These questions were posted on another blog by O solo Mama. I'm going to answer these questions completely honestly. I'm sure that it will rub some people the wrong way but I need to be true to myself and how I really feel. Here are the original questions
1. If open adoption is so great, why do so many people suck at it? By this I mean, not honouring commitments, closing the adoption, telling the other family they’re not “doing this thing” correctly or playing the “for the sake of the child” card?
Why do people suck at it? I don't think people come in realizing that adoption is a lifetime commitment to the natural parents and the child. You don't just take on a new child but there whole family too. Just like in a marriage you don't just marry one person but bring their whole family into your own. You can't expect the natural parents to go away after a certain amount of time, I know this is sometimes expected. The commitment you made to adopt a child is the commitment you keep for the rest of your life. I am sure it is hard to realize that your decision to adopt, what made you a parent, tore apart another family. I'm sure it is hard to see the pain and hurt in the natural families eyes. And there is also insecurity on the adoptive parents. Having the natural parents around reiterates that the child has other loving parents. That the child will never fully be just part of the adoptive family. That the child has another family also that loves them unconditionally. It has to bring the insecurities out. It forces you to realize that you are still infertile and are raising someone elses child.
2. From the standpoint of first parents, open adoption sounds like something that could prolong suffering. Could this suffering potentially outweigh the good of knowing where your child is? Who helps the first parent?
Open adoption does not prolong suffering. Live for years not knowing what your child looks like, what their personality is like, what their name is. That is literally living in Hell. Live for years not knowing if your child is happy, sad, hurt, or even alive. Live for years feeling like something is deeply wrong with your child but not having any contact for years to verify these feelings or to ease the feelings. That is what it is like to live in a closed adoption. Seeing your child and having contact while not easy at any level is less painful. It's important for the child to fully know their natural parents.
Who helps the first parent? I have found I have had to seek help myself the agency did not do anything to help. I would not go to the agency I placed with for help. They give half truths about adoption and do not acknowledge the true pain in adoption. I have read books, seeked supportive people, reading blogs have helped. Being involved with search and reunion groups helps.
If I had real help during my pregnancy there would be no need for adoptive parents. If I wasn't going to LDSFS to look at "all" of my options I would have kept. If I wasn't called a birthmom weekly for months, if I wasn't repeatedly told that I was carrying a child for a worthy family, if I did not believe those lies and had true support I would have kept. There would not have been a need for adoptive parents. What most natural moms don't realize is when you have a child you are insecure and scared. I felt unprepared for all of my kids to come into this world. The questions the agency asks about financial well being, how are you going to provide everything including a college education. I still can't answer all of them. I do not have a college fund ready to go to cover four years of college for each child, some months are still very hard financially. Does that mean I should place all of my children?
3. I’m guessing kids are not hung up on how many relatives they have. Tell me that the thing that hangs up the public all the time about open adoption and other unconventional relationships—two mommies, two daddies, three, four, parents—is the least of your worries because it seems to me it is.
Our society is very uncomfortable with multiple parents especially with natural parents. We are supposed to go away and not point out our loss and pain. To acknowledge us as parents in some peoples eyes makes adoptive parents not the "real" parents. Adoption is a legal way to get a child it is not natural. Acknowledging that children have multiple parents is the truth. Just because a child has 4 parents when there are step parents involved does not change the facts that they can love all of 4 their parents. I have 4 children, I do not love one child more than the others. Each take a separate spot in my heart. Each of them are individual and different.
4. Do you ever feel like you should give this child back? Does the thought ever seize you totally as you watch your child with her bio-family: “ooops?” (OR for f-parents: Do you ever feel as though you need to take this child back? That nothing is stopping you beside an agreement that feels false? Does that feeling go away?)
This is the absolute hardest question. To be honest to myself is not politically correct. If I could do things over would I? Absolutely I would have never placed her. I think that is such a huge mistake in my life and hers. When she is with me, her siblings, and my husband it is natural and feels how things should be. Alyssa is too old to "take back" it is now her choice to decide who she wants a relationship with. Do I want to take her back, truthfully the answer is yes.
5. How do children ever cope with knowing they could not be kept? When they see their natural parents having more kids, what do they think? Who helps the child in this situation? Both sets of parents?
I think we both help with this situation. Both parents have to respond to this. I do not know how the adoptee feels and I always was worried how Alyssa would feel especially since I was unmarried when I got pregnant with Alex and they are only 2 years apart. She could answer this question much better than I. I'm sure there was hurt for me to have another child so fast. She says there wasn't but I'm sure there had to be. I can't really imagine she wasn't ever hurt by that.
6. Can you say comfortably that some surrendering mothers could not cope with an open adoption or do you think that it should always be the standard?
I do not know any natural moms could not deal with an open adoption. I think it is harder on the adoptive parents. Fully open adoption should be the standard. I'm talking more than just pictures and letters but a true relationship. I'm talking about an extension to the family.
7. Is there ever a reason (aside from extreme/illegal behaviours) to close an adoption totally?
No simply absolutely no. Alyssa's biological father is a pedophile. I see in that situation where the child can be in danger than to the 1 person the adoption should be closed but not to the rest of the family. Alyssa does have a relationship with her bio dad through letters since he is in jail. Alyssa is friends with her grandfather and aunt(on her dads side) through facebook. She also is in contact with her uncle and they text each other. He has helped her find some of her family history. I'm sure having contact with her dads family helps her find herself in ways she didn't know was missing. I know seeing pictures of her dad's family has helped. She understands better where she comes from. I truly can not wait til she meets her dad's family in person.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
This week has been going pretty good. Alyssa seems to be very happy over all. Yesterday we were talking on the phone and she called me mommy. I love that she calls me mom usually but she has never said mommy to me. It was so sweet, innocent, and personal.
Alyssa is seeing Owen tomorrow also. I'm so excited for her. I can't wait to see the pics of her and Owen together.
And if it at all possible we are going to meet up in about 2 weeks. We haven't seen each other since October and I miss her. I miss seeing the interaction of all my kids together. I miss getting ready in the morning together. I miss having her borrowing my clothes. I miss seeing her wake up in the morning without make-up on. I miss our late night talks. I miss the way she teases her brothers and sister.
Alyssa is also doing great with the break up between her and her ex now. Every relationship we learn something about ourselves. It helps us grow and improve. She has learned what she is willing to put up with and she realizes her personal worth. She also realized that she deserves to be treated well and restrictions should not be put on her by her boyfriend. She has realized that her opinion does count. She realizes that there are things a lot more important than money.
I am so very proud of her and the decisions she is making in her life. She has had a very rough year and I know 2011 can only get better. I love you my lil Alyssa.
Alyssa is seeing Owen tomorrow also. I'm so excited for her. I can't wait to see the pics of her and Owen together.
And if it at all possible we are going to meet up in about 2 weeks. We haven't seen each other since October and I miss her. I miss seeing the interaction of all my kids together. I miss getting ready in the morning together. I miss having her borrowing my clothes. I miss seeing her wake up in the morning without make-up on. I miss our late night talks. I miss the way she teases her brothers and sister.
Alyssa is also doing great with the break up between her and her ex now. Every relationship we learn something about ourselves. It helps us grow and improve. She has learned what she is willing to put up with and she realizes her personal worth. She also realized that she deserves to be treated well and restrictions should not be put on her by her boyfriend. She has realized that her opinion does count. She realizes that there are things a lot more important than money.
I am so very proud of her and the decisions she is making in her life. She has had a very rough year and I know 2011 can only get better. I love you my lil Alyssa.
Friday, January 7, 2011
More than just a name
I named my daughter Alyssa Mary. Her adoptive parents knew her name when they brought her into their home at 1 week old. They did change her name. Why did they change it? I'm not sure I totally understand. I think for them it was such a small thing that they never considered not changing it. After all newborns are clean slates, right. They have no memory and no feelings. I'm sure it was just that they finally had a child and they wanted to choose the name, they had no attachment to me or the name I gave our daughter. For me it was huge. I never considered that they would change her name when I signed the papers. I assumed that you don't change a child's name. I already felt not good enough to raise my child and now even the name I gave her was not good enough. I carefully thought and picked out her name. I loved the name Alyssa and her middle name is part of my mom's name. I wanted her to have part of her history and that is why I named her after my mom. I knew her last name would change that was obvious but I never expected her name to totally change.
For 17 years all I knew my daughter as was Alyssa. It has only been in the last 2 years that I knew her adoptive name of Kara. In one of the first letters that I received the Aparents told me they had changed her name but I had no idea to what they changed it to. It has been a hard adjustment to call my daughter Kara. In my phone I have her name listed as Alyssa, when I send her a letter I still write Alyssa on the card. When we talk I usually say Kara. More often than not I will just call her honey. It is just easier for me, and I call all of my kids honey, sweetie, or babe.
When Owen was 3 days old after we left Utah on the long drive back to California Alyssa and I were texting. She was having a very rough time. Her milk was coming in, she had gone from a B cup to a large D cup, I know how painful that is. She had barely slept at all in a week and having stitches while driving 600 miles is very uncomfortable to say the least. On top of the physical problems she was dealing wit the loss of her son and he was still in the NICU. We were texting about Owen and his name. His name that Alyssa gave him is Owen Foster. Foster is my grandfather's middle name and my son's Alex name. That was a big deal for me to have my first grandchild to be named after my grandfather and my son. For my daughter to want my family/her original family in her son's name meant more than words could express.
As we were talking I said that she would always think of her son as Owen after all that is and always will be his first given name. That is the name that she wanted him to have. I told Alyssa in my head I think of Alyssa as my daughter my first born but every time I her Kara it reminds me that she isn't my daughter she is J & S daughter. Alyssa told me she understood she thinks of Owen as her son but Tanner is J & T son. (If you were wondering both Owen's and Alyssa's adoptive mom's names start with J ).
While we were texting she said that I could call her Alyssa from now on. She understands how important it is to call your child by their original name. That was such a big deal for me to acknowledge the name that I gave her was okay. It was as if we had came full circle. I hope Owen and his Aparents will understand how important it is for Alyssa to acknowledge her son as Owen.
For 17 years all I knew my daughter as was Alyssa. It has only been in the last 2 years that I knew her adoptive name of Kara. In one of the first letters that I received the Aparents told me they had changed her name but I had no idea to what they changed it to. It has been a hard adjustment to call my daughter Kara. In my phone I have her name listed as Alyssa, when I send her a letter I still write Alyssa on the card. When we talk I usually say Kara. More often than not I will just call her honey. It is just easier for me, and I call all of my kids honey, sweetie, or babe.
When Owen was 3 days old after we left Utah on the long drive back to California Alyssa and I were texting. She was having a very rough time. Her milk was coming in, she had gone from a B cup to a large D cup, I know how painful that is. She had barely slept at all in a week and having stitches while driving 600 miles is very uncomfortable to say the least. On top of the physical problems she was dealing wit the loss of her son and he was still in the NICU. We were texting about Owen and his name. His name that Alyssa gave him is Owen Foster. Foster is my grandfather's middle name and my son's Alex name. That was a big deal for me to have my first grandchild to be named after my grandfather and my son. For my daughter to want my family/her original family in her son's name meant more than words could express.
As we were talking I said that she would always think of her son as Owen after all that is and always will be his first given name. That is the name that she wanted him to have. I told Alyssa in my head I think of Alyssa as my daughter my first born but every time I her Kara it reminds me that she isn't my daughter she is J & S daughter. Alyssa told me she understood she thinks of Owen as her son but Tanner is J & T son. (If you were wondering both Owen's and Alyssa's adoptive mom's names start with J ).
While we were texting she said that I could call her Alyssa from now on. She understands how important it is to call your child by their original name. That was such a big deal for me to acknowledge the name that I gave her was okay. It was as if we had came full circle. I hope Owen and his Aparents will understand how important it is for Alyssa to acknowledge her son as Owen.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Adoption Books
Doe anyone have good adoption books they would recommend? Not how to adopt or what a great blessing adoption is but the nitty gritty about the laws and why we have adoption, how the views of society affect woman in an unplanned pregnancy, the lasting affects of adoption on the natural family and the adoptee.
I have read The girls Who Went Away. loved that book it was the first book that I read that actually told what it was like to place a child. Granted these women had no choice in adoption but their feelings post adoption, their grief, their hurt was the same as mine. I felt a bond and connection to the women in this book.
Another one that I read was Baby Thief: The untold story of Georgia Tann. I read that book and it was well written and made me understand our adoption laws better it also made me sick. I couldn't believe I put my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such a corrupt and seedy system. A system made to cover up illegal past adoptions. A system that made it okay to seal and falsify birth certificates. A system that has in its goal to tear apart families. A system based on money exchanged for a child.
I want to read a few books recommended by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. The first one recommend is Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade. And the other book I want to read also recommended by Amanda is The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered . I have not read Primal Wound but that will be in the next group I get from the library. I do want to read Birthmark also but I will probably have to buy it from Amazon or a used book store since my library does not carry it.
I have read The girls Who Went Away. loved that book it was the first book that I read that actually told what it was like to place a child. Granted these women had no choice in adoption but their feelings post adoption, their grief, their hurt was the same as mine. I felt a bond and connection to the women in this book.
Another one that I read was Baby Thief: The untold story of Georgia Tann. I read that book and it was well written and made me understand our adoption laws better it also made me sick. I couldn't believe I put my daughter, my flesh and blood, in such a corrupt and seedy system. A system made to cover up illegal past adoptions. A system that made it okay to seal and falsify birth certificates. A system that has in its goal to tear apart families. A system based on money exchanged for a child.
I want to read a few books recommended by Amanda at Declassified Adoptee. The first one recommend is Wake Up Little Susie: Single Pregnancy and Race Before Roe v. Wade. And the other book I want to read also recommended by Amanda is The Sins of the Fathers: The Law and Theology of Illegitimacy Reconsidered . I have not read Primal Wound but that will be in the next group I get from the library. I do want to read Birthmark also but I will probably have to buy it from Amazon or a used book store since my library does not carry it.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
I grew up middle class in a very big family. I am child number 4 of 7 kids. There was only 12 years between the youngest and oldest kids. My parents seemed to constantly had babies. There were times that some of us would feel unloved or left out. I don't think it is possible to make 7 children feel loved and adored 100% of the time. I have a hard time with my 4 kids letting them know they are always loved, wanted, and adored 100% of the time.
I was always embarrassed by having so many kids in the family. Where ever we would go people would just watch us and count the number of kids. It was as if we were a phenomenon. I guess we were, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of my friends had at the most 2 siblings and they considered that a rather big family. So we definitely stuck out a bit. My parents owned their home but we didn't have a lot of frivolous extras either. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, we just did not have the name brand clothes or eat out a lot. We always had the basic necessities met. We used to get ice cream about once a month and McDonald's was a privilege and we only had that about once every 3 to 6 months or so.
When I was little I remember my parents telling us a story. It was about a rich couple that wanted a child and a poorer family with lots of kids. The rich couple offered a huge amount for just one child. After all this poor family had too many they could just let one go and then they would have plenty of money to pay for all of the needs of every child and send every child to college. All they had to do is let the rich couple have one child. Sounds simple and easy right. Let one child go for the betterment of all. Of course the poor family could not let even one child go, they loved each child unconditionally and there family would not be the same without each person. My parents told us this story to remind us how important each of us were to them. How they could never replace us and no amount of money would make up for the loss of us.
This story keeps coming back to me lately. How could my parents love us and never want to let one of us go but it was okay for me to let my only child go, my first born child? Did I not as a mother have the same love and feelings for my child that they had for each one of us? I just keep thinking of this story lately how it absolutely relates to adoption. Infertile richer couple just wanting one child and will pay a poorer couple for just one of their children.
I was told during my pregnancy that Alyssa was not meant to be my child that I was just supposed to carry her for another couple. I would have my turn to raise my own child but it would not be this one. After being told this enough times you get to actually believe it. 19 years ago I really did not feel that I was meant to raise my daughter. I believed at the time that fate was leading me to choose adoption. That I would be condemned if I raised her. As a 35 year old woman I look back and can't believe I actually believed that BS. I actually thought that my daughter wasn't really mine. She had my DNA, she was of my flesh, she was and is my daughter but was destined to be with another family. Who tells a mother that? Who actually tries to convince a woman that she isn't meant to raise her own child?
I was always embarrassed by having so many kids in the family. Where ever we would go people would just watch us and count the number of kids. It was as if we were a phenomenon. I guess we were, we lived in the San Francisco Bay Area, most of my friends had at the most 2 siblings and they considered that a rather big family. So we definitely stuck out a bit. My parents owned their home but we didn't have a lot of frivolous extras either. I'm not saying that is a bad thing, we just did not have the name brand clothes or eat out a lot. We always had the basic necessities met. We used to get ice cream about once a month and McDonald's was a privilege and we only had that about once every 3 to 6 months or so.
When I was little I remember my parents telling us a story. It was about a rich couple that wanted a child and a poorer family with lots of kids. The rich couple offered a huge amount for just one child. After all this poor family had too many they could just let one go and then they would have plenty of money to pay for all of the needs of every child and send every child to college. All they had to do is let the rich couple have one child. Sounds simple and easy right. Let one child go for the betterment of all. Of course the poor family could not let even one child go, they loved each child unconditionally and there family would not be the same without each person. My parents told us this story to remind us how important each of us were to them. How they could never replace us and no amount of money would make up for the loss of us.
This story keeps coming back to me lately. How could my parents love us and never want to let one of us go but it was okay for me to let my only child go, my first born child? Did I not as a mother have the same love and feelings for my child that they had for each one of us? I just keep thinking of this story lately how it absolutely relates to adoption. Infertile richer couple just wanting one child and will pay a poorer couple for just one of their children.
I was told during my pregnancy that Alyssa was not meant to be my child that I was just supposed to carry her for another couple. I would have my turn to raise my own child but it would not be this one. After being told this enough times you get to actually believe it. 19 years ago I really did not feel that I was meant to raise my daughter. I believed at the time that fate was leading me to choose adoption. That I would be condemned if I raised her. As a 35 year old woman I look back and can't believe I actually believed that BS. I actually thought that my daughter wasn't really mine. She had my DNA, she was of my flesh, she was and is my daughter but was destined to be with another family. Who tells a mother that? Who actually tries to convince a woman that she isn't meant to raise her own child?
Monday, January 3, 2011
I am feeling like blogging again. I am starting to feel better, I get to that point that the whole adoption crap is overwhelming. It is so personal and sometimes all consuming. I do feel as if we are fighting Goliath with our laws and perceptions. How do you fight against government, religion, and society all in one? How do you stop feeling overwhelmed and learn to take things into a positive direction? I realized I needed to step back for a bit and just enjoy the holidays and not feel overwhelmed. I feel the fire growing in my belly saying it is time to renew my fight to point out the things that our wrong in adoption. I also see that we need to change one person and law at a time. I know that it will take a lot of our voices to get the change done.
The day after Christmas we celebrated Christmas with my husband's dads family. There were close to 40 of us together and we spent the whole day from about 10am to 10pm just enjoying each others companies, eating, playing cards, and bowling.
While I was making gravy I was talking to my husbands Aunt M. She is about 10 years older than me and is looking into adoption. She has tried for 20 years to get pregnant and nothing has worked. A few years ago she started looking into foster care adoption. Even that did not work out for her. Now she is looking into private adoption. M has known for about 4 years about Alyssa. In the past 6 months we have had some very intense conversations. Not anger at all just deep intense personal conversations. M is Alex's Godmother. She is one of the few people that I would absolutely trust my children with. There are family members on my side that I would not leave my kids alone with for even an hour. But M is different she is my husband's aunt by marriage and is so loving and caring. I consider her a part of my family even if she isn't blood related to either my husband or I. Her husband is amazing and uber smart. He knows a little bit about everything. But he never makes you feel inferior either. He is also very gentle and caring and a bit adventurous too. He is the type of person that can fix anything.
M was telling me about this woman that is pregnant and due in February and considering placing her child for adoption with them. I was a bit nervous about talking to M about it. I want her to have a child but to take someone elses and raise it as her own. I didn't want this pregnant woman to feel as my daughter and I have felt about adoption. I didn't want this woman to be taken advantage of. I don't think in any way that M would take advantage of her but I was worried about the agency. M was telling me about this woman, H the expectant mom. H is either 24 or 25(I can't remember) and has an almost 2 year old daughter. She has been in and out of jail since she was 14 and has only raised her daughter for one month of her life. I'm trying to not make judgements here obviuosly there were family issues if H started to get in trouble with the law at age 14. Most kids from a loving nurturing family do not end up in juvenile hall at such a young age. I do feel sorry for her that she hasn't had an amazing happy life. By 25 you should be getting your stuff together and see your future. You should be starting to accomplish goals. You shouldn't still be spending time in jail.
I feel sorry for H to have to be in that situation to be considering placing her child for adoption. I talked to M about keeping the sibling bond to make sure that the children know each other. Through adoption the parents give up the right to raise the child but the bond between siblings should be cherished and never be broken. Siblings need each other on a very deep level. I have seen it in my own 4 children how much they need and love each other. Even though my daughter was separated from the other 3 for 18 years.
I talked to M more about what it was like to be a natural mom and shared with her things I share with very few people. I talked to her about giving space in the hospital about the heartache of adoption and some other things. We talked about how if she does adopt this child that this child needs to know his natural mom and respect her. If you don't have a love and respect for your natural biological parents it is very hard to love yourself completely. We both ended up crying a bit. She has helped me to see the potential adoptive couples point of view and I helped her see the natural mothers point of view. I know so often adoptive couples are only introduced to a few selected natural parents by the agency. The mothers that are very happy and positive and think adoption is grand. I think for her to know me as someone that has moved on and had a good life but still has the deep loss of adoption, someone who hasn't forgotten the pain she sees the other side of adoption. She understands it is not all grand and amazing. Adoption is a tragedy in so many ways.
I do worry about this mother H I know the struggles she will have if she places this child. I know the heartache she will have. I know M will not promise H anything she will and can not follow through with. For that I am grateful. But for this little child we will need to continue to fight the adoption laws. Even though he will know his natural family growing up it should be his right to have access to his OBC. Nothing should stand in his way to get it.
The day after Christmas we celebrated Christmas with my husband's dads family. There were close to 40 of us together and we spent the whole day from about 10am to 10pm just enjoying each others companies, eating, playing cards, and bowling.
While I was making gravy I was talking to my husbands Aunt M. She is about 10 years older than me and is looking into adoption. She has tried for 20 years to get pregnant and nothing has worked. A few years ago she started looking into foster care adoption. Even that did not work out for her. Now she is looking into private adoption. M has known for about 4 years about Alyssa. In the past 6 months we have had some very intense conversations. Not anger at all just deep intense personal conversations. M is Alex's Godmother. She is one of the few people that I would absolutely trust my children with. There are family members on my side that I would not leave my kids alone with for even an hour. But M is different she is my husband's aunt by marriage and is so loving and caring. I consider her a part of my family even if she isn't blood related to either my husband or I. Her husband is amazing and uber smart. He knows a little bit about everything. But he never makes you feel inferior either. He is also very gentle and caring and a bit adventurous too. He is the type of person that can fix anything.
M was telling me about this woman that is pregnant and due in February and considering placing her child for adoption with them. I was a bit nervous about talking to M about it. I want her to have a child but to take someone elses and raise it as her own. I didn't want this pregnant woman to feel as my daughter and I have felt about adoption. I didn't want this woman to be taken advantage of. I don't think in any way that M would take advantage of her but I was worried about the agency. M was telling me about this woman, H the expectant mom. H is either 24 or 25(I can't remember) and has an almost 2 year old daughter. She has been in and out of jail since she was 14 and has only raised her daughter for one month of her life. I'm trying to not make judgements here obviuosly there were family issues if H started to get in trouble with the law at age 14. Most kids from a loving nurturing family do not end up in juvenile hall at such a young age. I do feel sorry for her that she hasn't had an amazing happy life. By 25 you should be getting your stuff together and see your future. You should be starting to accomplish goals. You shouldn't still be spending time in jail.
I feel sorry for H to have to be in that situation to be considering placing her child for adoption. I talked to M about keeping the sibling bond to make sure that the children know each other. Through adoption the parents give up the right to raise the child but the bond between siblings should be cherished and never be broken. Siblings need each other on a very deep level. I have seen it in my own 4 children how much they need and love each other. Even though my daughter was separated from the other 3 for 18 years.
I talked to M more about what it was like to be a natural mom and shared with her things I share with very few people. I talked to her about giving space in the hospital about the heartache of adoption and some other things. We talked about how if she does adopt this child that this child needs to know his natural mom and respect her. If you don't have a love and respect for your natural biological parents it is very hard to love yourself completely. We both ended up crying a bit. She has helped me to see the potential adoptive couples point of view and I helped her see the natural mothers point of view. I know so often adoptive couples are only introduced to a few selected natural parents by the agency. The mothers that are very happy and positive and think adoption is grand. I think for her to know me as someone that has moved on and had a good life but still has the deep loss of adoption, someone who hasn't forgotten the pain she sees the other side of adoption. She understands it is not all grand and amazing. Adoption is a tragedy in so many ways.
I do worry about this mother H I know the struggles she will have if she places this child. I know the heartache she will have. I know M will not promise H anything she will and can not follow through with. For that I am grateful. But for this little child we will need to continue to fight the adoption laws. Even though he will know his natural family growing up it should be his right to have access to his OBC. Nothing should stand in his way to get it.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Goodbye 2010
I haven't posted in a week. Life has definitely been catching up with me. I've had my parents from Utah come into town and my sister from Portland came to town with her two little ones. We have kept busy with a lot of family time. I also had to squeeze in work for several hours on a few days. We were able to visit with old friends too on New Years Eve. On top of those things I also had a cold and a migraine sneak up on me. I had to pass along my cold to everyone else in the family too.
2010 was an absolute crazy year. Constant travel from California to Utah every six weeks or so made it a bit exciting. I hate traveling those 12 hours by car, there is only so much desert I want to see in my life time. Amazingly enough I finally met my Alyssa in person after being apart for 17 years and 51 weeks. She has grown so much in this past year alone. She has gone from a fun loving teenager to a very mature adult. She has taken the hard road to get the maturity but I have seen so much change in her.
I got my fourth tattoo this year and Alyssa got her first professional tattoo, honey no more do it yourself tattoos. Our tattoos match and are very simple just two hearts intertwined on our shoulder. One is blue which is my favorite color and the other heart is green which is her favorite color. It was her idea to get them so we will always have something to tie us together.
I never thought the loss of adoption would "touch" my life again, well more like a train wreck into my life. I do not ever want to be tested to see how much inner strength I have. I might fail that test if it comes up again.
Beginning of 2010 I taught Sunday School to the 8 year olds every Sunday. By the time August came along I had asked to be released and I have only attended church twice since August. I'm just not ready to go back to a place that supports adoption so highly. As of right now there is still too much hurt and I feel betrayed.
I am hoping for a much calmer 2011. One that doesn't have the extreme highs and lows that 2010 has brought us. I am hoping to make a small difference in adoption this year. I hope I can help one mother and child stay together and fight the uphill battle of the adoption industry. Or maybe open up even one persons eyes on the reality of adoption. The toll adoption takes on the adoptee and the natural mother. Adoption doesn't temporarily affect a mother but permanently changes her and rips apart a family. Adoption also takes a huge toll on an adoptee even adoptees that go to great loving families.
2010 was an absolute crazy year. Constant travel from California to Utah every six weeks or so made it a bit exciting. I hate traveling those 12 hours by car, there is only so much desert I want to see in my life time. Amazingly enough I finally met my Alyssa in person after being apart for 17 years and 51 weeks. She has grown so much in this past year alone. She has gone from a fun loving teenager to a very mature adult. She has taken the hard road to get the maturity but I have seen so much change in her.
I got my fourth tattoo this year and Alyssa got her first professional tattoo, honey no more do it yourself tattoos. Our tattoos match and are very simple just two hearts intertwined on our shoulder. One is blue which is my favorite color and the other heart is green which is her favorite color. It was her idea to get them so we will always have something to tie us together.
I never thought the loss of adoption would "touch" my life again, well more like a train wreck into my life. I do not ever want to be tested to see how much inner strength I have. I might fail that test if it comes up again.
Beginning of 2010 I taught Sunday School to the 8 year olds every Sunday. By the time August came along I had asked to be released and I have only attended church twice since August. I'm just not ready to go back to a place that supports adoption so highly. As of right now there is still too much hurt and I feel betrayed.
I am hoping for a much calmer 2011. One that doesn't have the extreme highs and lows that 2010 has brought us. I am hoping to make a small difference in adoption this year. I hope I can help one mother and child stay together and fight the uphill battle of the adoption industry. Or maybe open up even one persons eyes on the reality of adoption. The toll adoption takes on the adoptee and the natural mother. Adoption doesn't temporarily affect a mother but permanently changes her and rips apart a family. Adoption also takes a huge toll on an adoptee even adoptees that go to great loving families.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)