Comment on my last post

I had a comment on my last post but my answers were taking to much space so I thought I would put my response here. The comment was:

I have been reading your blog and I must say I don't think you are giving "credit" where it's due in regards to your birth daughter's aparents. Unless there was/is abuse YOU should be thanking them for raising your child when you ( and your family) could not do it. I' ve always found it disrespectful of bparents who "duck" their responsibilities of raising a child, but yet when the hard work is done,want to claim the credit. Seriously, have you ever thought how hurtful it ,must be for the aparents to hear you call your bchild by her birth name ; I know she gave you her permission. You didn't do any of the hard work, but yet you want to criticize adoption/aparents. 

Ellis,
I'm sorry I have different views of adoption than you.  I'm sorry you have a hard time seeing adoption from my view but I have always been expected to see it from the adoptive parents view.  Since the day I became pregnant I was told about all the families that would want my child.  How I should feel sorry for them.  That I could help them fulfill their dream.  Don't worry I would always have other children.  But this child was never meant to be mine.  Have you ever been pregnant and told that the child you are carrying was never meant to be yours?  That does major psychological damage for years.  I was told that more than once.  I was told that for months. 

I have lived the loss of my daughter, my daughter has lived the loss of her natural family. My daughter has lived as the black sheep in her adoptive family because she never fit in.  I am living the loss of my grandson. Every single person in my family has been affected by the decision for Alyssa to be given up. I do understand that being an adoptive parent is not easy.  In most cases adoption was not first choice.  I understand that you missed out on your dream of having your own children.  But really to support an industry that helps use to coercion to take other women's children. 

I have seen how the adoption agency uses coercive measures to get babies especially healthy ones.  I have had the pressure put on me and seen the same tactics being used on my daughter 18 years later.  I have seen the way they use half truths.  I have seen the way they rip apart a mothers self esteem.  I have seen how they make you feel as if you are not good enough.  Are you okay that those actions are being used?

I have looked in girls faces at the mall that were the same age as my daughter and wondered if it was my child, flesh of my flesh and bone of my bone.  Have you ever done that?  Have you ever been at the grocery store and wondered if the child standing by you is your child?  I have not coveted a strangers child I have only wanted my child that I gave birth to.  My Alyssa that I have loved since conception.  My daughter that I felt her first movement in my womb.  My daughter that I labored 3 days with to deliver into this world.  My daughter that I was told wasn't meant to be my child.  My daughter that I was told I was just a vessel to get her to her real parents.  My daughter that I was told that I was not enough to be her mother.  I have now realized I am enough and she needs me and has always needed me.  She has made it very clear that she needs me her natural mother.

I want laws to change.  I have seen the damage adoption has done to all of my children.  I have talked to many adoptees that tell me things that they are too afraid to tell their adoptive parents and families.

Alyssa can be called what ever she wants.  She is an adult and a mother after all.  I know adoptive parents and our laws like to keep adoptees as children but they do grow up and have opinions and should have equal rights.  equal access to their families and their OBC.

So it doesn't bother you that Alyssa's name was changed even though they knew her name?  It bothers you that I call her by her original name.  The name that I took months and months to pick out.  The name she was called at birth.  The name that is on her original birth certificate.  The name that I wrote on every letter to her for almost 18 years because I was not allowed to know her adoptive name.

Obviously you think it is so easy for natural parents to walk away without a thought or care and then waltz back into our children's lives as a savior.  It is not that simple or easy.  It is not simple for any of us adoptees, adoptive parents, and natural parents.

Alyssa's Aparents have never heard me call her Alyssa.  I have met her amom one time and never met her adad.  I only met her amom when Alyssa was in labor. Alyssa's Amom has never came to the door when I have visited. She has never called me.  She has text me a total of 3 times.  She has made it very clear that I am less than, in her opinion.  I know that comes from her personal insecurities.  That was before I started to blog, I have never once gave her my opinion on adoption.  When we were in the hospital, when our grandson waas born, she barely said one word to me.  That is the type of person that raised my daughter.  If she thinks so little of me she must not think a lot of my daughter.  My daughter looks, thinks, and acts just like me.  We could finish each others sentences the first day we met in person.  I understand adoptive parents would be jealous of that connection.  That instant love we have for each other.  The similarities that they will never have.  I did not raise her but she always has been apart of me.

Do you not think that all parents should be given the help, resources, and confidence to raise their children?  
Babies know their mothers by sound, smell, and taste.  Babies thrive on breast milk and skin to skin contact with their mothers.  I guess that is every baby but adopted ones, right?  Adoption is second best.  A family has to be torn apart to create another one.  Are you okay with tearing apart families?  Are you okay for a birth certificate with lies?  Do you realize how many adoptees want to know their natural family?  Want to know where they fit in? Do you not think that every family should be preserved and respected?  Or is that only for married couples?

Now we are told adoption is about love.  If it is about love and putting the child's well being in front of your own why don't adoptive parents help adoptees find their natural parents?  Why don't they help get their children the original birth certificate?  Why don't adoptive parents help the adoptee come back to their natural families?  Oh yeah because only for natural parents is it about love.  We are the ones that should sacrifice for the rest of our lives.  That's right for a minute I forgot my place in this.  I am sorry I am no longer that scared 16 year old but a confident 35 year old.  A mother that loves all of her children unconditionally.  A mother that always puts her children first even when I am dying inside.

As far as being thankful I am thankful my daughter was not sexually abused.  I am thankful that Alyssa's aparents loved her.  But should I be thanking them for sending my daughter to a boarding school for bad kids because they didn't like her behavior?  Should I thank Alyssa's parents that when my daughter was pregnant they were more worried about what the neighbours would think than how they could truly help my daughter.  They did not consider that the child growing inside her was their grandchild, yes those are their words not mine.  They only were worried about the scandal.  Whos needs and desires wer put first in that situation?

After 22 years of being adoptive parents they never looked into the damage that adoption can do to adoptees.  I looked into that.  I read books I tried to understand all the roles in this.  I had to admit to myself and my daughter the damage that I caused her when I signed away my rights. When I walked away from the hospital without my baby.  When I allowed her to be raised by strangers.

Husband's "about me" change

I don't know about everyone else but when I started up my face book account I put in the basics "about me" only once.  I only changed it once and I forget even what is there.  I originally wrote down I had 3 kids and my husband did the same.  After Alyssa came back into our life I changed my about me to say something along the lines of having a bunch of teenagers.  I added Alyssa on face book as one of my children, but she initiated that.  I did not do it before reunion because it hurt too much.  Honestly I wasn't ashamed of her.  I am not now and I never have been for 1 second ashamed of my children.  I was not ashamed when she was 17 and pregnant, she had sex and got caught.  I am much more ashamed of the decision to place my child for adoption.  I never realized that adoption would so profoundly affect all of us.  It affects my grandmother, my parents, my nieces, nephews, siblings, my children, and my grandchildren. 

My husband never changed his "about me" on face book to say anything other than 3 kids.  On the side where you can connect to show who your parents and children are, it does show all 4 kids.  Alyssa sent Jer a message on his wall saying, "Hey dad it shows you only have 3 kids are you leaving out Kenny or Cassie"  I love her sarcasm and her self confidence.   She sent that to him on Monday.  Last night he changed his "About me" section.  It now says, "I'm living in California with my beautiful wife. We have 4 kids. The oldest lives in Utah.  Two in high school and the youngest in middle school. Always busy with family, work, and the Boy Scouts."  When anyone asks he now always says 4 kids.  No explanations just simply we have 4 kids.

My husband I love you so much!  You not only have taken in my daughter but you treat her as your own, you show her respect and love.  It has never been, "your daughter" but he always says our oldest daughter.  I have not pressured in the slightest either Alyssa or Jeremy to form a relationship.  I told Alyssa from the beginning she can call me and Jer by our first names.  I have asked her not to use the term birth mom towards me.  To me that is a very hurtful  term.  Others may accept it but I can not.  She chose on her own to call me mom and Jeremy dad. 

If we do something for one of the kids we do it for all 4.  If we are spending $50 on birthday presents for Cassie we are spending the same amount on the 3 other kids.  In all respects Alyssa is Jeremy's child, in his heart.  He even offered to help her raise Owen, so she could keep him.  There was too much pressure on her coming from every other angle.  There was pressure coming from her adoptive parents, Owen's PAP's, her friends, LDSFS, and even strangers.  We were on a lone island 800 mile away offering help.  We weren't there to intercept the constant daily pressures.   I had abandoned her once why wouldn't I do it again?  After all who would you trust more the people that raised you and claim to love you unconditionally or the person that just shares your genetics?

Even through this chaotic emotional year he is there for us.  He has made it possible for me to see Alyssa every few months.  He has made it so all of the siblings have a great relationship.  Alyssa sometimes tells Jer things before she comes to me.  She will tell him  things if she thinks it will hurt me then they figure out together how to break the news.  He has never betrayed her trust either.  I am so grateful for him.  Really how many people find a great man days after they turn 18?

Alyssa said one of the things she likes about her new boyfriend is that he reminds her of Dad (Jeremy).  Maybe that is why I like Ian so much too.  He does have a lot of Jeremy's great characteristics.  Physically they are totally different but very similar personalities.

Tahoe time

I hadn't seen Alyssa since October and we were both having a hard time with that.  She finally had off 3 days in a row so we decided to meet up in Tahoe.  Tuesday night we headed up from the Bay Area to Tahoe.  We had about a 4 hour drive,  Alyssa was leaving from Utah Wednesday morning and driving the 8 hours to Tahoe.  She was bringing her new boyfriend for us to meet.  Wednesday during the day we went up to "the village"  to look around and do some window shopping.  The kids went sledding and we played card games while we waited for Alyssa to show up. 

She finally arrived around 5:30 Wednesday.  It happened to be her boyfriends birthday too.  We had homemade chili that was amazing.  My husband makes great turkey chili, Alyssa even grabbed the recipe so she could make it at home.  As a surprise for Ian, Alyssa's boyfriend, I had made a small cake for his birthday. He was shocked that we would do that.  He is such a great guy.  He is definitely the type of person I have wanted my daughter to date.  He constantly puts her needs ahead of his owns, he opens doors for her, he listens to her, he validates her opinions, he makes her feel  special and wanted.  I know it is new in their relationship but he is the type of person I want in my daughters life.  He does have tattoos and piercings but those things don't reflect the person, at least in my eyes.  He was so happy to just hang out with us.  We didn't do anything crazy or go out and discover new places.  We hung out, talked, laugh, and played card games, went in the spa, and enjoyed being together.  Ian just easily played games with Kenny and Alex as Alyssa and I just talked.  He didn't try to make sure she was paying attention to him, there was no jealousy from Ian when she sat by her brothers.  It was relaxing and we were instantly comfortable around each other.

I will admit I was nervous about meeting this new boyfriend.  I was worried he wouldn't like us.  I was worried that he would be horrible for her.  I was worried that he couldn't fully understand and accept my daughter as a natural mom. I was worried that he wouldn't understand our relationship after all I am only her "birth mom". To a lot of people not touched ran over by adoption they think us natural moms should disappear out of our children's life.

 How many 18 or 19 year old men can understand and support a natural mom?  How many are willing to listen to the pain, hear us talk, and not turn away.  I have found 2 men at just 18 years old that have the maturity to try to understand our pain.  The first was my husband and the other one is Ian.  He is not perfect on every level but neither is Alyssa, but they seem to be good for each other.  I can tell he truly cares about my daughters feelings.  I really adore him.  Even if they do not work out as a couple I see them having a very strong friendship.  He has only seen pictures of Owen but he accepts Owen as my daughters son.  Ian doesn't see Owen as a child that will come back to haunt her but  just as my daughter's son. 

Alyssa's last boyfriend was always all over her physically when I was around.  It was as if he was claiming ownership.  Ian was very aware that we are her parents and to show us respect by giving Alyssa distance physically.  He would hold her hand but not try to make out with her in front us.  He seemed just as happy to sit by Jeremy as he was to sit by Alyssa.  I see a glimpse of  Alyssa being naturally happy when she is around Ian.  I don't see her trying to be happy but really being relaxed and happy.  I have wanted this for her for so long.  I teasingly asked Ian where was he a year ago. 

We had a blast Wednesday night and Thursday we went back to the village.  Jer worked by answering phones and doing emails.  Luckily for him the Starbucks has free internet.  Ian, Kenny, Alex, and Cassie went ice skating while Alyssa and I talked.  Us girls went window shopping too.  The day was very relaxing.  After we got back to the cabin the 3 younger kids went sledding.  It was more ice than snow though.  Ian had fell earlier ice skating and got his knee swelling pretty well.  He was okay just a bit sore. 

That night for dinner we had spaghetti and then went to the spa again.  Everyone over 18 went in the spa while the teenagers went to play video games.  After we got back home we made smores.  Oh so yummy, there is something about mountains and snow that makes me want to make smores.  Alyssa asked if she can sleep in my bed that night.  So Cassie, Alyssa, and I shared a bed.  It was so sweet to have both of my daughters with me.  They both love to cuddle while they sleep too.

Friday morning we cleaned up to get ready to leave to go to our separate homes.  Alyssa and I kept getting side tracked and talked alone while we were supposed to be packing.  Cassie, Alyssa, and I cried for a bit too.  We never seem to have enough time together.  We had to get some family pictures so we drove over to the lake and went to my husband's grandfather's cabin.  I have wanted to take her her for so long.  Every year we have family pictures taken on the rocks at Lake Tahoe but Alyssa has always been missing.  We finally got them taken.  Alyssa almost instantly recognized the spot where we took the pictures.  When she was stalking me on facebook, before we met, I had set my profile picture as one of Jer and I on the same rocks. 

It looks like I am going to be going out to Utah the beginning of March to spend a few days there and then we are going to drive out to California together.  Ian and Alyssa will be in California with us for a week.  I can't wait  to see them again. I will also be able to see Owen when I go out to Utah in March.  I can't wait to see that adorable little boy.  I can't wait to see my daughter hold her son again. 

Adoption Study going around the blogosphere

Adoption statistics for mothers who place a child for adoption

Significantly, unwed mothers who choose adoption do better than mothers who choose to be single parents:

• They have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty and receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.
• They delay marriage longer are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce.
• They are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.
• They are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

Source: McLaughlin SD, Manninen DL, Winges LD, Do Adolescents Who Relinquish Their Children Fare Better or Worse Than Those Who Raise Them? Family Planning Perspectives, 20:1 (Jan. - Feb., 1988), pp. 25-32

Adoption statistics for adopted children

Adopted children do as well as or better than their non-adopted counterparts, according to a 1994 study by the Search Institute, a Minneapolis-based public policy research organization providing leadership, knowledge and resources to promote healthy children, youth and communities. This study, the largest examination of adopted adolescents yet undertaken, concludes:

• Teens who were adopted at birth are more likely than children born into intact families to live with two parents in a middle-class family.
• Adopted children score higher than their middle-class counterparts on indicators of school performance, social competency, optimism and volunteerism.
• Adopted adolescents generally are less depressed than children of single parents and less involved in alcohol abuse, vandalism, group fighting, police trouble, weapon use and theft.
• Adopted adolescents score higher than children of single parents on self-esteem, confidence in their own judgment, self-directedness, positive view of others and feelings of security within their families
.
• On health measures, adopted children and children of intact families share similarly high scores, and both those groups score significantly higher than children raised by single parents.
• Seven percent of children adopted in infancy repeated a grade, while 12 percent of children living with both biological parents repeated a grade.
• Compared with the general child population, children placed with adoptive couples are better off economically.

Data indicates that adopted children:

• Do better in educational attainment than single parent children and children raised by grandparents.
• Enjoy a quality of home environment superior to all the other groups.
• Have superior access to health care compared to all other groups

The above Study has gone around the blogosphere promoting adoption.  Can you really see anything bad about it?  Come on obviously adoption is great for everyone. Shoot it is so great I have no idea why everyone doesn't place all of their children for adoption. The adoptee is much brighter and well rounded then if they lived with their natural family.  Obviously adoptive parents surpass natural parents.  I will not speak for adoptees because several have already explained why the adopted children seem to do better than natural children.  I can easily explain the side of the natural mother though. 

Lets take the first point:

They have higher educational aspirations, are more likely to finish school, and less likely to live in poverty and receive public assistance than mothers who keep their children.

Well if you do not have to worry about daycare, feedings, and normal mother duties and the reason why you placed is because of money wouldn't you have aspirations of high education?  A lot of times natural moms have to throw them selves into something to survive such a loss.  For a lot of natural moms the goal is work, education, marry, and then get pregnant.  We try to do those things as fast as possible but each will take a significant amount of time.  Where as immediately after you have a baby you start paying for things so you have to get to work and not necessarily be going to school or see a viable way to continue your schooling.   Of course most parents that keep instead of place will live in poverty temporarily and receive some sort of public assistance.   If they had all financial needs taken care of they would never think of placing.  Does poverty/poor mean bad parents though?

Second point:

They delay marriage longer are more likely to marry eventually, and are less likely to divorce.

Duh of course they delay marriage longer.  Since the mother is no longer tied to the father legally she will more likely delay marriage longer.  She will not be looking for a father figure for her child.  I can tell you exactly why women are less likely to divorce after relinquishment, you feel as though placing your child will be used against you.  Almost any fate in life is easier to deal with than losing another child. 

Third point:

They are more likely to be employed 12 months after the birth and less likely to repeat out-of-wedlock pregnancy.

Well when you are having a hard time looking for work around child care needs and you take off time for doctors appointments and sick babies you are more likely to lose your job.  Having a child out of wedlock is terrifying after you have placed.  You are so scared and afraid.  Any fate is better than another unplanned pregnancy.  I wonder if this "study" also has taken into account the number of women that are infertile after placement?  That would lower the percentage of women having out of wedlock babies after placement too.  

Fourth point:

They are no more likely to suffer negative psychological consequences, such as depression, than are mothers who rear children as single parents.

I did find the study below and it goes totally against the above study.  I wonder if 24% of woman suffer from depression when they are single mothers.  12% of natural mothers needing inpatient treatment as the study below indicates.  I think the above statement is a bunch of BS.  I can tell you comparatively I have suffered much more negatively than my sister who kept.  We grew up in the same family, we were raised the same way, we even had our first child at the same age.

“While only an insignificant proportion of birth mothers had been diagnosed with a mental health problem before adoption (three percent), in the time between the parting and contact, 24 percent had psychiatric diagnosis mainly for depression, with half of them having inpatient treatment."This is from the most comprehensive follow-up survey of first mothers after surrender, one done published by the British Association for Adoption & Fostering, the leading UK-wide membership organization for all those concerned with adoption, fostering and child care issues

And then there is this study below that I'm sure not one adoption agency would touch.

Google “suicide and adoption” and what pops up is an entry from Pediatrics, “Adoption as a Risk Factor for Attempted Suicide during Adolescence.”[2] The main conclusion of the three authors? Adolescents who live with adoptive parents are more likely than their peers to attempt suicide. The researchers at the University of Cincinnati College of Medicine looked at more than 6,500 students in grades seven through twelve and found that nearly eight percent (7.6) of those who were adopted had attempted suicide in the past year, compared with only three percent of their peers. They were also more likely to receive psychological counseling, nearly seventeen percent (16.9) of adopted youth compared with eight percent  (8.2) of the non-adopted.

This week

We have kept awfully busy.  Kenny and Cassie have had 2 concerts, Jer had one evening work meeting, Jer had 2 scout meetings this week, and I have had one major meeting.  Put that on top of the normal school, work, and running kids around everywhere and I am ready for a day off. 

Cassie's concert was the major fundraiser of the year for her orchestra.  I had been in charge of keeping track of the money for tickets, donations, silent auction, and the giving tree.  This concert was not done at the school but downtown at a major venue.  The kids felt like professionals.  Friday was the concert so volunteers and the students arrived around 1:30.  We had to set up the instruments, silent auction, and t-shirt sells.  As the kids were practicing they still seemed to be rambunctious teenagers.  While the different groups practiced us volunteers had to corral the other kids and keep them quiet and calm as possible.  Then at 6:30 the kids changed into their all black matching orchestra attire.  As they came back in there demeanour started to change.  They quieted down as they became more nervous.  They watched as their parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, and friends slowly came in.  Everyone was dressed up.  We had people that were in the building for other reasons come up to see when the performance started after they heard these kids practice.  We ended up selling close to 700 tickets.

The intermediate, advanced, and chamber students started the concert at 7:30pm.  They were absolutely amazing.  I am so glad my kids have been involved with this amazing program.  I truly appreciate the time their teacher has put into with our kids.  I have known this teacher for 4 years and he is the best teacher I ever met in my entire life.  I seriously have never met a better teacher and I am so glad my kids have had him for so many years. 

Yesterday we had a baby shower for my mother-in-laws god daughter.  Of course I could not say no to helping with this also. It was so cute and fun.  After that we had tickets to the hockey game.  I did not go because we were one ticket short for the family.  Mid day, as if we did not have enough going on Ken had his concert.  His was a much smaller one at the high school.  He enjoyed laying.  He absolutely loves the viola.

Today I have spent most of the day adding up the final sales.  I have to have spreadsheets finished and all money in the right accounts by Tuesday.  This coming Tuesday we are headed up to Tahoe for 3 days.  We are meeting Alyssa and her new boyfriend there.  We are all super excited and tomorrow night we have to spend the evening packing.  Well after the scout meeting we will be packing. 

Put yourself in my shoes

I am trying to write this eloquently but the words are not coming to me right now.  I hope I can convey what I feel without anger and bitterness.  I have often wondered about adoptive parents.  Since I am not one and would never adopt a newborn I can not speak for them.

 I am totally against prospective adoptive parents being in the hospital when a child is born.  The child is not theirs.  It adds to the pressure of mothers to place when adoptive parents are in the hospital and take claim to the child before the child is placed for adoption.  Every mother and child deserves the time to bond.  Every mother deserves time (more than 48 hours) with her child.  The mother should not have to put the adoptive couples feelings ahead of her own especially right after delivery.  The adoptive couple is not paper pregnant, the child did not grow in their hearts.  Adoptive parents should not take claim to the child before the mother and father signs surrender papers.  This includes referring to themselves as "the parents", thanking the mother for the "gift" hours after birth, and not giving the mother room to make the decision to surrender. I understand the adoptive couple wants the child and see the child as theirs, but the child is not theirs and the mother deserves the respect and space to fully make the decision without pressure.  Surrendering a child will affect the mother and child for the rest of their lives, allow them peace to make the decision.  Leave the mother a way out so she doesn't feel obligated to place.  Is having respect and love for the mother of your prospective child that hard?  Is putting another persons feelings ahead of your own that difficult?

 I want to know how adoptive parents come to terms if they know the main reason a child is being placed is because of lack of money from the mother.  If they know the mother could make a good parent given a few resources? Adoption is not the answer to infertility.  Adoption does not change the fact that the child will never truly be ONLY the adoptive parents child, the child will always have other parents.  Adoption does not make the child look and act like the adoptive parents.  Adoption does not replace what a biological child would have been.

Children should be adopted when they are orphaned and no one from their family can or are willing to take care of them.  When a woman decides without coercion to place then and only then should a woman place. 

I wonder how often adoptive parents look fully into all aspects of adoption.  Would they read books like Primal Wound?  Or is it easier not to read those books?  Would they read The Girls Who Went Away?  Would they read studies about the suicide and depression rate after surrender by natural mothers?  Would they read studies about higher suicide rate in adoptees during teenage years?  Or is the only thing important is the fact that they can cover up their infertility by raising someone else's child?  How many adoptive parents even know what an Original Birth Certificate is?  How many adoptive parents would truly help their child get their OBC?  Not just words but action in getting their child's OBC.

I personally have never been contemplated suicide over adoption.  There have been times I did not know how I would make it through another day living with being a natural mom.  The thing that truly got me through was I wanted to be able to tell Alyssa my truth.  I didn't want her to think I was weak or that she ruined me.  Also since I did have my other children so fast after her I couldn't leave them, I couldn't let them grow up without me.  I do understand the reason why natural moms commit suicide, I understand their lows, I understand not wanting to hurt one more moment, I understand not being able to wait until your child is 18 or 21 to tell them your truth and to get to know your child.  I understand the pain that is caused by relinquishment.  I understand that it never truly goes away.  Do adoptive parents understand this?  Have they ever considered suicide because of infertility?  How many infertile couples that do not adopt have either partner committed suicide directly because they could not parent their own child? 

According to  Triseliotis, John, Julia Feast, & Fiona Kyle, The Adoption Triangle Revisited (2005), p. 91. “While only an insignificant proportion of birth mothers had been diagnosed with a mental health problem before adoption (three percent), in the time between the parting and contact, 24 percent had psychiatric diagnosis mainly for depression, with half of them having inpatient treatment."

 I understand that society and especially adoptive parents sees it as well you (as natural parents) should be comforted because you eased the adoptive couples pain.  You allowed them to be parents.  Someone that is ready and wanting to be parents.  I have heard besides you can have more kids.   While that may be true it is not always.  According to different reports up to 40%  of natural mothers do not have more children after relinquishment.

I hope more PAP read about adoption.  Not the bright glorious side or the saving a baby from poverty side. I hope more PAP read fully about adoption. The side agencies don't want them to find out about. If PAP coupes actually read these blogs that talk about natural mothers and adoptees pain and tried to understand it from the other 2 parts of the triad would they adopt?  Or would they put blinders on?  It is easier not to see others pain.  It is easier to think but my situation is different.  My child will be different, my child's natural parents won't hurt for that long.  Covering up the pain or being silent about the pain does not make the pain any less sever.

Pressure and coercion

Please read this first.  It is a very well written blog by Robin.  She always writes well and gets me thinking.  She is a mom from the BSE/EMS.  We both lost our children through adoption but about 20 to 30 years apart (I think).  It is so sad that even today, almost 19 years after I placed Alyssa  with our freedom and "open minded"  society that when an unmarried woman gets pregnant in her teens to early 20s she is pressured to place her child.  I am sure that the person giving the advice to place is doing from their heart.  They do not realize how it will fully affect a woman and her child for the rest of her life.  If adopters and society truly knew how the loss of your child through adoption affects both mother and child through out their lives adoption rates would go down even more. 


 Isn't it amazing that when your hormones are going crazy, when your fertility is high, when you have the most energy that is when it is best for your body to be pregnant and take care of toddlers.  Even as early as 27 years old your fertility rate starts to decline.  According to some studies by the time you are 30 your fertility rate goes down by 90%.  Our society looks down on woman when they allow nature to happen.  When women are too young, do not have a full college education and have not put in 10 years into their careers we as a society don't think they should have babies.   We think of young moms as welfare moms.  Moms that will never have anything, babies having babies.  I still hear that I am a baby having babies.  My kids are teenagers and I'm only 35.  Most of my kids friends parents are 50 or older.(Did that even make sense to you?  I hope so.)   Some of us do need a hand up and help from our community but that does not mean that we are worthless or stupid or not good enough for our own children.  I remember when I was 4 to 6 months pregnant with Alyssa my older "caring" brother looked at me said "Why would you do this to yourself?  You are going to get fat, ugly, and no man will ever want you once you have this baby"  Amazing family support, there.  Yes brother I used a turkey baster and did this all by myself, I also stole sperm from an unwilling guy.  Isn't it great that girls can get themselves in "that" situation alone.

What people don't always think about is that is actually the best time fertility wise to get pregnant is when you are young, when you do have the energy.  It is much harder to get pregnant once you wait for the ideal time.  I will tell you by the time I am 45 I will have all of my kids grown with the youngest being 22.  My full education can wait until then.  My desires to climb the corporate ladder can wait.  My children are much more important than monetary things.  Nothing can replace them.  We do not have the biggest house but we do manage.  The kids do not have their own horse, when they turn 16 we do not buy them a car, they are not given everything their hearts desires.  They have learned to manage with the necessities.  I have learned to cook well so we don't eat out.  I have learned to save money well.  I have only had a pedicure once my whole life and never have I gone and gotten a massage at a spa.  Do I feel deprived?  Absolutely not those things are not a big deal to me.


I was talking to Alyssa yesterday and we had talked about her good friend that is 4 months pregnant.  Since this girl, L, found out she was pregnant adoption has been brought up a lot to her.  She wants her baby, she wants to raise him/her.  She is this child's mom.  The society she lives in, Utah,  does not see her as good enough.  Why isn't she good enough?  Simply she doesn't have a ring on her finger and a degree.  A piece of metal is making people judge her.  Who has the right to pressure to a woman to place her child?  If these people who are her family and friends truly loved her they would be supporting her.  They would try to help her.  She would not be handed PAP literature.  She would not be given business cards and "dear birthmom" letters by PAPs and their friends.  She would not have been told that she won't make a good parent, that she will ruin this baby and her life.  She would not have been told that someone would love to raise her child.  She would love to raise her own child.  She is this child's mom.  She would not be advised to just go to LDSFS to see all of her options.  All of her options? Really?  Do they advise on getting an abortion?  No they give half truths only. They show studies on how the adopted fair so much better than the non adopted but they do not give studies showing higher suicide rates in teens that are adopted.   
L has been told that she will need help to raise her child and her family wont help.  Duh of course she will need help.  Don't we all?  I have a good supportive family that has helped me raise my 3 kids.  I call on my mom for advice.  She is the one I go to when I wonder if the kids need to go to the doctor, if they need stitches, or I am just over reacting.  Jer's parents are amazing.  I consider his mom my kids second mother.  She fills in for me when I can't.  They go to her house after school.  When she leaves for vacation the first thing she wants to do when she is back home is see my kids.  We lived with Jer's parents the  first year of Alex life and we lived with them about 6 years ago for 1 year while we saved up for a house.  It isn't uncommon for the kids to want to spend the night at her house once every few weeks.  We have dinner with them several times a month. 

When I need a babysitter I rely on my sisters and nieces too.  My kids and their older cousins have formed a bond that is more like close friends than just cousins.  My kids know they can talk to their cousins when they need advice.  I have told my daughter and sons that if there is a time that they are ready to have sex but do not feel comfortable coming to me or their dad they can go to their cousin Cheri or Chantel to help them get on birth control and get condoms.  Shoot I would rather them use a condom than get an STD.  If they can't come to me they need to go to someone that loves them and will help them.   Someone that will give them good advice.  I expect my kids to be there to help with their youngest cousins.  My kids babysit and play with their younger cousins.  We are building a bond between them so these little 2 and 5 year olds have support from their older teenage cousins.  They will have examples to look up to.  This is how families and society should work, we help each other.

L is going to cosmetology school and working.  She is trying to improve her circumstances.  She is living with the baby's dad in an apartment.  To a lot of people in her community that is still not good enough.  They are not married and fully settled down they don't seem really responsible.  Besides she can just have another baby later.  My heart aches for her.  I know the pressure she will receive and has received.  If I could take her into my home and teach her to be a mother I would but there is 800 miles separating us.  I will do what I can to help her.  I never want her to know the loss my daughter and I live with every day.  I feel sorry for L's mom that she doesn't see the worth in her own daughter.  As my dear friend Melynda puts it  "she needs a  place where young expectant mothers can come to be relieved of the societal pressures to place for adoption and instead be taught of their true worth in the eyes of God.  They will learn that God is crazy about them and would never want one of His precious daughters to suffer the lifetime agony only a first mother knows."

I found this quote on someone's blog but I don't remember where I found it, I apologize for stealing it.  "I want people to know that having a young mom is better than losing your mom. People who can’t have children have no right to separate a child from her mother, family and heritage." 

I have so much more to write but my life is waiting so I better finish this post now.