Yesterday I was reading on FMF about reunion. An adoptee commented and it struck a chord with me.
"I can't imagine there is an adoptee who wouldn't say that we will always always always want our mommies. But sometimes, even the loving reunions hurt - "I could have had that love my whole life and it was taken away."
I don't think "open adoption" changes that view. How can even a child adoptee not see the love their natural mother has for them on short visits and wonder why she isn't raising them. Why the adoptee is not living with her.
Wow those words bring tears to my eyes, I wonder if my daughter thinks about that. If she is hurt by those emotions. I can understand why adoptees would be angry, they have every right to be. Adoption was done to them, they had zero say or control in it.
Adoption is not as simple as we like to make it. There is hurt on every end, the adoptee, and all 4 parents hurt and ache. We live in a society that allows children to be paid for, that allows children to be sold to the highest bidder, almost like loving familial slavery. Where else can you buy a human other than adoption and slavery? We allow corruption and unethical procedures. Things may be legal but that does not make them ethical. I think it can especially be hard for adoptive parents to use a critical eye and see adoption for what it is and has been in this country for almost a hundred years. It brought them happiness, it gave them a family. It is hard to see that it also tore apart another family. That they took a child away from the only parent that child knew.
Adoptees so often grow up being taught that adoption is happy that it would have been bad if they stayed with their mother, that they could have been aborted, that their mother loved them so much she gave them away. They should be grateful for the parents they have now.
As mothers that surrendered it is hard to admit that we were taken advantage of for our children. That agencies and sometimes adoptive couples became our friends so they can have our children. Our children were sold for a very hefty price tag. It is hard to go back to that place where we were so weak and vulnerable. Where we gave up and surrendered our children. That we believed the lies we were told. It is hard to admit the strong able woman I am today allowed others to take advantage of me. I gave up not only on myself but my daughter also. I was convinced that I was not good enough. It was very subtle but it did the job. It was easy to see when it happened to my daughter, I knew once she walked into the agency she was done. I knew the methods that would be used on my daughter. They really haven't changed a whole lot in 20 years.
Thank you for a great post.
ReplyDelete-An adult adoptee
Jenn,
ReplyDeleteI always apreciate the adoptee opinion. Yours (as an adoptee) is the one that should be heard the loudest.
Jeannette
I am an adoptee and a mom who has adopted. I think that there are positives in adoption. If it was/is so negative for you, why did Alyssa not parent Owen with your help.
ReplyDeletePam
We were just reunited when she became pregnant, The first time we ment She was 3 months along. There was A LOT of pressure from her adopters to place. Her adopters didn"t even want to hold her son, "their grandson" in the hospital. My daughter didn't know how much she could trust me especially since I had placed her. She didn't know if I would leave here and her son. She also felt very obligated to the couple that is now raising owen.
ReplyDeleteThe question could also be asked since the couple that is raising Owen knew that I was willing to help Alyssa parent why didn't they encourage her to parent? Why do adoptive parents have pre-birth matching? Why are so many things promised to expectant mothers but legally not are not enforceable?
I don't know if you have ever been in an unplanned pregnancy and had your mother make an appointment and drive you to an adoption agency. I'm sure you do not understand the measures used on expectant mothers by agencies. They are subtle and slick.
I'm sorry for some reason blogger is acting up and putting my comment as anonymous.
ReplyDeleteJeannette
@anon- Why did not Alyssa's adopters go to bat for her to keep her baby? Why did they sneak around her back to get her to relinquish Owen? Oh, yeah- BECAUSE OWEN IS NOT ALYSSA'S ADOPTIVE PARENTS' BLOOD.
ReplyDeleteThey have NO IDEA of the bond between natural Mother and child, so to have their adoptive daughter sign away her rights to that baby was no skin off their backs. Oh, and they are Mormons, who love adoption so much they will steal babies from their natural Fathers and Mothers. Mormons are more corrupt than civil war slave owners when it comes to adoption. They just keep peddling flesh.
Dear Anonymous Adoptive Mother: Perhaps you should read more of Jeannette's blog prior to making such a comment. Perhaps it would help alleviate some of the uh...snotty tone of your comment.
ReplyDeleteMaybe it was a sincere question, but methinks it wasn't.
I am so very sorry someone had the audacity to ask you that question. Although I am sure that had you even said "keep your baby" you would have been slammed by the same poster as crossing a boundary you shouldn't because "you signed the damn TPR and have no rights and are trying take the "real" parents place" and I say that because I see that same mentality over and over.
ReplyDeleteSadly I also think Linda is right due to the sheer number of adoptees who surrender their children who are pushed by their AP's to "do the right thing"...and yet if the AP's had bio kids I believe the opposite would have happened and massive amounts of support would have been pushed to keep the baby...
At the end of the day blood matters.
Wow... my jaw is on the floor. I have never read such an angry-bitter post. Comparing adoption to slavery? Are you serious? I'm thankful both of our birth moms were older and made their choice completely on their own. Our adoptions are very open and we feel blessed to see them so often. I hope you can get the professional help you desperately need.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure you won't be publishing my previous post... That's fine. I promise not to leave any more comments. :) Seriously, I wish you the best in healing from a mistake you made so many years ago.
ReplyDeleteYour post disturbed me so much I called our birth mom (who is not LDS just fyi) to talk about it and she made me promise to never read your blog again. Adoption is a huge blessing for her, to allow her son to get out of all the drugs and violence that surrounds her daily. Believe it or not, adoption really is a beautiful blessing to many on both sides of it. My mother was left at a hospital at birth by her birth mom and she never looked back. Thank God my grandmother bundled her up and raised her as her own blood.
I told our birth mom I would leave a comment and never return- I gave her my word. Good luck to you.
So happy to hear you are not returning Erin. Drive By comments on a blog actually make the commentor appear insecure and often show the true character of the person.
ReplyDeleteOn the oft chance that you do come back to Jeanettes blog I thought perhaps a couple of Tweets from the Dahli Lama might be something you might reflect on. Pretty sure the same concepts are also found in the Bible.
From the Dahli Lama:
"When we are motivated by wisdom and compassion, the results of our actions benefit everyone."
"If we find we cannot help others, the least we can do is to desist from harming them."
Erin,
ReplyDeleteI encourage you to go back and read what you wrote to Jeannette. You are substituting her reality for your own, using your perspective to judge her and to tell her how to feel. Telling someone else how to feel based on your perspective and your feelings doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
If adoption helped out your children and got them out of bad situations into good ones---GOOD! What makes you automatically think that this was the case with Jeannette or her daughter? Perhaps Jeanette was perfectly able to parent and was pressured and coerced not to....isn't that a reason to dislike adoption from her own perspective? You can't allow for people to be individuals with their own feelings and experiences for adoption's sake. Adoption is an institution, not a person. It's feelings will not be hurt if we examine it critically and talk about its short-comings.
Allow for differences. Not everyone thinks the same about adoption as an adoptive parent. If adoption is really so wonderful, people would be OK with different opinions instead of silencing them with rude remarks and name-calling.
Signed, An Angry and Bitter Adult Adoptee. Because the fact that children lose so much in a world with adult problems is something worthy of being pretty angry about.
LOL @ Erin. Are you adopted? Then you don't "have a birthmom". She is your child's MOTHER. Stop with the ownership. Easy to do when your child was purchased, I suppose. And yes, you bought a child, just as slave owners bought slaves. Shocking? Maybe...but as "product" (an adoptee) I calls 'em as I sees 'em.
ReplyDeleteIf you really cared about children, you would help them to stay with their mothers, and not help yourself to the goods.
I don't think adoption has changed all that much in 30 or 40 years. I was taken advantage of 31 yrs ago and for most of those years felt shame. When I discovered I wasn't alone and found out how this industry works I left the shame behind and just got pissed off. I'm so sorry that another generation has been taken in. And.... so sorry you had to endure people like Erin. She's obviously been sucking down an extreme amount of kool-aid, and she is one of the 2 parties (the other being the agency) in the adoption scenario who benefits and she only sees it from her perspective.
ReplyDelete((hugs to you))
I was never taught that adoption was a happy thing. I just helped to complete my family. I love my parents with all my heart and would do anything for them. Women get themselves into situations, that options are limited. When does the anger subside, you take responsiblity and stop telling adoptees how to feel and blaming AP's who just wanted a family. Yes the same families that we want with our children!!! Wanting a family is not a bad thing, and sometimes, adoption just makes it happen.
ReplyDeleteJust so you dont hop down my adopted throat, I have found my mother, brothers, aunt, uncle and cousins..
I am so tired of seeing mothers bash APs.. they are only human.
I was never told to be greatful or anything. I was adopted into a family who treated me as their own, and i would not have wanted it anyother way. We are just as disfunctional as the neighbors!
I am adopted by my bio aunt and I don't think it was a bad thing at all. I don't agree with the whole purchasing thing. You pay lawyers and court fees when you adopt. How is that slavery and purchasing.?. No, I'm not drinking the kool-aid. You pay a lawyer and court to sue someone or do other legal duties, how is this different.
ReplyDeleteEvery adoption is different and every adopted child has different emotions and feelings concerning their adoptions. I know I do and so did two classmates I interviewed in school about adoption did too. They had the same bio mom &dad, and were placed with the same adopted parents. One wanted to see their birth parents and one didnt. They were raised the same way and knew they were adopted.
My brother and I are both adopted by our bio aunt. My bio mom gave me up before I was 6 months old and my brother about 4 years old. We were asked if we wanted to be adopted a few years later because my bio mom didn't want to pay anything for us or even try to parent She was never forced or coaxed, she just didnt want the responsibility. Yes, I was torn and had pain and let my bio mom have it before I was 16 on why she kept my brother for so long not me. He had even more pain cause he got to have that bond. It had messed up his life a lot until he realized in time she, the bio mom was the selfish one.
We also had a talk with our bio mom and she told us that she didn't want to parent and she wasn't forced to sign anything. She just wanted her freedom. She said to us, but her wanting her freedom had a price to pay. She missed us growing up and being there for all those special moments that my APs got to be there for. She said she grateful for her sister to raise us like her own, my APs have a bio son that was born to them when I was 5. They never treated us differently.
ReplyDeleteWhile my brother and I's adoption was a closed one, it was different because of the being adopted to family thing. We always knew we were adopted and were asked if we wanted to be adopted by our bio aunt. My APs let my bio mom be around and spend holidays and birthdays and whenever she wanted with us as long as they knew she was coming, but she never really did.
Right now I'm trying to get my OBC and trying to find balance connecting with my bio dad's family. I never really knew them and that was by their choice because they didn't want to step on toes and bio mom didn't want them around and I was
told that from them, but now they want the closeness. I just dont want to hurt my parents even though they said it is fine. Yes I just called them my parents because that is what they are. The unselfish people who took 2 children into their home and gave them unconditional love and support. Who wanted to parent not like bio mom.
Yes every story is different and I am happy you have your daughter in your life. Some adopted children dont feel bought or dont see it that way. Some never want to meet their bio parents and are happy with their parents. Some are happy with their bio parents and not their APs. Some are trying to find a happy medium between their parents and bio parents.
I for one as adopted child hope to adopt a child myself. I know what the emotions and pain is. Is it wrong for me to give a child a home full of love and support if a bio parent or parents want that for their child.?. No, it isn't and I'm not buying or using slavery. I'm going to be paying the lawyer and court fees just like anyone who has to use the legal system. Not all parents(APs) are the bad guys and not all adoptees have the same emotions for their bio parents.
I again hope you and Allysa have a great continued mother daughter relationship. It is truly awesome to see that happening for you and other bio moms. Sometimes I wish i could with mine, but I have that with my mom(AP).
Your situation is exactly why I have always said that if for any reason you cannot or won't parent the child should always stay in the family. If a child has to be adopted it is best to be a kinship so the adoptee will always have their roots. They will understand better of who they are and where they come from.
ReplyDeleteDo you realize that in 2011 the court fees and lawyer fees for adoption is only $1500? I know someone who very recently did an adult adoption and she said even with Lawyer fees the cost was only $1500. I know others that did not use a lawyer and the cost for court fees was just about $200 to $300. Where does the other $20,000 to $30,000 go for?
Thank you for your comments I do apreciate your perspective.