Kool Aid

Recently Alyssa and I were talking about one of her friends.  This woman is so pro adoption that it has hurt their friendship.  This woman is also a natural mother.  This woman talks to any of their friends that is pregnant about adoption and how it is such a loving choice.  That in itself isn't bad, but if you don't give the full story of adoption it is.  When you don't believe that studies about how adoption hurts the adoptee then that is wrong.  When you don't even believe adult adoptees who are your friends  how adoption has hurt them then that is wrong.

Sadly I do understand Alyssa's  friend.  Years ago I was where she is now.  I drank the kool aid by the gallons, shoot I think I had an IV hooked up.  I sat on boards and talked to adoptive parents.  I went to private counseling by the adoption agency and group therapy for natural moms given by the adoption agency.  I hate to admit that now but it is true.  I believed so deeply the brainwashing that I believed my daughter was better off without me.  I believed that any two parents that passed the home study were better than me.  It never occurred to me that separating a newborn baby from the mother that they know by smell, taste, and sound, would harm that baby. That it would leave a deep wound a scar that is hard to heal.   As I read those words I find it ridiculous.  Who was watching out for me and my child?  There was no one.

 The adoptive parents just wanted to raise a clean slate baby that they could pass as their own.  As my daughters mom said in many letters it had to be God's intervention that brought this sweet spirit to them (she never acknowledged me as our daughter's mother) because she looks so much like them.  Let's see, no you wanted a Caucasian baby, you could pass most Caucasian babies off as your own.  You were not adopting a biracial child or a child internationally .  The social worker was my worker and the parents social worker.  Sounds a bit odd to me now.  You can not support both the adoptive parents and an expectant mother at the same time.  The goals of the two are very different.  The goal for any expectant mother should be to give her the tools to parent.  It should not be to look at couples profile and see the hurt of infertility and see how I could make their dreams come true.  It should not be comparing what they could provide compared to me.   Being  a poor single mother is temporary.  Adoption and separating a mother and child is permanent. 

My own parents both were and still are very pro adoption.  They do believe that the best thing for a child is to have both parents married.  Yes of course that is the best but once you are pregnant you deal with the situation at hand.  Even placing a child does not change the fact that the child's parents were not married at birth.  My mom up until 12 years ago still said my oldest niece should have been placed, that it would have been best for her and her parents.  I never spoke out against that.  I can not imagine my niece not being in my family and not being such a close friend.  Yes my sister had to grow up fast and be a single mom to 3 kids when she was in her very early 20's but that was after she divorced my nieces dad.  My sister also graduated high school a year early with straight A's.  She worked many jobs to put food on the table.  She went years without child support.  She was the sole provider of her children until she remarried when her now 17 year old was 5.  My sister now owns her own company.  She did all this after becoming pregnant at 16 years old.  

About 6 years ago in church someone from the adoption agency came in and played a movie about adoption and how parents (to be grandparents) should show their expectant children that adoption is the loving choice.  I broke right there in the middle of church.  No one knew my natural mom status.  I left as the movie ended before the lights went on and headed to the bathroom.  I hysterically cried for several minutes alone.  I knew I missed my daughter but I didn't understand why this triggered me so badly.I did the right thing, the best thing for my daughter, the loving thing so why would seeing a movie about pro adoption trigger me so badly.  

Honestly deep down I think I have always known that adoption is not best for everyone.  It should only be done when there is no way someone can parent.  Adoption should only be done when for whatever reason the child desperately needs parents.  It should not be done because women are convinced they are not enough and to think of the poor people that can't have kids.  Think of how much they want a baby.  Those are not the right reasons for adoption at all.  Ethics and adoption should go together but all too often they do not.  I love how every adoptive parents gives an excuse why their child's mother couldn't raise them. There always seems to be an excuse from adoptive parents.  If they were really honest they would just say we desperately wanted to be parents and when our bodies couldn't make it happen we went after being parents by any means possible. 

Private blog

I am going to continue to keep this blog open but I am starting a new private blog it is at http://myfamilyofadoption.blogspot.com/.  I will be updating both of them.  My private blog will be more intimate and talking more about what is going on in my life.

Living together

When Alyssa came to visit previously we stopped our lives and did things around her visits.  Everyone was on best behavior overall.  We loved her being her and enjoyed her got to know each other but it was on a more superficial level. 

Now that Alyssa moves in and has her room, well she is sharing it with Cassie and we are on normal schedule everything is easier.  No one is on there best behavior anymore.  We are ourselves , relaxed, normal just a family of 6.  It is better than I even imagined.

It has disrupted Cassie's life more than anyone else.  Cassie has to share a room and has gone from being the only daughter living at home to having a sister living with us.  I have noticed Cassie is having a lot more anger than normal but I am just reassuring her she is still loved, wanted, and never will be replaced, I have enough love for all 4 kids.  Cassie and Alyssa will always be my daughters.  My love for one does not out weight the love for the other.  Just like if Alyssa was having a hard time I would be comforting her too.  On a good note Cassie is loving borrowing Alyssa's clothes and getting advice.

Alyssa is getting me to go to the gym, I hadn't gone in about a year.  Just laziness on my part and I haven't had the motivation at all.  I have dealt so much with adoption in the last year and a half that working out has not been a priority.  Since Saturday Alyssa and I have gone everyday to the gym for an hour.  While we were there yesterday a trainer asked what our goals and motivation were.  We basically said to get toned.  Well Alyssa said to get sexier than her mom (she is a smart ass), but really it came down to getting toned.  We are going to a personal trainer tonight and I am so excited.  I know there will be pressure to continue sessions at a cost but I will take the free one and learn what I can.

The job I thought I had for Alyssa fell through.  That really sucked and I felt horrible.  Alyssa is sending out a ton of resumes and she is getting call backs and interviews.  She had one interview at a medical facility yesterday as a receptionist.  We tried to get Alyssa a California license but first she needs to get her birth certificate from her mom in Utah.  I thought her Utah license would be enough for ID to get a CA license but it is not.  Alyssa also needs to get her SS card from her mom.  

My 21 year old niece who lives about a mile from my house has offered to take Alyssa out to get to know people her own age.  I think that will be great for Alyssa.  She needs to make friends and get to know people outside of the family.  My niece Chantel has her act together, isn't into partying or getting drunk and neither are her friends.  They will go out dancing and having fun.  I think that will be really good for Alyssa.

Even just the last week I have seen Alyssa set goals for herself that she didn't have in Utah.  When she was in Utah she told me she didn't really see a point in education beyond what she had except finishing cosmetology school. Now she is talking about working on her general ed in college, cosmetology, getting a CNA, and maybe going into massage therapy.  She wouldn't start college until she was a California resident.  She also wants to get her OBC just because she wants to see it.  She wants to see both of her natural parents listed on it.  I'm sure it will take a while and she might be denied but it won't hurt to try.

Two nights ago Alyssa came in bed with me along with the other kids and we just layed down and talked.  Alyssa put her head on my shoulder and I just held her for about 20 minutes.  I loved it, I had Kenny on one side of me and Alyssa on the other and snuggling with both of them. 

Everything is how it should have always been.  I am feeling blessed beyond measure.

Family

Last night I heard Cassie and Alyssa talking when Cassie was supposed to be asleep hours before.  Luckily today is Cassie's last day of school.  They were up past 12:30am talking.  I could have said something but it warmed my heart to know they are bonding without outsiders, without interference, without me being in the middle encouraging it.  Something so simple as sisters bonding is taken for granted by the outside world but for my family it is huge.  I am so glad I do not need to help them feel like sisters, they just are sisters.  They are starting to see the importance of each other.  They see how they mirror each other. They have an amazing love for each other, a very strong bond for each other.   I see what should have been from the beginning.

 I see what I almost ruined by placing Alyssa.  I am so glad Alyssa is willing to let us love her and wants to be part of the family.  I can never change the fact that I placed Alyssa but hopefully we are on a new road, the path less traveled.  I am not talking about adopting Alyssa back, I don't think she is ready or really wants that.  I'm talking about integrating and accepting her fully into our family.  Loving each other as mother and daughter.  Being here for her no matter what.  Accepting each other for our imperfections.  Making sure Alyssa has her heritage, her family history, the stories of our ancestors.  Alyssa getting to know her great grandmother(the one that is still alive). 

I hope Alyssa gets to know her full medical history from both my side and her dad's side.  I want Alyssa to meet her uncle, aunt, and grandparents in person on her dad's side.  She hasn't done that yet, but I hope within the next year she can.  Her dad's side of the family is a crossed the Midwest and Southwest of the country.  I hope she can learn about her dad's side and his heritage. We have found out a little bit of her heritage but I would love her to have her full genealogy. Not only the genealogy but the stories of her people.

All 4 of my kids are home

I'm still exhausted from this weekend.  I have had more emotions run through me in the last few days than I have had in a very long time.  I have been, happy, sad. overwhelmed, worried, and everything in between.

My raised kids have came to me over different times over the past week worried that I would love their sister Alyssa more than I love them.  That I might forget about them once Alyssa moved in.  We have had a lot of tears and reassurances letting them know I love them all equally.  No matter what I am here for all 4 of them. 

I have seen Alyssa bonding just over the last few days with each of her siblings more than she ever has.  Last night her and Kenny had a long talk talk in my room that I accidentally walked in on.  I have no idea what was said between the two but Kenny's eyes were red and looked like he was about to cry.  Whatever the conversation was I could tell it was pretty deep and there was nothing but love between those two siblings.  Cassie and Alyssa have been joking and teasing a lot.  It is so cute. Alex is still warming up and taking everything in.  He always takes a while to process things before he talks about it.

 Cassie just increased her wardrobe as Alyssa moved in, but so did Alyssa.  Alyssa, Cassie and I can all wear he same size shirts and Cassie wears a size smaller pants than Alyssa and I.  Cassie wears a size O while Alyssa and I wear a size 2.

Cassie was worried that Alyssa and her wouldn't be close because they didn't grow up together but I can already see them becoming extremely close.  We haven't got the whole bed situation figured out yet but Cassie and Alyssa will share a bedroom we just need to find another bed to put in the room.  That should be solved by the end of the week, Alyssa just has to have time to go to the store with us.  Last night Cassie decided to sleep on her floor and Alyssa got her bed, Cassie didn't care where she slept as long as she was by her sister. 

I will write more about our drive out to California later.

Sunday and Reminiscing

I am leaving Sunday morning for Utah.  We should be home by Monday midday sometime if we stop for the night.  Alyssa will be picking me up from the airport with her car loaded and we will start our 12 hour drive to our house(her new home).  I can't wait to see her it almost two and a half months since we have seen each other. I know in reality that isn't a long time but for the two of us who see each other every six weeks over the last year it is a long time.  We do talk on the phone several times a day and text way too much ;).  I probably know almost as much of what is going on with my daughter as her closest friends.  I cherish our relationship.  It is definitely a mother/daughter relationship there are boundaries but she also knows I love her unconditionally and will always be here for her.  We might not agree on everything but there is respect.
 I have started to know some of Alyssa's friends too.  I love that she is comfortable enough introducing me to them and letting me know them.  Alyssa's friend's that have supported her through adoption loss  - her own and her son's have been amazing.  There are a few of her "friends" who mothers never taught them the meaning of friendship.  I know they have kicked her while she is down but she has forgiven them anyways. As a mom that is hard to watch to see people repeatedly hurt my daughter and then she allows them in her life.  I also know I do not have any control of that with any of my children.  She really does have some truly amazing friends that are always supportive of her and listen to her whenever she needs them.  I have learned to love those girls too (yes Jasmine especially you).

In a way I am glad that Alyssa has many friends that are adopted and they can lean on and support each other.   I know I do try to understand what it is like to be adopted but I will never truly know what it is like.  I will never have my family and heritage taken away, I will never have a falsified birth certificate.  I will never live between 2 worlds, the adopted and natural.  I am so glad adoptees of all ages who have started to speak up and blog.  I am glad they are able to get their feelings out.  Selfishly I am glad they have blogged because it has helped me to understand adoption from that perspective. 

And now back to your regularly scheduled program

I often see excuses made especially by adoptive parents on blogs why it was different for their children's parents to place.  There is always a rational excuse.  Examples: She was still in college, she lived in the dorms, she would have been a single mother, she would have had to go on state insurance, she wasn't ready, or my favorite it was destiny and God wanted me to have this child.

So often the reality is different but it is easier to make up an excuse then to realize your place, societies place, and an agencies place in the roll of adoption and a child losing its family and heritage.  I have even heard adoptive couples claim they did not break up a family when they chose to adopt.  When you are matched to a mother that is expecting a child and befriend her so you can raise her child you are breaking up a family. The child is not an orphan, the child has family.

  It is hard to think critically when you gain a child and don't have to deal with the loss. Yes adoptive couples do have losses they are usually infertile.  They fantasize about their own child.  But the point is, it is a fantasy child not a living breathing human being.  Not their flesh and blood,it is a fantasy.  Not being able to have a child and preying on women that can are two very different things.

I read a 2 blogs recently about family preservation. Here and here. 

Just some interesting thoughts and ideas about how we could do adoption differently.