Alyssa minutes old - not even fully cleaned up yet.
I finally got to hold her
Alyssa about 5 days old I was able to see her one last time before placement.
I was going to post a blog that was well thought out about mothers, our rights, and feelings but instead this is just going to be purely emotional.
February 27 1992 at around 8:05pm, my first child was born. She was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. I could not fathom that she was my child, she was a miracle to say the least. I loved her, I held her, I didn't want to let her go ever. As soon as I could hold her I just cuddled with her, I counted her toes and fingers I made she she was healthy and she knew she was loved forever. I barely let go of her for the next 3 days.
Alyssa turns 19 and we met in person 1 year ago....finally! I thought her birthdays would become easier once reunion came but they are not. It is not harder but than before but the pain and sadness are still here. We are still separated by 800 miles. She still feels the pain of being adopted. We still missed out on years of being mother and daughter. She still and always will feel pulled between both families. Who rationally would choose that for their child for eternity? Being pulled between both families natural and adopted, never feeling like you fully belong. She still has issues because she was separated from me at birth. And worse she is now a natural mom with no rights to her son. Can you imagine a worse punishment in this world than being both an adoptee and a natural mom?
She sent me a text today and I hope she doesn't mind me sharing it. "I've been so irritable and everything. Today is really hard for me because I know 19 years ago you were still holding me I miss you so much" Adoption the gift that keeps on giving.
Love you - and Allyssa! Happy Birthday to an amazing woman! :)
ReplyDeleteSorry I'm late to the party! I remember being surprised that Christopher's birthday was still so hard after reunion. I thought it would have been easier, but it was harder because we still were not together as nature intended us to be.
ReplyDeleteHugs to you ~ and happy late birth day!
It is heart crushing all over again, isn't it? When they open their hearts and tell you the very thing you are thinking..."19 years ago you were still holding me..." She's missed you as much as you missed her. Hold her close now and forever. Keep all your children close so that they can in turn be close to one another. I don't know where this is coming from since I never got to have another child but it just comes to me...for you and for Alyssa. Be blessed and happy and heal as you can.
ReplyDeleteThere's a sort of very fitting and somewhat subtle bilangual pun in your last sentence. In Dutch there are two words "gift", with different genders, the female one has about the same meaning as in English, the sexless one means "venom".
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry for you and Alyssa, but that are but cheap and empty words, please forgive me my imperfection, in my attempt to make you feel supported and my late response.