Warning this post will have bad language. If you can't handle cursing please don't read this post.
The longer today goes on the more sad and depressed I am getting. I have kept myself very busy with work this past month. I think I am tryings not to feel this hurt and pain. I have made sure my family has been taken care of. I have tried to make sure everyone is happy and emotionally taken care of. Today it has really hit me that Owen is lost to us forever. I am done with all this BS. I have lived through the one year, two year, three years, four year anniversaries of losing Alyssa and now I am doing that all over again but with Owen. How does anyone live through this more than once? I want my kids and Alyssa's son with me at my house but I know that won't happen. That isn't my reality. I can't make up for the 18 years I wasn't there for Alyssa. I can't make up for not raising Alyssa. I feel that nothing I do will ever be good enough to make up for surrendering Alyssa(I'm not going to use any effing positive adoption language). I surrendered her I did not make an adoption plan. I gave up.
The choice that I made 19 and a half years ago has affected 5 generations. It has affected my grandmother. my siblings, my kids, my parents, and now Owen. If Alyssa has any more children it will affect them also.
I haven't really said anything to my family or my friends but I left the LDS church a year ago. I just can't justify going to any church that has been or is involved with adoption. To some this may seem to be extreme. I just can't make excuses or justify this any longer.
I know in a few days I will be better but for now I just want to say eff this and walk away. I want to be done with adoption. I just want my real true family. I want adoptive parents to stop defending their actions of coveting other people's children.
Well, I get that! Definitely. Sometimes you have to wonder why anyone wanted to believe that adoption is a good or healthy thing... then realize that it wasn't about that... and the world gets darker.
ReplyDeleteRemember this, you are not alone!
((((Jeannette))))
ReplyDeleteMy heart hurts for you. You have so much strength- and you did NOT fail. You did not give up. You were young and didn't have the support you needed, you were so powerless against what everyone else wanted. I think Alyssa had no chance, no choice in her situation either (which is absolutely horrible because it's 2011, not 1885). I don't have the family support I needed to raise my daughter (and still don't) so adoption was necessary for me, but it wasn't the one and only option presented to me. I didn't grow up LDS, maybe I would feel differently if I did. So I have a little different view on it, but I still don't think adoption is right for every situation. I think it's so sad that her adoptive parents were not sensitive to the fact that she is adopted, and didn't consider helping her keep Owen. That to me is simply rejecting who she is altogether, not understanding that Alyssa carries her own trauma from being separated from you as an infant. Why on earth would they not try to help her keep Owen is beyond me! I am sorry if that sounds harsh and I do not know them or their specifics. I am sure they love her in their way, but it makes no sense to me at all. This sounds warped and strange but when I placed my daughter one of the main reasons I did it? Because I never wanted her to be in my shoes. To be in the shoes of being unmarried and pregnant with little to no family to support or encourage or help me keep that baby. I know that her parents would NEVER let her place a baby for adoption if she does encounter that scenario later on in life. She has a huge family and lots of support and is very financially stable. Her mom was the product of an unmarried college pregnancy and her mom's family rallied around her mom's mother to support her and provide for her and help her out. So I know that they will do everything possible to keep any child, unplanned or not, in their family. She will have what she needs to keep her child if it happens to her. I knew that my placing her that I could guarantee she will never become a birthmom. Not having support to raise her or involvement of her dad, I couldn't guarantee that if I had raised her. So that's why I placed her. #1 reason. Sad isn't it?
ReplyDeleteSending love your way, Jeannette. I wish I was there to give you a big hug IRL. I hate that you are hurting.
ReplyDeleteI'm so sorry Jeannette. Thinking of you and wishing there was something else I could do to help. Sending huge hugs your way. <3
ReplyDeleteJeannete I can't imagine finding out your daughter placed a grandchild. So sad. I'm hopeful that with social networking us natural mothers can make a difference in the landscape of family preservation. I know the feeling of not being strong enough to listen to my gut. How could I have believed everyone, EVERYONE that told me my daughter would be better off with strangers. I kick myself everyday. A few times a day. But I can't look back. I have to move forward helping the next generation know the truth. Adoption is the only form of child abuse that gets praised.
ReplyDelete(((Jeannette))) Right now I want to say eff this and walk away from adoption too, but something keeps me here hanging on and keeps me fighting to have this First Mother's voice heard. I'll hang on and keep the good fight going for you until you are ready. Lots of big squishy (((HUGS)))
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