I named my daughter Alyssa Mary. Her adoptive parents knew her name when they brought her into their home at 1 week old. They did change her name. Why did they change it? I'm not sure I totally understand. I think for them it was such a small thing that they never considered not changing it. After all newborns are clean slates, right. They have no memory and no feelings. I'm sure it was just that they finally had a child and they wanted to choose the name, they had no attachment to me or the name I gave our daughter. For me it was huge. I never considered that they would change her name when I signed the papers. I assumed that you don't change a child's name. I already felt not good enough to raise my child and now even the name I gave her was not good enough. I carefully thought and picked out her name. I loved the name Alyssa and her middle name is part of my mom's name. I wanted her to have part of her history and that is why I named her after my mom. I knew her last name would change that was obvious but I never expected her name to totally change.
For 17 years all I knew my daughter as was Alyssa. It has only been in the last 2 years that I knew her adoptive name of Kara. In one of the first letters that I received the Aparents told me they had changed her name but I had no idea to what they changed it to. It has been a hard adjustment to call my daughter Kara. In my phone I have her name listed as Alyssa, when I send her a letter I still write Alyssa on the card. When we talk I usually say Kara. More often than not I will just call her honey. It is just easier for me, and I call all of my kids honey, sweetie, or babe.
When Owen was 3 days old after we left Utah on the long drive back to California Alyssa and I were texting. She was having a very rough time. Her milk was coming in, she had gone from a B cup to a large D cup, I know how painful that is. She had barely slept at all in a week and having stitches while driving 600 miles is very uncomfortable to say the least. On top of the physical problems she was dealing wit the loss of her son and he was still in the NICU. We were texting about Owen and his name. His name that Alyssa gave him is Owen Foster. Foster is my grandfather's middle name and my son's Alex name. That was a big deal for me to have my first grandchild to be named after my grandfather and my son. For my daughter to want my family/her original family in her son's name meant more than words could express.
As we were talking I said that she would always think of her son as Owen after all that is and always will be his first given name. That is the name that she wanted him to have. I told Alyssa in my head I think of Alyssa as my daughter my first born but every time I her Kara it reminds me that she isn't my daughter she is J & S daughter. Alyssa told me she understood she thinks of Owen as her son but Tanner is J & T son. (If you were wondering both Owen's and Alyssa's adoptive mom's names start with J ).
While we were texting she said that I could call her Alyssa from now on. She understands how important it is to call your child by their original name. That was such a big deal for me to acknowledge the name that I gave her was okay. It was as if we had came full circle. I hope Owen and his Aparents will understand how important it is for Alyssa to acknowledge her son as Owen.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Adoption Books
Doe anyone have good adoption books they would recommend? Not how to adopt or what a great blessing adoption is but the nitty gritty about the laws and why we have adoption, how the views of society affect woman in an unplanned pregnancy, the lasting affects of adoption on the natural family and the adoptee.
I have read The girls Who Went Away. loved that book it was the first book that I read that actually told what it was like to place a child. Granted these women had no choice in adoption but their feelings post adoption, their grief, their hurt was the same as mine. I felt a bond and connection to the women in this book.
Another one that I read was Baby Thief: The untold story of Georgia Tann. I read that book and it was well written and made me understand our adoption laws better it also made me sick. I couldn't believe I put my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such a corrupt and seedy system. A system made to cover up illegal past adoptions. A system that made it okay to seal and falsify birth certificates. A system that has in its goal to tear apart families. A system based on money exchanged for a child.
I want to read a few books recommended by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. The first one recommend is Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade. And the other book I want to read also recommended by Amanda is The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered . I have not read Primal Wound but that will be in the next group I get from the library. I do want to read Birthmark also but I will probably have to buy it from Amazon or a used book store since my library does not carry it.
I have read The girls Who Went Away. loved that book it was the first book that I read that actually told what it was like to place a child. Granted these women had no choice in adoption but their feelings post adoption, their grief, their hurt was the same as mine. I felt a bond and connection to the women in this book.
Another one that I read was Baby Thief: The untold story of Georgia Tann. I read that book and it was well written and made me understand our adoption laws better it also made me sick. I couldn't believe I put my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such a corrupt and seedy system. A system made to cover up illegal past adoptions. A system that made it okay to seal and falsify birth certificates. A system that has in its goal to tear apart families. A system based on money exchanged for a child.
I want to read a few books recommended by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. The first one recommend is Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade. And the other book I want to read also recommended by Amanda is The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered . I have not read Primal Wound but that will be in the next group I get from the library. I do want to read Birthmark also but I will probably have to buy it from Amazon or a used book store since my library does not carry it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I grew up middle class in a very big family. I am child number 4 of 7 kids. There was only 12 years between the youngest and oldest kids. My parents seemed to constantly had babies. There were times that some of us would feel unloved or left out. I don't think it is possible to make 7 children feel loved and adored 100% of the time. I have a hard time with my 4 kids letting them know they are always loved, wanted, and adored 100% of the time.
I was always embarrassed by having so many kids in the family. Where ever we would go people would just watch us and count the number of kids. It was as if we were a phenomenon. I guess we were, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of my friends had at the most 2 siblings and they considered that a rather big family. So we definitely stuck out a bit. My parents owned their home but we didn't have a lot of frivolous extras either. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, we just did not have the name brand clothes or eat out a lot. We always had the basic necessities met. We used to get ice cream about once a month and McDonald's was a privilege and we only had that about once every 3 to 6 months or so.
When I was little I remember my parents telling us a story. It was about a rich couple that wanted a child and a poorer family with lots of kids. The rich couple offered a huge amount for just one child. After all this poor family had too many they could just let one go and then they would have plenty of money to pay for all of the needs of every child and send every child to college. All they had to do is let the rich couple have one child. Sounds simple and easy right. Let one child go for the betterment of all. Of course the poor family could not let even one child go, they loved each child unconditionally and there family would not be the same without each person. My parents told us this story to remind us how important each of us were to them. How they could never replace us and no amount of money would make up for the loss of us.
This story keeps coming back to me lately. How could my parents love us and never want to let one of us go but it was okay for me to let my only child go, my first born child? Did I not as a mother have the same love and feelings for my child that they had for each one of us? I just keep thinking of this story lately how it absolutely relates to adoption. Infertile richer couple just wanting one child and will pay a poorer couple for just one of their children.
I was told during my pregnancy that Alyssa was not meant to be my child that I was just supposed to carry her for another couple. I would have my turn to raise my own child but it would not be this one. After being told this enough times you get to actually believe it. 19 years ago I really did not feel that I was meant to raise my daughter. I believed at the time that fate was leading me to choose adoption. That I would be condemned if I raised her. As a 35 year old woman I look back and can't believe I actually believed that BS. I actually thought that my daughter wasn't really mine. She had my DNA, she was of my flesh, she was and is my daughter but was destined to be with another family. Who tells a mother that? Who actually tries to convince a woman that she isn't meant to raise her own child?
I was always embarrassed by having so many kids in the family. Where ever we would go people would just watch us and count the number of kids. It was as if we were a phenomenon. I guess we were, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of my friends had at the most 2 siblings and they considered that a rather big family. So we definitely stuck out a bit. My parents owned their home but we didn't have a lot of frivolous extras either. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, we just did not have the name brand clothes or eat out a lot. We always had the basic necessities met. We used to get ice cream about once a month and McDonald's was a privilege and we only had that about once every 3 to 6 months or so.
When I was little I remember my parents telling us a story. It was about a rich couple that wanted a child and a poorer family with lots of kids. The rich couple offered a huge amount for just one child. After all this poor family had too many they could just let one go and then they would have plenty of money to pay for all of the needs of every child and send every child to college. All they had to do is let the rich couple have one child. Sounds simple and easy right. Let one child go for the betterment of all. Of course the poor family could not let even one child go, they loved each child unconditionally and there family would not be the same without each person. My parents told us this story to remind us how important each of us were to them. How they could never replace us and no amount of money would make up for the loss of us.
This story keeps coming back to me lately. How could my parents love us and never want to let one of us go but it was okay for me to let my only child go, my first born child? Did I not as a mother have the same love and feelings for my child that they had for each one of us? I just keep thinking of this story lately how it absolutely relates to adoption. Infertile richer couple just wanting one child and will pay a poorer couple for just one of their children.
I was told during my pregnancy that Alyssa was not meant to be my child that I was just supposed to carry her for another couple. I would have my turn to raise my own child but it would not be this one. After being told this enough times you get to actually believe it. 19 years ago I really did not feel that I was meant to raise my daughter. I believed at the time that fate was leading me to choose adoption. That I would be condemned if I raised her. As a 35 year old woman I look back and can't believe I actually believed that BS. I actually thought that my daughter wasn't really mine. She had my DNA, she was of my flesh, she was and is my daughter but was destined to be with another family. Who tells a mother that? Who actually tries to convince a woman that she isn't meant to raise her own child?
Monday, January 3, 2011
I am feeling like blogging again. I am starting to feel better, I get to that point that the whole adoption crap is overwhelming. It is so personal and sometimes all consuming. I do feel as if we are fighting Goliath with our laws and perceptions. How do you fight against government, religion, and society all in one? How do you stop feeling overwhelmed and learn to take things into a positive direction? I realized I needed to step back for a bit and just enjoy the holidays and not feel overwhelmed. I feel the fire growing in my belly saying it is time to renew my fight to point out the things that our wrong in adoption. I also see that we need to change one person and law at a time. I know that it will take a lot of our voices to get the change done.
The day after Christmas we celebrated Christmas with my husband's dads family. There were close to 40 of us together and we spent the whole day from about 10am to 10pm just enjoying each others companies, eating, playing cards, and bowling.
While I was making gravy I was talking to my husbands Aunt M. She is about 10 years older than me and is looking into adoption. She has tried for 20 years to get pregnant and nothing has worked. A few years ago she started looking into foster care adoption. Even that did not work out for her. Now she is looking into private adoption. M has known for about 4 years about Alyssa. In the past 6 months we have had some very intense conversations. Not anger at all just deep intense personal conversations. M is Alex's Godmother. She is one of the few people that I would absolutely trust my children with. There are family members on my side that I would not leave my kids alone with for even an hour. But M is different she is my husband's aunt by marriage and is so loving and caring. I consider her a part of my family even if she isn't blood related to either my husband or I. Her husband is amazing and uber smart. He knows a little bit about everything. But he never makes you feel inferior either. He is also very gentle and caring and a bit adventurous too. He is the type of person that can fix anything.
M was telling me about this woman that is pregnant and due in February and considering placing her child for adoption with them. I was a bit nervous about talking to M about it. I want her to have a child but to take someone elses and raise it as her own. I didn't want this pregnant woman to feel as my daughter and I have felt about adoption. I didn't want this woman to be taken advantage of. I don't think in any way that M would take advantage of her but I was worried about the agency. M was telling me about this woman, H the expectant mom. H is either 24 or 25(I can't remember) and has an almost 2 year old daughter. She has been in and out of jail since she was 14 and has only raised her daughter for one month of her life. I'm trying to not make judgements here obviuosly there were family issues if H started to get in trouble with the law at age 14. Most kids from a loving nurturing family do not end up in juvenile hall at such a young age. I do feel sorry for her that she hasn't had an amazing happy life. By 25 you should be getting your stuff together and see your future. You should be starting to accomplish goals. You shouldn't still be spending time in jail.
I feel sorry for H to have to be in that situation to be considering placing her child for adoption. I talked to M about keeping the sibling bond to make sure that the children know each other. Through adoption the parents give up the right to raise the child but the bond between siblings should be cherished and never be broken. Siblings need each other on a very deep level. I have seen it in my own 4 children how much they need and love each other. Even though my daughter was separated from the other 3 for 18 years.
I talked to M more about what it was like to be a natural mom and shared with her things I share with very few people. I talked to her about giving space in the hospital about the heartache of adoption and some other things. We talked about how if she does adopt this child that this child needs to know his natural mom and respect her. If you don't have a love and respect for your natural biological parents it is very hard to love yourself completely. We both ended up crying a bit. She has helped me to see the potential adoptive couples point of view and I helped her see the natural mothers point of view. I know so often adoptive couples are only introduced to a few selected natural parents by the agency. The mothers that are very happy and positive and think adoption is grand. I think for her to know me as someone that has moved on and had a good life but still has the deep loss of adoption, someone who hasn't forgotten the pain she sees the other side of adoption. She understands it is not all grand and amazing. Adoption is a tragedy in so many ways.
I do worry about this mother H I know the struggles she will have if she places this child. I know the heartache she will have. I know M will not promise H anything she will and can not follow through with. For that I am grateful. But for this little child we will need to continue to fight the adoption laws. Even though he will know his natural family growing up it should be his right to have access to his OBC. Nothing should stand in his way to get it.
The day after Christmas we celebrated Christmas with my husband's dads family. There were close to 40 of us together and we spent the whole day from about 10am to 10pm just enjoying each others companies, eating, playing cards, and bowling.
While I was making gravy I was talking to my husbands Aunt M. She is about 10 years older than me and is looking into adoption. She has tried for 20 years to get pregnant and nothing has worked. A few years ago she started looking into foster care adoption. Even that did not work out for her. Now she is looking into private adoption. M has known for about 4 years about Alyssa. In the past 6 months we have had some very intense conversations. Not anger at all just deep intense personal conversations. M is Alex's Godmother. She is one of the few people that I would absolutely trust my children with. There are family members on my side that I would not leave my kids alone with for even an hour. But M is different she is my husband's aunt by marriage and is so loving and caring. I consider her a part of my family even if she isn't blood related to either my husband or I. Her husband is amazing and uber smart. He knows a little bit about everything. But he never makes you feel inferior either. He is also very gentle and caring and a bit adventurous too. He is the type of person that can fix anything.
M was telling me about this woman that is pregnant and due in February and considering placing her child for adoption with them. I was a bit nervous about talking to M about it. I want her to have a child but to take someone elses and raise it as her own. I didn't want this pregnant woman to feel as my daughter and I have felt about adoption. I didn't want this woman to be taken advantage of. I don't think in any way that M would take advantage of her but I was worried about the agency. M was telling me about this woman, H the expectant mom. H is either 24 or 25(I can't remember) and has an almost 2 year old daughter. She has been in and out of jail since she was 14 and has only raised her daughter for one month of her life. I'm trying to not make judgements here obviuosly there were family issues if H started to get in trouble with the law at age 14. Most kids from a loving nurturing family do not end up in juvenile hall at such a young age. I do feel sorry for her that she hasn't had an amazing happy life. By 25 you should be getting your stuff together and see your future. You should be starting to accomplish goals. You shouldn't still be spending time in jail.
I feel sorry for H to have to be in that situation to be considering placing her child for adoption. I talked to M about keeping the sibling bond to make sure that the children know each other. Through adoption the parents give up the right to raise the child but the bond between siblings should be cherished and never be broken. Siblings need each other on a very deep level. I have seen it in my own 4 children how much they need and love each other. Even though my daughter was separated from the other 3 for 18 years.
I talked to M more about what it was like to be a natural mom and shared with her things I share with very few people. I talked to her about giving space in the hospital about the heartache of adoption and some other things. We talked about how if she does adopt this child that this child needs to know his natural mom and respect her. If you don't have a love and respect for your natural biological parents it is very hard to love yourself completely. We both ended up crying a bit. She has helped me to see the potential adoptive couples point of view and I helped her see the natural mothers point of view. I know so often adoptive couples are only introduced to a few selected natural parents by the agency. The mothers that are very happy and positive and think adoption is grand. I think for her to know me as someone that has moved on and had a good life but still has the deep loss of adoption, someone who hasn't forgotten the pain she sees the other side of adoption. She understands it is not all grand and amazing. Adoption is a tragedy in so many ways.
I do worry about this mother H I know the struggles she will have if she places this child. I know the heartache she will have. I know M will not promise H anything she will and can not follow through with. For that I am grateful. But for this little child we will need to continue to fight the adoption laws. Even though he will know his natural family growing up it should be his right to have access to his OBC. Nothing should stand in his way to get it.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goodbye 2010
I haven't posted in a week. Life has definitely been catching up with me. I've had my parents from Utah come into town and my sister from Portland came to town with her two little ones. We have kept busy with a lot of family time. I also had to squeeze in work for several hours on a few days. We were able to visit with old friends too on New Years Eve. On top of those things I also had a cold and a migraine sneak up on me. I had to pass along my cold to everyone else in the family too.
2010 was an absolute crazy year. Constant travel from California to Utah every six weeks or so made it a bit exciting. I hate traveling those 12 hours by car, there is only so much desert I want to see in my life time. Amazingly enough I finally met my Alyssa in person after being apart for 17 years and 51 weeks. She has grown so much in this past year alone. She has gone from a fun loving teenager to a very mature adult. She has taken the hard road to get the maturity but I have seen so much change in her.
I got my fourth tattoo this year and Alyssa got her first professional tattoo, honey no more do it yourself tattoos. Our tattoos match and are very simple just two hearts intertwined on our shoulder. One is blue which is my favorite color and the other heart is green which is her favorite color. It was her idea to get them so we will always have something to tie us together.
I never thought the loss of adoption would "touch" my life again, well more like a train wreck into my life. I do not ever want to be tested to see how much inner strength I have. I might fail that test if it comes up again.
Beginning of 2010 I taught Sunday School to the 8 year olds every Sunday. By the time August came along I had asked to be released and I have only attended church twice since August. I'm just not ready to go back to a place that supports adoption so highly. As of right now there is still too much hurt and I feel betrayed.
I am hoping for a much calmer 2011. One that doesn't have the extreme highs and lows that 2010 has brought us. I am hoping to make a small difference in adoption this year. I hope I can help one mother and child stay together and fight the uphill battle of the adoption industry. Or maybe open up even one persons eyes on the reality of adoption. The toll adoption takes on the adoptee and the natural mother. Adoption doesn't temporarily affect a mother but permanently changes her and rips apart a family. Adoption also takes a huge toll on an adoptee even adoptees that go to great loving families.
2010 was an absolute crazy year. Constant travel from California to Utah every six weeks or so made it a bit exciting. I hate traveling those 12 hours by car, there is only so much desert I want to see in my life time. Amazingly enough I finally met my Alyssa in person after being apart for 17 years and 51 weeks. She has grown so much in this past year alone. She has gone from a fun loving teenager to a very mature adult. She has taken the hard road to get the maturity but I have seen so much change in her.
I got my fourth tattoo this year and Alyssa got her first professional tattoo, honey no more do it yourself tattoos. Our tattoos match and are very simple just two hearts intertwined on our shoulder. One is blue which is my favorite color and the other heart is green which is her favorite color. It was her idea to get them so we will always have something to tie us together.
I never thought the loss of adoption would "touch" my life again, well more like a train wreck into my life. I do not ever want to be tested to see how much inner strength I have. I might fail that test if it comes up again.
Beginning of 2010 I taught Sunday School to the 8 year olds every Sunday. By the time August came along I had asked to be released and I have only attended church twice since August. I'm just not ready to go back to a place that supports adoption so highly. As of right now there is still too much hurt and I feel betrayed.
I am hoping for a much calmer 2011. One that doesn't have the extreme highs and lows that 2010 has brought us. I am hoping to make a small difference in adoption this year. I hope I can help one mother and child stay together and fight the uphill battle of the adoption industry. Or maybe open up even one persons eyes on the reality of adoption. The toll adoption takes on the adoptee and the natural mother. Adoption doesn't temporarily affect a mother but permanently changes her and rips apart a family. Adoption also takes a huge toll on an adoptee even adoptees that go to great loving families.
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Christmas
I do love Christmas, the family get togethers, fires, hot chocolate, church, the nativity. I love all of it. Growing up we had Christmas with just my immediate family. When I was younger we always had 2 gifts for each of us kids under the Christmas tree. One was from Santa and the other was from the family. But my parents had 7 kids so it always looked like a lot of stuff under there. We usually also had one gift from my Grandma Von. She would give us underwear, books, or something for our trousseau like silver wear and dish towels. Those gifts seemed useless when I was 12 years old. My grandma was always practical. She was born during the depression so she always was thinking ahead. I really do love her and when I got married those "useless" gifts seemed very practical.
My Christmas traditions are a little different with my kids than what I grew up with. We live close to alot of extended family so we get together with them as much as possible. We start around Thanksgiving and spend one day making Tamales with Jer's mom's family. We make about 10 to 12 dozen in one day. My kids might not enjoy this right now but I hope one day they will look back and have good memories. I hope once their great grandmother dies when they think of the smell of masa they think of her. I hope it will bring out memories of her and their other grandmother teaching them the proper tamale making methods. I hope they will carry on this tradition with their kids.
We have tried to keep Christmas family centered and not about the gifts only. On Christmas Eve we try to go to a Catholic Mass around 5. After Mass we head over to Jeremy's Aunt's house. We have a traditional tamale dinner. We always make red tamales with pork and have green tamales with chicken. We have home made refried beans and Mexican style rice. As an appetizer there has to be homemade salsa and chips. Just to be a little bit healthy we also have a big salad. There are usually about 20 of us on Christmas Eve. We exchange presents and sing carols. Around 10 or 11 at night we head over to Jer's parents house. About 10 years ago we started spending the night at Christmas Eve at their house instead of our own. The kids really enjoy it and no longer want to spend Christmas at our house.
About midnight my husband and I go back to our house and get all of our presents. Santa drops off his presents to the in-laws house - while we are gone..wink wink. Christmas morning we get up and make hot chocolate and coffee. We sit in the living room with my in-laws, kids, and my brother-in-law. We take turns opening up one present at a time. Since we do open up only one present at a time and we talk a lot this can take a few hours. The very last thing is our stockings. They are not allowed to be touched or even looked at what is inside until we have all of the presents opened. After presents and stockings are cleaned up we eat fresh made Monte Cristo. This is a once a year treat, mmm-mmm I love the Swiss and turkey melted together with strawberry preserves on top. We sit around a while and just enjoy each others company. The kids have really got to know their grandparents as people not just as grandma and grandpa. I love to encourage the bond that has been built. My in-laws are really like second parents to my kids they are alot closer than most grandparents are to their grandkids.
We sometimes play with the new toys all together especially if it is a board game. About 1:00 or so we head over to my sister's house for the Anderson gathering. This is not a quiet calm get-together like our other celebration. We are loud and really silly. There are close to 30 or more of us with my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and sometimes a few extended family members. We don't exchange gifts with my family, there are just too many of us. We get together to play games, eat, and enjoy each other. We finally head home about 9 that evening. We are totally exhausted by that time.
Usually we try to also get together with my family to go to San Francisco and go to the Oakland Temple sometime around Christmas, but never Christmas Day. We are always up for any adventure my dad wants to take us on. My dad loves to show the grandkid the world. He is always up for hikes, days at the beach, or just looking around town.
We also have a Christmas Day with my husband's dads family either the weekend before Christmas or after Christmas. They are so much fun and very competitive. My father in law is one of 8 kids and Christmas seems to be the only time we all can be together. We make a full day of it. Sometimes we bowl, shoot pool, play card games, or board games. All that matters is everyone is involved that wants to be. And then we eat. Oh boy can that family cook, everything is always home made and delicious. We don't usually have a full gift exchange but a white elephant gift exchange. This year the items have to be garden themed. We spend months finding the right- most obnoxious - gift possible. And to make it harder there is also a spending limit of about $20.
I do try to keep myself and my kids as busy as possible over Christmas. Cassie came to me the other night and said mommy why can't we have Christmas with our sister and nephew. When can we be a real family like everyone else? How can I answer that? I have tried my best to keep Christmas happy and make sure they have great memories. I just held Cassie and let her talk. I figured she needed to talk without any interferance but still know she is loved. Sometimes we all just need to be held while we cry.
My kids - if you ever read my blog please know I love each of you and you mean so much to me. Merry Christmas
My Christmas traditions are a little different with my kids than what I grew up with. We live close to alot of extended family so we get together with them as much as possible. We start around Thanksgiving and spend one day making Tamales with Jer's mom's family. We make about 10 to 12 dozen in one day. My kids might not enjoy this right now but I hope one day they will look back and have good memories. I hope once their great grandmother dies when they think of the smell of masa they think of her. I hope it will bring out memories of her and their other grandmother teaching them the proper tamale making methods. I hope they will carry on this tradition with their kids.
We have tried to keep Christmas family centered and not about the gifts only. On Christmas Eve we try to go to a Catholic Mass around 5. After Mass we head over to Jeremy's Aunt's house. We have a traditional tamale dinner. We always make red tamales with pork and have green tamales with chicken. We have home made refried beans and Mexican style rice. As an appetizer there has to be homemade salsa and chips. Just to be a little bit healthy we also have a big salad. There are usually about 20 of us on Christmas Eve. We exchange presents and sing carols. Around 10 or 11 at night we head over to Jer's parents house. About 10 years ago we started spending the night at Christmas Eve at their house instead of our own. The kids really enjoy it and no longer want to spend Christmas at our house.
About midnight my husband and I go back to our house and get all of our presents. Santa drops off his presents to the in-laws house - while we are gone..wink wink. Christmas morning we get up and make hot chocolate and coffee. We sit in the living room with my in-laws, kids, and my brother-in-law. We take turns opening up one present at a time. Since we do open up only one present at a time and we talk a lot this can take a few hours. The very last thing is our stockings. They are not allowed to be touched or even looked at what is inside until we have all of the presents opened. After presents and stockings are cleaned up we eat fresh made Monte Cristo. This is a once a year treat, mmm-mmm I love the Swiss and turkey melted together with strawberry preserves on top. We sit around a while and just enjoy each others company. The kids have really got to know their grandparents as people not just as grandma and grandpa. I love to encourage the bond that has been built. My in-laws are really like second parents to my kids they are alot closer than most grandparents are to their grandkids.
We sometimes play with the new toys all together especially if it is a board game. About 1:00 or so we head over to my sister's house for the Anderson gathering. This is not a quiet calm get-together like our other celebration. We are loud and really silly. There are close to 30 or more of us with my brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, and sometimes a few extended family members. We don't exchange gifts with my family, there are just too many of us. We get together to play games, eat, and enjoy each other. We finally head home about 9 that evening. We are totally exhausted by that time.
Usually we try to also get together with my family to go to San Francisco and go to the Oakland Temple sometime around Christmas, but never Christmas Day. We are always up for any adventure my dad wants to take us on. My dad loves to show the grandkid the world. He is always up for hikes, days at the beach, or just looking around town.
We also have a Christmas Day with my husband's dads family either the weekend before Christmas or after Christmas. They are so much fun and very competitive. My father in law is one of 8 kids and Christmas seems to be the only time we all can be together. We make a full day of it. Sometimes we bowl, shoot pool, play card games, or board games. All that matters is everyone is involved that wants to be. And then we eat. Oh boy can that family cook, everything is always home made and delicious. We don't usually have a full gift exchange but a white elephant gift exchange. This year the items have to be garden themed. We spend months finding the right- most obnoxious - gift possible. And to make it harder there is also a spending limit of about $20.
I do try to keep myself and my kids as busy as possible over Christmas. Cassie came to me the other night and said mommy why can't we have Christmas with our sister and nephew. When can we be a real family like everyone else? How can I answer that? I have tried my best to keep Christmas happy and make sure they have great memories. I just held Cassie and let her talk. I figured she needed to talk without any interferance but still know she is loved. Sometimes we all just need to be held while we cry.
My kids - if you ever read my blog please know I love each of you and you mean so much to me. Merry Christmas
Wednesday, December 22, 2010
Christmas and loss
I feel the loss of adoption especially during Christmas but I never allow my kids to see how it affects me. I don't think my grief should be put on them. No matter how much I love the kids I raised and the life I have I still know someone (now two) are missing from our family get togethers. That hurts and bring sadness to my heart, it hurts more than I usually allow myself to acknowledge. Christmas is family centered with traditions and to know part of your family is missing that is hard. For the persons to be missing is your first born daughter and grandchild words don't express the grief. This mothers heart mourns for those two, for the lost years of my daughters, and for all the losses she will have with Owen. I know it was my decision to place my daughter. I know this is my fault. But it does not make it easier. The sadness and grief is still there. I know I did the unthinkable by placing/abandoning my daughter for adoption.
I know it was supposed to get easier and after 18 years I am still waiting. I'm waiting for the loss to go away and to be thankful for the gifts of adoption to be in my life. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not sure when it will. I don't see adoption a s a gift but just another burden. I'm waiting for the healers salve to help me.
I know this will be the hardest Christmas for Alyssa. The first Christmas of being a mom but not really being a mom in any one elses eye. Christmas nativity with Mary a young mom with a newborn babe. Wondering about your own newborn babe? I know all Alyssa will want is to be with her son but knowing she can't be there the whole day to nurse him, play with him, and put him to bed will hurt her beyond belief. She will constantly think of him but try not to cry. She will, as most natural mothers do, pretend it doesn't hurt. Wipe away the tears before they fall. After the first Christmas you learn to cover up your feelings better to ignore what is happening around you. Oh but that first Christmas hits so hard and so unexpectedly. It seems as if everyone else has gone on with their life but you. You wonder how your family can carry on act like nothing has happened. I do remember that Christmas 18 years ago.
I know I have now learned to keep myself so busy and involved with a hundred things so my mind doesn't feel the pain in my heart. It makes it easier to get through one more day if you don't have to think of what is really happening.
I know it was supposed to get easier and after 18 years I am still waiting. I'm waiting for the loss to go away and to be thankful for the gifts of adoption to be in my life. It hasn't happened yet and I'm not sure when it will. I don't see adoption a s a gift but just another burden. I'm waiting for the healers salve to help me.
I know this will be the hardest Christmas for Alyssa. The first Christmas of being a mom but not really being a mom in any one elses eye. Christmas nativity with Mary a young mom with a newborn babe. Wondering about your own newborn babe? I know all Alyssa will want is to be with her son but knowing she can't be there the whole day to nurse him, play with him, and put him to bed will hurt her beyond belief. She will constantly think of him but try not to cry. She will, as most natural mothers do, pretend it doesn't hurt. Wipe away the tears before they fall. After the first Christmas you learn to cover up your feelings better to ignore what is happening around you. Oh but that first Christmas hits so hard and so unexpectedly. It seems as if everyone else has gone on with their life but you. You wonder how your family can carry on act like nothing has happened. I do remember that Christmas 18 years ago.
I know I have now learned to keep myself so busy and involved with a hundred things so my mind doesn't feel the pain in my heart. It makes it easier to get through one more day if you don't have to think of what is really happening.
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