Alyssa asked me to help her get her OBC. Tomorrow first thing in the morning we are headed down to family court to start the process. About a year ago she had asked her adoptive parents to help her. They said they would but nothing has been done, not even a phone call. I understand that seeing that their daughter has a birth certificate that does not have them on it would be hard to see. But this is not about them, it is about her and her desires. What is so wrong with seeing and touching your original birth certificate? Her adoptive parents did not even know she had an original birth certificate they had to have that explained to them a year ago.
My older sister who is an attorney said it should take about 6 weeks to get her OBC. She is a tax attorney and according to law if everything goes perfect it will take 6 weeks. We are dealing with two different counties, one where she was born in and one where the adoption was finalized. I have heard horror stories about others being denied their OBC. Has anyone tried getting their OBC in California? I am nervous, anxious, I just want this taken care of and know the complete process.
Part of the reason Alyssa wants her OBC is because she found out she is 1/8 Cherokee Indian on her dad's side. We want to track her history, her family. She wants the paper that shows that she really is related to these people.
Owen and me
My first grandson one day old.
Tuesday, September 20, 2011
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Adoption hits home part 3 of the family reunion
I keep thinking should I post this on my private blog or keep it public. This is the hardest for me to write about our family reunion. It is about the perception of adoption through the eyes of a natural mom and an adoptive mom. Two woman that love each other but have opposite perspectives.
Jeremy's aunt was at the family reunion. The one that adopted her son last February. My views on adoption are hard to get past even for family. I hold family to a much higher standard than I do the general public. I do love Jeremy's aunt and uncle. They are very loving, good, honest people, they are Alex's Godparents. But I don't know if they will ever understand the pain of a natural mother or the pain that they can cause a child by adopting. I do know that they love their son's family. They do hold them in high regard, (not saint hood) they talk highly of the mom, her family, the dad, and his family. The B terms are used which just sends nausea through out my body, though.
I can start to see how much this baby looks like his mother. I commented to Jer's aunt (adoptive mom) that the baby looks just like his mom (I've only seen pictures of his nmom). For me it is hard to tell when babies look like their parents, but he is the spitting image jof his mom. And then I realized how that could sound offensive to her as an adoptive mom. I apologized because I don't want to hurt her. And she said, "Jeannette his b****mom is beautiful, I am so glad he looks like her".
At the reunion some of the cousins were asking about the adoption of this new baby, the journey etc. I was sitting at the table. I couldn't look away or get up. I was stuck there, struck still and silent. After the story was told I got up. Jer's aunt followed me a few minute later. She said, I know that what I said might have hurt you, I'm sorry. There is nothing wrong with her story, per say. To everyone else it is a gift, a miracle. To me knowing what adoption loss is, it hurts. She was aware enough to realize that it caused me pain. That to me said a lot about her and her maybe she will be open enough to realize later that adoption could cause her son pain.
We had talked about the written open adoption agreement compared to what she is doing. The agreement is for written updates and pictures but she is building relationships with her son's family. They can come over any time but a phone call is wanted first. She wants her son to know all of his family. All of her son's family lives locally, so having alot of visits isn't unheard of. She actually welcomes them. She even wants her son's dad to have visits and he will be out of jail in a few months. An adoptive mom that is going above and beyond what is promised is amazing to me. I'm so used to the opposite where adoptive parents promise the world but then do not follow through. We talked about how the general public does not understand open adoption and how important it will be for her son as he gets older. She understood that part. Adoption is not all about her, but her son also. I often see that adoptive parents promise open adoption and visits but the families live hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. It is easy to have an "open adoption with visits " when there is no chance of running into each other at the grocery store, library, park, or mall. When the adoptive and natural families live within 30 miles of each other and you keep it open with full relationships that is much harder. I consider a full relationship is when the natural extended family is welcomed over just as much as the child's extended adoptive family.
Jeremy's aunt was at the family reunion. The one that adopted her son last February. My views on adoption are hard to get past even for family. I hold family to a much higher standard than I do the general public. I do love Jeremy's aunt and uncle. They are very loving, good, honest people, they are Alex's Godparents. But I don't know if they will ever understand the pain of a natural mother or the pain that they can cause a child by adopting. I do know that they love their son's family. They do hold them in high regard, (not saint hood) they talk highly of the mom, her family, the dad, and his family. The B terms are used which just sends nausea through out my body, though.
I can start to see how much this baby looks like his mother. I commented to Jer's aunt (adoptive mom) that the baby looks just like his mom (I've only seen pictures of his nmom). For me it is hard to tell when babies look like their parents, but he is the spitting image jof his mom. And then I realized how that could sound offensive to her as an adoptive mom. I apologized because I don't want to hurt her. And she said, "Jeannette his b****mom is beautiful, I am so glad he looks like her".
At the reunion some of the cousins were asking about the adoption of this new baby, the journey etc. I was sitting at the table. I couldn't look away or get up. I was stuck there, struck still and silent. After the story was told I got up. Jer's aunt followed me a few minute later. She said, I know that what I said might have hurt you, I'm sorry. There is nothing wrong with her story, per say. To everyone else it is a gift, a miracle. To me knowing what adoption loss is, it hurts. She was aware enough to realize that it caused me pain. That to me said a lot about her and her maybe she will be open enough to realize later that adoption could cause her son pain.
We had talked about the written open adoption agreement compared to what she is doing. The agreement is for written updates and pictures but she is building relationships with her son's family. They can come over any time but a phone call is wanted first. She wants her son to know all of his family. All of her son's family lives locally, so having alot of visits isn't unheard of. She actually welcomes them. She even wants her son's dad to have visits and he will be out of jail in a few months. An adoptive mom that is going above and beyond what is promised is amazing to me. I'm so used to the opposite where adoptive parents promise the world but then do not follow through. We talked about how the general public does not understand open adoption and how important it will be for her son as he gets older. She understood that part. Adoption is not all about her, but her son also. I often see that adoptive parents promise open adoption and visits but the families live hundreds or even thousands of miles apart. It is easy to have an "open adoption with visits " when there is no chance of running into each other at the grocery store, library, park, or mall. When the adoptive and natural families live within 30 miles of each other and you keep it open with full relationships that is much harder. I consider a full relationship is when the natural extended family is welcomed over just as much as the child's extended adoptive family.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Adoption hits home part 2 of the family reunion
Alyssa was supposed to go with us to the family reunion but work got in the way so she stayed home. The family reunion was two and a half hours away. We were supposed to be there by noon but showed up at 12:30. As I was getting ready I was freaking out in my head. This was supposed to be the first time all of Jer's extended family met Allysa. It wasn't until last year that most of them even knew about her. I was worried about their judgement. What they thought of me now. The worst scenarios were going through my head as I was getting ready. Everything I have heard, read, and been told about "b-moms" was racing in my head. You know, you are a slut, a whore, you couldn't keep your legs closed, thank god someone else would raise your child, you have never been good enough. I was thinking these people that I consider family do they think this way of me too? Have they said these things behind my back? I made sure on the outside I looked my best. I did my hair, make up, made sure I looked totally pulled together. Even if I didn't feel confident I wanted to look like I was secure in myself. I really wanted Allysa to go with us but I did understand that work always comes first.
As soon as we got to the reunion we started saying hi to everyone and a few of Jer's aunts asked me where was my daughter. They were not referring to Cassie!!! One even said, "I forgot what was her name". There was no judgement or why didn't I tell them earlier or judgement on me for placing her. They were excited to finally meet my daughter. My worry was for nothing. They wanted to meet and get to know her.
As soon as we got to the reunion we started saying hi to everyone and a few of Jer's aunts asked me where was my daughter. They were not referring to Cassie!!! One even said, "I forgot what was her name". There was no judgement or why didn't I tell them earlier or judgement on me for placing her. They were excited to finally meet my daughter. My worry was for nothing. They wanted to meet and get to know her.
Sunday, September 11, 2011
Adoption hits home - part 1 of the family reunion
Yesterday (September 10) we had a family reunion. The first one we had in about 5 years. It was for my husband's grandmother's side (Gran). Gran had an identical twin sister. They did everything together including marrying best friends, moving from Canada to California, and having 8 kids each. Gran's sister, best friend, confidant, died when her oldest child was 14 and the youngest was a baby. Since the death the two families have remained very close. Now we have a reunion every few years that we refer to as the CS feud (CS are the initials for both families last names).
Now I still don't remember every one's names in this big extended family. There was 50 of us there and only about half of the families were able to come. I was talking to Jer's Aunt Sandy and she said Dee's son she placed for adoption is here. Now Dee and I have never discussed adoption ever. We never confided to each other that we both lost our first child to adoption just 6 years apart. I had heard rumors that she had placed her son but I never talked to her about it. I was always afraid that if I talked to her that it would be too painful for both of us.
I went over to Dee and we talked to each other as mothers of loss. We talked about the hurt, pain, our children's loss. We talked about it all. I found out her son and her have been in reunion for a year. She has known all of his information for years but it wasn't ready for contact until he was 24. She said it hurt to have his information but he had denied her contact. He wasn't ready. For 6 years she was in this non reunion limbo. We talked about even saying the number of children we have is hard. It is hard because of how other people accept us as mothers of our first children.
Dee had said that Scott (her placed son) grew up within 30 miles of her and her family. When they were in the limbo her niece even went to Blockbuster where he worked just see see what he looked like. She did not contact him or reveal who she was, she just went in as a customer. She just wanted to see her cousin and be in his presence.
Interestingly when I was talking to Sandy she said "Scott looks just like Dee" I responded of course he does, are you shocked that you like like your parents? It is only in adoption that we are surprised that children look like their natural parents."
Now I still don't remember every one's names in this big extended family. There was 50 of us there and only about half of the families were able to come. I was talking to Jer's Aunt Sandy and she said Dee's son she placed for adoption is here. Now Dee and I have never discussed adoption ever. We never confided to each other that we both lost our first child to adoption just 6 years apart. I had heard rumors that she had placed her son but I never talked to her about it. I was always afraid that if I talked to her that it would be too painful for both of us.
I went over to Dee and we talked to each other as mothers of loss. We talked about the hurt, pain, our children's loss. We talked about it all. I found out her son and her have been in reunion for a year. She has known all of his information for years but it wasn't ready for contact until he was 24. She said it hurt to have his information but he had denied her contact. He wasn't ready. For 6 years she was in this non reunion limbo. We talked about even saying the number of children we have is hard. It is hard because of how other people accept us as mothers of our first children.
Dee had said that Scott (her placed son) grew up within 30 miles of her and her family. When they were in the limbo her niece even went to Blockbuster where he worked just see see what he looked like. She did not contact him or reveal who she was, she just went in as a customer. She just wanted to see her cousin and be in his presence.
Interestingly when I was talking to Sandy she said "Scott looks just like Dee" I responded of course he does, are you shocked that you like like your parents? It is only in adoption that we are surprised that children look like their natural parents."
The good and the bad
I'm keeping this post very lite. There are some fun things with Alyssa living with us. First of all we get to know each other very well. We see each other at our best and our worst. But the fun part is that my wardrobe has expanded. Alyssa and I wear the same size. She has a lot of really cute and fun clothes. We are even built the same and have the same "problem" area, that lower belly that you never seem to lose even years after having kids. We also have the same style. We both love vintage 1950 clothes. Cassie can borrow our shirts but she is still too small to wear our pants or skirts.
Now the worst thing about having three women in the same house. Our cycles are now on the same schedule. The poor boys that have to live with us. That sure didn't take long for nature to take over. I know growing up my sisters and I were on very similar schedules, but it didn't occur to me that when Alyssa moved in that in a few months all 3 of is would be on similar schedules.
Now the worst thing about having three women in the same house. Our cycles are now on the same schedule. The poor boys that have to live with us. That sure didn't take long for nature to take over. I know growing up my sisters and I were on very similar schedules, but it didn't occur to me that when Alyssa moved in that in a few months all 3 of is would be on similar schedules.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Roller coaster reunions?
I have been asked by friends how is it to have Allysa living with us. I had heard about the roller coaster of reunions. How hard it is to maintain a relationship, etc. Honestly for Allysa and I it has been easy over all. We are very similar in temperament. We can read each other's emotions and we know instinctively when to give each other space. My husband has been amazing through out our relationship. He has accepted Allysa even before we met Allysa in person. He wanted her to live with us when we found out she was pregnant. When ever there are minor problems he comes to me and lets me deal with it. He doesn't put the responsibility on me but allows me to decide how to best deal or ignore issues. Yes sometimes I do ignore minor issues because it is not worth it to bother Allysa. I sometimes ignore issues with the other kids too, as Allysa says I am too easy on them.
One thing that people compare reunion with is a roller coaster ride. Yes you can compare it to that but parenting is also a roller coaster ride. Sometimes your children drive you crazy and the next minute you can't believe you are so blessed to have that person in your life. I have raised all of my kids differently. I base my parenting on each child's needs. I do the same with Allysa.
I think what has helped both of us is I have came to her knowing that she might have pain related to adoption. I have allowed her to express her pain. I never have tried to tell her that I did not want to hear her side of her story. One of the first conversations we had through text was Allysa telling me how much she has always wanted me in her life. How she wanted me to come get her from a very young age. Yes that conversation hurt but I needed to hear her truth and she needed to tell me. She needed to know that she could trust me with her hurt, pain, and loss.
The longer she is living with us the more I see how being raised outside of her family has hurt her on so many levels. She was raised with people that wanted to be parents, that wanted a baby. But I really don't think they ever understood her. They never understood what made her tick and make the decisions she has made. She never mirrored them in her temperament, personality, or looks.
When you first meet Alyssa she is happy, easy going, energetic, and just fun to be around. She always listens to other people and tries to help them. You have to dig a lot deeper to really know her though. Sometimes I forget that I didn't raise her and that I have to take that into account when we talk. A few days ago Alyssa did something that bothered me, I told her I didn't like that, and then I forgot about it and moved on. I do not hold grudges against my children. Hours later she text me apologizing. There was no reason for her to do that. We talked and it was over and forgotten by me. I called her up because I wanted her to understand that I loved her unconditionally and I wasn't upset at all. Later that night she was still worried about what happened in the morning. I was too harsh with her, I didn't mean to be but I was. I forgot I didn't raise her, she doesn't have to win my love back and continually apologize. I always love her and trust her. I know her heart I know she really always tries her best. I forget how easily she is hurt by words, by feeling that she doesn't measure up. She always has measured up to my standards. I have always wanted her and loved her.
One thing that people compare reunion with is a roller coaster ride. Yes you can compare it to that but parenting is also a roller coaster ride. Sometimes your children drive you crazy and the next minute you can't believe you are so blessed to have that person in your life. I have raised all of my kids differently. I base my parenting on each child's needs. I do the same with Allysa.
I think what has helped both of us is I have came to her knowing that she might have pain related to adoption. I have allowed her to express her pain. I never have tried to tell her that I did not want to hear her side of her story. One of the first conversations we had through text was Allysa telling me how much she has always wanted me in her life. How she wanted me to come get her from a very young age. Yes that conversation hurt but I needed to hear her truth and she needed to tell me. She needed to know that she could trust me with her hurt, pain, and loss.
The longer she is living with us the more I see how being raised outside of her family has hurt her on so many levels. She was raised with people that wanted to be parents, that wanted a baby. But I really don't think they ever understood her. They never understood what made her tick and make the decisions she has made. She never mirrored them in her temperament, personality, or looks.
When you first meet Alyssa she is happy, easy going, energetic, and just fun to be around. She always listens to other people and tries to help them. You have to dig a lot deeper to really know her though. Sometimes I forget that I didn't raise her and that I have to take that into account when we talk. A few days ago Alyssa did something that bothered me, I told her I didn't like that, and then I forgot about it and moved on. I do not hold grudges against my children. Hours later she text me apologizing. There was no reason for her to do that. We talked and it was over and forgotten by me. I called her up because I wanted her to understand that I loved her unconditionally and I wasn't upset at all. Later that night she was still worried about what happened in the morning. I was too harsh with her, I didn't mean to be but I was. I forgot I didn't raise her, she doesn't have to win my love back and continually apologize. I always love her and trust her. I know her heart I know she really always tries her best. I forget how easily she is hurt by words, by feeling that she doesn't measure up. She always has measured up to my standards. I have always wanted her and loved her.
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Family History is important
Last week my 3 year old nephew went to the hospital for an asthma attack and had to stay over night. He will be fine but it was pretty nerve racking for his parents. I had told Allysa about what was going on with him and keeping her updated. We were talking about our family history of asthma. I think all of my siblings had asthma as kids. We each had varying degrees from mild to severe. When I placed Allysa I made sure the agency knew about our asthma problems. I knew it would be important for Allysa to know and for her kids to know about it. Any family health history I made sure the agency knew about. I gave them very detailed accounts about diabetes, heart attacks, strokes, cancers, retinoblastoma (cancer of the eye), food allergies that we knew about, when each of these things happened and to whom they happened. The information that I didn't know my mom filled in.
As for her dad's side I did not have that information but I have assumed the agency did get a family history from him.
I found out now that Allysa didn't know about asthma in our family. I do not know if the agency never gave the information or if her aparents never told her. I wonder how many other adoptees are missing their information whil etheir mothers assume they have it.
As for her dad's side I did not have that information but I have assumed the agency did get a family history from him.
I found out now that Allysa didn't know about asthma in our family. I do not know if the agency never gave the information or if her aparents never told her. I wonder how many other adoptees are missing their information whil etheir mothers assume they have it.
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