember you but you don't have memories of us.  We don't have shared experiences.  We might be in different social classes too.  That can put a strain on the relationship.  You might be very conservative and your natural family can be very liberal.  This can be another obstacle. 

After my daughter had Owen we were talking one day about how I always stayed in touch through letters but her adoptive sister's natural mom didn't write many letters and they don't even know her adoptive sister had a birth name.  As we talked we discussed how sometimes it is easier to walk away from the pain than continually deal with the wound of a relinquished child.  A child you feel you will never know.  A child you feel you have no rights to get to know.  We also discussed that maybe her sister was named but the agency didn't allow the adoptive family to know her name.  This was 20 years ago.

Adoptees please also know that the mom you meet now as an adult is a very different person than the mom that relinquished you.  We have had to deal with a lifetime of pain.  That does change us.  I am not trying to say that adoptees don't feel abandoned or without pain.  We know you had no choice in this.  Just understand we hurt too.  We want acceptance, we want love.

My daughter had told me when she was younger that she didn't feel like she always had the right to write me.  She felt like she was invading my privacy.  I felt like I was invading her family and her when I wrote.  I felt like I was being intrusive.  Every letter I wrote I rewrote at least 5 times.  I was so afraid of saying anything wrong.  I was afraid that all contact would be cut off if everything wasn't sugar coated and happy.  

This can be an amazing relationship but take it slow.  Get to know each other.  Find your likes and dislikes.  Find out what you have in common and build on those things.  For me and my daughter being together in my house and  my town for a few days without outside distractions has built our relationship.  My daughter has seen how we function as a family and how she fits in.  She sees why she does things the way she does.  She sees where she gets her looks and personality from.  I hope she knows how much all of us love her.  She does have the love of many, from her adoptive family, my family, my husbands family, and her dad's family.  We wouldn't be  the same without her in our life.

I love you my Alyssa.