Alyssa

Alyssa is the hardest for me to write about partly because she reads my blog and because I did not raise her.   I know if I say anything slightly negative I will get the response of "You refused to raise her so you can't say anything"  Or If I put anything positive about her I will get "See she was better off without you" .  I feel as if I am in a catch 22. 

I can't base my opinion of Alyssa on the letters we wrote because everything had to be superficial and sugar coated.  I can base my thinking of her only in what I have seen in person.  Only on the beautiful person I know today.

I have seen Alyssa mature and grow so much this last year.  When we finally met in person, after being separated 17 years and 51weeks,  almost exactly a year ago she was talkative and outgoing.  We talked about everything.  I could see there was part of her that wanted to be loved and accepted but she wouldn't let people in too close.  She had a wall up, she would only let me in so far.  She pretended everything was great and happy but there was a sadness and need in her eyes.  She tried to be the life of the party and entertain everyone but once you got past that there was a hurt and wounded young woman.  She needed someone to accept her for who she was without their own needs and wants being in the way.  She needed someone to believe that she was enough as she was.  She didn't need to change and be different than herself, who she was meant to be.

 I just wanted to hold her and stroke her hair but she barely wanted a hug at the time. She was loving and outgoing too.  She seemed to want to be free of a lot of things.  She wanted to explore this world.   She had so much hurt in her life she seemed to be waiting for the next person to knock her down.  So often I would text her or talk to her and if it was an emotional subject she would cut me off.  She seemed afraid of her feelings and afraid I would hurt her again too.  She allowed others to knock her down emotionally.  She very rarely stood up for herself, but she is fiercely protective of those she loves and counts as her family.  As I had told her at one time that I need to teach her to grow some balls.  It was not okay to allow people to walk all over you and control you.  I loved her too much to watch these things happen to her.  I have watched as the people around her that profess to love her kick her while she is down.  She always makes an excuse for them when it is happening.

There has been so many times lately where she has told me of things that have happened in this last year to her.  I have asked why didn't you tell me when it was going on.  She would just say oh I didn't want to upset you or I knew you would be angry at this person.  These were things that were not minor but pretty major, things that other people did to intentionally hurt her and lower her self esteem. 

Alyssa works in a home for the mentally disabled full time and she does night shifts at least once a week too.  I know I could not easily work there I just do not have the patience.  I have seen her with the people that she works for and she is so loving and gentle.  She even worked there most of her pregnancy until she was put on bed rest.  This is a woman that was made to feel that she did not have the skills to raise her own child but she can take care of the mentally and physically handicapped on a daily basis.  Those things are so contradictory to me.  People that should have built her up have torn her down.

I also found out that I can not text or talk on the phone about deep emotional things with her.  She needs to see that the reason I am saying things is because I love her.  That is also the only way she opens up is when she is looking at someone in the eye.  She needs to know that she is protected and loved.  She needs to know that she is important to you. 

Sh is the type of person that would give you the shirt off of her back.  She always tries to make sure everyone else is comfortable and doing okay.  She would rather suffer than allow anyone else to. 

She is smart and so easy going.  She really doesn't have a mean streak in her body unless you mess with the ones she loves.  In these last 6 months I have seen her mature and learn to love herself.  She is starting to speak up for herself and realize that her opinions are okay and wanted.  She still does not intentionally try to hurt anyone.  She realizes what she wants in life and she is starting to go after those goals.  She has cut out a lot of people out that are hurtful to her.  I m so proud of her not just because she is my daughter but because the amazing smart beautiful woman that she is.

Alyssa was about 2 days old and my sister and was visiting me with her 2 kids. 

We thought this was one of  the last time Shana or I would ever see Alyssa again.

Alyssa holding Owen at a visit.

Alyssa having a friend take a picture of her

Alyssa and I in Tahoe  - mom and daughter finally back together.