Death and Wills

Before Alyssa and I were reunited I would always wonder if I would have been told if something happened to her.  If she had been in a serious accident would I have been contacted?  I know adoptees that I have talked to would worry if there mothers died would they have been contacted.

Last weekend my sister had to take her daughter's half sister to the ER.  No way to get a hold of the mom and my sister was taking care of her overnight.  This is not my sisters child.  My niece and this girl have the same dad and did not know about each other until about 2 years ago.  They are both teenagers.  To make understanding this easier I will call the girl C.  After my sister took C to the ER they asked if my sister was family.  My sister is not family at all.   She is not a step-parent of C, there is no blood relation.  My sister said no I'm not family so she was asked to leave.  Luckily someone thought fast and said no she is C's aunt let her stay in the room.  From what I heard having my sister there helped C and comforted her.  C had her aunt (her dad's sister) also there with her.

It got me thinking if anything ever happened to Alyssa, even living with us, could I be barred from seeing her in the hospital.  From everything I can find the answer is yes. If Alyssa's adoptive parents didn't want me at the hospital and Alyssa could not talk for herself I could be asked to leave.  I am not family.  Wow how is that one for you?  As an adult and Alyssa viewing me as one of her two mothers I  have no rights. 

In the reverse, the same could happen to Alyssa, she could be barred from seeing me if my family decided against it.  My family knows I would haunt them if they ever tried doing that to Alyssa, though. She has no worries about not being able to see me if anything ever happened and I was hospitalized.

Recently Alyssa and I were talking and she asked if she was in my will.  She also asked what would happen to the younger kids if Jer and I died.  Who would raise them?  I know this sounds morbid but my family talks about everything.  I told her we had decided Jer's parents would raise them.  Alyssa said she would want to raise them if anything happened to us.  When she was asking about my will it wasn't about inheritance but what would happen to her siblings.  Who would raise them?  Would they stay together?  She worried about Cassie being the youngest and who would handle her emotions through the teenage years.  I am not planning on going anywhere for at least 50 more years.  Hopefully we will never have to worry about these things.

Put yourself in others shoes

I love it when adoptive parents read blogs like mine, "angry natural mothers"and "angry adoptees" and instead of trying to understand adoption from others POVthey demean our opinion and call it angry.  Have them try adoption not once but twice, have them lose 2 of their 5 descendants to adoption.  Many women barely make it through the first time.  Some give up and kill themselves because of the pain with relinquishment.  It is well known that surrender of our children causes depression and infertility.  Now watch your daughter go through it after living it yourself.  Let's see what any of these grateful adoptive parents would do in my shoes, how would there POV be different.

What is better is how they put their children's natural mother in the spot and back them in the corner.  First of all never call your child's natural mother your birth mother.  You are an adoptive parent not the adoptee.  If it is not the woman that gave birth to you do not refer to her as your birth mother.  Can you imagine being called up by your child's adoptive parents and asked your opinion on someone else's writing?  Do you agree with your child's adoptive parents and keep the peace?  Do you speak out and chance that your open adoption will be closed.  How cruel to put another in that spot especially as an adoptive parent that holds all the power, all the cards.

When I commented that adoption and slavery both use money to buy human life that is true.  Granted I do not think that most adoptive parents use their children as slaves but they did buy their children.  That is a cold hard fact.  Anytime there is money involved with adoption there is a much higher chance of kidnappings, coercion, and unethical procedures.  Think of it this way, if it was your daughter, mother, or best friend that went to an adoption agency how would you want them treated.  Would you want them to have all the facts, the truth, to not have pressure by anyone to place.  Would you want them to try to parent?  What would you want for the person that you care about more than yourself?  If the scared pregnant person was your sister or best friend would you help them to parent?  Would you take them in your house for however long it took for them to get on your feet?  Or would you still covet their children?

I'm Alive and fighting again

Friday night obviously the grief had hit hard.  There are many reasons, but really living with adoption is hard emotionally.  Sometimes I break and Friday I just couldn't hold it together another moment longer.  I get tired of even family telling me that I don't understand adoption because I don't have enough empathy for APs and PAPs.  That as long as kids are raised in a happy environment they will be happy and grateful about their adoption.  When I see AP actually standing up for adoptees (and there are some) letting them speak, letting them have a voice, when adoption is no longer about them and their wants and needs I will have empathy towards those APs. 

On Friday  to get rid of some of my grief I started cleaning.  Alyssa came home and saw me, she asked what was wrong.  I broke down hysterically sobbing, my little girl was comforting me.  I apologized to her for not being strong enough to keep her, for not being there for her for 18 years.  I apologized for not fighting harder for her or Owen. 

I was worried that one day I will do something and she will walk away from me.  I put my fears out there and we talked.  It was really good.  Maybe we both needed me to not be so strong all the time.  We needed to talk about our fears.  I think we both feel closer. 

This weekend I was supposed to make sure everyone was ready for school tomorrow.  It is there first day back.  We had a total change of plans and instead helped my little sister move.  She is a single mom with 2 little boys and their was no way she could move everything on her own.  Besides I always do much better keeping myself busy.

I am so glad for my online fb/blogging friends.  Thank you for lifting me up.  I try so hard not to be a downer but to put my truth out here to put my experiences out here without being totally negative.  I do know adoptions sometimes have to happen.  I do know sometimes mothers do not have the support or are abusive to their children.  But I do not think most of us that have placed our newborn infants are abusive.  A lot of us are not on drugs and alcohol.  I have never been on any type of illegal drug ever.  I have never had problems with the police.  I have never even had a speeding ticket.  I took good care of myself and my children when I was pregnant. I have never abused or neglected any of my children.  So tell me why was my daughter better off with other parents.

Just done

Warning this post will have bad language.  If you can't handle cursing please don't read this post.

The longer today goes on the more sad and depressed I am getting.  I have kept myself very busy with work this past month.  I think I am tryings not to feel this hurt and pain.  I have made sure my family has been taken care of.  I have tried to make sure everyone is happy and emotionally taken care of. Today it has really hit me that Owen is lost to us forever.  I am done with all this BS.  I have lived through the one year, two year, three years, four year anniversaries of losing Alyssa and now I am doing that all over again but with Owen.  How does anyone live through this more than once?   I want my kids and Alyssa's son with me at my house but I know that won't happen.  That isn't my reality.  I can't make up for the 18 years I wasn't there for Alyssa.  I can't make up for not raising Alyssa.  I feel that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make up for surrendering Alyssa(I'm not going to use any effing positive adoption language).  I surrendered her I did not make an adoption plan.  I gave up. 

The choice that I made 19 and a half years ago has affected 5 generations.  It has affected my grandmother. my siblings, my kids, my parents, and now Owen.  If Alyssa has any more children it will affect them also. 

I haven't really said anything to my family or my friends but I left the LDS church a year ago.  I just can't justify going to any church that has been or is involved with adoption.  To some this may seem to be extreme.  I just can't make excuses or justify this any longer. 

I know in a few days I will be better but for now I just want to say eff this and walk away.  I want to be done with adoption.  I just want my real true family.  I want adoptive parents to stop defending their actions of coveting other people's children.

Truth is a hard pill to swallow

Yesterday I was reading on FMF about reunion.  An adoptee commented and it struck a chord with me. 

"I can't imagine there is an adoptee who wouldn't say that we will always always always want our mommies. But sometimes, even the loving reunions hurt - "I could have had that love my whole life and it was taken away."

I don't think "open adoption" changes that view.  How can even a child adoptee not see the love their natural mother has for them on short visits and wonder why she isn't raising them. Why the adoptee is not living with her.

Wow those words bring tears to my eyes, I wonder if my daughter thinks about that.  If she is hurt by those emotions.  I can understand why adoptees would be angry, they have every right to be.  Adoption was done to them, they had zero say or control in it.

Adoption is not as simple as we like to make it.  There is hurt on every end, the adoptee, and all 4 parents hurt and ache.  We live in a society that allows children to be paid for, that allows children to be sold to the highest bidder, almost like loving familial slavery.  Where else can you buy a human other than adoption and slavery?  We allow corruption and unethical procedures.  Things may be legal but that does not make them ethical.  I think it can especially be hard for adoptive parents to use a critical eye and see adoption for what it is and has been in this country for almost a hundred years.  It brought them happiness, it gave them a family.  It is hard to see that it also tore apart another family.  That they took a child away from the only parent that child knew. 

Adoptees so often grow up being taught that adoption is happy that it would have been bad if they stayed with their mother, that they could have been aborted, that their mother loved them so much she gave them away.  They should be grateful for  the parents they have now.

As mothers that surrendered it is hard to admit that we were taken advantage of for our children.  That agencies and sometimes adoptive couples became our friends so they can have our children.  Our children were sold for a very hefty price tag.  It is hard to go back to that place where we were so weak and vulnerable.  Where we gave up and surrendered our children.  That we believed the lies we were told.  It is hard to admit the strong able woman I am today allowed others to take advantage of me.  I gave up not only on myself but my daughter also.  I was convinced that I was not good enough. It was very subtle but it did the job.  It was easy to see when it happened to my daughter, I knew once she walked into the agency she was done.  I knew the methods that would be used on my daughter.   They really haven't changed a whole lot in 20 years. 

Open Mike - short post

Last night Alyssa sang in at an open mike performance at a local cafe.  It was amazing to be able to watch her to hear her.  She has such an amazing voice, but I am a little biased.  There were about 10 performers and they each did one or two songs, some were covers and some they had written.  Every one was really good and you could tell they just loved music. 

 I am so gad I got this chance, and to think I could still be missing out on her life.  We can't go back and change the past but we can forgive and start anew with each other.  I love you Allysa and I am so proud of you.

The positives of the weeks

Right now I want to focus on the positives before getting into any negatives.  Alyssa came home from Utah 2 and a half days early, with a little help from her Auntie.  I was so excited, we picked her up from the airport yesterday morning.  She was able to see Owen twice while she was in Utah.  Her and I made it through Owen's first birthday, separately but we made it through. 

Last night she was the only kid home.  The boys were at their grandma's spending the night.  They are volunteering for a bible camp that their grandma is in charge of.  It was easier for her to have them spend the night at her house.  Cassie spent the night at one of her best friends house and she is at Girls Camp for the rest of the week.  Alyssa and I were just laying down and talking and then she asked "Mama is it OK if I just sleep in your bed tonight with you? Will dad be upset if he gets kicked out?"  All of my kids have always came into my bed if they need extra love, reassurance, or had a bad dream.  Alyssa has seen this happen.  After this week she needed the extra mama love.

We were laying in bed and talking about adoption and other things.  All of a sudden Alyssa said, "Um..oh" I replied back, "What were you gonna say?" She said. "Well I was going to say thanks for not giving me up for adoption, then I realized you had, I just forgot".  We talked some more and she had said how comfortable she is and how much she feels like she belongs with us that she forgets we didn't always have each other, she forgets we weren't always together.

Don't get me wrong my house is not all peaceful and quiet where the kids don't fight and argue.  They all do argue with each other.  All 4 kids do sometimes argue, jobs do not always get done, we do sometimes yell,  just like any other family. My kids may argue with each other but also will kill for each other, I can guarantee that.  They can tease and make fun of each other but no one else is ever allowed too.  They have each other's backs.  Those 4 kids are so close.