Friday March 11

Last Friday was a lot of fun.  I only worked until noon so we had most of the day together.  Alyssa had wanted to get a new tattoo during the day so early in the week she set up an appointment for Friday.  She had a do-it-yourself tattoo on each hip one was an "x" and the other hip had an"o".  I think she did these when she was about 15.  She also has a small heart on one wrist (another do it yourself).  She has wanted to cover up her hip X and O tattoos with a nicer tattoo for a while now.  Ian also wanted to get a tattoo done. She has saved up her money so she can do this.  She didn't want to get a meaningless tattoo that she wouldn't like in a few years.

 My friend has an ex boyfriend who is a professional tattoo artist.  My thinking is if you are going to get inked, go to a professional that you have seen their art work.  Ian already had 6 or 7 tattoos.  Alyssa has one professional tattoo already.  Alyssa wanted to get Owens hand print and footprint on her hips as a cover up of the X and O.  The hip can be very painful because you are tattooing directly on the bone.  Alyssa has no extra fat there either.   Sean - the tattoo artist did a great job and finished within about an hour.  Alyssa is also very ticklish and just to the side of the hipbone the tattoo started tickling as he used the tattoo gun.  I held Alyssa's hand and Ian held her feet so she would move as little as possible.

Ian wanted his parents signature tattooed on him also.  We were done by 4:30 or 5 with the tattoos.  I did not get any tattoos done on myself.  Jeremy set up a  together a small party with a few friends and some of our immediate family for that evening after work. We headed over to the get together. I think there was about 30 people there and only about half of my family showed up.  We hung out and Alyssa got to meet some of my friends. My friends heard all about Alyssa but they never met her.

Alex's girlfriend even came over until about 11.  She is very rarely allowed to go to any friends house at all, so she was super excited. She adores Alyssa and wants to hang out anytime Alyssa is in town. Kenny found his Uncle's old Sega Genesis in the attic and started playing the "old school" video games.  Kenny and Ian also found an old laser tag set from the late eighties to early nineties in the attic.  They had to go around the house shooting each other and playing hide and go seek.   Those guys are so much alike it is not even funny.  Kenny really looks up to Ian.  Overall we had an amazing day.    The last of our friends and family left around midnight.  Wow another late  night.  We were absolutely exhausted and I was so glad we did not have work or school the next morning.

Thursday March 10

My husband goes to Monterey at least once a week for work.  We had access to 2 passes to the Monterey Bay Aquarium.  Jeremy drove Ian and Alyssa down to the aquarium and Jer finished up his work in that area.  I think they had 3 or 4 hours at the aquarium and Cannery Row alone and then Jer picked them up and headed back home with them.  If you are ever in Monterey you have to see the aquarium.  It has everything from sardines, jellyfish, sea horses, sharks, sting rays, and sun fish.  It is fun for babies to grandparents. We used to go several times a year when the kids were little but now we only go about once a year.  If you like clam chowder in a sourdough bowl they have the most amazing chowder right on the wharf.  I knew they would have a great time together in Monterey.  It is always fun discovering a new town together.  They both love the beach, so how could they not have a blast.

They came home by 3 and after I picked up the other kids from school we went over to see Jer's parents.  Jeremy's mom made us home made white sauced enchiladas.  She can cook so well.  We also had refried beans(not out of the can) and Mexican rice.  Kenny decided we needed to get out the bubbly (Martinelli's apple cider).  We sat around talked and just relaxed.  For dessert Cassie and I made an apple cake.  By the time we finished eating we were all so stuffed we could barely move.

We couldn't have asked for a better evening.  My in-laws have been totally accepting of Alyssa.  They might not understand adoption totally but they have accepted Alyssa as my daughter.  They do come from a totally different generation.  They are from the generation where once you place your child for adoption the child should be forgotten.  For them to come around to accept Alyssa is huge.  My father-in-law isn't very emotional but he does always give Alyssa a hug when she leaves.

Answer to a Question

I thought it would be easiest to answer this as a post here

"I am curious about how you reunited with your daughter and how long it took for
you to have the close relationship that you do. Is there a spot on your blog
that you can tell me to read about to catch up on your story?"

The adoption was what I considered semi closed. I never met the adoptive parents, all I had to go by was a sheet of paper that described the couple and their interest.  All correspondence went through the agency.  No identifying information was passed between either party for the first 16 years.  My daughter wrote me for the first time when she was 15.  Before this all I ever received was letters from the amom, yearly.  4 years I went without any correspondences at all.  I received one letter when Alyssa was 11 and nothing until she was 15.  Alyssa and I started writing at first every few months starting when she was about 15.  It wasn't long before she asked me to write her every week.  All letters still went through the agency with no identifying information shared. 

Alyssa sent me a small scrapbook and in it was a post it note that the agency did not see.   This post it note contained her adoptive name and her adoptive mom's name.  I received this a few months before Alyssa turned 17.  To say I was on cloud 9 was an understatement.  It took me almost 6 months to send a letter directly to the adoptive parents.  I just wanted to meet them in person but that was declined. 

I finally met Alyssa only a year ago.  I met her on her 18th birthday.  I do not have any idea why we are so close and other natural moms are not. It might have helped that neither of us went in with any expectations.  I accepted her for who she was, and she did the same with me.  We are so much alike we have been able to read each other easily since the day we met.  I have seen where she needed help and supported her without judgements.  I know that is what she has needed most.  From what I have seen she loves her aparents but they are not close, they love her for who they want her to be not the person who she is. 

I think they way we talk to her is very different.  If there is something important to discuss I only talk to her in person, where her aparents will only text her.  This is my opinion only.  Alyssa's amom would have been a great mom to her own children but Alyssa is hard wired so differently than her aparents that the relationship has aways been a bit rough.  I absolutely believe they love her as much as they can.

As Alyssa has met our family she has seen people that are just like her not only in looks but in personality too.  Alyssa has always been the black sheep of her adoptive family.  For her to find where she belongs has pulled her closer to me and our family.

Wednesday March 9

Alyssa wanted to meet a friend in San Mateo that she hadn't seen in 2 years.  Her friend used to live in Utah but since moved out to California.  It was nice for me because I could work a bit longer too.  We planned to meet in San Francisco that evening.  Alyssa loves San Francisco.  It is such a different lifestyle than she is used to.She grew up in small towns and seclusion while San Francisco is the exact opposite.  We walked around Pier 39, looked at shops, and just relaxed.  The kids goofed off a bit too.  We found a shop that sold all kinds of crazy hats, so all of the kids had to try on a ton of hats. 

I asked Alyssa if she had heard from J.  Yes she did.  J was pissed that Alyssa took down her blogger account.  She said now I can't know what your thoughts are.  Oh no what a tragedy right.  I suggested Alyssa open up her blog that J knows about and just put in happy thoughts.  We all know even when we are going through hard times there are still great things that happen to us.  Our lives are never all good or all bad.  And then she should have a private blog on the side that she can tell her full story at.
I don't know if she is going to take my advice or not.

We found a really good pizza place at Pier 39 called Luigi's.  We had a meatless pizza for the girls and a meat filled pizza for the boys.  We also shared a thing of garlic bread covered in mozzarella cheese. It was so good.  We walked along to the end of the Pier and took some silly pictures. As we walked back to the cars everyone was just laughing.  Ian and Kenny were skipping in a circle around us.  I looked over at Jer and he whispered to me "this just feels right".  Yes it did.  It was as if almost all the stars were lined up in the universe.  Owen was not with us but I am sure one day he will be also. 

We walked over by Boudin's sourdough shop.  Alyssa was leaned over the rail a little bit and a guy walked by and said "Nice bootie"  I laughed and yelled back "Don't talk to my daughter that way"  He looked at me and replied  "I'm sorry I didn't realize that was your daughter, I'm so sorry"  I don't get offended very easy, I wasn't at all offended by this young man.  I actually thought it was pretty funny.  Alyssa just looked at me and laughed.  I love it that we have the sense of humor.  It is so nice to acknowledge in public that Alyssa is my daughter.

We headed back home after this and talked for a few minutes, but it wasn't long before we totally crashed.  Most days we stayed up til midnight or so.  Alyssa would come into my bed and we would just talk.  Nothing important or deep, just about what are plans were the next day and things like that.

After I finish writing about our week together I will be posting pictures.

Tuesday March 8

I knew I had to go to work on Tuesday, I figured it also gave Ian and Alyssa some alone time.  I left for work and they were still sleeping.   I knew I was only going to work short days this week, I just had to make sure all the necessary things were taken care of.  I only worked until about 1pm.  I came back home and Alyssa and Ian had gone back to Santa Cruz.  I was really glad that they got away together.  Alyssa had text me asking if some of the family could come over for dinner.  I started contacting some of my family to come over for dinner.  We were going to have home made tamales, refried beans, and Mexican rice.  I might be white but I can cook some amazing Mexican food, thanks to my mother-in-law. 

About 2 I here Alyssa and Ian, they hadn't left the house until 11 so I was surprised they had came back so fast.  Ian decided that he wanted to come back and enjoy time with the family.  He really wanted me to join them at the beach but there wasn't time for that.  We just hung out while I cooked dinner and waited for everyone to show up.  It is so relaxing to be with them both.

My sister Shana and her family came over and we had a really great time.  About 8:30 while we just sat around and talked Owens amom (J) sent Alyssa a text saying they needed to talk when she got back to Utah.  Alyssa just said that if it was about her blog she was sorry if anything hurt her.  The next text and said they needed to temporarily close the adoption until Alyssa could be happy and deal with the adoption.  They only want Owen to see adoption as a blessing and if Alyssa is ever sad Owen will not see adoption as a blessing. 

J then said that we should have came to the Temple and she didn't understand why we didn't come.  That totally confused us because just 2 messages back was her text saying not to come to the temple meet at the church for the luncheon.  It wasn't like we misunderstood over a phone call but it was written in a text.  J then text Alyssa saying she was upset with me because I had told my parents not to go to the temple.  I asked my niece who knows my moms insecurities and asked if she would have done it differently.  She had said she would have done the exact same thing.  My mom is very uncomfortable in new situations like that and my mom would not had gone with out me.  My mom was having trouble with going even knowing I was there.  Alyssa was pissed off to say the least and totally hurt.  One week after the adoption is final and it is closing.  J had promised Alyssa everything under the sun.  J lives within about 20 minutes of Alyssa too.  They could easily run into each other at a store.

J with Owen and Alyssa

Alyssa closed her blog that night.  It seems to me that J was having a very hard time after the temple.  She had seen how close Alyssa and I were, she also saw that Owen kept trying to go to Alyssa even when J was holding him.  I honestly think that hurt her the most.  Owen hadn't seen Alyssa since December but he still kept reaching for her.  I know J would let Alyssa see Owen if I was out of the picture, I think she fears Owen needing Alyssa the way Alyssa needs me.  I told Alyssa she should just go back to Utah and cut off ties with me, that way she can stay in Owen's life.  I just want her to be able to see Owen and stay in contact with him.   I want her to be able to watch him grow up.  I never want her cut out of his life.  I know J is saying temporary closed adoption because if she says it is closed then she can't adopt another child.  Alyssa told me she would never cut off ties to me, she couldn't do that.  I do know that by the time Owen was 3 months old J started looking into adopting another child.  She is 40 and has almost ran out of time to adopt another child because of her age. 

Alyssa and I stayed up until about midnight, it was a very emotional evening.  We didn't cry but we were still drained.  We were not going to let that ruin our week together. 

Monday March 7

I did not expect to be home until Monday and I already had the day off so I decided to spend the day with Alyssa and Ian.  I wanted to take Ian to Santa Cruz and I knew Alyssa loved that place.  My husband planned on meeting us there for lunch.  There is a great burger place a couple blocks up from the beach called "Betty's Burgers".  Alyssa wanted to bring Ian there, they have the best burgers I have ever had.  Well, I only eat the turkey and veggie burgers but they are amazing.  We walked along the boardwalk and went to the pier.  It was just a perfect day, the sun was out but the wind was blowing pretty well too.  Ian and Alyssa simply loved it. We even were able to see a lot of sea lions. 

Alyssa was dressed up so she did not go down onto the sand but Ian and I did.  We just sat in the sand and watched the waves, simply beautiful and relaxing.  There was no one else on the beach either. 

After lunch Jer and I let Ian and Alyssa have a few minutes alone on the pier.  I told Jer that this would have been perfect to take Owen, a few tears spilled out but I made sure I was put back together before Alyssa saw.  Neither Alyssa nor I are big criers, we love to tease and joke around but hate to cry.  Neither of us get very stressed about things either, we just deal and move on. 

We came back home between 4 and 5.  Jeremy made home made pizza for dinner.  It was so good, I love home made pizza.  Jer and the boys went to scouts while the girls and Ian hung out at the house.  It was great to just relax with them.  We stayed up late and just talked, nothing serious, no adoption topics or anything like that.  We just relaxed and talked until 11 or midnight.  It was just....normal.

My Crazy week part 4 - Sunday March 6

We woke up and we knew church wasn't until1pm.  Alyssa decided she couldn't make it through seeing her son at church with all of his adoptive family celebrating all over again.  1 day was hard enough but doing it the second time was too rough on her.  I wanted to see him but I would do whatever Alyssa decided she needed to.   
We decided to just start driving to California.  We passsed the exit to the church about the time the blessing started.  We just continued driving.  I took the first leg of the trip driving.  About 2:30 Owen's amom text alyssa saying we missed you and hope you are ok.  Alyssa text back saying "mom and I couldn't make it through the blessing also. "  I thought that might cause problems because now I could be blamed.  Now it was my fault for pulling Alyssa away from going to church and seeing her son.  Owens amom texted back and said well I hope you can come to peace with your decision about adoption.

We continued to drive Ian and I switched off, but he drove the most and the very worst parts.  We hit a terrible snow storm over donner's Pass and Ian made it through.  I was terrified and so glad he was used to driving in those conditions. 

After 12 hours of driving we made it home.  I still didn't fall asleep til 2am, my mind was working to hard and just thinking too much.  I was done with tears.  I had let out my pain already and now we were just going to enjoy this week together.  The way we mourn isn't dwelling on the pain and hurting but feel the pain and still enjoy the moment.  We had a week to just be together and have most of our family together.