Going private

I need to put my blog private for a while.  If you would like to continue reading just send me your email and I will add you as a reader.  I will be going private on Friday. 

Jeannette

Happy thoughts of the day

I just had to put up a few funny things that have happened over the last couple of days.  We were driving back to my house Sunday from Utah, I was the first driver and we stopped at Elko to fill up the tank. And it was snowing, I have never driven in snow and I did not feel safe so we also switched drivers.  I stayed by the car to fill up the tank as Alyssa and Ian went inside to use the bathroom and get food.  I finished filling up the tank and Alyssa came to the car.  I then went to the bathroom and passed Ian while he ordered his food.  As I passed I said "Hi Honey".  I call everyone honey or sweetie that I care about.  It is not sexual at all, it is a term of endearment.   The people at the counter gave me a very weird look.  I thought that was strange.  Why are they looking at me like that?  I later mentioned to Alyssa about the weird look I got from the workers at the sandwich shop.  Alyssa said oh, "well when I was in there with Ian I gave him a hug and kissed him."  Then you walked in immediately after and called him honey.  I guess that did seem a little weird to the workers.  Maybe I should have explained to the workers that Ian is not the next Hugh Hefner.  To top it off I colored my hair while we were in Utah and now Alyssa's and my hair color are very similar too.  Most everyone has assumed we are sisters, which Alyssa proudly corrects then and says no that is my mama.

Last night Alyssa had to look for something in the house and she didn't want to.  So she complained uggh I have to burn calories to do that.  I do not want to, too much effort.  About 30 minutes later Cassie wanted to play video games with Ian but she had to open a drawer and move things around to find the game she wanted.  She looked at me and asked if I would move the video games and show her which ones were in there so she could choose the right one without moving.  I told Cassie no I will not do that, go look for it yourself if you want to play a game.  She said "But mom that is too hard and would require effort"  I just looked at Ian and said wow you would think that my 2 daughters were raised together. 

Just had to share those things.

My crazy week part 1

What a week, I hope to never relive such a tough week again, I really don’t know if tested if I would live through it. There has only been a 2 other times in my life that I have felt so low and just wanted to die. If you are going to respond to this post with anything insensitive please walk away now. I can’t deal with it I am at my breaking point.

The 26^th my daughter started getting crazy texts from her ex that was definitely harassing/stalking. He didn’t stop for hours. My daughter was working when he was texting her. She repeatedly asked him to leave her alone and he kept on with his crap. She ended up driving home when her shift was over and had a panic attack. She had to pull over and just try to calm herself down. Of course on Sunday the 27th was Alyssa's birthday.

On Wednesday I was on face book and I saw a status update from Owens adoptive mom saying “As of yesterday Owen is officially our son. We were able to finish the paperwork in court yesterday. It was an amazing experience. Thank you to everyone who has helped along the way. We will be sealed on Saturday and blessing him on Sunday. We are so blessed to have this sweet little boy in our lives and count ourselves privileged to be his parents. Thank you Thank you Thank you.” Wow to get that as a facebook status instead of a phone call, it was as if my daughter was a mere acquaintances and bystanders in this.  I knew my daughter did not know.  I talk to Alyssa several times a day and if she knew she would have told me.  Of that I am sure.  So what should I do?

I knew Alyssa does not have internet at her house and she does at work.  So she might see it at work and have no one to support her or hopefully she doesn't see it at all.  I couldn't risk her seeing it at work with no support. So I texted her boyfriend let him know what was going on and asked him does he want to tell her in person or does he want me to call her I just wanted to make sure he was home with her.  I didn't want her to be alone and hurting.   I knew she would feel cheated and heart broken to see this on face book. I knew it would deeply hurt her. She assumed Owens adoptive mom would call her own parents and fill them in on the news but Owens natural mom was left to read it on face book. It is such a deep hurt and slap in the face.   This couple had promised my daughter that she would be part of their family that they were joining each other but now from our point of view it seems so different.  We made it through Wednesday and we were still alive

My next trial was Thursday and I was not prepared for this in the slightest.  Before I tell you what happened you have to understand that adoption does affect us mothers on such a deep level. It affects every decision we make with our raised children. I was talking with Kenny Thursday night who is 14. I found out he had a girlfriend which is weird because he rarely keeps things from me especially about a new girlfriend.  I told him I liked her but her parents will not allow her to have a boyfriend and they shouldn't do things behind her parents back.  He took it as I didn’t like his new gf so he left the house. Yes he just walked out and left. He texted me and said I was making him choose between his gf and me. When all I said was I don’t like it that his gf won’t tell her parents they are together. I just texted him and said I love you please come home. He replied no. So I went to look for him and found him. It made him run. I am freaking out on the inside but calm on the outside. I asked my husband to just bring my baby home but be gentle and don't scare him.

A few minutes later my 14 year old came in and we talked. I told him how it scared me when he left I didn’t know where he was or if someone would kidnap him it was at night and very dark. I told him I already had one child that I did not know for years if she was alive or dead, happy or sad, I can’t live through that again. We both cried, hugged, and apologized.

And to top all of this off I have been working more hours than normal at my job and things have been chaotic over there.
A few weeks ago we had received a card in the mail announcing that the adoptive parents of Owen were celebrating their forever family on Saturday the 5^th. I was flying in to see Owen and to be there for Alyssa. I knew it would be hard but I didn’t know how extremely hard.

I will continue this on my next post.

What makes a mom?

"Conception, nine months of pregnancy and 3-36 hours of labor do not a mother make - motherhood requires a lifetime of service."
"You do have instant love for a baby when they are first born, but that love grows beyond belief when you take care of them. Each diaper you change, each bottle you feed, each sleepless night rocking your baby, trying to comfort them. Your love grows stronger and stronger. Just because your adoptive mom adopted you does not mean she has any less love for you than my mom, who carried me in her womb, or I for my five children. It is the selfless service that you render to your child that makes you love them so much. I'm sure you have noticed this in your visits with your son."

I have seen these comments on blogs by parents that never had a child die or lost a child to adoption.  These are by parents that never adopted and are not looking into adoption.  It makes me wonder if people think the love you have for a child subsides because you are not in contact with them, you are not raising them or if  the child dies at birth.  From my experience my love for Alyssa is no different than my love for my other children.  I only changed her diaper for a few days, I never breast fed her, and I did not raise her.  Yet i still love her the same as if i had done those things.

My grandmother lost her son over 60 years ago.  He would have been about 65 if he lived.  He was born full term but only lived for a few hours.  My grandma and I were visiting his grave about 10 years ago and she cried.  She still loves and mourns him. Does anyone truly believe that this woman loves her son any different than her other 4 children just because she never changed his diaper and she did not raise him?  My other grandma also lost a child, a daughter when the baby was just days old.  15 years ago my grandma could barely say the name "Kathy" when talking about this child without crying.  Do you truly believe because she never raised this child that the love is any less?

Is it really the selfless service that makes you love your children so much?  I am not saying adoptive parents do not love their children the same way as a natural parent does.  I am saying that just because a natural parent does not raise a child does not mean that the natural mother loves a child any less than the adoptive parents.  It seems that as a society we forget that.  We try to ignore the natural parent and make them less than.  I often see the same thing happen to adoptees.  Society wants them to be solely loyal to the adoptive family because they put in the time and money to the child.  To acknowledge that an adoptee wants and loves the natural family seems to be a very hard concept.  I do not understand why that is so hard to comprehend.

19th birthday

Alyssa minutes old - not even fully cleaned up yet.

I finally got to hold her

Alyssa about 5 days old I was able to see her one last time before placement.

I was going to post a blog that was well thought out about mothers, our rights, and feelings but instead this is just going to be purely emotional. 

February 27 1992 at around 8:05pm, my first child was born.  She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen.  I could not fathom that she was my child, she was a miracle to say the least.  I loved her, I held her, I didn't want to let her go ever.  As soon as I could hold her I just cuddled with her, I counted her toes and fingers I made she she was healthy and she knew she was loved forever.  I barely let go of her for the next 3 days.

Alyssa turns 19 and we met in person 1 year ago....finally!  I thought her birthdays would become easier once reunion came but they are not.  It is not harder but than before but the pain and sadness are still here.  We are still separated by 800 miles.  She still feels the pain of being adopted.  We still missed out on years of being mother and daughter.  She still and always will feel pulled between both families.  Who rationally would choose that for their child for eternity?  Being pulled between both families natural and adopted, never feeling like you fully belong.  She still has issues because she was separated from me at birth.  And worse she is now a natural mom with no rights to her son.  Can you imagine a worse punishment in this world than being both an adoptee and a natural mom?

She sent me a text today and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it.  "I've been so irritable and everything.  Today is really hard for me because I know 19 years ago you were still holding me I miss you so much"  Adoption the gift that keeps on giving.

Adoption loss and redemption

For so many years I have basically felt alone on this road of losing a child to adoption.  Adoption is not normal or natural.  After a very short time I closed down my feelings because so many people did not get it or understand.  I was not ready to educate people about adoption, besides I was in the adoption unicorn and rainbows land even though I felt the loss.   I felt like I was doing my daughter a favor by giving her more.  I was often told by well meaning people "what a great sacrifice", what a selfless act",  "you made a couple so happy", "don't worry you will meet your daughter again", or "you should just forget about it"or even better "you will have more children".  There have been people in my own family that never fully understood the loss that adoption is.  They would hold me and try to comfort me but never seemed to truly understand what sadness it is to lose your child to adoption.  The depth of sorrow is unimaginable.

It wasn't until Alyssa lost Owen that they are realizing that it is a major irrevocable loss.  It is like reliving it all over again but seeing it from a totally different perspective.  My family didn't realize that adoption loss stays with a mother forever.  Mother's move on and carry on with their life but that horrible loss changes them. The pain is hidden but stays with them.   After meeting Alyssa they realize that she does and always has belonged in our family.  She is so much like us in looks and personality.  She is like a missing piece to our puzzle.  They realize she has hurt directly related to being adopted. It is not about having good, bad, great, awful adoptive parents.

Now with Owen being adopted it is a loss.  It is relived and more intense for us because we know what is going on, we are no longer blinded by flowery words.  We know the pain we have and continue to live it.  But more of my family are coming out of the fog with the realization that adoption is not a great option.  Adoption does not make a forever family and the child is not born in some one's heart.  Every child is born into a family.  Every child has a mother and a father.   Adoption creates loss not only for the mother but the child also.  Seriously I don't know why that fact never occurred to us when I had Alyssa. Looking back I see we were to far into the fog to realize the truth.

I knew the loss for me but I never knew she would have a loss from losing me, her mother.  It wasn't until I listened to her that I realized that she had a very deep loss. It is interesting to see my family finally come out of the adoption fog after almost 2 decades.  It is absolutely shocking to say the least.  They have not said you should not have placed her and we are sorry you did.  But it is very close to that.  I know they worry about her adoptive parents and their feelings.  They don't want to overstep their boundaries.  They realize for better or worse Alyssa has 2 real families. They realize that Owen has 2 families.  I think they are realizing that it is best to keep children when ever possible with their mothers, to support mothers.  The loss that both the mother and child feels is great and will last a life time. 

I think that is why I get so caught up in adoptee rights as much as I get caught up in rights for mothers.  I can not change the past but I need to fight for my daughter, for my grandson, and for my daughter's adopted sister (the other child that was adopted by Alyssa's adoptive parents).  Until they have every right to have free and open access to their pasts, their heritage, their ancestors,  their natural family, their medical information, and their birth certificates I will continue for them.  I can not go out to San Antonio this year but come 2012 I want to be there. I hope I will have Alyssa and my friend Melynda beside me in San Antonio.

 I want to help other mother's to not feel pressured and coerced into adoption.  I will continue on for them.  Even the mothers and adoptees that are still in the fog I will fight for them.  As long as one mother feels coerced or pressured to place that is one mother too many.  One mother that realized after signing away her rights that just hours later that she regrets it is one mother too many.    Every mother that has tried to get her child back days after signing and told that it is too late is one too many mothers.  Every single mother that is lied to about the adoption or told half truths is one too many.  I as a mother of loss, as a mother of an adoptee will fight for equal access and rights for every person.

Alyssa

Alyssa is the hardest for me to write about partly because she reads my blog and because I did not raise her.   I know if I say anything slightly negative I will get the response of "You refused to raise her so you can't say anything"  Or If I put anything positive about her I will get "See she was better off without you" .  I feel as if I am in a catch 22. 

I can't base my opinion of Alyssa on the letters we wrote because everything had to be superficial and sugar coated.  I can base my thinking of her only in what I have seen in person.  Only on the beautiful person I know today.

I have seen Alyssa mature and grow so much this last year.  When we finally met in person, after being separated 17 years and 51weeks,  almost exactly a year ago she was talkative and outgoing.  We talked about everything.  I could see there was part of her that wanted to be loved and accepted but she wouldn't let people in too close.  She had a wall up, she would only let me in so far.  She pretended everything was great and happy but there was a sadness and need in her eyes.  She tried to be the life of the party and entertain everyone but once you got past that there was a hurt and wounded young woman.  She needed someone to accept her for who she was without their own needs and wants being in the way.  She needed someone to believe that she was enough as she was.  She didn't need to change and be different than herself, who she was meant to be.

 I just wanted to hold her and stroke her hair but she barely wanted a hug at the time. She was loving and outgoing too.  She seemed to want to be free of a lot of things.  She wanted to explore this world.   She had so much hurt in her life she seemed to be waiting for the next person to knock her down.  So often I would text her or talk to her and if it was an emotional subject she would cut me off.  She seemed afraid of her feelings and afraid I would hurt her again too.  She allowed others to knock her down emotionally.  She very rarely stood up for herself, but she is fiercely protective of those she loves and counts as her family.  As I had told her at one time that I need to teach her to grow some balls.  It was not okay to allow people to walk all over you and control you.  I loved her too much to watch these things happen to her.  I have watched as the people around her that profess to love her kick her while she is down.  She always makes an excuse for them when it is happening.

There has been so many times lately where she has told me of things that have happened in this last year to her.  I have asked why didn't you tell me when it was going on.  She would just say oh I didn't want to upset you or I knew you would be angry at this person.  These were things that were not minor but pretty major, things that other people did to intentionally hurt her and lower her self esteem. 

Alyssa works in a home for the mentally disabled full time and she does night shifts at least once a week too.  I know I could not easily work there I just do not have the patience.  I have seen her with the people that she works for and she is so loving and gentle.  She even worked there most of her pregnancy until she was put on bed rest.  This is a woman that was made to feel that she did not have the skills to raise her own child but she can take care of the mentally and physically handicapped on a daily basis.  Those things are so contradictory to me.  People that should have built her up have torn her down.

I also found out that I can not text or talk on the phone about deep emotional things with her.  She needs to see that the reason I am saying things is because I love her.  That is also the only way she opens up is when she is looking at someone in the eye.  She needs to know that she is protected and loved.  She needs to know that she is important to you. 

Sh is the type of person that would give you the shirt off of her back.  She always tries to make sure everyone else is comfortable and doing okay.  She would rather suffer than allow anyone else to. 

She is smart and so easy going.  She really doesn't have a mean streak in her body unless you mess with the ones she loves.  In these last 6 months I have seen her mature and learn to love herself.  She is starting to speak up for herself and realize that her opinions are okay and wanted.  She still does not intentionally try to hurt anyone.  She realizes what she wants in life and she is starting to go after those goals.  She has cut out a lot of people out that are hurtful to her.  I m so proud of her not just because she is my daughter but because the amazing smart beautiful woman that she is.

Alyssa was about 2 days old and my sister and was visiting me with her 2 kids. 

We thought this was one of  the last time Shana or I would ever see Alyssa again.

Alyssa holding Owen at a visit.

Alyssa having a friend take a picture of her

Alyssa and I in Tahoe  - mom and daughter finally back together.