Christmas and loss

I feel the loss of adoption especially during Christmas but I never allow my kids to see how it affects me.  I don't think my grief should be put on them.  No matter how much I love the kids I raised and the life I have I still know someone (now two) are missing from our family get togethers.  That hurts and bring sadness to my heart, it hurts more than I usually allow myself to acknowledge.  Christmas is family centered with traditions and to know part of your family is missing that is hard.  For the persons to be missing is your first born daughter and grandchild words don't express the grief.  This mothers heart mourns for those two, for the lost years of my daughters, and for all the losses she will have with Owen.  I know it was my decision to place my daughter.  I know this is my fault.  But it does not make it easier.  The sadness and grief is still there.  I know I did the unthinkable by placing/abandoning my daughter for adoption.

I know it was supposed to get easier and after 18 years I am still waiting.  I'm waiting for the loss to go away and to be thankful for the gifts of adoption to be in my life.  It hasn't happened yet and I'm not sure when it will.  I don't see adoption a s a gift but just another burden.  I'm waiting for the healers salve to help me.

I know this will be the hardest Christmas for Alyssa.  The first Christmas of being a mom but not really being a mom in any one elses eye.  Christmas nativity with  Mary a young mom with a newborn babe.  Wondering about your own newborn babe?  I know all Alyssa will want is to be with her son but knowing she can't be there the whole day to nurse him, play with him, and put him to bed will hurt her beyond belief.  She will constantly think of him but try not to cry.  She will,  as most natural mothers do, pretend it doesn't hurt.  Wipe away the tears before they fall.  After the first Christmas you learn to cover up your feelings better to ignore what is happening around you.  Oh but that first Christmas hits so hard and so unexpectedly.  It seems as if everyone else has gone on with their life but you.  You wonder how your family can carry on act like nothing has happened.  I do remember that Christmas 18 years ago.

I know I have now learned to keep myself so busy and involved with a hundred things so my mind doesn't feel the pain in my heart.  It makes it easier to get through one more day if you don't have to think of what is really happening.