We know why most, not all, people look into adoption is because they for one reason or another can't have kids of their own. Some people are past prime when they start trying to have kids. We now know that late 20's your fertility rate starts to decline. For some reason not every bodies body can have a baby even in their early 20's and with all medical advances. Some of us are very fertile, as my mom calls it Fertile Myrtle. I do hav empathy for these families. I have seen these struggles in people that I love and admire. Do I think anyone deserves to suffer infertility? No I do not.
In absence of being able to have their own child people choose adoption. Adoption does give a wanting family a child. It absolutely gives a family a baby to call their own, as if born to. It gives a woman a new name, mom. It gives her a child to raise, to hold, to love. But it does not change her fertility. She still will look at her child and see someone else's eyes, hair, skin. She will love the child of course but the baby will be wired differently than her own children would have been. Even if you have a child from birth the child will think differently because he doesn't have your personality make up, just like he doesn't have your genetics. Yes the child will have some things in common just like you have things in common with your friends even though you are not related. You might find you both love the same music, TV shows, and have the same sense of humor. Will your politics, religion of choice, and values be the same? Will you have problems with that? Will you feel less than, because you could give a child a home but not give birth to that child.
Even if you raise a child from birth and you are the only mother and father they know it will not change the facts they are not totally yours. The child will always have another family out there, another mother and father. Adoption brings up a whole new set of questions and self esteem issues for the adoptive parents. Will you wonder if your child will love you as much as they love their natural family? Will there be jealousy? Will you feel as if you are enough in society's eyes? Adoption does bring a new different set of questions and misgivings for all 4 parents. It brings up problems for the natural parents not just the adoptive parents and it can bring up issues for the adoptee too.
Adoption does not get rid of your infertility. If your child gets pregnant before marriage will it bring up your infertility issues, will you feel less than? Will you be jealous of your child? Will you consider their child your grandchild?
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Wednesday, December 15, 2010
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Importance of Family
I am not going to talk about adoption on this post. I know you are shocked right. My parents have always taught us family first. Nothing is more important than that and family will always be there for you no matter what. I want to talk about my little sister Laurel and how she is teaching this to her kids.
Laurel separated from her boyfriend 6 months ago, they were together for 5 year. They have 2 great kids ages 2 1/2 and 5 years old. Oh I just adore those two little boys. They are so cute and have amazing imaginations. My sister has the boys for Christmas and they live in Northern Oregon. She doesn't have any extended family up there so she is going to drive 10 hours to be with the rest of the family for Christmas in California. We do see her and her sons every couple of months. She has gone out of the way to show her boys how important family is. She doesn't tell them but shows them by example.
She has already set up in her boys life teenagers and adults that her boys will trust and can turn to as they get older. Her ex-boyfriends parents want to see their grand kids for Christmas time. She could be the total brat and say well I have them for the Christmas. Instead she told them she can visit with them either on the way to or from Oregon depending on their schedule. She understood how important it is for her kids, their grand kids, to see and get to know each other. It's not about the adults breaking up but the kids having family and feeling loved. Just because parents are separated does not mean that children should lose out on their heritage and bonds that came with family. I am so proud about her decisions she is making for her sons.
Laurel separated from her boyfriend 6 months ago, they were together for 5 year. They have 2 great kids ages 2 1/2 and 5 years old. Oh I just adore those two little boys. They are so cute and have amazing imaginations. My sister has the boys for Christmas and they live in Northern Oregon. She doesn't have any extended family up there so she is going to drive 10 hours to be with the rest of the family for Christmas in California. We do see her and her sons every couple of months. She has gone out of the way to show her boys how important family is. She doesn't tell them but shows them by example.
She has already set up in her boys life teenagers and adults that her boys will trust and can turn to as they get older. Her ex-boyfriends parents want to see their grand kids for Christmas time. She could be the total brat and say well I have them for the Christmas. Instead she told them she can visit with them either on the way to or from Oregon depending on their schedule. She understood how important it is for her kids, their grand kids, to see and get to know each other. It's not about the adults breaking up but the kids having family and feeling loved. Just because parents are separated does not mean that children should lose out on their heritage and bonds that came with family. I am so proud about her decisions she is making for her sons.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Keary - A father fighting for his rights
I do not know this person personally and I do not have all of the details. This father is from Oregon and so is his daughter. He did not sign away his rights. As a mother of 2 sons I have empathy. A mothers rights should never been taken away by a father to place a child for adoption. A fathers rights should never be taken away either. This child went a cross state lines and was placed for adoption in Utah. This is not an immediate adoption but the adoption took place at two months old. The father helped to take care of her and wanted to raise her.
Below is his story.
My name is Keary Watson, and I am the proud father of a beautiful baby girl named Elizabeth Renee Watson.
She was born on August 11th 2010.
I want to start out by thanking you for taking the time to visit this site and taking the time to hear my story.I love my daughter dearly and will do everything in my power to have her home with me where she belongs.
My daughter Elizabeth has recently been placed with a family for adoption without my knowledge or consent.
Her mother, Rebecca Prestwich, made the terrible decision (because of strong pressure by her Mormon family) to "sell" my daughter to a family within the LDS church in the state of Utah without my knowledge or consent. Rebecca has signed away her parental rights and placed Elizabeth with a wealthy adoptive family. She did this AFTER Elizabeth was two months old. As Elizabeth’s father I cannot comprehend how Rebecca could make the choice to sell our beautiful daughter away to strangers. These actions sadden my heart. I have always made Rebecca aware that I am Elizabeth's father and will always take care of my child. I cannot understand why she would have chosen this option but sadly she has.
I pray that Rebecca can live with the decisions that she has made and I seek comfort in knowing that I will correct the bad choice Rebecca has made and will never give up trying to do so.
It appears as though I have a bigger battle ahead of me to get Elizabeth back home than I ever imagined.
Over the last two weeks I have been made aware of A LOT of other cases similar to mine.
This is prevalent throughout the U.S. with many birth mothers doing this in the state of Utah because of laws that exclude birth fathers. I am fighting for my legal rights as her biological father to get my daughter back. I did NOT give up my daughter for adoption. I would NEVER give my daughter up for adoption.
I am her natural father and I am her recognized legal father on her birth certificate.
I have been a part of my daughter's life since the moment of conception and have continued to be her father in the fight to get her back home with me where she belongs.
Please help me to spread the word and what I am fighting for.
From reading other cases it is people like you who are helping make a difference. Again, I would like to thank you in advance for any help you give. Words cannot express my gratitude.
I am requesting donations to cover legal expenses, travel and accommodations in Utah where my daughter is being kept. Please visit the link if you can help.
http://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/08e22911a5dc42a39688c50f0549fe92
I would also like to ask everyone to take the time to write the Utah Attorney Generals office and the US Department of Justice about my case. The more people start talking about baby brokering/human trafficking by people abusing Utah laws - the more the authorities are going to look into it.
Thank you,
Keary Kase Watson.
Attorney General’s Office E-Mail: uag@utah.gov
Justice Mr. Dustin Pead
US Department of Justice
185 South State Street, Suite 400
Salt Lake City, Utah.84111
Phone: 801-524-6924 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 801-524-6924 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Fax: 801-524-5682
Various Other Representatives :
lfowlke@utah.gov, react@reason.com, subscribe@reason.com, letters@reason.com, rmenlove@utah.gov, bcferry@utah.gov, jdraxler@utah.gov, fhunsaker@utah.gov, curtwebb@utah.gov, kwgibson@utah.gov, gdonneson@utah.gov, gfroerer@utah.gov, neilhansen@utah.gov, lshurtliff@utah.gov, bdee@utah.gov, rgreenwood@utah.gov, pray@utah.gov, coda@utah.gov, daagard@utah.gov, kgarn@utah.gov, jfisher@utah.gov, rogerbarrus@utah.gov, sherylallen@utah.gov, pauln@utah.gov, jgowans@utah.gov, cduckworth@utah.gov, jseelig@utah.gov, rbecker@utah.gov, christinejohnson@utah.gov, dlitvack@utah.gov, jdougall@utah.gov, rozmcgee@xmission.com, janicefisher@utah.gov, jbiskupski@utah.gov, lwiley@utah.gov, ronbigelow@utah.gov, nhendrickson@utah.gov, koryholdaway@comcast.net, markwheatley@utah.gov, priesen@utah.gov, csmoss@utah.gov, ehutchings@utah.gov, jdunnigan@utah.gov, lhemingway@utah.gov, toddkiser@utah.gov, jbird@utah.gov, wharper@utah.gov, tcosgrove@utah.gov, mwalker@utah.gov, karenmorgan@utah.gov, merlynnnewbold@utah.gov, greghughes@utah.gov, cwimmer@utah.gov, melbrown@utah.gov, gsnow@utah.gov, jmathis@utah.gov, ksumsion@utah.gov, cfrank@utah.gov, ssandstrom@utah.gov, bdaw@utah.gov, keithgrover@utah.gov, cherrod@utah.gov, sclark@utah.gov, blockhart@utah.gov, atilton@utah.gov, mikemorley@utah.gov, ppainter@utah.gov, bwinn@utah.gov, brad.king@ceu.edu, kaymciff@utah.gov, blast@utah.gov, bbowman@utah.gov, mnoel@kanab.net, dclark@utah.gov, surquhart@utah.gov
Below is his story.
My name is Keary Watson, and I am the proud father of a beautiful baby girl named Elizabeth Renee Watson.
She was born on August 11th 2010.
I want to start out by thanking you for taking the time to visit this site and taking the time to hear my story.I love my daughter dearly and will do everything in my power to have her home with me where she belongs.
My daughter Elizabeth has recently been placed with a family for adoption without my knowledge or consent.
Her mother, Rebecca Prestwich, made the terrible decision (because of strong pressure by her Mormon family) to "sell" my daughter to a family within the LDS church in the state of Utah without my knowledge or consent. Rebecca has signed away her parental rights and placed Elizabeth with a wealthy adoptive family. She did this AFTER Elizabeth was two months old. As Elizabeth’s father I cannot comprehend how Rebecca could make the choice to sell our beautiful daughter away to strangers. These actions sadden my heart. I have always made Rebecca aware that I am Elizabeth's father and will always take care of my child. I cannot understand why she would have chosen this option but sadly she has.
I pray that Rebecca can live with the decisions that she has made and I seek comfort in knowing that I will correct the bad choice Rebecca has made and will never give up trying to do so.
It appears as though I have a bigger battle ahead of me to get Elizabeth back home than I ever imagined.
Over the last two weeks I have been made aware of A LOT of other cases similar to mine.
This is prevalent throughout the U.S. with many birth mothers doing this in the state of Utah because of laws that exclude birth fathers. I am fighting for my legal rights as her biological father to get my daughter back. I did NOT give up my daughter for adoption. I would NEVER give my daughter up for adoption.
I am her natural father and I am her recognized legal father on her birth certificate.
I have been a part of my daughter's life since the moment of conception and have continued to be her father in the fight to get her back home with me where she belongs.
Please help me to spread the word and what I am fighting for.
From reading other cases it is people like you who are helping make a difference. Again, I would like to thank you in advance for any help you give. Words cannot express my gratitude.
I am requesting donations to cover legal expenses, travel and accommodations in Utah where my daughter is being kept. Please visit the link if you can help.
http://apps.facebook.com/fundrazr/activity/08e22911a5dc42a39688c50f0549fe92
I would also like to ask everyone to take the time to write the Utah Attorney Generals office and the US Department of Justice about my case. The more people start talking about baby brokering/human trafficking by people abusing Utah laws - the more the authorities are going to look into it.
Thank you,
Keary Kase Watson.
Attorney General’s Office E-Mail: uag@utah.gov
Justice Mr. Dustin Pead
US Department of Justice
185 South State Street, Suite 400
Salt Lake City, Utah.84111
Phone: 801-524-6924 begin_of_the_skype_highlighting 801-524-6924 end_of_the_skype_highlighting
Fax: 801-524-5682
Various Other Representatives :
lfowlke@utah.gov, react@reason.com, subscribe@reason.com, letters@reason.com, rmenlove@utah.gov, bcferry@utah.gov, jdraxler@utah.gov, fhunsaker@utah.gov, curtwebb@utah.gov, kwgibson@utah.gov, gdonneson@utah.gov, gfroerer@utah.gov, neilhansen@utah.gov, lshurtliff@utah.gov, bdee@utah.gov, rgreenwood@utah.gov, pray@utah.gov, coda@utah.gov, daagard@utah.gov, kgarn@utah.gov, jfisher@utah.gov, rogerbarrus@utah.gov, sherylallen@utah.gov, pauln@utah.gov, jgowans@utah.gov, cduckworth@utah.gov, jseelig@utah.gov, rbecker@utah.gov, christinejohnson@utah.gov, dlitvack@utah.gov, jdougall@utah.gov, rozmcgee@xmission.com, janicefisher@utah.gov, jbiskupski@utah.gov, lwiley@utah.gov, ronbigelow@utah.gov, nhendrickson@utah.gov, koryholdaway@comcast.net, markwheatley@utah.gov, priesen@utah.gov, csmoss@utah.gov, ehutchings@utah.gov, jdunnigan@utah.gov, lhemingway@utah.gov, toddkiser@utah.gov, jbird@utah.gov, wharper@utah.gov, tcosgrove@utah.gov, mwalker@utah.gov, karenmorgan@utah.gov, merlynnnewbold@utah.gov, greghughes@utah.gov, cwimmer@utah.gov, melbrown@utah.gov, gsnow@utah.gov, jmathis@utah.gov, ksumsion@utah.gov, cfrank@utah.gov, ssandstrom@utah.gov, bdaw@utah.gov, keithgrover@utah.gov, cherrod@utah.gov, sclark@utah.gov, blockhart@utah.gov, atilton@utah.gov, mikemorley@utah.gov, ppainter@utah.gov, bwinn@utah.gov, brad.king@ceu.edu, kaymciff@utah.gov, blast@utah.gov, bbowman@utah.gov, mnoel@kanab.net, dclark@utah.gov, surquhart@utah.gov
Sunday, December 12, 2010
My crazy week
I have had quite a week with my kids. Alyssa is in Hawaii with her boyfriend. I have talked to her twice but not our normal multi-daily conversations. I am missing her a lot. I know she needs to get away to deal with the pain and loss of placing Owen. Holidays are so hard when you have lost all of your natural family to adoption.
Cassie has been dealing with major drama at middle school. She has a face book page, yes I know she is young but it was the only way a year ago to interact with her sister. I have allowed her to keep it but I have all her settings on private. I know her passwords and I check it at least daily. Sometimes I check it multiple times a day. A week ago last Friday a girl put up some really inappropriate things on my daughters page. I'm talking about cussing, calling names, everything. It was really bad and I won't repeat it here. I caught it within about 15 minutes of it being put on Cassie's wall. I put a message on this girls wall. It simply said what you wrote on my daughter's wall was very inappropriate and I will be bringing it to the principal on Monday.
I was really hoping this girls parents would be checking her face book page so they knew what was going on. My daughter goes to school in a great area in a really good neighborhood. The only problem is there are a lot of older parents that aren't into new technology. They don't know how to monitor their kids in cyberspace. Probably about 1/4 of the kids have been raised by nannies more than their parents.
Well my daughters friends saw the post that was put up on Cassie's page. They all defended my daughter. The problem was they took it too far. They were starting to respond back with mean things. I wanted the problem to be handled appropriately by adults. So I commented on the original post and just told everyone that it would be handled on Monday. What was written was wrong but not to do anything to this other child. Really picking on the other girl will help no one. I was afraid everything would be blown out of proportion by middle school drama.
What was really sweet was Alyssa commented too. She handled it very maturely but protected her little sister too. Later Alyssa told me sometimes it sucks being over 18 and having to be legally responsible for your actions. Oh baby I get that. All I wanted to do was protect my lil one from a mean drama filled middle school brat but I had to be the adult and treat this other kid the way I would want my daughter treated.
First thing Monday morning my husband and I went to the principal. She saw the posting and was not very happy about it. She said what was done was considered cyber bullying and I could go to the police also. I did not want to bring it that far. I thought the appropriate thing to do was let the school and parents deal with it.
It ends up that the things written was through the girls Ipod. Her Ipod was stolen a month before at the school. So someone did write those things through this girls account but we don't know who did it. The girls parents were embarrassed that this happened at all. I do totally get that. I would be humiliated if someone thought my kids were picking on anyone else. I would be embarresed that I wasn't watching what my kids put in cyber world.
That was Mondays and last weekends craziness.
My husband does out side sales, each Christmas I bake desert trays for his top 15 - 20 customers. I spend several weeks staying up all hours baking. I usually start baking at 7pm, after dinner is made and I'm off of work. Several nights this week I was up until past midnight baking. So far I have made 11 trays of desserts. Now my kids are asking for dessert trays for their friends and some of their teachers. Who needs sleep right?
My husband got a cold a week ago. Luckily he takes care of himself and doesn't complain much. He hardly ever takes time off of work and this is no different. He takes cold medicine and he is on his way with life. It seems that Alex, Kenny, and Cassie are getting colds too. They need a lot of attention when they aren't feeling well.
Cassie has started to hear alot of rumors about herself these past few weeks. None are true but it still is hard on her emotionally. I think there are a lot of us who know how cruel other teenagers can be, especially girls are to each other.
Cassie had a heart to heart with Kenny last night. They are 2 grades apart but only a year and a half apart in age. He is in high school and is mature and responsible in her eyes. I call them my twins because they are so much alike in their personality. They think alike and usually do their evil plans together too. They are either fighting with each other or plotting against some one.
Kenny came to me last night and said, "Mom Cassie is getting picked on (I already knew that) and I want to put something up as my face book status. I need your approval." He showed me what he wanted to write. Basically it said that his lil sister has had rumors spread about her none of it is true and he wants it to stop. Wow how many teen age boys would do that for their little sister. I asked him to change the wording slightly but overall it was okay. He wasn't asked to protect her, he wanted to. He didn't want his lil sis to be hurt and he felt it was appropriate to make it known on a public forum. Cassie said it is a little weird that her brother loves her so much. She said our family is odd because we like to be together and we always do things for each other. She told me it's weird normal families don't show they love each other like we do. We talk about everything too, nothing is off limits.
Yes as my niece tells me, we are "special".
Cassie has been dealing with major drama at middle school. She has a face book page, yes I know she is young but it was the only way a year ago to interact with her sister. I have allowed her to keep it but I have all her settings on private. I know her passwords and I check it at least daily. Sometimes I check it multiple times a day. A week ago last Friday a girl put up some really inappropriate things on my daughters page. I'm talking about cussing, calling names, everything. It was really bad and I won't repeat it here. I caught it within about 15 minutes of it being put on Cassie's wall. I put a message on this girls wall. It simply said what you wrote on my daughter's wall was very inappropriate and I will be bringing it to the principal on Monday.
I was really hoping this girls parents would be checking her face book page so they knew what was going on. My daughter goes to school in a great area in a really good neighborhood. The only problem is there are a lot of older parents that aren't into new technology. They don't know how to monitor their kids in cyberspace. Probably about 1/4 of the kids have been raised by nannies more than their parents.
Well my daughters friends saw the post that was put up on Cassie's page. They all defended my daughter. The problem was they took it too far. They were starting to respond back with mean things. I wanted the problem to be handled appropriately by adults. So I commented on the original post and just told everyone that it would be handled on Monday. What was written was wrong but not to do anything to this other child. Really picking on the other girl will help no one. I was afraid everything would be blown out of proportion by middle school drama.
What was really sweet was Alyssa commented too. She handled it very maturely but protected her little sister too. Later Alyssa told me sometimes it sucks being over 18 and having to be legally responsible for your actions. Oh baby I get that. All I wanted to do was protect my lil one from a mean drama filled middle school brat but I had to be the adult and treat this other kid the way I would want my daughter treated.
First thing Monday morning my husband and I went to the principal. She saw the posting and was not very happy about it. She said what was done was considered cyber bullying and I could go to the police also. I did not want to bring it that far. I thought the appropriate thing to do was let the school and parents deal with it.
It ends up that the things written was through the girls Ipod. Her Ipod was stolen a month before at the school. So someone did write those things through this girls account but we don't know who did it. The girls parents were embarrassed that this happened at all. I do totally get that. I would be humiliated if someone thought my kids were picking on anyone else. I would be embarresed that I wasn't watching what my kids put in cyber world.
That was Mondays and last weekends craziness.
My husband does out side sales, each Christmas I bake desert trays for his top 15 - 20 customers. I spend several weeks staying up all hours baking. I usually start baking at 7pm, after dinner is made and I'm off of work. Several nights this week I was up until past midnight baking. So far I have made 11 trays of desserts. Now my kids are asking for dessert trays for their friends and some of their teachers. Who needs sleep right?
My husband got a cold a week ago. Luckily he takes care of himself and doesn't complain much. He hardly ever takes time off of work and this is no different. He takes cold medicine and he is on his way with life. It seems that Alex, Kenny, and Cassie are getting colds too. They need a lot of attention when they aren't feeling well.
Cassie has started to hear alot of rumors about herself these past few weeks. None are true but it still is hard on her emotionally. I think there are a lot of us who know how cruel other teenagers can be, especially girls are to each other.
Cassie had a heart to heart with Kenny last night. They are 2 grades apart but only a year and a half apart in age. He is in high school and is mature and responsible in her eyes. I call them my twins because they are so much alike in their personality. They think alike and usually do their evil plans together too. They are either fighting with each other or plotting against some one.
Kenny came to me last night and said, "Mom Cassie is getting picked on (I already knew that) and I want to put something up as my face book status. I need your approval." He showed me what he wanted to write. Basically it said that his lil sister has had rumors spread about her none of it is true and he wants it to stop. Wow how many teen age boys would do that for their little sister. I asked him to change the wording slightly but overall it was okay. He wasn't asked to protect her, he wanted to. He didn't want his lil sis to be hurt and he felt it was appropriate to make it known on a public forum. Cassie said it is a little weird that her brother loves her so much. She said our family is odd because we like to be together and we always do things for each other. She told me it's weird normal families don't show they love each other like we do. We talk about everything too, nothing is off limits.
Yes as my niece tells me, we are "special".
Thursday, December 9, 2010
For adoptees from a natural moms point of view on reunion.
Every single adoption situation is different. I am not talking about foster care adoption, kinship adoptions, or international adoptions. What I am talking about is what it is like for me with a domestic newborn adoption. A mother with high potential that loved her child enough to give her up. Yeah I hate that saying too, loved you enough to walk away. Loved you enough to abandon you. That saying definitely screws with your head. How could you trust anyone when you are told if you are truly loved you will be left, abandoned. It even screws with natural moms heads too.
Adoptees realize that most of your natural mothers loved you more than anything. They were trying to do what was best. Most of us didn't realize the full consequences for us, you, or your siblings. There are a few land mines I want to point out to you. First please don't tell your natural mom thanks for not aborting me. For many of us that is not a decision that entered our mind ever. I know not even for 1 day did I consider that, I loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was conceived. Yes I was scared but never thought of having an abortion,
This road of reunion seems very uphill and unpaved. It is scary for a lot of us. Even us moms that have followed you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to get to know you. It is still VERY scary. One thing that does hurt is being told "thanks for giving me to this great family, I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else". We want to know about your childhood and your adoptive family but take it slow. When we are told thanks for giving me to this great family it sometimes feels like you are saying thanks for hurting, I appreciate it. Of course we don't want you to be abused we do want you to have an amazing childhood with everything that money can buy. We want you to feel wanted and loved. Just take it a little bit slow. We are like a deer in head lights sometimes.
Sometimes it does feel easier to run far away and deal with the aspects of adoption with reunion. We have buried many demons deep inside ourselves. In reunion these things come unburied and out in the open. I'm not talking about the child we buried in our past coming to haunt us. That is not it at all. It is the way we have coped with the loss of our child. For some of us we buried ourselves in religion, others went into drugs and alcohol after relinquishment, some went really sexually active. Obviously we weren't virgins but many of us only slept with a few men before we got pregnant. Once we relinquished our parental rights we slept with many, many men. We lost our self esteem. There have been many of us that got in abusive/co-dependant relationships. We do many things to cover up our pain.
I'm sure there are some women that have not fallen into these categories after relinquishment I just haven't meant any. I do understand how finding religion and holding onto that tightly feels safe, you feel as if nothing can hurt you again. But so often it is just as bad a drug.
Those of us that also suffered sexual abuse before we became natural parents have a whole other set of demons to deal with. You don't know which of these categories your mom falls into until after you are in reunion. My daughter did not know of my sexual abuse until 6 months after we "met" on face book. I did not tell her but my sister did. I didn't want my daughter to feel sorry for me. It happened, it was on the past, and it is time to move on. I felt as if I needed to be strong for my daughter in every aspect of my life and if she knew about that I couldn't be strong for her.
This is a relationship like none other. It is a mother child relationship and we do remember you but you don't have memories of us. We don't have shared experiences. We might be in different social classes too. That can put a strain on the relationship. You might be very conservative and your natural family can be very liberal. This can be another obstacle.
After my daughter had Owen we were talking one day about how I always stayed in touch through letters but her adoptive sister's natural mom didn't write many letters and they don't even know her adoptive sister had a birth name. As we talked we discussed how sometimes it is easier to walk away from the pain than continually deal with the wound of a relinquished child. A child you feel you will never know. A child you feel you have no rights to get to know. We also discussed that maybe her sister was named but the agency didn't allow the adoptive family to know her name. This was 20 years ago.
Adoptees please also know that the mom you meet now as an adult is a very different person than the mom that relinquished you. We have had to deal with a lifetime of pain. That does change us. I am not trying to say that adoptees don't feel abandoned or without pain. We know you had no choice in this. Just understand we hurt too. We want acceptance, we want love.
My daughter had told me when she was younger that she didn't feel like she always had the right to write me. She felt like she was invading my privacy. I felt like I was invading her family and her when I wrote. I felt like I was being intrusive. Every letter I wrote I rewrote at least 5 times. I was so afraid of saying anything wrong. I was afraid that all contact would be cut off if everything wasn't sugar coated and happy.
This can be an amazing relationship but take it slow. Get to know each other. Find your likes and dislikes. Find out what you have in common and build on those things. For me and my daughter being together in my house and my town for a few days without outside distractions has built our relationship. My daughter has seen how we function as a family and how she fits in. She sees why she does things the way she does. She sees where she gets her looks and personality from. I hope she knows how much all of us love her. She does have the love of many, from her adoptive family, my family, my husbands family, and her dad's family. We wouldn't be the same without her in our life.
I love you my Alyssa.
Every single adoption situation is different. I am not talking about foster care adoption, kinship adoptions, or international adoptions. What I am talking about is what it is like for me with a domestic newborn adoption. A mother with high potential that loved her child enough to give her up. Yeah I hate that saying too, loved you enough to walk away. Loved you enough to abandon you. That saying definitely screws with your head. How could you trust anyone when you are told if you are truly loved you will be left, abandoned. It even screws with natural moms heads too.
Adoptees realize that most of your natural mothers loved you more than anything. They were trying to do what was best. Most of us didn't realize the full consequences for us, you, or your siblings. There are a few land mines I want to point out to you. First please don't tell your natural mom thanks for not aborting me. For many of us that is not a decision that entered our mind ever. I know not even for 1 day did I consider that, I loved my daughter from the moment I knew she was conceived. Yes I was scared but never thought of having an abortion,
This road of reunion seems very uphill and unpaved. It is scary for a lot of us. Even us moms that have followed you from a distance and wanted nothing more than to get to know you. It is still VERY scary. One thing that does hurt is being told "thanks for giving me to this great family, I couldn't imagine growing up with anyone else". We want to know about your childhood and your adoptive family but take it slow. When we are told thanks for giving me to this great family it sometimes feels like you are saying thanks for hurting, I appreciate it. Of course we don't want you to be abused we do want you to have an amazing childhood with everything that money can buy. We want you to feel wanted and loved. Just take it a little bit slow. We are like a deer in head lights sometimes.
Sometimes it does feel easier to run far away and deal with the aspects of adoption with reunion. We have buried many demons deep inside ourselves. In reunion these things come unburied and out in the open. I'm not talking about the child we buried in our past coming to haunt us. That is not it at all. It is the way we have coped with the loss of our child. For some of us we buried ourselves in religion, others went into drugs and alcohol after relinquishment, some went really sexually active. Obviously we weren't virgins but many of us only slept with a few men before we got pregnant. Once we relinquished our parental rights we slept with many, many men. We lost our self esteem. There have been many of us that got in abusive/co-dependant relationships. We do many things to cover up our pain.
I'm sure there are some women that have not fallen into these categories after relinquishment I just haven't meant any. I do understand how finding religion and holding onto that tightly feels safe, you feel as if nothing can hurt you again. But so often it is just as bad a drug.
Those of us that also suffered sexual abuse before we became natural parents have a whole other set of demons to deal with. You don't know which of these categories your mom falls into until after you are in reunion. My daughter did not know of my sexual abuse until 6 months after we "met" on face book. I did not tell her but my sister did. I didn't want my daughter to feel sorry for me. It happened, it was on the past, and it is time to move on. I felt as if I needed to be strong for my daughter in every aspect of my life and if she knew about that I couldn't be strong for her.
This is a relationship like none other. It is a mother child relationship and we do remember you but you don't have memories of us. We don't have shared experiences. We might be in different social classes too. That can put a strain on the relationship. You might be very conservative and your natural family can be very liberal. This can be another obstacle.
After my daughter had Owen we were talking one day about how I always stayed in touch through letters but her adoptive sister's natural mom didn't write many letters and they don't even know her adoptive sister had a birth name. As we talked we discussed how sometimes it is easier to walk away from the pain than continually deal with the wound of a relinquished child. A child you feel you will never know. A child you feel you have no rights to get to know. We also discussed that maybe her sister was named but the agency didn't allow the adoptive family to know her name. This was 20 years ago.
Adoptees please also know that the mom you meet now as an adult is a very different person than the mom that relinquished you. We have had to deal with a lifetime of pain. That does change us. I am not trying to say that adoptees don't feel abandoned or without pain. We know you had no choice in this. Just understand we hurt too. We want acceptance, we want love.
My daughter had told me when she was younger that she didn't feel like she always had the right to write me. She felt like she was invading my privacy. I felt like I was invading her family and her when I wrote. I felt like I was being intrusive. Every letter I wrote I rewrote at least 5 times. I was so afraid of saying anything wrong. I was afraid that all contact would be cut off if everything wasn't sugar coated and happy.
This can be an amazing relationship but take it slow. Get to know each other. Find your likes and dislikes. Find out what you have in common and build on those things. For me and my daughter being together in my house and my town for a few days without outside distractions has built our relationship. My daughter has seen how we function as a family and how she fits in. She sees why she does things the way she does. She sees where she gets her looks and personality from. I hope she knows how much all of us love her. She does have the love of many, from her adoptive family, my family, my husbands family, and her dad's family. We wouldn't be the same without her in our life.
I love you my Alyssa.
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Lost generations
About 2 years ago I was on a yahoo search group for adoptees and natural families looking for each other. Within the first couple of months there was a natural mom who found her 19 year old twin daughters that she placed for adoption. As she was reuniting with them she found out one of her daughters was pregnant and considering placing her child for adoption. As I read it I thought about the tragedy of the whole situation. I couldn't imagine the natural mothers pain. I wanted to yell through my screen to go kidnap her daughter and don't allow the adoption to go through. I know that sounds irrational but that is what I was thinking. It is one thing to place your child, you are naive of the affects and feelings. You are naive on how long the feeling of loss and loneliness will last. You are naive about the self esteem problems after placement of being a natural mom. You are also naive on how adoption will affect all of your children. To know and feel everything and then watch your child go through the same thing. I could not have imagined anything worse.
I heard the same story over and over again, adoptees becoming natural parents, or as one adoptee writes on her blog an abandoned abandoner. The stories that I have heard and now experienced is the natural mother is against her child placing. The adoptive parents are in support of their adoptive child placing. I am not saying adoptive parents are bad this is just what I have seen. I know it was like this with my daughter. I was absolutely against the adoption. That had nothing against the PAPs. It was simple I did not want my daughter to ever have the loss of placing her first born. I never wanted her to understand my pain on such a deep level. I would rather she cut me out of her life entirely than to suffer for the rest of her life as a natural mom. I never wanted anyone I love, especially my children, to understand this loss fully. I couldn't imagine ever losing another person to adoption again. I didn't thing it would be possible to handle the loss of adoption more than once in your life.
I was very mad at my daughter's adoptive parents, did they think that just because I was strong enough to place my child and live a really good life it didn't mean that my daughter should do the same thing. I'm not as angry with them now. But those were my feelings when my daughter was pregnant.
It's interesting Alyssa and I were talking when Owen was 6 weeks old and Cassie asked me what I would do if she ever got pregnant before she was married. I just looked at her and told her I would love her, we are family and we would help her any way humanly possible. Alyssa told me that she would never allow her sister to experience the pain of adoption. She would do whatever it took so her little sister would not ever place her child.
I heard the same story over and over again, adoptees becoming natural parents, or as one adoptee writes on her blog an abandoned abandoner. The stories that I have heard and now experienced is the natural mother is against her child placing. The adoptive parents are in support of their adoptive child placing. I am not saying adoptive parents are bad this is just what I have seen. I know it was like this with my daughter. I was absolutely against the adoption. That had nothing against the PAPs. It was simple I did not want my daughter to ever have the loss of placing her first born. I never wanted her to understand my pain on such a deep level. I would rather she cut me out of her life entirely than to suffer for the rest of her life as a natural mom. I never wanted anyone I love, especially my children, to understand this loss fully. I couldn't imagine ever losing another person to adoption again. I didn't thing it would be possible to handle the loss of adoption more than once in your life.
I was very mad at my daughter's adoptive parents, did they think that just because I was strong enough to place my child and live a really good life it didn't mean that my daughter should do the same thing. I'm not as angry with them now. But those were my feelings when my daughter was pregnant.
It's interesting Alyssa and I were talking when Owen was 6 weeks old and Cassie asked me what I would do if she ever got pregnant before she was married. I just looked at her and told her I would love her, we are family and we would help her any way humanly possible. Alyssa told me that she would never allow her sister to experience the pain of adoption. She would do whatever it took so her little sister would not ever place her child.
Monday, December 6, 2010
December 6 - Happy Birthday
Today is my nieces 23rd birthday. She is a lot more like my little sister than my niece. She was born when I was in 7th grade and 12 years old. We really have grown up together. She is amazing and smart. She was always a leader and the kid that got straight A's. She now owns her own business with her boyfriend, yes at 23 years old. They have been together for 5 years. She is mildly very stubborn, I don't know where she gets that from ;). She is absolutely beautiful too on the inside and out. I just adore her and I am so glad she is part of my family and feels comfortable enough to talk to me about everything. I love you so much Cheri!!!
It is also my nephews birthday today. He is 15 years old and was lost to adoption. 15 years ago I was not out spoken against adoption. I was still in the world of unicorn and butterflies of adoption. I was for adoption and thought it was one of the best things for mother and child. Obviously I have grown and changed alot. I was the Lamaze coach when my nephew was born. He was the third baby I saw being born other than my own kids. I never spoke out to my brother's girlfriend about the loss that would be felt. Neither my brother or his ex-girlfriend had another child after this one was placed.
I don't know what my nephew looks like or where he lives. I do not know his adoptive name neither does his natural mom. I wonder about him alot. I wonder what he is like and what is he doing. I wonder if he is tall and thin like my brother. Does he have blond hair and blue eyes like my brother or brown hair and brown eyes like his natural mom. I do want to meet him one day. What is his personality like? Does he have dyslexia like both of my brothers and one of my sons? Is he the quiet trouble maker or calm and mellow. Has he been to the emergency room recently for dumb teenage boy stuff. Has he ever lit a rocket in his hand like his dad did around the same age? Does he like fire works and anything that explodes? Is he a practicing LDS teenager or has he gone more like his natural parents and stepped away from the church he was raised in? Does he always have a book in his hand? What doe he like to read? What kind of grades does he have? Is he great in math like his dad was? Is he crafty and arty like his mom?
I hope he looks for us. Even if everyone isn't ready to meet him I sure am and I think my parents would love to know him too. He is 9 months older then my second son and just 4 months older then another nephew. John if you ever look for your natural family please know we love you and always have. You have never been forgotten.
It is also my nephews birthday today. He is 15 years old and was lost to adoption. 15 years ago I was not out spoken against adoption. I was still in the world of unicorn and butterflies of adoption. I was for adoption and thought it was one of the best things for mother and child. Obviously I have grown and changed alot. I was the Lamaze coach when my nephew was born. He was the third baby I saw being born other than my own kids. I never spoke out to my brother's girlfriend about the loss that would be felt. Neither my brother or his ex-girlfriend had another child after this one was placed.
I don't know what my nephew looks like or where he lives. I do not know his adoptive name neither does his natural mom. I wonder about him alot. I wonder what he is like and what is he doing. I wonder if he is tall and thin like my brother. Does he have blond hair and blue eyes like my brother or brown hair and brown eyes like his natural mom. I do want to meet him one day. What is his personality like? Does he have dyslexia like both of my brothers and one of my sons? Is he the quiet trouble maker or calm and mellow. Has he been to the emergency room recently for dumb teenage boy stuff. Has he ever lit a rocket in his hand like his dad did around the same age? Does he like fire works and anything that explodes? Is he a practicing LDS teenager or has he gone more like his natural parents and stepped away from the church he was raised in? Does he always have a book in his hand? What doe he like to read? What kind of grades does he have? Is he great in math like his dad was? Is he crafty and arty like his mom?
I hope he looks for us. Even if everyone isn't ready to meet him I sure am and I think my parents would love to know him too. He is 9 months older then my second son and just 4 months older then another nephew. John if you ever look for your natural family please know we love you and always have. You have never been forgotten.
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